april 22, 2006 is looking like it may be the crowning day of the year, and possibly beyond.

everything seemed a little easier when we weren't one hundred miles apart...

it seems that everyone i've been talking to tonight has been bitten by the lonely bug (thanks bex, haha). i haven't really written much of anything in awhile, either in here or in my livejournal. i probably should make writing more habitual, but i'm too tired and/or lazy these days to execute anything of substance.

valentine's day is in a week, and this of course leads to inevitable feelings of loneliness, inadequacy, and an overall shittiness in the air. tonight was an awesome night - spent it with my mom discussing politics, religion, and my nonexistant lovelife over dinner. came back and watched the new jim gaffigan dvd "beyond the pale," so i was primarily in good spirits. but then my mind and my heart got the best of me, and i started thinking about how i am truly convinced that i am doomed to a lifetime of loneliness.

as much as i try to put on a happy face most of the time, i fully believe that i'm one of those people that just isn't meant to be with anyone. it sincerely bothers me that, out of my circle of friends from high school, i am the only one that hasn't had a boyfriend in the duration of our friendship. there are very few people that seem to share this issue with me, and i always ask myself - where did we go wrong? what do we have that they don't want? what do they want that we don't have?

ever since middle school, i've always been "one of the guys," and i'm afraid that that is the title that i am going to be stuck with for the rest of my life. perhaps that is my own fault...i've always kind of prided myself on not being like most girls. i curse a lot, i'm not cute, i'm tough (to a certain extent), i can usually hold my ground. i'm strong-willed, and set in my beliefs and am ready to defend them against whoever disagrees. i despise drama, but i can usually embrace conflict pretty well. i'm smart and i have a good head on my shoulders. i have self-respect. despite all of these qualities, i do feel like i am a lesser person. maybe some of these qualities - the strength and passion that i have within myself - scare people away?

since i've always been "one of the guys," i think that is why i may misread people (specifically guys) and their intentions. girls that are used to attention from guys don't blow things out of proportion the way that i do. they have a field of experience that may allow them to decipher the difference between friendship signals and romantic signals. but, since i haven't had a "real" boyfriend, i don't have a basis of comparison to be able to tell the difference. i place so much emphasis on pet names and affection - i fall for these things so easily because they've never been easily accessible to me. whenever they do happen, it's a huge deal because it's a change of pace from my bleak and uneventful norm.

i'm addicted to the idea of being loved. thankfully, i've been blessed with a network of amazing friends that are loving and supportive. as much as i love them, and think/hope they love me back, my problem still isn't solved. all of the great shows, late night diner trips, and long drives in the world cannot fill this void. this is not any fault of theirs, but i want something that simply isn't offered exclusively from them. sometimes, i just need someone to love that is willing to not only have these experiences, but share them with my friends.

years ago, i would've blamed all of this on myself, and i still partially do. i'd try to mold myself to be more girly, weaker, and more tractable if i truly believed that it would work in my favor. i'm above that mentality now, though. not only do i not think it would work, but i'm not willing to sacrifice my strength in order to cater to whatever society deems that i should be. rather, i'm just going to keep going, and enjoying being who i am (despite the downfalls) and just hope and pray that, one day, some guy can appreciate that without feeling like i need to change to fit into a stereotype.

this is in no way a revelation, or a new outlook, or even an inkling of a feeling that i think that my loneliness is going to be cured anytime soon. i'm just positive that i'm not willing to stoop down in order to find the love that i feel that i deserve.

i woke up to my cold sheets and the smell of new jersey. when do i get to wake up to you?

christopher conley will never leave my side.

today, i turn twenty years old. i'm no longer a teenager, and it's the weirdest thing in the world.

i feel like i have maybe missed out on a lot of the things i was supposed to do as a teenager. sadly, i may have had the chances; but i wasted them all away on people who, frankly, don't seem to even care about me at times. my teenage years were spent giving all i had to people, and getting a fraction back in return. i've never been one to ask for anything back, but now i'm feeling like i sacrificed a lot of integrity and acquired a lot of heartache because i gave so much of myself to people, and never saw anything in return. and by anything, i simply mean respect.

hopefully, this all ends today. i could barely sleep last night because i was thinking so much about the past, the present, and the future. the things i missed out on because i spent so much time priding myself in not being like my peers. chances of new friends, boyfriends, romance...if i could have retrieved that, i wouldn't have even known it. i was blinded by judgement of others. i've never had a real, steady job. my mom has always been more than willing to provide for me, and make me comfortable. as much as i appreciate that, it makes me feel worthless, and sort of behind everyone else that has to suffer through a job that they hate.

things really looked up for me when i got out of high school, and met some amazing friends that at least seem to care about me as much as i care about them. i still have some amazing best friends from high school (becca, george, brian, mike), but i met some more people that i think about everyday, and can't imagine not having them in my life. i can't imagine how my life would be without lauren, rob, allison, ashleigh...there are so many more that i can't even begin to count. all of these people have changed my life for the better. without many of them, i feel like i would've missed out on a lot of fun and adventure that was well-needed after a long, tedious, and depressing high school career.

part of my reflection and sadness is the fact that i have been single for way too long, and it seems like it's going to stay that way for awhile. hell, i don't necessarily even need a boyfriend, just someone to play the part of one without the actual title. i miss having someone to talk to into the am hours. i miss nightly phone calls and inside jokes. i miss waking up and seeing a person that made the day worth waking up for. i miss the slim chance, but the high hope that somehow, things were going to work out for me and a specific boy. i've got some amazing friends to keep me going, but there are just times when you need something more. i feel like my wait has been excessive, and i've basically given up hope in actually being with someone that i'd legitimately want to be with. does it change after twenty, by any chance?

i'm not unhappy with what i have. in fact, i consider myself extremely lucky and blessed to have all of the things and people that i do. i am just hoping that the future holds whatever is going to fill these gaps.

this is my first real entry on here, and most certainly not my last. it's time for a new beginning.