I cant sleep.
It's been a year. (not since I slept) But a year since we lost my friend Kirk who died from an overdose. He was on many medications and drank heavily w them for a very long time. No one was surprised and expected as much sooner or later. A handful of years back he had shot himself in the head and lived but lost his eyesight. He was one of only 11 people to receive "cybernetic eyes" that would allow him to see again. But it was very new technology...could only see large shadow pixels basically...till upgrades and advances were made each year. The headaches were unbearable for him tho...as was the emotional side of things....
Tonight was the 1st night I had used a blanket I had gotten from the house, from his bed, after he died when I helped his parents clean out his house. I didn't even think of the relevance of that in contrast to how close to the anniversary it is...till I woke up repeatedly from crazy dreams about cyborgs and how I was trying to find a way to make major advances in cybernetic technology...with probes and circuit boards and wires in peoples heads and hands connected to eyes and nerve endings..it was intense.
My boyfriend slept (is sleeping) fitfully and was acting weird....like unusual behavior weird...all evening.
Theres another thing too...this song was playing on repeat in my dreams:
Joe Cocker Can't Find my Way Home"
Come down off your throne and leave your body alone.
Somebody must change.
You are the reason I've been waiting so long.
Somebody holds the key.
[Chorus:]
But I'm near the end and I just ain't got the time
And I'm wasted and I can't find my way home.
Come down on your own and leave your body alone.
Somebody must change.
You are the reason I've been waiting all these years.
Somebody holds the key.
[Chorus]
But I can't find my way home.
But I can't find my way home.
But I can't find my way home.
But I can't find my way home.
Still I can't find my way home,
And I ain't done nothing wrong,
But I can't find my way home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Seems fitting, doesn't it? Why would this song pop in my head?
As pretty and sentimental as that blanket is I may not be able to use it anymore. I dunno. Maybe i need to get it "spiritually cleansed"...maybe its got some residual energy left clinging to it.
But I feel some of Kirks pained energy is here.
I wonder if he knows how much I loved him.
How much everyone loved him...
I mean clearly he didnt when he was alive... but does he now?
Is he trying to reach me thru my dreams to tell me he's lost?
Or is that residual stuff Im just remembering because of contact with one of his very personal things?
Maybe I'll just go sit in his chair and talk to him. (One of the things earmarked for me when he died was a beautiful red velvet and gold trimmed chair. Everyone said Kirk would have wanted me to have it)
I think about him often. He was a very very special person. One of a kind. There are so many things that made him so special. From his kind gentle works with retarded children to his love of music to his visual work on films, videos and tv, pyrotechnics and art...not to mention just his every day playfulness and charm and ability to love... I could be here all morning.
I wish I could help him find his way home.
R.I.P Kirk Morgan - aka "Nasty"
I Miss You. I Love You.
