Vnewsworld ™

Extracted from ‘Australian Marrow and Melon Examiner’ July 2009 Edition.

By Michelle Hackson.

Pumpkin Flu Hits Hard

The World Health Organisation has sealed off parts of Western Sydney in a desperate bid to stop the spread of a new virus strain. The virus has established itself in several vege patches in Yagoona and is being treated as a serious health threat by the authorities who have called for the quarantine of all affected pumpkins and around the clock monitoring of nearby cantaloupes and cucumbers.

Marrow expert Professor Peter Gourd believes the B1B2 influenza virus, usually found in bananas, has mutated and started infecting pumpkins. “It is likely that a group of sexually promiscuous bananas have spread the disease while on tour.” He added “and pumpkins have been known to be involved in perverted pollination parties for some time, the worst offenders are Queensland blues. They have stamen on the mind.”

State health authorities are advising pumpkins and other marrows at risk to stay in the patch and avoid using public transport and busy places such as schools and shopping centres. It is not yet known if the B1B2 virus is transmittable to humans, but there is mounting evidence that suggests it is. As it is sexually transmitted between bananas and pumpkins, it is possible that this is the way it will infect humans.

Doctors are conducting tests on a 22 year old male at St Vincent’s Hospital with flu like symptoms who was admitted at the weekend. The man had recently had unprotected sexual relations with several pumpkins including a Queensland Blue and a Jap, and was also partial to a Lebanese cucumber up the clacker. A 35 year old woman was released yesterday after testing negative for the B1B2 influenza. She was admitted with veginal secretions after a heated session with the slender melon. She said “Like oh my God, I am never doing that again, like yeah nah, like half way through it split and like it was like soooo seedy like oh my God.” She was treated with a light dressing.

Minister for Health Nicola Roxoff says there is no reason to panic, but urges caution until a vaccine for the Pumpkin flu is developed. “We urge people to seek treatment if they are concerned. Symptoms may include greenish skin and flesh turning orange suddenly at midnight.”

Copyright 2009 Vnewsworld™ and

Manifesto Corporation Publishing®

Vnewsworld™

 

Extracted from ‘Kenyan Scientist’ May 2009 Edition.

By Doctor Phil Winfrey.

 

 

That Shrinking Feeling.

 

Adapting to changing environments and climates is all part of the evolutionary process for life on Earth. In fact it is the driving force of survival. It has been so since life began millions of years ago. Species thrive or disappear depending on their ability to change. Some species are fortunate to have lived in stable environments for ten’s of thousands of years and have had no need to change. Others evolve rapidly to keep ahead of rapidly changing conditions. Humanity’s rapid rise has thrown nature’s course... well, off course.

 

The rise and spread of humans across the planet is bad news for many species. Many have already been extinguished and for the remainder the outlook has been grim… until now.

 

Professor Noah Sark, genetic physicist at the University of Eden in Kisumu, Kenya, has been working in a white lab coat for twenty-one years. His breakthrough came while parking and noticing that car spaces were becoming smaller, but his donkey was not. Strange you might think… but he had stumbled on a solution for animals that are losing their habitats to the sprawl of human activity.

 

Speaking from a swivel chair at his laboratory the Professor said “Humans are causing habitat loss at such a rate that species are unable to adapt quick enough to survive in their surroundings. My thought was, if the habitat is shrinking… why not shrink the animals? I have to piss, I’ll be back in a minute.”

 

Over the last five years Prof Sark has worked on reducing the size of several species from Sri Lanka to fit into the small natural habitats left on the island.

“We had great success initially with the Chital Deer and Mongoose” the Professor said, “but the first batch of mini elephants were a jumbo disappointment.”

The elephants, which had previously enjoyed the largest land dwelling endowments, were furious about having smaller genitalia than humans. After some therapy from animal psychologist Doctor Harry McGraw, the elephants have shown improvement. “These sandwiches are delicious” he said.

 

Of course there is a huge amount of work still to be done on the project. Whole food chains of miniature animals will have to be genetically engineered if any are to survive in the wild. And there are doubts about many species being suitable for genetic shrinking. Giant Pandas have said that they will not sign up, giraffes would look ridiculous and herds of mini wildebeest would take over cities, grazing at your local playground. Indeed some mini leopards have been spotted in downtown Colombo bumming around with stray cats.  

 

“I’m not sure a miniature solution will solve a mega problem” Prof Sark admitted, “but I have noticed they put the easiest Sudoku’s in the paper early in the week”

 

Copyright 2009 Vnewsworld™

Manifesto Corporation Publishing & Infotainment®

Vnewsworld™

 

Extracted from ‘Russian Cosmos Periodical’ March 2009 Edition.

By Dimitri Stolichnaya.

 

 

Dogs are the Best People… and Cosmonauts.

 

Since humans first looked to the stars and dreamed that they could one day leave this planet to explore the vastness of space and seek out new worlds, there has been another species on Earth that has been dreaming the same dream. Recent studies at the St Petersburg University have revealed some startling evidence that dogs have been aspiring astronomers for thousands of years.

 

Of course this has been known by some for many years and kept secret to serve the purposes of government agencies, in particular Rosaviakosmos, The Russian Federal Space Agency. It was no accident that dogs were selected to ‘man’ the early space flights in Russia. The most famous and first dog in space Laika, who took Sputnik 2 into orbit in 1957, was a university graduate with degrees in physics and aeronautical theory. Laika, with pin-up good looks was lapped up by the Russian media and went on to become a national hero, an icon that inspired a whole generation to reach for the stars including humans.

 

Speaking posthumously with Russian Cosmos Periodical, Yuri Gagarin most famous for his winter turnip soup but also as the first man in space, he revealed that he was trained by Laika and other dogmonauts at the Space Academy in readiness for his own voyage off the planet. “They were great teachers and scientists... and ultimately my best friends. I really looked up to them as my heroes” he said “but they thought I was barking mad. Humans had never been to space before and of course there are no toilets in space. They really had their minds on the job”.

 

The last Russian dogmonauts to command a flight were Veterok and Ugolyok on the Cosmos 110 mission in 1966. They became famous for staying in orbit for 22 days, the longest such mission for dogs in space. “We knew our days were numbered when Armstrong landed on the moon and spoke those now famous words that captured the world’s imagination.” said Ugolyok from his retirement kennel in January “woof, what a load. Dogs don’t need low level gravity to make giant leaps.”

 

Since we spoke to Ugolyok there have been astonishing revelations leaked from the agency’s top secret mission planner’s office. It would appear that after four decades grounded from the space program, a new breed of dogmonauts could be in line to command the Federation’s first mission to Mars. Word has it that the new Vostok III vessel under construction at a remote Siberian base has been designed specifically for long duration canine missions. Some of the innovations featured are a new artificial gravity no spill water bowl and pee tree, freeze dried space shmackos in eight different flavours and a longer retractable leash for space walks.

 

Copyright 2009 Vnewsworld™ and

Manifesto Corporation Publishing & Infotainment®

New Media Deal For Vladivostok.


An announcement made yesterday (Belgian time) at the Headquarters of Industrial Laundry and Dry Cleaner Magazine in Hunan Province China, revealed a new and exclusive deal for Vladivostok’s new news service, Vnewsworld. The fledgling news service has been given unrestricted access to the vast media resources of Manifesto Publishing and Factual Infotainment group for the first time.

The subsidiary company of Manifesto Corporation International currently publishes around three hundred magazine, journal and newspaper titles in nineteen countries. Titles cover the full spectrum of news topics and specialties. They include ‘Hi Fi and Audio World International’ and ‘Gardening Botswana’ which are regarded as industry bibles. ‘Dollars & Sense Magazine’ for up to date financial and remedial massage news, and others such as ‘Better Gnomes and Gargoyles’ cater to smaller interest groups.

In their first foray into television MP&FI also produces ‘Pyongyang Nights’, a weekly lifestyle programme for North Korean state television. “Although the content is strictly controlled it does contain important and useful information about maintaining good posture in food queues.” says executive producer Kim J Mills, “and one lucky viewer this year will have the chance to win a pair of wrap around sunglasses and a job as a body double.”

The deal will see the team at Vladivostok working closely again with Manifesto Corp CEO Les Beehan, who bought the original Manifesto zine off them in the late nineties and took it from the streets of Chippendale to the news stands of the world. “I know the guys down at Vladivostok” says Beehan, “they have an eclectic audience and they want to bring the right kinds of stories and articles to their readers. And now they have the world at their fingertips.”


Donnie B Goode
Media Insider Weekly April 09 Edition
Copyright Manifesto P & FI 2009

XO sauce tops the charts.

XO sauce has shot to the top spot in this week’s International Sauce and Condiment charts with their spicy hit ‘Bok Choy on Rice’. The hit has been on high rotation in kitchens all around the world, and now there is speculation among industry watchers that it could topple Tomato Sauce from the all time highest seller spot.

Creator of the all time classic ‘Soy Anise Star’ Freddy Kikkoman, said in Singapore yesterday that the former chart topper ‘Pie and Sauce’ was looking a bit tired.
‘I think people are looking for something a bit different. XO is the emerging favourite amongst younger trendier types, who really are the market drivers’.

Makers of XO sauce say that it has been a long road to success from Sichuan Province to the top of the charts. ‘It looks like an overnight rise to fame from the consumer’s point of view, but we have been working on this for years.’ XO has had minor hits on the local Sichuan charts for decades, but now with Bok Choy in season, lazy susans are spinning out of control worldwide.

In other news, US hit ‘American Mustard Dog’ has gone gold. French classic ‘Hollandaise’ has split and a reissue of ‘Grannies Apple Sauce’ has sent pigs running for the hills in record numbers. ‘Oink Oink’ a pig said yesterday, which was confirmed by another hog we spoke to who added ‘oink!’.

Keith Suburban

International Culinary and Salty Snack Digest. March '09

 

West End for Vladivostok.

Final negotiations are taking place in London’s West End for the staging of a musical the likes of which have never been seen in the city’s famous theatre district.

Manifesto Corporation’s Theatrical projects Director Les Beehan, has confirmed that plans for a full scale production of Vladivostok’s ‘Dream Life of Pandas the Musical’ are well advanced and could see the spectacular opening in the spring.

‘The scale of this production in every aspect is truly astonishing. From the lavish sets designed by Soho’s renowned Bobby Chang, to the extravagant lighting and special effects used to create the illusion of a dream world on stage, this is a musical that will change theatre forever.’ said Beehan at yesterday’s press conference. ‘The cast alone will munch through 5 tonnes of specially imported bamboo each week of the season.'

The musical is the culmination of four years work by Vladivostok founders V1 & V2, who wrote the story and twelve songs, while in exile from the theatre world. The pair moved to Western Mongolia in 2001 after their first play ‘Strange Fish and Other Crustaceans’ failed to ignite any interest from theatregoers, and was universally panned by critics. The season closed at intermission on the opening night, and the cast returned promptly to obscurity half a nautical mile off Dover.

Vladivostok this time though, are confident they have produced a story that will tug at the heart strings of a broader audience, and highlight the problems faced by pandas suffering from insomnia.

‘The story follows the blossoming romance between two pandas and their shared dream of a bamboo utopia and nutrition school.’ Beehan said, ‘Things start to go devastatingly wrong when one develops a sleeping disorder and is unable to dream.’

Les Beehan wouldn’t be drawn on which venue was being considered to stage the extravaganza, but it is widely thought that the only theatre large enough would be the London Hippodrome.  

A four tracked four track e.p. by Vladivostok recorded in a warehouse in Redfern, Sydney, in March 1998.
So called because it was was released onto a red coloured cassette and then sent to China, where it was heard everyday by millions of citizens of the rural south western-provinces on XingFang FM, the radio station run by the famous teenaged ping-pong player. Eventually the cassette broke, causing disappointment to many. This was to be the last Vladivostok release except that it actually wasn't. Vladivostok went on to tour Hunan,Jiangxi,Guizhou & Sichuan provinces before being politely but very firmly asked to leave China.
"A dark, lost masterpiece of late era vladivostok. They jumped the shark after this it pains me to say" Milton B. Kershaw, Audio & Hifi International Summer 2008 issue

http://www.archive.org/details/TheRedTapeE.p

The Classic Vladivostok album, "Hard Times in Vladivostok" is now available for free download... link below (35Mb). Get this landmark album for what it cost to us make: nothing! This album was recorded at 69Pines Studios in Chippendale in October/November 1996 and went onto to be certified Gold (TDK Gold).  The Limited Edition Pet Shop Boys Remix bonus album was accidently erased when it was left near a big TV for 3 days.

http://www.archive.org/download/Hard_Times_In_Vladivostok/Hard_Times_In_Vladivostok_vbr_mp3.zip

"A milestone in lo-fi novelty music, a must for enthusiasts, collectors and those with learning disabilities alike"
Milton B. Kershaw, Audio and Hi-Fi World International, yesterday