I had to say goodbye to almost all of my friends list, anyone that may have been associated with my former life. This is due to an unfortunate incident involving an ex boyfriend who used my name to commit fraud to cause drama and to take money under false pretenses. These occurences are all being looked at legally and I hope he gets what he deserves. I just want to publically state I had nothing to do with this I was merely a victim in his cheap and evil ploys.Whether you believe it or not is your decision. However, I just want to move on with my life and therefore cutting connections from the past seemed a reasonable first step for that.

To the women out there,

or should I say little girls

who have messed things up far beyond repair.

You laugh now as you take advantage

and use people till there's nothing left

and then move on to the next victim.

You brag about your conquests,

You thrive on exploitation

Does it feel good honey to have the upper hand?

Be warned little girls that the fun is fleeting

and one day you'll be washed up

and haggard and alone

but you'll have your memories, right darling?

This is what happens

when you exchange power for love

so put on the mini

show off your goods

for gravity is on the rise

and you'll be on the fall

 

I have the weirdest dreams and they seem to be getting weirder. I'm a little afraid of having them interpreted since the notion that i'm fundamentally crazy might be justified. Who knows maybe I just have an active imagination. At any rate, here are a few examples of my dreams as of late.

 

1. My eyes, my brain and my soul were on an escalator in the mall and I was looking for my body. I was freaking out thinking I might never be able to put myself back together. I searched for hours but eventually i found the shell of my body and we all were reunited. I think I need to draw eyeballs on an escalator its such a creepy idea.

 

2. The vampire Lestat came to me in a dream and we were in an amish cottage. I was churning butter and he asked if I was afraid of him. I told him I wasn't but I thought I should be. He told me that if I didnt obey him, he would hurt my family. I started peeling carrots and then I woke up.

 

3. Yesterday I had a dream that there were demons in the library I work. They were flying around throwing books down, breaking the glass shelves and yelling. I don't know why they were so mad. Then my two front teeth fell out and I was at the store Vintage Inspired in Mission Viejo. There was a monster on the loose and he had already killed most of the people in the city. I knew he was coming for me so I went into the dressing room and tried to figure out what I wanted to wear when I die.

 

4. I had two seperate dreams about the same scary old lady. In the first dream Eric and I were outside and we saw a hooded figure on a bike. We asked the figure who they were and this scary old mexican lady with a creepy smile turned  to us and then ran the bike into our house. A few days later I had another dream about her. In the dream, we had just had a party and my roomate told me that one of our friends must be drunk because they were wandering around outside. I went outside to check and that same evil lady turned around and grinned. I wonder if she is a ghost in the house we live in.

 

The only thing crazier than my dreams is my life. There is  nothing better than surreal sundays when we walk through a lazy haze and days fly by and drag on all at once. I cant remember what happened but I  know it was amazing.

 Attn Photographers, mua's, hairstylists, clothing companies and models i've worked with. I would sooooo appreciate it if you could change photo credits from Meagan Merlot to Meagan Angel.


Thanks a million,
~m ♥

Everybody has that thing where they need to look one way but they come out looking another way and that's what people observe. you see someone on the street and essentially what you notice about them is the flaw. It's just extraordinary that we should have been given these peculiarities. And, not content with what we were given, we create a whole other set. Our whole guise is like giving a sign to the world to think of us in a certain way but there's a point between what you want people to know about you and what you can't help people knowing about you.

"And that has to do with what I've always called the gap between intention and effect. I mean if you scrutinize reality closely enough, if in some way you really, really get to it, it becomes fantastic. You know it really is totally fantastic that we look like this and you sometimes see that very clearly in a photograph. Something is ironic in the world and it has to do with the fact that what you intend never comes out like you intend it."..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />

I dont have a chance to get on here very much as of late so my thank you is a little overdue. I really just cannot express how much I appreciate everyone's love and support. I've come so far so quickly and its nice to have so much support during my recovery. I especially want to thank Jorge of JMV Foto and Kelly Darling along with all the bands, companies and people who put time, effort, and funding into the benefit show this past saturday. It was a huge success and I am so comforted to know so many people out there care! I cant thank you all enough and I love you all. Also, if any of you have photos out there of the event I would gladly appreciate if you could send them my way.

 

xoxo

Meagan Merlot

I've been doing some heavy duty soul seaching as of late, and i'm wrestling with so many questions. I want so badly to believe in Christ, and his love for us. I really envy those with blind faith. I have to analyze everything to death. I know you can't judge a faith by its believers but blimey, there are so many hypocrites. I'm not an atheist, I believe in God, but I don't want to say i'm a christian. How can I be a christian and constantly sin and sin then ask for forgiveness and start all over again. It's taking advantage. I don't even really pray that much anymore, I just feel like God wouldn't listen to me. I just want my life to have meaning. It's so hard though. I mean if christianity is for real, then almost all my friends, everyone I love and and adore are going to burn eternally in Hell. If its not true, life is pretty much meaningless and there's not much hope. I've been reading this book on Hell and Grace by Brian McLaren, great author, and it's really opened up my eyes. There are so many viewpoints. Some people believe Hell is a physical place of fire and brimstone where the lost go for all eternity. Then there's those who believe it's an emotional state. Others believe in annhilation where rather than all eternity, one just suffers till they become extinct. Some people believe in predestination where God creates some to go to Hell and others to Heaven. I can't believe a merciful God would create something with full knowledge that it will burn forever. Then there's the whole church aspect, I want to find a church where I would actually fit in. Apparently most church folk think that Christian equals Republican and I'm a pretty flamin liberal, Then most people my age in church are of one of three groups: wacko surfers, victory outreach ex gang members, or bikers for christ. I dont exactly fit well into any of those categories. It's all just such a burden of mind. Especially since I was raised a certain way, I was brought up in church and it;s heavily rooted in my make up. I just dont want anything fake. Im looking for authentic truth. I know its out there.

Like most of us, i'm not too keen on drama, and it seems as if myspace conjures up quite its share of it. Dont get me wrong, there are cool aspects on the site (i.e. meeting new people, access to friends, and freedom for creativity.) However, some things I will never understand. For example, whats the deal with whole conversations being played out through comment boxes? Frankly, I dont care who kissed whom or who's seeing whom or what ghastly comment people have to say about others. Its not fun to go to a friends site to say hello, and have to stumble upon the fact that the guy who stopped calling is seeing someone else, and every aspect of their lives is being played out internet style. Is nothing sacred? I suppose it does come in handy though when no answer is your answer. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with commenting, go right ahead. Lets just not forget that its just as easy to tell someone something in person. I think the internet makes things a little too convenient. It creates a freedom of expression, not available otherwise, because we dont have to see the person face to face. In short, if you dont want to be my friend in person, and you simply want to befriend me, just to give you another number on your list and prove to all the "cool" kids just how popular you are, then dont bother adding me, in fact, if your my friend already and thats your attitude, go ahead and delete me. I'm not cool at all and I would just make you look bad by association. I don't have time for games. p.s. i cut my hair, that's symbolic

I started thinking about politics and how I get this queasy feeling anytime someone brings up the subject. It’s not only because I feel so opposed to things that cause division and strife between people, or that it has become a matter of choosing between the lesser of two evils. Jesus said we shouldn’t mix politics with spirituality, and there’s a reason for it. Kerry or Bush will not save the world and it’s so easy to stand behind someone who passionately believes in something, because we feel like they know something that we don’t. However, it’s only a matter of one side against the other, pushing each other down, so each one will look a little taller. The world is a fallen place. It’s been that way since the Garden of Eden and will continue to be until Jesus comes back. My manager said something the other day that really upset me. She said that, “whoever doesn’t vote for Bush will be responsible for not believing in morals, when they reach the gates of Heaven. It’s this kind of talking that proves man’s self-righteousness and turns people away from the grace of God’s love. God is not American. God is not Republican or Democrat. He’s not pro-Bush, but he’s not pro-Kerry either. Politics are not on his agenda, love and grace and redemption are. We should follow this ideal. What must be will be and ultimately one voice does little when hidden among the masses. Terrorism, Racism, Poverty, and Abortion are not so much problems as symptoms of a bigger issue. The problem is we’re all self-serving individualists out to serve our needs and our greeds. Instead of putting so much effort into making a political statement, often times because standing behind that statement makes us feel like were cool or trendy, (myself included,) we should first look inward. Why are we wasting our energy on voting and protesting while we ignore those directly in front of us? Why do we protest anyway? Is it to feel involved? Is it to be seen? Is it to see what parties will be held afterwards? There’s an alternative. This whole political system doesn’t seem to be doing much good, why don’t we start actually living like Jesus. Imagine the statement it would make if we were to feed the poor, love the unlovable, and turn the other cheek. Until we give back to those in our immediate surroundings, make a direct difference, and change the way we view ourselves; the person in office will have little effect on fixing the problems we face as a society.