Gang,

No idea what that blog title is about. I cast my net into the ether and dragged that down from somewhere.

A similar process is discussed in Filing in the Gaps While Eavesdropping, which gives you handy pointers on mentally filling out snippets of conversation you hear on public transportation.

360 Movies You Won't See Before You Die has been churning along with its daily update - here's a recent posting:

The Shudder Maker - ***
Horror lies in the depths of a child's mind
1987, USA, Colour, 92 minutes
Directed by Les Plumber. Written by Richard Prince (based on his book)
Starring Corey Helms, Slater Jubeer, Molly Astridson, Ezekiel D. Sallis

An anthology horror film set at a kid's Halloween party where, by holding hands and saying "Shudder Maker, make us shudder" thirteen times, a devious imp appears and shows the group each child's greatest nightmare by clasping their foreheads in turn. The stories range from cheesy 'monster-in-closet' stuff, to morality plays about parental expectations, to icky stories to do with menstruation. The nightmare about the parents breaking up is lame until they take the dog, then this reviewer admits to shedding a fair few tears.
Watch out for – the great ending, when the Shudder Maker touches local redneck Clemly's head and the entire group of children die screaming.
Quote – "Holee, what happened to y'all. Wern't dat bad."

Gang,

Have you been reading our spin-off site 360 Movies You Won't See Before You Die? We think you should check it out.

Here a recent entry:

Offal and Tears - **
Today's Recipe: Pastry, Kidney, Peas, Fingers
1927, UK, Black & White, 54 minutes
Written and directed by Sir Malcolm Killingham
Starring Brycie Gord, Stanley Turkle, Betty Higho, Twirly Swordfish

A piquant, mouth watering expose of the 1920s British meat processing industry. Sure, many meatworkers lose fingers and toes, but they look like tasty gentlemen marinated in the smells and fumes of Britain's finest slaughterhouses. The love stories are strong, the thick pastries are appetising, and this reviewer went straight from the screening to a merchant of meat-filled delicacies. A rare example of a film succeeding where it hoped to fail.
Watch out for – the way that cute Dorchester gal wields a spatula. Yum!
Quote – "News from the plant dearie; only got to lose one more finger and I get a lifetime pension."

Also, the Cabana of Quotes has been updated. Here's a few of the new entries:

Advice – Family
"Opening a dialogue about drugs with your children will only tell how much your dealer has been overcharging you for the last fifteen years."

Boasts – Baffling
"Rugby used to be played on horses until my quads and the SPCA came along."

Bye

If you are like us then you love dugongs. So please check out this Greenpeace petition to save the last dugongs in Okinawa. And if you agree, sign it.

From the scented stationary of Benjammin L. Austin:


My friends,

It is so rare that one can talk to you like this, direct, like we were in the same room, perhaps my hand on your leg? Who knows! Suffice to say I have exciting news that I think will stir you in ways that you may at first thing ungodly. Perhaps you are right, but you know, as I do, that I seek not to throw your idols down in the grass like so many forsaken statues, no, I see to enlighten your humour not unlike a young Jerry Seinfeld, through my new website, www.360movies.org which I have created with my good friend, one Rodzer Nicholl, of whom you may have heard of, no doubt in relation to deeds most foul.

This site is designed to phreak you out all ways to Tuesday, to show you the Light, to show you that Man does not need to rely on the newspaper or magazine to tell him what is right, or wrong, or even just. Instead, I implore you to place yourself in my clean hands, so I can show you where the future of movies lies.

Anyway, I look forward to hearing your feedback upon this site, and if by chance you are offended, remember this: I was probably drunk when i wrote this message.

Yours in hugs

Ben

We've uploaded some new content. It's breezy.

A new episode of the Victorian Adventurer's Monthly Rankings:
Click hither!

And the Treasury of Baffling Facts:
Click tither!

Have fun, don't stay up too late.

Morning,

Two our contributors, Roger Nicholl and Ben Austin, have started up a new site. We're not mad at them. Some things are too hot to be mad about.

The site is called 360 Movies You Won't See Before You Die. A daily guide to films that don't exist. Meaning, it's updated daily for 360 days with a new movie review synopsis like this one:

I'm Dead and I Can't Get Up - *
What would you do in such a difficult situation?
1974, Philippines, Colour, 89 minutes
Directed by Jose Aquino (as Hitchcock Spielberg). Written by Hero Martinez (as I.A.L. Hecht)
Starring Madrigal Jose, Cogie Abalayan, Carmencita Mercado, Barry Jones

An unexciting Filipino zombie film set in a physical rehabilitation clinic. Crudely spliced in American actors and attempts to pass Manila off as Los Angeles add unintentional comedy relief. But the film can't overcome the lacklustre premise of immobile zombies. In a zombie apocalypse would this many people really wander through an empty rehab clinic?
Watch out for – An old shack sporting a 'Capitol Records' sign.

Please go and have a look-see.

Hi there,

How you doing? Me? Good. Yesterday was the official one-year-to-go "We Are Ready" Beijing Olympic countdown. I tried to go schelp around the festivities, but they'd shut the subway stations around Ti'an'men to stop people such as me schelping uncontrollably. Probably wise.

No matter. Instead we have posted an exciting article:

The Top 50 Lists of 50

Reading required, but you can handle that.

Here are some poll results:

How many rounds would your mind hold if it were a gun?
One bullet: calibre of the universe - 38.5%
A mere puff of smoke - 30.8%
12, plus one in the barrel - 15.4%
Enough to win a duel with Larry King himself - 7.7%
Wait while I look that up on Wikipedia... - 7.7%

Hey, what the hell are you doing in my cupboard?
Lying in wait - 50%
Eating these rats - 20%
Looking for the toilet...don't need it anymore - 20%
Nothing - 10%
Entering Narnia - 0%
Just trying on clothes- 0%

That's all for now. We'll be back soon with an exciting announcement!

Later

Our CEO has dispatched a report from the swanky suburbs of London. He titled it "The CEO Speaks and You Listen in Awe", but if he hadn't we would have. Here is some of his wisdom:

Trend picking

It is so nice to have one's crackpot theories proven right, and especially so when you have made a big deal about said theories to friends, work mates and family. So it is vitally important to be maximising one's success ratio, in order to feel the warm glow of "I called that" often.

The big problem is that truly original thinking is harder than it sounds, and while people might at first giggle when you mention how neat it would be to see a puppy kiss a kitten on a small wooden bridge, they will soon expect more profound outpourings from your cakehole. Happily for you Juan has come up with a solution -

Reissuing of trends that have so far failed to actually work!

Every year we see huge numbers of predictions made about society, economics, politics, international relations, the environment, etc and most of them never come to pass, or if they do, not till far after the fact. Now once upon a time they'd be trapped in academic journals, stupid books you'd never read, or some other magical place, but happily for us all, the Internet has loosed the chains that shackle the mouth and made everything belong to everyone. Copyright is for losers.

So anyway never before have the lazy or unoriginal had such access to a wealth of ideas, uploaded then forgotten. You must troll the forgotten byways of the Interneto and seek out its dark secrets.

The Cabana

Our CEO has also made several deposits into the Cabana of Quotes. Amongst them are:

Observations & Statements – Physical
"Diving through a closed window brings a delicious sense of liberty and bleeding."

Observations & Statements – Politics
"Proportional representation is the tight black leather pants of the democratic world. Sure they are hard to get into, but once on you can strut about feeling superior to everyone."

Goodbye

Hi again,

ACT 1
Are you well versed in the theory of blog writing? Have you read all of the key pdf e-books by internet communication experts? Attended seminars and eaten those asparagus rolls that I dream about somtimes? I haven't, and I feel like a lost lamb thrashing about in polluted quicksand because of it.

Karate Party has invented a Five-Act Blog Structural Arc To Convince Prospects and Repeat Customers to Repeat or Commence. This blog conforms to that standard. We think you will agree that it suggests (what our Marketing Team calls) high factors of Convincingtiveness.

ACT 2
Mrs Fong, our advice columnist, has made her triumphant return. This hyper-link (something it is rather wise to speckle about your blogs) will take you to the appropriate interwebs page.

Following our rule of 3, here is that same link again.

ACT 3
Here are some poll results in which we introduce sub-idea B, and useful Selling Undercurrent 2C (refer to the diagram in you left pants pocket if you get confused).

Don't ever ___ me again or I'll ____ with ____.
Talk down to, stab the top of your head, stilts made from swords - 64.3%
Call, eat your face, my teeth - 21.4%
Cry for, be overcome, unwarranted emotion - 7.1%
Spank, sharpen my buttocks, sandpaper - 7.1%

My life would be complete if I had a...
Diving bell - 36.4%
Shot gun - 27.3%
Arch nemesis - 18.2%
Graduate degree - 9.1%
Popular vlog - 9.1%

What is your household income?
1000-5000 rat pelts - 36.4%
It places me in the great, uninteresting middle class - 27.3%
10000000-infinite amounts of the very atoms your soul is made from - 18.2%
I am undead and do not require income - 18.2%
5000-10000 US Drachmas - 0%

Which of these are not athletes?
Goat herders - 45.5%
Salad shakers - 27.3%
Synchronised swimmers - 18.2%
Pizza twirlers - 9.1%
Bike couriers - 0%

How many people have you vowed revenge on in your life?
Entire species – entire planets - 44.4%
0-4 - 22.2%
5 - entire families - 22.2%
Entire families – entire corporations - 11.1%
Entire corporations – entire nations - 0%
Entire nations – entire species - 0%

ACT 4
This a 50 word story. It is wise to use stories when attempting to get fictional ideas across:

The Starship Ramses' bridge was on red alert: "Driiloxian religion suggests that negotiation..."
"Quiet. You're just the ship's cook, Wiggins," Captain Perkins muttered.
"But the last Captain always listened to..."
"And that is why we're lost 25 million light years from earth."
"Hmmm. Well, I can't argue with that."

ACT 5
In which Undercurrent and Undertow must converge to push forward, negating what has been laid before to force a new point-of-view on the viewer. One that goes forwardly. In this example we use "Links to Other Websites":

* A year ago we put forth the idea of Future Quaking. It appears that science has been checking out our interweb site. Here's the evidence, which means we're either visionaries, or a future visionary future quaked us.

* How to make respectable beef jerky

* Only 20 years after the Rambo cartoon: truck lazers

* Musical performances. The best: Finntroll. The worst: this

* The origin of the song "That's Amore"

CONCLUDING
Now we end.

Aloha,

This NZ Film Festival has been a buttock-punishing routine. An event that no amount of training can prepare one for. There are still three days to go in Wellington until sweaty backs are peeled from cinema seats and a city full of film junkies walk squinting into the sun to face the neglected wasteland that a life, vacated for two weeks, inevitably becomes. Here are our latest reviews from it...

* Audience of One (2007) - ***
* Comrades in Dreams (2006) - **
* Death of a President (2006) - ***
* Freedom's Fury (2006) - ****
* Manufacturing Dissent (2007) - **1/2
* No Mercy for the Rude (2006) - **
* Severance (2006) - ****1/2
* This is New Zealand (1969) / C'mon to New Zealand (1969) / This is Expo (1970) - ***1/2
* Venus (2006) - ***
* Violin, The (2005) - ****

That's it.