Ya know...

You come home from a gig, happy, hearty, healthy, and just slightly buzzed...

And you run smack fucking dab into a cautionary note on your door from your roomate...Sam...that says a goddamned "giant" rodent and your cat were having fight night in Manhattan Beach all over your 700 thread count Egyptian Cottons!

So what do you do?

For my part, I brave and enter my hovel shithole of a tour neglected room and encounter what can on be described as either a Small Pony, or a giant fucking rat...

I will sleep on the couch tonight, and I will forever listen to Sam when he says "you may want to sleep on the couch tonight"

SO!

Where has Guttermouth been?

South Bay, Corona/Riverside, Huntington Beach!!

Holy Crap I've seen more big white trucks and dickies shorts in the past three days than any man should have to bear.

But I digress...

First stop, California's South Bay!

Home of the Descendents, Black Flag, the Circle Jerks, and (your's truly)...me

betcha didnt know that did ya?

neither did most of the crowd...good to be home people

Show was great, saw many friends...wish not to divulge their embarassing stories here

Maybe in my memoirs...HIIOOO BOOK DEAL!!

Up Next...

Corona California...

Where? A strip club/bar venue called Angel's...

Why? Don't ask me or Kevin...we went to the strip club and caling the fucking place "Angel's" is like putting an Evening Dress and Glass slippers on Lindsay Lohan...it just don't fit

Ok..maybe it does, god I wanna fuck her!

Anyway, another good show, drunk people, drunk band, drunk Strippers! now were fuckin' talkin'

ah...right, god will get back at me somehow for this one...

And, for the Epic Conclusion to this, our three stop, no bullshit, Lighting round tour of the three "Broest" fucking places on the face of Yaweh's Green Earth:

Huntington Beach!

Haha...Home of Guttermouth (So they tell me) and home of...well...slip on's?

I don't know...

But, once again, Kickass show. Fun people, good cause...

And to be serious for just one second. Tonight at Gallagher's we did a benefit for a lad who needs a new heart, his name is Dustin and all of us are pullin for him...

Just thought I'd Lighten the mood for a sec

SO!!

Thank you to our good friends Janis and Jared at AMI, our man in the I.E. Jared, and Jason at Dank and Jordan...thanks for the time lads...ah you're a good lot!

And Now dear readers...I'm off to brave the rat cocoon that used to be my bedroom...on second thought, maybe I should listen to Sam...

I may sleep heavily on the couch tonight folks, but rest assured my heart is light and resting happily on the hot pink hood of some dickheads four-linked F-150 in the South Bay/I.E./ H.B.

Regards, Ryan

So where was I?

Oh yeah...

Crested Butte Kicked rocks...meaning good show. Sadly it would be the last time we would set our hungry eyes upon the lovely ladies of Civet. Why? Oh I will tell you why...

We come up the mountain to Breckinridge and Mark looks a little green but altogether still alive.

we go to our hotel...

Mark hands me my room key...

We go to tentative sleep...

In the middle of the morning, hours before we even have to show up at the venue, Mark starts coughing...

I awake to the sound of an Adkins lung bakery and...

I am angry...

until I see his face.

And, suddenly, without warning, completely out of the blue!

Mark, Literally gasping for air, lunges at me with a panicked look in his eye and grabs my throat screaming "AHHH...AHHH, RYAN...AHHH!!!"

I scream in return "WHAT?"

And with a fevered look in his dead grey eyes, the gasping ball of cookie dough that used to be my lead singer says "I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA DROP!!"

And in return, the shrieking insensitive prick that is always me says to the heavily breathing, 40 year old, dying wad of wrapping paper:

"IF YOU DIE CAN I HAVE YOUR HONDA?"

Is it funny now Mark? Seriously, dude I thought you were screwing around!

Nothing? well fuck you too..

Cut to five days, two missed gigs (sorry Breck and Vail, we shall return) and about a thousand antibiotics and Saline IV bags later...and Mark has Pneumonia and a rather serious case of acute pulmonary adema.

Word!

anywho, Mark is alive and well and was dancing and singing this very day...

He pulled it together for Grand Junction and he pulled it together for Salt Lake City...and every one of you mothergrabbers who went to those shows should appreciate him for this very fact:

MARK HAD PNEUMONIA WHEN YOU SAW US PLAY!

I'll bet that your tender ass skips work at the chicken factory when you've got a serious case of sniffles and acute pussification

So...

In light of this fact, let us all take this opportune moment to thank Mark for sucking it up and playin with pain just like Joltin Joe Dimaggio did (you know he had Arthritis...or was that Mantle?)

Anyway!

Colorado and Utah!!

From the brig of my heart valves and from everyone here at Guttermouth:

Thank you and we love you, and we will doubtlessly see you all next year

Regards, Ryan

Shit Yeah Stains and Soaks!!

I'm Fuckin Stoked!!

You Wanna Know Why?

Ryan Here...news down yonder'

We just finished the first and last dates of what was (to me) a full-fledged snow soaked wet and disgustingly distinguished frigid as a Moose's dick tour of...

Colorado and some adjacent states...

Mostly, Utah...in fact only Utah

And now...For this...the 5th official Edition of:

Guttermouth Memories!!!!!

I cheer for myself!!

I'm goddamned rad I say!

Anyhow!!

Mark, Kevin, and Myself ran right on out of Orange county early like to avoid the hellishly long drive that was the tow to pick up the rest of our family in Denver Colorado. On the way, We stayed at Buffalo Bill's in Primm Nevada where Mark and I lost a dick load of money on roulette...we had something on top!!!

…Eric Hodge…we love ya…nuff said

We picked Up Scott, Don, and Capable Merchadise Technician David Velasco at Denver international...very little snow, what gives? Seriously, they call it inversion or something?

So!!

Fort Collins was the first stop...not my last stop...I was on a heroin binge...shoot me up Scotty! I was so looped to the moon that my dick would not have risen for the almighty resurrection...

I was fucking smoked man...

Joking!!! Joking!!!

Heroin is for stupid...and as Kevin will willfully quote back to me (anytime he wants to burn my pompous ass to the ground)

"You do Know I'm Smart...right?

I don't do Heroin! I do, however do, do Mushrooms!!

Which (might I add) almost got me fired from the band for being a direct and disassociated douche-bag right before the beginning of a set...

I apologize...I was on Hallucinogens...don't do them...unless you really like:

SEEING YOUR FAVORITE SONGS IN TECHNICOLOR ON FIRE IN YOUR MIND WHILE YOU STARE AT YOUR OWN KNEES AND WISH TO GOD...THAT...

…This nightmare would end...

Yeah Mushrooms are like that!

Fort Collins Kicked Ass

DENVER...COLORADO...DATELINE...SOME FUCKIN NIGHT!

We love the Marquis! The Denver Crowd gives us only one option!

Pure Scumbag Rock and Roll:

Don Looks bad in just about anything but the rock man pose! Think: Sex, Love and Jimmy Page…and then add 30 pounds…pure fucking great guitar man…

He's the only man I would ever let fuck my drums!

Or spit on me, which he did… Did Don spit on you?

Next up Containers and Receptacles…Colorado Springs!!!

Whooo…

Shit…I have little memory…Except!!!

The Girls from Civet: In fact…let me take a moment to kneel at their stilettos and suck on their pointed heeled feet…pretty punker girls turn my motherfucking crank!!!

I would be proud to love up any one of those girls…and don't think I did not try. However, their virtue held out, as did their pride…

They were (after all) professionals. But more importantly, they were a good band…

I respect them all, and am proud to call myself friends with Suzi, Liza, Danni, and Jacqui…bless you ladies, you braved a cold and isolated tour that has made "McSkillet Burritos" of many a man band

So that's all I remember of the first leg…I was kind of a mess…

Up next: Me, Mark, and the "Cobra Kai" take that faggot Danny LaRusso down on the streets of Crested Butte…and then Mark almost Dies…If you or anyone else you know were slightly curious about that, then tune in next time…

Ah Ha Balls…Fuck I hate me for making a cliffhanger!!! I would hate me too if I were you!

But you know you'll be here…As will I.

With regards…enjoy the weather!!!

Theft, Ryan

Vinegar?

Is it Vinegar?

...Godamned State Sponsored Education!!!

Salt Lake City! The Bar Deluxe!! Beer one third the strength of normal beer...

Christian Based fanatical Orthodox religion nine tenths the strength of any other governing body/corporation/Economic body in the state!

I little Ironic I feel!!

Good Show in spite!

SO!! Moving Right along!

Salt Lake City, We thank you for being our last stop on this one...a good stop, not a bad one

This blog is a smaller version of a previous one that was a hell of a lot longer, but I felt it was a bit crap and off the point, so I edited myself

Highlights of the tour in general to come

Many Thanks!

Wanna Know Why?

Because Guttermouth Played a show tonight..and I was hungry afterward!!

Anti-climactic?

Yes!

Silly?

A resounding Yes!!

Important?

You bet your nuts and nuggets it was important!!!

I...Actually like listening to Slayer

but I am diverging from the point of this Blog!!

Mark is OK,

he had a bad battle with Pneumonia...and other stuff...

Stuff that does not make sense to me right now...But, he's doing alright

Thank you Grand Junction, for putting the Mark back in...Guttermouth

For now...Ryan Down Here...News up there...signing off

more later...

Greetings Cupcakes and Muffins

Ryan Here...heavy heart down there

Ya Know, the Late great Musical Philosopher John Lennon once said:

"All you need is Love"

But today I beg to differ...Oxygen is important as well...Come to think of it...love doesn't mean shit if you can't fucking breathe

My friend and lead Singer Mark Adkins has himself experienced the reality of this philosophical maxim...on this very night

I'm no Doctor...but according to my now practical expert opinion on the subject

Oxygen Saturation (commonly reffered to in contemporay television medical dramas and comedies as "O2 Sats") is a very important aspect of organic life...it essentially means how much Oxygen is in your blood stream...

...there is going to be a quiz later

Normal O2 sats range at 100%...anywhere below that is crap and you've got problems

Mark's O2 Sats on this very night when we were scheduled to play in Breckinridge were hovering between the 81 and 75% range

Ive now been told that 02 sats anywhere below 70% can cause cardiac arrest..and without prompt medical attention...death!

Death!!!

Anyway...I'm all out of comedy, I am genuinely worried about my friend...even though he now seems ok, oxygen machine and all

The mountains and thin aired high altitude are beautiful, mysterious, and apparently deadly...

Breckinridge...we look forward to your show every year...we are genuinely sorry and we will make it up to you, that is a promise

Anyhow...

now for the quiz: what was the name of Richie Cunningham's older Brother who jaunted off to College early in the tenure of the Classic and timeless show "Happy Days"?

The first women, man, child, chicken, or mohican scumbag to answer this question correctly will win themselves free tickets to a show of their choosing...along with three other friends...this includes California Dates...Arizona dates...any dates you maggots wish to attend.

Sincerley and completely, Ryan

Hello there everyone who does and does not live in creste Butte...

Once Again, Ryan Here...ah that's right...news down there

Crestted Butte...for the uninitiated, is located square in the middle of Bumfuck Colorado...literally the middle of the Rockies, frigid as a Cuban hooker...don't ask

Tonight we played to a sweaty crowd of punk rock fans and created the only warm fuzzy spot in all of Crested Butte...warm...fuzzy...sweaty...people spitting on me...uh?

So Yeah!!!

Mark rocked his vocal chords to the very brink of destruction, and the crowd was happy

Don...being the Mountain man that he was born and bred, was the only one of our crew to not practically lose consciousness due to thin air and Ridiculous fucking elevation...

As I type I am literally coughing harder than my Grandfather did throughout his whole lifetime...and he had lung Cancer...and fought a war...with one lung...in a submarine...while smoking...

The girls from Civet used our gear because the stairs leading the place were beyond treacherous...and then did not thank us....uh

But they made it up to us by Giving Kevin, Myself and Capable Merchandise Technician David Velasco a ride home so we would not collectively freeze our fucking asses off in the cold and unforgiving Crested Butte night...

Crested Butte...I could go for an easy pun here people, but I am better than that

Tommorow is Breckinridge for all you hip mountain cats that wanna dig on the Sherpa and Yetti's scene man...far out

Sorry...Mark and I have been brushing up on our "Beatnik"

See you there all you spit lobbing scumbags...and thank you Crested Butte!!

Ah good night!

Oh the beloved snow capped center of Colorado...speaking for myself

beautiful place,

However.

we've been off for the past few days ...nothing new to report, just wanted to let you know that ALL OF US...including myself are starting to feel like Jack Nicholson in the Shining

all play and no work make Ryan write poorly prepared internet blogs

up Next...Crested Butte Motherfuckers, at a place called the Eldo...come and eat drink and be merry...the mountains have a way of opening up the best in people

FUCK FUCK FUCk

hello there kittens and cats!

Ryan Here...again, news down there

Colorado Springs was the shit...everyone had fun and everyone did a great job

some of the guys did something that was fun

I can write what I wish I can spin words into insults or salutations...

I got lossed in Colorado Springs...and now I'm fairly positive that I know the downtown area better than I know the tip of my penis

That's all?

That can't be all?

but It is...

what do you want from me?
More to come...I am very very tired.

Hey...how the hell is everyone?

Ryan Here... more news below....

First things first...uh...it has been 3 hours since our last performance and I must say...uh...yeah...it was in Denver

No, No Im Kidding! it was a hearfelt blast!!

The Girls from Civet and Kevin and Mark had a weird Miller Light Shotgunning contest...and guess who won?

Give Up?

I'll give you a hint...the winner looks absolutely stunning in a set of fishnet stockins

Some guy spit on me...nah nah nah

Some guy spit on Don...ha ha ha

And let me say something about Don...as cuddly as he is, he is quite the ass kicker. He kicks ass with the absolute cream of the proverbial crop...Don rises to the top and Stays puffed up like a Flan in an oven...one might say that Don Crushes!

...and I quote: "Kicking ass is rough"

And I repeat..."Kicking ass is tough" So Sayeth the Lord!!

Anywho!!

Mark made fun of Everyone, Scott made pee into a bottle, Kevin Ripped some kid from some band a new asshole because the jackass claimed he was a better bass player...

By the way, just a note of caution: Never make fun of Kevin...

Or...

Mark my words, the man will make you wish you had been aborted at birth...the creepy bastard slings insults to beat the band, and he will indubitably tear you a new chocolate cheerio if you challenge him...just a warning

Until tomorrow fuckbags!

Dateline, February 22nd, 2008

Greetings and salutations beloved Blog readers, Ryan here...news down there

We arrive in Picturesque Colorado in all of its god given frigid splendor after a hellish drive punctuated by a brief furlow into Lovely Las Vegas Nevada...bloody Roulette table...stole my money like the Grim reaper scything Australian Moviestar Heath Ledger (what can I say, I was a fan)

Mark, Myself and Kevin drove the 1000 miles from Orange county to Denver International Airport where we picked up the Rest of the team. Scott, Don, and capable Merchandise technician David Velasco...

the acrid smell in the van grew exponetially more pungent with the edition of these three characters...but I digress

The Aggie theater in Fort Collins was our first stop on this our Annual Snow Tour, and let me tell you...punk may be dead...but someone forgot to tell the denizens of Fort Collins

But First!

I made an ill advised decision to eat some mushrooms prior to this gig just to spice things up a bit...seemed like a good idea at the time...

needless to say, the clerk at Kinko’s had a bedazzled look in his eyes when I showed up at his counter in a effort to do some official band stuff mumbling such non-sensical crap like "hey man, can you tell me whether or not you can take this ere and make me things that have plastic on em so my band will be happy?"

Back to the show.

Local and International Legend Bugface opened the gig with his group "Bill the Welder"
they kicked a certain ammount of ass

Civet was up next, and they did not dissapoint, we are happy to be sharing the tour with these girls, and hopefully they are not too repulsed by the endless stream of obscenities/bodily functions/and other illicit behavior that...well, that we do

Anyway, we take the stage, and everyone starts throwing beer, everyone stars jumping on stage, security starts throwing people off stage...we bring them back up, it’s a give and take industry here...

Fun show, very very fun show...

However, it is late here in the Mountains, and I’m tired so I will return soon enough with round 2...

Next Stop Ladies and Gents Will be in Denver at the Marquis, be there or be square...

Enjoy the Weather, Ryan

We started up a "blog" page (fuck i hate that word.) In which we will dicuss meaningless random events AS THEY UNFOLD PEOPLE!!! For example how drunk we're feeling after a show. Or how Mark wants Don and myself to stop talking about his love affair with our very own merch/ cantina boy Mr. Dave Valosco.


Guttermouth Blog

Thank you for your Time Folks, Word Savvy sonnet writer Ryan here to tell you that:

GUTTERMOUTH IS COMING BACK TO COLORADO!!!

...and if you didn't know that already then you've obviously been living under a rather large and geologically old rock...

BUT...WE DON'T CARE...COLORADO HERE WE COME

Now: for those of you who are loyal subscribers to our semi-regular edition of

"Guttermouth Memories"

I offer to you the first (and possibly only) hot healthy serving of:

"Guttermouth Memories that Ryan Remembered Way the Fuck After the Tour Ended"

COLORADO: Dateline...February 2007

Mark got tackled in Denver by some dick...way to start a tour. Adkins had blue and purple bruises all up and down himself throughout the entire lot...have you ever heard Mark Adkins complain?

Oh of course you have, You're fans!

Mark got hit in the face with a bottle at the Aggie Theater In Fort Collins...he bled, he swayed and fell over, and then he sang...he sang like a bird. Way to play with pain Mark, way to take one for the Team big guy!

Aspen is full of Assholes, except for everyone who was at our show. Mark, Timmy the Turtle, and I went to see Clint Eastwood's Magnum Opus "Letter's From Iwo Jima" and left the theater giggling because one of the Horses in the film was named "Uranus"

Something about Sherpa and Yeti's in Breckinridge...I swear, there was something...It's on the tip of my tongue...oh yeah, YOU PEOPLE ARE SCUM, STOP SPITTING ON US..Uh...Vail Kicked ass! oh yes it freakin did. As did Colorado Springs...crazy bunch that lives in that town

And...Mark and I spent the last leg of the tour in Vegas gambling at the Asian themed place on the strip that has the "Dealertainers"

...you know the Elvis and Marilyn and James Dean bastards dealing 21 on the casino floor?

AND NOW WE COME TO OUR 2008 TOUR SWEEPSTAKES!!!

for the life of me I cannot remember the name of the place...

If you are the first to name it, then you and three friends have got yourselves FREE PASSES to the 2008 Colorado Snow tour show of your choice! I may even convince Mark to give you some clothes or stuff, we'll see

Pretty good huh...told you I was a nice guy, Ha!

Until soon my Friends, Ryan

Hello my beloved blog readers, Trusty Word Savvy Drummer Farrell here with the latest and greatest in this issue of the much anticipated:

Guttermouth Memories, Costa Rica!!!

First of all my friends and foes, the country crammed between the pestilent cheeks of Panama and Nicaragua south of the American border lovingly referred to as Costa Rica, perhaps may be one of the greatest fuckin' places on earth…top five easy!

The Beaches!

The Rainforest !

The Monkeys!

The Weather!

The Women!

The Beer…not so much

But the Fucking Liquor! Aye! Muy Bien!

Kevin, Don, Scott and I flew into this Hamlet of heaven on a warm Thursday morning
And due to the debilitating effects of airport alcohol and jet lag I lost my phone in the airport (I also Bought and Paid for a McDonald's value meal, which I then left sitting at the serving counter for no good reason, and then I apparently walked out of an airport liquor shop with a bottle of Don Julio which I forgot to Buy and pay for…hmmm)

We four vagabonds spent the next 4 hours sleeping and mentally preparing for what would prove to be the best Punk Show I have been to in some years.

Meanwhile, In Adkins Land: Mark arrived three days before us and began his own personal journey through the "Rich Coast" by drinking a bottle of something on the airplane…a bottle of something at the hotel…sleeping…doing interviews for Costa Rican television with a bottle of something…and then three days later meeting us at our luxurious hotel with a bottle of something for each of us…That Adkins, he sure is…well…something

The Show: the show was located in San Jose proper in what Don would refer to as a "kickass little traditional Spanish Bar with way too many fuckin lights…whats with the fucking lights?" Don can be prickly…and cuddly…oh so cuddly.

Local Costa Rican acts kicked off the show, and Orange County's own New Skool Kings kicked the crap out of the place and made it sweat right before we were scheduled to go on (check these kids out, good punk band)
We arrive at the club…it wasn't far…just downstairs, and before we even start playing Costa Ricans start singing our songs to us with a romantic Latin flare "On a Juesday Afternoong, Mi Mama Arrive a mi room…you get the idea"

We start playing…holy balls!

Someone picked up Scott mid-set and held him in the air for a whole chorus of Bruce Lee vs. the Kiss Army…I was fucking shocked

Mark, Don, And Kevin all spent more time floating in the crowd than they did on stage…while most of the kids spent the majority of their time on stage instead of in the crowd…again, I was shocked

Mark took the liberty during the set of jumping off of everything…the rafters…the speakers…Don.

But nothing Mark does surprises me...ok pretty much everything he has ever done has surprised me…shock again

Bottom line: An American Punk Rock Band had to come all the way to Costa Rica to play a real punk show…thank you Costa Rica

However, my friends, the rest of the story will have to wait to be exposed as soon as I write my "all-inclusive tell-all life-story-novel-thingy" that I may or may not spit out...someday. But until then here are some teasers for all of you inquisitive scamps out there:

Columbians!

Mexicans!

Champagne!

Bouncers!

Anger!

Shotguns!

Skateboards!

banging a Cuban Chick!

And that's all for now my beloved readers, we must thank the Kincer family without all of whom this trip would have not been possible, the New Skool Kings and everyone who played and came to the show. Genuinely my friends, from all of us at Guttermouth, thank you.

Well everybody out there in Cyberland I finally have the time to sit down and write a proper update about our Australian adventure and let me tell ya, the memories are coming at me like sagging tits at an Aerosmith concert.

We all got really drunk before the plane ride to Oz and largely don't remeber anything about it...except for the fact that Ryan started drunkenly blacked out sleep babbling and nearly forced the plane to divert to Honolulu for fear that he was dying or something. He was ok though, aside from being just reallly stupid.

The Whole crew started drinking around 10:00 a.m. Australia time (probably 8 o'clock at night state time) in a valient effort to fight off the jet lagging effects of a 14 hour plane ride...it worked...it REALLY worked

The Coolangata hotel crowd were all drunk and they smashed Ryan's glasses (granted he fell off the stage and they in turn fell off his face...again, he's not terribly bright)

Mark and the Fattest man in Brisbane nearly got in a fistfight on stage at the Tivoli. Mark called him out and realized he had bitten off more than he could chew as soon as this behemoth of a man stepped on stage and dwarfed Mark's 6 foot tall frame with all 300 plus pounds of Fat Australian him. Luckily the fella was a jolly fat man...not the mean kind, and disaster was narrowly averted.

Footy is really cool...I can't say that enough times

Sydney was a huge and happy show...except for all the ska fans

Kevin and Ryan were wandering around Surfer's paradise with a gut full of Guiness and Jameson whisky singing Irish folk songs and barfing along the street. Our Friend in Australia, Darren Hawthorne, said that Kevin won the "drunkest American ever award" and Darren would know. The capper was when Kevin mistakenly wandered into Scott and Don's room thinking it was his own and filled the hotle balcony with a lake stout and spirit vomit before passing out on Scott's bed...right after he barfed on it.

Don was wearing a guttermouth girlie t-shirt first day in Country upside down with his balls hanging out the bottom...I've never laughed so hard in my life, I don't think any of us have.

Reel Big fish are fun guys, and we appreciate playing and hanging out with them. We also have to give thanks to Chugg entertainment and especially Darren Hawthorne for makin our trip very unforgettable. We'd also like to thank Tom, Milo, and Matt with Reel Big fish for helping us out above and beyond the call of duty. More stories will come as soon as I can clear the jet lagged fog from my brain.

Cheers, G