At nine this morning my Daddy died. He was in the hospital for problems he was having after receiving a new type of chemo for his cancer. His kidneys had shut down completely and the jackass doctor wouldn't put him on dialysis so the toxins kept building up in his body. Then he got pneumonia and his lungs filled up with fluid so he basically drowned. They couldn't give him Lasix because it depends on good kidney function in order to clear the fluid out of the lungs. I fucking hate this stupid hospital with the incompetent doctors and supposed specialists.

I'm still a little irritated that he is ignoring me… but his loss, right? Heh. At least that's how I'm supposed to be thinking of this, though mostly I'm just irritated.

I did some research today regarding the problem with the wiring and my car's stereo. Apparently the harnessing for the stereo plugs directly into the harness for the whole instrument panel- which means if there is a problem anywhere behind that little chunk of wire up front, the whole front end's worth of wiring has to be replaced for a definite fix.

This leaves me with two options. Well, three really. Do nothing. Live with sporadic sound within my car. Have it checked out (which will cost me about $100) and if it can be fixed, have new wiring spliced into that area. Or spend about $1000 for a new front end harness. Obviously I'm not doing that last one. I'd buy a new car first and there's nothing actually wrong with my car, as a car. Just the stereo and the speedometer. Grrr. That's irritating too.

I had the guy at BestBuy pull the deck out for me today and once the deck ws out, I wiggled the wires a bit and it stayed on the whole way home, even over bumps. To me that just says the problem is right there off of the end of the harness since that's what I wiggled to bring it back online. Depending on how much S. has me working now that I'm done with my class will decide wether or not I get the thing checked out and possibly fixed. *sigh* I honestly hope it can be fixed because I hate having the stereo all loose and ready to be stolen in a minute with no effort. And I hate driving in silence. At least for now I have a temporary, if somewhat shitty, fix.

I realized my Rednex CD is gone. I checked all my archive discs and its nowhere to be found. Sad. That was a pretty funny CD. However, for $6 I can buy a new copy of it and not have to worry about it being missing.

I went to work this morning and did office-y stuff all morning. Burned off DVDs of past projects and organized already existing burns. Exciting, huh? One day I will be well-versed in so much silly stuff I'll know how to do everything without even thinking about it.

He gave me copies of the most recent print job that I did some editing on. I now have something physical for my portfolio.

*sigh* How's that for a disjointed and boring blog?

A friend sent me these photos taken in Rosamond, near 40th Street West. FOr those of you who are frequently out of town, please be careful- if there's one nest, there's going to be others. Watch your kids easpecially.

Mojave Greens are the only snake in the world to have both a neurotoxin and a hemotoxin in their venom, which means when you are bitten by one, the venom attacks both your blood and your nervous system, making them so much more dangerous.

See the photos on my other blog, here. --> http://www.tragicbeautiful.com/words/?p=1259

I have a sweet potato pie in the oven right now and I am only hoping it turns out like… well, pie. The last pie I tried to bake was the pumpkin pie from Thanksgiving a few years ago, and we don’t really talk about that. The upside is it being sweet potato, it will probably at least be edible even if it looks funny.

One of my friends asked me if I am still going to go see NV guy or not. I said I don’t know. I want to, I really do, but I don’t want to get up there, have everything go great, and then go back to nothing again. I also don’t like the not knowing of how things will really be, which makes me want to go. But because of the first part, I’m also afraid I’ll find some way to sabotage a good thing if I do go. I don’t know what to do.

I did decide to make things fun and sent an email his way starting out a fantasy. Gave him a few paragraphs and stopped. He wrote back in turn, adding a few paragraphs from his POV. I sent back another few paragraphs, so now it’s his turn again. He doesn’t have internet any more so I have no idea when he’ll get the next installment and send back to me. That makes it a little more interesting.

I also started sewing another dress today, using a variation of the same pattern as last time. This time it has faux seam pockets (the pattern actually has pockets but I didn’t want them so left them out, and a few other very cute little details. The fabric this time is pink and white camo with skulls. It’ll look great with a paid of fishnets.

As a comment on my blog, leave one memory that you and I had together.
It doesn't matter if you knew me a little or a lot, anything you remember!
Don't send a message, leave a comment... Next, re-post this blog and see how many people leave a memory about you. It's actually pretty cool (and funny) to see the responses.

Repost as "memories of 2007"

It's almost 2008 and what have I achieved this year? Almost nothing. But what I did achieve is a pretty big deal I guess. I've held a job this year longer then I ever have in my life, and I got some help for my various issues and problems. I got closer to some very good friends, and took some people I didn't need out of my life.

I've begun subjecting my cat to a new form of litter box training; she's being prepared for the human toilet. Unfortunately her aim is a bit iffy so this part of the transgression will be slow. She needs to be able to aim where she poops before I let her use the real toilet. Hopefully this whole mess won't be wasted money and within a few months I can do away with the little box completely.

My work load at work is luckily lighter right now as after the holidays we're bound to be slow. I'm glad because without E there, it's a little intimidating to say the least. But I guess I'm doing alright. I tend to work better alone anyway.

I've lost almost 40 pounds over the year. I still have more to go but you know what? It's a start and I'd rather it be slow and stay off then come back the second I get lazy. Looking better I feel better. And when I feel better, everything is better.

There's nothing specific for me to say here, just these random things that are only tied together by myself. But I'm glad I can look back and see something positive about myself for the first time in I don't know how long.

I guess I've done some house cleaning as of late, though I'm still waiting around, as if I expect another shoe to fall. After all, shoes do come in pairs, don't they? __ is no longer in my life. That's the plan anyway. I removed his info from everything I have and asked him not to contact me. It hurt, but it hurts more to always be reminded of what I couldn't have and why.

I think my meds are working in terms of I sleep through the night and I wake up feeling refreshed most of the time. But my sex drive- kaput. Not completely dead, but it's definitely pretty lackadaisical. Overall I do feel better. I'm not so stressed and not so quick to freak out over little things. My concentration is better. But sometimes I still get freaked out and want to curl up and die.

I'm doing a bit more work for M. and still busting my tail for the other place every day. Still going to school. Still wishing I had some bills paid off and could move out already.  Still. Still. Still.

Dad is not really doing better but I don't think he is doing worse either. They are trying to find somewhere that will put a feeding tube into him.

Some asshole smashed a baseball sized dent into my front fender the other day. I don't know who did it, but you can tell it's not damage caused by another car.

I don't know. I have so much to say but it's all locked up right now and I don't know how to say any of it.

I really, really hate my fucking life right now.

Have I mentioned that lately?

I'm tired, I'm lonely, my head hurts, and I'm not sure if I want to cry or hit someone or just scream out of frustration and a dozen other things.

Mostly I just want something to go right.

And stop fucking apologizing to me. If you're sorry about something then change it! Don't just keep saying you're sorry. I'm running out of patience for so many things.