Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The New York Mets won their spring opener, bringing them one step closer to disappointing their fans.

Alex Rodriguez homered in his first spring training game. Yankee fans are happy that all the steroid hoopla didn't get in the way of A-Rod's ability to play well when it doesn't count.

Red Sox reliever Jonathan Papelbon recently told reporters that he suspects he is going to die young. Thousands of Yankee fans agree.

Stephon Marbury is expected to sign with the Boston Celtics as a free agent after he clears waivers. No one is more excited than the city's psychiatrists.

And Arizona's Kurt Warner said he is not sure if he will retire. The good news is he's already in the right place for it.

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Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Three teams are reportedly interested in signing Stephon Marbury. Unfortunately for Marbury, none of them are basketball teams.

Experts have selected Venezuela as the favorite to win the upcoming World Baseball Classic. In related news, Canada has been selected as the team most likely to apologize every time it scores a run.

David Beckham is currently starring in a Chinese TV commercial for anti-impotence pills. The pills are made of natural herbs, chemical supplements, and pictures of Beckham's wife.

Toronto Blue Jays center fielder Vernon Wells could be out for more than a month after tearing his left hamstring. Or as was reported in Toronto, his left Canadian bacon string.

And two-time Olympic Gold medal boxer Guillermo Rigondeaux defected from Cuba to Miami. When asked why he took so long to make his escape, Rigondeaux said that before he escaped his evil, oppressive dictator, he wanted to make sure we'd gotten rid of ours.

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Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Yankees manager Joe Girardi took his team to a pool hall, in an effort to create stronger bonds. Alex Rodriguez was especially comfortable there, since he will spend most of 2009 behind the 8-ball.

The San Antonio Spurs beat the Wizards to wrap up a 19-day road trip. The players have been away from home for so long they can't even remember what their illegitimate children look like. That’s just a joke. They never remember what their illegitimate children look like.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger recently told reporters that drugs have no place in sports. Luckily for him, they still have a prominent place in politics.

And doctors have advised Northeastern tight end Brian Mandeville to retire. His heart ailment could result in instantaneous death, or even worse, he could get drafted by the Lions.

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Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

ESPN plans to use 26 cameras for its broadcast of the Bassmaster Classic. Wow! That's one camera for every viewer.

Amar'e Stoudemire will miss the rest of the season after having surgery to repair a partially detached retina. It must be really damaging to watch opposing players run right past you.

Charlie Weis has announced he will once again be responsible for Notre Dame's offensive coordinator duties. Perfect – Notre Dame fans have found his last three years of play calling extremely offensive.

Ashton Kutcher has signed on to star in a movie about an NFL quarterback who trades bodies with a 12-year-old. The movie is tentatively titled, "Recycled Premise."

And security for the 2010 Winter Olympics in British Columbia is expected to cost $715 million. And $15 million of it is just Tonya Harding's consulting fee.

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Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Ken Griffey Jr. is returning to the Mariners after a nine-year absence. Fortunately he didn’t miss much.

Cavs center Ben Wallace needed 14 stitches after crashing into a window while playing touch football. Fans are not concerned, however, since it's not like he's going to get any uglier.

Charles Barkley has apologized for his DUI a day before returning to TNT. Man, that guy will say anything when he's drunk.

Major League Baseball reportedly wants more from Alex Rodriguez. Now they know how Yankee fans feel every October.

And the last part of Shea Stadium has finally been destroyed 44 years after it was built. They didn’t mean to wreck everything quite yet, but demolition crews accidentally gave a 7th inning lead to the bullpen.

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Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

The Washington Nationals have learned that their top prospect is actually 23 years old, and not the 19 years old he had claimed. The team knew he was really old when he remembered the last time Washington had a good basketball team.

Alex Rodriguez has allegedly told his friends that he's over Madonna. And under her. And behind her.

Rumors continue to swirl that Jessica Simpson is expecting Tony Romo's baby. Given her size, we wouldn't be surprised if she was expecting his octuplets.

And the Major League Baseball Players Association has sent a memo to all of its members about drug testing during the 2003 season. And by "memo," we mean "suicide note." The players are expected to read the note very carefully, as soon as they're done taking more steroids.

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Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

David Ortiz says players who test positive for steroids should be suspended from baseball for the whole season. Ortiz is confident saying that, since his drug of choice is gravy.

Commissioner Bud Selig recently told reporters that he is not to blame for baseball's raging steroid problem. And considering he makes $18 million a year, it's pretty easy for him to pass the buck.

Houston pitcher Mike Hampton has been sent home with an irregular heartbeat. The timing is unusual since the Astros' hearts usually don't give out on them until the playoffs.

Steelers kicker Jeff Reed has been charged with criminal mischief for beating up a towel dispenser at a gas station. In fairness to Reed, he was told to pick on someone his own size.

And Alex Rodriguez was spotted with six different women on Valentine's Day weekend. Clearly, his performance enhancer is Cialis.

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Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Jamaica has named Usain Bolt its Sportsman of the Year. In related news, the island has also made Michael Phelps an honorary citizen.

Shaquille O'Neal and Kobe Bryant shared a single trophy after being named co-MVPs of the NBA All-Star Game. In related news, there is now peace in the Middle East.

San Diego Padres reliever Heath Bell has credited his Nintendo Wii Fit game for helping him lose 25 pounds. Andruw Jones has just ordered three of them.

The Lions plan to make Daunte Culpepper their starter in 2009. We’re very excited to know which quarterback will be losing their games.

And the Atlanta Braves have added Tom Glavine and Ken Griffey Jr. to their wish list. Also on their wish list? Liniment, a hospital, and a time machine.

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Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Daryl Strawberry has just written his first book. He would have finished sooner but he was stuck on Chapter 11 for the better part of a decade.

PETA activists showed up at Madison Square Garden this week dressed in KKK outfits to protest the breeding practices of The American Kennel Club. MSG hasn't seen a display that offensive since the Knicks' last home game.

The Padres have traded former No. 1 pick Matt Bush to the Blue Jays following his third run-in with police. The Blue Jays plan to subsequently trade him to the Bengals.

Marv Albert recently turned 65. Albert is delighted that he can now get a senior citizen's discount on all of his lingerie.

And Tony Romo said that he's completely behind Jessica Simpson. Because she's now big enough to play center for the Dallas Cowboys.

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Written by Steve Hofstetter, Keith Alberstadt, Ryan Murphy, and Chris Strait

Michael Jordan says he knows he made some bad decisions.  Because he read the paper in the 1990s.

The Chicago Bulls are currently shopping Andres Nocioni, Tyrus Thomas, Ben Gordon, Joakim Noah and Larry Hughes. The only Bull that appears to be safe is the team's mascot.

In the first round of NASCAR drug tests, all the drivers passed, but some pit crew members failed. In their defense, they thought it was just flaxseed motor oil.

A former girlfriend is suing Roberto Alomar, saying that the one-time slugger knowingly exposed her to HIV. Mets fans were shocked, as they thought only his batting average had a degenerative disease.

And organizers are beginning a World Bikini Football League with teams in ten different cities. The Detroit Lions are already 0-4.

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