[sorry for the bump up, I had the wrong original post time, and I made a few minor changes as well]

A few months ago I wrote a blog about musical moments and memories where I talked about how important music is in my life and pointed out how music often links to times in our lives.  The point there was that when the memory records time for us and bears a soundtrack we can practically relive those times by simply hearing a song that brings us back to another place and time in our minds.

What does that all have to do with this blog?  Well, I was basically just reiterating how important music is to me, like it is to many people - like Troy for example, who tagged me to write about some music I enjoy and why. 

It would be against my nature to just go along with a tag as-is, so I will write about music, but not exactly in the way called for in the tag's requirements, (sorry Troy! I always do this to tags ;) ).

 … … … 

Although I have always loved music since I was a child, I really don't consider my life and a music lover to have started back then.

For me, the defining moment in my life when it comes to music was the summer of 1994. I remember it very well mostly because back then I was a huge hockey fan and my team, the NY Rangers, had just won the Stanley Cup.

That might not sound like it has much to do with music, but for me it has everything to do with it.

See, it would be an understatement to say that I was a little obsessed with memorabilia having to do with this Stanley Cup win; I had to have anything I could get my hands on and could afford.  My collection also included video tapes that were done like documentaries to capture the moments leading up to the win.  These tapes had soundtracks to them, of course. 

I would watch these tapes over and over and the music they played in the background was slowly becoming embedded into my head; I had to know what the songs were. 

I paid close attention to credits to see what was playing on the tape and stated buying music.  Before my hockey music, the only things I really listened to were top 40 radio stations and movie soundtracks to a few of my favorite flicks.

Hockey music led me to meet the likes of The Offspring, Nirvana, Pantera, Megadeth, and most importantly, Metallica.

All I had to do was hear the Black album once and I was completely sold on them.  I immediately had to own every other album they had prior to that one, and would later go on to own all that came after it as well.  I was becoming quite the metal head.

With my new found love for rock, metal, and grunge music I needed to find a radio station that played this great stuff that my old top forty stations hid from me all these years.  I found a new place on the FM dial that became my new obsession and my source of discovering even more great music.

Over the next several months I became a music junkie .  I spent just about all my spare cash on building my CD collection.  I needed my fix, and to make up for lost time and music I'd missed out on for so long - Pearl Jam, Soundgarden, Stone Temple Pilots, The Smashing Pumpkins, and more, - much, much more.  I was becoming crazed and it felt damn good.

I spent my time listening to music, either on CDs or the radio, and making lots of mix-tapes.  I knew that from then on music was always going to be a very important part of my life, one I welcomed with open arms (and ears of course - hur hur hur…).

One summer day though, I don't recall the year, I was reading the newspaper and didn't believe what my eyes were reading.  The format of my very favorite rock station was changing from modern rock to classic rock. 

Nooooo!

Ok so that's pretty dramatic, but at the time there was no other station that compared;  NYC really lacks in good rock stations, to this day that remains true.

What was I going to do?  This was well before the time of Satellite radio, even internet radio hadn't become a big thing, and mp3s weren't even well-known yet either. 

Where was I going to discover new rock music?  I had all my favorites to that point, but I always wanted more; I needed more.

That point was another sort of a turning point for my music and tastes.  I started to expand my musical horizons because I was forced to listen to other stations.  I started discovering some pop, alternative, even some dance/hip-hop/ and R & B (though not a lot of it really).

My main love was still the heavier stuff but my collection was making way for all sorts of music ranging from the metal and rock to some of the genres I just mentioned as well.  This was the start of molding the taste I hold to this day.  It was different but still felt good; actually it was kind of refreshing to be able to discover some other new music even if it wasn't of my beloved metal.

Fast forward to today and no one in the world could possibly decode what kind of music I like the most if they were to base it on the music collection I have in my possession.  I have a very strange range of loves, and at this point I wouldn't have it any other way.  I love it all. 

Really, most people I know who I consider to have good taste in music are pretty much in the same boat as I am.  I don't know too many people who stick purely to one genre alone and are satisfied like that.  Most music lovers really do have a wide range of tastes, which I think is a good thing.




I mean, I still love Metallica and usually when people ask what my all-time favorite band is I will say that they are, but I don't listen to their music nearly as much as I did when I was that metal head who would only wear black (I still do wear a lot of black though…).

Sometimes I think back and wonder how different would my music taste be if I never investigated the music in those hockey tapes.  I wonder if I would have the same kind of relationship with music that I do to this day if I hadn't started off in the same way.   I know I will never know the answer to that, and that's ok.  I think things turned out just fine.

… … … 

So, what's on my "RIGHT NOW" playlist?

I've been mostly stuck on everything from Fall Out Boy and Panic! At the Disco, to old favorites like The Cure and Pearl Jam.  I also have discovered a couple of lesser known bands like Kashmir and The Klaxons (Kashmir is playing on my profile at the moment if you're interested). 

Troy's blog also wanted to know reasons, well…simply, because I like it – it sounds good to me, so I listen to it and absorb it.  From there, sometimes the music picks up more meaning, other times it just remains something that sounds good.  That's really all there is to it.

I am not going to actually tag anyone, though there are some readers I have who have such great music tastes I am sure if they wrote about music the blogs wouldn't disappoint (Jim, and DJ Myke to name just a few).  But again, I really don't want to give anyone any homework, so I  won't.

 … … … 

What kinds of music do you like the most?  Do you have any particular memory that stands out as your first real exposure to great music?

This blog is one I've had somewhat in progress for quite some time now.  I have been debating if I should even bother with it at all, which is why I've delayed putting it out there.  The decision was a tough one because I don't tend to write on this subject matter very often; some things are best left alone most of the time.

I have finally decided to finish this because, after discussing it with a few friends, the consensus was that if I can bring myself to write it, even if what I have to say here helps or gets my feelings across to even one person then it is worth saying, so that's what I am going to do.

 

... ... ...

 

See, some of you, but definitely not most of you, know that in the past I was in a relationship that was of an abusive nature.  It wasn't physically abusive, but very verbally and emotionally abusive.

Before you get the wrong idea, this isn't about to be a sob story of how I was a victim for so long and now I don't trust men and have issues with getting close to people - because I, thankfully, do not have either of those problems - nor would I be looking for pity even if I did. 

All too many times I hear people saying that the women who are in abusive relationships want to be in them and that is why they don't leave. Typically, the people making these statements have never even been in an abusive relationship. They still, however, assume they would be able to walk away from it if they were ever to find themselves in one.

It gets me so annoyed when I hear this kind of generalization being made. Those people have no way of knowing what it really feels like.  They just hear women give their stories of being abused for so long and right away wonder why the woman would stay so long if she was being abused and automatically place judgment that these women choose to stay where they are.

Like most things, it is easier said than done.  There are many factors at play in these situations that cause the inability to just up and leave at the drop of a hat.

I can speak from experience and say that I definitely did not want to be in the situation I was in for as long as I was.  I may have gotten involved with the person on my own free will, but once I realized who he really was, and that I had been led to believe he was a different person than he portrayed himself to be, it was too late.

I got into the whole thing because I was very young (seventeen/eighteen), had low self-esteem, and was very confused about life in general.  I felt misunderstood and unloved, even though in hindsight I can see that I was loved very much.  I met this man – who was fourteen years my senior - and he seemed into me, and made me feel accepted and wanted.  I took the bait so easily and was reeled right into his trap.

It seemed good at first, aside from the fact that I had to deceive just about every important person in my life in order to see him.  The goodness wore off in the blink of an eye and things were falling apart pretty fast.  In fact, I had attempted to leave him at least half a dozen times within the first several months of knowing him, before anyone in my life even knew he existed. 

He had so much control over my mind that no matter how often I would try to leave, he would play all my weak points and get me to talk to him, always sucking me right back into the relationship. 

He would feed me empty promises each time.  He would say he'd change and treat me better, he'd stop screaming at me for the littlest thing he felt I did wrong, he'd show me the love and affection that I craved so badly.    

I believed it because I was gullible, and thought I was in love with him.  I also didn't know what other choice there was, since I never seemed to succeed in getting away from him no matter how hard I tried to stay strong. 

I was scared of him and the power he had over me.  I was losing who I was as a person.

I know it all sounds dramatic, and it might sound like I still could have left, but again, you'd really need to be in my position at the time to know what it really felt like, and why it became increasingly harder to get away from him.

Eventually he threatened me into telling my family and friends about him.  I don't remember what the threat was, but it scared me into once again allowing him to have his way, even though I was afraid of letting people know. 

I knew no one would condone this relationship, but I was more terrified of him and what he would do if I didn't tell them than I was of my family.  Looking back I wish I had allowed my family to keep me from him, which you have to know they tried very hard to do.

I nearly ruined the great relationship I had with my parents because of him.  He even attempted to convince me to run away from home and marry him so I wouldn't have to deal with them anymore.  He tried to convince me they were bad for trying to keep me from him. 

Luckily I didn't allow him to win that one.  I was smart enough to know my family only wanted to look out for me, and they had good reason, I was just too under his influence to allow myself to see that they were right.

I can't possibly go into every detail of this nightmare relationship because it would be impossible to even try, nor would I want to relive it all, or make you read all the details (I am grateful enough as it is if you've gotten this far).  Basically though, as time went on, his grip became increasingly tighter and I became less and less of the person I was before I met him. 

I wasn't Erika anymore, I was just his puppet.  I was so exhausted from trying to get away so I slowly allowed myself to become passive, which made me even less of a real being.

Of course, looking back I wish I had sought help from friends and family early on - they could have helped to inject me with the strength I needed to relieve myself of him, and thus the pain that had replaced every part of my inner self. 

The reason I didn't seek help was that I felt I was at a point where it seemed impossible to rid myself of him.  I must have "broken up" with him at least two or three dozen times by the time I finally left him for good.

The essence of my previous statement may make it seem, again, like I was choosing to stay, but when your mind is taken over in that way it isn't even YOU choosing what you're doing anymore. 

I know that sounds hard to believe, but if you ask anyone who was there they will say the same thing.  When you lose who you are because of someone's controlling nature you lose your ability to be strong and assertive; you lose them to all the pain and fear.

Ultimately, as you know, I did get away eventually. 

It was through a turn of events that happened to come at the perfect time.  I was introduced to a male friend of one of my internet friends one day, and became close to him fairly quickly.  We formed a bond in no time and I felt comfortable chatting with him about anything, including my current relationship problems.  I explained to him that I knew I had to get away but I was trapped within my fear.

This friend continued to support me, and eventually developed feelings for me that were more than of a 'just friends' nature.  I felt the care he had for me even without being with him in person.  Even though I didn't feel quite the same way in return, just the fact that he expressed his feelings to me so strongly was like a reality check for me. 

It was amazing to be reminded what truly being cared about felt like, since the person I was with certainly didn't give me love. He would tell me he loved me, but I knew he didn't really. 

The affection I felt from my friend started to slowly replace some of the pain that had consumed me.  I began taking parts of myself back from my ex. I eventually got enough strength to take back part of my life from him. 

I was no longer over at his place every day of the week, I stood up for myself more often than not, and didn't back down when I knew I was right about something (which, in the instances of these fights, was ALWAYS - no exaggeration there I promise you).

This new behavior of mine was cause for much more fighting than ever before, only this time the fights were not one-sided; I finally had backbone again. 

Over time, I got to the point where I knew I was going to leave him.  I even told my friend that, thanks to him, I was finally going to break up with that S.O.B. and be free. 

The problem was that I knew I couldn't just walk in one day, say I was history, and leave.  I needed a reason, not that the entire relationship wasn't reason enough, but I needed a current reason.  I knew I had it in me to do what I had to do but the ignition needed to be started somehow before I could get the ball rolling toward freedom.

Then it happened.

One day I was on my way to see him when I had this feeling come over me.  I knew this was going to be the day I left him.  I don't know how I knew, but I just did.  Without a doubt, this was going to be the day, even if I had to pick a fight to make it so.

The night went rather smoothly for the most part, which didn't bode well for me pulling off my departure as planned.  Then things took a turn for the worse when he pulled one of his typical selfish moves that I usually just let slip to avoid a conflict - "usually" being the key word.

I let it all out at that point.  I showed my annoyance at him for that move, and for just about every other thing he ever did wrong by me.  He tried to damage control.  He saw himself losing me and, for the first time ever, I sensed fear within him.  He knew it was too late, though he tried to hold on, but to no avail of course. 

Every string he had me tied to had been cut over the previous few months.  He couldn't be a puppet master without his puppet; he broke down.  The tables were turned for the first time. 

He cried and held me, hoping I would return his embrace, but I kept my composure.  I shed no tear, and laid no hand upon him.  After all, there were so many times I cried and cried while he sat back and watched while showing no feeling, and no desire to offer me consoling to stop the tears.  It felt good to finally be on the cold end...at least I had good reason.

He begged, pleaded, and offered promises he knew he couldn't keep, while I walked away.  I knew I was done; I had no feeling at all about it.  No feeling, that is, except relief. 

I was free.

I don't any words can truly convey the feeling I had while walking to my car that night.  I was lighter than air.  I felt like the weight of a dozen worlds had been lifted off my back. 

For the first time in longer than I could even remember at the time I felt alive.  I was proud of myself, and grateful for the friend who helped me by just reminding me what love and caring felt like.

 

... ... ...

 

I hope that I have shown here that there is much more to a situation like this than meets the eye. 

I think what makes people assume that we must want to remain in our situations is the fact that many women know they want to get out and they reach out to someone and voice their pain, but then never follow through.  They don't follow through because they lack the strength, not because they want to keep being abused. 

I only got my strength because I happened to befriend the right person at the right time (and it really was the right time because he met a girl not long after I left my ex and is still with her to this day, and I know he would not have formed the same feelings for me that he did if he had been in a relationship at the time he met me).  Who knows, had not had this friendship form the way it did my life could be very different today than it is now.

Many women are not so lucky to have the same thing happen.  A very particular kind of support system is required to help a person become strong enough to act out against these types of relationships.  Something has to displace the fear and restore the self in order to gain strength; that is not a simple feat.

I am not preaching here.  I am not, like aforementioned, seeking pity or consoling for what I went through in the past.  I am just saying if you know of someone in that situation, don't be so quick to think they are there because they want to be, and don't get upset if it seems like they don't use the help you offer them. 

Instead, constantly pump them with love, show them you care - REALLY care.  Don't just tell them they deserve better and they need to get out of that mess.  They need love, constant support, and the comfort of knowing that their words are not just falling on deaf ears.

 

... ... ...

 

I'm curious to see what others think of this subject matter:

What are your opinions on what I've voiced here?  Has anyone been in a similar situation, or know someone who is?  How did you (or they) handle it?  If you disagree with anything, why is that? 

 

Thank you to anyone who's taken the time to read this.  It means a lot - I know it was a long one, but I do appreciate your time, patience, and thoughts.

This isn't going to be one of my typical long, ambigiously obscure and thought-provoking blogs.  At least I don't plan for it to be that way, (sometimes I wind up doing it without intending to!).

What I just want to say is that - and I am probably in the minority with how I feel on this one - I could not care less about diamonds and jewelry, or Valentines day in general, for that matter!

I am not really meaning this as a rant blog or anything, but really...I am just tired of seeing all these commercials for diamonds and jewelry everywhere!  There never seems to NOT be an occasion for them to air them incessantly while I am innocently trying to watch television, listen to the radio, or surf the internet!

I am not a jewelry person, never have been, and it is safe to say I never will be.  Unless it is body jewelry type stuff, or school rings (which I still need to get) I just don't care for the stuff much. 

I hate how advertising makes it seem like every woman out there is not going to be impressed with a gift, for whatever occasion, unless it is something extravagant that carries a heavy load of diamonds and gold or platinum. 

Actually, scratch that.  Even worse than making us all look like we need jewels to be happy is that by doing it makes us generally seem so materialistic.  Society giving the message out to men that they can purchase our hearts with cars, jewelry, and whatever else their wallet can manage. 

Screw that!

Please don't tell me that I only feel this way about gifts and Valentine's day because I am a sour single person because that just isn't the case.  Even when I am attached I feel the same way about it all.

First of all, if I am to receive a gift for whatever reason, I would be much happier if it was something from Best Buy or stores of the like.  Video games and electronics (especially sexy, shiny ones) would please me way more than a sparkley diamond and gold necklace or earrings.  Call me crazy but it's really just a preference thing. 

Besides, I don't even want to be given expensive things.  I like buying stuff but I am so bad about accepting gifts from anyone other than family, I just feel like I don't want to cost people money, and it really isn't necessary, though I do appreciate it very much.

I just dislike how easily many people get reeled into the commercialism with Valentine's day especially.  If you love someone, every kiss should not have to begin with Kay, and it shouldn't make a difference if he went to Jared or Walmart!  Love is love, period.

And last I checked you can still love someone on February 15th, June 2nd, August 10th, or any other of the 364 days on the calender that are not Valentine's day.

Don't mind me or this blog, which sounds way more bitchy and ranty than I intended, I just have seen way too much pink for my taste lately and I am tired of it!

One of the best feelings in the world, in my opinion, is when we realize that something that we thought was a huge stressful deal at one point, really isn't at all.

You have a moment where whatever fog was looming goes away and suddenly you're made aware that all previous notions of the situation were just wrong, overdone, or completely irrelevant.

What was once such an important thing/feeling/idea to hold onto really doesn't matter in the least, and probably never really did.

Most of the time, a feeling like this is like a heavy weight being lifted off your life, freeing your mind to worry about the things that are actually important and hold real weight.

Also, many times this 'huge' thing probably started out as something pretty small, if you take the time to trace it back in your mind.

I had something like this happen over the course of the weekend when I had the chance to communicate with someone who I hadn't really in quite a long time (for personal reasons that are not worth mentioning at this, or any, juncture).

Looking back at the situation though, I realized that we got to such a horribly low point in the first place by allowing many, many little things to stack up; things that, if dealt with when they occurred, probably would have seemed so tiny and insignificant. 

Instead they went untouched, left to linger and grow, to the point of almost complete disintegration of a very long and meaningful bond between two people who really did, and do, care about one another.

Although I am not saying that these few exchanges have mended everything that previously occurred, it did make me realize there is real probability that things will, in time, heal and continue to improve.

It made me think of life in general and, when looking at the big picture, a moment such as what I experienced put some things into perspective for me. 

We have huge worries in life all the time.  I don't believe there isn't a person alive who can say they don't have a single worry.  So, why hold onto 'issues' that, when placed out in the open for us to analyze, are very tiny and unimportant in the grand scheme of things? 

This example is only one of many that could probably come to mind if I spent more time thinking about it. 

We go day in, day out and allow small things to get on our last nerves, or send us to our boiling points, when really, why do we bother holding onto such things?

I think the best thing to do is either dismiss tiny annoyances immediately, or deal with them right away (if they are issues between people). 

The worst thing to do is hold onto these small things.  When we do, the result is that they either fester and annoy us endlessly, or even worse, stack up with other small things and grow to almost impossible sizes.

I know there is no way to instantly stop allowing ourselves to hold onto these things that really don't matter much, or won't matter in a week, a day, or even an hour from now.  But, I think that we would all be better off if we stopped to think of things in relation to the big picture every now and then, and not let small things get between us and our happiness, or between our meaningful relationships with people we care about the most.

When it comes down to it, life is just too short for that, don't you agree?

Did you ever feel like some of the things you think or feel are diametrical with the person you are externally?  If so, do you feel like maybe you are really a different person than you even think you are?

Sometimes I wander around in my thoughts and there are things floating around in there that don't feel like 'me'.

I have a certain fondness of the kind of person I am to my friends and family.  I feel that I am, for the most part, a loving and kind person.  I try my hardest to make people happy, though I know it is impossible to please everyone all the time - though, that doesn't stop me from trying anyway (unsuccessfully).

So when I am faced with a feeling inside that doesn't seem like it goes along with my typical persona, it causes me to stop and question myself.  Why does this thought exist?  Where did it come from?  How do I get rid of it?...etcetera.

Do the passing thoughts inside define part of who I am even if I don't make them known?  Am I really a different person than I thought?  Or, is it okay to have thoughts that don't necessarily go along with those typical of the person thinking them?

I can partially figure out why some of them might be up there in my head, but it doesn't make me feel any better about their existence.  I dislike thinking that I might be masking these things purely because allowing them to surface could eventually turn me into someone else. 

I know I would always be 'me', but perhaps not a 'me' that I'd be as proudn of, or like as much.  Then I am, again, faced with thinking:  Is it fake to hide things from the world forever?

I know everyone is allowed to have thoughts they don't share, and that no one is obligated to divulge their every feeling.  I do know those things. 

I also know that maybe a feeling could exist but in more of a fantastical way, and be nothing more than that – a fantasy, albeit good or bad.  But...I wonder how to tell the difference between what's a real feeling and what's merely the imagination getting carried away?

Am I alone in thinking, and/or feeling this way, or has anyone else felt similarly at times?

Most of you have now seen the first version of this list, either the first time I wrote it or via the reposting of it earlier this week.  That list was made at a time when I was feeling extremely emotional and felt the need to release those pent up praises and aggressions in order to lighten the load that was weighing down my mind.

Although that was written only about six months ago, in that time I have changed in so many different ways.  Not only that, but even many of the feelings expressed in that list have shifted, some for the better, and some for the worse.

I've been contemplating the idea of presenting a new list with a similar theme for quite some time now but have not, until now, been able to think of how I might go about doing so.  After tearing my brain apart for ideas, I decided on something that I should have thought of long ago: song dedications.

I am going to pick a few lines from songs that represent thoughts or ideas that I want to dedicate to people that have touched my life.  I will also write a few lines to the person the dedication is intended for to briefly explain why I picked those lines for them.

I think it probably goes without saying at this point (but yes, I am saying it anyway :P ) that I will not disclose who the dedications are for, regardless of how much you try to bribe me!

One.
"Shut Up And Smile" – Bowling For Soup
It's not the end of the world // In fact it's not even the end of the summer
But thank god the TV is on // Cause there's no way we could know
Anything that's goin' down // Or how we're supposed to be feeling about it
I can't tell you how much I wish we could shut up and smile

How perfect is the message in this song?...For both of us, really.  It was great that we were fortunate enough to meet each other when we did, I know I am more than a little happy to know you.  The support system we've come to have for one another is worth more to me than you'll ever know, as are you. 

Two.
"Circles" – Incubus
Hey what would it mean to you? // To know that it'll come back around again
Hey whatever it means to you // Know that everything moves in circles, yeah
Round and round we go // We could know when it ends so well
We fall on and we fall off // Existential carousel

I just want you to know that someday the things you've done out of selfishness will come back to haunt you.  It may be in some unrelated way, or perhaps in an eerily similar circumstance, but karma really is a bitch, much like you are, actually.  You can run but you can't hide forever, just remember that much.

Three.
"Rock The Casbah" – The Clash
The Shareef don't like it // Rockin' the Casbah, Rock the Casbah
By order of the prophet // We ban that boogie sound
Degenerate the faithful // With that crazy Casbah sound

I know you will crack up seeing that I've included this song.  Ever since one particular evening, I know you remember as well, I can't help but smile because to me this song represents not only that time, but all the fun times we've shared in the short span of our friendship.  I miss you and have been thinking of you all the time.

Four.
"Open Up Your Heart" – The Rapture
When you're sick incomplete // Watch the stars not your feet
Feel the wind blow on your mind // Now you're seeing blind
Fight the urge to say no // Bring Your friends then you'll know
Come inside step away // Kill your fears today

You've got so much potential to truly live, if you let yourself go.  I care a lot about you and I don't like to see you upset all the time.  I think part of the problem is you are trapped within your fears.  The world isn't such a scary place, and there are definitely lots of people who love you and give you support.  You need to break free sometimes to really experience life.  Give it a try sometime, you'll see how good it can feel.

Five.
"The Fray" – Fall Away
You swear you recall nothing at all // that could make you come back down.
You made up your mind to leave it all behind // Now you're forced to fight it out.
You fall away from your past // But it's following you…
Maybe you should wait // Maybe you should run
But there's something you've said that can't be undone.

The way you feel is pretty clear at this point, I just still kind of sit back and try to figure out what went wrong.  Maybe you think I was selfish for doing things the way I did, but I had decisions to make and I had many factors to consider.  That's neither here nor there at this point though, you're getting your way now and if that's what makes you happy, who am I to interfere?

Six.
"Poprocks and Coke" – Green Day
Wherever you go, you know I'll be there // If you go far, you know I'll be there
I'll go anywhere, so I'll see you there // You place the name you know I'll be there
You name the time, you know I'll be there // I'll go anywhere, so I'll see you there
I don't care, if you don't mind // I'll be there not far behind
I will dare, keep in mind // I'll be there for you

This is one that speaks for itself.  You know who you are…'nuff said.

 Seven.
"In This Diary" – The Ataris
I'm knowing that right now is all that matters.
All the nights we stayed up talking and listening to 80's songs;
Quoting lines from all those movies that we love. It still brings a smile to my face.
I guess when it comes down to it...
Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up: These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters // Is just following your heart
and eventually you'll finally get it right.

I was listening to this song before and thought of you, it reminds me of us.  It got me thinking of way, way back to when it all began and brought a smile to my face.  A lot has changed since the beginning, there's no denying that…but, recalling all those good times we shared before all the goodness slowly chipped away makes me hope that much more that someday we'll be able to share good times again.  Little by little, maybe time and talking will be able mend those scars...

 
Eight.
"Friends In Low Places" – Garth Brooks
Cause I've got friends in low places // Where the whiskey drowns
And the beer chases my blues away // And I'll be okay
I'm not big on social graces // Think I'll slip on down to the oasis
Oh I've got friends in low places

There's a group of you that this one goes out to, and if you're sharp you'll know who you are.  This song always reminds me of those Friday or Saturday nights where there were very few goals: go out, drink as much as possible, have fun…and try to avoid doing things like knocking tables over and breaking glasses.  So we failed miserably sometimes…those moments are the best memories when it comes down to it, don't you agree?

 
Nine.
"Anchor" – Lifehouse
I know that I'll never be alone // you will never let me go
you are my anchor // hold my hand
while I'm sinking in the sand // no one else could understand
you are my anchor

A few of you come to mind when I hear this song.  I have been through a lot, good and bad, over the last several years.  Of all the people I know there are a small number of you who always have been, and always will be there for me through everything, no matter what state of emotion life has me in at the time.  You know who you are, and you will never know how grateful I am for the undying support you've always extended to me; know that you'll always have the same in return – it's the least I can do.

 
Ten.
"Kryptonite" – 3 Doors Down
I watched the world float to the Dark side of the moon // After all I knew it had to be something To do with you
I really don't mind what happens now and then //As long as you'll be my friend at the end
If I go crazy then will you still Call me Superman // If I'm alive and well, will you be There holding my hand
I'll keep you by my side with my superhuman might...Kryptonite

I can't hear this song without thinking about you, and those are some fun memories too!  You know who you are and I think you'll agree.  I am so glad that we've stuck out all the crap that's been going on and I have a very strong suspicion that it will only continue to get better from this point on.  Thanks for being you, and for always being there for me.


Eleven.
"Thank You" – Natalie Merchant
You've been so kind and generous  // I don't know why you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you // For your selflessness--my admiration
For everything you've done // You know I'm bound--I'm bound to thank you for it

I have a couple of people in mind when I think of these words.  Actually, these words greatly understate the way I really feel, but they come close enough to get the point across.  There is no way I could ever compensate for everything you've done for me, but I can try my best by offering endless appreciation and love.


Twelve.
"Swing Life Away" – Rise Against
I've got some friends some that I hardly know
But we've had some times I wouldn't trade for the world

This is another that basically I relate to a large group of friends I've come to care for very much.  The few lyrics are pretty self-explanatory, so I will let them speak for me.  You guys are all great and I wouldn't like to know life without you, now that you're here.

… … … 

Thank you all, once again, for getting this far and reading my feelings and thoughts.  Whenever I take the time to do this exercise it definitely brings out all sorts of emotions, good and bad, but it is also very cleansing. 

I'd love to know what you thought of this format in comparison to the way I did it in the first version, so let me know! 

Once again, thanks for reading, I hope you all have a great weekend! 

Since I am still somewhat blocked (though I am happy to say that new version of my people list is almost complete!), and because I have missed interacting with you all as much as I did when I wrote regularly, I've decided to play along with a tag I have been hit with, by Wayno.

This is a tag I've seen running like rampant through friends' blogs lately, and I've not been able to think of many things to ask people, but I thought I'd see if anyone here had anything they would like me to answer.

This is pretty straight forward...

1. You get to ask me up to three questions about anything you would like to know about me.

2. I will answer your questions honestly.*

3. Then, I will tag five people who are supposed to respond by playing this tag game in their own blogs.

There you have it, pretty simple, very unlike what I usually do here...but so was my last blog, come to think of it...oh well!...

Ready...

Set...

Ask away...!

The few times I have played along with tags, I did not usually tag anyone, but this time I think I will...and I am picking people who love me way too much to kick my ass for it...  ;)

Those people are...

- - -

...AND...last but not least...I'd like to introduce to you all my fifth tagged person, who also happens to be my older sister, Jennifer.

She's finally caved in and allowed myspace to be part of her life - not without so much kicking, and screaming...but, now she's here and she knows she loves it, and can never turn back!  *evil grin*

*I reserve the right to lie, exaggerate, or create diversions while answering as I see fit and/or necessary

Writer's block has been a big problem for me lately.  I guess the lack of blogs I've produced explains that fact on its own.  Then I started reading something the lovely and talented Lisa wrote that got me thinking, and slightly inspired.  When inspiration has been next to nothing for so long I will take "slightly inspired" any day, so I'm going with the feeling.

I am twenty-six years old, living in a new city for the first time in my life.  I can count the number of people I know here on one hand – and have several fingers left over.  I still don't have a job.  I still don't know what I want to do with my life in the long run; I don't even have a clue.

Not having a clue is kind of a theme that's been going on since...well, since as long as I can remember, really.  I wasn't one of those kids that said with excitement, "I want to be a __________ when I grow up!".  We all know that blank can be filled in with any number of career goals – doctor, lawyer, astronaut, fire fighter, etc.  I never really thought about the future in that respect.

It wasn't because I was an underachiever, or lazy either.  I was always doing very well in school, usually near the top of my class in most subjects (let's just not talk about math, ok?).  Yeah, I was a good student, always striving for top grades, and being rather upset with myself when I didn't get them.  Yet, there I was, never thinking about future career goals, for reasons I couldn't tell you if you asked, since I really don't know them myself.

After high school came college, and deciding what to study.  I had no idea what kind of path to take.  I started out undecided for that reason.  Soon, though, I had to pick something. 

I tried a semester of majoring in English, quickly learning that was a big mistake.  The discontentment writing papers gave me should have clued me in on that...

I was reminded by several people that there was always the idea of Computer Science, which I had thought of before starting college, but wrote it off on account of the math involved (can you sense my relationship with mathematics?).  However, I was feeling so desperate with the need to pick a major that I decided at least computers were my thing; I always excelled in anything computer-related in the past, so it would probably bring me success in college too.

That brings us to the present, having earned my Bachelor's Degree in "Computer Science with Applications in Business".  So, why am I not seeking work in that field?  Simply put: I hate it.  Just about all the programming classes I had to take, even though I did well in them, brought me worse boredom than I'd get watching paint dry.  I don't see the point in seeking work doing something I know will ultimately make me miserable.

...Which brings me back to the cluelessness.  I have no drive, no desire, no passion, and no inspiration.  Where is it?  What am I waiting for?  Will I ever find it?  How do I even know where to look when I have no hints to help me get me started? 

The effect of having nothing to strive for causes motivation levels suffer drastically, which makes the whole process seem very painful, and not enticing in the least.  It brings the spirit down, and a downtrodden spirit makes the body feel worn out and less alive.  This is where I am.  That is how I feel. 

So, what am I to do?  What have I been waiting for?  Where can I find the answers to any of these questions? 

I suppose I already know the answers must be within myself, somewhere, but...I am, once again, clueless as to how I might go about bringing them out to the surface. 

If I could just find that appetite for...something, anything – I would know what direction in which to start stepping.  Without that hunger, though, it is so hard to even turn the key and start the ignition that would start up my life again.

It started the other day when I was in the car just driving to the supermarket.  I think I needed a can of tomato paste to make sauce.  The radio in the car was tuned in to the station I listen to the most except it wasn't playing any songs I liked so I changed the station.

I picked another station that was playing Christmas music.  I decided I'd like to listen to that for a bit.  After all, it is the holiday season, and the night was crisp and there was a wintery chill in the air, and even the remnants of the season's first light snow remaining on the ground.  Christmas music certainly seemed fitting for an evening like that, even if it was just a short drive to the store.

Early on in listening, I realized it wasn't just a standard airing of holiday music.  There was a host and she was taking calls from people who were requesting songs that had to do with some kind of story about their very best friend, and would say why that song they were requesting was special to them and their best friend.

Now, I admit to being a bit of a sap (ok fine, more than a bit...and I only openly admit it because some people who read this know me too well to let me get away with saying it's just a 'bit'), but these kind of call-in shows are usually a bit thick, even for someone like me.  But, I listened anyway.

A woman had called in, she was an older woman but not "old".  She was talking about her best friend that she's had for over 40 years - since she was in kindergarten, who now lives 2000 or so miles away.  She went on to tell the tale of their friendship and explained why "Rudolph the Red-nosed reindeer" was her song request (which I won't go into because that really isn't relevant here). 

The host of the show then went on to say how touching that story was and also started talking about a few of her own best friends.  Then, she also said a few words about why best friends are so special and how they are the few people in life that we can always be sure of no matter what.  She said how best friends are the ones we can always count on to accept us for who we are no matter what, when the rest of the world is so quick to judge and be cruel.  

Best friends are there for us through and through, because there are no expectations, or conditions, or judging, or anything that can taint other sorts of relationships we have throughout our lives. 

Best friendship is the kind of special bond that, once formed, is something we just know is there without fear of it going away, or becoming corrupt, because our best friends love us, and we love them, no matter what.

Of course this caused me to think of the people in my life who have held or hold that title - those who still remain, and those who have slipped away from me, for whatever reason.  It kind of brought a tear to my eye when I did this because of the recent friendships that have vanished from my life, at a time when it was crucial to see what would happen when I left my hometown. 

I had hopes of keeping my friends, because I loved them all, even through the hard times, which every friendship or relationship is bound to have from time to time.   That is not the case, however.

That radio personality's description of best friendship is what I thought I had with these people.  I never held negative feelings for them or for who they are as people, even though I knew we'd gone to different places in our own lives, I never imagined something like that would ultimately make the relationships themselves fall by the wayside.  Honestly, that never even dawned on me.  I still am baffled by it sometimes when I think about it, although I have been strong about it because I had too many other important life moments going on at the same time to really allow it to crush me, like it may have otherwise. 

It saddens me, but also enlightens me, when I think about the events that led to everything in those situations. 

Sad because just the essence and feeling of an ending of this type of thing is a downer, but enlightening because I guess in some ways, if the final outcomes are really final...then there wasn't as much cementing in those relationships as I had once thought existed; a breach in the once un-breakable force that was a collective "us". 

I don't even know where I am going with this from here, I think it's really just this time of year that I become sentimental and reflective.  It makes me appreciate that much more those who have been constants in my life through all of this and more.

I love all of my friends and family and although I believe this is something that goes on year-round, the holiday season has always also symbolized to me a time for family and friends, closeness, giving and loving. 

The sheer existence of these people makes my life worth everything - the good and the bad.  And although the price was a great one, going through major losses like I did makes me realize even more how it's so important to make sure the people you care about know that you do, and that you appreciate them being in, and sharing part of your life.

 

...And to think, all I wanted to do was to make sauce.

Being blocked for as long as I have been gets old pretty fast, I am sure most of you know this feeling well. I know there are thoughts and ideas somewhere in this head of mine but at this point there's probably a thick layer of dust piled upon them.

It is such a weird feeling to be someone who thinks so much, about so many things, so much brain activity and yet when I try to empty the thoughts from my mind they refuse to spill out into the keyboard. There's a roadblock somewhere in there that needs to be destroyed.

Blockage aside though, I've decided to combat it by writing anyway, so you lucky people get this blog from me for that reason. I will not be defeated by stupid writer's block...not without a fight anyway!

So...since I haven't gone list style in a while, here's a list of roles I take on when I am not being my usual Myspace Addict self.

1. Gamer: I've established here many times that I have many lovely geek qualities. One of those is that I do enjoy playing games, video games and computer games. Between recently getting back into playing the MMORPG that I had given up on for a long time (Ragnarok Online) and also playing through the new game in the Zelda series, Twilight Princess, much of my time has been split between those two things. When I get very into a game it is hard to extract me from gaming mode, couple two games together and I am pretty much lost in gaming paradise.

2. Cook/Baker: My enjoyment for cooking and baking continues to grow and I've been having great fun and enjoyment in creating food. Making dinners that require a bit more than just pressing some buttons on the microwave or boiling water have been the norm for me so prep and cooking time keeps me "afk" as well. Baking is very fun and usually ends up with yummy results. Most recently I made some peanut butter cupcakes with chocolate frosting. They came out pretty good. I've also made banana chocolate chip muffins, and some other things. Next on my list of things to make is a recipe for "chocolate crispers" cookies that a friend of mine gave me.

3. Couch Potato: Although this role will unfortunately be a more minor one for the next few months, for the last few months there've been way more shows I've been into watching, and I don't tend to stay at the computer while I watch TV. Mondays has been Heroes, though I think that's on break now..., tuesdays BBC America started re-airing season 1 of the new Dr. Who, and since I missed it the first time around I have been watching it now. Wednesdays did have Jericho and LOST but both are breaking right now. Nothing on thursday, and then Fridays have been Battlestar Galactica and Dr. Who season 2. So for a while a few of those days will be free of TV, or at least of new TV...but that is only as of recently. I have never been into so many shows at one time until now, it's fun.

4. Sleeping Beauty: Ah yes, my unemployed life has put me in a weird sleeping pattern where I stay up pretty damn late and sleep a lot later than I used to allow myself. I've been going to bed anywhere between 4am and 7am and not getting up until somewhere between 12 and 2pm...and even later a handful of times. Yes, I know this is a bad habit to be getting into...and I have been trying to convert it, but when you know there isn't anything important that is NEEDING to be done it's hard to really discipline yourself into a new pattern. I've been setting my alarm though, for 12. I mean, that's later than I really want to be getting up but until I can decide to really make myself go to bed earlier than 4, I can't expect to be productive at all if I don't at least allow myself between 6 and 8 hours of sleep. I don't worry too much about it though because I know that when I DO have something I NEED to wake up for I can, no matter how much or how little sleep I've had the night before...a responsibility is still a responsibility and I am not a irresponsible person.

... ... ...

Alright so that isn't much of a list, but I don't do anything very exciting so I can't exactly add "Mountain Climber", "Lion Tamer", or "Pirate Ninja" to my list (though I really think it would be fun being a Pirate ninja...).

Anyhow, that's about all I have to say for myself at the moment...I am surprised I even said that much, come to think of it. So basically I am here but I am not...and I don't know how long that will be the case, until I feel like doing otherwise I guess is the best way to put it.

So, until next time...

I was thinking the other day when I was in New York at my parent's house.  It happens sometimes...thinking, that is. 

I was just kind of wandering around my mind, between different ideas and thoughts that are up there.  The majority of those thoughts being about life, love, work (or lack thereof) – basically just the same old things I am constantly going over, and over, and over...

Then a new thought popped up in my mind when I was thinking of my relationships with people, or more closely my interactions with the people in my life, and just people in general.

I've always felt myself a pretty easy-going person.  I know for a fact I am not easily angered.  I usually have fairly good patience, though that is an area I probably could use more work in.  I don't tend to be overly critical of people close to me either.

When I thought of that last thing though, I wondered about the difference, if there is one, between being overly critical and just having certain expectations for the behavior of people. 

To be more specific, is it being overly critical to get bothered by the behavior of someone if it is behavior that, in your opinion, is not acceptable?  How do you know if you're just overly critical or if the person's behavior is really uncalled for?

I, just as most people probably do, have certain ways that I believe people should and should not interact with the people around them, just as common courtesy. 

For some reason I kept finding myself in situations all week where there were things people around me were doing that just annoyed me and got me to a point that I personally don't like to get to.

The fact that this happened made me think about the whole question I posed. 

Do I just have standards set in my mind for people that are too high to be met?  Or is it that I am just a very critical person?  I don't like to think that I am critical because I don't feel like I usually am.

Maybe certain people who I was around just bring out the worst in me?  And again, is there a way to change that? Maybe become more accepting of the way those people are, so they don't elicit behavior from me that I don't feel comfortable dispensing? 

I know that I am the one in charge of how people affect the way I react, but some things are so ingrained that it would take much effort on my behalf to alter it.  It's something I could probably do if it were the best solution.  But I also have a problem if I know that by doing so I am enabling the other person to continue acting in a way that I believe is unacceptable, it would only be my reaction to that behavior that I would be changing.

I don't even know why I think about that so much.  Or why I care so much about what other people are doing.  And I don't, as a whole.  I only care when it directly involves me, and how I handle myself. 

It all goes back to the whole transformation process, becoming one's own self, not controlled by others or external factors.  I can only be me, just as others can only be themselves.  So I am not even sure what I am really getting at here, but...it's just still something that was on my mind.

Do I make any sense?...I doubt it. 

BUT if you have any thoughts on any of this stuff I'd like to hear them.

After writing my blog the other day, where I talked about puzzle pieces, I felt like the weight of the entire universe had been lifted off my back.  My level of emotional stability did a 180, and I felt good. 

No, it was better than just feeling good.

I felt like I had somehow transformed back into myself, my true self.

I realized my mentality was falling into dangerous territory that was anything but good for my emotional well-being, and for no good reason.

I re-read what I wrote, and despite those of you who assured me I wasn't being 'emo', I still felt that it wasn't really me. 

I wasn't about to sit back and allow my mind to work in such a way that I was giving myself a mental beating; my emotions are very delicate and I could drive myself insane if I am not careful.

I thought more about the big picture, read some of the great advice I got from you all, and realized I am OK. 

Wherever I am in life is where I belong.  I don't have to worry about molding the road ahead of me, it is a much better plan to see what unfolds before me and go from there.

Hell, I got myself here because I've already proved to myself that I have the ability to see a situation where I am not happy and take the actions necessary to change what wasn't right.  So why fret now?

I shouldn't worry about where I am, or where I am going, because I am strong, I am intelligent, and I am capable of grabbing life's steering wheel and taking control if I feel I am headed off track. 

In the meantime though, I think I'll just flick on the cruise control, crank up the music, and enjoy the ride - bumps and all.

Anyone who has put together a puzzle before knows how hard it is when you have a piece in your hand that you try to place everywhere and it just won't fit no matter where you try to fit it in. 

You see a spot that seems as though it belongs there, but when you press it into place it doesn't ease into the spot like it is supposed to.

However, for some reason, you are so sure it just has to go there, so you shove it a little, you make it fit in, only to remove it because you come to realize that it just doesn't go there.  You accept it, and move on to the next piece, hoping to find a match.

What if, though, you've finished the puzzle, have no spaces left, and you realize that one piece is still there?  How is that possible?  How can the image be completely filled in and there still be a leftover piece?  Did you do something wrong?  Is there a trick you missed?  Probably not…

I will tell you why it's there.   It's me.  I am that leftover puzzle piece that just doesn't fit in anywhere.  That is what I am coming to think must be the matter with me.  It is why I am so unhappy with my life, even though I should be happy with it.  I just don't fit into the grand scheme of anything.  I try to make it look like I do which is why sometimes it seems like I must belong, but in the end it is always the same outcome.  I don't fit no matter how hard I try.  I. just. don't.

I don't know where my life is headed, I don't know what it has in store for me, and I desperately search for where I fit in, hoping to find where I just fall into place – which so far just hasn't happened.  The closest I ever come are those moments of being shoved in, and then I always hope it won't be discovered that I don't belong.  Hell, sometimes I am even fooled by it, but it never lasts.

One day I suppose I will find my spot in the world.  I know I just have to keep my focus; my eyes open.  Head up, smile on the face, I know the drill.  It just gets hard sometimes, you know?  Trying to find that niche, that place in life where you just know you've finally come 'home'. 

I know I can't give up the search, I don't want to end life as a homeless piece of some puzzle, besides, it would suck for there to be an unfinished puzzle out there missing a piece because I just haven't made my way there yet. 

Let's face it, the only thing more annoying about having pieces leftover when putting something together is not having all the pieces needed to finish.

... ... ...

P.S.:  I am not really 'emo' or depressive like this blog suggests, more pensive than anything else, mostly due to still being jobless and lacking direction as to what I need or want to do.

I need a new hobby I think, so my mind wouldn't idle so much and get myself all worried about everything.

...maybe putting together puzzles?  ;)

Just a quick thought for the moment…

Can a nightmare be wonderful?  Have you ever experienced a dream so very good that it was just about the most horrible thing in the world? 

That is what I am wondering at the moment. 

The very essence of the word 'nightmare' implies something horrifying and certainly unpleasant.  But, can the very thing that makes it so unpleasant be something that, in and of itself, is something so amazing and/or wonderful?

It sounds like a complete contradiction, but I wonder if anyone else has experienced something of this nature?

Have you ever wished that a nightmare you had would come true?