10 Things The Pt Thinks The Pt Thinks
(Hair Metal Edition – dedicated to Ms. Camille Escobedo)
1) Loudness will always be the best band there ever was. The rest of us douchebags are just living in their shadow. The Pt says no one Lock's and/or Loll's better. Black Star Oblivion BABY!!!!!
2) Klaus Meine is the best tambourine player the Pt has ever seen. And tossing it the entire width of the Spectrum with Peyton Manning-like ease and accuracy far outshines both of the Schenker brothers' guitar wizardry.
3) Everyone is getting on the "Let's hate Europe (the band, not the continent)" bandwagon these days. But the Pt thinks you're all just jealous of the pretty gurl up front. The Pt knows how it is to be hated for being the pretty one. Or maybe people just plain hate the Pt. It's a toss up.
4) That new car commercial (Or is it I-Phone? Who can tell?) with the kids singing Don't Need Nuthin' But A Good Time, is the best thing Bret Michaels has done since he nailed Pam Anderson and filmed it for the rest of us douchebags to enjoy as well. (I-Phone is a registered trademark of the Go Fuck Yourself Corporation.)
5) There has never been an uglier band than Keel. Yes Quiet Riot, Cobra and Tease gave them a run for their money. But the Pt will take Keel to win an ugliest dog contest any day of the week.
6) To Do List: (These are things the Pt recommends to everyone.)
- Get in hot chick gurlie punk band!!!!!!
- Go see Girls Girls Girls – Billed as "Hot ladies playing the songs of MotleyCrue." How can this not be the best thing you've seen all year? 10/27 at Assbury Lanes.
- Start male Vixen tribute band, but keep Roxy Petruchi on drums.
- Get the hell out of douchebag boy band, even if named after a Russ Meyer flick.
- Drink more beer. You're losing your beer guts people.
- Write more songs about drinking beer.
7) VH is not VH without Michael Anthony. The Pt disapproves, no matter how many chicks Wolfgang gets to nail in Dayton next week. Eddie, are you honestly trying to tell us douchebags that Mike had to go for you and Dave to get your shit together? WTF!!!!!!
8) Chuck Klosterman was right. G'n'R were the best Hair Metal band. Although they might not have been Hair Metal. But being pre-Nirvana the Pt will have to lump them in there anyway. Plus their VH1 Behind the Music takes a close second place only to Ratt's VH1 Behind the Music. (VH1 Behind the Music is the sole property of VH1 and Time Warner and some rich douchebag, and may not be mentioned here or anywhere ever again.)
9) The Pt's non-Hair Metal thoughts of the week:
- Get thee to Centerfolds right quick. The Pt's favorite wing night special, for mere nipples and dimes. Er… uh… nickels and boobs. Uh… they have naked chicks.
- Rob Smentek–your hair is a thing of beauty!!!! Almost as nice as that insane merch box.
- Douchebag is the Pt's favorite word right now. Could ya tell?
- The Pt says you can't polish a turd. Remember this next time you waste 5 minutes reading the Pt's blatherings.
- The Pt still HATES Kris!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
10) The Pt thinks the Pt has run out of stooooopid things to rant about Hair Metal. But rest assured, the Pt will have more rants coming in the future, on such subjects as:
- Beer.
- The drinking of said beer.
- Dumb things to do when drinking said beer.
- Dumber things to say to cops, when doing dumb things, when drinking said beer.
- Dumberer things to do in the holding pen, after saying dumber things to cops,when doing dumb things, when drinking said beer.
- Oh… and boobs.