It's funny how there are things in life that you can't read about in books or look up on the internet.

But as you pass certain stages in your life, or experience different things, you kinda just end up figuring a lot of them out.  And then you're all like, "Ahhhhh – yeah, that makes a lot more sense."

Like I remember in 3^rd grade I had this teacher, Miss Henderson.  She was probably in her 50's, never married, could play all of these weird musical instruments you had never heard of, sang 1800's frontier songs, and could square dance from memory.

Back then, and for years afterwards, I firmly believed that after school she went home, drank hot apple cider, and read "The Little House on the Prairie" while sitting next to the fire place.

She wasn't a regular person, she was a teacher.  She was always at school when we got there, and was still there when we left.

If you told any of us that she lived at the school we would have probably believed it.

But now, later on in life, I have some friends who are teachers and I'm more familiar with the private lives of 50 year old single women.

So please forgive me if I'm a little taken aback by the realization that sweet and simple little Miss Henderson was probably spending her nights four towns over getting wasted at that hotel bar old truckers and divorcees frequent.  Then giving some 22 year old cougar hunter with mommy issues a blowjob in the front seat of his parents Civic station wagon before driving home drunk and crying herself to sleep because no man her age wants a meaningful relationship with her.

Or she was a lesbian.

Either way, it's kinda funny to look at the things you believe today and realize that in another 20 years you will probably have a completely different perspective on the matter and just might finally know the real truth.

Like, do old ladies really douche with moth balls?  Because it sure smells like it.

But I'm not going to really know the answer for another 60-70 years when I will most likely start frequenting 88 year old vagina's.

Or I really need some money and start gold digging at the Jewish Community Center…hmmm…

So a woman in Germany is scheduled for surgery on her leg and when she wakes up she finds out that she has a new anus instead…

For real?  Because I have a couple questions here.

First off – how the hell does this happen?  I mean, way way beyond the simple fact that the paperwork for something as serious as surgery should be checked a little bit more carefully – wouldn't the surgeon performing the operation see that something was wrong when he got in there?

Maybe I'm way off here, but I was always under the impression that surgeons were fairly specialized in what they did.  Would the same surgeon be trained in both leg surgeries as well as anal surgeries?  You know, Orthopedics and

Proctology?  Two different fields completely right?

"Well let's see here – yeah fellas, I'm not an anal surgeon here, I've been prepping all week to operate on this woman's leg, something is wrong here, let me see her chart.  Yeah, see…the paperwork here says 'new anus' not 'fix leg'…I don't know if I can do this, I mean…I don't know…well then again, it's all just surgery when you think about it…can the procedures really be all that different?  Aw hell, new anus it is!  Nurse, can you put away my leg scalpel and femur forceps, then sterilize my anal-stringer and rectal clamps?"

One might surmise that a surgeon so skilled in multiple fields wouldn't make such a ridiculous mistake in the first place, but who knows.

Secondly, how did the woman first realize what had happened?

"Good morning Mrs. Hapsburg!  I see that the anesthesia has finally worn off.  How are you feeling?  Are you enjoying your new anus?"

"…'New anus'…wait a second!  How come my leg still hurts!  You bastards!"

And finally, this woman is suing the hospital, probably rightly so.  But still, other than being rewarded the money for a new leg surgery for the one she never received, what more can you really expect them to give her?  I mean, she gets to keep the new anus, which is kinda like a plus right?

It's like taking your car in for new brakes and they put in a new engine instead.  You still need the new tires, but hey, free engine!

Oh, and one more thing!  Your anus can go bad?  WTF!?  Should I be looking out for this?  How does this happen?  Is this common?  I never put anything up in there, should that mean mine has a longer life expectancy than someone who gets reamed regularly?  Does it just stop holding things in?  Does your anus usually start leaking the older you get?  Is the new anus a transplant from a pig, or is it a mechanical one?

Okay yeah that was a lot more questions, but seriously – "new anus"?  I really have never heard of this before.  But now I'm curious…

I've never called anyone "sir".

Even as a little kid, I just never got the whole reasoning behind it.

Are you an old world property baron?  Have you been knighted by royalty?

Just what qualifications of the title sir have you achieved to warrant me addressing you in such a way?

Whenever I hear someone reprimand a small kid and tell them to call someone sir, it first let's me know how uneducated they are, and second shows just how disillusional and vain some people can be.

I mean, I'm sure this takes place in hundreds of thousands of households across America each and every day…

"Go to your room Billy, it's time for bed."

"I'm on my way!  Good night daddy!"

"What did you call me!?  'Daddy'!?  You will call me SIR!  Like a medieval knight in her majesties court!  I do not sell property and life insurance to 18 people a year and drive an Acura RDX only to be referred to as a commoner by my own son!  I am important!  Like Sir Lancelet and Sir Paul McCartney the rock star!  Just like them!  On the exact same level!  All children must call me sir, and provide me with ten bushels of hay a year as my title grants me!"

Seriously.  Have you killed a dragon?  Show me proof, such as some talons or impenetrable scales, and I will call you sir, but until then I will just make up my own title for you just as you have already done for yourself.

"Your Majesty the High Priestess of the Amazon."

"Sir."

So how many jousts have you successfully completed?  None?  You fucking fake ass prick.

If any kid EVER calls me sir I will simply point out that I don't have a sword and shield, and then tell him to call me Mike like a normal human being.

"But 'sir' is a sign of respect!"

No it's not, what it is is a sure sign of someone being an insecure phony who is still unknowingly trying to thumb their nose at an antiquated British class system.

Let's join modern times and try to feel important some other way.  Thanks.

I HATE Subway restaurants.

They've patented the two hour sandwich making process and it drives me nuts.

"But it's not 'fast food'."

I'm sorry, but if you're going some place to order food and it's not a sit down restaurant, then it's fast food.

I have to get back to work, I'm hungry, make my fucking sandwich already.

I told you what I want, forget the signed approval for every condiment, if it's going to take 15 minutes off of the process then give me a salt packet and I'll add it myself before I eat the fucking sandwich.

I just don't understand how they have built a franchise off of a concept that is so freakin' annoying.

If you're so anal that you have to have complete say over every stage of the sandwich making process – then make the fucking sandwich yourself!  Why did you even leave your house?  Buy the shit and put it together yourself.  Are you that fucking lazy?

So now the rest of us are stuck with a sandwich shop that in the face of all reason, refuses to allow customers to just order a sandwich.  Instead you get drug kicking and screaming along for the entire tedious process…

"Hi, may I help you?"

"Hi, yes, can I please have a BLT on toasted white bread with extra mayo?  Thanks."

He walks over to the beginning of the sandwich making process and you have to follow him.

"What do you want?"

"A BLT on toasted white bread with extra mayo."

"What type of bread?"

"Toasted white bread."

"White bread…do you want that toasted?"

"…yes…toasted white bread…"

He puts the bread onto the toast conveyor belt and heads back to the register.  The bread comes out and sits there for a couple minutes before another worker comes over to take over making the rest of the sandwich.

"Hi, what do you want on your sandwich?"

"Hey, well nothing fancy, just a plain old BLT with extra mayo."

"Okay, mayo.  What else?"

"Just a good old fashioned BLT.  That's it."

"Turkey?"

"Nah, that 't' is for tomato."

"Ah, gotcha.  Anything else?"

"…Well, some Bacon would be nice.  You know, keeping with the whole BLT concept."

"Got it.  Is that it?"

"…Uhm, some lettuce too."

"Do you want cheese?"

"Nope."

"Oregano?"

"No, thanks, the sandwich is done, just wrap it up please…"

Fucking Subway.

All I have to say is thank god for a little convenience store we have here in South Jersey called Wawa.  You go in, they have touch screens where you can build your sandwich anyway you want, it prints out a ticket behind the counter, they make the sandwich and hand it to you.

I love you Wawa.

Personally I don't believe that in the 2008 Presidential Election that we should elect Barack Obama as president.

And it's not because of his inexperience or questions that some people may have about his private personal views.  It's because he's black.

I'm really afraid of the whole, "once you go black, you never go back," law.

In case you aren't familiar with this, it's a policy that mostly exists down south whereas once someone experiences what a black person has to offer, they never want to experience a white person again.

Except in cases of rape, where then you hate all black people for the rest of your life.

But if Barack Obama is consensually elected as our next president, this would most likely mean that the United States would never again have a white male president.

And I'm a firm believer that it's dangerous for a country to only have one type of more or less racially cookie cutter leader all of the time.

And that's why we should never elect a black president.

Does anyone really like the game "Yahtzee"?

"Hey look at me, I just did something and now I get points or something – yee!"

To be honest, I don't really know how to play.  But it's not because I won't learn how to play, it's more because I refuse to ever learn how to play.

And that's why I was pretty surprised to hear of someone dying after a fight broke out over a game of Yahtzee.

Like first I pictured it like this…

"I'm bored.  There's nothing to do here."

"We've got some board games."

"Yeah?  Which ones?"

"Yahtzee."

"Yahtzee?  That sounds pretty gay.  What else?"

"That's all."

"All we've got to play is Yahtzee?  I find that hard to believe."

"Well believe it, because it's all that we've got."

"…I'd rather kill myself than play Yahtzee."

"Sorry, but it's all that we've got."

"Then fine, good bye…"

Then the dude shoots himself in the head.  To me, that would be the most logical Yahtzee related death situation.

But apparently I was way off.

What really happened was a guy and a girl got into an argument while actually PLAYING the game.  And when the girls boyfriend tried to take her side a freakin' knife fight broke out between the two guys!

And the guy playing killed the girls boyfriend!  How awesome is that!?

I mean, I don't know exactly what people who engage in knife fights are doing playing a stupid game like Yahtzee, but whatever, it's still pretty cool!

And I'll tell you something else, I sincerely bet that if each game of Yahtzee was required to end in a knife fight, more people would probably consider playing it.

That just sounds so much more exciting than whatever the heck else you do during a real game of Yahtzee.

Of course if I'm wrong here and the real object of Yahtzee is to knife your opponent to death, then I stand corrected and will formally apologize to Mr. Yahtzee, or whomever invented the game.

But if not, hey, why not consider amending the rules a bit?

If for no other reason than people are actually talking about Yahtzee, and it's all thanks to a deadly Yahtzee related knifing.

That counts as something, even in the world of board games.

I was thinking the other day, when it comes to commercialized holidays, what do the Muslims have?

The Jews have Chanukah, African-Americans have Kwanza, White people have Christmas, and the Asians piggy back off of the rest of us as usual.

"But what about Ramadan," you may ask?

Well what's that – starve yourself for a week, kill some Jews, then it's back to school and work?

That's not fun!

Where's the tradition, the singing, the dancing, the decorations, the imparting of valuable religious life lessons to children?

So I watched the news and learned about the Islamic culture, then I went from there…

First I came up with a folk hero to help get kids into the holiday spirit, and to help teach them the valuable moral lessons which the news teaches me are important to the Muslim people.

I call this character, "the Santa Sheik"…wait, no – "Mohammad Claus!"

The plan is that each year Mohammad Claus will ride into town in a broken down taxi pulled by his nine wives, where he will declare Jihad on all the bad boys and girls, as well as other infidels.

And to further discourage disobedient children, throughout the month of December he will release a series of videotapes on the Al Jazeera network featuring naughty kids pleading that they will be good next year before being graphically beheaded by Mohammad Claus himself.

Then, while holding up the kids head, he will instruct all of the Muslim kids in the world to be good, obey their parents, and to remember to hang their suicide belts next to their bed along with their signed promise for martyrdom.

If everything checks out, Mohammad Claus will give their parents $25,000 from the U.N. Oil for Food Program, and guarantee them 50 virgins in the after life.

Because unlike the greedy kids in western nations Christmas time, Muslim kids could care less about presents.  They just want their families taken care of after they are gone, as well as the opportunity to kill as many Jews as they can.

And that, after all, is the true spirit of the holidays.  Family and the perseverance of man.

A British teacher, Gillian Gibbons, who is teaching in Sudan was arrested and sentenced to be whipped 40 times for allowing her students to name a teddy bear "Muhammad".

Okay, I don't see the problem with this.  "Muhammad" is a TERRIBLE name for a teddy bear.

What ever happened to naming a teddy bear, "Fuzzy", "Benjamin", "Paddington", or "Winnie the Pooh".

But "Muhammad"!?

That's like wanting to name a teddy bear "Jeffrey Dahmer", or "Ted Bundy the teddy bear".

It just makes no sense.

Does she really want kids waking up in the middle of the night screaming, "Mommy!  Mommy!  Muhammad the bear is threatening to decapitate me in my sleep for listening to western style music!"

And what are school officials to think when they hear that Muhammad the teddy bear is now riding the bus with the kids?

It sounds to me that a teddy bear is a perfect disguise for Muhammad the terrorist to use to blow up a school bus full of kids because some rich Saudi royals told him that he and his family are poor because schools are teaching kids to speak English.

So it's just a really, really bad name for a teddy bear no matter which way you look at it.  And quite frankly, I think her getting only 40 lashes for such a poor choice of names is letting her off a little bit too easy.

PLUS, what the hell is she doing in Sudan!?  You don't go there to teach, you go there to die.

She should get whipped there for the stupid name thing, and then get whipped again when she gets back to Britain for being stupid and going to Sudan.

And in both cases, the people whipping her should dress up in teddy bear suits with Muhammad name tags while they whip her.

Because that would be funny.

Breast cancer is a horrible thing…BUT, the greater the tragedy the more important it is for us to take something positive away from it, right?

For example – let's say your wife ends up with breast cancer and has to have a mastectomy to remove her breasts.

Naturally she's very upset, and so are you.  She could potentially die, and while she's still alive it's going to be like being married to a freakin' man.

But, not wanting to look like a jerk in front of her hot friends who will become available after she kicks the bucket, you take her in your arms and say, "Don't worry baby.  Having gone through this together has only made me love you more.  Everything will be just fine…"

Of course then she's like, "But my breasts!  I don't even feel like a woman anymore…"

Well good, at least she sees it too.  But I digress…

This is precisely when you need to start seeing the positives, and say, "You know what, don't even worry about that.  We'll get you IMPLANTS, it'll be just like nothing happened…  Heck, screw that!  Screw cancer!  We'll show it who's boss!  We're going to get you the biggest damn set of titties we can!"

See.  Now if your wife ends up beating the cancer, even though you've had to go through a bunch of crap with her, you've now got a wife who has gone from small saggy tits to a wife with ginormous, tight, perky hooters.

So, it's kinda like it was all worth it in the end.  It just requires that you look at the positives…big ass, perky positives…mmm hmm…

Gotta love that cancer.  I call it, "the boobie improver."

But anyways, yeah, cancer sucks…

Civil Rights groups sure get all up in arms over a whole lot, but for some reason you never heard a peep out of them when it came to that "Sack-Of-Jew-Negroes" golden dollar coin that the U.S. Treasury issued a couple years back.

Yeah, now they've taken it out of circulation and are replacing it with dollar coins of the U.S. Presidents, but that doesn't get me un-banned from my local bank.

Apparently it's illegal to give a teller a five dollar bill and say, "Hi, can you give me eight quarters and three Sack-Of-Jew-Negroes in change please?"

Freaking racist Treasury Department…

With Chinese scientists already experimenting with the splicing of animal and human DNA, it's probably only a matter of time before they create something too big to be grown in a Petri dish.

And I guess that at that point they're going to have to actually incubate the thing in the womb of a human.

So my question is, what if the animal DNA that they're using at one point is Badger DNA?

Depending on exactly which traits and characteristics the creature they are growing takes from the Badger, you could end up with something so Badger like that it's not going to want to drop on out of a nice warm womb when it comes time to be delivered.

So, do you think that they would still use a regular obstetrician in this situation, or would they send a Dachshund, Terrier, or some other type of small Badger dog on up in there to drag it out?

I've seen decent sized dogs get a scent and manage to fit inside holes a human would have a hard time reaching into.

Plus, these dogs have been bred for hundreds of years for just this sort of thing.

You send it in, grab it's tail, pull it out – bam, there's your baby.

Not to mention, a dogs mouth is cleaner than a humans.  Think about it.

I want to start a publication called "Celebrity Taint Magazine".  I think it would be pretty popular.  It would be all pictures of the taints of celebrities.

You know, a big full page spread of their taint, and then a little circle off to the side with a picture of their face.  Because, it's pretty hard to get both a persons face and their taint into the same shot.

Now, you may be asking how I'm going to go about getting photographs of celebrities taints.  Well it's actually a lot easier than you may think.

First off, because both the celebrities face and taint cannot appear in the same picture, you're going to have a lot of celebrities claiming that the taints in my magazine just aren't theirs.

And, well, they will be right.  That's because the first issue of Celebrity Taint

Magazine will comprise completely of generic taint shots taken most likely of amateur taint models.

Which is all part of my plan, because when these celebrities call foul they will be forced to expose their taint in public so as to prove that the ones in my secretly fake issue of the magazine are not actually theirs.

And that my friends will be when I take the real pictures of their taints and use them in my real issue of Celebrity Taint Magazine.

So that's my plan – who wants in?

Yesterday I was taking a leisurely stroll around a nice tranquil lake when I came across a bunch of ducks sleeping.

Have you ever seen a duck sleep?

They just stand there along the side of the lake with their bill tucked under their wing and their eyes closed.  You can walk right up to them and they don't even move.

They look just like little feather covered footballs set up on tees.

Actually they looked EXACTLY like that, so I said to my lake walking companion, "Hey, you think I could run up there and punt one of those ducks out over the lake?"

And she said, "No!"

But not like, "No, and I dare you to prove otherwise."

But more like, "NO!  You'll kill the duck!"

So suffice to say I didn't get a chance to see if it would work.

But I'm pretty sure it would.

And I think that if you kicked the duck just right, it would go flying out over the lake and then wake up and take off in mid punt and fly even further.

I'm willing to bet if everything lined up just right, that you could get the duck to go like 400 yards before it would land and be like, "What the fuck just happened!  I don't know, but I'm gonna land now and go back to sleep because I'm a stupid duck."

What exactly happened to the Phantom of the Opera's face?

The whole story is so boring that I always fall asleep during it.

But if I had to guess, I'd imagine that this is what happened…

A long time ago the Phantom was a young poor boy growing up in India.  And for a boy he had a very effeminate look about him.

Seeing an opportunity, his father took to dressing him up in girls clothing and renting him out to travelers for sexual favors.

Well one day a very powerful Prince was traveling through town and saw the young boy, and thinking that he was a girl, fell in love with him.

The boys father, wanting the Prince's rich wedding dowry, ordered him to keep pretending to be a girl and to marry the Prince.

They had a large and very beautiful ceremony, and everything went just fine until well into the new couple's wedding night.

As half way through the Kama Sutra the Prince finally saw that his new wife had a penis, and as is custom in India, the Prince threw battery acid in the boys face.

Shamed, the boy made his way to America, and because he was Asian he was very good at playing piano's and organs.

And that is how he became the Phantom of the Opera and wore that mask.

Either that, or he was starring in some back alley snuff film porno with an alien robot who splooged acid all over his face.

…Hmm, maybe I should go watch it again, this is really starting to sound like an interesting musical.

I'm getting a little bit tired with all of these media and political types who are rushing to persecute Republican Senator Larry Craig by claiming that he is a homosexual.

Ok, so he was caught in an airport bathroom trying to solicit a male undercover cop for sex – yeah, so, I fail to see how that makes a person gay.

If two men having sex in an airport bathroom makes them "gay", then someone is going to have to explain to me just what being straight is.

Because when I see a man's penis entering another mans anus, I see two completely heterosexual men having a good time.

One mans penis in another mans mouth?

I say, let's get some beers and turn on the game, because this sounds like a regular man's mans night to me.

And P.S., no women allowed, they'll just gay things up with their gay ass Vagina's and Boobies.

But the most disturbing part in all of this is, just what are all of these straight-o-phobes credentials for saying someone is gay?

Oh, they have sex with "women", and have children with their "wives" – whoopty doo!

Even with all of that "heterosexual" crap on their resumes, it sure seems like they wouldn't know a straight conservative Republican family man if he sucked their cock in a men's room stall and then wiped the semen off with his tie.

That is how clueless these people are, even after examining all of the facts.

But I guess that's just the Liberal Media for ya – always trying to turn everyone gay on us.

I'm just happy that we have bold men like Senator Craig out there who isn't afraid to have sex with strange men in strange places just to prove that he isn't gay.

We should put him on our flag or something.