Very interesting.

It seems that every time we talk for a long time, I have another dream.

When you described your room to me, I really felt like I was laying next to you again with my hand on the back of your neck, just like in the car that night in Tucson.

Then I slept and woke up with a valentine vision of a big broken heart. It was yours, it was mine.

And I heard a sharp pink whisper;

"so now you know some things, player."

"first, you know what it is to be busted at the table and walk away with what seems like nothing... at first..."

"...and next you realize how big the stakes actually are...but you simply can't know that until you feel the loss."

"and next you know that the knowledge you've gained is worth the cost..."

"because the next time you make that bet you're gonna know what you're betting, for real..."

"Because it's worth more than anything else you've known."

"But it's still luck of the draw and you gotta be in it to win it"

"so playing the cheap and easy table again and again is FINE because someday that pot will slowly steadily get huge, and suddenly you will hear me whisper again, and you will know it's time to match that pot chip for a shining chip, and your frozen luck and heart will suddenly thaw and beat louder than before..."

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this is another letter written to me... I've never met anyone who understood me better than this guy. It just reassures me that there is something great planned for me... I have to make it happen.

I have a theory about life, it goes as follows;

You come in with nothing, and you go out with nothing, so nature makes sure that while you are alive, you experience all things in equal measure and intensity... so you end up with "even steven". which is the natural state of things; perfectly balanced.

So, as much as you have gained, you will also lose. As deeply as you have loved, you will also experience heartbreak equally intense. And, of course, the most beautiful axiom of all; as much as you give, you will get. Only cheapskates get truly shortchanged.

I firmly believe that this tests out in every case, sometimes simultaneously, sometimes over the long haul.

The same is true of people's personalities, breathtakingly extreme oppisites co-exsist within people.

Because I think about "even steven" a lot, I see things sometimes. I see contained in the virgin's body, the mind of a whore. The girl who is always among friends but keenly feels her isolation. The girl who doesn't talkk about her feelings very much but longs to be deeply known. The girl who is constantly laughing but is... bored and dissatisfied.

You asked me in your letter if I have any other requests. I have only one right now;

Look at me and think for just a minute about "even steven". I want you to SEE me, just for a minute. Who I am.

The man who feels very intensely for brief periods but can also be heartless. The man who chases money but doesn't give a damn about it.

So now you understand why there is a guy like me. A guy who understands a little piece of Aida but long ago gave up trying to really understand anything.

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so, this was a letter written to me from a guy I used to know... I found it today in a folder while I was going through some old papers.

Funny thing is, he's right about me.