Fellow countrymen and citywomen,

I can't believe it's true. 2009 has launched from God's groin and landed lapdown atop our very heads. Sure, it's a new year. But the mysterious swirl of the cosmos STILL mesmerizes and terrorizes our Earth-shackled forms.

But don't let it get you down!

Santa brought Nick some tasty new podcast recording equipment. Well, that and an American Girl Doll named Queen Quasimodo. And while Nick gave the scrunched-backed doll a No One Else Can Play With It policy, he is sharing the output of the newly gotten recording stuff.

So...Nick and Steve went to see the new horror flick The Unborn this Friday morning and recorded themselves jawing about it and other things. Like Steve's food and beard. This is not a full show - just a few minutes of gab. But it's well worth smearing on and around your ears. Spolier: They didn't dig the flick.

Check it out right here!

And look for more short podstuffs in 2009. Be excited, dear listeners.

Love,

The CHUD Show.

Dear Helens of Troy and Helens of Duffy,
 
There's no real good reason to envy the lost-in-spacers. Those folks twisted up in the galaxy's guts, separated from family and friends until their lonely, become-bony deaths, forever pinging around the stars in a rusted-out old tin can or even a state of the art, vigintillion dollar shuttle…packed with a limitless supply of food and this like gigantic built-in home theater. Well…maybe we could go for being stranded in that kind of mother ship, to be honest. No more Earth, sure. But plenty of robo-massages from the ship's three expert robot masseuses/chefs. And an onboard biosphere pregnant with all manner of fruits and veggies. And maybe like this totally hot co-astronaut. And one thing leads to another, some Tang gets spiked, and then two lonesome and confused souls are making it in zero Gs! Goddamn, now it sounds like the forever stranded have it GOOD. Fuck that – they have it GOOD+. Because, picture this, as they are groping each other through spacecloths, a signal is beamed aboard. And, holy shit, it's a new CHUD podcast – but from like 100 years ago because those crazy castaways are WAY OUT there, jammed down deep in the pockmarks of space...like they are floating in Olmos's face. And it takes a while for stuff to get out that way, you know?

And so the computer cues up the podcast, and the beautiful voices of Nick, Justin, and Steve begin playing over the incredible sound system those NASA nerds installed in the walls of the glorious spacecraft. And it's like the anti-Viagra, because the astronaut loses his hard, and the astrohaut just wants to get with Steve's voice. That's right, kids – The CHUD Show ruins sex for future astronauts! Deal with it.

It may be winter, but cast those cheapo earmuffs aside and prepare your mighty ears. You heard RIGHT! A new CHUD show has arrived, and it's even better than the following joke:

Q: What does S. E. Hinton say every winter?
A: Brrrr, it's really cold Outsiders.

Here's a quick taste of what you'll hear when you download this BEASTIE (it's a long one, folks):

- Nick RUINS the ending to Vantage Point. For the good off all mankind, really.
- Steve speaks of seeing the international VAMPIRE sensation Twilight, and then attempts to explain why he went to see said international VAMPIRE sensation Twilight.
- Steve spins some UNLOVE for the latest Star Trek redo trailer, Nick dishes The Punisher: War Zone (liked it with reservations), and Justin admits to seeing Hancock in theaters. LATELY.
- The gang engages in a heartbreaking discussion about actors who dare CHANGE their names.
- Nick MINI-ROASTS the legendary Joe Pilato.
- The boys talk about folks who just ain't needed in Hollywood any longer. BEGONE!
- Billy Joel IS discussed and some of his songs are sung.

Please, please download so your ears can be happy for the holidays. Get it from iTunes or click here for download instructions:

"I guess Louis Gossett was busy."

Lovin' you like no other,

The CHUD Show
 

Lazies and hentifans,

Howdy! Maybe you are deeply behind on putting your ears on the latest in CHUD Show poddings. Maybe not - maybe you're good and caught up. But we haven't written our MySpace blog for the two last transmissions...until now. So, pull up your pants and put down your parents! There are two recordings you may just want to ear-swim across.

The Oscars were announced today! Big whoop. The Golden Globes already happened. And the boys gathered in their favorite cigar & beer & Keno bar to watch the show and record their talking during it. It's a little bit of a ramble, and Justin didn't talk into the mic enough, but it's worth listening to if only for the part when Nick co-delivers Alec Baldwin's acceptance speech.

Download it from iTunes, or listen to it right here:

Hillary looks DUFF!

Also, Nick and Steve have started recording mini-podcast chunks throughout the week. Last week, they saw the eagerly awaited by no one Outlander. Both thought it dripped like sunken ships, but the recorded conversation is funnier than Barbet Schroeder's hips. Seriously. It's not available on iTunes, but you can feast your ears right here:

Caviezel looks DUFF!

Hope to have a new CHUD Show recorded and up for you soon, Super Fans!

Love,

The CHUD Show

Dear pioneers and bioengineers,

I think we are gosh darn lost. I mean, I KNOW we've seen this exact tree before. And this exact rock. And this exact autographed picture of Eric Roberts I taped to this exact rock last time we passed by it. Damn it. Night is falling on our pretty heads! What are we to do? A trip into the woods always seems like a fun way to kill an afternoon or an enemy. I absolutely love counting the trees and kicking up dirt and pebbles as I plunge deeper and deeper into the forest's greenstuffs. I love the sound the animals make as they hurry-scurry over fallen branches and discarded beer bottles and fast food wrappers and containers. I dig the wind blowing through my up and my down there hair. It's freeing! Except when you are stuck in the woods' leafy gutworks with no exit point in sight. It's getting cold too. This is the last time I do this in no shirt and no socks and wearing only these protective hard plastic leggings. If I wasn't so mind-numbingly scared of snake teeth and bramble scratches and poisons ivy, oak, and sumac, I'd do the whole thing in the buff. I do so envy the nudist adventurers (and the naked harvesters), you know? Dangling in the wilds.... I get teary-eyed just picturing it in my brain bedpan. But my leg attack fears keeps me from committing 100%. So, let's huddle-cuddle together and try and rock ourselves straight through the night 'til the breakadawn. I'm so sorry I brought you into death's lovely bosom. Here, put these headphones on. We'll listen to the new superlong CHUD show and drown out the worrying sounds of the wood. Like the bear screams and the wolf yelps and the predator giggles.

That's RIGHT! Nick, Justin and Steve are back and they have bottled up their gabbing and made it available for each and every one of your listening parts. Here's what you can expect to ear-digest once you begin the hearing process:

- Steve calls in from the Georgia State Fair! Hear his audible sadness as he bares witness to the Oak Ridge Boys' wrinkly rock 'n roll.
- Listen as the boys discuss Justin's cat Sammy and his feline party-pooping ways!
- The excellent and gooey French pregnancy horror flick Inside is jawed about and recommended!
- Kirk Cameron's new movie Fireproof is puzzled over and yelled towards!
- Justin somehow sticks up for Katherine Heigl.
- And Steve worries about the upcoming Star Trek reboot.
- Oh, and the guys discuss this obscure trilogy for about three hours.

That's right! This podcast is our longest yet, and a pocket load of fun. More for your money! Don't ever say the CHUD podcast crew doesn't care about your beautiful bodies and okay faces.

Get it from iTunes or click here for download instructions:

Secretwhat Pistolhuh?

Love,

The CHUD Show

Dear Legends of the Fall (Tarsem) and Legends of the Small (Dinklage),

Summer is OVER, and you look depressed, frankly. We see you walking those tired streets, chin to chest, hands shoved deeply and creepily into jacket pockets. As the leaves take their suicide leaps from branches to tops of cars and tops of other things and to that dirty, sinful ground, we, understandably, are a little worried for you. You look frazzled, like you're not really taking care of yourself. Your hair is bedeviled, your clothes are disheveled, and you're holding a copy of the The Sender starring Michael Madsen on DVD. That's a cry for help, if we ever saw one. And we never saw one, so it's an educated guess. We think (hope) that maybe this is your style or something. Like every year, when summer altered-beasts its way into fall, maybe you do this deliberately. You stow the summer sundress, kick the seersucker shorts to the laundry room, drape yourself in sadwear and start signing your e-mails "Crestfallen in the fall." Um, did someone just break up with you or something? Your undereyes look tearsoaked. Oh...we're sorry. We hadn't heard that your guypal or palgal left you for someone...something else. Any idea who it was that stole your love right from under your very fragile heart?

It was us, THE CHUD SHOW!!! That's right! We stole her/him with this compilation of the very best stuff from the first 10 episodes of our little podcast. And it's no wonder your love left you. How could you hope to compete with the combined forces of Nick, Justin, and Steve's digi-voices. Warning: This audio is sexy, flexy, and Jonah Hexy. As always, it tastes really good on the old ear tongue. And why leave (<---fall reference) yourself out just because we made off with the object of your affection? Just simply forgive, forget, and dive into the bouncy bed with Nick, Justin, Steve, and a bunch of crazy guest stars - like Ted Levine, Will Mason, and Steve! This was all just a plan to get you alone anyway and rub you with our sounds, dear listener. Please forgive us our trespasses...and also our pass-gasses. That's right! Dutch oven coming right up!

Here's what you'll be hearing once you download this feast:

"In this collection culled from the first ten episodes, urine features prominently. As do apes and sentient inanimate objects. Also featured: the uncut Ted Levine interview. A perfect starting point for new listeners and a reminder to existing ones how amazing this stuff really is."

Get it from iTunes, or click the following link to insta-listen:

Divoff is a special man.

Love,

The CHUD Show

Dear femme fatales and men fatales,

Let's be sure to sync our watches before we attempt to pull off this huge heist. If everything goes swimmingly, we should be miles away with the green and gold and the rare stamps and the books on tape before the pigs ever catch wind of our....NO!!! I said "sync" not "sink"! WTF? Man, I hope your watch was waterproof. Huh...I guess it wasn't since, as you're holding it up in front of my eyes, I see that it's been absolutely destroyed by water. What were you thinking? What a cheap timepiece, by the way. No, no, I'm sorry - I know you were going to use the money from the robbery to buy a nicer wristclock. Look, take my watch and I'll use the clock on my cell phone. We'll sync 'em up and get to our stealing ways. Shit! My battery's dead, of course. *Sigh* This scheme is getting off to a nightmarish start? OK, look - just give me back my watch and we'll figure out something else. Um...you don't seem to be removing my watch from your wrist. Uh, please give me back my watch - it's a family heirloom. Hey, man - what's up? That's MY watch you're wearing! Oh...this was actually the heist? You duplicitous motherfucker. Still, touché and well done. Well, I guess I'll just go drown my sorrows in some sweet, sweet audio. What am I going to listen to? Well, in case you haven't had your ear to the grapevine, timethief, there's a new CHUD Show available! And I hope you break every single one of your earbones trying to hear it.

Yep, you nerd-heard that right, sweet kings and queens. A new CHUD Show is ready for you to crownload! It's only been a small number of days since the last one. You guys are well spoiled. Nick, Justin, and the distinguished gentleman Steve just couldn't wait to jaw about movies, television, and other such things, record the conversation digitally, and kickslam it out onto the Earth.

Here's what your ears can expect to detect while listening to the beautiful noise that is The CHUD Show podcast:

- Learn of the PERILS of Nic Cage's ghostly New Orleans manor.
- Hear Steve tell Nick and Justin about seeing Mirrors - both the horror movie and his own horrible reflection in them!
- "Is Death Race any GOOD?" is a dumb question. You should be ashamed. Train your ears on your speakers and listen ANYWAY!
- CELEBRATE Sir Charlie Sheen's 43rd birthday by remembering the good times, the bad times, and the so bad they are actually good times with the talkative fellas.
- Marvel as Steve REVEALS more posters that were hung upon his tragic CHILDHOOD walls.
- Ready your barf bags and find out who Joe Pesci has been LOVIN' and GLOVIN' on in real life. 
- Bonus: Steve RATES the nation's fast food fries.
- Bonus PLUS: Voicemails, the legend of the Metrognome, Cinderella, and Michael Rapaport all are waiting within.

This one is longer than a giant's beanstalk, folks. So download it, get yourself a bag of drinks and a cup of cheese chips, and sift through the audio with you ear shovels. Get it from iTunes or click here for details:

He has no problem breaking bread with the haunts.

Love,

The CHUD Show

Dear astronauts and cosmonauts,

Space is huge, right? I mean, you look up in it and you can kind of get lost in its vastness - all of those stars like pretzel dust on God's tuxedo. If you stare long enough, that blank verse stretch of cosmos can make you feel pint-sized...like Alice in Wonderland. Or Dinklage in Wonderland. But it's worth it, you know? It's worth aiming your eyes to where the Gods skip and giggle and skin their knees. Looking deep into that scattered darkness makes you reassess and look inward. Questions like "Why do I own The Bone Collector on DVD?" and "How can I better incorporate cabbage into my magic act?" bubble through your mind. And at that moment when you are feeling all miniaturized by the solar system and beyond, and you are shaking just a little from the idea that you are nothing more than a quick burp on this horrifically steady and never-ending timeline, something appears like a monolith and puts to pause all your out-of-control worrying:

A new CHUD Show!!!

Yep, your eyeears sawheard that right! The sultry and slim trio of Nick, Justin, and Steve have gathered once again and recorded a new installment of their scarily popular movie podcast. Get ready to take to the water coolers (and some of you, sadly, water not that coolers) in the morning - your coworkers are going to be gabbing about this one for sure. Why? Because each one of the topics covered are as incredible as the Earth's lipstick (aka the equator). Or, in more scientific terms, as incredible as Kim Kardashian.

After downloading, here's what you can expect to sink your ears into:       

 - Listen to the boys discuss the idea that their little podcast has "jumped the shark." You'll never BELIEVE where Steve thinks that internet expression came from, by the way.
- Nick and Justin discuss the dumped-to-dollar-theaters The Midnight Meat Train, and Steve COMPLAINS he that he wasn't invited to the showing.
- Justin talks about the summer's FAILED X-Files movie, and no one really cares too much - especially notorious Duchovny hater Steve.
- The comedies Tropic Thunder and Pineapple Express are RECOMMENDED.
- Whitman Mayo is COMMENDED.
- The boys talk The Dark Knight (again) and practice their amazing BATMAN VOICES on each other.
- Steve POSSIBLY falls asleep at the end.

Listen, listen, listen dear hearers. We'd just love to pinch both your face and butt cheeks if we had the means. Or the happys. Get the show from iTunes, or click the following link for download schematics:

"The suit's got a trapdoor. Lucius Fox designed it."

Drinks and dreams,

The CHUD Show

Dear rollerskaters and rollerdebaters,

It's summer and there is too much hot in the air. Let's gather up our skirts and jean cuffs and make a buzzy beeline to a shady spot. The problem is finding a great shadeplace, you know? Anyone can dig in under a tree - that's expected. Or cool off under some patio set's huge umbrella. But what about searching for a different, unique source of shade? Like someone's f-ing HOUSE. I want to be in this horrific heat nevermore. It's melting my clothes into my skin. It's giving my heart a hotfoot. It's sizzle-pissing my eyelashes. I think I just sprained my sunburn, by the way. All I want to goshdamn do is stand with my naked back to the fridge, put ice cubes and ice half moons in my short's pockets, and hold hands with a frostbitten yeti…IN a house all blurry with A/C. And if and when I cross paths with a genie or a djinn [much love, Divoff], I'm going to wish that shit into happenin'. Until then, the sun has pinned me to the ground and is licking my skin off. Glad there's a new CHUD Show available to amplify my pain.

Ahem!

I mean I'm glad a new show is here so I can drown out my sunpain with the sugarcoated voices of Nick, Justin, and the newly married Steve!

You heard that right, boys and girls and Lee Curtises - there is a new CHUD Show available for you to lance your earlobes with. The fellers are back after a brief respite, and they are talking talking talking movies to any gallant gal or guyant guy that chooses to make downloading it part of their life history.

"What will I hear when I listen to the latest podcast," you bashfully say into your sleeve.
Don't be shy, little listener! Whet your laps with this list of what you're gonna hear in the new show:

- LISTEN to a recap of Steve Murphy's wedding!
- HEAR the boys heap love upon HELLBOY 2. Nick even dishes on the star-studded premiere!
- NOD IN AGREEMENT as Nick praises the large cast of THE DARK KNIGHT.
- SAY "HUH" as the boys complain about Christian Bale's batvoice.
- SMILE TO YOURSELF as you recall the first time you watched DEEP STAR SIX.
- SING-A-LONG as Steve vocally maps out the new Bond tune.
- GIGGLE LIKE A ROTUND DEMON as Nick embarks on a classic fall movie rant.
- REMEMBER Gatorade gum and Maxine Bahns.

That's like two backpacks worth of listening material! Please click below to learn how to get the show:

"I would like to get some Batman basil fried rice."

Love from up above and from way, way down below,

The CHUD Show

Dear Actives and Pledges,

Why don't you take a moment and gather 'round this campfire and let us spin you a story you won't believe. A tale of fear and adventure. A tale of friendships and bitter rivalries. A tale of love and marriage. A tale of washing machines and pinto beans. It's an epic, little listeners!

But before we tell you that story (via the very best podcast technology available), why don't you feed a couple more twigs and logs into the campfire for us – the flames look like they are getting pretty low...and the deep, dark night is still young yet. Actually, before you sit yourselves down on the warm, inviting dirt that surrounds the fire, take a few moments to go empty your bladders and your bowels over there in Mother Nature's leafy embrace. Now, don't venture too far into those woods! Trees tend to form mazes at night. OK, great. Now, here – let us roast some marshmallows and pieces of energy bars over the open fire. Yummy, eh? Hmm…maybe we should get in a quick power nap as well – just a few winks will do. That way we can digest a little, and give our bodies that tiny burst of needed rest. And then you'll be ready to hear the amazing tale we've promised to tell. So, get comfortable, warm your feet in the hot air, settle yourselves onto the pillowy earth, and prepare….

Fuck, it's morning.

Well, anyway, it's time to celebrate and rejoice as if we all are Phillip Noyce! The 30th episode of the CHUD Show is upon you. Who woulda thunk Nick, Justin, and Steve (especially Steve) would have made it this far? Get ready to ingest some of our longest sounds ever! Recorded only days before Steve Murphy made off with a bride, this episode clocks in at 2 hours+. It's a record! Is that a good thing? Well, decide for your damn selves, you pretty little fans. Here's what you're going to hear after the file has been downloaded and is playing over your church's speaker system:

- The fellas discuss the new horror film The Strangers. Nick is afraid of the now famous Liv Tyler creep/shuffle. Were YOU equally terrified?

- Nick saw an advanced screening of Get Smart! Did HE like it? No, but listen to the boys chat about it ANYWAY!

- Scary memories? The gang's got some. HEAR how Justin was almost killed when he was a kiddo. LEARN about the toy instrument Steve cut his temporary baby teeth on. LISTEN as Steve and Nick tell dueling versions of the same car creep-out!

- Not enough? Well, there is more….Nick went to see Sex and the City: The Movie and WANTS to spread the word...like it's Futterman's Peanut Butter!

- Want to know about Sybil Danning and the nudity on repeat credit sequence of Howling 2? LOOK (or hear, rather) no further!

-Finally, just like you knew they would, the boys stick the landing while ending the show with the following two amazements: Ken Kwapis: A Career in Review and the sad story of young Nick's pet iguana.

This show is more loaded than Stark in the next Iron Man movie…if Favs has his way. Click here for the download details:

There are assassins that pray to Ken Kwapis.

Love,

The CHUD Show

Dear Gods and General Zods,

Something wicked this way comes. Quick! Over here, behind this dumpster. Just wait for the lumbering beast to pass you by...it sees you! Why did you have to wear that bright orange tank top? Run!!! Run like those Chariots of Fire guys! Run like Eric Idle in Munchausen! Run like Patrick Dempsey in Run! Oh, damns. You're doomed. Too slow, too slow. Just put on these earbuds and listen to the newest CHUD Show whilest you rock back and forth waiting for the horrifying monster mouth to clamp down on your skeleton and skin entire.

It's the CHUD SHOW, ladies and gents! Despair not. Nick, Justin, and the ever excellent Steve Murphy are back, and they've got recorded words set to swish around and 'round in your earplaces. So, screw that toothy beast! Check out what's on tap to fill your last uneaten moments:

- An Iron Man discussion! Pretty good little flick, eh? The boys high five each other and talk of Downey.

- The sadness that is the next Bond flick's title. Quantum of Solace. Steve loves anything Bond, so he sticks up up up for the title. Nick and Justin provide possible alternative titles.

- More Sex Advice! For the second show in a row, sad, lonely, and confused individuals call into the show and ask us for help. Sexual help. Which the boys so obviously can't provide, so they laugh at the help seekers.

- A Summer Movie Preview! Just in time for that long stretch of days that make up that stupid season of heat and swimming pools, the boys roll out their summer movie forecast. Justin hasn't laughed as hard on the show since the infamous Piss Wedding segment. Just wanted to add that bit of info for all you archivists out there.

- A Forgetting Sarah Marshall discussion! Steve thinks this is coming a bit late, but that doesn't stop the boys from jawing on and on about the movie.
 
- Other choice bits include Nick and Justin trying in vain to get Steve to like Bill Pullman, Nick admitting weird adoration for the Sanaa Lathan flick Something New, Steve revealing his hair secrets (spoiler: Michael York), and Justin trotting out his old aunt/ant joke - aspiring comedians, please take note of his timing.

Please click on and around this link to find out how to download the show for your personal and very personal use:

"Knocked Up" was the thin layer of icing on the "Bride of Chucky" cake.

Gosh darn how we love thee,

The CHUD Show