What is it that keeps you from true happiness?

 

Does your idea of utopia include winning the lottery?  Having a more expensive automobile than your friends?  Having a larger big screen television than your co-worker?  Or does it include ads on tv, radio, magazines and billboards telling you their way is the road to true happiness?

Well, they are totally wrong, wrong, wrong!  Unless you have some innate  personal love of lottery winnings, expensive cars, or keeping up with the Joneses, don't allow yourself to buy into someone else's idea of your best life.  If you do, you're in for a huge fall-flat on your face.  Understand, no one but you has even the slightest clue as to what makes you happy or how to live your best life.  If they tell you they do, they need to take deep, deep breaths and move the heck on.

What you love is as unique to you as your dna.  You need to understand that because nothing will make you really happy but doing what you love, take a good hard look at people who are actually living their best life.  You see peace, confidence and contentment in their eyes and patience in their actions.  They know they're in the right place at the right time, dong the right thing.

Deep inside of yourself, you know what you love don't you?  You know what makes you happy.  You know your dream of finding the right mate, the right job, losing a few pounds, living a healthy life, even traveling the world.  You wish you could live a more holistic life; or begin or own a business, even put your own spiritual principles, no matter what they may be into action.

Perhaps you don't have any dreams or aspirations, or maybe you can't articulate your dreams, but you can sense them deep inside you.  Even if they are not clearly defined or articulated, they are never far away.  Generally speaking, true dreams are almost impossible to get rid of.  The dreams trouble and tempt you.  They keep reminding you that you're not satisfied with your life, that something crucial is missing.  If my words are disturbing to you, you are just not living your best life.  You need to learn to take deep cleansing breaths and move on to what serves you best.

As impossible as this may seem, this is very lucky for you..this state of moving outside your comfort zone.  If your hopes, dreams and aspirations didn't' trouble you, you may forget them entirely and never know if they could have become reality.  This is what we as a people have been trained to do.

I'm not going into  what happened to us in the slave dungeons, on those horrible slave ships or those dang plantations.  We should know our history.  But it all began for us at that time..the feelings of worthlessness, of settling for less than what we are worth, or having others impose their truths about us.  We must move out of that victim state and walk into our own beautiful reality.

If your dreams didn't trouble you, you'd forget them, remember that.  So this exercise in moving your comfort zone to live your best life is an excellent one to gage where you are and where you're going. Forgetting your dreams is what you have been trained to do.  Whenever we dream out loud, we are criticized for being foolish by people who really have no clue how special we are.  As a result, we abandon our hopes, aspirations, and dreams without giving them an inth of a chance.

Whenever we begin to think of our dreams, we quickly recite the reasons why we can't.  When we do that we wonder why we feel like failures, or that our lives have no meaning or purpose.  How do I know all of this?  There was a time in my life when I got an A+ for FAILURE and another for QUITTING.

But I learned valuable lessons the hard way.  I learned some very valuable principles in the process that catapulted me like a cannon shooting out of a rocket-forward.  They are:

1.       If you can't change the people around you, then change the people around you.

2.       Awareness + Knowledge = Choice

3.       I am one of a kind

4.       I had divine gifts that I needed to begin to use

5.       I didn't have to change ME to change my LIFE

Trust me when I tell you this.  I had ot take a whole lot of deep breaths and begin to move on and lose the madness.

I began to love me, and all that was ME.  I went into recovery (link), not to change the authentic me, u tot learn to cope and change the way I thought about me.  I found what motivated me, so I could be gentle with myself.  I also learned that having my dreams fulfilled and internal validation of who I was improved my sense of self.  I was more energized as people noticed the change in me and my own feelings of who I was validated the compliments.  I was on a mission, and I was cocky, even confident!

You will find as you begin to love you and all that is you, self love will improve you. You'll become a much better person when you learn to through out the garbage others have left in your mind that decayed deep in your soul. Understand something, that was never really you.  It was the person someone imposed upon you.  You were living up to someone else's idea of who you are or how you should be.

Again, trust me when I tell you that having your dreams fulfilled, knowing who you are, is one of the greatest accomplishments or gifts you can give yourself.  Not fulfilling your dreams is a loss to the planet and most of all to you because the world needs all of our gifts.  Malcolm X once said, so succinctly, "If you want freedom, then fight for it.  If you can't fight for it, you don't deserve it."

Even though you may think you are pleasing yourself, you are helping all of us by sharing your God given talents.  It's only right and fitting that we give our best back while living our best life.

Let's take this journey together.  You'll be living your best life before you know it.

Many blessings!

Princess Ademide Adinasse

 History
 
 
 Since the dawn of time physical force has been used to keep subordinate groups in their place by dominant people in society. Men have always been physically larger than women and since mostsocieties are male dominated, too no surprise the woman has almost always been the most common victim. In Roman times, a man was allowed to divorce, chastise, or even kill his wife for adultery, attending public games, or public drunkenness. All of which the husband was allowed to freely partake in. During the middle ages it was mans right to beat his wife or kill her for so much as giving her husband a dirty look. The first recorded advocates against domestic violence were two author by names of Christian Pizan and Mary Wollstonecraft. Even though the issue was being publicized, no action was ever taken until the 1840's when the American women's movement brought up the issue while fighting for the right to vote. No state in the U.S actually passed a law making wife beating illegal until 1883. Although laws were passed to make it illegal, none were strictly enforced. Even up until the 1970's, wife beating was still fairly acceptable. The police most often would attend calls of domestic violence but would leave things to be resolved by the family. This ease and lack of enforcement allowed for the continuation of the abuse. The 70's became a period of protest and change for the women's rights movement. By the 1980's major changes started to take place. Police no longer ignored
 calls of domestic violence and more people were being convicted and punished for crimes of domestic violence. The acceptance of domestic violence is still seen today. It's acceptance is reflected in popular culture through the expression "rule of thumb" which comes from and old English rule that a man could beat his wife with any reasonable instrument as long as it was no thicker that his thumb. Even in today's society domestic violence is still  very common and more needs to be done to stop it.
 
 Causes
 
 Finding the reasons or causes of domestic violence is a very difficult. There is never one reason for domestic violence but it usually begins with a controlling nature and the need the need to control one's spouse. It begins with verbal insults and degradation then over time escalates into physical violence. The abuser has usually been involved in domestic violence case's before. More than likely during child hood. There is usually many different stressors and factors that cause these inherent or learned abusers to begin the abuse; unemployment, drugs and alcohol, different religious back rounds, low income levels, and lower education levels and simply different points of view.. None of these factors are not meant to be excuses, they are simply factors that come up in domestic violence cases time and time again.      
 
 
 
 
 Types of Abuse/Psychology of domestic violence
 
 
 When domestic violence occurs there is several different types of abuse that take place. The first is physical violence. Physical violence includes slapping, kicking, burning, punching, choking, locking a person out of the home, restraining, and other acts designed to injure, endanger, or cause physical pain. The second type is emotional abuse which consists of consistently doing or saying things to shame , insult, ridicule, embarrass, demean, belittle, or mentally hurt another person. The third type is sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is when someone is forced to have sex when he/she does not want to. Forcing someone to engage in sexual acts that he/she does not like or
 finds unpleasant, frightening, or violent. Because some one is married to or has been seeing their partner for a long time does not require that their must have sexual intercourse with them. No one type of abuse is worse than another and they all have very emotionally damaging effects. When it comes to domestic violence the most perplexing question is why ? Most people in today's society agree that domestic violence is wrong and think that it should be stopped. We
 know that it is dangerous and emotionally destructive for children to grow up in a violent home. We know that it is very emotionally destructive to the abused. Most societies have condemned it, we praise the efforts to help the abused and stop the violence but we still wonder why it does not go away. The first  reason is the cycle of violence which can be very hard to break. First tension builds due to stress. The abuser becomes critical, edgy and irritable. The abuser gradually becomes more abusive and more severe incidents of abuse start to occur. Both parties can sense the loss of control which only fuels the tension. With the second stage of the cycle comes the violent outbursts with acute battering. The abuser will fly off into a rage for no apparent reason
 and there is total loss of control. The third stage comes after the violence has stopped. The abuser becomes remorseful and apologetic. They often beg for forgiveness and swear it will never happen again. They go out of their way to be kind and loving and they swear that they will change. This phase explains why the abused comes back and lets the abuse cycle begin again. The abused wants to believe the abuser and wants to try and make things work. They are often reluctant to leave the abusive relationship because of a feeling of dependancy. The second reason why this problem does not go away is the abused person's dependancy on their partner and their "learned helplessness". Learned helplessness is a psychological term first identified by psychologist Martin Seligman. People who are abused tend to tend to think that there is no way out because they are so dependant on their partner. They continue to put up with the abuse and learn ways of dealing to cope with it. The third reason why this problem does not go away is because of the history of domestic violence. It has been acted out for thousands of years so there is still that acceptance and view that it is not a major problem.
 
 Psychology of an Abuser
 
 So what makes an abuser ? Abusers usually share common traits, back round factors, and behaviour patterns. It has been completely agreed upon that the goal of the abuser is power and control over their partner. These same people usually depend on their partner for emotional support since they are lacking in emotional skills. The abuser also tend to conform the stereo typical view of the man and the women. The man goes out and makes the money to support the
 family while women stays home to cook, clean, and look after the kids. These people often have trouble accepting responsibility for their behaviour abusive and otherwise. They usually feel guilt or shame for their actions but they try to justify or deny their behaviour. It has been found that many abusers share the same personality disorders such as lack of empathy, depression, general hostility, and feeling of victimization. They tend to lack social skills and they envelope themselves with their work and their family. They tend to interpret innocent situations that arouse their jealousy as having been done with hostile intent. Those who abuse adult partners often grew up in homes marred by violence between adults, against children, or both. However, it is important to remember that growing up in a violent home does not guarantee that a person will become abusive. I think that it is very important to understand and recognize people with abusive personalities so that they can be stopped and treated for what some would call a disease.
  
 
 Prevention
 
 Many psychologists believe that teaching our children that violence is inappropriate and teaching them better methods of problem solving, is the first step in ending domestic violence. One of the key components to making the teaching of our children work is leading by example by example and setting a positive example. Educating society as a whole also a very important key to ending domestic violence. Educating society as a whole is accomplished through changes in public policy and practices. Much tougher laws are needed since most abusers are given a slap on the wrist, it gives them and other people like them, the message that domestic violence is not a major crime and they can get away with it. When communities establish mandatory arrest and prosecution policies, a message is sent from the police and the courts that domestic violence is a crime that society will not tolerate. When they join with counseling programs for abusers, the message will also be that those who want to change will be given a chance.    
 
 Conclusion
 
 It has been agreed upon by all those trying to end domestic violence that not only the individual abusers, but society itself needs help. Domestic violence is still subtly allowed, even encouraged some say, by various groups. Our media and entertainment industry still glamorizes and tones down the seriousness of domestic violence. There are still police that ignore and trivialize domestic violence. And judges that give weak punishment or simply let the abusers off are all problems that are plaguing our society and making it more difficult to end domestic violence. I think that we are on the right track to ending domestic violence but our effort is just not strong enough. Our message that domestic violence is a crime is not strong enough either. What are these abusive people supposed to think when they are arrested, given a slap on the wrist, and then released the next day. My research has opened my eyes and made me aware of what is going on and what needs to be done. In the future I will do what is in my power to help get the message across and prevent it if possible.

Tonight I cried.

I finished my work, returned all the phone calls by listeners and readers alike, listened to their stories, took a bath, tried to relax, tried to distract. I went into my room for the first time in a while and sat on the edge of my bed. I looked around, kicked off my house shoes, lay back on my bed,, and tried to find my center underneath the facade. I oiled my body to feel something, anything besides the emptiness I felt in my heart for so many souls in an eternal hell with no roadmap out. I needed to feel my own feelings, not someone else's. I needed to be gentle and kind to myself, again something I had not done in a while because I've been conditioned to believe I'm no better than an automaton, a robot, not allowed to feel, think or even cry. I realized in that moment that I needed to shed those tears that have been behind my smile...the smile I wear like a mask so that no one knows what's going on inside.

 

Then I had myself a good cry.

I'm telling you

I cried until my nose was running all over my silk pillow case, which felt so good to my skin, where pain was seeping through my pores.

I cried until my ears were hot. I cried until the unreleased rage welled up in my soul. I cried and kicked and screamed and stomped until I called down a thunderstorm. I screamed like a banshee. I screamed in tandem with the wind that was beginning to whistle sweet breezes of comfort into my ears. I kicked and screamed and beat my pillow. I cried so hard, my head began to hurt and I could not see the tissues piled on the floor beside me like snow on a mountainside.

I want you to understand

I had myself a really good cry tonight. No holds barred.

Tonight I cried, for all the days that I was too busy, or too tired, or too afraid, or too mad to really cry,. Tears I shed then, I realized were not crying, they were simply allowing steam to come up from the boiler room which was my poor devastated soul.

I cried for all the days and all the ways and all the times I had dishonored, disrespected and disconnected my Self from myself and my Self from those who love me and care for me, only to have it reflected back in the way I allowed others that I thought needed healing to treat me.

I cried for the ex-husband who loved me so, but his love hurt, emotionally, physically and was plain ass toxic. I cried for the love we shared, in it's pure form, but knew that man was no longer there. I cried because he thought his imposed pain upon me could be assuaged with gifts and trinkets. I cried for the child in him that needed a mother, not a drinking buddy. I cried again for the little boy who needed understanding, not another beating for imagined wrongs.

I cried because he could not cry for himself and I know he never will. I cried because I really missed him and wondered where the soul who touched mine so went to. Did it go into the bottle where he drowns so many of his childhood sorrows that are unspeakable? Oh I just bawled then...great jerking tears.

I cried for the "man" I was with, who "imagined" he was healed from his own family dysfunction, so well in fact, that he wrote a book about how to heal. But here's the deal.. I found he had not a clue and kept changing the boundaries because he was never taught in all of his dysfunction what a boundary was. I cried because he really thought he was doing some good, when all along, he was just like the others...a user, abuser and loser. He turned out to be a predator, in sore need of healing himself. I cried his tears, the tears of a family torn apart by abuse, misuse and self deception. I knew in my heart of hearts in that moment, I could not spend my life with him. His love for me was so toxic that I needed a hazmat suit to approach it.

I cried for the little boy in him, who still cried out for acceptance of a woman, any woman, just don't lave him alone. I wanted healing for that little boy so badly, but his addiction was the mirror, and his fear was the dark, lonely nights when he should have been healing, but could not. The fear was far too great.

I cried because it really was telling in that I could take my heart and put it in a neat, strong clam shell and close it to you, to keep you from loving me the way you needed to and allow Sistahs who tell me they need me to help them, hurt me in ways you never could or would.

I cried because you were man enough to know that when I was screaming or rebelling at you, I was really rebelling at my Self who needed to allow you to nurture me, but didn't know how to allow it to happen.

I cried for all the things I had given, only to have them stolen; for all the things I had asked for that had yet to show up; for all the things I had accomplished, only to give them away, to people, cot circumstances, which left me feeling empty and battered and plain old used.

I cried for the goddaughter who came to my home today, to support me. I cried her tears, the tears she has yet to shed. I cried because she hurt and I thought I was so brave to tell my story to the world, when inside I felt as young as her son, my godson, only "little". I cried because she asked for a second, third and fourth chance with me and my kindness after abusing it and I recently loved myself enough to tell her to get it together, put words to action and show me. I cried because she trusted me with her secrets and though I fussed with her over what was good for her, she took baby steps into her own healing. I cried because as I watched my young god-son for the first time in his life, look up at his mother, she smiled back, much like she has seen me do with her and others. I see there is some good in Iya Ade. I see it in her and in him.

 

I cried because there really does come a time when the only thing left for you to do is cry. But I never learned that because if I cried, somebody would always tell me, "I'll give you something to cry for". Wasn't what they had just done to me enough?

Tonight I cried

I cried because little boys are caught in the middle of battle between Mommies and Daddies.; and little girls get forgotten by their mommies and daddies don't know what to do, so they leave their babies behind to be abused and misused.

I cried because when my daddy left, my mommy got mad and took it out on me.

I cried for her pain.

I cried for his pain

I cried for the pain of my sisters and brother

I cried for my nieces and nephews

I cried for the children of dysfunction. I cried because we try to explain why we are falling apart and expect them to understand a childhood lost to us. I cried because we expect our young ones to go places and spaces where no child should ever have to go.

 

I cried for my abusers, who had to have been in pain, to hurt me so over and over again. I cried because their pain came with the tag of "love" then I cried because I wanted to sentence them to suffer a fate worse than death, my fate. I cried because somewhere, although I am struggling to find God, that He, would not be pleased with my thoughts.

I cried because my feelings were so mixed up and I had no one to talk to because I am Iya Ade.

I cried because in the stillness of the night when my soul is pouring out it's grief, I can't call anyone to tell them because I am the one they talk to when their soul is crying out for help. I cried because I only know how to care for others and not myself. I cried because I need to learn to accept being loved and nurtured.

I cried because I thought I lost you and then found you again and when I did, I found myself.

I cried because I had a little boy, and because I was a little girl, and because I was a mommy who didn't know what to do, and because I wanted my daddy to be there so badly until I ached.

I cried because I realized I missed my daddy and needed him in the moment.

Tonight I cried.

I cried because I hurt. I cried because I was hurt.

I cried for the Sistahs who came into my life who didn't know who they were. I cried because they disrespected themselves so because of past abuses and misuses and didn't understand the pain they felt is not today's pain, it is yesterday's. I cried because they could not live in the moment.

I cried because I missed my old gang of Sistahs of the Nah Nah Sistahhood, who were so far away. (Nah Nah gurl, dat brotha just plain WRONG fo'dat) Oh I missed them, those longtime friends who may not see me for years, but would love and embrace me as soon as I landed. The sistahs who would follow me all over the planet to check on their "gurl". I cried because I wanted to impart this sense of sistah hood to so many black women I met, but they had their own agendas.

I cried for the knives in my back, put there by supposed "friends" and "sistahs" who had not a clue how to love, how to feel, how to have a healthy relationship, even with another sistah. I cried because I kept looking for what was present in those unhealthy sistah relationships. I cried because I could not take the knives out of my back and slam it into theirs.

I cried because I knew, I knew in my heart of hearts that the next Sistah who came calling for help and friendship, I would help, and I would take a knife in my back when I least expected it.

I cried because I thought I deserved it to help them heal. I cried because I really really missed my Sistah friends at home. But I couldn't call them...not tonight. Tonight was reserved for those issues I was wrongly renting headspace to and needed desperately to evict. I knew the "Nah Nah" Sistahhood would cuss me out lovingly for allowing such madness.

I cried for the little girls inside these women, who needed their daddies and wanted mommies who would protect them from harm. I cried for the little girls inside these women who went looking for daddy and thought they found him in a thug and that sex equated to love.

I cried for the babies born to these little girls/women who would repeat the cycle.

I cried because hurt had no place to go except deeper into the pain that caused it in the first place, and when it gets there, the hurt wakes you up, and screams at you, "I'm Here Ademide, I ain't forgot you".

I cried because it was too late, I cried because it was time.

I cried because my soul knew that I didn't' know that my soul knew everything I needed to know.

I cried a soulful cry tonight and it felt so good.

I cried because it was so cleansing and so right.

It felt so very, very bad

In the midst of my crying, I felt my freedom coming like a freight train.

Because unlike all the other times I cried

Tonight I cried for the very last time. From now on, everyone else does.

 

Circa 2004

My eternal thanks to Iyanla VanZandt whose book "Yesterday I Cried" was my inspiration and impetus to healing this "in the moment" time.

"You are ugly"

"You worthless piece of trash"

"You don't deserve"

"You need to change"

"You can't change"

 

You, you, you! Aren't you tired of others telling you about you?

Why in the world do we accept other's definition of who we are? Why would we rather believe a lie

as opposed to the truth about who we are? Why do "you" an individual person with your own

thoughts and reality allow anyone besides yourself to tell you who you are, how you need to change

and how you may not even be worthy of being in their presence?

I have learned on my journey to reject labels imposed upon me, but it was hard work. Still is, truth

be told. I have to constantly remind myself of who I am, where I came from and where I am going.  This is hard work, this thing called life.

I think it behooves us each and every day to take deep breaths upon awakening and move out of the

skin of yesterday. I don't mean the far past...I am speaking of the more recent present. The one that makes you hurt so much more than you did before.  While you are in an emotional turmoil, those who think they can define others live in a world devoid of feelings.  The ends....your destruction and the loss of your sense of self, justify the means.

Sometimes we need to remind ourselves of who we are, our true self. We have to keep in touch with

that part of ourselves who really knows what we are about. We are each born with a positive

attitude about ourselves. Think about it. A baby is born into the world with no negativity about

who they are imposed upon them until what? Interactions with other humans. We learn the harsh

reality about self hatred, "playa haters" and rejection. We forget at this point that until our

interaction with the one person whose words cut first and deepest with their negative thoughts that

we forget we ever had a positive one in our lives. It's easy to forget your own path when someone

else's collides dead on with ours huh? That first negative reaction sets the stage for many of us who

will later struggle with issues of self esteem. Each consecutive action or reaction piles on top of the

first until we are filled with labels that are really lies.

This has been a wonderful time for me. I am connected with my center and well on a path of

wholistic living. I am fully aware of who I am each day I wake up and humble myself before my

ancestors and Olodumare. It is humbling to me to see others reach out to me, wanting to be in my

space, sit next to me, or hear what words I will say next. I remember back to the day when I neve

thought anyone would want to hear my voice, let alone a thought that came into my head. That was

the result of allowing others to program me instead of my remembering that I came here

programmed under my own steam.

The hour is quickly approaching when I will kneel before my ancestors to celebrate the life of my birth mother.  On the 18th, I will bow and remember the tragic day of her murder and how her allowing others and in particular, that one, to define her reality.  On the 19th I will celebrate her birth the day she choose to come into this world full of hope and promise and was left lost and turned out in a world that did not give a flying damn about her. 

I am reflective in this moment, as I remember how she could not let go of the labels others placed on her.  I remember how she imposed upon me, her own child her realilty about me out of her pain.

 

I work with so many woman who have been deeply hurt and that hurt is so ingrained in them they don't know any other emotion.  I will pray for each of you as I go before my own ancestors, that you will one day find your way out of your own cycle of pain, inflicted upon you by others in pain, who are so far gone, they dont' even feel it.

Take deep cleansing breaths and move on....it gets better from here.

Shedding skin or transforming is never easy. As a people, there is usually drama and trauma which results in our realizing that we need to change something that is not working for us. It should not be this way. We should be aware that we are ever-evolving and as the seasons change, so should we. I hate to see people who consult with me use their negatives to define themselves. I ask them to turn that negative situation into a positive one and use the event as a lesson plan for going within...:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

 

I've found that many of us don't like to go within because inside is where the hurt is stored. But we have to face what we don't want to in order to bring turn the pain into a positive force. The universe is filled with balances. When we see anything in chaos, including our lives, there is usually a reason for the imbalance. But the answers are always inside. We may try external ways to sooth the pain, but they are always temporary fixes. In order for us to transform and get through those in the moment times, we have to work on the real issue...what caused the pain.

 

Alcohol, drugs, food, and any other thing used to excess, including religion are all external means we use to soothe or temporarily fix an internal problem. No matter what you believe, behind every physical manifestation of an issue is an underlying spiritual problem. The issue is normally an imbalance...too much or too little of what the soul really needs. In order to restore the balance, we have to face what is..the state of our life in the moment.

 

What are you running from in the moment? What is troubling you in the moment? If you are experiencing problems, let's take this further. How are you getting through in this moment?

 

 That is what counts.

 

Princess Adinasse

copyright 2006@Princess Adinasse, all rights reserved

We kill time: time buries us

 

~~~ Joaquim Maria Machado De Assis

During my recent period of retrospection, I learned that I have not given myself permission or time to re-light the fires within. I needed quiet time during this time of enormous stress. Sistahs, we all do and owe it to ourselves to see that we receive our time of rejuvenation from life's excesses and stresses. Our soul needs restoring along with our bodies and minds. Tell me, who is more stressed than the black woman? I dare anyone to name a race of women who carry a larger load than we do.

I want to add something here, that was not in the original version.  The souls of survivors of chronic illnesses, such as cancer, abuse survivors and rape victims need restoration as well.  No matter what color you are, if you are going through it, then this applies to you as well.

Many of us walk through life like a robot. Some of us don't take time to stop and enjoy the beauty of life and die without ever having lived. I was almost in this place and now revel in living. You can too my Sistahs, if you learn that you are worth any time it takes to nurture yourself before you can nurture anyone else. Here are a few red flags that will tell you if you are in need of serious self-nurturing:

You feel as if there is more love in life than you have presently.

You have no energy to anything.

Your main source of "fun" is television or your computer.

You feel as if you are running on an empty tank.

You run around all the time.

Your car is your primary home.

You can't remember your dreams and goals.

You feel no inner peace.

You are unable to remember the last time you had quiet time.

Your soul cries out for more of ANYTHING.

You are the one who nurtures everyone else and can't do it for yourself.

You feel empty.

You feel disconnected from life

You have no control over the direction of your life

You have no joy in the future

Nothing seems worth the effort you expend.

You have no trust in anyone.

You have no confidence in yourself.

You have a poor self-image.

If you can pick at least two of the above, then you, my Sistah are in need of emergency self nurturing. It is not good to have nothing to look forward to. There is a definite imbalance when we constantly allow others to feed off our energy without reciprocation. You deserve to feel something besides "tired" or "fed up". You deserve to be loved and nurtured and stop walking through life hoping things will change. You have to be the driving force to your own healing. To affect change, there must be an awareness that it is needed. Once the awareness is there, it is then time to do tha thang! Ain't nobody gonna nurture you like you will Sistahs!

As a Yoruba Priestess, I encounter many who have a negative connotation of the word "ritual". I hope to change that. To me, many rituals are life affirming and the majority are actually activities of daily living. We get up, take care of our hygiene, and so forth. Those are rituals. They are the rites you perform on a regular basis.

I particularly like the following ritual for nurturing:

Items needed:

Blue food coloring or bluing

Sea foam bubble bath

Blue and white candles

Sea salt or regular in a pinch

Your favorite soothing music

Or Tape of Ocean waves

Coconut incense or

Lavender incense or aromatherapy

White headwrap/gelee

White bed clothing

Your favorite herbal tea or contact me for a recipe for mixing your own

Comfort food

White carnations divided into two bunches

Or white roses

Shea butter or coconut oil

Timer set for 30 minutes

First, commit to at least 30 minutes of nurturing yourself. These means a quiet house or just lock yourself in the bathroom and use earplugs! Treat yourself to using the "good" dishes for your tea and snack. Get out the good napkins and the best nighties you have been saving for a "special" night. This IS a special night.

Bring all the items into the bathroom with you. Set them up nicely. If you are into altars, use a blue cloth to set your items on, add sea shells if you have them and use crystal glasses if you have chosen to relax with a glass of wine or even juice. You are your own "guest".

Put ¾ of the carnations in your most beautiful vase and take into bathroom. Light the candles and incense. Turn on the music and take deep, cleansing breaths. It will be ok.

Take a shower with whatever soap you use to wash away the stress of the day first. Wipe out tub, then run bath water using 1 cup of the salt, only enough food coloring or bluing to make the water an Ocean blue, the sea foam bath bubbles and the rest of the flowers. You can add a bit of baby oil to nurture your skin while you soak. I have a portable bath spa, which relaxes my tired muscles. They are very inexpensive. Try it if you can.

Ease your tired body and soul into the bath and soak. Meditate or pray on what you want for yourself. Pray away your cares. Ask God or if you are Yoruba, invoke Yemoja, the Great Mother to nurture you. Imagine yourself on a beautiful beach at sunset. Drink the tea from the tub and slowly eat whatever comfort foods you have chosen. Relish the flavor of it all. Breathe in deep the calming effects of the coconut or lavender. Relax.

When you are ready, use the flowers in the tub to caress your body, praying for the sweetness to come into your life. Be sure to clean what is called your third eye, back of your neck and solar plexus. Cleanse your ears from all the negative things you have heard and massage your temples gently. Relax, it's ok. Allow the cares of the world to flow into the beautiful ocean water. Slow down your breathing.

If you meditate, when self-defeating thoughts come to mind, blow them into a blue balloon and allow them to float away. Call life-affirming thoughts to you in a white balloon to burst over your crown charka.

Yoruba devotees:

Prayer to Esu:

Eshu, the Divine Messenger

Please open the way for my nurturing.

Eshu, please close the way for negative thoughts to enter my mind

Open the way for only those thoughts that are life affirming,

Ashe

Prayer to Yemoja:

Yemoja! Great Mother of all things.

The Giver of life!

Water sustains and nurtures all living things

Gift from Olodumare,

Yemoja, I call upon you to nurture me

As you nurture the fish in the sea.

Yemoja, I call upon you to nurture me

As you nurture the earth with your refreshing waters

Yemoja, I call upon you to nurture me as you nurture

Those who fish in your waters with your benevolence.

Great Mother! Giver of Good things!

Help me to see that I am worth nurturing and

That I am a good and blessed person upon the face of the earth.

Ashe

Once you are ready, get out of the tub. Dry off with one of your best towels. Oil your skin with the shea butter or coconut oil. Glory in the beauty of your moisturized skin. Make sure you put plenty on your feet and wrap in saran wrap for another 30 minutes, even if you have work to do. This will keep in the moisture. If you have time, give yourself a pedicure.

Relax. Deep breaths Sistahs.

Get dressed, take the flowers, incense or aromatherapy from the bath and move to your bedroom or place you will relax and can enjoy them. Curl up on the couch or in bed with your drink and include water. Allow yourself to love yourself and hug YOU. If you wish, you can make a list of those thoughts and feelings that come to mind.

Close with a prayer of thanksgiving for your life.

Feel free to contact me if you need further information.

Princess Adinasse

Greetings my Sistahs!

I pray that you will find a place of healing and comfort here.  I pray you also find the road to your best life!  Feel free to speak up and tell us what is on your mind. Add your thoughts and feelings here. I am attempting to create a community of US. We will soon have on line a Cyber Crisis line, where you can come and lay down your burdens when those "in the moment" times seems overwhelming. In the

meantime here is something I want you to think about the following:

We have to consciously study how to be tender with each other until it

becomes a habit because it what was native has been stolen from us, the

love of Black women for each other. But we can practice being gentle

with each other by being gentle with that piece of ourselves that is

hardest to hold, by giving more to the brave bruised girl child within

each of us, by expecting a little less from her gargantuan efforts to

excel. We can love her in the light as well as in the darkness, quiet

her frenzy toward perfection and encourage her attentions toward

fulfillment . . . As we arm ourselves and each other, we can stand toe to

toe inside that rigorous loving and begin to speak the impossible-to one

another. The first step toward genuine change. Eventually, if we speak

the truth to each other, it will become unavoidable to

ourselves.~~~~~~Audre Lorde "Eye to Eye,"

Sisters, black women should learn to love not only themselves, but other black women as well. We are Sisters who share a common bond, our blood. We are family.

The breaking process of the African woman, or any woman for that matter,  has us at each other's throats, unaware of who we are. Sister is pitted against sister and not many of us promote true sisterhood in the ways of old. One reason is that we just don't know who we are, and we are unaware of how to form Sister relationships and maintain them.

In order to understand your Sister, you must first understand yourself. As Audre Lorde says, we must be "gentle with that piece of ourselves that is hardest to hold". We can love our sisters, encourage our sisters, be there for our sisters and be loyal to our sisters. Those of us who cannot maintain healthy sister relationships most often have issues in other areas of their lives with relationships.

Now I'm not talking about falling out with a seasonal sister, who only came into your life for a reason or a season, or to teach you a lesson. Often drama and trauma has us realizing this sister does not love herself, so she can't possibly love you, or anyone else in a deep way.

The first step toward genuine change, in my reality is realizing that if you can't change the people around you, then you must change the people around you. Evict those that you are wrongly renting head space to, and cut off those who don't serve your best interests. It takes time to get to know yourself, much less a sister that you would trust with your life. But our healing must begin somewhere.

Reconciling with that part of you who has been bruised, misused and abused. Do not think that if someone in your space, one who wants to be your sister friend, who has not confronted her own personal demons can be changed.

A true Sister will be on her own path of healing and embrace the part of you who has been bruised and understand your pain because it is her own pain. We have to constantly be aware of the feelings of our sisters and be able to speak truth to power to her. She has to be able to do the same with you. But a sistah who has not, or refuses to confront her own past will not serve you well as a Sistah if you are trying to find yourself.

Learn to love the little girl within. See the little girl within your sister friends. Be gentle with yourself and your sister. You will be rewarded with love and a lifelong friendship which transcends this life and moves on to the next.

Princess Adinasse

copyright 2006@Princess Adinasse, all rights reserved

Our Identity Crisis

"If you don't know who you are, anyone can name you; and if anyone can name you, you will answer to anything" African Proverb

Many of our people have no earthly clue who they are, and what they are. I find this issue very disconcerting coming from a people who descend from greatness, not to mention, one of the oldest cultures known to mankind.

Some of our women are content to be referred to as "my baby momma," "bitch" and other derogatory terms of today.

We have no problem with calling each other "nigger," validating for those who oppressed us that we are as they say we are.

In cases where there is abuse, children and their mothers will answer to anything the abuser calls them, no matter how bad and degrading to stay safe. This causes injuries to the psyche when nothing positive is there to balance out the negative.

In the Western Orisa, African Spiritualist community, where I have been an initiated Priestess almost 15 years, the identity crisis is evident there as well. Female initiates of Ifa (which I am) are not happy unless they are called "Iyanifa" and feel as if they are equal to male initiates of Ifa, the Babalawo. Iyanifa is a conferred title, which is not common at home, and given to outstanding servants of Ifa who has devoted their lives to Orunmila. You may meet one of these women and never know who they are.

We have other Sistahs so out of touch with reality, they name themselves "goddesses."

What's wrong with us? Do you know who you are? Are you willing to put in the work and time it takes to go within to find your true self? But again I ask, who are you?

Each of us, through either drama or trauma must confront who they are and go within to find their true selves. The search for our identity can be difficult as many of us face unpleasant truths and many more lies about ourselves, and realize labels have been imposed upon us without our permission and have controlled our lives, our souls, the very essence of whom we are.

If you don't like who you are, to the degree that you allow others to define you or create an identity that is not the real you, you are not living your best life . . . you are living the life of someone else. If this is happening, you have to confront you. Your past and present circumstances must be carefully examined with a licensed professional. There is no shame in your game to seek help to live your best life. What no longer serves you, or those things you are wrongly renting head space to must go in order for you to heal.

To say to yourself and others that you are a "mind with a body," a "spiritual being," "a part of the great I AM," you are indeed facing an identity crisis and your soul is in need of emergency intervention because you are unaware of your true self. Your soul cries out for the you that decided to come here.  Go deep within to find you and work on you.

Know that with the help of our Creator, all things are possible, even finding the you He created.

Ase

Princess Adinasse

copyright 2006@Princess Adinasse, all rights reserved

To begin on the path, we have to acess the state of our minds and soul.  How will you know you need to change if you don't take stock of you?  You need to do YOU.

 

You are in serious need of a "nurturing retreat" if you can say yes to at least two of the followingYou have no energy to anything. ..:NAMESPACE PREFIX = O />

 

Your main source of "fun" is television or your computer.

 

You feel as if you are running on an empty tank.

 

You run around all the time.

 

Your car is your primary home.

 

You can't remember your dreams and goals.

 

You feel no inner peace.

 

You are unable to remember the last time you had quiet time.

 

Your soul cries out for more of ANYTHING.

 

You are the one who nurtures everyone else and can't do it for yourself.

 

You feel empty.

 

You feel disconnected from life

 

You have no control over the direction of your life

 

You have no joy in the future

 

Nothing seems worth the effort you expend.

 

You have no trust in anyone.

 

You have no confidence in yourself.

 

You have a poor self-image.

If you can pick at least two of the above, then you, my Sistah are in need of emergency self nurturing. It is not good to have nothing to look forward to. There is a definite imbalance when we constantly allow others to feed off our energy without reciprocation. You deserve to feel something besides "tired" or "fed up". You deserve to be loved and nurtured and stop walking through life hoping things will change. You have to be the driving force to your own healing. To affect change, there must be an awareness that it is needed. Once the awareness is there, it is then time to do tha thang! Ain't nobody gonna nurture you like you will Sistahs!

As a Yoruba Priestess, I encounter many who have a negative connotation of the word "ritual". I hope to change that. To me, many rituals are life affirming and the majority are actually activities of daily living. We get up, take care of our hygiene, and so forth. Those are rituals. They are the rites you perform on a regular basis.

As a Yoruba Priestess, I encounter many who have a negative connotation of the word "ritual". I hope to change that. To me, many rituals are life affirming and the majority are actually activities of daily living. We get up, take care of our hygiene, and so forth. Those are rituals. They are the rites you perform on a regular basis.

I particularly like the following ritual for nurturing:

Items needed:

Blue food coloring or bluing

Sea foam bubble bath

Blue and white candles

Sea salt or regular in a pinch

Your favorite soothing music

Or Tape of Ocean waves

Coconut incense or

Lavender incense or aromatherapy

White headwrap/gelee

White bed clothing

Your favorite herbal tea or contact me for a recipe for mixing your own

Comfort food

White carnations divided into two bunches

Or white roses

Shea butter or coconut oil

Timer set for 30 minutes

First, commit to at least 30 minutes of nurturing yourself. These means a quiet house or just lock yourself in the bathroom and use earplugs! Treat yourself to using the "good" dishes for your tea and snack. Get out the good napkins and the best nighties you have been saving for a "special" night. This IS a special night.

Bring all the items into the bathroom with you. Set them up nicely. If you are into altars, use a blue cloth to set your items on, add sea shells if you have them and use crystal glasses if you have chosen to relax with a glass of wine or even juice. You are your own "guest".

Put ¾ of the carnations in your most beautiful vase and take into bathroom. Light the candles and incense. Turn on the music and take deep, cleansing breaths. It will be ok.

Take a shower with whatever soap you use to wash away the stress of the day first. Wipe out tub, then run bath water using 1 cup of the salt, only enough food coloring or bluing to make the water an Ocean blue, the sea foam bath bubbles and the rest of the flowers. You can add a bit of baby oil to nurture your skin while you soak. I have a portable bath spa, which relaxes my tired muscles. They are very inexpensive. Try it if you can.

Ease your tired body and soul into the bath and soak. Meditate or pray on what you want for yourself. Pray away your cares. Ask God or if you are Yoruba, invoke Yemoja, the Great Mother to nurture you. Imagine yourself on a beautiful beach at sunset. Drink the tea from the tub and slowly eat whatever comfort foods you have chosen. Relish the flavor of it all. Breathe in deep the calming effects of the coconut or lavender. Relax.

When you are ready, use the flowers in the tub to caress your body, praying for the sweetness to come into your life. Be sure to clean what is called your third eye, back of your neck and solar plexus. Cleanse your ears from all the negative things you have heard and massage your temples gently. Relax, it's ok. Allow the cares of the world to flow into the beautiful ocean water. Slow down your breathing.

If you meditate, when self-defeating thoughts come to mind, blow them into a blue balloon and allow them to float away. Call life-affirming thoughts to you in a white balloon to burst over your crown charka.

Yoruba devotees:

Prayer to Esu:

Eshu, the Divine Messenger

Please open the way for my nurturing.

Eshu, please close the way for negative thoughts to enter my mind

Open the way for only those thoughts that are life affirming,

Ashe

Prayer to Yemoja:

Yemoja! Great Mother of all things.

The Giver of life!

Water sustains and nurtures all living things

Gift from Olodumare,

Yemoja, I call upon you to nurture me

As you nurture the fish in the sea.

Yemoja, I call upon you to nurture me

As you nurture the earth with your refreshing waters

Yemoja, I call upon you to nurture me as you nurture

Those who fish in your waters with your benevolence.

Great Mother! Giver of Good things!

Help me to see that I am worth nurturing and

That I am a good and blessed person upon the face of the earth.

Ashe

Once you are ready, get out of the tub. Dry off with one of your best towels. Oil your skin with the shea butter or coconut oil. Glory in the beauty of your moisturized skin. Make sure you put plenty on your feet and wrap in saran wrap for another 30 minutes, even if you have work to do. This will keep in the moisture. If you have time, give yourself a pedicure.

Relax. Deep breaths Sistahs.

Get dressed, take the flowers, incense or aromatherapy from the bath and move to your bedroom or place you will relax and can enjoy them. Curl up on the couch or in bed with your drink and include water. Allow yourself to love yourself and hug YOU. If you wish, you can make a list of those thoughts and feelings that come to mind.

Close with a prayer of thanksgiving for your life.

Feel free to contact me if you need further information.

I am putting together a new My Space site called, Take Deep Breaths and move on into your best life.  www.myspace.com/living_my_best_life,  which will kick off what I like to call "the year of the healthy black woman". I will take us step by step into looking within, nurturing ourselves, beauty tips, life affirming statements, dietary issues and other things, combined with Yoruba Spirituality.

I've talked to so many who believe they are supposed to be superhuman and bear up under all things. When they don't, they all too readily look for the fault within themselves."

~~~~ Gloria Naylor

I had to grow up at the age of three. A horrible thing happened to me and changed life forever for me at that time, but I didn't know it.

By the time I was five, I was raising three children, my siblings, with one more to come. It was as if my mother birthed them and handed them over to me to raise, although in hindsight I don't think she realized what she was doing. That was my first bout with "enabling".

By the time I was 12, I had a special work permit that allowed me to work and go to school at the same time. Someone had to work to make sure that there was food during the entire month and clothing for my sisters and brothers. During this early morning job in our school breakfast program, I met the man who would 11 years later become my husband and one day the father of our child. He was 14 years old at the time and trying to be superman himself, although I don't think he realized it.

I reflect on my early years because those years formulated the woman I am today. In my journey as a black woman into healing from abuse, I am reminded that I didn't get to my awareness that all that was going on in my life was not normal. And I need to continue to remind myself that the "fix" is not going to come overnight either.

There are so many things that I wished I could have done differently, but survival was the key. I am a survivor. Many of us who are survivors believe that we are all things to everyone in our lives, but we don't place a value on what we mean TO ourselves. We take on responsibility after responsibility to relieve others of THEIR responsibility and when the walls come tumbling down, we think it is somehow OUR fault. We have been conditioned to believe that everything BAD that happens in our world is our FAULT. The blame lies with no one else because no one else will accept their own blame. For our abusers and oppressors to accept blame would mean they would have to face their own crap. It is easier to allow us to bear the burden.

Now that we have some idea of how we got to be "superwoman" without the magic powers, how can we stop the cycle? How can we begin to realize that we as black women are not machines? How can we understand that we cannot bear up under everthing that happens and be like the stepford wives with no feelings? When will we learn that everything is not our fault and that inside, deep in our soul, where nobody gets to go but US, that we are worthy of much more than all of this insanity!

This morning, I am taking a vow that when things go wrong, like acid rain, brown haze, wars and rumors of wars are not of my making. No matter how much it was drilled into me, I am going, just for today, realize that bad things are not caused by me and that I should not internalize other's feelings. I will acknowledge my own feelings of being a blessed person upon the face of this planet and no one can take that away from me in this moment.

In this moment, I will realize that I have made wonderful contributions in the lives of those around me. No matter what my ex-husband says, I was a good wife, or he would not have been able to be a drunk and retire from the military with 20 years! Were it not for my "enabling", he would have been a drunk azz, no military retirement fewl.

In this moment I will realize that I helped to raise not only my mother's children, but those of my foster mother and some of the good in their lives can be attributed to me. When I look into the faces of my nieces and nephews I will see my own goodness.

In this moment, I will realize that I was an excellent mother to my son. I am an excellent mother now. I mothered all his friends whose mothers had abdicated their responsibility and I thought it was up to me to pick it up. Even if he is 20 and doesn't have a damn clue, I pulled him along by the skin of my teeth for I was falling apart and kept it all together for him.

In this moment, I will think it is ok for things to fall apart and be ok with it.

For in this moment, I have life, and where there is life, there is hope that one day my healing will be complete.

Black women! The white women are not the only ones who deserve to heal! We do too! We just don't have black Dr. Phil's! What is good enough for them, is sho nuff good enough for me and that is feeling good about ME!

Be blessed