The answers never come. I never know how things are in the moment... its all a lie. Fake.
The answers are right there. Just out of my reach. The truth isn't really being hidden behind a lie. You aren't pretending. Its me. Im the one who is responsible for how this story ends. You aren't going to be able to choose for me anymore. I am taking back control of our lives. OUR lives, mine, and my girls's. You can't make me hurt anymore. You can't decide when to come and go for us. You can't decide how Im going to feel about myself. Its not your place and I have been a fool for thinking that you were man enough to carry such a complicated and heavy burden. The truth is that you should not feel like we are a burden anyway. I should not inhibit your ability to find who and what you want. I don't like the way "im not allowed to talk to her" sounds coming out of your mouth when you are looking in my direction as the cause of your allowances. It doesn't make any sense. Why would you feel that way if it was nothing....... and yet you still lie. More. More. More.
I can't control my emotions. I can't do this anymore. I want off of this rollercoaster. But I don't know why I am still sitting here in this life.
Why in this house, under this roof and around these things am I so depressed. Why when it isn't you who is gone, but me out in the world on my own that I feel the best and the strongest now? I feel in control more right now than I have in a while. In years. I finally realize that Im not doing anyone any favors by trying to fix something as broken as this marriage on my own. I can't hold the peices together, apply the glue and blow it dry and NOT keep dropping it again. But I should never have tried. I should never have went this far to start with.
Now it isn't me who is stuck. Its you. I just realized that YOU are the one who is stuck.
Its not that Im glad for your stuck-ness, its that Im excited to realize that Ive been fooling myself all this time and that really, I hold the keys myself. You won't win either way.... but I can get away from you and still you will be responsible for making sure we have food to eat.

maybe you can do a better job with that if you dont have to see us profit from your work. You seem to resent my very existance and to that I say, "Fuck Off".

I dont think it really matters what the subject matter, or  whether the whole thing is even relevant in a relationship of any kind.... a lie is a lie.  If you  omit information intentionally  and knowingly  then  the omition  then  becomes a lie. 

I understand. I lie. I lie all the time. Just like everyone else. But I TRY to keep myself out of situations that would be hurtful or mean to people that I love. If I am doing nothing wrong, then I have nothing to hide. My lies revolve around my own personal battles, happiness and person. I lie every day about my name..... its not Haven... but Im sure that everyone probably already knew that anyway.

There are very few things that my loved ones can do to hurt me more than a lie. If my husband cheats on me, Id prefer that knowledge over the knowledge that he has lied to me in the past so many times that his truths no longer even matter.

Lies that really matter never really  fix or solve or cover up the problems anyway. If anything, it only makes it worse.  It always comes out in the end... I know that my own lies always emerge at the worst possible times. Its been a long long time sense Ive lied about something that really mattered to someone who really mattered and had an impact in my daily life.  I don't lie to him. He hates some things that he knows, but if Im going to do it, then Im going to tell him the truth about it.... very little of what he doesn't know about me would hurt him... if he doesn't know it then either its not current news and none of his concern or its something that wouldn't matter or at least shouldn't matter and is therefore, irrelevant... and probably something that I never considered a lie or omition, but really just never considered important.
There is only one thing that he doesn't know that would make him feel lied too that I can pin point off the top of my head. Its not going to emerge right now, but its because I don't feel like he deserves the truth at this point. Its not important because its small and compared to his own lies, I think its really pretty stupid. Besides, there are so many things that he would up and leave me over..... he never tries to keep me from walking out anyway. He NEVER asks me to stay of his own choice.. he asks me to stay only after I beg him to stop me.

This has been a horrible weekend/week..... things in my life have been turned upside down and back over again and I don't even think he takes full blame or responsiblity for it. He seems to always have reasons for the lies and the betrayals.. and they are always "my fault".... He hides her from me because he doesn't want me to trip out?!?  WHAT THE FUCK would I trip out over if there isn't anything to be tripping out over? If its innocent and friendly, then why would I give a shit.
I have no real friends anymore. I have no one. The best friend I have at the moment is someone that I am hurting just by asking them to be near me. I feel like this person suffers everytime they see me near my own husband. That isn't fair to them and it isn't fair to myself or to my husband. But its the truth. This person cares about me so much that they seem always to be pulling themselves away because of the stress of just being invovled. Yet they keep coming back and pretending everything is fine because they have concern for me, my kids, my well being and my comfort. And because they don't want to disappear so quickly. THAT makes me feel like Ive done something wrong. But I don't think I could have done things any differently, considering the circumstances and that I didn't know that this was going to happen.
I also can't help that I have such strong feelings for this person in return. I do. I have told him that I have these feelings and he doesn't seem concerned. Sadly, that makes me feel like Im never going to get his attention, because he SHOULD care. The person is someone that he needs to be concerned about my emotional attatchement too... and he isn't. That makes it easier too feel this way most of the time, but it doesn't make me feel good. I guess that is part of my own lie. I tell him  that it isn't an issue, but it is becoming more and more of an issue every day. Im feeling strong in my weakness and I can see this possibility becoming a reality more and more every day that passes where he shows no emotional attatchement.... why would I NOT want someone who cares about me?
But I am still not doing anything wrong because my heart is still here.... and he does know the truth and it is HIM who is pushing me aside. He doesn't want to look weaker than he already does.
What he doesn't realize is that by telling these lies, he looks more weak than even I do. Because he isn't sure enough of himself or our relationship and our lives and his own emotions to tell me the real truth. Even after the whole thing came out in the open, he still hasn't really said all that he should say. He can't take his own actions as his own, and that makes me feel like he is weaker than I am.

He loves me. I know that. But he doesn't even have enough self confidence to show it. He says it. But words are not worth a penny when its just words. Every action he shows me screams exactly the opposite.
I know what I know and he DOES love me... but he isn't giving me reason to feel that way. I know it because I can see through him.

Lies hurt. They scar. They are healable though. The healing process can't start all by itself. I sincerely hope that he doesn't go too much longer without realizing that.

Im sitting here. Ive clawed my way back into this attatchement. I am wearing my rings again. Im hoping that we are right about the root of the whole problem because the recovery time and pain is going to be unbearable for a while and if it doesn't fix this marriage then I don't see much point in going through it. Im not interested in helping him and dealing with this pain if it is only going to prove to be off point. If we are over, I would rather know that NOW.
But I always fear that even THAT is a lie.

more later. 

Seether - Fine Again

It seems like everyday's the same
and I'm left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there's no color to behold
They say it's over and I'm fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober, feels like I'm dyin', here

And I am aware now of how
everything's gonna be fine one day
Too late, I'm in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone's gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well

I feel the dream in me expire
and there's no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
'cause I can't seem to get this through
You say it's over, I can sigh again, yeah
Why try to stay sober when I'm dyin', here?

And I am aware now of how
everything's gonna be fine one day
Too late, I'm in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone's gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well

And I'm not scared now.
I must assure you,
you're never gonna get away
And I'm not scared now.
And I'm not scared now, No..

I am aware now of how
everything's gonna fine one day
Too late, I'm in hell
I am prepared now
seems eveyone's gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I am prepared now,
seems eveything's gonna be fine for me
For me; for myself
For me, for me, for myself
For me, for me, for myself
I am pepared now for myself
I am prepared now, and I am found... again




Alot of shit has been going on. Here, inside my head at least. .... if not anywhere else that I exist.

I woke up this morning with this song screaming in my head. Inside my head I know that everything will be fine. But I also know that I have to make a fucking move or nothing will ever change. 

    Ive known him for around 15 or 16 years. Ive always known he was a little off- but that's kinda what I guess everyone liked about him at times.
Then there were times that people couldn't stand him being around.

I can't believe it. I honestly honestly can't believe that I know someone who would do something like that- shit. I honestly can't believe I knew someone who would kill himself, but I did/do.
I didn't know her.

But I know several people who could have been her. I know several people who could have been sitting right there in her situation. One of them used to be my best friend.
I know his wife. His kid. They were here not ALL THAT LONG AGO... a couple of months.

He came here Saturday night. I don't know what time it was and I didn't see him. My husband saw him. And he didn't let him in our house. I don't even really know what he wanted, but I know that Bryan decided that he wasn't coming back inside our house the last time he and his "wife" had a screaming match in front of my children as well as their's.... and I had to ask them to leave.

GOD HELP HIS FAMILY. God help HER family.

I feel sick to my stomach and I don't know why.

perhaps the idea that someone that I know cooked his girlfriend..... it made me cry. And now Im just like, really freaked out.
I can't believe it.

I feel like a horrible bitch. But all I keep thinking is that Im SO GLAD it wasn't HER. It could have been her. Thank God it wasn't.

I really can't believe its already about to be 2008. The year flew by, but besides that, I remember it being 2000 the other day or something!

I can't decide about my resolutions... I have a lot of things that I NEED to change. A TON of things that NEED to be done and a few things that I want to fix or to be different.

THE ONLY resolutions that I can say I have right now, at 9:15pm on New Years Eve 2007, is:
~ I will pay more attention to myself and what I need and spend less time making excuses... regardless of the subject and regardless of the outcome.

and

~ I resolve not to make any other resolutions without putting more thought into it and taking it seriously, because I don't feel like spending another year kicking myself in the ass for not being able to do the things I say Im going to do. (it makes it seem like, I dunno, I can't rely on myself or something.?)

Have a beautiful night, and I hope everyone has a Wonderful New Year! Be careful and have a good time! Be safe.

xoxox,

~Haven*~

Ive been thinking about alot of things. 


I have some things that really need to be fixed in my life right now.
Ive decided to start by taking a break for a while~ To keep thinking, to make some choices and to re-align my priorities.

I have alot of work to do.

xoxo,
Haven

"The essence of independence has been to think and act according to standards from within, not without. Inevitably anyone with an independent mind must become "one who resists or opposes authority or established conventions": a rebel. If enough people come to agree with, and follow, the Rebel, we now have a Devil. Until, of course, still more people agree. And then, finally, we have --- Greatness."

--Aleister Crowley

Raise your hand if you know who Aleister Crowley is!!  Mkay, well, let me begin by saying that he was, infact, an idiot... he was an early 20th Century occultist who wrote books about Magick and philosophy and although he was an intellectually intelligent person, he had about as much true spiritual insight as a lima bean.... He spent his life searching for proof that it was ok and to be a really immoral and horrific excuse for a person, IN MY OPINION.  He called it self mastery or self discovery.... and he is disagreeable to me because he did not believe in blind worship, he only believed that everything was about personal power and forces... all relating back to the unequivocal SELF... 

At any rate, I think he was insane and needed some serious guidance but regardless of that, he did do alot of very indepth study of human nature, human philosophy as it relates to WHY'S and Reasoning...

This particular quote is significant to me right this minute because of a blog that I read and responded to by Rhetoric yesterday.... you should check it out..
But I think that despite his being about as ignorant about reality as Freud, he hit the nail on the head with this theory...

Love Without Fear

You are no longer in the corner of the deepest, darkest room. You had the will to find the light and allow your soul to bloom.

The person you are is not the person you used to be. You have grown now into a woman, with clear blue eyes to see.

The world around you can be a dark cold place, but if you want to taste the rainbow, you have to walk with Grace.

You are not alone here, answering questions of your youth… the never ending questions and eclipsed windows of explanations are no longer too simple to be apparent. You still have Hope.

You ponder the path that leads to the light, but if you keep your eyes open, you'll win that fight! You are not crippled and these silent tools have not inhibited your ability to grow.

No longer in the darkest room, you are now a woman who allowed her heart to bloom.

You will never be a simple girl. You'll never erase your past, but you alone have come so far, you've walked your self made path.

You are wise beyond your years. You have endured a painful past but you aren't afraid of tears. You showed me how to get back up and keep on going strong, even if your world seems bleak, you just keep moving on.

You showed me that I can succeed. So, I posed and played the games. Yet I washed away my own castles in the sand to read the banner on the tail of the plane.

It said "Love Without Fear".

Chemistry never could and never will compound Faith…. But for me, you are a hero….. because despite your personal rhetorical "hell", you opened my eyes to truth… you opened my eyes and gave me back my FAITH.

~Haven*~
©2007

Kayla Shea, I love you!

You are my best friend and I just want you to know what that means to me. I always think back to that night we talked so much because the conversations were ever changing and always flowing and I want to just SOAK it IN! Strangely enough, I KNOW that you have felt, somehow, comforted by my words and actions as well…. And that is something to hold on to with everything you have. I think I finally know what it really means to say that some types of friends only come around once in a lifetime…. Can you have a best friend Soul Mate?

Ill be here for you always. No matter what!

You didn't just give me a talisman, or a word…. You showed me that I can be a good person, despite my mistakes. You told me that I am raising my daughters the best way I know how and that its okay if I am not always perfect at everything. During the same part of that conversation where your words were coming together to give me THAT message, they also came together to tell me that I have indeed done things wrong and that only makes me human…. But as I have always told you, "once you acknowledge the problem as such, you can no longer use it as an excuse for your failures, mistakes or shortcomings." It was like you flipped a switch or removed a vale, or cleared a fog and those too completely opposite truths rushed through me like a wave of relief. FAITH. Faith in something- anything!  You gave me back my faith.

 

Between you and me, I don't think you can define this life and this world as "Every man for himself" anymore. I hope Ive shown you that much love.