Sometimes I dont know if I'll make it.

Lord, show me I will. I know you can.

life is....

life is cruel,

life is wonderful,

life is agonizing,

life is beautiful,

life is awful,

life is amazing,

life is heartbreaking,

life is...... totally worth it.

Sometimes when the shittiest thing you could possibly imagine happens to you... and you are so utterly devastated by it that functioning becomes difficult... but theres always something there when the smoke clears thats better than what you had before. As long as you keep your eyes open.. something better will always be there.

so.. terrible terrible news people... most of you know how annoyingly attatched i am to my sidekick. well, yesterday i started getting error messages on my sidekick. it said that it was unable to read my sim card. so i tried takin it out n puttin it back in... restarting the phone.. hard resetting the phone itself.. none of it worked. so i took it into tmobile on my berak and told em what was goin on and they did all the same things i did and told me that it was broken. i was like.. duhh no shit. haha. so they replaced my sim card and said it would take about 2 hours to reset. so... 6 hours later, it still wasnt workin so i called customer care and told them what was up..and they told me to try taking the sim card out and putting it back in and restarting it and all that jazz.. then when i told them that didnt work..they said your phones broken. and i was like.. duh no shit. so he told me i had to go to a ups store and send my phone to tmobile and in about 10 buisness days they would get it and evaluate it and decide whether it was damaged physically or by water. if they decide that it is broken as a result of physical damage or water damage.. they'll send it back to me with a fuck you note and say too damn bad. if they decide that the phone is faulty.. they will send me a refurbished one. so im stuck with a gay ass loaner phone. but scott michael novy is lettin me borrow his old one. so its not soo bad. but thats a long time to go without a sidekick... especially for me. haha.

piece out

Somtimes in life, things happen that make you question. Things that make you question your life. 'If i were to die right now, would my life have been wasted? Useless? Or really meaningful.

Sometimes in life, things happen that make you question. Is it really worth it to act like a teenager.. Just because you are one? Do you ever stop and think about what effect things like drinking, or smoking, or drag racing can have on the people around you? Or worse yet, yourself?

Somtimes in life, things happen that make you question. Well tonight, something happened that really made me question. And really made me think. Really made me realize how precious life is, and how quickly it can be taken away as well.

After watching a movie at my girlfriend michelle's house with michelle and aryn... Aryn and i were on our way to her house because she was late and i needed to drop her off. On route 31 and bernadette street at approximately 12:20 am, February 11th, we were driving in close proximity to a mustang. The mustang, confusingly, was driving under the speed limit so i got into the inside (left) lane to pass it. I passed it and got a few feet in front of it when suddenly, the car accelerated and took off only to slow down 50 or 100 feet later. I was pulling back up along side it, and passed it again. Again the driver sped up and got directly next to us and suddenly swerved off the road to the right and hit a mailbox, then rode up onto the lawn narrowly missing a tree then swerving back towards the road barely missing a huge wooden retaining wall and sliding back away from the road over a small hill and hitting a tree DEAD ON at 50 mph.

I wont go into the rest of the details because the police report hasnt even been written yet, and i dont feel that its my place to tell the details. The point is that any one person could have been in that car and have the exact same thing happen.

The stupid, mindless, destructive things that we do as teenagers have dire consequences and there are so many people who fail to see them. Tonight was a real eye opener, and if it was going to happen anyway, im glad that i got to witness it first hand, because it truly is a lesson that we all need to learn.

I will give one detail.. But only because it illustrates my point 100When they put the driver in the ambulance, the firefighters were searching the car. They pulled out a bottle of alcohol. What it was, im not sure. But this is where drinking leads. If you drink, you may start at a friends house, or at home or at a party. But the longer you drink, the more you drink and the more confidence you get in yourself and then, you make one stupid mistake. You drive drunk, or high. And one false move, and you hit a tree at 50 mph. Social drinking, or drinking just for a buzz, leads to drinking to get drunk, which leads to getting plastered. There is no reason for it and only bad things come from it.

We all must come together and realize the stpuidity of our actions. Its sad that something has to happen very locally for people to realize things. Two days ago, a student at Kaneland High School committed suicide. Kids from kaneland say that the school has never been more united. Why is it that something bad has to happen before people will use their heads and their hearts?

Please, people. Let what happened tonight be a wakeup call. Let us all unite and stop these kinds of things from happening again. Do we really have to wait until there is a death to unite? Lets not let that happen. I want you all to stop, and think about your life. Think about the things that you do that you regret or wish you didnt do. Think seriously about changing yourself, for your own future, or that one person driving the other way when you swerve and hit them head on because you had been drinking. Cant we make this a better world, or at least try?

Please.

There are certain people in your life that you would never imagine they would or could do anything bad. There are people in your life that you view as perfect. They might have their flaws, their small annoying tendancies. Whatever. They never gave you a reason to doubt them about anything. So why wouldnt you think they were perfect? Does anyone know who im talking about yet. Some of you i know for a fact wouldnt agree. Your parents. In your eyes, their perfect. They have all the answers and know all the tips and tricks and shortcuts. I used to look at my parents like they were the one married couple that was truely in love. None of that relationship bullshit that you see on T.V. Why would i get this picture in my head? Because my parents are fucking liars. Because they both are more concerned with how i picture their marriage, than actually making it a good one. You dont really learn anything about your parents until you get old enough that they dont have to hide the relationship problems anymore. Some couples will stay together, simply for the sake of their child. They seem to have the mentality that a fake marriage will ensure that a child will be brought up right, if the illusion that his or her parents' marriage is perfect.

But ask yourself, What is more crushing... Seeing your parents marriage fail while you're still at a young age, and thinking it was your fault... Or seeing it fail at an older age say 16, 17 or 18. And finding out later that the only reason the marriage lasted as long as it did was simply in the 'best interests of you'. When you are old enough to comprehend the weight of 15 years of marriage... only to raise you right. 15 years of your parents' lives gone, just so you would grow up to be a good person.

At a young age... a kid will get over the divorce of his or her parents. But to find out that it was all a charade. And that childs parents will spend the rest of their lives loathing eachother because the marriage got so bad over the years, because they were thinking of you.

So again. Ask yourself.. Whats worse, a child who may think that the divorce was their fault, for a few years. Or a young man or woman who will remember for the rest of their lives that they are the reason their parents want to slit eachothers throats... Try carrying that one around.

Please.

Sorry about all the emo divorce blogs. I just need to vent.

I titled this blog 'Things you learn...'

Because today i learned some things that disproved the theory that all young kids have about their parents. That they are perfect.

My father... is a liar.

My mother... is a liar.

Both of them have their own best interests in mind. No one wants the inevitable divorce to be ugly, but its almost guarenteed. My mom wants what my dad is not willing to give up.

Lawyers will get involved. Thousands of dollars will be paid to them, and my parents will be no closer to getting where they want to go, just thousands of dollars poorer.

Fuck all this bullshit.

Hey, this is a shoutout.

This is for all of you who have stood by me and been there for me when i needed you. I love all you guys.

Today confirmed my worst fears.. This whole thing is not gunna just blow over. its just gunna blow out of proportion, quickly. But i'll make it.

Again. Thanks a lot.. Everyone.

So.. Bad news today. = (

When i got home from work today, my mom told me that she had some potentially upsetting news.

She asked my dad to move out.

She wont tell me what happened, she said that if he wanted to tell me, he could.

I dont know where he went, and neither does she. And i cant get ahold of him because his phone is off.

I really dont know what to do or think right now.

My parents have threatened things like this before to eachother... But its never happened.

I just dont know where to go from here.

= /

I left my old answers and put my new answers in bold.

70 THINGS YOU PROBABLY DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME--

1. DO YOU SNORE?
I think i just breathe really loud.

Yea... i snore. i admit it. = )

2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
I'm deff. a LoVeR. fo sho

no changing that.. although i do enjoy fighting.

3. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?

1947 burgundy ford..?

i have no idea why i put that when i did.. but i have no fear anymore. He takes care of them for me. = )

4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
no. lol. my brother was tho. he was so good at legos. haha. i got bored too easily to play with legos.

still true. i havent the patience for legos.

so... over the years my good buddy scottie and i have picked up quite a few hobbies, some extreme sports takin place on huge ramps or rails, or some takin place in a poor mans yacht club.. (bowling alleys are sometimes reffered to as poor mans yacht clubs) skating, running, bike riding, swimming, bowling, tennis, professional saucer sledding (haha) and just recently. snowboarding, downhill as well as freestyle.

Maybe once or twice before december fourth, i had snowboarded. so i knew what i was doin, but, that was definitely a learning day for scottie for he had never been snowboarding before. that was a sight to see. haha. we were definitely not good. since december fourth we've been out 3 times and the skills acquired astound me. we've learned how to ride, turn, carve, ride switch, stop backside. that all came the second time out this year at alpine valley.

The 3rd trip this year, and most recent was yesterday, the last day of 2005. we decided that riding wasnt enough so we spent most of our day and unfortunately most of our spills 'n thrills on the terrain park of alpine valley. that is.. ramps, rails and boxes.

We're quick learners, i've decided because by the second run, we hit the first rail and the 7 foot kicker with some decent air. by the 3rd and 4th runs. we had the tabletop box and 8 foot kicker down. the only things left to hit were some big handrails and a c box. i was determined to ride the c box. heres a picture of one so you can better understand what im talking about. just click this link. it should send you to a page with the pic on it.

http://www.ruidoso.net/visitors/images/c_box.jpg

needless to say i ate shit when i tried it the first time. and i was scared of it for a while but dammit was i determined to do it. so a few more runs of pussing out right before i just went for it and rode almost the whole damn thing. the tricky thing about it is you dont have to try to stay on it because it curves 'n bends just perfect so you stay on right around the curve so you end up trying too hard to stay stabilized when you dont need to. and thats what makes you fall. i figured it out tho. haha. by the end of the night, i pretty much had it down. i got the small handrails, the tabletop box the c box and both 8 foot kickers.

Scottie was right there with me on everything i did and tryin some shit i wasnt even thinkin about tryin. haha. like a 360 off the 8 foot kicker... no thanks.

But even more proud i was of michelle and marji for steppin it up 'n goin all out skippin the bunny hill and hittin the terrain park with us. michelle goin from the 'i cant do it' attitude that she had last time that kept her tethered to the bunny hill... traded it in for a 'hell yea i did it' attitude and went straight for the bigger hills and impressed us all. i coudlnt be more proud

I

<3

michelle

!!!

So scottie and i have decided that snowboarding is something we'd like to persue and we are already planning a trip next winter to colorado. definitely lookin forward to that.

But im out. happy new year to all. except the chinese people. they got their own new years goin on sometime in february. haha.

holla.er