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Wednesday, March 26, 2008
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Over the past few weeks I have come to the conclusion that this semester, for whatever reason, is the hardest that I have ever been through. Mentally, physically, scolastically, emotionally, it just plain stinks. I’ve tried being calm. I’ve tried praying. I’ve tried talking. I’ve tried sleeping. And the good Lord knows I have tried crying it out. The problem: That’s just it....I still see a problem. It’s not going away. No matter what anyone says, what anyone does, how anyone reacts, or what I do. I got to thinking today.....Am I depressed? Now I’m not talking about the "depressed" you get when you find out you failed a test, or the "depressed" you get when you found out your cat died. I’m talking about a feeling that eats it’s way in to every aspect of your life. Before you know it, you are consumed by something that you don’t even know what is.
I’m not sure if this "feeling" was brought on by my parents divorce. I’m not sure if it was brought on by the two F’s that I made 3 weeks ago. (and I have never made an F before in my life) I’m not sure if it was brought on by the frustration of not having hours at work, or by having to plan a wedding all by myself.
This "feeling" has seperated me and my brothers. This "feeling" has hurt my relationship with my mother(amoung other things). This "feeling" has hurt my school work.
I’m not sure what I’m going through. All I know is that nothing I am doing is working. I’ve also come to realize that it is more of an internal thing than an external thing. I get so jealous of other people. I get so hurt by other people. I blame things all on myself sometimes, because of other people’s actions.
I wish this "feeling" would leave so I could be at Peace. I think i need a vacation....and I’m not talking about going to Nashville.....
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Tuesday, February 19, 2008
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Ok so you all know that I blog about everything......but let's get serious. I know that some of my friends out there aren't religious people, and many many of you are. I am asking that you all keep a special family that is near and dear to my heart in your prayers.
Josh and I have friends named Jeremy and Laura Kelly. They have a little girl named Tatum and Laura is pregnant with a little boy (Joel David). Laura was recently hospitalized and little one pound and so many ounces JD might have to be born early. Big sister Tatum was born early and is just a bouncing little blessing. Please just pray that this little precious baby will have no difficulties and no problems. Pray for Laura's health too. Just keep the whole family in your thoughts. I know that they appreciate it. They are very special to so many. Thanks a bunch!
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Friday, February 15, 2008
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O Lord God of Israel Great are you and what you've blessed me with Great is your power and your patience with your people
In times as these Father, our enemy attacks Your presence is not only wanted, but necessary
Grant me patience oh God Grant me forgiveness Dear Lord
Father provide me with your unfailing wisdom Grant me peace that only you can give
Faithful Lord help us in our time of need Cover us with your mercy and grace
Never leave the side of your children No matter how prideful we become
You oh Lord are worthy You oh Lord are to be praised
Never let us forget your blessings Never let us forget your presence
Bring us through our trials oh Lord Grant us peace
Abba Father we love you Show us your presence
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Tuesday, January 29, 2008
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Current mood:  shocked
Ok so I know that I write alot of notes, but you should take the time to read this one......
As I sat in the Hallway of Brunar today waiting on my Astronomy teacher to come unlock the door, I noticed something. I walked to the concrete wall to sit in my usual spot and I noticed a guy sitting across from me reading. This guy was in my class last semester, and like me he chose to take this semester's course also with the same teacher. I never really noticed him before, and in a class of 60 people, who does notice everyone?? But I remember the "name" that I placed for him, and the person that I "judged" him to be. He seemed like typical jock who wore the "track and field" shirts. He came in class late sometimes, and it could cross one's mind that this guy didn't really care a whole lot about his studies. He seemed like the typical frat guy, but he did keep to himself.
But today I noticed something. As I walked closer to my spot on the wall, he had a small book in his hand. The book was thick and had gold lining around it. I thought for a minute......"Is that what I think it is?" "Is THIS guy, the one I would least expect, really reading a Bible?" He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and I just smiled, trying my hardest not to make it obvious that I was curious about his reading. The more I sat there, the more I realized how dedicated to this "book" he was. We sat there for a period of about 15 minutes and as he slowly turned the pages, I began to become convinced he was reading the last book I would have expected. As he placed the book in his bag and we walked to the door, I caught a glimpse of the words....."Holy Bible." I thought to myself for a minute......do people see Christ when they see me? I never pictured this man to be a "Christian", or at least not the kind that we always make the sterio-typical "Christian" out to be. I thought all through class about who every day people judge me to be, and the person I portray with my actions. Judging this guy whose name I didn't even know was not right, but aren't we to let our light shine before men? Shouldn't our actions reflect Christ? I'm not saying that jocks, frat boys, or people who arrive late to class aren't Christians and can't "put on" Christ. I'm only saying Do your every day actions portray Christ to those who know you or even barely know you? Would someone be shocked to find you reading a Bible? Just something to think about......
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Thursday, January 24, 2008
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Category: Life
Have you ever looked at the back of a quilt? Notice all of the strands that seem unraveled. They never really seem to make a picture from the outside. One puzzle piece can rarely show you the outcome of the beautiful scene the pieces will soon make. Add the flour, add the butter, add the sugar, it all looks like a mess. In the end you end up with the best tasting dessert ever.
Faith is becoming something I rely on more and more every day. You never know the outcome, but you hope and trust that it is the way it should be.
Beautiful Quilts take time. Beautiful puzzles take time. Delicious desserts take time.
I am only one strand. I am only one piece of the puzzle. I am only one ingredient.
I'm beginning to understand..... Be STILL and KNOW that I am God.
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Wednesday, January 02, 2008
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I just wanted to take a moment and thank every one of you for everything that you have done for me over the year 2007. Chances are, if you are reading this than you have some part of my life. Whether prayers, phone calls, lunches, or listening ears, you all mean so very much to me and I hope that God blesses your lives in the year to come. You are a true blessing ot me.
To my Pulasky Folks: I miss you all so very very much and I think about you often. I am praying for you and you are constantly on my mind. Thanks for the comments and messages. You all and your familes mean so very much to me.
To my good ol UCSC buds: Many of you have seen the tears and been there for me this year even if you had no clue what to do. Being in the UCSC is a blessing to my life and I thank God every day for the ability to share this part of my life with you all.
To Laura, Rachael and Leann: You all already know what I think of you. You are my bestest. You all have seen sides of me that you probably never wanted to see. No matter what this year brings, I will never leave your side. You hold a special place in my heart and always will.
To my girls who moved away: I still remember you! I miss you all very very much and miss our good ole days. I hope that college and the year 2008 finds you well and you are in my thoughts.
If I forgot anyone, you know you are important. Without all of you, I wouldn't be who I am. Thank you for being there in 2007, and I pray 2008 will be just as much a blessing to my life and yours as 2007 was.
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Monday, December 31, 2007
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Over the past year, my life has been a roller coaster. The moto "you win some, you lose some" comes to mind. So many things have happened in my life. I've experienced things that I never thought I would. I lost friends and gained friends. I began many new walks in my life. School took a turn, and in my eyes it seems to be for the better. Josh and I have taken the next step and became engaged. I'm not saying that I didn't go backwards because I definitely did. All in all, I believe that I am a better person because of the things that occurred over the year 2007, and my relationship with God has grown.
Last words for 2007: I'm NOT sad to see you go
First words for 2008: Here we go again
Instead of a New years resolution, I have a prayer: Dear God, Thank you for the opportunity to live the past year for You and Your purpose. Please continue to be with me through the next year. Bless my relationships, guide my ways, and I pray that in all I do, I do for Your honor and glory. It doesn't really matter what happens in the year to come because it is part of Your plan. My "resolution" is to live more for You, and ACCEPT the plans that You have for my life. Amen
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Saturday, December 01, 2007
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Current mood:sarcastic
My last two blogs entitled "I want a fiance" and "I want an older sister" were written for school. They were suppose to be witty and sarcastic. We were to write about certain roles in which we may feel un appreciated at times and then write as if we were on the other side wanting a ______ like ourselves. Before anyone freaks out. I don't feel unappreciated as a fiance, that one we HAD to write. I did however chose the sister one. Read them if you get time. This was my favorite project this year!
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Saturday, December 01, 2007
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I want an Older Sister I was born the only girl in my family, and I am the oldest of three children. While having two little brothers has always been fun, I have always wanted an older sister like myself. I want an older sister who will be my chauffer and take me where ever I want to go and whenever I want to go there. I want an older sister who will go by my agenda and never her own, even if that means she misses a date with a guy or her friends. I want an older sister who will take me places mom and dad won't let me go. I want an older sister who will cater to my every need and the needs of my friends. After all, my friends mean more to me than she does right? I want an older sister who will never be a tattle tail. She will always take the blame no matter who committed the crime, because she is so loving and can not bare to see me in trouble. I want an older sister who will lie for me and keep my secrets, even if that means staying up all night to watch for mom and dad. I want an older sister who will take my side when our other brother is against me. I am always right and she knows that. I want an older sister who will keep her mouth shut in front of my friends, because she doesn't know what she is talking about and can make me look stupid. I want an older sister who will let me hang out with her and her friends to help me gain a social life. I want an older sister who will get me dates with her friends no matter what it takes. I want an older sister who will listen to me when I need to talk and won't rant about her own problems. I want an older sister to give me advice, but only when I ask for it. If I don't like the advice she gives, she shouldn't be offended by it when I tell her she's wrong. I want an older sister who is there when I'm sad, but is never the cause of my unhappiness. I want an older sister who will buy me things when I do or don't have the money to buy them myself. She has no problem forking out her hard earned cash for me, even though I have a twenty in my pocket. I want an older sister who will buy me my snacks at school and will take me out to eat. I want an older sister who will lend me money to see a movie with my friends because she realizes how important it is. I want an older sister who always buys me what I want for Christmas, and isn't offended if I take it back when she gets it wrong. I want an older sister who will let me forge my name on cards and for gifts that I didn't buy. She bought it, they received a gift, good enough for me right? I want an older sister who doesn't have a problem with me yelling or getting angry. She understands that I can get angry and upset, and she is my source of relief. I want an older sister who can get a clue when I'm mad and leave me alone. I want an older sister who cares about me but doesn't get upset when I yell that I could careless what happens to her. She knows how important she is - why should I tell her? I want an older sister who will do everything my mom does and so much more, because –I'm younger- I shouldn't have to. I want an older sister who will do my household chores and hers and never complain. She understands that I'm busy and don't have time. I want an older sister who will watch our other younger siblings, because she knows that I'm too cool and don't have time for that either. Good Lord, I want an older sister!
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Saturday, December 01, 2007
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I want a Fiancé As plans for my wedding begin, so many thoughts run through my mind. Many different aspects of my life are about to change, yet so many will stay the same as my fiancé and I transition into this new stage of our relationship. As I thought about this, a thought came to my mind. I would love to have a fiancé like me! I want a fiancé who will be at my house every night when I get off of work to cook me dinner. I don't want to have to clean up the remnants of our leftovers either. I want a fiancé who will clean my house along with the one that she is living in so that she can have extra practice before we get married. I want a fiancé who will pick up after my friends and I, because she knows how important they are to me. She also understands that after they leave, I will not have time in my busy schedule to clean. I want a fiancé who will not nag me when I save, or spend, our money in a way that bothers her. I want a fiancé who will understand when I want to buy new toys with what is -for now- my money. She knows that I enjoy my expensive gifts, and has no problem with me spending my hard, earned cash on these useless items. After all, when we get married we will combine our accounts, and we will have a lot more money! I want a fiancé who understands when I charge items on my Bass Pro credit card, and will not get upset when the bill comes in and she has to help me pay it off. I'm earning one dollar for every one hundred I charge! She understands. I want a fiancé who understands when I don't want to talk about serious things. She knows when I need to be left alone and respects that. I want a fiancé who isn't offended when I interrupt her "serious talk" with a bodily function followed by a big laugh. I want a fiancé, who agrees with me when I say that, "the serious things will all fall into place." Why should we worry about them now? We have a whole year before we get married I want a fiancé who knows that we will watch some sort of sport every night, along with being involved with the Fantasy Football teams. I want a fiancé who seems interested in these sports and doesn't nag me about watching a movie when there is a game on. She knows that I must watch every game. I want a fiancé who is impressed that I know sports statistics from the nineteen seventies, even if I can't remember what she said five minutes ago. I want a fiancé who let's me pick out the movies. "James Bond," "Rocky," and "Star Wars" are all acceptable, but she knows not to ask to watch anything I would consider a "chick-flick." I want a fiancé who will plan our entire wedding. She knows what she wants, and she knows what I want. She reads my mind with every other thing we do, why not this one? I want a fiancé who doesn't get mad when I tell her that I don't like the things she has picked out for the wedding and that she should chose something else. I want a fiancé who will make the invitation list that includes all of my friends and family. If she doesn't know them, well she should by now. I want a fiancé who will let me wear a white tuxedo, even though everyone says that it would look awful on me. Who cares if I am fair skinned and blond? My fiancé understands what I want. I want a fiancé who doesn't get angry when I ask for her help to plan for the honeymoon, even though I said that I would take care of that part. She knows that I have been very busy, and she is happy to help! Good gracious! I want a fiancé!
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