The surprise party was really great, I've never had one before. It was the first one I've ever had in my life.

Well, it was hard to keep it a secret between the kids and your sister and wheels.

Nah, I know. All week I kept saying to the kids "Yanno, this is a big birthday" and they were basically ignoring me.

I know, they didnt want to give it away.

And then I says to wheels "Am I gonna see you on my birthday?" and he's like "I'll be around." so I figured alright, just go along with the program.

You were really surprised though, right?

Completely.

Where are you guys now?

We're in Milwaukee, I'm playin Jokerz tonight.

And last nights show was great?

I blew Chicago away, just like I told ya. And the new material, that Middle East stuff I told ya about? The people went crazy...I'm the best!

You really are, and I knew that material would kill. Anyway, I gotta pick the kids up now. The animals that were jumping all over the bed last night and would not let me go to sleep.

They are not so little anymore. Anyway, go ahead, go to the grocery store, buy some new milk & bread. Have some fun.

Yeah Andrew...that sounds like a real blast. Why didn't you have me open up for you on this trip?

Eleanor, I havent been on the road for awhile, so I figured I would take Wheels. He's a man.

So women cant go on the road because they're "not a man"?

I'm lookin to have fun.

I'm not fun?!?

You are...but not the way...you think you are.

Well how am I fun? Tell me how I'm fun.

You're fun like...girls are fun. Ya know.

No, I dont know. That made no sense at all. You make no sense at all. I cant figure out why I even talk to you still.

Show you when I get home, honey.

Yeah, I know. That's what they all say.

What does that mean?

Gotta go!

AS ALOT OF YOU CAN SEE WE HAVE A RASCIST STALKER ON MY SITE HE GOES BY THE NAME "TASSOOOO"  THIS GUTLESS, SPINELESS, RACSIST, DECIDED THAT HE COULD WRITE WHATEVER HE FELT WITH NO REPROCUSSION. HE IS NOT A COMEDIAN, HE IS NOT A COMIC, HE IS NOT FUNNY IN ANY WAY OTHER THAN THE RIDICULOUS POSE ON HIS PROFILE PICTURE. A LITTLE TRICK THAT ANY FIVE YEAR OLD CAN DO. BUT FOR SOME REASON "TASSOOOO" FEELS THAT WE ARE ALL VERY IMPRESSED WITH HIS POSE, HIS HIDEOUS FACE, AND HIS HATRED FOR THE BLACK COMMUNITY. I ON THE OTHER HAND, DO NOT HATE AFRICAN AMERICANS. "TASSOOOO" HAS ALREADY BEEN REPORTED TO THE AUTHORITIES FOR THIS CRIME AND ALSO THE CRIME OF STALKING. IN THE LONG RUN "TASSOOOO" WILL PROBABLY WIND UP INSIDE SOME PENNETENTARY. NOW, LIKE I SAID IM JUST A COMEDIAN, MY JOB IS TO MAKE YOU ALL LAUGH. A JOB I LOVE TO DO. WHAT I SAY ONSTAGE IS COMEDIC SATIRE. WHAT "TASSOOOO" REEKS OF IS BIGOTRY AND THE HATRED AND LOATHING OF ANYONE THAT DOSENT HAVE THE SAME COLOR SKIN THAT HE DOES. IF I WANNA POSE IN MY PROFILE PICTURE WITH BLACK MEN, BLACK WOMEN, OR BLACK MIDGETS THATS MY CHOICE. YA SEE I DONT HATE BLACK PEOPLE, CHINESE, SPANISH, OR ANY OTHER RACE OR COLOR. WHAT I DO DESPISE IS THIS GUY "TASSOOOO" OR ANYBODY THAT THINKS LIKE HIM. NOW WHILE A CASE IS BEING BUILT TO PUT THIS PUKE BEHIND BARS, ALL OF YOU OUT THERE THAT HAVE BECOME MY FRIENDS ALSO HAVE THE RIGHT JUST AS "TASSOOOO" HAD TO WRITE YOUR FEELINGS ABOUT HIM ON MY PAGE HIS PAGE, AND EVERY PAGE YOU CAN REACH. ITS CALLED FREEDOM OF SPEECH. AND I FIGURE IF "TASSOOOO" SAYS HOW HE FEELS ABOUT ME AND MY AFRICAN AMERICAN FRIENDS THAN WE ALL HAVE THE RIGHT TO LET HIM KNOW WHAT WE FEEL ABOUT HIM WHETHER ON COMPUTER OR EVEN IN THE STREET. I MEAN HE'S GOTTA HAVE SOMEWHERE HE HIDES DURING THE DAY TO MAKE A FEW DOLLARS, TO PAY FOR HIS GYM MEMBERSHIP. THATS A GOOD IDEA IF YOU SEE HIM IN THE GYM ASK HIM TO DO THAT SILLY LITTLE POSE HE DOES ON A POLE. MAYBE HE'LL EVEN GO INTO MORE DEPTH ABOUT HIS THOUGHTS TOWARDS STALKING DICE AND HATING BLACK PEOPLE. ANYWAY "TASSOOOO" THIS IS COMING FROM ME "YOU ARE NOT JUST A LOSER IN THE GAME OF LIFE OBVIOUSLY YOU COME FROM A FAMILY OF ZERO'S THAT NEVER TAUGHT YOU ANYTHING OTHER THAN HATE SO SHAME ON THEM. BUT FUCK YOU FOR TRYIN TO FUCK WITH ME IM NOT JUST SOME KID ON MYSPACE. WHETHER YOU KNOW IT OR NOT IM CONSIDERED WHAT WOULD BE KNOW AS A WORLD STAR SO RIGHT KNOW YOU MIGHT ONLY SEE ELEVEN OR TWELVE THOUSAND FRIENDS ON MYSPACE BUT MY BLOGS ALONE GET BETWEEN 120-180 THOUSAND HITS PER DAY. THE ONLY REASON THERE HASENT BEEN ANY BLOGS LATELY IS BECAUSE IVE BEEN TOURING THE COUNRTY MAKING PEOPLE LAUGH SO FOR A LITTLE WHILE  IN THEIR LIVES THEY COULD FORGET THAT SCUM LIKE YOU... "TASSOOOO" EVEN EXIST IN THIS WORLD.  I DO HAVE SOMEONE WHO WORKS WITH ME TO PUT THE BLOGS UP PROPERLY. BUT VERY SHORTLY THERE WILL BE SOME VERY SPECIAL ONES ABOUT YOU. YOU LOW-LIFE, DO NOTHING, UNQUALIFIED, UNEDUCATED, SELF-HATING, RACSIST, GARBAGE. IF WE'RE LUCKY MAYBE YOULL RUN INTO A GROUP OF THE PEOPLE YOU HATE SO DEEPLY AND THEY WILL LET YOU KNOW HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT YOU. ANOTHER THING ABOUT MY BLOGS, OVER THE LAST FOUR MONTHS IVE HAD THREE OF THE TOP BLOGS IN THE WORLD. I ALMOST FEEL BAD THAT SO MANY MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WILL HAVE TO GET TO KNOW WHAT GARBAGE YOU REALLY ARE.  BUT THEN AGAIN "TASSOOOO" (AND BY THE WAY THE AUTHOROTIES DO HAVE YOUR GIVEN NAME ALREADY)  I DIDNT DO THIS TO YOU. YOU DID THIS TO YOU. LOTS OF LUCK OUT THERE IN THE NEW WORLD YOUVE CREATED FOR YOURSELF. ITS LIKE I TRY TO TELL PEOPLE AND FOR SOME REASON SOMETIMES I JUST HAVE TO MAKE THEM LISTEN...  NOBODY FUCKS WITH DICE... DICE DOES THE FUCKING"

                                                            SHALOM SHITHEAD YOUR INTERNET IDOL

                                                                                                     THE DICEMAN

I heard about last night. I feel so bad for him.

Nah, I know. He called me at like 3:30 in the morning. He was in such pain.

Could you imagine that? To have that kind of problem? How did it happen?

What happened was he woke up in the middle of the night and instead of picking the seat up he sat down on the toilet and his cock got caught in between the seat and the other part. He nearly crushed the whole fuckin' head.

Really?

Yeah, so I called the ambulance. They came over, put some ice packs on it and took him to the emergency room.

That's so crazy.

Yeah, what was funny was in the ambulance the paramedic didn't want to hold the ice on that big fucking cock head of his. The paramedic was so busy admiring the custom built hole. He thought it was so special.

What time did you get home?

I don't even know. Maybe seven in the morning. They had to put some stitches around the ridge. They had a plastic surgeon come in so he doesn't have a scar. And he actually suggested that he have some kind of spring system put into his thighs to accommodate the weight of his ball bag.

That would be a good idea. It would solve a lot of problems a little later in his life. You know the hanging ball syndrome?

Yeah I know. We're going to discuss it later this week when we play Governors in Levittown. But now I need to get some sleep. I'm really exhausted.

Okay, let me call Flourtine and let him know everything's okay with Eric's cock.

I'm sorry we had that little misunderstanding last weekend.

Well, I wasn't sure what to believe.

Whenever you have a question about the blogs you have to talk to me. You can't let that crazy Latin temper of yours get out of control.

I don't have a bad temper. It's just you tell me all this shit and then I read that and I just got annoyed.

You have to talk to me. You don't understand my business.

When you talk about kissing a girls lips I don't look at it like it's your business. I look at it like you're cheating on me. And if you're cheating on my I don't want nothing to do with you.

Well, I know that baby and I'm not lying to you. I do want to see you. I just don't want to get deleted again. Like with what happened with "Laff Out Loud".

She was a bitch! You didn't need her in your life anyway.

You know if I was there now I would want to meet you on the corner and have a couple of coca colas.

Soon baby. I got to getting to work now. I stepped outside to talk to you. But it's like 100 degrees and humid. My boss is already yelling at me for the outfits I've been wearing to work.

Why?

He says they're too revealing, but you know I'm not going to wear turtle necks.

Okay baby. You go back to work and I'll call you later.

Okay baby. Call me tonight whatever time you want.

I don't want to wake you.

It's okay baby. Whatever time.

I told you you should have let me handle it.

I know.

Wheels, he's not stupid.

Oh really? He's not? Let me explain business to you. First off, why was he performing in fucking Atlanta on the 4th of July? Why didn't he have the kids count the people in the club at the beginning of the show?

Why? What would that have done?

Are you fucking stupid?

Andrew that does make sense.

If they would have counted the seats at the beginning of the show, the guys couldn't have ripped you off. You would have had an argument.

About what?

An argument that he skimmed and stole money from you.

I'm not stupid Wheels. I don't like when you call me stupid. I knew there was a problem with this guy when he didn't even offer to pick up the check at breakfast after the radio show.

That's a big red flag isn't it? Boy does that make you smart!

No, not just that. We went for something to eat after the first show at a diner and he didn't offer to pick up the check then either.

Eleanor, you fucked this?

What the fuck did you just say to me? Wheels let me tell you something. Two things are going to happen. One- The asshole is never going to play that shithouse in Atlanta again. Two- I'm going to bang your head through your fucking shoes with one of your giant chicken pots. Where the fuck do you come off talking that disrespectfully to me? What I do with him and where we do it is our fucking business. If I want to suck his dick on a Ferris Wheel or jerk him off into a lake…

You jerked him off into a lake?

It was really just a puddle after it rained. But it sounds more romantic when she calls it a lake.

Andrew, that's not the fucking point, you dumb clunk. The point is I'm not going to let this piece of shit talk dirty to me and get away with it.

I'm sorry El, I'm not trying to talk dirty I'm just saying that I should conduct all of his business and sort of control all of his finances to make sure we maximize his money. As a matter of fact, you could help. Doesn't that sound good?

I could help mange his money?

Yeah. You know we could do it together.

That's something maybe we should discuss over a drink.

But I can't go I'm in Orlando. I have to perform at Bonkerz Comedy Club tonight.

That's okay. Let me take care of this with Wheels.

How about I pick you up around 8:30?

Okay that sounds nice.

Okay, it's a date. Gotta run.

I cant believe you didn't take me on this trip.

You cramp my style. I'm lookin' for chicks.

I really just wanted to meet Eric over at Governors. How's that show sellin'?

Good. It's gonna be a good night.

I actually got a call from Eric's wife. It was kinda funny.

What kind of call? Why would she call you?

She was kinda mad. It was the first call I ever got where a guy's wife is telling me "Stay away from my husband's dick! That's my dick!" She was screaming at me.

And you thought that was funny.

You know me. If there's a dick I'm after, then it's a dick I'll get.

That's not very lady-like El. You know people do read these things.

I don't give a fuck. I went with you for five fucking years. They don't know about you. All you did was take out the monster day after day sayin' "Service me! Service me!" And now you're afraid I'm gonna meet Eric's dick with the giant ridge and custom hole!

I gotta go. I'm in Atlanta. I'll call you later. We'll calm you down. You know…

Nothing will calm me down. Nothing 'til I see that baseball headed cock coming at me with that custom hole.

You're sick.

He's just unbearable!

I'm so glad he didn't want me to road manage this trip with him.

Did he want you to?

Yeah, he said there was nobody going with him and that he'd like me to help if I could. I told him I had to go to the foot doctor.

That was a smart move. It was just awful having dinner with him.

I know. The way he spoke to Nancy…

She's my best friend…

Yeah, and when I tried to intervene you remember what he said to me?

Yeah, that he was going to break a plate over your head if you didn't shut your mouth.

And I don't like the way he spoke to you.

Yeah, telling me to shut my mouth, telling me I'm stupid, telling my friend Nancy that he hates flip-flops and hair buns.

Well I agree. A girl should never wear her hair in a bun.

I don't do that sweetheart. That's why we're together.

Well… let's get more together. Take it outta my pants.

With pleasure... with pleasure.

I'm coming over. I bought you a gift.

What?

It's a special digital camera. You can also film with it. For when you get the pictures of …you know what.

Wheels, I'm not going to ask this guy to have a photo shoot with his dick. It doesn't make me look good.

Don't worry about it. We'll cut him in on a piece of the profits from this line of Cannoli King's Cock Cakes. I thought of a way to do an imprint of just the head in a lemon cupcake. Get it?

Not really, Wheels.

Just make sure you get plenty of pictures of the custom hole and the ridge. Get the ridge because what I think, for Valentine's Day, we could put out Cock Head Truffles. Girls will love it and guys will want to shoot their loads in their pants watching them suck on this big, fat, chewy chunky Cock Head. We'll even do it in white chocolate too.

Why don't you make the whole head dark chocolate and put like white chocolate on the inside of the hole.

Now you're thinking like a businessman.

Yeah, I'm glad that you decided to move here.

I moved in with a girlfriend of mine and her son. It's just for the time being. I was really hoping to maybe see you again.

Did you enjoy when I brought you the cup of ice balls from the Coffee Bean?

You know how much I love to melt those little ice balls in my mouth. LOL! I also know you've been going through a lot and I just wanted a chance to tell you I knew I was wrong about a lot of things that we went through together.

It was good to feel your lips against mine again.

LOL! I know that's all you could put in a blog.

That's what you think.

Just don't put up that big fat lady anymore.

I was only kidding around.

And I don't want anybody to see me. Keep the question mark up.

But why is that?

Because if you put my picture up I'll have all these guys coming to my site. Is that what you want?

No. What I want…well… I'll just tell you when I see you.

Huh?

I said, I'll tell you when I see you.

Tell me what?

Nothin'. Just call me at home.

Okay Lover boy. XOXOXO.

I just got a call from Eleanor. Had a great talk about Eric's cock. She's really excited about seeing it.

What does that have to do with you? You're not getting those fag urges again, are you?

Cut it out. I'm serious. I'm talking business here.

What business?

I need you to get Eric to do a little photo shoot with his… you know what.

What?!

And make sure you get lots of pictures of the head, especially the ridge and the custom hole.

For what?

You'd do that for me because we're partners.

With what? What are you talking about?

Cannoli Kings is going to make it a specialty for bachelorette parties as a cake. Picture it- The Cannoli Kings presents Cock Cake! It'll be cock that tastes so good you just can't stop eating it. It'll be this big two foot cock just like his, whatever, with the giant balls. What I'm going to do is fill the stem with the most delicious mousse or custard… I don't have it all together yet. I think I could do something with the balls, maybe some Jell-O, give it a live look, some sprinkles around the balls. We'll use the dark sprinkles. You know?

You're out of your mind, you know that?

Yeah, I'm out of my mind. Wait until every bakery is selling Cannoli Kings Cock Cake! Then we'll see who's out of their mind. You just get the fucking pictures. Do whatever it takes. Pay the mother fucker. Just get them and don't forget the custom hole.

Okay.

Cock Cake! I'm a genius. You know Wolfgang Puck ain't thinking this shit up.

What? Are you crazy? I don't want to fuck him!

Then what are you saying?

What I'm saying is I just want to see the damn thing. You know? Maybe, get pictures standing next to it…

Eleanor, Eric is a married guy. He doesn't just take his cock out for everybody to get pictures with it not unless you're in VIP seating.

Is the head really like a baseball?

You have no idea what we've been through with this fucking thing of his already. Number one- it's more like a softball than a baseball. We even had to have the hole enlarged at one point.

The hole?

Well, look at it this way, you've seen a whale's blowhole? It's sort of like that. We just had it made a little bigger so the load could come out quicker. Before, the pressure of the load was too intense for the small hole… so we had it surgically enlarged.

Jesus fucking Christ!

Nah, I know. It's nuts.

Are those big too?

If you got hit in the face with them they could easily knock you out. Why are you so interested anyway?

Andrew, I got six brothers. All their cocks together wouldn't add up to this guy's dick! You know how I feel about that kind of thing. 

I don't know what to tell you. Maybe he'll do a private showing, I don't know.

I mean it. I don't want to feel the thing or fuck him, ya know? Besides, even if he tried it would be like tryin' to put a square peg in a round hole. I mean even if I got on top of that fucking dick of his it would tear me to fucking pieces. That dick… That big black fuckin' dick!

I hate to bother you…

No, it's okay. I'm in kitchen cooking fifteen hundred sausages for a party I have at 8pm tonight. But let me see what's on your mind?

You know those little refrigerators that sometimes are in the room?

The mini-bar?

No, the refrigerators that have all those little bottles of water.

That's a special thing that I order for you. It's not just in the rooms. Why don't you just let me handle this Andrew?

They said they didn't have the car.

Who said?

The guy at the hotel. He said that there's a Hertz rent-a-car not far from the hotel. How would I get to it without a car?

Andrew, I'll call Hertz. I'll have the car at the hotel when you get there.

What?

Let me handle it. Please, I beg you. Let me handle this.

I'm sorry Wheels. I dropped something. What did you say?

LET ME FUCKING HANDLE IT!

Eric, how's it going?

It's going good. Just popped out my fifth load today!

Huh?

Ahh, I sort of had a little problem last night when I was on stage. I haven't gotten any pussy in the last few days. Well, you know about my cock, right? So, I'm standing on stage at the Comedy Cellar and I start getting a fuckin' hard-on. I'm wearing those beige slacks that I always wear on-stage, you know, to tease the chicks a little with this big fuckin' dick that I've been blessed with.  You know what I've always liked about my cock, Dice?

Why are you telling this to me?

I always liked the head. It's like a fucking baseball with a hole in it. So anyway I'm up there and because like I said I haven't gotten any pussy I've been real horny. So, there's this chick in the front row, gorgeous, Italian looking, big tits, low cut shirt and a mouth that looks like it could suck off a fire hydrate. So I'm trying not to think about it. But my fucking lumber dick starts getting fucking hard. I mean... jeeze! I thought this thing was gonna pop out of the top of my pants. It's really just so fucking big. This thing about it is, and the only thing that bothers me about my cock is that I have a lot of flab around the bottom almost like an old person's neck; you know where it hangs down? I'm thinking, maybe I could go to a plastic surgeon and do a little nip and tuck around the base of my cock just for appearances. Because when they're sucking on it the flab will cover there chin like a napkin.

So what did the people at the club think?

Nothing. Everybody started laughing. I mean it was just so obvious. The thing is like a foot and a half long. So I had to goof about it and grab it a little for the crowd. It actually turned into a group discussion. Girls wanted to know if I had trouble fitting it into anybody or if a women I've liked but was too tight had to go and maybe surgically make her vagina larger to accommodate this fucking monstrosity. In short we made light of a very heavy situation. Jeeze Dice! LOL! I'm lucky I didn't shoot a load on the crowd.

Nah, that's great.

But, you know me. I'm a good guy.  I went home woke the wife and had her extract everything out of this fucking thing. It's not easy having a dick that looks like a clubbed foot.

Yeah.  No, I know.

How are the t-shirts coming along?

I gotta go.

How come you don't call me back?

I'm making my own arrangements.

Don't you want me to take care of the reservations?

I'm trying to do it all myself. How do you get a hotel to give you a car?

Andrew, please. They call a rent-a-car place like Hertz.

How do they know them?

A lot of time they're connected with the hotels.

Give you a car? Can't I just get it with the room?

PLEASE! JUST LET ME HANDLE EVERY FUCKING THING ALREADY!

Why are you mad?

I HAVE A MILLION THINGS GOING ON HERE! And I'm spending 10 minutes trying to explain to a grown man how to get a rental car.

Do you know how to do it?

Yes. Andrew, Yes.

How's your father?

I told you Ed McMahon isn't my dad. What the fuck do you want now? You ruined any chance of me playing that club in Memphis ever again.

Yeah, so what? You're with me now. You belong to me now. We're together.

Yeah, well my cock doesn't belong to you and I was halfway pulling out of my wife when the phone went off.

Yeah so that's good right?

No. I fucking unloaded in her. I don't need another kid. If you didn't call I would have repainted one of the walls in my room instead.

I just called to see if you're gonna do Governor's on July 14th?

Yeah, I guess that's okay. Just don't call me "Adorable Eric". I don't like the name. And I really don't like you even. So you better pay me good.

Yeah, Yeah don't worry about it. You'll be handled.

Now, if you don't mind I feel another coming on.

What do you mean?

Well, you don't think I stopped pumpin' do ya? Just because you fucking called!? My first load is my weakest. I mean all kidding aside, did you ever see my fuckin' dick? I'll put it up against any hood rat.

Really? You're packing somethin' that fuckin' big?

Dice, did you ever hear a girl say and I'm talking about a girl that might have had 2 or 3 kids already...

Yeah...

Did you ever hear a girl say, "OOOOHHHHHHH IT'S JUST SO FUCKIN' BIGGGGGGG!!!!!"

…No.

And you never will. That's how fuckin' big it is! See ya at Governor's. I'll be the guy with the giant cock in his pants.