First thought...WHAT THE FUCK?!
Would they have done a Take That show pre-Patience? I doubt it.
I do love Take That but i would hardly call Gary Barlow 'one of the greatest song writers of all time'....As Simon did.
Most of Take That's original 1990's stuff was okay. Their cover versions were always better though. With the exception of Why Can't I Wake Up With You. And Mark Owen's albums are far superior to anything Fatty Barlow could do.
Fatty Barlow is still as smug as ever. But the jokes on him as no one would be arsed buying his solo records. And he knows it.
Anyway...what does the show hold for us apart from fake screams of orgasmic pleasure from the mentally retarted studio audience....
Dermot O'Loopy is still sexy as fuck. And i wouldn't mind him sliding his length up my cervical entrance!
Fuck sake...Fatty B is so bland when talking. That. Monotone. Northern. Accent. Yuk.
Oh and much like Children In Need...the nights on here are dedicated by who the fuck has an album coming out...Mariah, Manilow...Take That. How crap.
Alexandra up first....Oh she loved Take That. She had the bedspreads and the cd's! Relight My Fire. An actual Take That original. Not. It was a cover. Obviously, leaving out the covers would have made for a short show!
A MAJOR routine. So she says. 'so big i am actually terrified'.. Well, if you stay quiet and lie still, maybe Fatty won't eat you!
She is stealing her vocal style from Loleatta Holloway. The ORIGINAL Relight My Fire Diva. Pure shite.
Alexandra is typical 'copycat by numbers'. If there is a diva, she will copy her style. Aguilera, Mariah, Aretha...She copies them all. Can someone in a record label please note that Aguilera style screeching is NOT good. It is what ruins a song. That and Simon saying 'you are only 19' as a reason for her 'brilliance'. Fuck off. Debbie Gibson, Tiffany & Britney were ALL much younger than that and did much better than some Whitney wannabe on a second rate show. I love to hate, y'know!
Next up...Ruth Lorenzo. My favourite. Until now.
Love Ain't Here Anymore. (a lesser known song)...Number 3 and countless weeks in the charts. Very well.
She is being very shouty tonight. And i hate how the audience stand up and screeeeeeeeeam during a high or long note. To drown out the bum ones no doubt.
Ruth has the best vocal range and style in 'this competition'. But her Spanish pronounciation of certain lyrics has hindered her tonight. Oh and as a non-Brit, she should not actually be in the competition. No, i ain't joined the BNP. Yet.
How can anyone take Cheryl Cole seriously? 'Geordie wordie bla bla'. What the fuck is she on about?
And WHY OH WHY do the audience and contestants shit themselves with joy when Simon praises someone? SIMON IS A MAN. Not a fucking God. And the competition should be about the singers, NOT the judges!
Ach, I've gone off Ruth now. That accent is more Allo Allo than Espanol.
NEXT!
JLS. Not JML as i thought.
BUT, like JML, JLS cd's will look and sound good in theory but be shite when you get them home.
Louis Walsh 'boyband king'. Oh haha. Westlife are something to brag about. No wonder people hate the Oirish.
Louis is a closet priest. And likes 'Boy'bands. That's all i'm saying.
And JLS want to be as big as Take That. HA! I just shat myself laughing.
Brian Freedman (Creative Director) = Dannii's 'Gay Pal' and owner of the Kylie Collection.
So, JLS are 'treating' us to A Million Love Songs. Oh great. The 'cute' one trying to be Michael Jackson. And by cute i mean looks 35. The youngest looking then.
Oh shite. Their voices 'blended' together sounds like a bunch of cats being throttled. That is fucking shocking when you think they are up for a MILLION pound record deal. If this is 'talent' then no wonder the world of showbiz is the way it is. And their attempts at 'raw' with the 'take me back' line just came across as...well...shite.
A Million Seconds later...and here i am. Vomiting. They are absolutely shite shite shite. And YES, i would say that to their faces. How can Cowell sleep at night producing this bollocks and passing it off as 'entertainment'...
Cheryl says it is their best vocal ever. Hmmm.
Simon. And the song was changed 24 hours ago so it's another excuse for being shit time. NO excuse. Proper entertainers can learn a song quick smart and be done with it.
Oh Louis says they had a stresful week. And he is in charge of them. Yawn. They look like popstars. And Dannii 'nicked' their song according to Louis. Yes, is that Louis who wrote it, has the publishing rights and all that? No, thought not.
Ludicrously succesful. Says Dermot about JLS. Ha. Ha. Ha.
Time for a break. All the Grannies must be wetting themselves for a cuppa by now.
I'm off to barf.
This might be my last week watching this bollocks, cheap, trashy, full of crap talentless show with fixed voting and 'all about the judges' shite.
Dannii can't introduce prozzy woman as she's crying cos Dermot says 'who's gonna win...Daniel?'.
Oh my. Louis has to introduce the hooker with a heart of gold and the bling to match.
Rachel is going to do a song she loves. And Gary loves how she's had her knocks. Oh fuck off. She is a right old slag whorebag!
'Her past makes her want to prove something' says Dannii. Oh yawn.
I agree with Louis! FUCK!
Rachel is a good singer but has NO likeability! How true. She's a hardfaced bitch who thinks the world owes her a living.
She is now murdering Rule The World. She screeches like a prozzy being spit roasted. She's had plenty of practice!
Her voice is nothing new. And neither are her 'high' notes. She sounds like a second rate Macey Gray. In a bad way.
Dannii is clapping. Makes a change from getting clap.
Louis says she is a loose cannon. In more ways than one no doubt.
Simon does point out that the crap acrobat dancers were pointless. How true.
Louis is pissing Dannii off and she is crying again. He is bitching about Dannii crying. It's all about the judges here. As usual. Dannii love, if you want to nick songs, piss on orphans or batter an Irish toad, then PLEASE DO.
Poor Dannii. Her botox has prevented frown lines. But at least her tear ducts work!
Next up...Throaty Diana. Who sings like Kenneth Williams & Dido. She missed a week due to 'throat reoubles' YAWN. Another Leona, Leon, Rik Waller etc. If you can not handle singing for a few weeks in a row on a daily basis how the fuck will you cope touring? Get a fucking reality check.
Her rehersal version of Patience is very Katy Melua mixed with Dido. In pain. What a big load of shite.
Now onto the live performance. Her laryngitis is forgotten...She's gonna like, give it her, like, everything. Oh fuck.
opening line is very Oirish folk singer with PMS. What the fuck is her style? She really does have the worst singing voice i have ever heard. She is even worse than me. And that is really really fucking bad.
If she reads this, i hope she takes my advice and drops out. Unless the public get wise and kick her out tonight.
The way she sings the word 'Patience' is as weird as fuck. If one person claims she is good on the panel i will shoot them!
Oh for fuck sake thank god that is over. If she was my daughter i would have put that in a fucking home.
Oh look, Dannii has been touched up!
Oh, Louis loved it. So did Dan. And Simon. And Cheryl.
For fuck sake. What the fuck? Fuck sake! I am in shock! That is pure drivel.
Different? Aye, as in pure shite.
The way that Diana is jumping about, she either has Manic Depression or a smack habit. Answers on a postcard please.
So, what's next? One more performance. oh that little Irish cunt. Bet he sings Babe!
It's Eoghan Quim (haha). Simon's 'charge'. Hurdy gurdy irish pierish. Bla bla.
Pronounced 'Owen' basically. The stereotypical 'baby faced', Quivvery voiced arse.
Oh, it's actually Never Forget. One of Take That's 'anthems'.
Oh he's having problems with the song. Tough.
He is this years Gareth Gates. Young, boring, wants to be 'Westlife'. Typical.
I am shocked at how shite these finalists are.
If i had paid to see them i would demand a refund.
I see this little twat has chosen Rona Keating as his chosen vocal style. They will put his crap notes down to his age. As usual.
The way he is doing the chorus is strangely Gary Barlow style. He really loves those boybands.
Oh and in a cheap ploy they have brought in some little choir thing people. Yawn.
I LOVE the reverb on his voice. I can still hear the duff notes. And now he is being Robbie.
I don't care now who is out. Not one of those people deserve a record deal. No wonder the Cheeky Girls got a deal.
I am utterly disappointed in our 'entertainment'.
Why do they need to sing other folks songs every week again?
Cheryl fancies Eoghan. Ha! He's a poofy Louis boy!
I'm off to ponder Dannii's botox.
Miss H
x