Phillip broke up with me today..... for the final time, because even if he wants me back, I'm not going through this again. Though, it is starting to hit me how much I loved him. I've got that sick to the stomach, I want to throw up feeling. I wish I knew how long this will last, but who knows. His reasons never make sense, hes just a commitmentphobe. The sad thing is I could really see myself being with him for a long time. But I guess there is nothing I can do about it now. His mind seems made up, and mine is too, though he pretty much made it up for me. He isn't even willing to be friends. Oh well, time to move on I guess. I've already got a date for sometime this week. I figure if he wants to move on so much, I will too. I just wonder how well I can really move on. This early at least. We'll have to see, but the only thing is, it isn't fair to the guy I'm going out with, because if I'm still feeling for Phillip, how can I move on to the other guy? The thing is though, I was talking to this other guy before I had even met Phillip, so I don't know, that might make it easier, at least I hope so.

I have officially been accepted by a law school!!!!!


YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So I just finished watching the Biggest Loser, and I'm so proud of Allie! The first female biggest loser! Makes me determined to lose the weight even more. The only thing is, I feel like I've made it pretty well so far, but no one seems to notice. I went from a size 24 to a size 16. Thats something to be proud of, but my roommate seems so skeptical. I'm still just "fat" to her. It doesn't matter that I've lost over 20 lbs already. She always says something to make me feel like i'm just fat and I'll never be anything but that. I'm hard enough on myself, I don't need her to do it to me too. It just hurts cause I feel like I haven't lost any weight, but my clothing size proves I have, but she makes me constantly feel just fat. Who knows, maybe I won't lose the weight, and I will be the fat girl forever, but I don't want to be, and I'm determined to lose it. I just wish someone would actually notice! Notice and not make me feel horrible about myself.

So I FINALLY got a job! After almost 4 months of looking, I have finally got a freaking job! I work at an assembling company's corporate office, doing data entry and filing. It is only part time, but still, it is like 25-30 hours a week, and they are more than willing to accomodate my class schedule. Its not a hard job, which is nice, no stressing really. Well anyways, I have a job, wahoo! I have strep again as well. Oh well, YAY!

Dear God, make me a bird so I can fly far, far away. Far far away from here. Lately I've been so depressed. All I want to do is curl up and cry. I feel tired and weak, but there is no reason for me to be that way. I just can't keep helping but think about how alone I am right now. It really hit me the other day when I got my LSAT score back. I wanted to celebrate so bad, but the one person I got left is my roommate, and she has to study all the time. I know she feels bad about it, and I feel bad for making her feel bad. She hates studying all the time, but she has to, but I would love to trade shoes with her. All I do is sit home alone, with nothing to do, feeling hopeless and worthless, and I don't quite think she understands. I've tried making friends, but apparently there is something wrong with me that just repulses people away. I don't know why, but apparently there just is. There are some nights I do think about just ending it, but there's always something lurking in the near future that I'm waiting to see how it turns out. Like my roommate always says, "so many bad things have already happened to you, how many more can happen." Of course it hurts when she says that, because its like I've had it worse than her, which she's even said before. I mean, who wants to hear that they have it worse than a deaf person? Of course, she thinks I have had it worse than her, and maybe I have, my lifes a living hell, but to hear her voice it hurts more than anything. I don't think she understands how depressed I am, and all she can talk about is her guy troubles, which, oh heaven forbid she has 3 or 4 guys shes trying to decide between, or heaven forbid she has to study a lot, at least she has friends, and something to occupy her time. I literally just sit at home doing nothing but watching tv, or reading, both of which I am incredibly sick of. When she is home, she's studying or thinking about guys, so I can't interrupt her. We went from being sisters to just roommates, and I think thats what hurts more than anything. She had become my closest friend, the one person I could rely on, but now, I don't even have that. We're merely just sharing a living space.

I need to train myself to stop having feelings. I used to be pretty good at it, but it just got so tiresome being the ice queen. However, I think people appreciated me more when I was like that, instead of letting them in on my feelings, but I am just so tired of holding it all in. It seems like everything piles on everything else, and I'm spilling over. This past year has been the worst year of my life. Sure I graduated, but everything else went downhill, and just like the snowball effect, just keeps getting worse and worse. I've lost who I am, and I hate that. It scares me. I don't know what I want, or who I want to be. I just feel like the me I knew was lost when I was diagnosed, and it changed me into this different person that I don't know. It seems to be running my life, and I don't want it to, but I don't see any way around it. I spend half my time worrying about what I eat and when I take pills, the other half trying to exercise somehow to help fix it, but it just doesn't seem like its ever going to change, and there is a good chance it might not. I just want to live a normal life again. Of course, I haven't had a normal life since I got fat again, and this is supposed to help, but I do not want to go down that road again. Its not where I want to be, but it seems like the only option. I don't know what I am going to do with myself. I just want to stop having to go to doctors all the time. God, how attractive I must be to guys. Depressed sick fat loser failure girl. There's a winner right there, let me put that as a headline on a dating site. To quote my favorite movie "As if I'm not enough of a freak already, let's add a tiara!"  God, what guy would want that. The more I think about it, the more I realize I'll probably never find someone who is willing to put up with all of this. I'm going to be an old spinster, I know it. If I live long enough, I'll be the crazy lady with the cats. I'm just destined to be single I think, guys just aren't attracted to me. I'm too depressing to be around, but when I'm upbeat, they hate that too because apparently I'm too peppy. I'm just over live and caring about it.

Ok, so I got my LSAT score..... well it is four points higher than my previous score. Which definitely puts me in a different arena of schools than my previous score. The thing is it is still 3 points lower that my goal. I guess I just have to settle with what I got. So now it is time to kick it in to over drive and get my applications filled out, and just wait and see which schools accept me!

Well I am still waiting on my LSAT score, then it will be time to apply! I should be getting my score sometime in the next week, so everyone, please cross your fingers for me and say a little prayer. I'm depending on this score. I'll let you all know as soon as I find out anything! Wish me luck!

So Adam and I finally broke up. It had been coming for a while, but neither of us wanted to be the one to actually do it, but I finally broke down and did it. I couldn't handle it anymore. Besides, it doesn't make sense since I am leaving in August for law school. There is no way he and I would be able to work when I am atleast 9 or 10 hours away, depending on where I go. I love him, but it just isn't going to work. We'll remain friends, that I am sure, but we won't be able to go back to a relationship, atleast not until after I am out of law school, and I don't fnd that highly likely. We both had a good 6 months together, and we learned a lot, but everything must come to an end, and this was it for us. I am sad, and I'll miss having him as my boyfriend, but I think we will do better as friends, where there isn't any pressure, and we don't have to spend every waking moment together. We tried breaks, but they didn't work. This was just the way it needed to be.

So I have officially made the biggest mistake of my life....... Adam proposed last night (sorta, but not really, but yeah, he did) and I told him I wasn't ready and neither was he...... I should have said yes, but still, at the same time, I realize we aren't ready, he still needs more time, and I think I do too..... but I know I hurt him by telling him to wait.... but the thing is, he proposed while I was bawling my eyes out, because I was upset..... he thought proposing would make it all better..... but I don't want to be proposed to like that........ I love him I do..... and I know he almost left me because I didn't say yes.... UGH, I'm such a mess..... WHY didn't I say yes??? Now it'll be forever till he proposes, if he ever does again...... stupid stupid stupid me!!!!!