nothing is a feeling
feeling an absence of something
where it's supposed to be
just like an amputee

but I would rather have nothing
than all the unfullfilled promises
I would rather choose my pride
over your nothings by my side

and I want nothing more
and I will settle for nothing less
give me anything substantial
I live for everything

Thanks to Bran for passing this gem along. :)

Storage is unpacked finally and whilst whittling away at the mess of boxes and bags in the living room I uncovered a box of things which had obviously been hidden away with my mom's stuff ever since about 1997 or so and gone with her when she moved into thier new garage and somehow magically appeared here a few weeks ago with the rest of my things that I had put in a storage unit down there about a year ago.
Ya dig so far? I are teh queen of teh run on sentance.
Soooo...yeah. A lot of it was junk mail and random nothing papers but I did find a pile (huge pile) of papers from a story Traci and I had been collaborating on in the 9th grade. A note from class she had written to me from about the same period in time. A bunch of poetry I'd written on backs of recipts, other papers, ect. A ton of assignments and reading material from about 12 different high school and college courses I had taken. A huge wall poster map of Krynn (um...yes, from the DragonLance novels) and some D&D character sheets, a note to me from Jasper, heaps of letters from Apollo, a note from Dave aka CJ. A schedule from my first summer at Upward Bound. A pegasus poster from when I was like 6 (one of those Scholoastic posters you could get from book orders in school), Journals that were chronicles of a time shortly before I ended up moving in with Matt back in '97. A stack of letters from Margie about 4 inches high, letters from Desireee and Jenifer, letters from my former counsellor when I had moved away and was going through rough patches. Wow, what a stroll down memory lane. Viewing my past life from a distance puts a lot of things in perspective.
A lot of this I ended up throwing away. Some things just grow to mean less (like past romantic endevours) , and others I treasure but just don't have enough room to keep all of (like all of my writings).
I saw someone who was deeply troubled, living facing many difficulties, highly emotional, but also creative, intelligent, extremely verbose, with a core of support from friends and teachers. Good times, bad times...

The things I decided to keep:
All letters from all the past BFF girlfriends (whom I dearly miss having as a daily presence in my life).
A folder consisting of all the work I did for one of my english lit classes I took in college, my first term I went. Hell yeah it's awsome to see all the praise in all the margins of the papers I wrote. I still believe I had such promise as a writer.
My map of Krynn...you will pry my nerdiness from my cold dead fingers.
A few poems that weren't complete drek.

What else I gained from the experience:
It's interesting to now have my official diagnosis of Aspergers and look back on all of my journal entries, with hindsight being 20/20. I can see how obviously apparent it was back then (which makes me wonder even more why no one prevalent in my life saw my autism, back then).

And in summary...In day to day life I exsist in the first person. While going through my old things may technically still be first person, it's probably about as close to third person as I'm going to get.