Anybody who knows me well, knows that I have two lesbian sisters and a lesbian step-sister named Mimi.  I even made LEZ BE FRIENDS as a loving homage to  their woman-loving-woman ways.  Furthermore, I talk about my sisters all the time, especially when I'm around other lesbians.  Our conversations become instantly easier.  It's as if I've joined their club.  I must KNOW their lesbian secrets or something.  Sure, growing up around strong women made me a staunch feminist, and I definitely know the scent of a room after two women have had sex, having walked in on my sisters' dalliances [after-the-fact, mind you] on more than one occasion.  I think I even developed really good LEZ-DAR.  I can usually spot my Sappic Sisters from 50 paces away. It wasn't always the case.  I was on a steep learning curve.

When I was about 3 years old, Mimi wasn't related to me.  She was my neighbor up the street.  My Dad married her Mom many years later.  So we were "boyfriend and girlfriend".  We played in her basement all the time, where her Mom saw clients as a Speech Therapist.  She had one of those kinky 2-way mirrors set up for observation.  So my little girlfriend and I would take turns on either side of the mirror, stripping for each other and pressing our nublile, young flesh against the glass.  It was soooo  MIDNIGHT EXPRESS, and if you don't know the movie, get it, watch it, or forward to a scene near the end where Brad Davis' wife comes to visit him in his Turkish prison.  Mimi and I were JUST. LIKE. THAT.  HAWT!

Who knew that all that progressive tomfoolery would make us both gay.  I guess we turned each other off.

Fast forward a fuck of a lot of years....and presto....Mimi, who lives in Santa Cruz, announced shortly after the historic CA Supreme Court decision, that she and her girlfriend, Dana,  were getting married. 

I HAD to go!

Of course, it's never that simple.  I drove up the coast a few weeks ago, leaving myself enough time to make it to the rehearsal dinner, which was actually a non-rehearsal picnic on the Santa Cruz Boardwalk while 80s band, The Romantics, performed a free concert.  Random, right?  

When I was about 15 miles south of Santa Cruz on PCH, out of nowhere, a giant wall of flames erupted a couple hundred yards in front of me.  JESUS- -FUCKING- APESHIT -NUN -ON -ROLLERBLADES- FUCK!  For a second there, I thought this indeed was God's wrath.  "I WILL NOT ALLOW THIS WEDDING!  YOU WILL NOT ATTEND!  YOU WILL BURN!!"

The radio, however, said it was a possible arson fire and that some witnesses ahead reported they had seen the flaming assholes deliberately light the flames and peel away.  I hope they burn in hell, but I'm guessing that's where they want to hang anyhow.

The wind was blowing in our direction and there was nowhere for me and the hundreds of stuck cars to go until rescue workers devised an escape plan.  We hung tight, stayed calm, and eventually got the fucking fuck out of there. 

I made it to the rehearsal by the skin of my teeth and enjoyed THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU, WALKING IN YOUR SLEEP, annnnndddd.....hello?  Is this thing on?  Let's put it this way, the only thing skinny about the Romantics were their tired, old ties.

Mimi's parents, my stepmother and her first husband were there.  It was so incredible to not only see two supportive parents, but they seemed genuinely excited and happy for their daughter.  Take that Dick Cheney!!!


On the wedding day, I arrived early to help out.  This event was thrown together fast, in order to show how badly they wanted to get married.  They've been together 8 years, so tick-tock, you know what I mean.  Besides loving each other dearly, Mimi and Dana wanted to get married to show the fucking world the number of people who wanted this, that society wasn't going to crumble, and they wanted to do this in case this November, a majority of CA voters decided they once again wanted to oppress a minority by amending the constitution by defining marriage as between one man and one woman.  As if in this secular government, one in which there is allegedly a separation of church and state, that people are even allowed to take ownership of a term.  Just because YOUR religion defines marriage a certain way, doesn't mean you get to impose that on others.  And the constitution was set up to protect the minorities from the majority...so voting on this is ridiculous.  God we live in such an asshole world sometimes. 

But I digress....on to the nuptials!

The weather was ominous.  Scary clouds, thunder, even hail at one point.  Maybe Jerry Falwell was right!  Nah....sometimes weather is just weather.  But it was odd that as soon as Mimi and Dana started their vows, the clouds parted, the sun burst through, and a clear blue sky revealed itself. Love was indeed in the air.


Of course, there were a few Santa Cruzee, crunchy, earth momma touches added to the mix that would never find their place in a snotty LA lesbian wedding.  They had a saging mistress, and the wedding party entered with swords and cups and symbolic earthy icons to unite the moon with the pollinating bees or something.  I don't know.  I kinda tuned it out and concentrated on Mimi's and Dana's beaming faces.  This was the happiest day of their lives, and it showed.  So allow them a couple of tie-dyed, deadhead cliches, will ya?  Besides, an LA lesbian wedding comes with its own predetermined outline - -an exchange of business cards and iPHONE text messaged vows while both brides sport their bluetooth headpieces in case they miss an important conference call about the SAG strike.


Oh, because I know you'll ask - -Mimi wore a black suit with rainbow flags cascading off the sleeves, while Dana, took the traditional bride route and wore a white dress complete with a lovely floral corsage wrapped around her ankle.  But don't assume that because of their outfit choices that Mimi is "the man" and Dana is "the woman".  They're both women!  Ok?  Good!  Let's move on.


My stepmother gave the most moving speech without uttering a word.  She simply hugged Mimi, grabbed her hand, smiled at her and nodded her approval. She then did the same to Dana and then sat down.  Perfection!

Mimi's Dad got delightfully political on us.  He said that in Virginia, where he lives, if they had legalized gay marriage, people would say this is the work of activist judges who wish to undermine the American family.  He then paused for effect and said, "Thank God for the California Supreme Court."    Perfection squared!

The best part, by far, was when the officiator of the ceremony said something I had never heard before in my lifetime and it was something I didn't think I would ever hear:    BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME AND BY THE STATE OF CALIFORNIA, I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MARRIED.  It was a stunning moment, something that everyone there recognized as historic, and we all knew instantly how priviledged we were to witness it.


Later, many of us gave speeches.  I told the story about the two-way mirror and said that Dana now owed me big time, because, clearly, I made Mimi a lesbian.

A gay man got up to speak and thanked the parents in attendance for their prescence and support.  He said that his parents would never come to his wedding, upon which my stepmother stood up, raised her hand and shouted, "We'll go!"  Off-the-chart on the perfection meter!

I could bore you with the dancing and the quite delicious potluck that followed, but really, I think the beauty of this is there already.  So let's all wish Mimi and Dana and their adorable son, Boaz, a lifetime of happiness, shall we? 


P.S.  Ok - just to show that I also celebrate straight marriages.  My stepmother is getting married again in Ohio this weekend.  She had a college sweetheart, George,  a long time ago who was forbidden to see her because of their different religious backgrounds.  So they parted for decades, had their own marriages, etc.  A few years ago, out of the blue, George got ahold of my stepmom and asked her out.  They were both widowed at this point, and seeing how they didn't have their pesky parents around anymore, they were free to hook up.  According to my stepmom, he came up to Youngstown from Dayton for that date and never left.  They're both in their seventies folks!  Isn't that the most romantic thing you've ever heard? 

This past Friday, I was invited to attend the STEP IT UP AND DANCE finale taping.

For those of you who aren't gay and don't watch BRAVO (and the two are not mutually exclusive), SIUAD is the network's latest in a long line of PROJECT RUNWAY ripoffs (see: Sheer Genius, Top Design, Top Chef, Make Me A Supermodel). The formula has become very clear by now:


3 cups gay flour
2 tsps dominatrix-type host
16 oz. gay backstabbing
1 tbsp gay silverfox mentor
3 hard staring judges

Mix ingredients in a large bowl until gay.

Anyhoozies, I could hear the pitch for this one as if I were in the room at the time. SIUAD is SO YOU THINK YOU CAN DANCE except you get to see the dancers sitting around an apartment bickering. SIUAD is DANCING WITH THE STARS without the ballroom, the stars, but with more prize money. Besides, host Elizabeth Berkley would be a contestant on DWTS, but here, she will be the needy host who always has to prove that she danced once in some film I've never heard of called SHOWGIRLS. Guess you have to be straight to know that one.









James and I chatted and took this pic to prove that we really do know each other, because my ego demands that YOU MUST KNOW THAT!! I know Reality Stars, so suck it!


He introduced me to another also-ran contestant, Tova. She was sweet and took a picture with me to prove that we really do know each other, because my ego demands that YOU MUST KNOW THAT!! I know Reality Stars, so suck it!

[Yes, I did this really cool thing called COPY AND PASTE from the paragraph above because all the kids are doing it.]


It was then that we were informed that there would be a production delay of many many hours. Figures. I decided to wait it out, because:

1) I didn't feel like working on my other projects that day
2) I ran into my friend Loren, who is as much of a pop culture junkie as I am, which meant not one lull in conversation the entire time we were there
3) hot straight contestants! Duh!

Instead of waiting outside in the 100+ degree heat, we opted for the extras holding pen on the 3rd floor of the building. This was a giant bar area in which mingled the several hundred paid extras who were instructed to wear their "I'm taking the Path Train from Hoboken to see JERSEY BOYS on Broadway tonight" outfits.


Every now and then, an Assistant Director would inform us that we would be waiting a bit longer. Minutes turned into hours. Hours turned into more hours. Yet, Loren and I were content to dish about EVERY reality show on TV from a behind-the-scenes perspective. I love Loren and I would recommend that you request his presence at your next function, whilst [love that word!] waiting for a delayed flight at the airport, whilst driving cross country, or whilst waiting by your phone for that elusive job offer to come. He's good company.


Finally, 5 hours later, we were shuttled into the lobby so that they could get us "spontaneously" entering the theatre. Then, the Warmup Comic walked us through an assortment of handclaps and "Woo! Woos!" so that they could cut those into the finished product wherever they wanted. I felt so manipulated. Reality TV isn't REAL! If they cut to me clapping to, say, Cody, remember that I was merely clapping to an empty stage except for the loud, obnoxious Warmup Comic who would raise and lower his hand to indicate the level of applause required. After 45 minutes of that crazy fun, the show began.

Don't worry. I'm not going to spoil anything, because they will sue me, but mostly because there is nothing to spoil. Just like PROJECT RUNWAY has decoy contestants showing their clothing lines during Fashion Week, they had decoy dancers in this finale. They introduced the first FINAL FOUR and they did a group routine. Then they introduced an alternate FINAL FOUR, made up of a couple from the previous group and two other contestants, and they did the same routine. As of this writing, there are 6 contestants left, and that's how many danced at the finale.

Oh! I almost forgot. Elizabeth Berkley looked fierce! Like Heidi Klum Clone fierce. Like Nomi Malone ten years later fierce. Like Christian Siriano fierce. I can't stop saying fierce! Damn you BRAVO! You are making me way gayer than I ever wanted to be!


When I discovered that the big reveal of the winner would happen without the audience present, I was so outta there. It was 7:30 and I needed to get home to watch WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE. Ok? I'M BUSY!!

I read   TOWLEROAD  every day, and thank God, or else I would have never come across the story of openly gay democratic candidate, Jim Neal, running for U.S. Senate in uber-conservative North Carolina against Elizabeth Dole on the Republican side of all people!   This is the state that brought Jessie Helms to the world folks!  This is Jim’s first bid for any type of political office and he has chosen a state (his home state) that hasn’t been too kind to his kind, if you know what I mean.  He is only the second openly gay  person attempting to become a nominee of a major political party in American history. 

So why, you may ask, is a guy like me from Los Angeles, using up valuable MYSPACE blog pages to go on about a guy thousands of miles away?

Well, not only is it important that EVERYBODY in the country get involved in the political success of candidates who stand for equal civil rights for all, who have clear visions for heathcare, for the economy, and who campaign in a Hybrid, but it’s also important to stand behind a guy who is operating totally at a grassroots level and is currently garnering approximately 20% of the votes in the primaries.

Oh....but I buried the lead.  Here’s the clincher.  I know Jim.  Very well.  He was my next door neighbor for years.  He lived in the apartment behind me.  We shared walls.  We hung out all the time.  I had dinners with him and his two wonderful sons, James and Winston.  We marched together from West Hollywood to the Hollywood Bowl in 1991 when then-Governor Pete Wilson vetoed A.B. 101, a gay rights bill.  I know, from a daily basis, how smart, dedicated, kind, and passionate this man is about the world around him. 

I immediately called his campaign office, donated $100, and folks, I’m unemployed at the moment!  I left a message and Jim called me right back.  He was so appreciative of my contribution and my support.  And now I want to pass that torch on to you as well.  Go to his site:  www.jimnealforsenate.com  JIM NEAL FOR SENATE

Read his take on the issues.  If you agree with him, then support him.  Get the word out.  He doesn’t just need the votes of the people of North Carolina, he needs all of us to get behind him and make change in a state that sorely needs it.  It will affect us all.  We don’t want to backslide to the days when Jessie Helms called Clinton’s openly gay appointee, Roberta Achetenberg a "damn lesbian".  Support Jim Neal!

Ok - and if you’re over political announcements on blogs, I leave you with this little tidbit from BIG BROTHER. 

Natalie, who looks like Cheri Oteri and is a member of Team Christ, is often the go-to gal on the show to provide voiceover descriptions of the challenges.  At last night’s Power of Veto Challenge, she described the backyard setup as such:


"When I go outside, I see a bunch of palm trees, and a big giant face made of stone and rock and all these lizards and sand.  It just looked like a desert paradise!"

This may not translate well in a blog, but just try to imagine someone cooing this with that little scratchy baby-talk voice and you’ll get the picture.

Saturday night, I brought my best gal pal, Allan, to Perez Hilton’s Big 30th Birthday Party.  It was chock full of goodness, like the photobooth they set up compliments of KY LUBE. 

The place was chock full of random celebs. All I could think of was Dave, the guy who did the voiceover intros in WHAT PEREZ SEZ barking in that fake cheesy voice of his..."Look, there’s Heidi and Spencer from THE HILLS sitting in a corner talking to nobody!   Isn’t she adorable?  It’s Amanda Bynes! Are those designer celebs Marc Jacobs and Andrew Christian?  What’s up home skillet?  It’s Andy Milonakis!"

The open bar featured absinthe, which I’ve always wanted to try every since Ewan McGregor hallucinated about a Kylie Minogue Green Fairy in Moulin Rouge.  They even authentically dripped water through sugar cubes into it, because I guess that adds that special LSD touch.  It definitely was trippy, and although I saw lots of fairies at the party, none of them were green....except the one who drove the Prius, obviously.


We ran into Randy Barbato, that big fucking muckety-muck exec at World of Wonder, my big boss and cutie patootie big cheese in charge of the Perez show...that show I’ve been forcing down your throats this past year.  Randy was standing in a corner when we saw him watching his friend dance by himself on the main floor.  I was about to say, "There is always one guy dancing alone at every party," when I realized it was Ru Paul.  So I kept my mouth shut and just laughed somewhere deep inside my sick little soul. 


There was entertainment galore.  Some dude who enjoys driving big bolts through his face, the Pussycat Dolls (which we missed because we went to another party), and my favorites, Kiki and Herb.  Typical of LA, they didn’t know who these NY sensations were, so the applause, when people bothered to at all, was tepid at best.  Assholes!  Those guys are LEGENDS!!!

What would a Perez event be without a little promotion?  Besides the KY promo, there was a Burger King and gift bags filled with everything from t-shirts to coffee, gum, and, of course, some lube.

I gave Perez a bunch of gifts for his beloved Cockerdoodle, Teddy.  A pink dog bowl, a pink chew toy, and another chew toy shaped into a dried up piece of poop...well....because.

World of Wonder also made a clip reel of the best from Perez’s show followed by me and the gang all yelling, "Happy Fucking Birthday, Perez!" at the end.
Perez was so thrilled by it.  When you see it all together, it’s kind of amazing all of the different people we had on the show, and all of the places we traveled...Vegas, Miami, Chicago, New York.  And damn, Perez is looking better and better these days.  Bitch got a facial, his hair is frighteningly a normal color, and he’s been dieting and working out and the weight loss is really obvious.  I bet he’s gonna be getting laid all over the place in no time.  Happy Fucking Birthday, Perez!