Reading & sound effects offered by Dirkbag...
http://anewtone.com/dirkbag/MyMidnightChild.mp3

it's 12 am
i lie in bed
waiting to sleep
a random phrase
crosses my mind

it means something
or nothing
but it's there
and it won't rest
and it grows

it's picking up speed
and more friends
now it's a sentence
a much longer string
of silly words
that must mean
something
important

now the light is on
the dim red one
by the bed
that really isn't for reading
or writing
at 12 am

a notepad
is around here
somewhere
it's yellow and old
and my pencil
has no eraser
signs
of how much
writing i don't do

the words are so
specific
one will not fit
but another one
will
try again
the message is coming...

i think to myself
how interesting
this never happens
this must be what it's like
for an artist
who can't help it
ideas
just show up
simmer around
and pour out
into the night

and then suddenly
without much effort
there she is
my midnite child
of words
i'm the single parent
of an unexpected lesson

my mind is still
the words are out
where they asked to be
not stuck in my head
in a frenzy

it's 1 am
i lie in bed
i can rest now
with a smile
and i have realized
creation happens
to the artist
not of the artist

but what did the child say?

So ... the Giants beat the Cowboys in the Playoffs, sending them on their way to an opportunity to beat the f$%ing crap out of the Patriots -- a chance every team had all season. No team did. And no one thought it would happen, but lo and behold, they put those self-righteous, cheating New Englanders in their place. Hah!

Obviously, I had a hard time cheering for EITHER side in this Super Bowl. Do I cheer for the Giants after they knocked us out of the running? Or do I cheer for the Patriots because "it would be so Awesome for a team to go completely undefeated in an entire season"? ... Naaa. I say neither. I had fully intended to cheer against both sides. Now ... that is practically impossible. I mean, you have to root for SOMEONE, don't you? ...

Well, as this game was basically the most boring Super Bowl EVER, as far as Super Bowls go, I only began to cheer for the Giants in the 3rd quarter. My friend who was here to watch with me had a sort of "go for the Patriots" thing going because she hates the Giants more than she hates the Patriots. That's kind of like voting for the guy you hate the least for President. =)

I might have been there, AT the Super Bowl, if … IF … the Cowboys hadn't allowed that final interception. Had they not let the entire game be such a close call. At least that playoff game didn't include another "botched Romo snap"… UGH. {Painfull}

Did I mention I was THERE? IN DALLAS, to watch them in the PLAYOFFS??? My 5th season as a fan and I am AT a PLAYOFF GAME. YEAH baby... I had the best f$%ing time even though they LOST! It was my first Cowboys home game and it was freaking awesome. =) I walked every inch of that stadium, went down to the end zone to get a close-up view of the field, saw T.O. make his warm-up lap around the field while everyone cheered (shit, the guy gets a standing ovation for RUNNING... hahaha), checked out all the consessions, took a ton of pictures, wore all the swag I could layer on, had a blue star painted on my finger nail for Christ sake! ... I enjoyed every minute. =) 

Whatever. I was NOT there in Arizona. I did NOT spend upwards of $1,500 of my hard-earned cash to go to the Super Bowl. Not this year. However, I DO plan to attend a Super Bowl in an upcoming year. That is to say, I fully EXPECT the Cowboys to get that close again, and actually GO. I'm sure they will. =)

Bottom line: the Patriots are crying in their Wheaties about now. And I'm happy for Eli. It was cool to see his brother in the crowd cheering for him, and the reaction on all the fans faces at that final touchdown with 36 seconds to go in the 4^th. THAT was exciting. THAT is what football is all ABOUT!

The overall game could have been better, but history has been made. The undefeated Patriots have been defeated afterall, and the Dolphins are drinking champagne. Good for them. =)

The phrase "I miss you" is underrated, misused, and misunderstood. Some people don't like to say it because they might come across as being needy. Some people say it too much and it loses its meaning. Missing someone or something, in my world, usually translates into a feeling of nostalgia...  And I say it when I mean it, whatever the situation may be.

Last Christmas, I sent an email to my mom describing how I felt a little "blah" about everything. At that point, I lived alone for the first time, my family was more spread out than I had realized, friends had slowly spread out in the world to live their lives, and I felt disconnected from things that I count as important. The solution came by way of baking Gramma's banana bread and listening to Chipmunk Christmas. =)

This Christmas, I feel a bit of nostalgia for certain times, people, places, and events from my past. I don't feel disconnected, but the feeling of missing things has crept in, none the less. So I feel compelled to list some things, people, and times in my life, that hold a special place in my heart. <3

From my Childhood Christmas Past, I miss:

Gramma's apple pie, even though I never really liked apple pie; I miss the idea of her making it every holiday, and I miss seeing how much my mom enjoyed baking with her mom, and how good it smelled in the oven.

Creeping into Gramma's room to wake her up at the crack of dawn. She always slept with no pillow, flat on her back, snoring like a chain saw.

The look on my mom's face when she finally came out of her room to open presents. We were supposed to "be quiet" until at least 7 a.m. But of course we'd whisper REALLY LOUDLY and walk back and forth to the kitchen, past my mom's bedroom door, LOUDLY, way more times than necessary. And she'd finally come out with puffy eyes and messy hair, and give us "the look"… And we'd say "Oh, good, you're already up?!"

Opening a ridiculous amount of presents (that I have no idea how my mom afforded for us every year), and leaving all the wrapping paper out all over the room, a sea of crumpled colorful craziness, and then letting the cats in to play hide and seek in it.

Having our individual spots "staked out" in the living room, where we'd each stash our loot. I remember, my brother Ronnie liked the staircase, and he'd be up there playing with the 1^st toy he opened for an hour, even though he had 100 more to open.

From my More Recent Christmas Past, I miss:

Going to IHOP in the early morning in pajamas with Ronnie and my friend Laura, to stall and let mom sleep in. I'm sure she loved us for it, but when we got home she still came out with puffy eyes and messy hair and "the look". At least we'd come back with donuts.

Having Uncle Gregg over on Christmas Eve for dinner and exchanging gifts, going to see a Sci-Fi movie at the late showing and afterwards staying up way too late drinking 7 & 7...


So... I didn't finish the list, but you get the idea. Happy Holidays everyone! <3

The Gray-Wheelwright-Winer 4-letter Type Indicator Test

Main Characteristics

ENFJ's are outstanding leaders of groups, both task groups and growth groups. They have the charming characteristic of seeming to take for granted that they will be followed, never doubting that people will want to do what they suggest. And, more often than not, people do, because this type has unusual charisma. ENFJ's place a high value on cooperation from others and are most willing to cooperate themselves.

Found in only 5 percent of the general population, ENFJ's place people as being of highest importance and priority. As a result, ENFJ's may find themselves feeling responsible for the feelings of others to an extent which places a burden on the relationship. An ENFJ communicates caring, concern, and a willingness to become involved. Thus people turn to ENFJ's for nurture and support, which an ENFJ is usually able to deliver. At times, however, these kinds of demands can overwhelm ENFJ's, who find at this point that they lack the skills to dissociate. ENFJ's do not seem able to turn away from these demands even when they become unreasonable. Or, if forced to let go of the burden through sheer unavailability of time or energy, ENFJ's experience a guilt all out of proportion to the realities of the commitment made to the relationship.

ENFJ's are especially vulnerable to idealizing interpersonal relationships, raising these relationships to a plane which seldom can sustain the realities of human nature. Because of this tendency to raise interpersonal relations to the ideal, ENFJ's may unwittingly overpower their friends, who believe that they cannot possible live up to an ENFJ's perception of them. The fact is, ENFJ's are extraordinarily tolerant of others, seldom critical, and always trustworthy.

ENFJ's take communication for granted and believe that they are understood and that their communications are accepted. Just as they themselves are accepting, so do they assume that others are the same. When ENFJ's find that their position or beliefs were not comprehended or accepted, they are surprised, puzzled, and sometimes hurt. Fortunately, this does not happen with high frequency, as ENFJ's have a remarkable fluency with language, especially in speech; they are particularly adept when communicating face-to-face as opposed to communicating in writing. They are influential, therefore, in groups, having no hesitation about speaking out, no matter how large or small the group may be.

ENFJ's have an unusual ability to relate to others with empathy, taking into themselves the characteristics, emotions, and beliefs of others. This can pose a danger for ENFJ's because they can unconsciously over-identify with others and pick up their burdens as if they were their own. In the process, ENFJ's may risk their own sense of identity. They have a natural ability to mimic because of this highly developed ability to empathize by interjection. They are likely to be very concerned about the problems of those close to them, but they also may get as deeply involved in the problems of those not so close and may find themselves over-extended emotionally.

ENFJ's would do well to follow their hunches, for their intuition tends to be well developed. Decisions made purely on the basis of logic may not be so sound, and checking with a person who has a strong T preference might be at times advisable for the ENFJ. In the framework of values, however, the ENFJ is on a certain ground. Generally, they know what they prefer and can read other people with outstanding accuracy. Seldom is an ENFJ wrong about the motivations or intent of another, hidden or not.

Career

This longing for the perfect carries over into the careers of ENFJ's, who experience some degree of restlessness whatever their jobs. And, as with ENFP's, ENFJ's have a wide range of occupations which offer success. Being verbally adept, ENFJ's contribute to an unusual level when dealing with people, particularly face-to-face; the media, the ministry, and the stage and screen are populated with successful ENFJ's. They make superior therapists, charismatic teachers, excellent executives, and personalized salespersons. Areas that would not permit utilization of the interactional talents of ENFJ's for example, accounting, should be avoided; otherwise, almost any people-to-people occupation where personal, sustained contact is involved capitalizes on the personality of an ENFJ.

ENFJ's like to have things settled and organized. They prefer to plan both work and social engagements ahead and tend to be absolutely reliable in honoring these commitments. ENFJ's are very much at home in complex situations which require the juggling of much data. At the same time, they can handle people with charm and concern. ENFJ's are usually popular wherever they are. Their ability to be comfortable either leading or following makes them easy to have around, whatever the situation. A well-developed ENFJ group leader can provide, almost endlessly, activities for groups to engage in with almost no preplanning and can find adequate roles for members of the group to play. In some, this can amount to genius which other types find hard to emulate. In this ability to organize without planning there is a certain similarity to an ESFJ, but the latter acts more as a master of ceremonies than as a leader of groups. The ESFJ is more of a recreational leader, who insures that each member has fun at a party and that the right things are expressed at social occasions, especially institutional social occasions such as a wedding. ESFJ's, value harmonious human relations above all else; but ENFJ's are not so easily crushed by indifference as are ESFJ's and are more independent of other's valuations.

Home

ENFJ's are socially adept and make excellent companions and mates. They also are deeply devoted to their children, yet tend not to be domineering to either the children or mate. In fact, the ENFJ is so even-tempered that he or she can be victimized by a mate who might have become more and more demanding.

ENFJ mates always try to please and feel personally responsible when home life does not go smoothly. They are tireless in their efforts to see that it does, providing generously from available income, time, and energy. This dedication often exists, however, side by side with an ENFJ's dream of the perfect relationship - a characteristic of all NF's, but one which is particularly strong in an ENFJ. Thus an ENFJ has that longing for the ideal that results in a vague dissatisfaction with whatever is in the way of relationships, mating as well as friendships.

Midlife

At midlife, ENFJ's might want to expand their capabilities toward introverted activities such as reading, gardening, painting. They also may want to increase their sensitivity to classical music, subtleties of fine foods and beverages, beginning to develop ever-increasing discriminations of fineness among fine things. Already likely to be a gourmet, an ENFJ might become a connoisseur art collector, for example, or an expert of medieval tapestries. Also, the development further of intellectual capabilities might interest ENFJ's at midlife, perhaps taking the direction of formal study. ENFJ's have the ability to appreciate both people and nature, and more time spent in travel might be gratifying, particularly if this was used as an opportunity to collect works of art.

Mates

Who can complement this growth-catalyst? The opposite on the S side is ISTP, the "artisan." It is not difficult to see how the teacher inherent in the ENFJ would want to "bring out" the craftsman in the ISTP. The artisan, however, has another side to his nature that pops up occasionally and in some cases is a life theme: adventure and exploration. The ISTP can, so to speak, be wayward, take off for parts unknown. It is difficult to imagine a similar desire on the part of the ENFJ to bring out a sense of adventure.

The ENFJ, on the intuitive side, finds the INTP attractive. Nowhere is a splendid target for our catalyst, for beneath the cool, collected, detached, and doubting exterior lies an architect of buildings, machines, tools, operations, tactics, languages, mathematics, or whatever can be designed. If, that is, this latently capable designer can be "activated" or "brought out".

Go vegetarian to save money...

Staples such as rice, corn and beans can make trips to a grocery store less expensive. But the biggest savings may come in health-care costs years later.

What visitor to Whole Foods (aka "Whole Paycheck") hasn't stared in slack-jawed wonder at bluefoot mushrooms imported from Europe ($39.99 per pound), off-season organic grapefruit from Texas ($2.49 per softball-size fruit), organic almond butter ($14.99 a pound) or pine nuts ($13.99 a pound)?

In a world of $1 double cheeseburgers, it's no wonder that many people suspect that a vegetarian diet is more expensive than one that includes meat.

But that's generally not true. And though it's difficult to tally the savings of illnesses or diseases avoided with a plant-based diet, the financial worth of good health is unquestionable.

Vegetarianism could extend your life by several years, as well as lower your risk of heart disease, cancer and dementia. It's better for the planet, reducing water usage and global-warming gases. And it certainly improves the health of the cow or pig you would have devoured.

The cost depends largely on what course of vegetarianism you choose to follow:

Many people keep a diet that's known as mostly vegetarian -- a typical American diet minus the red meat. Vegetarians drop poultry and seafood.
A lacto-vegetarian eats dairy products.
An ovo-vegetarian eats eggs.
A pescetarian eats fish.
A vegan eats no animal products at all.
A fruitarian eats only fruit.

Basics are easy on the wallet...

Most of the staples of a vegetarian diet are cheap. In fact, most of the world's people eat a mostly vegetarian diet made up of inexpensive commodities such as beans, rice and corn.

If you drop red meat, poultry and fish from your diet, you'll find plant proteins cheaper than the equivalent amount of animal protein. The cheapest cuts of beef, such as ground round, average $3 per pound in U.S. cities (lean and extra lean); boneless chicken breasts cost $3.40 a pound; and canned tuna is about $2 per pound.

Contrast that with dried beans and lentils at less than $1 a pound and rice well below $1 per pound. (Although Whole Foods offers expensive wild rice at $6.99 a pound, it also has basic brown rice for 69 cents per pound. And though pine nuts are exorbitant, you can get sunflower seeds, with nearly the same amount of protein, at a fraction of the price.)

Even tofu, the chicken of the vegetarian world, is usually well under $2 a pound.

But when you try to dress up plants as meat, costs skyrocket. Soy hot dogs, for example, cost $5 a pound; turkey hot dogs are less than half that.

Fresh, canned, frozen or organic...

Produce is little trickier to compare, largely because vegetarians consume a much greater volume. (Most Americans now eat only three servings a day, on average, compared with the seven to nine servings recommended for optimum health.)

The prices of fruits and vegetables vary widely with the season and source. Locally grown fruits and vegetables are sometimes cheaper than those imported from far away and can be much cheaper in summer when there's an abundance. Of course, canned and frozen varieties are available year-round.

If you take the plunge into organics, the price may double or triple compared with nonorganic produce. Why does organic produce cost so much more? The answer is that organic fruits and veggies are usually not grown on an industrial scale, so efficiencies aren't as great. There are also significant costs involved in switching farmland from nonorganic to organic status. And there's a lot more manual labor involved, such as weeding by hand.

A payoff in better health...

In the long run, no matter how much you spend on a vegetarian or semivegetarian diet, you'll likely see a payoff in better health, lower risk of chronic disease and reduced health-care costs compared with someone who eats a typical American diet.

"Years of poor nutrition habits can lead to chronic disease," said Ryan Andrews, a dietitian and exercise physiologist with the Johns Hopkins Weight Management Center in Baltimore. "These chronic diseases can have tremendous costs leading into old age. A bypass surgery or angioplasty procedure can cost nearly $60,000."

Health insurance carriers have begun urging lifestyle changes to reduce the risk of chronic disease -- and, not incidentally, soaring health-care costs. Those are estimated to be climbing 6% a year, an "unsustainable level," said Scott Forslund, the communications director for Premera Blue Cross, which serves Washington state and Alaska.

Heart disease is the major target of this effort, so Premera is starting a program to educate the people it insures about the importance of controlling blood pressure, cholesterol, body mass index and blood sugar. Research shows that a more plant-based diet improves all of these key health indicators.

"The connection between a vegetarian diet and reducing the costs of these high-impact health conditions is clear as a bell," Forslund said.

But there are no discounts for practicing vegetarianism under the current system.

If your healthful habits prevent a chronic disease, your insurance company or employer saves money. What about you? Well, savings may come your way in the form of pocketing the co-insurance fees you would have paid for doctor visits or medication. If you have a health savings account or individual catastrophic plan, you'll definitely save by staying healthier.

Better quality of life...

Dollars and cents aside, how much is it worth to live without heart disease, cancer or diabetes for the last decades of your life? How much is it worth to lower your risk of dying?

Life insurance companies actually put a figure on it. Most companies require a fairly extensive physical exam before issuing a private policy. Although they don't ask about diet, they look at cholesterol, blood sugar, body mass index, blood pressure, family history and tobacco use. People they consider the healthiest -- those at the least risk of dying -- will be charged roughly half the annual premium of someone on the other end of the scale. For a 54-year-old man with a $1 million policy over 20 years, that would amount to $2,500 a year versus $5,000.

With this kind of savings, you could afford to buy a few ounces of bluefoot mushrooms -- or an occasional organic, grass-fed, beef tenderloin at $26.99 a pound.

Here are a few practical tips on how to save money with a vegetarian or mostly vegetarian diet:

If you include an occasional piece of flesh (of whatever kind) in your diet, try to limit yourself to four or five ounces, which is about the size of a deck of cards.

If you want to buy private life insurance, wait until you've been on a vegetarian diet long enough to improve your key health indicators (body mass index, cholesterol, etc.). It could save you thousands of dollars when an insurer reviews the results of your physical.

If you can't afford or prefer not to buy organic produce, remember that most experts think the nutritional benefits of eating conventionally grown fruits and vegetables outweigh the possible negative effects of pesticide residues.

Same Choices, Same Results

Repeated bouts of adversity are an unavoidable aspect of human existence. We battle against our inner struggles or outer world forces, and in many cases, we emerge on the opposite side of struggle stronger and better equipped to cope with the challenges yet to come. However, we can occasionally encounter trials that seem utterly hopeless. We strike at them with all of our creativity and perseverance, hoping desperately to bring about change, only to meet with the same results as always. Our first instinct in such situations is often to push harder against the seemingly immovable obstruction before us, assuming that this time we will be met with a different outcome. But staying power and stamina net us little when the same choices consistently garner the same results. A change in perspective, behavior, or response can do so much more to help us move past points where no amount of effort seems sufficient to overcome the difficulties before us.

Whether our intention is to change ourselves or some element of the world around us, we cannot simply wish for transformation or hope that our lives will be altered through circumstance. If our patterns of thought and behavior remain unchanged, our lives will continue to unfold much as they have previously. Patterns in which fruitless efforts prevail can be overcome with self examination and courage. It is our bravery that allows us to question the choices we have made thus far and to channel our effort into innovation. Asking questions and making small adjustments to your thought processes and behaviors will help you discover what works, so you can leave that which does not work behind you. To break free from those unconscious patterns that have long held sway over your actions and reactions, you will likely have to challenge your assumptions on a most basic level. You must accept once and for all that your beliefs with regard to cause and effect may no longer be in accordance with your needs.

Stagnation is often a sign that great changes are on the horizon. Courting the change you wish to see in yourself and in the world around you is a matter of acknowledging that only change begets change. The results you so ardently want to realize are well within the realm of possibility, and you need only step away from the well-worn circular path to explore the untried paths that lie beyond it.

THE TIMING OF THESE MESSAGES IS FREAKING ME OUT!!

Today's Daily OM ...

Healthy Barriers

As relationships evolve, lives gradually become entwined. We tend to have a great deal in common with the people who attract us, and our regard for them compels us to trust their judgment. While our lives may seem to run together so smoothly that the line dividing them cannot be seen, we remain separate beings. To disregard these barriers is to sacrifice independence. It is our respect for the fact that our lives exist independently of the lives of others that allows us to set emotional and physical boundaries, to explore our interests and capabilities even when people close to us do not understand our partialities, and agree to disagree. Maintaining healthy barriers is a matter of recognizing the point at which our principles and those of our loved ones and peers no longer overlap.

Human beings must relentlessly fight the temptation to follow the crowd. Naturally, we want to be liked, accepted, and admired, and it often seems that the easiest way to win approval is to ally ourselves with others. When we assume that our standards are the same as those of the people close to us without first examining our own intentions, we do ourselves a disservice. The barriers that exist between us are a reminder that our paths in life will be unique, and we must each accept that "I" and "we" can coexist peacefully. Our reactions, our likes and dislikes, our loves, our goals, and our dreams may or may not align with those of others, but we should neither ask others to embrace what we hold dear nor feel compelled to embrace what they hold dear.

As you learn to define yourself as an emotionally and intellectually distinct individual, you will grow to appreciate your autonomy. However much you enjoy the associations that bind you to others and provide you with a sense of identity, your concept of self will ultimately originate in your own soul. The healthy barriers that tell you where you end and the people around you begin will give you the freedom to pursue your development apart from those whose approval you might otherwise be tempted to seek out. Others will continue to play a role in your existence, but their values will not direct its course, and the relationships you share will remain marvelously balanced and harmonious as a result.