Have you ever…

1. Taken a picture completely naked? Is English this complicated?  Are we talking about taking a picture of ME completely naked or me taking a picture WHILE completely naked?  Cause the second one wouldn't be quite as scandalous.

Okay, fine, I'll answer them both.  There are lots of pictures of me naked floating around the internet.  I was completely naked and I took pictures of me completely naked.

2. Made out with a friend on your MySpace/Facebook page? No, but I'm totally open to the idea.

3. Danced in front of your mirror naked? No, but the people who live across the alley from me have a HUGE mirror on their wall and I stand in front of my window and dance naked and can see myself in their mirror.  Someday I will get my own mirror.  Probably when my neighbors move out.

4. Told a lie? No.  I am the protector of truth, justice and the American way. 

Okay, maybe a few, but there was a good reason. 

I think.

5. Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back? There have been several people that I have had a deep, burning hatred for who, much to my surprise, didn't share those feelings for me. 

6. Been arrested? No, most cops will accept blow jobs and ignore minor illegal activities.

7. Made out with someone of the same sex? Funny story ... Let's just say that one time there was a strip club in OKC that was  selling tequila shots for like .10 cents each and there was a stripper who, as it turns out, was once a guy.  Strange, I know.

8. Seen someone die? Just the guy I shot in Reno.  Why?  Just to watch him die.

9. Slept in until 5pm? I usually take my afternoon nap from 3 to 5 pm.  Right after Andy Griffith.

Oh and, Goober says "Hey".

10. Had sex at work? Only when I was working in the Clown Porn Industry.

11. Fallen asleep at work/school? I regularly fall asleep soon after having sex.

12. Held a snake? Just MY snake.  If you know what I mean.

13. Run a red light?  You know that a wild, out-of-control badass like me has run a few red lights in my time.

14. Been suspended from school? You have to show up at school to get suspended.

15. Totaled your car in an accident? Only once.  I was being chased through the streets of Milan by the Russian Mafia and I totaled my BMW 7-series.  Turns out it was a case of mistaken identity anyway.  It's all very funny now.

16. Pole danced? Only on weekends to make some extra bucks.

17. Smoked? Again, I have a image to protect here.  Smoking is cool.  I'm cool.  So yes, I smoked.

18. Been fired from a job? Okay, I admit.  I got fired from the Clown Porn gig.  I told the producers that I just couldn't go more than 17 times in one day.  Ruthless bastards fired me.

19. Sang karaoke? I have a voice that would make Dean Martin jealous.

20. Done something you told yourself you wouldn't? I try to never limit myself like that.

21. Laughed until a drink came out your nose? I have no sense of humor.

22. Caught a snowflake on your tongue? I caught a stripper named Snowflake on my tongue once.

23. Kissed in the rain? I kissed  stripper named rain once.

24. Sang in the shower? That would be like doing karaoke while sober, right? All the time.  Great acoustics in the shower.

25. Given your private parts a nickname? You mean Big Jim and The Twins? Nope.

26. Ever gone out without underwear? It would be news if I went out WITH underwear.

27. Sat on a roof top? Only when I want to play my fiddle. 

28. Played chicken? Nobody will play chicken with me.  I'm too dangerous.

29. Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? I never wear clothes when I'm near a pool.

30. Broken a bone? Mine, or somebody else's?

31. Mooned/flashed someone? Only around the pool.

32. Shaved your head? Yes, but it really is sensitive down there and it gets all red.

33. Slept naked? I would if I slept.

34. Played a prank on someone? Is that what the kids call it now?

35. Had a gym membership? I don't need a membership as I am naturally the perfect physical specimen.

36. Cried over someone you were in love with? I don't cry.  I'm too hard and tough for that.

37. Taken more than 10 shots of alcohol? 10 is my limit.  At breakfast.

38. Had sex today? I'm having sex right now in fact.

39. Played strip poker? No.  Strip blackjack? Yes.

40. Donated Blood? I would, but nobody could handle the purity of my blood.

41. Video taped yourself having sex? Only when I get paid to do it.

42. Eaten alligator meat? Yes.  I killed a 12 foot alligator with my bare hands and then ate him raw.  I recommend a nice Merlot with it.

43. Ever jump out of an airplane? No, but I do fly one.  A small, single engine plane that I fly around the country while looking for criminals.  When I spot them and they see me coming in they know they are caught so they just sit down and wait for me to circle and then land in an open area and then come arrest them.

Just like Sky King used to.

44. Have you been to more than 10 countries? I can't discuss my whereabouts with strangers.

45. Ever wanted to have sex with a platonic friend? All of them. But I resist because it isn't fair to them.  What kind of man would I be to have sex with them and then send them back home to their obviously inferior husbands or boyfriends?  Then they have to spend the rest of their lives knowing how much better it could be.  That would just be cruel.

I took these off my regular blog Cynical Bastard.


First, the Movie MEME...

Popcorn or Candy?
Popcorn!  And lots of it.  How can anybody go to the theater and watch a movie without popcorn?  Lightly buttered and nice and salty is the best.

Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever.
"The Da Vinci Code"  The book was ah-aight, I guess.  But, since the book and movie pissed so many people off I feel obligated to see it.

Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe.
d' Artagnan in The Three Musketeers.

Your favorite film franchise is:
Police Academy of course. Hahahahaha ... that was a joke ....

The Godfather.  Not really even close.  Rocky I, II and II were okay, Star Wars was okay too.  But The Godfather was the greatest EVER.

Invite five movie characters over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them?

1) Atticus Finch (Played by Gregory Peck in "To Kill a Mockingbird").  Just so he can show everyone how to be a decent all around human being.  And in case I need to ask anyone for some advice on any subject.

2) Linda Barrett (Played by Phoebe Cates in "Fast Times at Ridgemont High") If you have to ask why then you must have never seen that movie.  Okay, because she was and is so damn cute I can barely stand it.

3) The Narrator (Played by Edward Norton in "Fight Club") He can bring his witty narration to the dinner.

4) Leslie Lynnton Benedict (Played by Elizabeth Taylor in "Giant") Every dinner table needs a beautiful, intelligent and charming Southern Lady played by Elizabeth Taylor.

5) Mary Kenton (Played by Emma Thompson in "The Remains of the Day") Because there needs to be a Brit there.  And, she can help do the dishes and clean the kitchen if she stays in character.

As for dinner, I think I'll just whip a big pot full of beef stew and some rolls.  That way everybody can go through the line and serve himself and herself and we can keep it pretty casual.


What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater?
They get duct taped to their chair.  While they are held captive I get to crush their cell phone with a mighty blow from my size 12 ½ boots.  Then I get to use some of the sharpest tiny pieces to torture them and let them slowly bleed from approximately 1,000 tiny wounds for the duration of the movie.

Too harsh?


Choose a female bodyguard:
Selina/Catwoman (Played by Michelle Pfeiffer in "Batman Returns"  or maybe The Bride (Played by Uma Thurman in "Kill Bill")

What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie?
I'm not a big scary movie fan but I guess I would go with the scary clown doll in "Poltergeist".

Your favorite genre (excluding "comedy" and "drama")
Ummm ..... "excluding comedy?"  I don't think we will exclude comedy.  Or drama from that matter.  There isn't much left after you exclude those two.

Anyway, I'll go with ..... comedy. *flips off question*

You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power?
First of all NO BEN AFFLECK MOVIES!  And no Julia Roberts either.  They both suck too bad.  I would probably put a focus on good animated movies along the lines of "Finding Nemo" and "Monsters Inc."  I would probably allow a few comedies and some action movies.  And a few dramas but only if they are REALLY good.  Oh and no political documentaries either.

Bonnie or Clyde?
Bonnie ... no contest.  Faye Dunaway was teh hawtness.  Besides, Warren Beatty really is such a bore.

--

Now the iPod Meme....

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool...

Opening Credits: "The Best is Yet to Come" – Tony Bennett and Diana Krall
Waking Up: "The River of Dreams" – Billy Joel
First Day at School: "Down to the River to Pray" – Alison Krauss
Falling In Love: "Only Wanna Be With You" – Hootie and the Blowfish (or Booty and Hofish, if you would prefer)
Fight Song: "Holy Roller Novocaine" – Kings of Leon
Breaking Up: "Let Love Rule" – Lenny Kravits
Prom: "Memory Motel" – The Rolling Stones (with Dave Matthews)
Life: "Jamming" - Bob Marley and the Wailers
Mental Breakdown: "Speak" - Godsmack
Driving: "Sunday Morning Coming Down" – Kris Kristofferson
Flashback: "Blue Eyes Cryin' in the Rain" – Willie Nelson
Wedding: "Crash into Me" – Dave Matthews
Birth of Child: "Me and Bobby McGee" – Janis Joplin
Final Battle: "Enter Sandman" – Metallica
Death Scene: "Harder to Breathe" Maroon 5
Funeral Song: "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" K.T. Tunstall
End Credit: "Good Ole Boys Like Me" Don Williams

That was pretty funny really.  I didn't change any of them, that's really the songs that came up each time.

1) Are you in a complicated relationship?
No. I live a pretty simple life. I like it that way.

2) Do you hate more than 3 people?:
Well, I try not to "hate", but I have to admit there are at least three people that could get hit by a bus tomorrow and I wouldn't exactly be upset about it. It's character flaw, I know.

3) How many houses have you lived in?
Ok, I'm going to include apartments in this list. Yellville (1), Harrison (3), Fayetteville (6), Little Rock (1), Fayetteville (1), Harrison (3), Springfield, MO (1), San Antonio (2), Harrison (1) ... That's 19!

4) Favorite candy bar?
Snickers, I guess

6) Have you ever tripped someone?
I don't think so. Ok, yes I have.

7) Least favorite school subject?
School sucked all the way around. But, the class I hated the most was Statistics.

8) How many pairs of shoes do you own?
Three

9) Do you own a Britney Spears CD?:
Good Lord no. Just pictures. Oh wait, I didn't download the pics. Nope, no Britney crap cluttering up and infecting my puter.

10) Have you ever thrown up in public?:
Right after basketball practice in 7th grade. We had just finished and I took one step and tossed my cookies .. well, actually in this case, scrambled eggs all over the court.

11) Name one thing that is always on your mind:
The "one thing" that is always on every guys mind. No really, I'm usually thinking about how sucky everything is and what stupid choices I've made.

12) Favorite genre of music?:
Pretty much everything, cept pop/country crap.

13) What is your zodiac sign?:
Pisces.

14) What time were you born?:
Well, I didn't check the clock but I think Mom said it was like 4 AM or so.

15) Do you like beer?
And lots of it. Hahaha Mostly imports. Belgian beer is the best beer. Czech beer is pretty damn good too. Oh and German beer is tasty.

16) Have you made a prank phone call?:
I'm sure I have.

17) What is the most embarrassing CD you own?
So, this is one of those questions where we find out if you actually read the whole post. I own ... and I really can't believe I'm gonna admit to this .... a Mariah Carey CD. *hangs head in shame*

18) Are you sarcastic?
If you have to ask this question you haven't been paying attention around here.

19) What is your favorite color?
I like earthtones.

20) How many watches do you own?
Lots. I have a thing for watches. I love them.

21) Summer or winter?
Winter. It is fun to watch all the women running around wearing tiny outfits in the summer. But, I prefer the cold weather. I used to hate the cold and love the heat. Now it's the other way around.

22) Is anyone in love with you?
Yes, and it's really getting old. I keep telling Ashley Judd that I think she's a nice girl, but Kate Beckinsdale owns my heart. And I have the restraining order to prove it. .... ok that was a joke. No, nobody is in love with me. *pout*

23) Favorite color to wear?
I have a collection of $5 t-shirts in several different colors.

24) Pepsi or Sprite?
Diet Sierra Mist. But I love Pepsi too.

26) Where is your second home?
My imaginary world where I am rich and handsome and lounging around on a beach somewhere.

27) Have you ever slapped someone?
Slapped them WHERE? Actually none of that sissy slapping stuff.

29) How many lamps are in your bedroom?:
None

30) How many video games do you own?:
None. I once had a Play Station but I gave it away. It's too time consuming. I've got blogs to take up all my time with now.

31) What was your first pet?:
Tippy, a border collie who was black except for a tip of white on her tail. Get it? Tippy, tip of her tail. Cute, huh?

32) Ever had braces?
No.

33) Do looks matter?:
*SIGH* yes, they do I guess. I wish they didn't cause that would really help me out a lot.

34) Do you use chapstick?:
Yup.

35) Name 3 teachers from high school:
Mr. W – moron. Mrs. S – slut. Coach H – Bad Ass.

36) American Eagle or Abercrombie?:
American Eagle. I'm too old and not hip enough to go to Abercrombie.

37) Are you too forgiving?:
Well, I would like to be. I know I should be. But, I'm not. I'm not proud of it though. It's another character flaw.

38) How many children do you want?
Zero. Nothing against kids. I just would prefer not to have all the responsibility. Hell, I can't even take care of myself most of the time.

39) Do you own something from Hot Topic?:
I've never heard of Hot Topic.

40) Favorite breakfast meal?
Bacon, eggs over easy, hash browns and toast.

41) Do you own a gun?:
Why don't you try to crawl through my window and find out? Do you feel lucky punk? Well, do ya?

42) Ever "thought" you were in love?:
ummmm .... yup

43) When was the last time you cried?
It's been a while.

44) What did you do three nights ago?:
Same thing I'm doing right now.

45) Olive Garden?
Sucks.

46) Have you ever called your teacher 'mommy'?
Yeah, I did but it was in a dream and I was lying across her lap and I really don't want to talk about it.

47) Have you ever been in a castle?:
No

48) Nicknames?
I think I've had a few, but most of them weren't very flattering at all.

49) Do you know anyone named Bertha?
No

50) Ever been to Kentucky?:
Yes, it was beautiful. I went to the Kentucky Horse Park north of Lexington. Then drove through Frankfort and found Daniel Boone's grave. Then on to Louisville.

51) Do you own something from Banana Republic?:
No

52) Are you thinking about somebody right now?
Yes.

53) Ever called somebody 'boo'?
Just Boo Radley. Oh wait .. that was HIS name. No, nobody has ever called me that. But, people have jumped out of a closet and yelled "BOOOOOOOO" at me before. I didn't really care for that.

54) Do you smoke?
No

55) Do you drink?
Like a fish. Ok, not really. I mean I'm not an alcoholic or anything. They go to meetings.

56) Are you happy with your life right now?
I don't want to get into that right now, thank you.

57) Do you like your hair?:
I wish there was less gray in it, but otherwise I guess it's fine. Wait, it's not "fine" I mean, it's pretty thick and it grows fast. But, it's ok.

58) Does anyone have a crush on you?
Does anyone not have a crush on me? I mean really. I'm just a piece of meat to women.

59) What were you doing in May of 1994?
Working in the plastic molding dept of a manufacturing company that has since closed down and sent all those jobs overseas.

61) Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD?
No, NEVER!

62) McDonalds or Wendys?
Wendy's .... not even close.

63) Do you find yourself attractive?
No

64) Are you closer to your mother or father?:
Mother. And, believe me, you don't want me to get into my relationship with my father. You aren't a licensed therapist are you?

65) Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex?:
Oh, I'm totally all about personality and sense of humor and ... oh ok, legs. Actually it depends. For some women it's eyes, for others its the booty or her smile and for other women it's other ... uh .. things.

66) Are you afraid of the dark?:
No, not at all, actually. I kinda like the dark in fact.

67) Have you ever eaten paste?
I don't think so.

68) Do you own a webcam?:
Yes, it's still in it's box and is in a cabinet somewhere. Do you want me to get it out and hook it up and dance for you?

69) Have you ever stripped?
No, my webcam isn't hooked up. Hahahaha .. Ok, yeah, I actually have.

70) Ever broken a bone?:
A couple of them in my left arm.

71) Are you religious?
OOOOOOOO .. a religious question eh? Well the answer is yes, in my own way. Not in a way that the "holier than thou" crowd might approve of, but I don't care.

73) Pringles or Lays?:
Pringles ... the white cheddar preferably.

Is that 100 yet? No? Sheesh.

74) Have you ever broken someone's heart?:
Every day baby. I can't help it. I just have so many women throwing themselves at my feet. Oh wait. That was just in my dreams. I get reality and fantasy confused sometimes. Anyway, yes, I have.

76) Full House or The Brady Bunch?:
Brady Bunch ... Marsha was sooooooooo hot!

77) Did you like your high school guidance counselor?
The guy was a great counselor if you had a chance at an athletic scholarship somewhere. But, if you were actually looking for real academic guidance you were shit outta luck.

78) Has anyone ever called you a tease?
Oh, yeah, all the time. All those woman throwing themselves at .. oh yeah... uh .. NO

79) Do you have a birth mark?
I don't think so, but there are some parts of my body I haven't been able to inspect closely enough. I'll have Kate Beckinsdale .. ok, yeah, yeah, yeah ... reality vs dreams .. whatever.

80) Do you work?:
I am a professional interviewer.

81) Can you cook?:
Actually, yes. I'm a pretty decent cook, if I do say so myself.

82) Four things that annoy you:
1. Slow people in the left lane.
2. Bigots/Racists/Homophobes
3. Liars
4. All those commercials on TV
I could go on and on ...

83) Do you text message often?:
Never, ever. Not even once.

84) Money or love?
Loaded question. If I say money I'm a materialistic bastard and if I say love I'm gay or a hippie ... or a gay hippie. So, I'll go with falling in love with a rich woman? Hahaha ... Ok seriously, money isn't really that important. I'm not all that materialistic. At least that's what I keep telling myself. It makes me feel better about myself. But, having said that, I mean, we gotta have money, right? And I'm one who firmly believes that money DOES buy happiness and can buy love. At least for an hour at a time. hahaha

85) Do you have any scars?
Yes, deep emotional scars. And a two long scars on my left arm where they went in and put the plates and screws on the broken arm. And a few scrapes and bumps here and there.

86) What do you want more than anything right now?:
Just one thing?

87) Do you enjoy scary movies?
Not really.

88) Relationships or one night stands?:
Every one night stand is a little relationship in itself. Ok, relationships are better. Fine, there I said it. Happy. Mr. Sensitive here.

89) Big Red or Juicy Fruit?
Juicy Fruit

90) Do you enjoy greasy food?
Yes, but it doesn't love me. Or, maybe it loves me too much.

91) Have you seen all the Rocky movies?:
One, two and three only.

92) Do you own a box of crayons?
No.

94) Who was the last person you said 'I love you' to?
I don't really remember, but I'm sure I meant it. You shouldn't say that if you don't mean it.

95) Who was the last person that made you mad?
Some right-wing blow hard, I'm sure. Unless it was a left-wing blow hard. Or some stupid sports columnist.

96) Who was the last person that made you cry?:
Can't remember, but it probably wasn't too long ago. You know how sensitive I am.

97) Who was the last person that made you laugh?:
Somebody on the Daily Show probably.

98) Who was the last person to text you?
Nobody, ever.

99) Who was the last person that called you?
Somebody who wanted me to donate to the University of Arkansas Business School. That call didn't last very long.

100) Who's your cell phone provider?
That's the stupidest 100th question ever. I spent the whole afternoon on this and there is no way I'm ending this with a lame-ass question like this. I shall now make up a much better 100th question.

100) What is your favorite sexual position?
Well, that's pretty inappropriate don't you think. I mean I can't believe you would ask .. oh yeah, I made that question up.



You may have noticed that there are some missing questions there. So, here are some to make up for the missing ones:

Favorite form of exercise? Umm sex? Okay, how bout the stationary bike and just out walking around seeing the sites and enjoying the outdoors.

Any irrational fears? Nope, they're all completely rational.

First thing you would pack to go on tropical vacation? My thongs, of course.

Can you roll your tongue? Nope ... I'm not all that talented.

Do you feel your life is moving too fast? Entirely too fast.