9/5

It happens to other people, but not to me.

Wednesday I found out I have rectal cancer. Just got back from a cat scan & chest xray to see what stage I'm at and I'm very gassy and shitty (literally!). Don't wait till you're 52 to have a colonoscopy! Actually I heard they've lowered the age to 40..

So... course of action is chemo, radiation, then surgery. I get an infusaport next thursday.

I was STUNNED. Shocked. I drove around aimlessly for an hour or so... Life can change SO fast. On the humorous side, I went & got a cheeseburger from McD's. Something I NEVER do.

I knew there was something going on, but I was hoping it was a hemorrhoid..

So now that I am more stable, .... what? treatment. A serious assessment of my life especially the part where I don't do my art enough, or follow my dreams. Gotta walk the talk.

Being an artist, the best gift I can receive from this is to make art from my journey and share it.

That's all I have to say right now... except if I lose my hair I'm gonna henna my head and henna a radioactive symbol on my forehead (my son's idea). Gotta keep the humor coming!!!

9/6
I have been doing a lot of research... now I'm not so sure I'll go the chemo/ radiation/surgery route... how scary! And just how is one supposed to fare well with MAJOR surgery after being seriously weakened with radiation & chemo first, followed by another round of chemo??? What I've been reading about chemo etc is just crazy. Maybe the operative word is WAIT.

9/8

so today I went to a traditional reiki healer who says that there is certainly a disturbance in my energy field in that area.  This moment I am putting my trust in this energy healing. It felt great, and I had a crystalization of the changes I now make in my life. It just makes so much more sense than waging a war on my body a la western model. It is so much more in tune with my sense of what we are actually made of, which is Consciousness and Light.

Sept 20

So I have moved ( one of the life changes I neded to make) and have gotten my internet going again...

Just a quick one today... aside from some really radical dietary changes I'm making....and detox..... and that I am experiencing an improvement in symptoms...

I read a book a long time ago called "Illness as a Metaphor".. including the 'war on cancer'. First of all, I would support anyone's decision to go the conventional route. People need to do what feels best for them.

  ...that being said, for ME, it doesn't escape me that the conventional treatment is a metaphor for how our patriarchal society operates in solving everything from international tension to masking un-wellness with pharmacology to almost (and more than occasionally)killing people with conventional 'war on cancer' ; that is, attacking the symptoms and not addressing the underlying conditions- that's where the real healing (and prevention!) takes place.

Also, twice so far in my research I have come across Louis Pasteur's words very late in life: "I was wrong. I'ts not the germs. The inner terrain is everything."

 with blessings, Maryann

Sept 27

This morning, I sat & meditated and prayed for support from enlightened beings to be strong in my resolve to stay awake and be on the right path, to not succumb to ego stuff.
I also prayed for all those who suffer, and I wept for them. I prayed to be forgiving and to let go of any malice I may still hold, and for my heart to open. I prayed to let those sickening energies leave my body. I vowed to embody what it is I am here for... to do the good work.
I opened the Dhammapada and first words read:
"We are what we think.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts we  make the world."
Now I have to tell you that the message I received (I receive words rather than images from the woods) when I took my walk the other day was: " You are free if you want to be. Free of disease, free to say no, or yes. You are only limited by the thoughts you have."
Yesterday I think I was detoxing in a manner that included a thought pattern energy condensed in me ... I felt irritable and slightly negative, I got my bill total(minus the radiologists readings for the CAT scan..), totals more than $6,000. Just for tests. I went & got on a reasonable monthly payment plan @ the hospital.. but I started in futzing about finances, when my higher self interjected & said, "That's no way to think! You are NOT defined by money!! You are investing in your health. And it only appears that way in the linear world. In the energetic world, you are glorious and so wealthy. The Universe will support the Good Work." How about THAT?
and
I really feel that a raw diet is right for me. That includes miso & lots of seaweed. I asked the higher powers about that & got an affirmation, along with in the future when I recover, I may add small amounts of raw goat milk products. But no eggs or meat. I have an appt with my doc in a few weeks and we'll go from there.

Love, MA

Oct 11

Soooooo... the road is mostly smooth right now, adjusting to new eating, reiki, supplement, meditation, prayer routines... My energy is better (I realize now how much I was depending on caffeine to get thru the day, and now drink maybe one cup of green tea a day.), the symptoms are less..., my spirits are good...I have been receiving images from Reiki sessions and from dreams (sometimes amazing, sometimes scary) that I am making sketches from.. they will become paintings over the winter. I still ponder the whole mortality thing, once only a vague concept and now a possible outcome of this journey....and an eventual one anyway...I admit that I wonder. AM I getting 'better'? The woods say in a sing-song voice:"If you WANT to....." I havn't had a follow-up CAT yet... I see the MD I'm working with in a couple of weeks.

But enough about the mortal ME.

Something like this (ideally) makes one stop and ponder ... about one's life and priorities.. about one's purpose, about the precious short time we ALL have; even 100 years is short. And who we really are. we are ALL our relations. We are Stardust, as Carl Sagan once said...

enough for now..., Maryann

NOVEMBER SKIES they are the most beautifully sublime...

I cut & pasted an update here I sent to my family group website this am.. Many did'nt know I was doing alternative, so please bear with me if you've heard some of it before..

Greeting everyone,
Thank you all who have emailed or sent cards. My apologies if I havn't
gotten back to you all.. I appreciate all your prayers and kind
thoughts, and I send all of you the same, and pray for your good
health & well-being.

Amy & Ralph, woo hoo!! Dad, I'm glad! Hi to everyone!

So I decided it was time to update how I'm doing.

I am doing pretty well. I decided, after extensive research, to go an
alternative route with my treatment, mostly with therapeutic doses of
various supplements, including some that greatly boost killer cell
production, and liver detoxification and regeneration. I am under an
MD's care who is primarily a nutritionist and a chemist. There has
been a lot of (understated by the medical industry) success with
alternative therapies. It is working for me. I am feeling much better
and symptoms have been reduced. I will go for regular testing to
monitor progress, and am awaiting blood test results. CAT scan soon. I
have drastically changed my diet and have been looking at some core
issues I havn't resolved... like resentments, passivity,
forgiveness... basically a huge letting go and simultaneous
empowerment. I believe there are more factors with disease than
genetics and toxins, which may predispose us - our mental, emotional
and spiritual lives have a lot to do with it also, as does our
conscious AND subconscious will to be well or ill.
My advice for EVERYONE is to eliminate toxins from and greatly nurture
one's environment, body, emotions, mind and spirit for health &
well-being!

Love to all, Maryann

ps, sent to me by my chiropractor... general consensus about cancer &
treatment as seen by the alternative treatment side..
If anyone is interested in more alternative info, I can send you some
links..


1. Every person has cancer cells in the body. These cancer cells do
not show up in the standard tests until they have multiplied to a few
billion. When doctors tell cancer patients that there are no more
cancer cells in their bodies after treatment, it just means the tests
are unable to detect the cancer cells because they have not reached
the detectable size.


2. This accumulation of cancer cells occur between 6 to more than 10
times in a person's lifetime.


3. When the person's immune system is strong, the cancer cells will be
destroyed and prevented from further multiplying and forming tumors.


4. When a person has cancer, it indicates the person has multiple
nutritional deficiencies and a weakened immune system. These could be
due to genetic, environmental, food and lifestyle factors.


5. To overcome the multiple nutritional deficiencies, changing diet
and including supplements will strengthen the immune system.


6. Chemotherapy involves poisoning the rapidly-growing cancer cells
and also destroys rapidly-growing healthy cells in the bone marrow,
gastro-intestinal tract etc, and can cause organ damage, like liver,
kidneys, heart, lungs etc.


7. Radiation, while destroying cancer cells, also burns, scars and
damages healthy cells, tissues and organs.


8. Initial treatment with chemotherapy and radiation will often reduce
tumor size. However, prolonged use of chemotherapy and radiation do
not result in more tumor destruction.


9. When the body has too much toxic burden from chemotherapy and
radiation the immune system is either compromised or destroyed, hence
the person can succumb to various kinds of infections and complications.


10. Chemotherapy and radiation can cause cancer cells to mutate and
become resistant and difficult to destroy. Surgery can also cause
cancer cells to spread to other sites.


11 . An effective way to battle cancer is to starve the cancer cells
by not feeding it with the foods it needs to multiply.


CANCER CELLS FEED ON:


a. Sugar is a cancer-feeder. Normal cells primarily use oxygen as the
main fuel. Being anaerobic (no oxygen) cells, cancer feeds by
glycolysis- using sugar fermentation as fuel, with lactic acid as a
byproduct. By cutting off sugar, it cuts off one important food supply
to the cancer cells. Sugar substitutes like NutraSweet, Equal,
Spoonful, etc. are made with Aspartame and it is harmful. A better
natural substitute would be Stevia. Generally it it wise to greatly
limit carbohydrates, choosing complex carbs and choosing foods with a
low glycemic index. Table salt has a toxic chemical added to make it
white in color. Better alternative is Bragg's aminos, tamari, shoyu or
celtic sea salt.
(Sugar feeds any infection, including bladder, yeast, etc and it is
advisable to eliminate it from the diet in general, not just for cancer.)

b. Milk causes the body to produce mucus, especially in the
gastro-intestinal tract. Cancer feeds on mucus.
By cutting off milk and substituting with unsweetened soya milk,
cancer cells are being starved. Many seeds, nuts and dark greens have
the needed calcium, and are more bioavailable sources than dairy.
Where do cows get their calcium, after all?


c. Cancer cells both create and thrive in an acid environment. A
meat-based diet is acidic and it is best to eat limited amounts of
fish, and a little organic chicken rather than beef or pork. Non
organic meat also contains livestock antibiotics, growth hormones and
parasites, which are all harmful, especially to people with cancer.
Beans and grains are also acid forming, so need to be eaten in small
amounts, with lots of alkalizing vegetables.


d. A diet made of 80% fresh vegetables and juice, whole grains, seeds,
nuts and a little fruit (low glycemic) help put the body into an
alkaline environment.
About 20% can be from cooked food including beans. Fresh vegetable
juices provide live enzymes that are easily absorbed and reach down to
cellular levels within 15 minutes to nourish and enhance growth of
healthy cells. To obtain live enzymes for building healthy cells try
to drink fresh vegetable juice (most vegetables including bean
sprouts) and eat some raw vegetables 2 or 3 times a day. Enzymes are
destroyed at temperatures of 104 degrees F (40 degrees C).


e. Avoid coffee, tea, and chocolate, which have high caffeine. Green
tea is a better alternative and has cancer-fighting properties.
Water-best to drink purified water, or filtered, to avoid known toxins
and heavy metals in tap water. Distilled water is acidic, avoid it.
Test your tap water, even your bottled water for pH with test strips.
Add some fresh squeezed lemon or lime if it tests acid.

f. Cancer hates Fiber!! Add it. Avoid constipation at all costs. Some
of the toxins that the body is trying to eliminate bind to the fiber
in the intestines and need to be eliminated quickly, or the body will
reabsorb the toxins. A whole foods diet is a good start. Eliminate ALL
refined, white and processed foods from the diet. Yerba Prima makes
some good fiber blends. Aloe vera juice or gel (organic, by Lily of
the Desert) helps, and is a very good, soothing supplement for many
reasons. Use laxatives sparingly as they irritate the colon and are
habit-forming. "Smooth Move" tea is a good, natural laxative if
needed, but it can cause cramping.


12. Meat protein is difficult to digest and requires many digestive
enzymes. Undigested meat remaining in the intestines becomes putrefied
and leads to more toxic buildup. An excellent, complete protein grain
is quinoa.


13. Cancer cell walls have a tough protein covering. By refraining
from or eating less meat it frees more enzymes to attack the protein
walls of cancer cells and allows the body's killer cells to destroy
the cancer cells. Athena Raphael has been using and promoting a
systemic, protein-digesting enzyme since 2003 that is able to
penetrate this protein covering thus exposing the cancer to be
attacked by your immune system. (I use this.. it's called Wobenzyme..
it has an enteric coating so it goes directly to the small intestine
to do its attack. I take it am & pm on an empty stomach so it doesn't
digest eaten proteins. Many people in Europe use this year-round as a
cancer preventive. - Maryann)


14. Some supplements build up the immune system (IP6, Florssence,
Essiac, anti-oxidants, vitamins, minerals, EFAs, AHCC, Avemar, Pure
Synergy etc.) to enable the body's own killer cells to destroy cancer
cells. Other supplements like vitamin E are known to cause apoptosis,
or programmed cell death (cancer cells have by-passed this), the
body's normal method of disposing of damaged, unwanted, or unneeded
cells. Other nutrients cut off the ability of cancer cells to build
the blood supply vessels they need (normal cells have an internal
vascular system). Conversely, some 'nutrients', like tryptophan, B-6,
etc are limited in an anti cancer diet because they provide the raw
ingredients for cancer cells to build vessels, etc.


15. Cancer is a disease of the mind, body, and spirit. A proactive and
positive spirit will help the cancer warrior be a survivor. Anger,
unforgiveness and bitterness put the body into a stressful and acidic
environment. Learn to have a loving and forgiving spirit. Learn to
relax and enjoy life.


16. Being anaerobic, cancer cells cannot thrive in an oxygenated
environment. Exercising daily and deep breathing help to get

more oxygen down to the cellular level. Oxygen therapy is another
means employed to destroy cancer cells.


1. No plastic containers in micro. Best to avoid micro anyway.

2. No water bottles in freezer.
3. No plastic wrap in microwave.







Dioxin chemicals cause cancer, especially breast cancer. Dioxins are
highly poisonous to the cells of our bodies. Do not freeze your
plastic bottles with water in them as this releases dioxins from the
plastic.


We should not be heating our food in the microwave using plastic
containers. This especially applies to foods that contain fat.


The combination of fat, high heat, and plastics releases dioxin into
the food and ultimately into the cells of the body.

Use glass, such as Corning Ware, Pyrex or ceramic containers for
heating food.

You get the same results, only without the dioxin. Therefore, such
things as TV dinners, instant ramen and soups, etc.,should be removed
from the container and heated in something else.

Paper is not bad but you do not know what is in the paper. It is just
safer to use tempered glass, Corning Ware, etc. A while ago some of
the fast food restaurants moved away from the foam containers to
paper. The dioxin problem is one of the reasons. Plastic wrap, such as
Saran, is just as dangerous when placed over foods to be cooked in the
microwave. As the food is nuked, the high heat causes poisonous toxins
to actually melt out of the plastic wrap and drip into the food. Cover
food with a paper towel instead.


This article should be sent to anyone important in your life.

July 14

So this is my report on my time at Omega Institute in the Visionary Art Intensive with Alex and Allyson Grey. It has been ..... I'm wordless... probably because I am sleep-deprived. I'll just say that for me, it will profoundly impact my art and life. I had been looking for a container for the need to use my art as service, and I have found it, and much more.

It will take a few days, I think, to become solid again, I have been so opened up. Especially the third eye.... Yes, Virginia, there really is a third eye.

Well that's all for now.. I really need to sleep. Details coming... Stay tuned..

July 18 ......excerpts from my journal during the intensive and shortly after....

7/8- ..listening to a wood thrush.. the tweedle-dee bird..o how I love that song!

7/9-  someone playing a flute nearby..thunder in the distance..food's been good..the workshop is great..visionary exercises, drawing/painting, visionary art history slide show, Alex has a great sense of humor! It's fun, just painting, no agenda, nice people- about 80 participants. Took a yoga class @ 7am, helped to stretch out before sitting all day.

7/10- Quickly before the battery in the flashlight goes- drumming! Dancing! Yoga! swimming, crazy painting! it's after midnight!

7/11- am   Well.. I didn't get my act together early enough to get to yoga......so far this has been a great experience. So many cool people here -  such energy... Alex & Allyson meet with people individually, I havn't yet. Allyson gave a talk yesterday entitled, 'get your shit together' - Basically paint paint paint & get it out there! O- Caleb- website up for him.. piks of  him and the surfboard prayer circle for him.. it really touched me & I've been so worried about him. One of the piks I did yesterday was a healing one for him. There was drumming in the space where we paint last night, so lots of sweaty bodies undulating & stomping- I danced some, painted some.

7/11 pm about 10:30.. Heavy downpour this afternoon...figure drawing a la chakras.. I forgot how much I love life drawing! a dream of mating wasps now a painting... such a journey..a trip.. to be here! Very aware of ego stuff.. insecurities coming up.. body image..Hmmmm...Good slide show Alex put on about his life work.

7/12 late... 1am.. more ego stuff.. did a painting of the wounded ego party, may as well invite them into my awareness and embrace them. Couple figure drawing today showing relationship stories.. very cool. Delicious food again. Showed Alex my work, got some feedback, esp w/ the ego one.. he felt it was my strong point & to pursue inner work art.. Hmmmmm.. Made it to yoga this am but most likely NOT tomorrow!

This new blog humors my passion for collecting quotes.. now I can share them!

Currently re-reading Jack Kornfield's 'After the Ecstacy, the Laundry', so I'll start from there. Where there is an anonymous quote, it is because he quotes many spiritual teachers and protects their privacy.

A young monk asked the Master: "How can I ever get emancipated?"

The Master replied, "Who has ever put you in bondage?"

-Advaita Teachings

"Wherever you are, if you really want freedom, the universe will respond. It has to. You will be shown the way."

-Anonymous

"After I opened beyond any sense of myself, I could feel "my pain" change to "the pain", the pain of the world. I saw how the universe moves and the planet is on fire- that much pain- and yet it all could be held, and it didn't touch anything. It rested in the midst of an immense peace."

-Anonymous

from Sri Sri Ravi Shankar (not the musician) www.artofliving.org

I have to tell you all that Sri Sri is the funniest guru! He goes about with a squirt gun under his robes.. one time I saw him it was his birthday and someone presented him with a cake.. well he got this huge smile on his face, tore off pieces of the cake & threw them out into the audience.. he's so mischeivous! He is the embodiment of God as Fun. ..... another time I saw him dissolve into Light.

"LOVE IS NOT AN EMOTION; IT IS YOUR VERY BEING."

from his book, 'God Loves Fun'

"When you know that you have forgotten, that moment you have remembered."

"Your life is not your life, you see? Your life is an event in time which is infinite. Surrender has happened. When you know your life is insignificant in the span of time and space - when you know there are millions and millions of stars, the whole solar system....then what is one's life? When you see this, then surrender has happened. And when you know Somebody is really behind you, who loves you so dearly you can't even imagine, then your surrender has happened. Don't think, "I am somebody separate." When a cup of water knows, "I am in the ocean,", it gains strength. Belongingness happens. When there is belongingness, there is no fear. It cuts the root of fear."

"When we realize the futility of words, then we should know that our life has gone deeper. We have started living....Words are the root cause of worries. You can't have a worry without words, can you? Now, worry for ten minutes without using words. You cannot!......Life is very shallow if we base it on words. Anything that is profound, deep, meaningful, cannot be expressed in words.......with silence inside, you can hear the birds, the rhythm between their voices.. it is so perfect, so melodious...We don't have that much silence within us...that much patience, to enjoy the song of a bird. Go a little deeper and there is music within your own body. The divine music is happening in our own bodies."

 Subject: [Daily Sutra]  Expression of the Self  
  
 The entire universe is just an expression, projection, of the Being, of the
Self.  

 Subject: [Daily Sutra]  Move like a cloud 
  
 In the morning, when you walk, become aware of your infinite nature. 
 You are like the sky. You are infinity. And walk with that infinity 
 nature. Move through this world like a white cloud, unstained, 
 untouched. 

 Subject: [Daily Sutra]  Open your hands!  
  
 All that you are craving for, all that you are hanging on to, it comes to you
anyway, automatic. But you have to let go. You are holding your fist tight. Why
not open your hands? And you'll see the whole sky is in your hands.  

 Subject: [Daily Sutra]  Temporary Flow  
  
 When you see this whole flow of events as temporary, as nonexistent, then, even
when someone scolds at you, you smile.  

 Subject: [Daily Sutra]  Overshadowed?  
  
 You have just been overshadowed by the events in your mind---that is all that
has happened. A cloud has covered the sun. What can any cloud do to the sun? Can
it destroy it? Remember your nature. You are the only Soul, only Being.  

 Subject: [Daily Sutra]  Gaining and Dissolving 
 
This wanting to gain, "more, more," makes the "I," or the ego in you, more
strong. Love is the process of dissolving, of giving, of offering, of serving. 

Subject: [Daily Sutra] Strength is Wakefulness

The more you are loaded with desires, the poorer you are, the weaker
you are. Strength is wakefulness, and in wakefulness there is no
desire. Remember this.

Subject: [Daily Sutra]      Surrender and Freedom

  There is no freedom at all without surrender, and when I surrender I get
infinite freedom. The greater my surrender is, the greater my freedom,
that much the load is taken off of me.

Subject: [Daily Sutra]  Stuck to your Enemies  
  
 If you are against someone, you have no freedom from them. If you find fault in
someone, and your mind is set against them, know that you are stuck with them,
glued with them! Super glue!