THE LAST MIRACLE MILE

Written by:  Mary Moon

Pages 163  - 173

This happened to the generations before us, first.  They ran inside at the very moment of their childhood trauma so they wouldn’t disappear, just like you and me.  They became desensitized to pain and hurt for their lifetime.  In that very instant, just like you and me, they became numb and desensitized to the feeling of pain both given and received.  They were compelled to find a way to make themselves feel better and that’s how they resorted to physical abuse and sexual abuse and some people have resorted to murder of others because their pain became too great.

They couldn’t find their way.  They couldn’t find their way.  They had already lost their hearts because they chose instead to hold on to their hearts pain instead of letting it back out.  Love doesn’t stand a chance to grow in a heart that’s filled with pain, only resentments and held onto offenses and grudges can grow which lead you into a cycle of spite and hate as you enter yourself into the arena of physical abuse or sexual abuse.

That’s why my “Beloved’s” rage was so great.  I’ve looked back on his life and I found that his life was enormously painful from birth to death and I’ve realized that his rage was his release valve, the only release he knew.  He didn’t have the benefit or opportunity even given to him to know the teachings of mental health; they didn’t exist profoundly enough at that time.

Pain must be let go of, before love can enter into the heart and grow.  You can find a fresh start if you lay down your hearts enormous pain and walk away; they did not.  Our passed over loved ones were so mentally and emotionally abused and battered for stuffing their pain that they felt and believed others had caused them that they didn’t even know their name.  I arrived at a place with my enormous pain that anyone who knew me before couldn’t even figure out my name; I looked and sounded like a lunatic.

Again, I repeat, it’s not some wicked spirit of perversion that snuck in the back door and attacked mankind that’s causing sexual abuse and physical abuse and even murders and assaults in the whole of mankind.  Can you finally see why it’s time to get out of the cycle of verbal abuse?  I’ve had the awakening of my life but only because of the amazing power of empathy for my offenders.  Empathy is the capacity to accurately perceive and respond to another person’s thoughts and feelings.  Empathy is also essential to creating real intimacy and satisfying long lasting relationships.

Sympathy is very different than empathy.  Sympathy is an involuntary feeling; it’s the passive experience of sharing another person’s fear, grief, anger or joy while empathy is an active process in which you try to learn all you can about another person’s life history, rather than having only superficial awareness.  We all have the innate capacity for empathy but we only tend to know how to exercise sympathy with one another.  I looked and searched for the ugly truths about myself and how it was that I fell and finally I could see for myself that I picked up the addiction to the cycle of verbal abuse and damaged my own life as I developed within myself the ability to empathize.

I’m not afraid to see the “me” that I became.  Once I saw myself plainly I ran like hell out of the river of denial; I couldn’t take how sad, lonely and numb I felt.  I’m sharing myself with anyone who’ll listen to what it takes to get real with their hearts because I’m trying to wake everyone up inside.  I’ve held myself and my knight up as examples into a light that is so bright it’s blinding as I try desperately to awaken first my loved ones and then the whole of mankind about the cycle of verbal abuse and everything that comes with it.  I’m going to let my words of truth spread throughout the globe, throughout all of mankind.  I intend to allow the sonnet of my heart to fly into the hearts of all the people of the universe.  I’m getting my story published because it’s my dream to see children free and clear of child abuse.  I’m an advocate for child abuse prevention.

But first, I’m trying to pull my family out of time and hang all of them out on a line by exposing all my truths about myself.  I’m trying to evoke emotions within them and the whole of mankind.  I’m trying to wake all their asses up right along with mankind’s asses.  I’m calling each of them by name to accountability.  My heart is instructing me to show the way out of OZ.  I’m writing an instruction manual for God sake.  I’m writing a map that can lead you and the whole of mankind out of this insane kingdom.

The event that awoke me from my slumber in the first place was when the hotel in my home town caught fire and burned to the ground.  After I witnessed the burning of that landmark hotel that was so dear to my heart is when I finally got to the end of myself.  I stood in the middle of the street watching the building smolder as I drew on the memories of my Grandfather who had once lived there before he died at the age of ninety four.  I was heart sick as I saw with my own eyes and realized the destruction that was still in my life as I gazed upon the twisted steal and fallen bricks.  That’s when I got up from the destruction and the ashes of my past and walked away from my life of pain because I could see myself clearly in the rubble of what was left of that hotel.

I was so desensitized to the pain that I was inflicting upon my family’s hearts and upon my own heart through my reactive anger and stuffing the pain that I thought others were causing me to feel because all I ever knew to do with the pain was to stuff it down into my heart, that’s all I had the ability to do was walk around numb and desensitized for the whole of my life leaving myself wide open to allow resentments and held onto offenses to grow between us, instead.  I left no room for love to flourish in my heart.

I fought like hell to find the way back to my hearts truth about myself as I found the ugly truth of how I was choosing to live my life.  That was the most anguish and sorrow I’ve ever felt in my life to realize how I had hurt my children and knight throughout my life.  I’ve made a decision to break this insidious cycle I kept participating in as I brought total silence to my loved ones and friends while I was trying to learn how to stop playing my established part once I found a place where I could take my stand.

I had to stop spinning and stop the confusion and strife everyone was spinning in; I couldn’t think.  I left the attempted shoot out at the O. K. Coral that everyone I loved was spinning in and procured myself some peace of mind as I got alone with myself in a very private place on purpose.  I just wanted my damn peace of mind.  I shut my mouth and turned on the ears to my heart so I could listen to what the hell my life had become and why.  I’ve learned to be still because on my twenty-one year journey back home to my heart I developed hinds feet to follow my hearts lead.  My heart was refusing to participate any longer in the circle of pain or the cycle of blame, hate and spite that I had walked in for the whole of my life and I was dead serious. 

I found that all you have to do is put on your brakes and stop; we all know how to drive a car.  I put my hands on the steering wheel of my life and tried to take control of my mouth.  We can, each one of us, learn how to stop participating in this cycle and in so doing we can teach our children and grandchildren a new path to take.  Let the children stay on the path of their hearts where His DNA is imprinted to show them the way and teach them right from wrong.  Stop speaking in front of the children passive and then aggressive in this pattern of communication that you’ve built for yourself to live your life from.  Stop cycling before their eyes and then call them our little friends.  

Having to participate in the cycle of verbal abuse in order to relate within their interpersonal relationships confuses them and it hurts them as they learn to hand out pain and take it in.  Lost dreams will be birthed in their hearts, they’ll lose their way and they’ll drift away from their hearts.  Their hearts leading is all they’ll ever need to live a successful and fulfilling life.  Their hearts were placed there by Him to lead them on life’s path.

It’s when they’re free to follow their hearts leading and their own intuition that they can grow strong and true.  It’s when they’ve been given the right to participate in their lives and learn how to judge things correctly for themselves that they can stand and be true to themselves.  It’s when their given a proper voice and a forum in which to express themselves that they’ll feel safe and can grow healthy.

Let them have the right to make decisions, right or wrong.  Let them do what they think is best for them as they find their way.  Give them the freedom to learn how to make good judgments for themselves.  A few bad ones may be seen along the way but their heart and their instincts is all they’ll need to show them the way back out from their mistake.  Let them become experiential learners; it teaches truth best.

Don’t lead them away from their hearts leading by confusing them with your harsh treatment of them and each other.  Stop crushing their spirits.  Allow them to trust what they see with their own eyes and allow them to feel what they sense is actually happening so that they can make the right choices in life.  Let them learn to trust their instincts and their guts.  Let them learn to be true to themselves.  They can see the truth.  You tell them it’s a lie by your actions and deeds and they’re afraid to trust their instincts about what they see you doing because you’re confusing them.  They know that the way you’re communicating with one another is wrong; they can sense how wounding it is to speak to one another in this style of communication.  Instead you’ve invited them to come and live with you in the illusion that you’re living as you hand out and give to them their established part in the cycle of verbal abuse.

Give them their personal space and let them learn what personal boundaries are and allow them to set their own boundaries about what they’ll allow others to do and say to them.  Allow them a forum in which to give voice to their emotions without the threat of retaliation for having used their voices to tell you what they don’t like.  Let them learn how to say no and set limits.  Give them their autonomy.  Let them belong to themselves and be true to themselves and not become for you what you need them to be for the sake of your emotional wellbeing.  Allow them to feel congruent with their own self’s.  Let them have the knowing that they’re doing the right thing by doing what’s best for them not being taught how to conform to conduct performed for the sake of everyone’s wellbeing within the family unit so you can all walk in unison with one another so the atmosphere is in some sort of control.

They can see the lie you’re living and they don’t want to live like you but they can’t figure out how not to because you don’t have a free forum within your households and consider it back talk if they use their voices to express their opinions, thoughts or any of their God given emotions that were given them for their good.  Stop leading them away from their hearts.  Let them learn how to sustain themselves, they’ll need these new skills for a happy fulfilling life.  Isn’t that what you want for your children and grandchildren?  Their hearts will tell them if it’s right of if it’s wrong.  The little ones know you’re wrong because they have their innocence still and are pure of heart and they can see right through you, you fools.  Their hearts are telling them you’re making a mistake just look at the confusion upon their face.

Look at the dim light in their eyes.  They’re all fainting and wilting and some of them have already become lost.  Some of them are already gone.  They’re numb and they’ve already been desensitized to the feeling of pain because they’ve already had to endure too much of it from you.  Look into their eyes.  Look into your children’s soul.  Look into my grandchildren’s eyes.  You’ll hate yourself for what you see I promise you.

Their hearts do have the ability right now that will tell them what’s right and what’s wrong and their hearts will tell them if it’s good or bad. Allow them learn to judge things for themselves correctly.  They could judge things for themselves if you would only allow them to see things clearly and stop confusing them by spinning amongst yourselves.

Let them be about the task of being instead of always doing what you think they’re supposed to be doing for the sake of the family unit’s wellbeing through conduct performed for the sake of the whole.  Let them participate in their life and decide for themselves what’s right or wrong, good or bad.  They don’t need you to tell them what’s right, wrong, good or bad through codes of conduct; their emotions, their hearts, will scream the truth to them.  His voice lives inside their hearts, He’s in all of us but they must be given the right to let their hearts voice lead them not your voice and the harsh cruel things you say and do to each other.  Don’t make them live their lives believing that they’re something that they are not.

The visual you’re handing them sends them down the same path of destruction you find yourself in.  You’re keeping yourself and them in the middle of confusion and strife by demanding they learn all the rules of conduct that you were taught to live your life from.  How do you expect a little one to find his footing and know how to stand when they’re standing in constant confusion and strife caused from communicating in interpersonal relationships the way you do.  It’s like standing in quick sand.

I realize that you don’t know that you’ve asked them to participate in and become a part of this insanity but now you’ve been shown different and it’s time for you to change and grow for their sake.  They’re all so little yet you teach them how to spin with you and you teach them to interact with the other little people in their lives in the same fashion that you are.  We’re all babbling.  Even the little ones are babbling, hitting and slapping one another.  Don’t lead the children away from the voice that will guide them through their journey in life.  Allow them to honor their hearts.  Allowing them to honor what they see as truth for themselves tells them that they have worth and value.  When you respect and cherish their hearts belief system it speaks that they’re valued and have worth.

I stood in the gap between heaven and earth praying to find the truth about what damaged mine and your life for twenty-one years of my life.  I had to know what I could do to make myself feel better.  I had to know what I could do that would help me reach this goal to feel whole and complete.  I just had to reach a place where I no longer felt broken, incomplete and half baked.  I wanted to be healed.  “Physician, heal thy self” was His reply to me as He showed the Divine truth about the cycle of verbal abuse to me.

For the past twenty-one years of my life I’ve continuously sought the answer to what I could change about myself that would make a lasting difference so I could one day constitute a change in my life that would lead me to feeling whole and complete.  For twenty-one years of my life I’ve sought the answer that would end the pain, fear, anger, need to control others, hurt, worry and loneliness that I was living in.  I was completely numb and desensitized for the whole of my life living like a robot or a walking zombie on automatic pilot while feeling lonely and sad.  It was pain, fear, anger, the need to control others, hurt, worry and loneliness that have lingered over my head my entire life that lead me to the platform of blame which in turn lead me into the land of OZ to act so insane.

I just knew there was a cause that made me lose my heart.  I found the answer to the riddle; it was my participation in the cycle of verbal abuse that brought such ruin into my life.  I had done it all to myself.  I hope and pray that my efforts will not be wasted on just myself.  I’m begging all of you, please wake up.  Please hear my hearts cry for all of us.  I can see you hurting, you’re all in such pain and it’s breaking my heart.  I fear I’ll never see your heart smiling again.  I truly understand your pain and hurt and my heart is aching for all of you.  I’m so desperately trying to show all of you the way back home to your hearts so you can find your fresh start.  My God, will you all please wake up and come out of your denial that you’re all standing in.  I need you all in my life.  Save ourselves.

I’ve waited for the root of evil that impacted my life and all of yours to be spoken to my heart for such a very long time.  Now I know that life has given me more than just memories.  I’ve always felt like that mustang horse.  I’ve always felt that I was the guard between the two packs of mustang horses.  I always had a plan from the get go of this journey that began for me when I was thirty five.  I was going to find my way out of feeling incomplete and half baked if it was the last thing I ever did and when I did I was going to take you all by the hands and guide you all out of this nightmare.  I was never going to allow anyone to get left behind and not be able to find their way home at the end of the day.  No way!

I’ve stood here and stamped my foot while snorting through my nostrils trying to get you to catch up to what I’m trying to show all of you.  I’ve been babbling for an entire year at all of you.  Would you all just wake the hell up?  I’m telling you, I’ve found the way out of OZ!

I knew I had excess baggage hanging over my life so I dared to open the suitcases of my excess baggage and see what was inside.  My hope and faith of one day finding a love that would feel genuine and pure to my heart spurred me onward.  I ran against the wind in hope and faith as I began to identify, label and put a name to the things that I needed to change.  I attended dozens of conferences on victims of abuse in several different states as I traveled throughout this nation.  You name it, I went.  I’ve lived in fifteen states and a foreign country and I was given ample opportunity to gain the knowledge I needed to make the changes in my life in order to grow and change.  I was being educated for free and it was my path to take to find my heart on my spiritual journey back home to myself.

I’ve attended many classes and several conferences in several states on the subject of the human condition of man.  I’ve been in private therapy several times and I’ve had couple therapy several times.  I’ve become so knowledgeable about the human condition of mankind that I could be a physiologist myself.  I’ve read everything I could get my hands on in the self-help book section of my favorite book stores.

I own many self-help books that I’ve read that are in my personal library of collections, which has brought significant change and growth to my life.  I’ve been studying the human condition of mankind for over twenty years of my life, while applying what I’ve learned to my life.  In fact, I think I’m writing my thesis right now, because I feel like I’ve been in college studying the condition of mankind for almost half my life.  Now in addition to what I already had under my belt, thirty six more weeks in domestic violence classes is quite a sufficient more amount to absorb, thank you very much.

I’ve been in college alright. I’ve earned a PhD. in the school of hard knocks.  I devoted myself to the education of mental health for twenty-one years of my life but I went one step further because I asked for Divine help as I began this spiritual journey.  I asked for my Best Friend’s guidance every step of the way.  I asked Him for the answers and His Divine guidance and I asked of Him to show me why I always felt so tattered and torn.  I asked of Him about my hurt and pain and how I could change my name and He shined a search light upon all my truths and I’ll never be the same.  He led me down the path that I was instructed to take twenty-one years ago when he asked, “Are you ready yet?”  It’s He who developed “hind’s feet” upon this soul.

My Best Friend came with me on this journey and encouraged me to learn how to turn away from the patterns and steps that he showed me were mine to posses as I walked in His grace.  I saw these things in myself with my very own eyes, first and that’s how I can see them in all of you.  I was not blind or deaf like the rest of you seem to be.  Like I said, I swam like hell out of my river of denial when I heard the truth about the cycle of verbal abuse spoken to my heart.  I became accountable for the first time in my life for my own choices.  I’m now writing an oral explanation and a narrative record of events that took place in my lifetime that’s acknowledges my worth.  I’m acting in a creditable way and the events in my lifetime are capable of being explained.  Everyone wants to be understood. 

My life does have worth and importance and I’ve turned my talent to good.  I got the hell out of the middle of my river of denial and ran to the shore to listen to my heart as my Best Friend showed me the worst parts of me that needed to change in order to constitute a real change in my life that I wanted so badly.  I could taste a healing in the air as I stood in front of that burned down building that was so dear to my heart.  That building smoldering from its very belly quicken my very soul.  It hurt so bad to see it go.  I ran to my Best Friend and cried so hard about what had happened in my home town.  That town is my heart and I love every soul within that town.

I’m still working diligently at recognizing when I’m on a step that can lead me to blaming or in my pattern of stuffing my pain that leads me into acting so insane because I’ve embraced the letting go of the cycle of verbal abuse in more than just theory.  I’m learning to identify what I keep doing that causes my heart pain.  I’m beginning to recognize all the patterns and steps that evoke this behavior from me.  I can identify what I’m doing and I can recognize and see for myself what I keep doing to hurt others and myself.  When I see me, I make a mental note and try my best to not make the same mistake again because I’ve embraced leaving the cycle of verbal abuse in the dust.  I’ve found true loves start.

You have to act out first; it makes you able to identify what you’re doing as you try to walk away from participating in the cycle of verbal abuse.  If you make the decision to leave the cycle of verbal abuse it has to be a firm decision and you have to commit yourself to the walking away from the cycle of verbal abuse and all of the destructive patterns that got you where you are.  You have to recognize when you’re spinning before you can stop.  You have to own what you’re doing before a lasting change can take hold in your life.  You have to recognize when you’re on a step and which step you were on before you reacted.  You’ll begin to see yourself as you act out then you can see yourself and will finally have the ability to admit to yourself that you’re a participant in the cycle of verbal abuse.

You have to own the truth about yourself before you can walk away from the cycle of verbal abuse.  You can ask yourself, was I feeling lonely when I reacted that way, or was I feeling angry, or was I afraid and that’s why I reacted to what was just spoken?  You’ll see yourself cycling when you get serious about laying down the cycle of verbal abuse so you too can feel whole and complete but of course that depends on how badly you want to find true loves start.

Watch yourself and ask yourself if you were you angry, hurt, lonely, fearful, or worried before you reacted to what was said when someone speaks their thoughts, opinions or speaks their emotion of anger to you about your wrongdoing?  Stop when you recognize yourself participating in the cycle and ask yourself what step were you’re on before you leaped to your platform of blame because you’re feeling the need to slap their name. 

Ask yourself which step you bolted from to arrive at blame as you want to jump into the cycle of verbal abuse and remain insane.  You have to label what you’re doing in order to recognize yourself so you can stop and walk away from the cycle of verbal abuse.  You have to journal all your pain away and you also have to identify what step you were on before you leaped to blame and returned fire. 

It’s time for all of you to stop participating in this dreadful cycle but you need to know it’s like a tiger that will need to be tamed; it’s very hard to recognize yourself and admit your real name.  You have to teach yourself to shut up when something is spoken to you that you didn’t like.  You have to realize that the person was not inviting you to fight.  You have to learn to keep your emotions to yourself as you identify what you’re feeling instead so you can find the held onto resentment, grudges or offense you’ve stuffed and ignored.  You have to take the time to stop and feel what your emotions experience when something is spoken to you that you didn’t like.  It’s extremely hard to get back in touch with all your good emotions after you’ve lived a life of feeling so numb.

You have to see the truth about yourself first before you can turn away and stop participating in the cycle of verbal abuse so that you too can find true loves start and give someone a whole heart not a heart half baked.  You can’t give someone your heart when you don’t even have full possession of it.  You have to own the condition of your heart and admit to yourself the condition your heart is in before you can take ownership of your heart and have possession of it.  When you have possession of your whole heart is when you can give it away. 

I know that the behavior patterns and steps that lead me to abuse have not been obliterated from my life but I do know for a fact that the doing these habitual behaviors are no good for me any longer, which is more than I can say for the rest of you.  Are you ready to leave the cycle of verbal abuse far behind or do you intend to embrace this truth in theory alone and expect to find true loves start none the same?  You won’t find true loves start if you can’t admit to doing your part.  Do you even want to give the whole of your heart or would you rather only begin and stay at the start and be the cause of another’s broken heart?  Are you going to buy a set of white wall tires and cruse “The Last Miracle Mile” or not?

Armed with the knowledge I’ve now attained from attending thirty six weeks of domestic violence classes on top of the many conferences and classes that I’ve attended about the human condition of man throughout fifteen states, I’ve been armed with the knowledge you need to embrace. 

I’m trying my best to stay clear from playing my part to the cause of another’s broken heart.  My whole heart to you I now impart.  I was always searching for the way home to my heart so a whole heart was mine to impart.  My efforts are real even though I keep finding myself drawn to make the same mistakes I at least know I’ve left the starting gate, even though I’m drawn to make the same mistakes.  Won’t you please join me and become an advocate for child abuse prevention?  Come and do your social work for your children and grandchildren’s sake.

THE LAST MIRACLE MILE

Written by:  Mary Moon

Pages 152 - 162

There were so many experiences to be had by me on ‘The Last Miracle Mile” of my journey back home to the truth about myself while on my way back home to my heart and music has always been important to me so let me share another experience that was mine to have.

One evening while alone in my apartment a song was playing over my radio, as usual, and my heart spoke to me and told me to listen to the drums.  My heart said, “Listen to its beat.”  As I did, I was reminded of my “Drummer Boy.”

It felt as though he was, once again, playing his drums for me as if he was showing me the beat to stay true to my hearts leading.  As I listened closely to the music I could hear the guitar strumming and then that instrument would ring in my ears.  I would sing along with the songs and was reminded of the fondest memories with my “Drummer Boy.”

He played his drums in every song that I listened to so I could race home to my heart by his beats.  The drums he played in every song I listened too are still ringing in my ears as I raced by his beats to find the answers for you and for me.  One song in particular that I listened to had a drum solo to be heard with my heart as I tuned in my hearts frequency.  My “Drummer Boy” beat his drums through that song and got a standing ovation from me at its end.  That particular drum solo that presided in this song is still ringing in my ears as I raced by my “Drummer Boys” beats to find the answer for you and for me. 

He beat his drums strong, true, loud and clear in every single song I listened to.  My “Drummer Boys” beats were always true as he shinned his light on me like a beacon on a hillside so I could see and recognize the root to my hearts pain.  I love that “music man.”  It wasn’t long until I found myself beginning to sing my hearts truth and I suddenly realized that I was following its true beat.

I love the drums.  I love the drums.  I loved the drums best.

My heart showed me that my passed over loved ones indeed had a role to play in my life.  The individual parts each of them played is what showed me the way back home to my heart.  Each loved one screamed at me and tried to show me the truth about the cycle of verbal abuse when they were alive and as I drew upon my memories of each of my passed over loved ones I could see the truth of that.  It became apparent to me what it was that had damaged mine and your hearts because I dared to see them clearly for what they were not.  The whole time they had been my beacon on a hillside.

How could I not forgive a sacrifice such as theirs that they had made for me?  What a sacrifice they truly made for me to lay down their lives and shine so bright for my eyes to see what really happened to you and me.  Now, instead of me calling what happened to me by their names I can give the damage in my life its proper name, the cycle of verbal abuse.  I finally realized it was time to stop blaming others for the condition I let my emotional wellbeing become.  Armed with understanding and empathy for their lost lives has set me free to speak my hearts truth to all of you.  What a real blessing they really had always been to me and you and I’ll never forget their sacrifices that were made for my sake.

Another experience to be had on this “Last Miracle Mile” that will be mine to cherish to the day I die, occurred as I was sitting at the river by the water’s edge in “Shakespeare’s Garden.”  That’s when I first heard the thundering noise of a heard of wild mustang horses then witnessed their arrival upon the forest where I was sitting.  I saw them galloping through the trees in their approach of me.  These mustang horses ran with a thunderous sound and came in from a distance far behind.  They ran across my very eyes and path as they ran their way through the trees.

One particular horse suddenly stopped dead in his tracks as the pack he had been running in ran ahead and left him behind.  He just stood all alone as the pack he was running in moved ahead.  As he stood there it seemed he was waiting as I sat watching him.  I could sense that he was waiting for some unknown reason as he labored for breath and stomped his foot at the ground.  He waited for the longest time when suddenly in the distance I could hear more mustang horses making their way to him. 

As they approached, he then left his stead and began racing ahead to catch up with the front of the pack.  Holy cow, you should have seen the look in the lead horse’s eyes that was at the head of the slower pack.  That horse picked up speed and started running like hell to catch up with the former lone mustang that was now racing away toward the head of the pack.  The stragglers that were within this second pack of mustang horses were forced to increase their speed as they saw that mustang bolt away from them.  They knew they were at the end of their day and if they didn’t run with that mustang horse who was leading their pack that they’d never find their way back home to each other at the end of the day.

My heart spoke and said, “Listen to the sound of the thunder in their feet,” and as I listened I could hear the millions of others who had ever dared to try to find their way back home to their hearts.  The thunderous noise went on forever as the two packs of horses raced across the park through the trees and out of sight.  I just wept and wept.

I could hear the thunder of their hoofs for the longest time as I sat in the dust of the evening and as the sound of their thunderous feet echoed through the trees my heart spoke again and said that I was that mustang horse who wanted to run with the pack out in front but that I was given a heart that chose instead to be the guard between.  My heart spoke to me and said that I wanted to be certain to show others the way to the front of the pack because as far as I was concerned no one was getting left behind on my stead.  I have been so humbled.

I can’t even begin to tell you the sorrow it brought me to tell the cycle of verbal abuse goodbye.  I had to admit to myself that I was holding onto resentments of the offenses and grudges of my past.  I had to admit that I was holding on to the pain from past hurts throughout my lifetime and that I had stored all my grudges held.  I admitted to myself that I had been embracing pain for the whole of my life and had been letting it abide in my heart.

I admitted that I had an established part in the cycle of verbal abuse.  I played my part in this cycle loud and clear for everyone else to see and hear.  I could see that this cycle was remaining in my life because I was refusing to let go of the pain in my heart and never allowing it a chance to be let back out.  I could see how over the years I had continued the pattern of taking in pain never to be let back out again.  I could see how I was blaming others for the condition of my heart by holding on to the pain that I thought others had caused me.  I had to admit to myself that I was embracing all my past hurts from all the relationships in my life.

This horrible cycle is the heart sickness in all of mankind.  This cycle has spun too long through all the previous generations of mankind since the beginning of time itself.  My passed over loved ones fought like hell to get back to their hearts but never did.  I heard them in the thunder of the mustang’s hoofs as they ran together at the dusk of night.  My passed over loved ones, each one, fought valiantly and became my beacon on a hillside that showed me the truth about what damaged yours and my hearts.

We each are guilty of killing the spirit of another’s heart.  Do you dare to look into the eyes and heart of your mate?  Look into the eyes and heart of your Mother, your sister, your brother or friend.  Look into the eyes of your child; I don’t care how old they are.  Go ahead and look into their eyes; you’ll hate what you see.  You’ll see the fire their eyes once danced in has gone out.  It goes on and on as we kill the spirit and heart of the other and then we have the audacity to ask ourselves why we’re so damn unhappy?  It’s because we’re killing one another with our mouths and behaviors.

When we emotionally and mentally batter our spouses, our mates, all our loved ones, children, grandchildren and friends with our reactive anger, because we’re spinning in the cycle of verbal abuse, we extinguish the light in their souls.  The pain we give to their hearts is what’s killing their souls and we’re doing it with our mouths.  Sometimes our reactive words feel like we’ve slapped them in the face with the back of our hand.  That’s because verbal abuse is the root to all abuse.

The pain that’s taken into the heart that’s been caused from the cycling together is the pain that leads a person to physical abuse.  When you’ve participated in the cycle of verbal abuse for a life time there’s too much pain sitting in your heart, like an open festering wound.

When your heart is breaking and you think you can’t handle any more pain being spoken to your heart from reactive anger is when you could easily cross over a reasonable barrier.  You can take yourself into the most hideous of places and you can resort to physical abuse just to find a release from your great pain.  You feel compelled to escalate in self defense of your broken heart and you find yourself crossing over that fine line and reacting out of your furry felt.  You can find yourself putting a cigarette out on the forehead of your mate.

Yes indeed, if you participate long enough in stuffing pain until you’re literally battered emotionally and mentally because of that behavior embraced you could resort to just about anything to shut that pain up.  You’d be surprised at how easy it is to extinguish a cigarette on the forehead of your mate after a lifetime of cycling together and hitting each other’s hearts to death after thirty six years with reactive anger.  If a heart is filled with too much pain that’s been caused by the cycling together with a person in the cycle of verbal abuse for a life time then it can escalate into many unnatural behaviors when so provoked.  You can put a cigarette out on the forehead of your mate.

I can liken what I did by putting a cigarette out on the forehead of my mate to the way my behavior became as I escalated into the release of my hearts pain with Larry Terrifying as I was busy cycling together in the relationship of spite and hate towards others with him.  I’m referring to the scum bag who stole my money.  You know, the one I released my great pain with by having sex with him to relive my painful heart.

With my own lovely knight I chose to release my hearts pain as I resorted to physical abuse to stop my hearts pain and to shut his mouth from what I thought he was causing my heart to feel and what I did with Mr. Perpetrator was to allow my spite and hate that I felt for my knight to be taken out on him through sexual abuse of him through having sex with him.  I was one pissed off cowgirl when I left my knight and I was full of blame.  I hated my knight and I blamed him for the pain my heart was feeling.  I hate myself for hating him.  I had sex with Larry Terrifying to relieve the pain in my heart that I had taken in.  It’s very painful to hate someone.  I hate myself for hating my knight; I absolutely hate myself for hating him.

I know, first hand, that the pain in the heart of a person can become so great that they have to find a release.  When a person reaches this stage they’re absolutely obsessed with a need to stop their hearts great pain and because I’ve personally participated in the cycle of verbal abuse that I’ve been spinning in for forty nine years I can say with certainty that this is how physical and sexual abuse is brought forth and perpetrated upon another’s heart, mind and body.  I participated in both these unnatural behaviors personally and it came forth in me like a steaming locomotive headed for a cliff.

I was my knight’s virgin and had been united for thirty six years and I had never had sex with anyone except my knight.  I’m telling you, unnatural behaviors that were totally out of character for me came screaming forth from within.  I was obsessed and compelled to release the pain my heart was in when I had sex with this horrid man, just as obsessed and compelled to release the pain my heart was in when I doused my cigarette out on the forehead of my knight as I resorted to physical abuse to release my hearts pain.  I felt compelled to defend the pain in my heart that I thought my knight was causing me.

When I entered into physical abuse and sexual abuse it was like having an out of body experience.  I dived off my platform of blame and off I went into a “field of folly” that hurt like hell.  I entered into physical abuse and sexual abuse to make myself feel better and it sprung froth from my participation in the cycle of verbal abuse.  That’s where these horrid behaviors found their birth.  My behaviors toward my knight, Larry Terrifying and Sir Trip and Fall who I met at “Shakespeare’s Garden” were totally bazaar and unnatural for me.

I submitted to my own very unnatural impulses to participate in both physical abuse that I gave to my fair knight by putting a cigarette out on his forehead and I submitted myself to a very unnatural impulse to have sex with some jerk I didn’t even know.  That’s because the behavior looks insane when you cross over into physical and sexual abuses after a lifetime of spinning in the cycle of verbal abuse.

With my knight, I crossed over that line and was physically abusive.  I didn’t care about how it made him or me feel.  With Larry Terrifying I became more than sexually promiscuous and I acted on releasing my great pain that I was suffering with by having sex with him.  I didn’t care about how it made me or him feel and I was using Sir Trip and Fall to release my pain by being promiscuous and flirtatious with him.  I didn’t care how that made me or him feel.  I was absolutely obsessed with and compelled to find a release for my hearts pain.

Physical abuse and sexual abuses are birthed from the cycle of verbal abuse.  Do I need to say it again?  Physical abuse and sexual abuses are birthed from the cycle of verbal abuse.  Now can you see why it’s so important to get out of the cycle of verbal abuse?  I’ve had the awakening of my life.  It wasn’t some wicked spirit of perversion that snuck in the back door and invaded our lives.

After my initial trauma an abusive heart was birthed in me as a child and after a life time of having gone through a revolving door of stuffing my pain into my heart it drove me over the edge.  I hated both of the other men’s touch of me.  Their touch was unnatural and felt abusive to me.  I could feel their intent and their false pretense.  I could feel my intent and my false pretense toward them.  It made me sick of heart.  I imagine I made Sir Trip and Fall who I imposed myself upon felt pretty sick of heart too but I don’t think Larry Terrifying can feel.

Naturally, I believe that when enormous pain is taken into the heart and left to abide that it’s the pain that leads to physical abuse and sexual abuses.  Of course I believe this, I did it and it felt abusive because it was abusive.  I sprang forth into these unnatural behaviors from the cycle of verbal abuse.  The cycle of verbal abuse is what birthed physical abuse, molestation, incest, and sexual abuse of any nature and even the murder and killing of another person.  These distorted behaviors are a release valve for a much overburdened painful heart, especially when you’ve emotionally and mentally battered yourself to death by holding onto the pain that you believe others have caused you.

Physical abuse and sexual abuse and murders can find their start and are birthed from the cycle of verbal abuse.  It’s the direct result of the pain that has been inflicted on the heart of someone who’s emotionally and mentally battered by their participation in the cycle of verbal abuse.  Of this I can personally attest.  The behaviors I entered into were totally unnatural for me. 

My knight convinced himself and the whole of my family that I was by-polar when I left and hid myself away refusing to speak to anyone.  My knight petitioned the court to order my ass to a physic ward because I was refusing to speak to any member of my family while I was working out my pain and hurt in my seclusion.  He jumped to a wrong conclusion about the situation from his fears.

Yep, there I was, mad as hell wanting to kick someone’s ass for having been hand cuffed and carted off in the back of a police car and taken to a physic ward as I stood in a the middle of the room while being locked down for safe keeping.  I was just wishing my knight would walk through the door so I could kick his ass for having me picked up and carted off and placed into more insanity through a court petition out of his fears.  Fear is one of the steps that lead you into the platform of blame that causes you to spin in the cycle of verbal abuse.

I was already spinning fast enough on my own for having left him and now because of his actions because of his fears I was spinning even harder.  I had already pushed myself into spinning hard enough because of my choice to believe it was his fault that I was in such pain and then he had me court ordered to a physic ward.  I wanted to kill him.  They were telling me that being court ordered into a physic ward could take from three to six months to get out.  I was horrified and petrified not to mention pissed as hell!

I was refusing to speak to any of my loved ones so I could stop participating in this dreadful cycle that was mine to own.  I was trying to stop spinning in the cycle of verbal abuse with my knight personally and was refusing to speak to him.  He was trying to force my hand as he was demanding that I listen to his spite and hate he wanted to spew upon my head because of the pain he was feeling for my having cut our cord and leaving him once and for all as he was blaming me for his pain.

He kept saying to me through e-mails that he just wanted me to sit and listen to him but all he really wanted was the forum to spit his anger, rage, hate, spite, and furry at me because he was blaming me for the pain that he felt when I cut our cord that bound and I wouldn’t give it to him.  He was asking me to submit to his anger, hate and spite and be allowed to projectile vomit his hate and spite at me and I wouldn’t give him an audience, I had laid down my boundary line and I meant it.  He had to resort to speaking his spite and hate of me through e-mails being sent to me as he tried to gain a forum in which to spill out his hate and spite because I left him and left him feeling so helpless by not speaking to him.  There was total silence from my end of the e-mails.

I was refusing to speak or answer any of his e-mails. I was refusing to speak at all to anyone until I could get to the bottom of my hurt and pain.  There was total silence at my end and he didn’t even know where I was living so that’s why he petitioned the court out of his fear, he couldn’t find me.  I was trying so hard to quit from participating in this cycle that I threw the baby out with the bath water as I ran away and hid myself from him and everyone while refusing him or anyone the right they felt they had to spew their venom of spite and hate they had risen up in and felt toward me for having hurt him so.

I ran and hid myself from him trying to stop him from tormenting me with his need to spew his pain upon my head and heart that he felt I had caused him.  I wouldn’t allow him to; I had drawn my boundary line with him.  I said no and I meant it, it was time to stop cycling with one another.  I cut our cord of connection that we were bound with.  I cut the cord of the cycle of verbal abuse and got the hell out of Dodge.  I left it all behind.

I was already spinning in my own insanity with these other men and thank God for small favors because my knight had done a whole lot of spinning of his own through e-mails being sent to me across the waves and I was not acknowledging them as received.  He wrote three hundred and seventy five hateful e-mails to me trying to get me to allow him a forum in which to have his audience with me.  He was standing squarely on the diving board as he too was standing in blame for the pain he had felt he had been caused from me.  You bet he blamed me for slaying his heart by telling him through my doubt and fear that I was never in love with him from out start.

Finally, after twenty four hours of not knowing if I would ever see the light of day or not, I got an audience with the head nurse of the ward I had been petitioned to.  She asked me why I thought I should be allowed to leave, and I in no uncertain terms after dropping the “F” bomb about a dozen times told her that she needed to let me the hell out, yesterday.  She asked me why she would do that and I said go to my e-mail account for it was time to blame my knight once more.

When she left me alone in the room that I had finally gained my audience with her in as she left to check my email account I could see her arms flailing about as she read the e-mails.  She started opening some of the few three hundred and seventy five e-mails of my knight’s attempts to participate with me in the cycle of verbal abuse and that’s when I got released.  I simply told the nurse to go to my account and read what was happening to me for having left my knight.  After reading a few of the hateful e-mails as I watched her anger mount because of what was spoken to me from my knight is when the head nurse walked back into the room she left me in and said, “Mrs. Moon, you’re out of here, you’re being abused like hell by this knight.”

It was so bad what he had spoken to me with the three hundred and something venomous e-mails he had sent my way because of the great pain he was left him in when I said I was never in love with him from our start and left his bleeding and dying heart, that the head nurse asked me if I needed a list of shelters to go to that would keep me safe from his ever advancing spite, hurt and pain that he was directing at me.

But it wasn’t over yet.  Oh, hell no, the fat lady had not sung.  I was going to show my knight a thing or two for having me carted off in hand cuffs and put in the back of a police car and driven to be locked up in a physic ward for an undetermined amount of time out of his fear.  I took that personally and I didn’t care if it was out of his love and concern for my wellbeing so I went to the police station when I got out and reported our physical abuse of each other that occurred just prior to leaving my knight months before.  I told them how I had burned him with a cigarette and how he had slapped me up aside my head and abused me with the foulest of names.  Cycle, cycle among ourselves we continue to go; then its abuser, victim; victim, abuser.

The fateful night that I put my cigarette out upon my knights forehead was because he wouldn’t stop calling me a foul name as he threatened me with the loss of my newly earned Realtor license if I did anything stupid so I burned him with my cigarette and he then hit me up aside the head knocking me to the sofa which broke my fall.  I landed on the sofa instead of the floor because I was busy standing near my sweet knight.  I had my dainty bare foot in his chest as I was dousing my cigarette out on his forehead.

Well, after I was released from the physic ward I went to the police station and told on myself and him.  That was a mistake.  I then had to go to court.  A detective was sent to my knight’s residence to follow up on my police report and because he was scared on his forehead I was given thirty six weeks of domestic violence classes and that’s where I met “Merry Maiden.” 

Guess I showed his ass who was boss by going to the police and ratting us both out.  Like I said, I was a shin kicker when I was a buttercup.  Cycle, cycle amongst ourselves; victim, abuser, abuser then victim; on and on it goes throughout mankind, in every household on the face of the globe; onward marches the cycle of verbal abuse.

The point that I’m truly trying to make by exposing such truths that were between my knight and myself is that verbal abuse cycles.  I’m not trying to humiliate the two of us but the truth about the cycle of verbal abuse must be shown so others can see themselves participating in this horrid cycle so I’ve used us as examples to show others the error of their ways and to prove to them that the cycle of verbal abuse has birthed physical and sexual abuse of others.  Like I said, the cycle of verbal abuse has even produced the murder of another from the heart of a person who has held onto their life’s pain and has blamed the other for that pain that they no longer can endure so they murder that person for the pain they think that person has brought to them.

The cycle of verbal abuse is; victim abuser, abuser, victim, victim abuser, abuser, victim.  Damn straight I found my answer about the cycle of verbal abuse; I participated in the most unnatural impulses of physical abuse and sexual abuse that I could possibly find in order to find the truth that physical abuse and sexual abuse found their way into our lives because of our own participation in the cycle of verbal abuse.

I’m an experiential learner and I learned these lessons the hard way like I always have learned my life lessons while following my hearts beat on the journey back home to my heart.  My heart now knows a lie from the truth.  I’ve been convinced.  I learned these lessons well.  I don’t need anyone to tell me what’s good or bad, happy or sad and I don’t need anyone to tell me what I should do or what I should be for them ever again.

Participating in the cycle of verbal abuse is the core issue that leads a person into too much pain that they feel compelled or forced to participate in physical abuse, or sexual abuses or even murder.  You absolutely can’t stop yourself from participating in physical abuse and sexual abuses or the murder of another when your hearts pain has taken in too much pain as you blame the other for that pain.  People have even killed another from their spin in the cycle of verbal abuse.

You’re compelled, absolutely compelled and obsessed to participate in unnatural impulses that are birthed from the pain that the cycle of verbal abuse brings after participating in it for a life time and stuffing all your pain into a heart that can’t hold another drop of pain.  When a person has stuffed to much pain down into their heart they feel the need to inflict such horrid behaviors as physical abuse and sexual abuse or even murders upon someone else’s head because they’re blaming the other for the pain they’ve allowed to come in and never let back out in the proper fashion.  You don’t give a damn how you’re making the other person feel when your heart can’t handle another drop of pain that you yourself unknowingly let come in to reside for a lifetime because you blame another for your hearts condition.  There’s nowhere else to go but up when a heart has had enough.  That’s why I and my knight acted so insane.

After your words can’t express your hearts great pain, physical abuse and sexual abuses or even murders are birthed and perpetrated upon another because you blame them for the pain that’s within your heart.  It’s the result of what comes from the cycle of verbal abuse.  Now do you see the importance of leaving the cycle of verbal abuse?

In the world of the cycle of verbal abuse you try to tell the person that you think is hurting your heart to stop doing what they’re doing and just shut up or stop doing what they are but they will not.  You feel like you have no real choice because they won’t stop hurting your heart so in your hurt, furry and helplessness to make them stop you rise up in blame instead.  There is nowhere to go but up when the heart has had enough.

You’ve never learned that you’re allowed to speak the truth to the one who you think is harming you with their words or deeds because you’ve been taught that to speak to someone and confront them with their wrongdoings in an angry tone should bring you fear to try because of the conduct rules we’ve all embraced that are within the “private code” and “silent code.”

These are the codes of conduct that are held within the cycle of verbal abuse and when you can’t stop another from hurting you with their reactive anger then that makes you feel like you have no real choice and you’re made to feel helpless so instead you act out your pain and hurt in a vicious manner.  You never learned how to give expression to your anger and pain that you yourself have allowed to be buried within your heart and to act out has become the accepted norm instead.

When the offense that’s too hard to bear hits your heart because you’ve held onto resentments, past grudges and pain and you’re blaming another for your hearts condition, your heart begins to scream, “Stop, please stop”  because you just want the pain to stop penetrating your heart as you’re made to feel helpless as hell.  My knight felt helpless to stop me from walking out of his life and it was causing him horrific pain, and I couldn’t stop him from calling me that hurtful name and threatening me with the loss of my Realtor license if I did anything stupid that was causing my heart such horrific pain.

We were both instead choosing to stand on our platform of blame and blame the other for our hurt feelings while allowing that hurt and pain within our hearts to remain, as we both were left feeling helpless as hell.  We either one took the time to confront the issue; instead we just acted our part to the cause of another’s broken heart, just the way we both had been taught.

The generation before us and the ones before them were forced to learn how to carry that huge pain; they never found a way to make it stop.  They held onto every drop of pain and hurt until they dropped.  That pain was heavy that I carried into my “field of folly.”  The generations before us were forced to learn how to survive the living of a life full of enormous emotional pain that they had been taught they had to stuff down into their hearts.  Their hearts pain was so great that they felt doomed.  Their pain was first caused by the cycle of verbal abuse that was given to them from their family of origin and they learned how to give it back too because it’s what they were taught.

They were taught that there was never going to be an escape from the hurt and pain and that they were to instead embrace the “silent code” and “privacy code” from which to live their lives.  They didn’t know they could simply journal it back out and express with words on paper in order to make themselves feel better.  Such a simple concept to follow but no one knew that’s all it would take so they never bothered to let their pain back out.  They carried it for the whole of their lives stockpiling pain, resentments and held onto grudges for an absolute life time until they were gone off the face of this earth.  They died from heart failure at the end of their lives.

They surrendered to the cycle of verbal abuse that existed in the families that they were being raised in.  At the very moment of their personal trauma they laid down like whipped dogs and died, numbed and desensitized just like you and me for the rest of their God given life.  Once their trauma hit them between the eyes and murdered their hearts they yielded and submitted to the unspoken rules and codes that their family unit had given to them and they gave themselves over to what they were being taught, which was to stuff pain down into your heart.  Cycle, cycle among ourselves; abuser victim, victim abuser, abuser victim, victim abuser is all we know how to do.

Then we come out of our homes and find other people with whom we may cycle the way that we were all taught.  We find other people with whom to spin as we bounce off of one another then we teach this entire process to our children so they’re sure to know how to cycle with other little people that are in their lives.

Babble, babble; clang, clang, clang.  Aren’t we a confounded people?  Hum?  On and on it goes as mankind keeps spinning in the cycle of verbal abuse.  The cycle of verbal abuse has been spinning in the lives of people since the beginning of time.  This sick way of communicating with one another has been going on since the beginning of time itself.  The generations before us carried enormous pain in their hearts that also pushed them into physical abuse and sexual abuses and even murders have been birthed from the participation in the cycle of verbal abuse. 

Don’t get me wrong, each generation felt compelled to do the best that they could but in choosing to hold onto their hearts pain and not ever letting it out their hearts they became numb, leaving them desensitized to the pain they were causing to both themselves and to others as they ran deep inside themselves instead.  This routine started for them, as children, when the trauma that broke their hearts crashed into their lives first.  At a given moment in time, just like you and me and as though on cue the trauma arrives and strikes the child’s heart causing that small person to run deep inside themselves.  Our loved ones were only trying to survive.  For the whole of their lives they were trying to survive with the only skills they had been given to live their life from.

THE LAST MIRACLE MILE

Written by:  Mary Moon

Pages 143 - 152

I met yet another man in “Shakespeare’s Garden” and without any personal boundaries established for myself that would govern my life this man could sense and knew that he’d be able to cross.  This man took advantage of the fact that I had no boundaries established for myself and he began to cross every undetermined boundary I didn’t have in place.  With this man I did act on my sensuality, go figure.  I realize now that what I did with this man was finally give release to the great pain I had allowed to remain in my heart by having sex with him.  He became just the outlet my pain was looking for because I was in such pain from leaving my knight.  I acted on my unnatural impulses, instead.  I didn’t listen to my heart that was screaming stop.

He was a depraved, shallow, disgusting little man and he had no substance at all.  There was no luster in his armor or his eyes when first we met.  He was only looking for a victim that he could use that would bring him benefit.  He had used sex to attain the release for his hearts great pain for the whole of his life and it was obvious to me that he was just what I needed at the time.

I inducted myself into this spin with him, as well.  He knew no boundaries for another’s heart because he himself had only a flicker of love for a selected few other people that existed in mankind.   I found myself trying to control him too as I asked him to be for me what I needed him to be so I could feel better.  I know the reason I had sex with him.  I had sex with him to release the great pain that was abiding in my heart.  I just wanted the pain to stop that was within my heart by the time I met this disgusting human being.  He, however, was busy controlling me so he could rob my ass blind.  He must have been plotting in his mind for quite some time how to relieve me of my cash.

I had just emptied my checking account out of my deluded fears and had an enormous amount of cash within my home in a safety deposit box.  He both robbed me of my dignity and my cash on his way running out of the front door of my life. What he did to me was unbelievable.  I had to vacate the apartment I had rented for myself when I left my knight because I had no money to pay my rent.  I lived on commission because I was a Realtor and there was nothing coming my way any time soon and now I was flat broke.  I had no home closings coming my way and I didn’t even have another client who wanted to buy or sell a home.

I was now officially broke and absolutely destitute.  I didn’t even have money for food.  I had to apply for food stamps just to eat.  I landed in the streets on my ass.  I was penniless and bouncing around like a rubber ball because of this man’s hateful heart that was demonstrated to me.  What he did to my heart was incorrigible all because he was busy spinning in his cycle of spite and hate that he felt for others.  The fear that gripped my heart as he stripped me of my dignity on his way out the door of my life was unbearable.  I felt my dignity being stripped from my body.  This man robbed me and took my dignity with him as he ran out the front door of my life, not to mention he took $10,000 of my cash.

It was like walking through a house of horrors with this pathetic pain in the ass because his soul was so dark that it felt like he was going to scare me at the next chance he got.  I just didn’t believe that he would, I didn’t know anyone could be that cruel.  I had a knowing deep within my heart that if he was to get crazy he’d kill someone’s spirit for a bowl of lucky charms or the silly rabbit.  It was like in his soul he thought himself to be a cereal killer and his name should be Larry Terrifying as he looked upon me and thought to himself how easy it was going to be to take advantage of me.

I hope that he at least paid his back child support with my cash before he split town and headed back for the sea of loneliness.  I wonder to this day if he did at least think of his poor little son and at least gave to him my money and pay his back child support and if he did I’ve also wondered where his ex-wife thought this dead beat Dad suddenly got $10,000 dollars to give to her.  I even wonder if he gave it all to her or just some as I assume she didn’t care one way or the other just as long as she finally got some money from this little shit.

My heart was in such fear, anguish and despair trying to figure out how to survive alone on the street without any money, food or shelter to call my own after I was robbed.  I worked for a living.  I earned what I had.  He didn’t care what he did to another for he was numb and desensitized and felt doomed; his heart had turned dark and black and he was used to using other people for his benefit.  He had hate and spite in his heart for all of mankind and his conscience was dead and he didn’t care what he inflicted upon another’s head.

He was a selfish, spiteful and a hurtful little being that had given himself over to his hate and spite that he held for all of mankind.  He didn’t care the harm, hurt, fear, worry and great pain he inflicted upon my heart and head as he had done this to others already for the whole of his life.  He didn’t even give a shit about himself let alone me.  He was living in depravation and despair sailing right along as though he had life well in hand.  He was numb and desensitized to the pain he was inflicting on another and didn’t care what happen to me for having perpetrated such an evil deed toward me in return for my kindness to him.  

He couldn’t feel at all; he didn’t even realize that his heart was already dead and the light in his soul had gone out because of his own hurt, pain, resentments, grudges held, spite and hate that he refused to let go of from his childhood bad start.  Instead he held onto it and buried it in his heart so he didn’t have to look at himself and change and grow.  His lack of accountability was deafening in spite of my attempts to try to encourage him to change and grow by releasing his hearts pain.

I truly cared for his depraved condition he had arrived in.  It was appalling to me that a person could feel so depraved and chose to instead make a conscious decision to be in such despair about his life.  I genuinely felt such sorrow for him.  I tried so hard to convince him otherwise and how much life really had to offer if he would just lay his pain and hurt down.  My encouragement and my words never penetrated his dark cold heart that I was trying so desperately to minister my love and concern to.  He insisted he was choosing to remain in that condition and pretended to himself that it didn’t matter to him that he felt so miserable all the time.

I gave him a self-help book that would maybe minister to his broken heart that might encourage him to change and grow.  He ran away with my money and that book that was dear to my own heart.  A girlfriend who cared for my heart gave me the book and it had ministered to my heart and with love, I gave it to him.  I wish now I had that book with me with its endearing personal inscription instead of having wasted my efforts and my love on this little shit.  I can’t even imagine his childhood start but it had to be full of depravation of spirit, despair and neglect.

Again, it was the empathy I felt for this man that drew me to him as I invited him into my life.  I let this man into my life so I could try to help repair his broken heart because I could see he was empty and was feeling such despair.  I had no boundaries established for myself to see and recognize a perpetrator.  Instead he and I cycled together in the cycle of verbal abuse while both of us were doing our part.  We were on the steps that lead to participating in the cycle of verbal abuse when we met.  We were, the two of us, standing in our own hurt, anger, fear, worry and loneliness when we met.  We were standing directly on our step of blame spinning like a top in the cycle of verbal abuse even before we met.

I was unknowingly on the steps that lead me into the cycle of verbal abuse when I met this man.  I found my truths about the fact there are steps that lead to the cycle of verbal abuse because of this man.  I found my truth about not ever having any personal boundaries for myself and how that skill was taken from me by others because of what this man did to me.  I had to be perpetrated upon one more time to see it was more than time for me to establish personal boundaries instead of relying on codes of conduct from which to base my boundary lines from. 

All I ever had before now was “privacy walls” and “codes of conduct” to guide my way through life.  Personal boundaries that govern others conduct was never mine to impart.  I had never even embraced this concept for myself.  I had open arms for everyone; I’ve always felt bad for the sad human condition of others.

I first developed sadness about the human condition of mankind when I saw the condition of my “Beloved’s” heart, my “Grand Beloveds” heart and my “Drummer Boy’s” heart.  The sorrow I felt for their human conditions was unbearable.  Concern for others wellbeing was mine for the rest of my life because of what they did to me.  My sadness for others grew at a magnitude to the years I am.  I can spot human frailties in another person’s countenance in a heartbeat because I became proficient at spotting sorrow.

There were some very harsh lessons for me to partake of while trying to find my hearts truth about myself on my “Last Miracle Mile.”  I was full of rage and blame when I met this man.  I had only but left my fair knight who I slew and put to death while leaving him on the side of the road bleeding to death by telling him what my heart had conclude about us.  Cycle, cycle among ourselves is all we know how to do.  It goes like this; abuser, victim then its victim, abuser.  When I met this horrible man I felt a great need to control my circumstances.

Anger, worry, hurt, loneliness and fear are the steps that a person leaps from to reach the first the platform of blaming.  You then leap from the diving board of blame into the cycle of verbal abuse and start spinning like a top as you start reacting and playing your part with another person.  When you move to blame is when you jump into the cycle and spin like hell.  I was spinning like a “Tasmanian Devil” in the cycle of verbal abuse with my next person which was this dreadful man.  I was full of blame when I met this worm because I was blaming my knight that I had not found true loves start with him and I hated him for not giving me that.  I hate myself for hating my knight.

This misguided soul and I were both spinning in the cycle of spite and hate that we were carrying around in our hearts for others, though mine was not directed to the whole of mankind only my former knight.  I’ve filed this event and horrible experience with this little shit as a golden experience to be given to my live.  This was the golden experience to be had by me.  His stealing my money and stripping me of my dignity gave me the opportunity to learn how to fly and soar as I picked myself up off the floor.

My experience with this creep was to see and learn about personal boundaries and the steps that lead you to the cycle of verbal abuse.  I saw clearly the privacy barriers and codes of conduct that weren’t working for me and I realized that they’re only codes that others expect you to uphold for their sake.  Also, my experience with this little shit was to see and learn about the steps of anger, hurt, worry, loneliness and fear that lead you to the platform of blame from which you leap into the cycle of verbal abuse.  I saw the steps I leaped from into blame that would catapult me into participating in the cycle of verbal abuse clear as water as this little creep ran out of my life.  It was he who showed me how reacting from these emotions set me square on a huge platform of blame from which to leap and start myself spinning in the cycle of verbal abuse like a “Tasmanian Devil.”

The experience with this depraved man brought me the greatest truth about myself I’ve ever realized.  This horrible encounter with this pervert was the golden truth I’d been searching for since the beginning of my life.  This horrible encounter was a blessing in disguise in the long run because it was this experience that I spotted the steps we take our leap from to jump to the platform of blame and it’s when I discovered the truth that I had a right to personal boundaries.

I saw, because of this little shit, how I was participating and spinning with others in a circle of pain that’s brought from the cycle of verbal abuse.  The truth about my own cycle of verbal abuse and how I participate in this cycle personally was given to me because of my horrible experience I had with this jerk.  I’m actually thankful for the harsh experience; it woke my ass up.

I can recognize the cycle of verbal abuse.  I can recognize it in myself and I can recognize it in you.  By their response, behaviors, words and deeds, I know if you’re friend or foe.  Talk is cheap, look for actions to depart.  Some may appear to have substance but sometimes they do not.  Abuser, then victim is all that they’ve got. 

I could tell who you are right from the start; I should have listened to my heart.  I see you, I see you for what you are not.  I’m sorry you wear such a colorful coat, in reality you’re tattered and torn from your own addiction to the cycle of verbal abuse that you received from your childhood bad start.  It’s you who must shake off your past unless you want your unhappiness to continue to last. 

You opened my eyes to give me the strength to dare to reach out for the sky and learn how to fly.  I now know that I don’t have to be afraid to let another come into my heart; something I’ve always been afraid to do right from my start.  Now I realize and know I can let you come in and if I don’t like how you make my heart feel then I can escort your little ass back out again.

I’ve learned about boundaries since that time and would at this time like to thank a very dear maiden for her help in my growth and change.  “Merry Maiden,” thank you from the bottom of my heart.  Thank you also for all your teachings and hand outs from the classes I attended with you as my instructor.  Your heart is right on the pulse.  I have no idea where all your profound teachings came from but thank God that I told on myself and got to attend your classes.  From your teachings that you held within your classes I’ve learned about setting boundaries. 

You taught me that I needed to identify when I needed to set a limit with someone and when I did see the need to set a boundary that I was to do it clearly without waiting for a better moment to set that boundary.  You taught me that the minute I realized I needed to set a boundary, I was to do it on the spot.  You taught me to avoid apologizing to someone I had set a boundary with too.  I learned from you that I wasn’t going to be able to maintain an intimate relationship until I could tell the other person I was having a relationship with what they were doing that hurt me.  I learned from you that you can’t simultaneously set a boundary and at the same time be able to take care of other persons feelings because that would be incongruent. 

I felt very afraid when I started setting my personal boundaries but I did it anyway because the others in my life needed to know when they were crossing my personal boundaries.  I learned that people didn’t respect people that they can use through the horrible experience I had with Larry Terrifying.  I learned from him that people will use people they can use, without reservation.  I learned that anger, rage and complaining were clues I should listen to that would make me realize that I needed to set a personal boundary for myself. 

I learned that the things I said I didn’t like and felt angry about were areas that were screaming for me to set personal boundaries in.  Other clues that I needed to pay attention to that would clue me into the fact I needed to set a personal boundary was when I felt threatened, suffocated by a person or a situation or when I was feeling victimized by someone. 

I was tested when I set my boundaries too, just like you said I would be.  But I didn’t set any boundaries for myself until I was ready to enforce the boundary I had announced.  I learned from you that boundaries are a sense of self and that my personal boundaries gave to me the perception of how I was different from others.  I learned that boundaries existed for my protection.  I learned that clear boundaries exist in relationships that were functional and did not exist in relationships that were not functional. 

I learned that interpersonal relationships with clear boundaries would give me the room to be different from them and I learned that with personal boundaries I would give myself the ability to be close to someone without feeling fearful of them or questioning myself of their intent for me.  I learned that if I would place personal boundaries in my life that my communication could become open and honest and I learned that I was to encourage them to take the same freedom with me to tell me of their personal boundaries, I always wanted to connect in a greater way with others in my life, and I still desire this kind of a connection, with the whole of my heart. 

Now here’s the definition of enmeshed boundaries that I learned in your classroom.  Enmeshed boundaries are boundaries that are characterized with no difference or separateness from one another, like you were instead cloned to be alike and act the same as each other in order to feel safe in the relationship.  I learned that when a couple who are in interpersonal relationships had enmeshed boundaries, that to be different was regarded as being disloyal in the relationship.  I learned that in interpersonal relationships that had enmeshed boundaries that the relationship wasn’t healthy at all and there was no freedom to be different than the other person without making them feel insecure about themselves. 

I learned from you that couples who operated in enmeshed boundaries didn’t have the sense of being a separate person from the other and I learned that children who were forced to be a part of a family that operated with enmeshed boundaries usually were forced to break the rules of the family in order to have their personal autonomy.  I had a child like that within my family unit who was being smothered to death because of the enmeshed boundaries that existed within our family unit and she was forced to run for her very life.  Your classes helped me to see the truth of that. 

Here’s the definition of disengaged boundaries that I learned from your classes.  Disengaged boundaries are overly rigid rules and conducts that were put into place to abide by in the relationship so there was some sense of control and I realized that communication between people who operated with disengaged boundaries found it very difficult to even relate to one another and find a sense of connection between them.  I learned that couples who were operating in disengaged boundaries didn’t have any sense that they belonged to the other and that couples who operated in disengaged boundaries were left with no physical or emotional contact that could be found within a healthy relationship.  

I learned that I was operating in both enmeshed boundaries and disengaged boundaries and I needed to stop relating in these ways with the people I loved the most, in order to find a sense of connection and build physical and emotional contact with them but to do so I would have to overcome my fear to speak my God given emotions to them.  I learned that I had a right to speak my emotions in spite of their reactions to what I had to say.         

I’ve finally learned to enforce my boundaries with your encouragement.  My mouth finally got behind my actions.  Some people didn’t seem to know how to listen to my boundary requests in the beginning but they did figure out that I had reached my limit as I laid down my personal boundary and enforced it.  I realized that I had to follow through and act in congruence with my new spoken boundary as I enforced it in order for them to believe I meant what I said.

I learned that if I said it was a boundary but yet I still continued to piss and moan about it then it wasn’t a boundary yet.  I learned that some of my friends began to become sensitive to my spoken boundaries and were happy to respect my boundaries while others didn’t care if I said it was a boundary or not.  I learned that some people just liked instead to tell me what I was doing that was crossing their personal beliefs that they were labeling as their personal boundaries as they ignored what I said were my boundaries.

They didn’t bother to listen to my words and it became a personal power struggle they engaged in instead to gain the control they once had over me before I set my boundaries with them.  I learned from your classes that some people were confusing their belief system and calling it their personal boundary I was crossing as they tried to impose their belief on me that they expected me to abide by while claiming it to be a personal boundary I was crossing as they ignored the words I spoke to them that said they were crossing my personal boundaries.

I learned from your classes that this type of a person gives you their ultimatums if you’re acting free to think on things differently.  I learned that a person can take that one thing that they don’t like about you and throw it in your face in an attempt to turn you away from your freedom of choice.  They did point the finger back to me for what I did that was so displeasing to them and they called it their personal boundary that I kept crossing with the behavior that they didn’t like in me.  They claimed it as their personal boundary line that I kept crossing instead as they labeled the belief system they were living their life by as their personal boundary that I kept crossing because of their misguided belief system.

I learned that the problem I thought I was having with them wasn’t because of what I thought they were doing to me, it was what I kept doing to myself because I wasn’t enforcing my personal boundaries.  Some people got angry with me for setting my personal boundaries, particularly when I was changing the system by setting my boundary where I never had one before.  Until I realized that setting personal boundaries was connected to my personal growth I wasn’t brave enough to set a boundary.

By attending your classes I found a support system with my new found friends and it was helpful as I learned about personal boundaries and as I tried like hell to establish and enforce my new boundaries to have a support system.  I found my friends to be very valuable to me as I tried to establish my personal boundaries in my life.  I found that my new friends helped me to see the truth of the situation when I was instead wallowing in self pity and they refused to wallow with me or help me to piss and moan about a boundary that I hadn’t yet set or enforced.  They always pointed out the obvious to me when I couldn’t figure out what to do.

Besides my learning to identify what hurt me and what I didn’t like I learned to identify what I liked and what felt good to me and that’s when the quality of my life began to change.  I grew and changed as I partook in the joy of self discovery.  I learned I had a right to set personal boundaries and that this right was taken from me when my innocence was stolen from me. 

THE LAST MIRACLE MILE

Written by:  Mary Moon

Pages 135 - 143

I know a very sweet man from New York City who’s blind as hell and has lived his life in fear and doubt about himself too.  Mr. New York, if the shoe fits, wear it dude.  I sorely love you, in spite of yourself.  I can’t help it if I can see you.  I see you, I see you for what you are not.  It doesn’t mean that I don’t love you, it simply means that I can see the pain you’ve stuffed within your heart never to be let back out.  Your eyes are so gentle, they look just like a teddy bear, yet you continue to run around like you’re in your underwear.  Your eyes remind me of my “Beloved’s” eyes, your eyes are so gentle. 

I know your childhood pain and you know I do for you’ve shared with me, and you and I will forever be kindred spirits and that’s why I’m taking the time to talk to you.  Turn away my dear good friend it’s time to own up and see your broken heart, take a drink instead from this wonderful cup.  Before you know it your name will be changed and your life will become something precious and sweet instead of you feeling like you have smelly feet.  Your search for the answers to your hearts questions has now been laid like a rose at your feet; it’s up to you to make your life whole and complete.  I love you dear friend.

In reality right from the start, my gentle knight and I never allowed true loves start to ever begin.  Because of my hearts pain and hurt from my childhood bad start, I only had half a heart to give to him, and because of his hearts pain and hurt from his childhood bad start, he too hadn’t ever allowed his heart to experience true loves start with me either, because he only had half a heart to give to me in return.  He was given an incomplete heart, from his childhood bad start, also. 

We, neither one, owned a whole heart that we could give to the other, and then we spent a lifetime together stuffing more pain within our heart.  That’s how our union fell apart.  We never had full possession of our hearts.  How can you only give half a heart to someone and expect a union to last?  You have to have full ownership of your heart before you can give your heart to another.

No one had ever been given my whole heart; I was holding onto at least half of my heart for dear life and he had unknowingly done the same for his whole life.  You see, I held on to the other half of my heart for safe keeping because no one else in my opinion would know how to handle it better than myself so the whole of my heart was always withheld and he did the same thing at his childhood bad start as he made this same vow within his heart to never allow another to hurt his heart again but we didn’t know that’s what we did.

As a child, my heart wasn’t getting handled well and I thought that I could do a better job of taking care of my own heart.  At the age of eight I took hold of my heart and held it tight while refusing to allow anyone to pass its threshold after my childhood trauma and he did the same at the moment of his childhood trauma.  Neither one of us had a whole heart to give to the other but we each one had a part in cycling in the cycle of verbal abuse that brought us our own insurmountable pain that we were both forced to bear because of our patterns of stuffing pain and our union was lost.

Only the cycle of verbal abuse and half shattered hearts is what my knight and I ever exchanged.  We gave each other half a heart while holding onto the other half of our hearts for dear life so our hearts could remain safe and not ever get murdered again, right from our starts, and now I’ve realized that we were the cause of our own broken hearts.  That’s what we really did with each other because of our childhood bad starts that had brought such a traumatic experience over our heads as we both tucked our hearts away for safe keeping because of our childhood bad starts.  Our hearts were tucked away by each of us for safekeeping.  We tucked our hearts away for safekeeping and protected them from ever being hurt like that again.  He or I had never given ourselves fully to someone else after our childhood traumas.

We have both longed to belong to each other but have always been too afraid to be that vulnerable with one another.  We both were betrayed by someone very important to us in our lives.  We were both betrayed by a “Beloved,” although his was not a betrayal such as mine but a deep betrayal none the same, one that left him feeling abandoned.  We were children when we made a decision to protect what was left of our little hearts.  He too was a frozen child from his painful childhood bad start, just like me.  He joined the land of the living dead at nine years old.

We were both numb and desensitized and disassociated ourselves from the feeling of pain for the whole of our lives.  We just didn’t know what we were doing to one another, when as children we made a vow to ourselves to never allow another total entrance into our hearts again as we sat there in our fear from the childhood trauma that was brought to us.  We took our hearts back from the one who perpetrated our heart break and shattered our hearts and we made a vow to never give all of our heart to another person ever again in our lives, so we’d never get hurt like that again.

I had no idea that’s what I had done as I was traumatized by my “Beloved.”  Now I understand what took place between my knight and me in our interpersonal relationship.  All we really gave to each other is the cycle of verbal abuse and half a heart.  We knew we were only able to give half a heart to each other we just never realized the outcome that would be ours for having done that.  How do you fully commit to someone by only giving a part of your heart, while you hold onto the other part and keep hiding behind your wall of fear that you’ve built around yourself to keep yourself safe while feeling afraid to be vulnerable and honest with each other?  It’s incongruent. 

You can’t have a full love with only half a heart given to the other out of your fear to ever be that vulnerable again.  You can’t keep half your heart for safekeeping and also know true loves start at the same time.  True loves start is found through love of self.  Love of self brings true loves start.  You have to love yourself enough to take full ownership of the condition of your heart, by dispersing every single drop of held on to grudges, resentments and past offenses so you can have a whole heart to give.  I found my fresh start as I put on the garments of love of self and have been brought true loves start within my heart. 

I want to give the whole of my heart to him and I want the whole of his heart given to me.  I’ve found my fresh start because I found him with my heart.  It was time for me to stop being afraid as time took me by the wrist and directed me where to go, and after I left I found that love of self was the way to be brought to true loves start.

Can any of you admit that you’ve allowed your lifetime of pain to be buried in your heart and it’s you who’s continuing to do the stuffing of pain that’s preventing you from finding true loves start?  None the same, my love for him has carried me through as we once again live under the same roof.  We were so in love from our beginning that our love should have never gotten lost.

Can any of you realize that you need to be responsible for your decision to hold onto your pain, or do you instead allow the pain from your lifetime to stay so that you’re unable to find your fresh start?  Do any of you even realize it’s time to walk away from your pattern of stuffing anger and pain?  Do any of you even want to do the work it would take to let your pain held for a lifetime back out?  Do any of you realize that to write away the hurt and pain is something that you do for yourself.  It’s a gift you give yourself.  To release the pain is for you.  Your hearts pain is threatening the life it belongs to; you.

Are you one who says that you don’t believe that one has to revisit the pain that you’ve buried?  Do you believe that it’s not necessary to puke every ounce of pain, past resentments and held onto grudges out of your heart before you can find your fresh start?  Do you instead continue to stand in your river of denial about your life patterns and behaviors?   It doesn’t feel safe to come out from behind your wall of fear to which you’ve run, does it?  Are you ignoring your own emotional wellbeing?  Have any of you taken ownership of your hearts or have you instead totally surrendered and resigned yourself to never having a love that you’ve always wanted?

Have you let the pain endured from your lifetime of stuffing pain when felt to come inside and have you allowed your pain to set up housekeeping in your heart never to move out?  Are you stuck behind a wall of fear because you’re afraid to take the risk to face the pain from your past, or are you choosing to stay there because you don’t believe you need to deal with the pain from your past so you simply stuff the feeling of pain every time it’s felt?  The bad news is, your heart is too full of pain and there’s no where to put that pain anymore and that’s why you’re feeling so miserable and sad.  Don’t let your fear paralyze you, it isn’t real.  Face your fear.  Stop believing the lie that you don’t have to revisit your pain. 

Have you held onto the vow you once made to your small heart?  Are you still trying to uphold the vow to never let another bring you hurt ever again?  That vow is never going to cover your butts either.

I know that what I speak of is true because my “Beloved” breached my trust and shut my heart down at my childhood bad start, and it’s taken me twenty-one years of my life to find my way out of OZ.  At the age of eight I picked up what was left of my heart and held onto to it for dear life.  I’ve realized that it was the closing off of my heart that brought this great emptiness to my life not my lovely knight.  I’ve realized it was never my knight that brought the pain my heart was feeling. 

For me, stuffing pain when felt became a way to survive.  It became my life long pattern to stuff my pain instead.  I was numb and desensitized to the feelings of pain and I was fearful of being hurt again by anyone and it was the only way I could think of to survive my life.

Don’t tell me that as children we didn’t vow to our hearts, after the trauma was brought, to never allow another to hurt us like that again.  We each one instead choose to stand guard over our hearts and never allow full entrance to anyone so we’d be able to endure our life.  I’m telling you that whatever breeched the love you had for someone is the trauma that struck your heart.  Are you still choosing to stand in your pattern of stuffing your pain because that’s the pattern you developed to cope with pain?  Is it the only skill you have for dealing with the feeling of pain because it’s what you were taught you had to do with the pain? 

I dared to find out what the hell was going on in my life that was causing me to always feel so damn empty, lonely and miserable all of the time.  I realize now that I did this to myself right from my start and I never gave anyone the whole of my heart.  No wonder I was about to die from loneliness.  No wonder you’re about to die from loneliness.  I didn’t know that love of self is the first step to giving and receiving true loves start. 

Are any of you out of your river of denial yet?  Clear.  Clear.  All of you had a childhood bad start and a trauma where you too made a vow to never allow anyone enough entrance into your heart so no one could hurt your heart ever again.  You too developed a lifelong pattern of stuffing your pain when felt.  Your pain is now threatening the life it belongs too; you.

My heart has dawned and awakened itself from this lie and I’m unthawing from the long cold winter in my heart but every member in my family, however, doesn’t even know they’re still asleep and spinning in the cycle of verbal abuse. 

I didn’t even try to wake up until I was thirty five years old.  That’s when I faced my first session of dispersing the pain from my childhood bad start.  That was when I realized to journal the pain away for my own wellbeing, but I hadn’t made the connection to stop stuffing my pain.

After the fire was doused in my hometown I came back to my castle which was in another part of the kingdom and as I sat in my room in the dark of night I began to try and figure out why my heart still felt so tattered and torn.  I still felt tattered and torn in spite of the fact that I did the work of dispersing my childhood trauma and all the painful events from my childhood bad start.  I couldn’t deny to myself any longer that my heart was once again feeling tattered and torn.  It was because from the age of thirty five forward I continued to walk in the pattern of stuffing my pain again and my heart had once again arrived in a tattered and torn state for continuing to do that. 

I began to take a good long look at myself again because I knew the answers would lie within.  I had to know what I was still doing that was causing me to feel so damn sad, lonely and miserable all the time so I could stop doing it.  I was miserable as hell.  I took a mirror and looked myself square in the face as I dared to take a real honest look at myself once more because my Best Friend encouraged me to get honest with myself the same way you all still need to get honest with yourselves.

Not yet understanding that it was a pattern of stuffing pain that needed to be laid down, after I had dispersed my childhood pain, I returned to the only skill I knew for dealing with pain which was to stuff it.  I could no longer take any more pain and the agony of what I thought was the death of my union brought me too deep of a hurt.  I felt that I had failed at the one thing that I wanted the most, a successful union with a knight that I would always belong too. 

You can’t disperse your pain and then turn around and keep doing the same thing you did before you did that, the process of stuffing pain just keeps marching on and you’ll end up in the same tattered and torn place you thought you just brought yourself out of, and if you only disperse some of your pain then return to your old habits it isn’t going to work either, because you still haven’t found true loves start.  You can’t embrace this process in theory alone and expect a lasting change; the end result will be the same.  You have to wear these new garments not embrace them in theory alone.

The first time I did the work to empty out my childhood trauma from my heart, along with every other childhood offense I could think of, I thought I was leaving my heart open and ready for love to come in once more but the only thing I knew how to bring into my heart was pain.  I never realized the continuous need to take care of my own emotional wellbeing by releasing any pain that came thereafter so I reverted back to the only behavior pattern I had. 

In essence, after my first session of releasing the pain that I had stuffed, I returned back to my foreign land, planted my ass on that soil once more and there I sat down in my destruction and ashes while I was hiding from the world once again.  I sat in the ashes of my pain frozen in time until the fire in my home town awakened me.  There I sat with all the ashes of my life surrounding me like a shroud. 

All of you, take a look around you, how’s your shroud doing?  I’d had enough abuse given to my heart by eight to shut myself down to preserve my own wellbeing.  Anyone else out there realizing that you’re still shut down and numb from the top of your head to the tip of your toes because you’re ignoring your life’s pain?   

There are members in my family who were awakened long enough to deal with some of their hearts pain and then they went back to sleep again, and returned back to their pattern of stuffing pain.  They’ve convinced themselves that they’ve done all the work that’s necessary as they dealt with some of the pain that was being held within their hearts.  They’ve returned back to the only pattern they know when they feel pain, which is to continue to stuff their pain and they don’t even realize that they’ve not dealt with all of their past resentments, grudges and hurts and held onto offenses that are still dwelling within their hearts, as though they can just ignore those things as they continue to react out of their held onto grudges and resentments and past hurts not yet dealt with.

They’re pretending to themselves that they’ve done all the work it takes to find a fresh start.  These members have gone back to sleep and are once again walking around like everyone else in my family, as though their members of the living dead on automatic pilot, while they continue to ignore their feelings of sadness, emptiness and loneliness.

I did things on this journey that didn’t even demonstrate any boundaries in my life because I’ve never had any personal boundaries in my life; I was letting the codes of conduct that I had set up for my life direct my boundaries.  I didn’t know what personal boundaries were.  The “privacy code” and “code of silence” has always bordered my life for my protection from others.

Undefined thinking and undefined lines of conduct is what was demonstrated to me as a child and it left me with no definition about my autonomy.  I never developed my personal right of self governing my life as a matter of fact the core group I lived with taught me quite the opposite by their behaviors, words and deeds which confused the hell out of me so subsequently I didn’t get this attribute developed in my life.  I never developed the sense of having the right to self govern my life.  I was crippled right from my start because my life was undefined and blurred right from my start.

I’ve always felt that I had no real substance in and of myself.  I’ve felt insufficient insignificant, worthless and unwanted for the whole of my life.  I wasn’t allowed as a child to set limitations and boundaries for myself so I thought I wasn’t allowed to ever do that for myself for the rest of my life.  The message I was given as a child spoke that I didn’t have a right to boundaries or limits of what others wanted and needed from me.  I never knew personal boundaries could be mine.

Because of others deeds done to me I wasn’t taught that even when there are some things another person should never be allowed to do, they would do it anyway.  I wasn’t taught that others could not cross what could have been my personal boundary and a right to my autonomy instead so my innocence was stolen from me.  By their actions and deeds I was taught that anyone could cross whenever the fancy struck and do anything they wanted to do to me.

An opposite message was given to my heart from the others in my core group, right from my start.  I embraced this lie that I couldn’t and was not allowed to govern my life.  I’d been blinded to the truth that I could set limitations and boundaries because of others acts and deeds.  More accurately, I was never allowed any boundaries as a child and I bought into this lie and simply didn’t exercise this right for myself because I thought it didn’t exist.  I carried this believe into my adult life.  I didn’t have the right to self govern my life was the message I got.

THE LAST MIRACLE MILE

Written by:  Mary Moon

Pages 123 - 135

Sir Trip and Fall had a golden heart but his heart didn’t fit with mine.  He didn’t even know his own heart nor did he have possession of his heart.  I know the things he and I did by desiring what we each wanted while he was the fruit of another would make others think he hasn’t got a golden heart but he was only busy doing his part to the cause of another’s broken heart and nothing more.  It’s not as black and white as any of you may think. 

It’s time for all of us to stop laying our belief system at the feet of another and making such judgment calls for another’s heart, it’s not our place.  We all make misjudgments and mistakes and we, when we’re ready to admit our part to the cause of another’s broken heart, will take to our Creator our wrongdoings for our wrongdoings are between our Creator and ourselves. 

No one should be so brazen to think they have the only answers to a person’s wrong doing, mine or Sir Trip and Fall’s.  No one can make such judgments because it’s the intent of the heart that’s looked upon by our Creator.  Yes, Sir Trip and Fall had a chosen maiden and she would probably kick his ass if she ever found out that he desired me.  What happened in my “field of folly” and his “field of folly,” is between the two of us and our Creator.  It’s the intent of the heart that He gazes upon.  Everyone else needs to deal with their own hearts and stop casting stones toward what you feel is forbidden.  To desire another because we were both so lonely of heart isn’t wrong.  Somewhere there’s always someone who’s not treating someone right.  Take a look in the mirror. 

Like I’ve already said, free will has been talked about like it’s something bad and it’s our free will that gets us into trouble.  It was a gift so that we might learn right from wrong as we use our free will to follow our hearts beat.  We’re to listen to our hearts and our hearts will lead us, listen to your heart and it will speak to you when you’ve made a bad choice.  Free will was a gift given so we could follow our hearts lead and learn right from wrong, free will is not a burden to endure.

I don’t fear my Creator.  We’ve been conditioned that we’re not to make a mistake in our lives.  I can’t live like that.  I just can’t.  I’m going to make mistakes in my life, I’m human.  Fear was used to make us maintain our given roles to act like ponies in a circus or puppets on a string under the cycle of verbal abuse through the “silent code” and the “privacy code.”  I can’t live like that; it’s not living.  I will not live under the shadow of no more than mistakes made by me.  I own what I do, you don’t have to tell me the wrong I do, my heart does that for me, and I do learn the lessons from my mistakes as my heart leads my way, because I was given free will to follow my hearts lead. 

I’m allowed, by Him, to find my way, it’s called His grace.  He gave this life to me and it’s His grace which allows me to be taught through life lessons so I can learn right from wrong.  It’s my life, my God given life, the one He gave me.  I don’t need to be told when I’ve made a mistake; my heart does that for me as I exercise my free will.  What I do and the mistakes I make in my life are between me and my Creator. 

My free will has been provided for so my heart would lead my way in life as I listened to its lead and follow its beat, and my heart will teach me right from wrong, not stupid conduct codes that you hold so dear and I want no more part of.  Sir Trip and Fall’s heart was also given to him, to show the way to what’s right and what’s wrong.  My right and wrong could be different from his right and wrong or your right or wrong, it’s all about our own belief system and our perspective about things which we should have the freedom to have for ourselves.  Free will is given to us as our hearts lead our way through life.  Our hearts will instruct us to what is right or wrong.  Our hearts will tell us what’s right and what’s wrong, if we tune our hearts frequency in and take the time to listen to its beat.

Our hearts are given to us to teach us right and wrong through lessons applied and learned, as we act on our free will.  I’m free from guilt and shame and my Best Friend loves me freely and allows me to walk in His grace.  He loves freely and so do I love freely.  I’m free from guilt and shame when I walk in His grace.

I fought like hell to find a love that would feel genuine to my heart and I finally found it.  “Love of self,” is the way to true loves start.  I’ve fought like a maniac trying to find the way back home to my heart; I fought every step of the way to finding true loves start, and when I finally put on the garment of love of self, I found my fresh start.  This love feels real and genuine to my heart and it never fades or disappears from sight or leaves me in a void wondering what love is. 

When I left my knight my heart was searching for someone to run away with me and take me away from my hearts great misery for that was always what I expected from others, others were supposed to be for me what I couldn’t be for myself.  I was blaming my knight for my pain and I was standing square in blame, screaming my head off how my knight had wronged me.  Cycle, cycle is all I’ve ever lived and known.  I had been stuck in this behavior pattern for all my life but didn’t know it until I accepted the truths about myself.  All I knew was that I wanted someone to rescue me from the pain that my heart was in for having left my knight. 

At that point, because of my insurmountable amount of pain I was bearing within my heart, I would have embraced any knight as long as he had a pulse, a golden heart, and he would first give me a promise to embrace my heart and promise me I would belong to him for the rest of his life, after all, I was looking for true loves start, a love that would feel real and genuine to my heart and never fade away. 

I wanted to know and experience the giving and receiving of true love for it was the greatest desire of my heart.  I longed for a love that would always feel good and genuine to my heart and would never fade.  My heart told me that what I wanted was forbidden but I simply refused to listen to my heart.  Even the stars fall from the sky as their light goes out.  I’m not a perfect person, sometimes my tries to finding my way are going to be wrong and against my better judgment as I make mistakes in my life.  My hearts intent was to know true loves start and that’s what my Creator looked upon as I walked in His grace.

Throughout the entirety of my life I’ve dreamed of a love that would feel true and genuine to my heart for as a child I could never feel this love imparted to me and as an adult I still had not found it and I was on a mission and a search for true loves start to arrive within my heart since I was a child.  Who am I to say that Sir Trip and Fall wasn’t placed in my path for the answer to my prayers as I was looking for the way?  In the end the Divine truth was discovered.  The Divine truth about the cycle of verbal abuse was discovered.  I followed the rainbow promise I was given and I ran into my promise that He gave to me in “Shakespeare’s Garden”.  I found the Divine truth about the cycle of verbal abuse and I learned that it’s all about forgiveness. 

I hadn’t yet experienced true loves start, even with my knight, because I wouldn’t allow true loves start to ever begin with my kind and wonderful knight.  I chose to instead carry around my pain and hurt from held onto grudges and resentments and never allow this between my lovely knight and myself.  I’ve never allowed true loves start to ever enter my heart until I got out of my river of denial about myself.  I instead birthed this dream to know true loves start not knowing where to find it.  It certainly didn’t abide in my heart and it was always my hearts greatest desire to know true loves start.  Knowing true loves start became my quest since I was a small buttercup.

All I knew was that something was definitely wrong and I wanted out of Kansas, Toto.  I didn’t know that by burying my pain in my heart by holding onto grudges and resentments from my past was the behavior that was preventing me from knowing true loves start with my kind and gentle knight.  I’d been searching for true loves start for thirty six years with my knight and had not yet found it with him because it couldn’t come into my heart.  There was never any room for that kind of love in either of our hearts.  We both planted thousands of seeds of kindness and care throughout our years together into each other’s hearts but they never took hold in our hearts.  I’ve always prayed for a higher love to be brought to my heart but the soil of our hearts was too hard because we both had spent a lifetime of stuffing our unspoken words and pain deep within our hearts and we passed like two ships of love in the night.

The pain and hurt we kept holding onto and shoving down within our hearts kept shoving the seeds of love we would give to each other back out of our hearts.  We were so full of pain and hurt by the time I left my knight that there was no room for another drop of pain that could be bore within my heart.  The soil in my heart was too hard and dark to allow his love for me to come inside.  The soil in his heart, bless his soul, was also the same as mine at the end of our union.  I just woke up from a long winters nap.  I was frozen since I was a very small buttercup and I’d been numb and desensitized from that day to this to the feeling of pain because I had stockpiled too much pain within my heart never allowing the expression of the pain I thought others were giving to me.

I never gave my knight the whole of my heart, I only gave to him what was left of my heart and he did the same as he gave me what was left of his heart too because he also had a childhood bad start.  We were bound together under the cycle of verbal abuse so I cut that vow and can now start anew with my fair knight as we stand face to face once more.

I found my fresh start because I found him with my heart.  He caught my eye when I was eighteen years old.  He was so shy that I had to ask his name from someone else.  We couldn’t keep our eyes off each other and I just had to hook up with this handsome shinny knight.

A chance encounter was yours and mine, do you remember?  I had just arrived in New Mexico because I had moved with my parents from my hometown and I had made no new friends since the departure from my home town.  Out of sheer boredom I went to watch my Dad bowl because I didn’t drive a car and to get out of the house was welcoming.  There was an encounter waiting to be made under the New Mexico sun.  It was my fate and destiny to meet this kind and generous tender hearted knight at the age of eighteen.

As I sat watching my Dad bowl what do you think I suddenly see?  I see this handsome shy knight taking a good long look at me.  You’re a leg man; I caught you checking out my legs as I pranced around in my short dress.  It was in the late sixties and we wore our skirts short.  Our hearts collided that very night in a bowling as we couldn’t take our eyes off each other; you make a first impression.  We floated and flirted with every glance and stare.  We both started visiting the snack bar individually and used a waitress as a mediator for us as we each asked her about the other.  Her name was Tanya. 

I went to the snack bar and struck up a conversation with her and inquired of her who you were?  She replied, “Oh that’s Sir Knight, Miss Teenage New Mexico has her eye on him.” I asked of her have they hooked up?  She replied you and she had not so I went after what I wanted.  I saw your golden heart and I knew it would fit with mine the minute I laid my eyes on you.  I know how to pick a knight, I don’t play games, Sir Knight, when I see what I want I go after it.  You’ll never find another woman like me.  I wouldn’t lie to you, you know it’s true.

By the end of the evening you asked me out on a date.  Why in the world did you show up at my door with that awesome mustache shaved off your face?  I have never seen such a sexy mustache.  There you were; a shy good looking knight with a mustache, until you showed up for our first date.  I like to have fainted when I opened the door to greet you, you shaved the damn thing off, and you’ve never grown another decent mustache again in your life.  That’s okay, I forgive you; mustaches scratch anyway.  I don’t want a knight with a mustache; I love your smooth lips.

After falling in love with my knight, I told him of my hearts great pain and how shattered my heart was because of my childhood bad start, and he too told me of his hearts pain from his childhood bad start.  It didn’t matter to him that I had half of a heart to give to him; he was willing to accept half a heart, as long as it was mine and I told him that I was willing to accept his half heart, as long as it was his.

His heart swept me up as he said, “I’ll ease all your pain, cherish your heart and I’ll mend your broken wings.”  He promised to wipe away all my tears and to stand by me through all my fears.  His enduring love was ever faithful as was mine throughout our lives together and in gratitude on the celebration of our thirty sixth year together I told him how grateful I was for him and how much I loved him as I held his hands in mine and looked him in the eyes and what I thought I saw looking back at me was lost love for me in the dead pool of his eyes.  I was blinded by the pain in his eyes that he had brought to himself for stuffing his pain for a lifetime which had extinguished the light in his soul.  I felt so bitter when he spoke nothing in return to my loving words and only stared at me in silence through the dead pool of his eyes.

I didn’t know the light in his eyes had gone out because he had spent a lifetime stuffing his pain the same way I had.  I thought as I gazed into his eyes that he had lost his love for me.  I had so much resentment and held onto grudges that were abiding in my heart toward him that when I saw what I thought was lost love for me within his eyes my fear and doubt collided.  It felt like my heart had forsaken me.  I thought what I saw was lost love for me and when he didn’t return any words of love to me my resentments and grudges that I had buried that were between us rose to the surface and my heart reached the climax of its pain with my knight.

About one month later I left my knight as I told him I was never in love with him, even from our start.  I slew him with those words and left him for dead at the side of the road, bleeding to death as I walked away.  I slew him with my participation in the cycle of verbal abuse as I blamed him for the pain I felt when I looked into his eyes and it seemed to me that what I was gazing upon was his lost love for me.  My heart filled with so much pain as I looked within his soul that fateful night that all my resentments and grudges that I held between us came screaming forth and the pain I felt that he had lost his love for me devastated me to the core.  I didn’t know that I was gazing into the soul of a man who had spent his lifetime stuffing the pain he felt I was giving to him the same way I had been doing for the whole of my life.  I didn’t realize this truth about myself until after I had cut my cord with my knight.  I misjudged the situation completely and jumped to a wrong conclusion instead.

You see, when I met my knight I struggled with my decision to unite with him as one.  He said, “Will you unite with me?”  I said, “Yes, I’ll unite with you.”  To pass this knight up would have been insane but my heart was so shattered by the time I met my fair knight at the age of eighteen that I asked myself if I was certain I was in love with him or was I just using this knight as a rescue boat after I had said yes to him.  I questioned myself.  I questioned my true intent as I ran to question my intent and motive for wanting to unite with this knight.  I’ve always doubted my motive and intent for having said yes to my knight because I knew that I wasn’t much of a catch, at least that was what I thought of myself at that time in my life.

As my union to my knight fell apart I remembered my struggle as I questioned myself when he first asked the question of me.  I went back in my mind once again and asked myself once more what my true intent was for wanting to unite with him.  I remembered questioning myself about my intent and motives after I had said yes to him.  I was full of fear about the world when I met my knight.  I was scared to death and insecure for it was time for me to leave my parents home and I was ill equipped to live my life without them, I knew I had no skills to survive.  I was overly dependent on others for recognition, approval, affirmation and acceptance.  It was no different for me when I met my knight to the time I left my knight.

I’ve always been fearful about ever taking a risk or making a decision.  I’ve always felt overwhelmed by disabling fears and my true intent and motives behind any of my life decisions.  I’ve never strayed too far from the sidewalk; I was too afraid to try.  I’ve always struggled with feelings of being worthless, insignificant and devalued and I’ve always felt devoid of any real attributes.  I was full of fear at eighteen and held onto all of these feelings for the whole of my life.  I had never come away from these feelings I held about myself, until now.  At eighteen, I was emotionally fragile, had no self image, no self esteem and was co-dependent, insecure and very naïve.  I had been all these things for the whole of my life.

These feelings that I held for myself was the inheritance I was given.  What a crappie inheritance I was left with to live my life from.  I’ve always been full of fear and doubt about myself.  I’ve never felt like I had the ability to make a good decision for myself.  I’ve always doubted myself and my abilities completely so when my heart finally broke I concluded that the questioning of my intent to unite with my fair knight after having said yes to him at the age of eighteen meant that I had read my hearts intent wrong at our beginning.  That’s how I came to tell him that I was never in love with him from our start.

The great pain my heart had arrived in toward the end of my union with my knight made me start to think about the beginning of my life with my fair knight.  I was trying to figure out what had gone wrong with our union once I saw what I thought was his lost love for me within his eyes the night of our thirty sixth year together.  My fears and doubt drove me to address the misery that was sitting in my heart.  The fear and doubt about myself that I was feeling and the pain in my heart drove me to start questioning myself once more.  I created this doubt that I was feeling about myself as I went back in my mind as far as I could think and discovered the questioning of my intent to marry my knight.

I felt again the doubt and fear I once felt about myself when struggling with my first big decision in my life.  I remembered the struggle that I went through as I made the decision to unite with my knight.  Doubt about me and my abilities rose up in my heart once more and caused me to conclude that I must have entered into my union with him on a lie.  I decided I had been living a lie for the whole of my life with my fair knight.  This devastated me that I could have done this to another’s heart.

The guilt and the shame I felt thinking that I had been telling myself this dreadful lie was unbearable.  The best solution, therefore, would be to set his captive heart free to find a truer love than the one I had wasted his life with.  That was the just and fair thing to do for a person you had lived a lie with so I bore the blame for the condition that our union had become because I convinced myself that I had made my decision to unite with him from ulterior motives and I felt it was my fault our union together had died.

As I ran backward in my mind trying to find the reasons why our union had failed I remembered the questioning of my intent for saying yes to this wonderful knight.  I ran to question my heart once more when I thought I saw within his eyes that he had lost his love for me.  I didn’t know that I was looking into the eyes of a knight that had participated in the behavior pattern of stuffing pain for a lifetime. 

When I ran backwards in my mind I found the fear and doubt that I first struggled with after having said yes to my fair knight and I decided that I must have entered my union with him with a lie in my heart.  I just knew my intent for choosing to unite with him in the first place was a lie I had told myself.  I concluded that I must have lied to myself.  I concluded that my true intention must have been to jump on a rescue boat.  My fear and doubt collided.  My fear and doubt collided when I saw what I perceived as lost love for me held within his painful eyes as I gazed into them and told him of my enduring love the night of our thirty sixth anniversary and he just sat there with his sad eyes staring back at me without ever uttering any tender words in return, so as we came back from our celebration I began to question my heart once more to try and find the answers to what was now my plight.

Because I’ve always doubted myself and the ability to make good decisions for my life I concluded that I had entered into my union with my kind knight with a lie in my heart.  I concluded that was the reason that our union must have gotten lost.  That’s what I concluded.  I concluded that I entered my union with another on a dreadful lie as I reflected upon our union together as I deducted my actions to be such.  I thought because I questioned my intent when he asked me to unite with him as I said yes to him that it must have meant that I really wasn’t in love from the start and I had indeed jumped on his back and used him as a rescue boat for life, instead, because of my own fears to face life.

I was horrified with myself, absolutely horrified with the conclusion that I had drawn.  I was being so self-reflective and trying to find within myself what I needed to change about myself when I ran to question my heart as I felt the anguish I saw held within his eyes.  Upon this dreadful discovery of my apparent evil heart I felt compelled to confess to him my buried secret of questioning rather I should unite with him as I was struggling with this huge decision.  I never made decisions they were always made for me. 

I remembered questioning my motive and intent for wanting to unite with my knight.  I told his heart what I had concluded about my questioning heart.  I announced to him and everyone around me that I was never in love with him from our start because I felt so ashamed of myself for doing such a thing to him and I confessed my apparent wrongdoing as it was required of me to set my soul free from such guilt and shame.

I concluded it was the truth and I decided that my heart was hiding from me and had forsaken me when I questioned my intent and motive for uniting with my knight as I told him yes to his question of union at the age of eighteen.  Besides, I didn’t want to live with my “Beloved” any longer at the age of eighteen, he was always angry.  I concluded for a certainty that I had used my knight as a rescue from my own fears and need to escape my home.

I broke my knight’s heart.  I slew him with my fear and doubt about myself.  My fear and doubt collided and I slew him with my confusion as I confessed what I thought was my bitter truth.  I slew my children’s hearts, my grandchildren’s hearts, my brother and sister’s hearts, my sister-in-law and brother-in laws hearts and my Mother’s heart when I said goodbye to my fair knight, they all loved him so.  I announced to each one that I had been living a lie with him for my entire life and that it was time for me to leave so the right could be corrected.  I bore the blame for what I perceived as the death of my union to my knight that I thought I had seen held within his eyes that fateful night and decided that my heart had lied from our start.

As I was pondering my union with my knight in the beginning of my life with him I pushed aside my instincts and ignored that my heart had already told me I was in love with him as I ran to question my motives and intent for having said yes to him.  Then at the apparent failure of my union to my knight I began to worry about the rules I had set in place to govern my life by as I once again ran to question my hearts intent and motive for uniting my heart with my knight because of what I thought I saw held within his eyes and I jumped to a wrong conclusion as my fear and doubt about myself collided.

At the age of eighteen, the rules that I had established for myself to live my life by would have never allowed me to unite with someone for all the wrong reasons and this huge decision should be placed squarely on my rules to make such a decision from as I began to question my intent and motives for wanting to unite with him.  I asked myself if I was really in love with him or was I only using him as a rescue boat out of my fear to face my life as an adult who didn’t have the ability to stand on her own two feet.  I was trying to make sure that I made a correct decision.

I don’t think I had even made a decision for myself before then and I sure didn’t want to make a wrong decision so I asked myself to be sure that I was uniting with my knight for the right reasons even after having told him yes to his profound question of me.  I found this dreadful memory when I ran to question my heart as to why our union seemed to have failed once we came home from our anniversary celebration.  I’ve never wanted to make a mistake with a decision and a decision of such great importance had to be questioned by me so I questioned myself deeply at our start to be certain I was deciding for the correct reasons about uniting with my knight.

As I went back in my mind after I thought that my union had obviously failed I remembered how I had questioned myself as to why I was uniting with this knight and I decided my heart had lied to me and that I had actually united with him as a rescue boat that would save me from facing a life where I knew I had no abilities to stand on my own two feet.

I’ve always been fearful of making a decision and I certainly didn’t want it to be a wrong decision about something as important as a union between two people.  It was all about making the right decision and this decision was only mine to make.  I doubted my decision because that’s what I had been taught to do.  I had been taught to doubt myself and that was the reason I ran to question my intent.  I ignored my heart that had already said, “You’re in love with this knight.”  My worry to make a bad choice made me question myself and my intent and motives for wanting to unite with my knight.  I just had to get this decision right.

At the end of my union when my heart finally broke I drew a conclusion that I must have made a mistake with my decision and had united with him as a rescue, otherwise why was I in such despair in my union with him?  Why after thirty six years of trying to feel a love that felt genuine to my heart with him had I not attained this feeling in my life?  Hind sight is twenty-twenty but at what I perceived as the apparent death of my union to this kind knight I wanted to know why I felt so empty, lonely, tattered and torn.  I wanted to know how my union with my knight had died and what part I may have played in the death of our union so I wanted to know the reasons why our union had failed as I ran to question myself once more.

I’ve always doubted myself and my ability to make a good decision so doubt rose up in me and I concluded that the decision I had made to unite with my knight had been for the wrong reason and that I had lied to myself about being in love with him.  I drew a conclusion that because I was afraid to face life with no attributes to live my life with was the reason I had said yes to such a knight.  It must have been a lie I told myself as I concluded that I had been using my knight to feel better about myself and to feel safe, for thirty six years.  I was aghast.

I’ve doubted every decision I’ve ever made in my life.  I’ve always been uncertain of the world.  I blamed my knight for the pain in my heart that I felt about the state of our union as I went to him and told him the truth of what I had concluded I had done as I confessed to him that I was never in love with him from our start and had lied to him and myself.  I truly believed that I had lied to myself and had used him all these years because I was afraid that I couldn’t face my life alone.  I truly believed I had lied to myself that I loved him and had used him as a rescue boat instead.

I broke my knight’s heart and his very soul as I left him lying on the side of the road bleeding to death and in a coma from the lie I told myself and then told to him and everyone else.  I shattered his spirit and soul with such a horrible lie I came to believe about my decision to unite with him.  I’ve always wanted to feel and know what love is but because of the lie I now believed about my union to my children’s Father I shattered my adult children’s hearts when I told them I was never really in love with their Father. 

They, each one, were shattered by the pain they could see I had brought their Father’s heart when I spoke such a thing.  I crushed my children’s and my grandchildren’s hearts when I believed the horrible lie I told myself and came to believe about myself as my fear and doubt collided about myself.  I told myself that I had foolishly based my decision to unite with him on a lie and that’s why I had to say goodbye.

I didn’t mean to do that to him or them; my fear and doubt about myself failed me.  My heart blamed him that I hadn’t experienced the feeling of a love that would make my heart feel better.  I instead returned my cycle of pain and hurt to his heart.  My pain and hurt was like a mountain lion with a shaggy red mane as I spoke those dreadful words to him.  At the point of me leaving my knight I started kicking more than just shins; I was full of rage while hating my knight that I had not found true love with him.  I was a great shin kicker when I was a buttercup.  If the little boys that I played with did or said anything to me that cause me pain in my heart they got a shin kick from hell.

I hated my knight because he had not become for me what he promised he would be.  He had not made me feel a love that felt genuine and true and I hated that he had not as I blamed him for the pain that was brought.  Because of my pain and hurt I horribly misjudged him and the situation I thought I was in.  In my opinion, he had failed me as I looked into his eyes and saw what I thought was lost love for me.  I blamed him that I had not yet experienced a truer love that would feel genuine to my broken heart.  I now realize that I misjudged what was going on in my relationship with my knight because I was blinded by the pain that was in my heart. 

THE LAST MIRACLE MILE

Written by:  Mary Moon

Pages 110 - 123

There were times on my journey that I fell and down I went, I paid my dues time and time again.  Bad mistakes, I made them too but now I know that I’ve truly come through.  My life has been no bed of roses or great pleasure cruise but I did struggle hard all the way to the end of my spiritual journey trying to get back home to my hearts truth about myself and maybe back home to you.  I considered it a challenge before the entire human race that I would never find the ability to get out of that place and back home to my heart and find a fresh start. 

I never lose a challenge or a race and wild horses wouldn’t have held me back from my dream to conquer the goliath that had over taken my heart that was keeping me from feeling whole and complete and half baked.  I had a long term goal and I saw it to its end.

I chose to stand in the gap between heaven and earth instead while I prayed my way through mine and your entire plight and it took me twenty-one years of my life.  I would do it all again for me and for you.  I did this because it’s what my Best Friend asked me to do.  I only hope my journey will not just be wasted on myself.

My spiritual journey began because I had been wounded in mind, body and spirit as a child and I was left with a shattered heart.  A shattered heart is what caused lost dreams to come upon me and abide in my heart.  I felt like I was never capable of living my dreams so instead I spent a life time chasing my dreams.  This journey to find my hearts truth about myself had to find its end.  I was like a pit bull that had locked her teeth into a journey back home to myself and until that journey found its release within my heart, I wasn’t going to stop the search to find a love that felt genuine and true.  I was never going to lie down and surrender and label my journey home to my heart an empty ghost chase.  I was one tenacious chick about finding the way home to my heart.  

I learned early how to disassociated myself from the feeling of pain, as I numbed myself and desensitized myself to the feeling of pain, since I was a child.  I’ve always minimized what happens to me and my heart refused to allow pain to be felt but ironically it’s all that I ever felt.  How confused I was when I discovered that my vow to never allow another to cause hurt to my heart would not cover my butt.  I had to give up this vow; it wasn’t enough.  I knew there just had to be a path back home to my heart and a reason for having lost my heart to others in the first place.  My hands are bloody from the fight that I fought trying to find the reason why and how I lost my heart.

On my “Last Miracle Mile,” it felt as though my passed over loved ones were present as I felt their essence and called them by name.  I swear to you I did, I’ll never be the same.  On this journey, I could sense my heart speaking to me about each of my passed over loved ones.  I needed an explanation given to me that would explain to me how to forgive their part that they had played in wounding my heart.

I saw my “Beloved” in an air balloon that had a picture of a broking horse with a rider hanging on for dear life.  I felt my heart was telling me that my “Beloved” wanted me to know that he wanted me to take life by the horns and ride it all the way home to my hearts truth and to ride life everyday in spite of what the day brought my way as I thoughtfully looked upon that air balloon. 

Another memory of my “Beloved” came at sunset one evening while sitting at a city park.  I noticed two riders on horses that were romping, racing and dancing with one another while galloping across the field.  As they raced back and forth I envision my “Beloved” riding his horse and team roping with his friends.  These reminders drew me near to the fond memories of him that were in my heart.  I just wept every time my heart would bring me the memories that I needed to think upon about my “Beloved.”  I realized that I needed to look on the beautiful memories of him instead of my hurt and pain that I was carrying around in my heart that I felt he had brought.  I recognized how thinking negatively about him was a pattern of thought I had brought into my life.  I suddenly realized that I had developed a negative thinking pattern that I would have to now overcome, I saw it clearly.  I had become a stinking thinker.  I realized that I had developed a negative thinking pattern and had lived my life this way.  I never saw the glass half full, it was always half empty.  I never saw things in a positive perspective.

The presence of those found memories caused me to feel his true love for me because I realized that he wished he had been encouraging to me instead.  I felt his true wish for me as I watched the men on their horses romping about which caused me to recall the fond memory of him team roping with his friends.  I realized his encouragement and true wish for me that day.  He was telling me to dance and frolic through my life.  He was telling me to open up and bloom.  He was telling me to stop hiding from my fears and to take life by the horns and ride life.

My “Beloved” shinned the brightest because that’s what he was taught in spite of his gentle and caring heart.  To see him for what he was doesn’t mean I don’t love him; I still love him to death and I always will.  I know that he learned to act the way he did because of the example that was set before him to follow, and I know that I learned from the example set before me and in turn I taught the same thing to my children and now their teaching it to theirs.  On and on it goes as we cycle-cycle among ourselves.  It always is victim, abuser; abuser then victim; it’s all we know.

The cycle of verbal abuse is what we’ve all been taught.  We’ve all been taught how to participate in the cycle of verbal abuse.  We’ve been taught what our established part should be and we’ve taught it to the next generation and on and on it will go, unless we all stop.  We all need to get off of this merry go round that spins like a top.  Round and round, up and down.  Are you dizzy yet?  Do you need a barf bag?  Should I get you a pill for your heart ache?  Isn’t the pain in your heart great enough to finally stop participating in the cycle of verbal abuse?  Are you ready to stop bringing your life so much pain?

The awakening of my heart occurred when I was at home at my castle that was built on a mesa and I heard over the waves of my television that a landmark hotel had caught fire in my beloved home town.  My hometown is my very heart and I was quickened within my heart to run home when I heard the report that the landmark of my heritage was now a blazing flame. 

I drove to my hometown through the most beautiful canyon you’ll ever see and stood before that smoldering landmark and wept as I saw what had become of that once lovely hotel that resided in the town of my heritage.  As I stood before that building my heart scream at me to walk away from the destruction of my life.  My heart dawned the minute I cried out to my Best Friend and said, “Come over me and take me home to myself, please.”  I knew for a fact within my heart that as I was looking at the destruction that was still in my life and I owed the truth of what I saw held within the rubble of that hotel on the spot.

I had a realization while standing in front of that burned out hotel.  I realized that I was dead and it was time for me to enter the rapture of the deep and walk away from the death of my life as my spirit was quickened as I gazed upon the twisted steal and fallen bricks while the smoke from the fire was smoldering from the very belly of that hotel.  I realized that I had already died and that I was dead to the very core of my being as I stood before that burned out building.  I realized I had become numb again and a member of the walking dead once more.  I realized that my death had actually occurred and it took a catastrophic fire to awaken me.  What’s it going to take to bring you out of your comas?

I died to self that day.  I died to self that very day.  I once and for all owned up and became accountable for myself and the fact that I’d been sitting in the destruction of my childhood bad start for the whole of my life and it was time for me to get up and walk the hell out of the death of my life.

My Best Friend lifted me up.  I was resurrected by my Best Friend.  He called me to the rapture of the deep as he quickened my very soul to go home to myself.  I was saved as I was reborn and taken to Paradise as I stood there in front of what was once a beautiful hotel that represented the cornerstone of my heritage and was now twisted steel and bricks lying on the ground as I saw myself contained within what my eyes were beholding.  I realized I had finally died.  I saw with my own eyes the destruction that still remained in my life as I saw the twisted steel and fallen bricks.  I was ruptured on the spot and taken to Paradise, as I heard His call to my name.

May your guiding light be strong.

I realized I was still sitting in my life’s destruction.  I realized that I had just as much destruction left within my life that was brought to that hotel from the fire it endured.  Fire cleanses you know.  As I gazed upon the twisted steel and fallen bricks while smoke bellowed from beneath I could see with my own two eyes that there was more that I still needed to change in me.  I saw it as I gazed upon the burned out structure that was the corner stone of my heritage. 

As I stood there and wept from my deepest parts, I knew it had become time for me to go to the desert and cleanse myself in order to rid myself of the destruction I had built my life from.  I soon after found all my destructive patterns that I had lived my life with and I saw how damaging they had been to my wellbeing.  I saw how destructive this style of communication, this way of relating with others in my interpersonal relationships had become and how it seemed to be “key note” in my life and a light bulb turned on in my head with such illumination I had to wear sun glasses when I heard the Divine truth being given to me about the cycle of verbal abuse after I took my leave from my family and went to the desert to find the answers to how it was that I lost my heart.  It took me long enough to find myself, didn’t it?  I went missing in action for forty nine years of my life.  I’ve only just awakened from the slumber of my childhood bad start.

That’s the day that my heart dawned.  That’s when my heart awakened and all of my emotions were set free to be felt.  Seeing the beloved landmark in my home town now only fiery remains of twisted steel with smoke bellowing and emitting from its lower gut woke my very soul, as I entered the rapture of the deep.  My spirit screamed at me to walk away from the destruction of my life as I stood before that hotel and watched it smolder from its very belly.  I heard his rapture call and was taken to Paradise.

May your guiding light be strong.

On the way out of town after my sad visit I saw my Grandfathers spirit.  There was an old gentleman walking down the street with brown slacks, a blue flannel plaid long sleeved shirt with a beige hat on his head, walking with a cane.  I stopped my car in the middle of the street right next to this old gentleman and he and I stared into each other’s eyes while looking at one another with bewilderment upon our faces. 

Then I smiled my pretty smile at him and his eyes danced.  He nodded his head, tipped his hat and bid me a fond farewell as he walked on down the street.  I drove down the street a ways and had to pull over because I was crying so hard my shoulders were shaking.  It took me half an hour to compose myself before I began the trip back to the valley where my castle was. 

My Grandfather last lived in that hotel before his death and my grandfather kissed me goodbye that day.  He kissed my loving face with this little old man’s smile and the shine in his eyes as he tipped his hat and walked away.  My Grandfather had kissed me goodbye.  My Grandfather had kissed me goodbye and I felt his true love for me. 

That’s when my heart dawned.  The hotel fire that was four stories high caused my heart to dawn.  The fire in my hometown is what caused my heart to dawn and set all my emotions free to be felt for the first time since I was a small child.  That event is what caused my heart to dawn as it brought me to my feet and I heard the rapture call unto the deep within my spirit.  My spirit was quicken and I heard His rapture call being spoken to my heart as He lifted me up into the rapture of the deep and set all my emotions free and lead me to Paradise. 

May your guiding light be strong. 

I listened to music all the way through “The Last Miracle Mile” trying to find true loves start.  Music ministers to broken hearts.  Rock and roll sooths my soul.  I would sing along, dream and fantasize with the lyrics of the songs.  Because my heart had dawned as I gazed upon that precious hotel in my hometown and all my emotions had been set free to finally be felt once more I began to release all my inhibitions. 

As I listened to my radio and I could hear within the songs the fantasies of my heart as the lyrics of the songs began to run together and tell a story of such desirable magnitude I couldn’t help myself but to write my fantasies down.  I started writing the lyrics to the songs I was listening to as I strung the sentences together from the music I was listening and in turn the story I laid down became a fantasy to die for. 

Fantasies are the free play of creative imagination.  Fantasies are a creation of the imaginative faculty whether expressed or merely conceived.  Fantasies are the power or the process of creating unrealistic or improbable mental images that are portrayed outwardly with the mind and fantasies are a day dream, they’re a damn day dream.

I wanted to live and experience each word I wrote.  I wanted to experience my fantasies.  I wanted to live my fantasies.  I unleashed my inhibitions as I wrote my fantasies down. They were secret fantasies that I had held for a life time within myself.  Fantasies are personal, they’re “dreams” one makes in secrecy.  They’re secret wishes that you want to come true at some time in your life so I laid down my inhibitions and shouted them all out.

My hearts awakening while standing in front of a four story burned out building in my hometown awakened my heart and gave my fantasies a voice, as I sung them unabashedly and took pen in hand and wrote them down.  All of my emotions had been awakened at long last.   My hearts awakening unleashed all my emotions as I stood in front of that smoldering building so I set my emotions free and began to give them expression for the first time in my life as I scribed my fantasies and shouted them all out with no inhibition.  I lost my inhibitions and I finally set my pent up fantasies free and gave my fantasies the expression they needed.  I’ve been dreaming this same fantasy all the days of my adult life so I put my fantasies to paper and wrote them down. 

But then I took these fantasies into my heart as the fantasies I wrote took me away from my hearts great pain.  I was dreaming and playing in my sensuality and released all of my inhibitions as I scrolled my every wish.  Writing is lethargic for me so why not get lost in a fantasy.  I took the fantasies I had written and was dreaming about into my heart and my fantasies became the song my heart wanted to sing to another and have sung back to me.  My fantasies became what I wanted to live and experience. 

In my uninhibited fantasies that became my truth that I wrote to paper and wanted as my own to live someday held within the lyrics of the songs I was listening to, I wanted to be swept off of my feet and taken away to a castle in the sky where no more harm could ever come into my heart again.  In the fantasy that I dreamed all the days of my life I wanted to be swept away by a shiny knight who would embrace my heart and would promise me I would always belong to only him all the days of my life.  I wanted to belong to a knight who would promise me that I would always belong and he would sweep me away by his love for me and from anymore pain and hurt that could ever hurt my heart again.

I had experienced just such a fantasy with a knight in shining armor at the age of eighteen upon my first encounter with my knight who I had cut my cord that bound so I just knew to find another knight who would sweep me off my feet as my first knight had would mean that I had finally found true loves start.  I thought to have this encounter once again would mean that I had finally found true loves start.  I thought that true loves start had obviously not taken hold with my knight because my heart had become so painful that I couldn’t even stay with my knight any longer and had to flee to stop my hearts pain.

It was a fantasy, alright.  It was my fantasy to be rescued by a knight once more in shining armor who would rescue me from my hearts pain for all the days of my life.  My fantasy obviously didn’t take hold with my first knight so maybe there was another knight out there with whom it might take.  I was hurting like hell for having left my knight and I just wanted all the pain my heart was in to stop. 

I had left my knight with whom I had a union under the cycle of verbal abuse and I had become a single maiden when one day as I was sitting in “Shakespeare’s Garden” and I thought I had met once more just such a knight.  I thought I’d found a new knight in shining armor who would sweep me off  my feet and take me away from the great pain my heart was in because I found him in “Shakespeare’s Garden” where I met with my Best Friend.  Another born romantic, that’s me.  I met this knight in my garden place where I sooth my soul and meet with my Best Friend as I write.  I feel at home with the birds and the beasts. 

It was my empathy for the pain I could see in his eyes, when first we met, that drew me to his name.  He looked lost and lonely just like me.  At first glaze upon his countenance I could see his pain.  As he stopped to talk I could see the pain in his eyes.  I could sense that we were kindred spirits to the feeling of pain because his countenance was so sad. 

He spoke little of himself, although what he spoke of was vague and very slight I still knew he was struggling in his life and I just knew he would understand my plight.  I needed someone to understand what I was going through for having left my knight.  I could feel from him that he was, at heart, a good knight who would know and understand what it was that I was going through.  I could sense that he could identify with me.  I could sense that his true heart was just like the knight I had walked away from so foolishly.

I had a beautiful knight but I refused to see him.  I had tarnished his armor with my participation in the cycle of verbal abuse as had he, by his participation in the cycle of verbal abuse and he no longer looked desirable to me.  I cut our cord that bound us emotionally, spiritually and mentally and walked away from my knight, and this new knight that I met in my garden place had all of the same qualities my knight once displayed to me when first we met.  My heart told me he was, at heart, ever bit of a knight as the one I had just left so I thought I had found my new knight in shining armor who would sweep me off of my feet and take me away from the great pain my heart was in.  After all, I was swept off my feet by my first knight when his armor was shinny and bright when first we met.

My knight’s armor was so shinning and bright when first we met.  I thought to be swept away by a new knight in shining armor that my knight once wore would mean that I had found my fresh start and that I had finally found true loves start.  I had walked away from my knight and had cut the cord that bound us.  I had left and was stepping forward in my life, alone.  I was standing at a new beginning with a blank page before me and my ending was unplanned when I met this new shinny knight. 

I threw myself at this knight because he appeared to look fresh and clean to me and was wearing, at heart, the same armor as my knight once wore.  I could see qualities in my first knight that drew me to his name such as understanding, empathy, caring, tenderness and a very kind heart but now all I could see in my knight was dented armor and no light in his eyes. 

That’s because the light in his eyes went out because he spent a lifetime of stuffing his pain down within his heart never giving it a way to come back out.  Instead he and I engaged in a life time of reactive anger and spun together in the cycle of verbal abuse only causing more pain to each of our names.

When I reacted out of my hearts pain I was like a fire eating dragon shooting fire at my knight while participating in the cycle of verbal abuse and reacting from my platform of blame.  He tarnished his armor as stuffed the pain that my reactive anger brought.  At the end of our union he looked terrible to me and I needed a new knight.  Mine was broken and his armor looked like hell.  My fire breath killed his spirit and his soul as he kept stuffing the pain that my reactive anger brought.  He had no armor left by the time I left his side because he kept stuffing his pain he felt that I had caused him to feel.

As the new shinny knight saw me sitting alone scrolling at a pick nick table in “Shakespeare’s Garden” he asked, “Mind if I sit down?”  As we sat and talked and I found him warm and genuine as he listened to why I was sitting in “Shakespeare’s garden.”  His empathy, care and concern for me swept over me, as I shared with him that I had left my knight of thirty six years.

I had just left my knight and was scribing in my garden place how to separate the household belongings for having cut the cord that bound me to my knight.  This knight’s empathy for me on that day, when he learned I was leaving a union of thirty six years was real and genuine and my heart felt his genuine empathy, care and concern for the situation I was in.  He touched my heart with his empathy, care and concern for me that he expressed to me with his kind words.  He demonstrated such tenderness as he listen to me talk.  Then the two of us flirted a bit with each other as he stood to leave.  As he left and was walking away he flirted with me in words that sang and danced.  The words he spoke went something like this:

“Do you come here often?”  “Yes I do,” was my return comment.  “Maybe I’ll see you some time again,” said he.  “I’d like that,” was my reply.  Then he said, “By the way, how old are you?”  My reply was, “fifty six” and he answered “I’m forty nine.”  Then the implication came between us that we were regardless a good fit.  Well folks, I was born in 1949 and I was fifty six and he was forty nine and was born in 1956 and I knew that I had cut my cord that bound myself to my knight’s heart and was divorced.  I saw blue skies before me and I was looking for true loves start.  I was looking for a fresh start for my heart and believe me when I say I’m a true born romantic.

He was one smooth operator, and I jumped to a conclusion that you could see coming like the nose on your face.  I’m a dreamer and I had dreamed of true loves start, a love that would feel genuine and real to my heart, since I was a child.  I was out hunting for my fresh start and a love that would feel real and genuine and true to my heart.  Holy cow, what do you think I thought was staring me in the face?  I had gone out into the world full of innocence and anticipation of blue skies and I had an open arms approach to all, my heart decreed it so.

It was I who went one step further at our next chance encounter when once again weeks later I arrived to scroll at “Shakespeare’s Garden,” and he was there again unplanned.  I had by then scribed my fantasy and wanted this fantasy for myself so I imposed myself into his life.  In the fantasy that I had written and wanted for myself he became the knight that I wanted to have.  He made me want him because his armor was shinny just like my knights used to be.

This knight, at our first encounter, was able to show his genuine concern and care for the plight I was in just like my first knight had done as I shared my childhood bad start with him as he swept me into his arms and promised to ease all my fears and dry all my tears.  This new shinny knight who I call “Sir Trip and Fall” showed his honest empathy, care and concern for me when first we met and he had no ulterior motive that could even be detected.  When first we met at “Shakespeare’s Garden” he demonstrated no ulterior motive as he sat to talk as his empathy for my situation poured over me when I told him of my plight.

It was I who pounced at our next chance encounter, not him.  That shows that he had no ulterior motive when first we met.  I pounced on him first at our second chance encounter not the other way around.  Sir Trip and Fall shined just like my first knight and I couldn’t help myself from pouncing on him when next we met.  He was kind, caring and tender hearted just like my knight used to be.  I could feel it exuding from him when first we met.  He had every single quality my former knight used to be able to let shine.  I know how to pick a knight, I just didn’t know how not be a beast of burden to a knight as I imposed myself into his life.

I wanted Sir Trip and Fall to say yes to me and I wished he would take me away to his castle in the sky so I pounced the next time we met.  I imposed myself into his life and I wanted my fantasy I had held for all my life to come true.  In reality, I was on all the steps that lead into the cycle of verbal abuse.  I was full of fear, anger, worry, hurt and loneliness.   I was desperately trying to control my situation while trying to control Sir Trip and Fall while asking him to be for me what I needed him to be so I could feel better about myself.

But as we became entangled I could feel myself being abusive to his heart and I could feel his heart questioning my intent for having pounced on him in the first place.  His eyes were very perplexed as I gazed into them as I made my advances of him.  Obviously he had no ulterior motive, he was dumb founded that I pounced upon our second chance encounter.  In my heart I could feel myself being abusive to him, he seemed so perplexed that I pounced upon him the next time I saw him.

All he had done at our first encounter was sit and talk, giving to me his genuine care and concern then he flirted a bit as he walked away never thinking he would even see me again but hoping that one day he would.  Upon our second chance encounter, none the same, he bit the bait I threw out and then as he tried to comfort me from my pain I could sense his abuse of me.

Oh my God, hind sight screams, he too birthed an abusive heart from his childhood bad start.  I could feel the discomfort of what I was saying yes too because it felt abusive to my heart.  I could feel that I was abusing myself.  I didn’t care I just wanted my pain to stop as the discomfort of my heart kept mounting and was screaming at me to stop while allowing his ever advancing approaches of me and mine of him that I had unleashed in the two of us. 

Together we spun and cycled in the circle of pain with one another.  We were each playing our established part to the cause of another’s broken heart.  We both owned abusive hearts that were birthed in us from our own childhood bad starts.  We were both trying desperately to find a way to make ourselves feel better because of the great pain we had allowed to abide in each of our hearts throughout our lives. 

Our hearts crashed into one another because we both recognized who we were, two people lost and lonely who were looking for a fresh start for our hearts while hiding from ourselves.  We recognized each other’s abusive hearts.  I felt drawn to him and couldn’t figure out why.  It’s because we had shut ourselves off and we were numb and were walking around like the walking dead like a couple of zombies.  I recognized his spirit because we were members of the same damn club.

He and I both flirted and danced with the feelings of lust we had for each other but neither of us crossed that certain boundary we knew we should not cross.  We, each one, kept ourselves in a safe place while trying to guard our hearts from the pain it would bring to partake in what we both knew we should not.  We bantered and flirted with one another as we danced with the words that we exchanged between ourselves.  For at least that moment in time it was great fun.  It gave me the feeling that I was fixing my broken wings and he made me feel desirable once again.

I now realize that I was really just looking for a release from my hearts great pain and he was busy doing the same.  We both could sense that I was using him and he was using me toward the end because we had abusive hearts that had been birthed at our own childhood bad starts.

Upon our third chance encounter because we had once again arrived in “Shakespeare’s Garden” on the same day, is when I said goodbye to the insanity I had brought us both into.  We had both come to our senses at that encounter because we both realized that we were guilty of trying to make ourselves feel better and were using each other.  I had enough sense to stop myself and so had he by then.  I had come to my senses because my heart screamed and woke me up.  What we were doing felt abusive to me.  I could feel his abuse of me, it was in his touch and my heart was screaming of the abuse I was dishing out to him so on that day I said goodbye to him, kissed him on his cheek and we parted ways.

He wore shades over his eyes at every encounter after our initial visit; he didn’t want me to see his soul.  He stayed hidden and tucked himself safely away behind his sun glasses, instead.  I asked him for his love and then I said, “Let me make it clear to you, if you’re not in it for love, if you’re not willing to give me your whole heart, then I want no part of you.” 

I cut this knight off at his knees and that was the end of that.  Abruptly it started and abruptly it stopped because my heart said, no, no, no, no, no, no you’re not the one for me.”  Players only love you while their playing so I told him, “I’m out of here.”  I’m sure he has many questions in his heart and mind such as, “What the hell was that?”

THE LAST MIRACLE MILE

Written by:  Mary Moon

Pages 98 - 110

I shouldn’t have to be afraid to speak my words of love to you out of fear of your rejection or your retribution.  You think I should be afraid to speak what I have to say to you, because you think it’s wrong for me to speak something that would hurt your feelings.  I shouldn’t be afraid to hurt your feelings when I have something that needs to be spoken.  I hope I’ve evoked all of your emotions, at least then you’ll be awake to hear the truth of what I speak, and maybe then you’ll see yourselves for what you are. 

I’m on the shore of Paradise, while basting in the light of His Divine truth.  I was freezing to death in that cold river water of denial, and I was sick of feeling so sick of heart, cold, lonely and empty.  My life felt like I lived in a deep dark void all the time.  I was numb from my head down to my toes, for forty nine years of my life.  But while swimming with everyone else, I would express my disapproval when I felt offended by what they said or did and I took offense.  I would express my disapproval of them out of my pain that I had stuffed inside.  I expressed my disappointment in them and let them know that I was displeased with them for speaking or doing what they just did or didn’t do for my sake.  I told them what they were guilty of doing to me.  I let them know how they were failing me, I’d tell them through my subtle behaviors and actions or my words of reproach. 

Both behaviors were an act of blaming and condemning that person sternly.  It was a form of control to keep others out, and from causing me to feel offended.  I gave them my official reprimand about how what they did or said caused me such offense as I reacted from my emotions of anger and hurt.  I judged them and condemned them for how they made me feel.  I pronounced them guilty as charged for how they made me feel.  I convicted them for how they made me feel for having expressed themselves.  I told them that they were reprehensible and responsible to take care of my wellbeing for my sake, through my reactions and the tone the reactions brought. 

I sentenced them and declared them unfit for use without reservation, because of the way they just made me feel.  They were, after all, responsible for having just hurt me and they deserved to be criticized by me, right?  They deserved to be held responsible and criticized for what they said to me and how what they had said made me feel.  They deserved my censuring so they’d get back into their proper place within the relationship.   

I lived my life circling in these behaviors.  I had to break these dreadful behaviors that plagued my life, I had too.  I was full of the emotions of fear, anger, hurt, worry and loneliness and I was always in the need to control my environment and the people in it, and I could only stop participating in the cycle of verbal abuse when I pulled away and swore to my heart not to stay a part of the pack as I ran to hide and scroll, so I could get to the bottom of my tattered life.  I swore to myself that I’d do my best to stop playing my established part as I ran to hide from all of you.  I decided to take a risk, take a chance, make a change and grow.

I decided that in order to accomplish this great task, I’d have to break away from everyone, because I needed the time to learn how to spread my wings and fly.  I stepped out of the cycle and brought everyone my silence, so I could regroup.  I couldn’t seem to stop playing my part in the cycle of verbal abuse while I was connected to anyone, and I couldn’t stop spinning like a top. I couldn’t gain jurisdiction over my mouth while in your presence.  I was compelled to blame another for the unhappiness in my heart at the time I fled from all of you.

I no longer want to continue to react out of the pain that I use to carry around in my gunny sack that evokes my emotions of hurt and anger.  I became tired of reacting out of the pain I was lugging around, and had let abide in my life.  I no longer wanted to be the source of my own pain.  I no longer wanted the words I spoke back to you, out of my reactions, to cause you pain and hurt, so it became time for me to get off of the merry go round that spins like a top; my heart couldn’t handle another drop.  My heart took this stand and I’m standing behind it.  You can’t change my new point of view. 

I’ve found a place to hide from those who want to continue to spin in the cycle of verbal abuse; this place is my hearts wish to stop bringing pain into my life.  I had to stop blaming others for the pain that I was always in.  I’m now the keeper of my heart and I’ll say if the words you speak or the deeds I think you’re doing toward me, can come in or not.  I decided to try to stop playing my part so I could stay out of the circle of pain that I was spinning myself in.  I stepped away from everyone I knew in order to stand behind my hearts pledge to stop bringing pain into my life, as soon as I realized it was me who was causing my own pain.  I finally realized that it was me who stuck myself in a circle of pain with my behavior patterns. 

I could no longer play my personal established part that I had been playing with the people in my life.  It had become time for me to learn how to take care of my own emotional wellbeing.  It had become time for them to become accountable for their own emotional wellbeing.  So I left them alone with themselves and found a place to be alone where I could take my stand.

Now I’m trying not to speak cruel reactive words from my mouth.  I no longer want to blame another for the condition of my heart.  I was an addict to reacting from my emotions of anger, fear, worry, loneliness, or hurt that was always with me.  These emotions hung over me like a cloud all the days of my life.  Most of the time, it seemed like one big step that I could leap from to blame you for what I was feeling.  I had all these emotions just sitting on the surface and I was like a walking time bomb.   

I had to run and hide and shut my mouth.  I picked up my marbles and said, “Game over.”  I went home to my heart and I did what my heart was telling me to do.  I stood behind my hearts wish to stop spinning in the circle of pain.  I wasn’t trying to fool anyone and I wasn’t trying to pass myself off as something I’m not.  This is not a game to me.  I’m not the brandings and labels that have been given to my name, and I do not feel any guilt or shame. 

I’m not being selfish and self centered and neglectful of others, I’m taking care of me and my own heart for a change, instead of taking care of the emotional wellbeing of everyone else.  Living a life of circling in the cycle of verbal abuse brought only pain into my life, and is what caused me to be labeled and branded with so many wrong names.  I looked like a lunatic.  I was an addict to reacting out of my emotions. 

I ran and hid and isolated myself so I could find the answers to why my life felt so tattered and torn, and I started to learn how to break my habit of participating in the cycle of verbal abuse once I found through my journaling that it was the “key note” in my life.  I knew the first thing to do was to shut the hell up, so I did.  I know I threw the baby out with the bathwater by isolating myself from all of you, but I didn’t know what else to do to stop spinning with all of you.  I just wanted my damn peace of mind. 

I now try to refuse to speak before my mouth is under my hearts control.  Sometimes I miss the mark, but I’m trying my very best to break the cycle of verbal abuse that’s in my life.  I’ve stood and taken my hearts stand to stop the cycle of verbal abuse from ruling my life, and I’ll beat it into submission if I have to. 

My heart said, “Shut your mouth and find a place to take your stand,” so I ran and hid trying to find the answer to why I felt so tattered and torn, and then I set about to subdue this horrible habit of cycling with others.  I refused to speak to anyone, as I realized it was my participation in the cycle of verbal abuse that was keeping me from feeling whole and complete.  It was my own participation in the cycle of verbal abuse that had kept me from being all that I knew I could be, and I didn’t know how to gain control over my mouth with any of you, so I left to be alone so I could find my truths. 

I dished out verbal abuse and it was given back to me, there was no stopping my anger when it came time for me to fire my words back to you, once you had offended me.  I kept thinking to myself, “There has to be something better than always being in the middle of confusion and strife, the world has heaps and heaps of worthless souls.”  I would think to myself, “Where did all the real people go?” 

I decided that I or you are no longer allowed to say, “I see this in you and it makes you untrue.”  Words that hit and hurt and cause great pain may no longer be spoken to my name; your words and deeds can’t hurt me if I don’t let them.  Now instead, I take care of what I feel.  I’m trying my absolute best not to react and blame you for the condition I let my heart get in, even if sometimes I still miss the mark.  I know I’ve at least killed the spirit of the cycle of verbal abuse and I know for a fact that I no longer wish to live my life this way.  I’m doing my very best to act accountable for how I feel, for the first time in my life.

I try to shut up long enough to take the time to analyze what I feel, and sometimes I still miss the mark, but I know when I’ve done it wrong because I can recognize what I’m doing when I try to control another person so they’ll be for me what I want them to be.  Manipulating others doesn’t work; they’re still who they are.  I can’t change others, I can only change my reactions so I try my best to see myself so I can break these habits I’ve lived my life with for the whole of my life.  I’m not so stupid to know that it’s going to take time to change a lifetime of habits that have been mine to wear.  I’ve been working at this truth for a year and a half now and some of these habits are still here.

I also quit the job that I assigned myself for others so they didn’t have to grow and change, as I stopped enabling their complacency and indifference to growth and change.  I laid the accountability I thought I was to bear for others, down.  I learned we’re accountable for our own emotional wellbeing and I learned not to expect others to do that for me.  I also learned I don’t have to be afraid if the words I speak hurt your feelings.  I don’t have to be quiet to keep from hurting your feelings.  That’s an awful big request of others.  Don’t you think it stupid asking of another to take care of your wellbeing for you all the days of your life?  Start increasing your circle of friends and see just how stressful this can get by demanding others to be for you what you need them to be.  You’ll chase all your friends away. 

I’ve made a decision, instead, to just hang out over here where the air is clear and I can breathe and feel happy about myself, because I’m taking care of my own emotional wellbeing and I’m doing what it takes to bring the change and growth into my life that I spent a lifetime searching for.  I’m trying my best to lay down my bag of tricks that try to control others into taking care of my emotional wellbeing for my sake so my internal environment feels in control.  I can take care of my own emotional wellbeing and you need to learn how to do the same. 

This I do know, harsh reactive words spoken to another’s heart from my reactive anger, is earnestly being worked on to depart.  I know that I’ve given others this same pain and labeled them wrong and called each of them false names.  I know I’ve said they were at fault for what I felt and I know that I’ve misjudged them and the situation by reacting out of stuffed pain that I never took the time to resolve.  I swam out of my river of denial about myself. 

I’m so sorry to all of you that I failed to cherish your hearts and instead chose to do my established part.  I hit and slapped you with my words and deeds and caused you to feel desperate and blue, which made you think that I was untrue.  Behind the mask of a woman whose heart seemed untrue was the heart of a woman who was simply always feeling blue.  The way I treated you made you think terrible things about my character and I know I treated you the same as I made you think terrible things about yourself and your characters. 

I can see that I’ve been doing this for the whole of my life to each of you.  I’m not standing in the river of denial like all of you.  Can’t you see what you’re doing to others by misjudging them and misjudging the situation because of resentments, past offenses and grudges that you’ve held onto for your lifetime?  Can you admit to playing your part in this vicious cycle like I have? 

I no longer want to hurt another’s heart because my desire is to stop.  My heart just knew that I had to lay this cycle down at my Best Friend’s feet.  I ripped at my families’ hearts for the whole of my life.  I’m so sorrowful to have been the source of their hurt.  Please each one of you, forgive me for acting so insane and pointing the finger of blame. 

The cycle of verbal abuse is the claim to fame in my life, not my name.  To call my name untrue made me feel so blue and I’m sorry I did the same to you.  My name is not synonymous with loser, its Mary Suzanne and I’ve lived my life the very best that I can.  I’m not scum under your feet; to know the real me would give you a treat.

 What I have done is live my life walking in anger, fear, hurt, worry, loneliness and the need to control others, since I was a child and at times I felt that I would go wild.  That’s why I was abusive to you and that’s what made me look so untrue.  Behind the mask of a woman whose heart was tattered and torn laid a heart of a woman who has been reborn. 

My participation in the cycle of verbal abuse had allowed so much pain in my heart, that my pain was overflowing out of my mouth in an attempt to ease my hurt.  All I ever felt was angry, hurt, worried, fearful, and lonely.  Walking in these emotions made me seem insane and you misjudged what I was really going through.  I never understood what I was going through so how could you?  You don’t even know what you’re going through so how could you identify what I was going thru?  Instead, we all just stood our grounds and spun together in a “Tasmanian spin,” all the days of our lives.

When I decided to return fire and bring forth the cycle, while directing my blame at you, it was because I had found fault in you from what you just said or did.  You better run from me because I would have kicked your shin.  The anger and hurt that I didn’t know how to lay down is what I’ve always lived with and carried around.  I collected every ounce of hurt and anger that was ever given to me as I stuffed my pain deep within my heart and blamed you for hurting my feelings.  

The pattern of behaving this way started with my first offenders when I was four years old, and this pattern of behaving this way moved on into the stock pile of all the other offenses, resentments and held onto grudges that hurt along my life path.  I shoved all of that pain from each hurtful event down in my heart, until my heart exploded from the hate it brought. 

I know that I made this really bad choice and there’s no one to blame but myself, because I’m responsible for my life choices.  I don’t need to be told by you the things you think I’m guilty of; I myself have become very bold.  I at least recognize what I’m doing, can you say the same?  I swam out of the river of denial about myself and I’m not afraid to see what’s inside and I do realize that I keep missing the mark, but I’ve taken a stand to try and stop playing my established part, which is more than I can say for any of you. 

I asked for this change to be brought forth in me.  I’ve learned to be honest with myself and I’ve accepted and own the ugly truths about myself.  I made a conscious decision to take a stand and try to stop participating in this terrible life cycle of allowing my emotions of anger, fear, hurt, worry and loneliness to rule my life. 

That’s why I ran and hid from everyone, refusing to speak to anyone.  I had to stop participating in the confusion and strife I was spinning in, so that I could stop.  We were all standing in the middle of the “Okay corral,” at the time I took flight and hid myself away.  I couldn’t stay and act so insane for another minute.  I had to try to break this bad habit of spite and hate in my life, and I’m changing the habit of returning fire given back at others when I feel hurt or offended by what you say or do, and I know now that I’ll never be the same. 

I did that for myself when I broke away from all of you who are my loved ones, family and friends, as I stood behind my hearts wish to stop acting so insane.  I made a conscience decision to stop spinning and I’ve now become a part of the cure.  I decided to stop living my life by my emotions of anger, fear, hurt, worry and loneliness.  I realized I was behaving that way so others would be for me what I needed them to be so I would feel better about myself and be a happier person, and that way I didn’t have to do the work to change and grow.  It was just more comfortable and easier that way.

I had to travel this “Last Miracle Mile” to have the ability to stand up and walk away from the destruction and the ashes of my past.  My beauty for ashes is now coming on fast.  I’m trying my best to carry on and I’m trying my very best to constitute a change in my life.  I know I’m no longer the same.  I packed my hopes and dreams and moved away from the cycle of verbal abuse, as I swam to the shore of Paradise.  

I only put distance and time between me, my loved ones and friends and no one ever left my heart, but to stop such a horrible habit I had to depart.  It was time to for me to face my demons and I needed to be alone to face my truths.  I knew that it had become time for me to write about my pain; my heart was broken again. 

At the age of thirty five, as I attempted to wake up, I puked out the first batch of pain from my childhood trauma but what I didn’t realize is, I continued to allow myself to stuff my anger and pain after I did that for myself.  I didn’t continue to take care of my feelings and my emotional wellbeing as I went forward in my life.  Unknowingly, I just continued in my life pattern of stuffing the feeling of pain and I never bothered to feel my emotions of fear, anger, hurt, worry and loneliness again.  As I’ve already said, I hadn’t made the connection of what I kept doing to myself that brought me to such a painful place in my heart.  I didn’t realize I was in a behavior pattern that I hadn’t recognized I was doing. 

I understood when I felt the need to release my childhood trauma, that I had held onto that pain for the whole of my life and it was time to release the pain that was brought by all my offenders.  What I never realized, until now, was that I needed not to allow the pain of someone’s words or deeds to continue to be stuffed down in my heart repeatedly, but eventually my heart began to feel that familiar feeling of being dark, lonely and miserable again.  My hearts pain prompted me that it had become time for me to start all over and get the pain out of me once again, so I ran and hid refusing to speak. 

While alone, isolated from all of you, there was much anguish and sorrow I had to see and accept and own as my own wrongdoings before I could admit the truth about myself to myself.  It was hard to see myself so clearly and admit the mistakes I’d made in my life.  It was sorrowful and very painful to see myself clearly, but I realized that I had once again held onto and stuffed my anger and pain; the pain was so great again.  I had to withdraw from others, because they couldn’t have handled what I went through to disperse the pain my heart was in once again.  I was trying to preserve my reputation by withdrawing and refusing to speak. 

I had to get to the bottom of what had gone wrong with my life once more, and I had to know why I still felt so tattered and torn even after I let go of all my offenders’ wrongdoings and my childhood trauma.  None of you would have understood, even if I had tried to explain, I hardly understood myself, I was simply following my hearts beat and doing what my heart told me to do, which was to find a place to take my stand and shut my mouth.  That’s why I brought you my silence.

I cut the cord of my union to my wonderful knight because our union was built from the foundation of the cycle of verbal abuse.  We were united under the mantel of the cycle of verbal abuse so I left my knight on the spot and walked out of his life as I cut our cord that had bound us together.  I walked out of the cycle of verbal abuse that our union had been founded on and I divorced myself from him and the cycle of verbal abuse that we were connected by, as I cut the cord that bound us and I marched straight out of his life and the river of my denial about the condition I had let my heart become.  I became a single woman who was standing alone on my own two feet.  I divorced myself from my connection to him.  I let go of our union because it was founded on participating together in the cycle of verbal abuse, and I had had enough.

My union to my knight had found its death.  Till death we did part, I died.  Our union together had experienced its death because I died from stuffing pain within my heart for a lifetime.  I cut my cord that bound us, first, and then I found a deeper truth.  I found the truth of the cycle of verbal abuse and how my participation in this cycle was the vow of connection with my knight and I embraced my deeper truth instead. 

I had vowed a life of perfect conduct with him as I stuffed my unspoken words and all of my emotions trying not to hurt his feelings, while choosing instead to react out of the pain I thought he was constantly causing my heart to feel.  I emotionally, spiritually and mentally divorced myself from him, and I divorced myself from the vow this cycle requires of you and I left our castle we once abided in together as one, and I went home to myself. 

I’m on the shore of Paradise with myself and the whole of my family is sitting in the river of denial treading water together, not recognizing the truth about the cycle of verbal abuse.  You can all stay out there and swim as long as you like, I hope one day you’ll all come to your senses.  I’m staying right here and I’ll just sit and wait on all your asses to get out of that river of denial about the ruin that has been brought into your lives from the cycle of verbal abuse.  I’ll sit right here until you all realize that you need to let go of the “silent code” and “privacy code” that you all embrace to live your life from, and until you can admit to being a participant in the cycle of verbal abuse.

Why don’t you try something different for a change?  Is this system really working for any of you?  Are you really happy with your life?  Can you get honest with yourselves?  Do any of you even know how to get honest with yourselves?

It’s this way, follow me and dare to put your toe on the shore of Paradise.  Come fly and soar with me.  Step out of the river of denial about the cycle of verbal abuse, it’s time to change and grow.  The steel curtain you’re standing behind doesn’t let in the Sun.  Let go of the rigidity of your lives.  Stop doing and learn how to be.  All of you take ownership of your hearts and learn how to take care of your own emotional wellbeing.  Stop performing perfect conduct and worrying what others will think then turn around and claim that you’re happy with your life.  Stop expecting the others in your life to perform perfect conduct so that they don’t hurt your feelings.  You’re not happy.  You’re all miserable as hell, and you know it. 

Another generation is now at risk; please tell me you don’t want to be a part of this.  Please won’t you all help me stop the cycle of verbal abuse.  I’ve become an advocate for child abuse prevention, come join me.  Stop hurting the precious children in our family with words and deeds that are designed to control their hearts and minds, please cease and resist.  The hurt and pain will continue to grow if we don’t all join together and take our stand to stop this cycle of behavior patterns and codes of conduct to live our lives from. 

Each of us must take an individual stand and not remain and we must refuse to continue to play this game.  Stop this cruel cycle, do you hear me walk away.  Let the generations that are now upon us experience a life they were intended to have.  Children are our reward, a gift to us, and grandchildren are icing on the cake.  Don’t continue to make the same mistake. 

Speak words of encouragement and allow them to stand.  Allow them to own their hearts and allow them to learn how to trust their hearts leading for their lives.  Let them exercise their free will and find their way.  He gave them those hearts so let their hearts lead them true. 

Allow them to develop their instincts and to trust their gut, give to them the ability to learn the art of listening to their hearts lead.  Stop causing them to feel confused and uncertain about themselves as you instead teach them to abide by the “silent code” and “privacy code” that you’ve erected to live your lives from where none of them are allowed to speak their opinions, thoughts or emotions without the threat of your retribution if they do. 

The hearts and minds of children cannot be developed properly in an atmosphere of constant confusion, tension and strife while imposing your rules of conduct upon their heads.  It’s you who has introduced them to the cycle of verbal abuse and it’s you who has taught them to spin in the cycle with you and act the same.  They can’t participate and live in the strife and confusion that this behavior brings to their little hearts; they’ll get confused and lose their way.  You’ve taught them to act like you and they’re not being given the opportunity to develop healthy skills to communicate with. 

Stop sending confused messages to their minds and hearts.  When one day you’re kind then the next you are not it gives them confused messages that they take into their minds and hearts.  They question what’s true and they’re forced to conclude that they’re the ones who are being untrue because in their hearts they want to break out of all these rules.  Shame on you, you’re giving them the inability to reason what they’re supposed to do, so instead they begin to act just like you.  They’re never able to distinguish the truth from a lie.  They lose their footing and they lose their way. 

The cycle of verbal abuse, when used as a tool to conform children into their proper place, stifles and hinders a child’s growth.  Even the hateful words that you speak to one another are being witnessed by their eyes, ears, hearts and minds so stop running the risk of putting your children on such shaky emotional ground because it will affect their mental health and emotional health all the days of their life.  Believe me, I can attest to that and so can you if you would get honest with yourselves. 

The cycle of verbal abuse, when used, will only make you look like a lunatic and then the children don’t know where they’re supposed to stand because you keep moving their ground.  You’re teaching them to act the same.  Harsh words, threats and words of fear and intimidation spoken to them or between two people the child loves feels like the back of your hand. 

Pain enters their hearts and there it must remain because there is no forum in which to express that pain without the threat of the return cycle of verbal abuse being brought back down upon their heads.  They have learned to stuff their pain and live in their silence just like you were forced to do as you teach them that they’re not allowed to speak their minds, opinions, thoughts and emotions and that they are to plant their feet behind the “code of silence” and “privacy code” that you’re telling them is the rules and ethics of conduct performed so that they won’t step out of place.  You’re teaching them to be silent robots and to live their life in a dark void so that they’ll feel sad and lonely and isolated just like you.  Is that what you really want for them?  Is it?

Because there is no forum in which to express their wish for you to stop acting the way you are they’re left with the inability to figure out the simplest things in life.  They don’t trust themselves enough to decide what’s right and what’s wrong because they haven’t been allowed to learn how to trust their instincts or follow their gut.  Instead they’ve been handed a set of rules and conducts of behaviors to govern their lives with by you.  They’ve been given a “silent code” and a “privacy code” with which to govern their lives while their gut and instincts are put in doubt.  Hello?  Is anyone listening to me?  All of you wake the hell up right now. 

They haven’t been given a forum in which to give expression to their feelings and wishes for you to stop acting the way you are.  Their instinct tells them the truth about how you act but they doubt their ability to trust what they think about the situation.  This causes them to get lost on their journey as they’re forced to chase after their dreams instead of living them.  

I know this to be true.  The pain, hurt and anguish I felt from other controlling hearts and minds made me confused and unable to stand.  In reality all the pain, hurt and anguish that was being worn was just behind the mask of a woman whose heart was so torn.   

I’ve made mistakes along my path but I’ve learned to own them as my own.  I no longer wish or need to hear from anyone of you what I should be or what you think I should do.  I’m learning to survive.  I’m about the business of being instead of always doing what you need me to do for your sake, so your feelings don’t get hurt.  I’m learning to listen to my instincts, my gut and my hearts voice that will lead me into what my priorities are.  I’m learning to trust my own judgments about things and people, so that I can stand.  I’m following my hearts leading and now I know that I’m true.

Let me be about the business of being not about the business of doing correct conduct for your sake.  I don’t care what you think I should be doing instead for your sake so that you’ll feel emotionally balanced.  Please stop trying to control my every thought, decisions or choices I’m making for myself that brings nurturing of self into my life.  I’m not being neglectful of others.  I’m taking care of my own emotions and you need to be about the business of doing the same.  Let’s all check and balance instead of experiencing defeat.  Let’s all stop acting passive aggressive and refuse to dance to that old beat.  Give voice to a new song that I’m now singing.  I’m singing it strong, loud and clear.  Can you finally hear and understand what my true intent is toward you?

My only hope is that you can hear and truly understand that I think you’re all special and I hold you all dear.  From the bottom of my heart I love each and every one of you but it’s time to stop.  I promise to value and honor each one of my friends all I have ever wanted right from the start was to become a welcome part of your hearts.  

THE LAST MIRACLE MILE

Written by:  Mary Moon

Pages 86 - 98

We were told that silence is golden.  Bullshit!  We shouldn’t be afraid to speak to others what’s on our minds, for crying out loud.  We shouldn’t be afraid to speak what we have to speak to a person, especially when what we have to speak to them is because we love them.  A “silent code” dictates to others that they dare not speak their emotions or their mind.  It’s a stupid rule to live by because it binds and constricts.  That’s the point, because it’s all about control and keeping others with the inability to cause us the feeling of pain ever again. 

These codes became the unspoken rules given to our hearts that spoke don’t you dare cross and speak to me anything I don’t want to hear or you’ll pay a price for trying.  These codes were designed to hold others at bay and to keep pain from being felt. 

The silence has now been broken by me.  Can you finally hear my hearts voice?  You can’t hide when the light of truth hits the dark corners of your heart, I know you can’t. 

The message that we were given, as children, was that no one was ever allowed to speak our thoughts, opinions or emotions.  We were all taught to keep the secrets of our emotional state to ourselves and called it our privacy and our personal boundaries.  We stuffed our emotions and called it our privacy maintained.  We call our emotions stuffed, our boundaries maintained.  Others are not allowed to cross your so called emotional boundaries, and your hiding your true emotional state and calling it your privacy.  Wake the hell up.  Clear!  Clear! 

You honestly believe that others are not to intrude past your so called personal boundaries.  It’s not personal boundaries that you’re hiding behind.  You’re hiding behind rules of conduct and rules of ethics instilled, while trying to keep others from having the ability to hurt you.  It became a way to survive.  We were all taught not to cross anyone’s so called emotional boundary, without realizing that we were busy hiding from others.  We’ve been taught that we were to stay the heck out or pay the price for the intrusion, if we dared to speak our voice. 

These codes have kept us blinded to the simple honest truth that it’s our own participation in the cycle of verbal abuse that has caused and is still causing our hearts the offense we feel when someone says or does something that we don’t like.  If you want to take a stand with me about the truth of this and insist that all I’ve done is invade your personal privacy and exposed unwarranted shame then just know that I’ll no longer join in and spin with you in the cycle of verbal abuse and act the same. 

I don’t believe in this crap anymore.  I don’t like being fearful to speak to you because I’m afraid of what my words will make you feel.  I know that I’m not responsible for your emotional wellbeing, you are.  I’ve had enough fear in my life.  I’ve walked in fear for my whole life while keeping my emotions and feelings stuffed in a void until I died from the emptiness and loneliness that was in my heart.  My words have never been allowed to be heard before.  I lived in a vacuum of thought up in my head of the words I wish I could give expression to instead, out of the fear to speak because what I have to say might hurt your feelings, for my whole life.

What you’ll be saying to me by your actions, words and deeds you’ll want to return, because you don’t like what I’ve spoken, is that you want me to instead quickly depart instead of you taking the time to listen to the truth that’s in your heart.  What you need to be angry about is your participation in the cycle of verbal abuse, not my choice to not stay and act the same.

As for me, I will not participate in this insane circle of pain ever again.  I will not associate myself with the cycle of verbal abuse ever again, because it’s pure insanity.  I’ve laid down my hearts great pain and I can’t get back on this merry go round again.  It’s you who’s refusing to listen to what I have to say.  This is the truth that needs to be spoken to each of you, rather you like it or not and I’m saying these truth to you because I love you all so very much.  You need to be told what you’re doing that’s destroying your life and like a honest Aunt you’re going to hear this truth from me, rather you like it or not.  I love you too much to stand by in silence. 

I won’t participate in the cycle with any of you, and if you feel the need to enter the cycle and spin toward me, you’ll be spinning in the middle of the floor by yourself.  Instead, your spin will be in the middle of the room that I just vacated, and you’ll feel like I’ve abandoned you, when I have not.  I’m leaving you alone to abide with yourself as you continue to walk in your ignorance. 

I’m going to continue to work on myself and make the changes I need to constitute in my life, so I can grow and change.  You may sit alone in your spin and get dizzy enough that you’ll finally want to take the time to barf your pain away. 

I can’t abide in two places at once.  I can’t abide with you and abide with me.  A person abides as one.  I abide by my truths and you’re living a lie.  I can’t habituate in two places at once.  It’s one place or the other; it’s black or white, no gray.  The cycle of verbal abuse is being put to death in my life.  I’m trying to change and grow; I can’t stay in the cycle of verbal abuse and spin with you because you don’t like what I’ve had to say to each of you. 

Addicts couldn’t hang out and stay with other addicts and change and grow, so I had to withdraw from all of you as I was learning to lay this cycle down.  I was an addict to the cycle of verbal abuse, just like you still are.  I’m no longer addicted to the cycle of verbal abuse because I’ve killed its spirit in me.  I no longer wish to run my life by these stupid rules of conduct and behaviors.  These rules are only acceptable to you, and you need to realize that I don’t accept them any longer as truth to conduct my life by.  I don’t accept any of these lies anymore.  They’re no longer my truths, they’re your lies that you’re hiding behind so you don’t get hurt.  I’m going to speak what my voice has to say rather you like it or not.

I don’t need rules of conduct to govern my life.  I don’t need the doctrine of the cycle of verbal abuse that you so blindly embrace.  I don’t intend to uphold the “silent code” and “privacy code.”  My gut tells me how to govern my life.  My emotions, my heart, guide my path.  Your emotions, your heart, is your spiritual side, and it will guide you through your life because His DNA is imprinted on our hearts.  Your mind, your intellect, is your soul.  My heart leads me not my intellect.  I’m a heart lead woman and always have been, so I’ll remain right where I am and continue working at the breaking of the habits and patterns that cause me to participate in the cycle of verbal abuse, because it’s what my heart is telling me to do. 

I’m diligently working at the breaking of these habits and patterns that I posses.  I’ve labored hard and I’ve labored long to rid myself of the negative patterns and behaviors that ruled my life.  I had to say goodbye to this cycle and say, “You’re no longer good for me so now I must leave.”  Pain, hurt, worry and distress was all that existed in my relationships until I did this one thing for myself.  Aren’t you tired of being stuck in your pain, hurt, worry and distress?  Go ahead and stand behind these dumb rules and doctrines then, and keep asking yourself why you feel so incomplete and half baked.

I just had to find my peace of mind so I chose to leave this silliness behind.  Cycle-cycle, victim, abuser; abuser, victim is all that I’ve done in any of my relationships for my whole life.  I was always trying to force others correct conduct to be brought forth so they would be what I needed them to be for me so I didn’t have to grow or change while trying to make my environment feel in control.  It was easier to stay and hide from the truth about myself behind my wall of fear, until I dared to step out from behind my wall of fear that I was hiding behind and face myself. 

Abuser then victim, victim then abuser; I hurt you, you hurt me, I hurt you and you hurt me.  Pointing our finger of blame toward each other while shouting at each other’s name as we each return the same to one another’s name, is all I ever did before I got out from behind my wall of fear, guilt and shame.

Together, I would gather and call myself a friend not realizing that I was having relationships with others who were sharing these same lies, while not ever realizing that they too were desensitized from their childhood traumas and the fact that they kept stuffing their pain, resentments, grudges and offenses.  I kept gathering together with others who suffered from their own childhood bad starts not ever realizing that I entered into relationships with people that were already desensitized to the feeling of pain for having stuffed their pain repeatedly, and for believing in all the rules we had been taught to uphold at any cost. 

Fathers, husbands, brother’s, wife’s, Mothers, sisters, children and friends, gathering together calling ourselves loving and kind.  Yet, we continued to spin in the cycle of verbal abuse together that only caused more hurt and pain to each other’s hearts.  I and you kept playing our parts, exactly the way that each one of us had been taught from our starts.  No more anger, hurt or worry should be spread around.  Let’s all stand still so we can be found.  Stand still, breathe and turn around and simply stop.  Can you hear my hearts voice and do you finally understand what happened to all of us?

Anger, fear, hurt, worry and loneliness are the steps to the cycle of verbal abuse.  Five steps that was, for me, like a large platform to live my life from and react out of.  Anger, fear, hurt, worry and loneliness is not a great emotional platform to base our emotional wellbeing from, now is it?  I didn’t want to stay there together with all of you and have some more fun, so I ran to hide until I could stand on my own two feet and learn how to lay this insanity down.  Anger, fear, hurt, worry and loneliness are not good emotions or a good thermometer to gauge your emotional wellbeing from.  All you’re doing is keeping the pain you feel stuffed down deep within your heart, while keeping yourself sick of heart. 

With every new event that brought you the feeling of pain, first you minimize the event and then you stuff your anger and pain or you explode your anger from the pain you’re feeling.  You’re standing in a pile of crap, okay.  You’re standing in anger, fear, hurt, worry, and loneliness all the time instead, and I didn’t care to stand there with you anymore. 

What do you think your next reaction is going to be from these steps from which you leap and react from?  No wonder you’re all “first responders.”  You feel with your emotions.  Your emotions guide you.  Your heart and emotions are synonymous.  Your heart and emotions are synonymous and is the spiritual side of you.  Your emotions are your heart and it’s with your heart that you make a spiritual connection with the Creator.  Why are you asking correct conducts and codes of ethics to be your guide through life, instead?  Consult your heart to guide you in your life’s decisions, not the rules of conduct you’ve embraced to live your life from. 

Your heart’s the cornerstone from which to build your life, not rules of conduct to keep you in line so you do all things right so others will gaze upon you and think that you have the perfect life as you’re dying inside.  Anyone feeling good out there or are you sick to death of feeling sick of heart?  Don’t you understand that your heart will guide you through your decisions and choices that you make in your life?  He gave you that heart to be your guide, His DNA is imprinted upon our hearts not our intellect.  Rules and regulations can’t guide you through your life but your heart will.  Listen to your heart and follow its beat.

Right and wrong is personal choice.  Right and wrong is personal knowing.  Right and wrong are lessons to be taught and learned.  Your heart teaches you right from wrong.  Rules to live by don’t teach you right from wrong, they don’t teach you shit.  Your heart will do that for you, you don’t need rules to keep you in your place; your heart will tell you what’s right and what’s wrong.  Rules to live by don’t keep you from doing right or wrong.  We were given free will so we could learn to fly and soar and experience life so that we can learn the way.  We were told to experience our lives.

Free will is not a hindrance as you’ve been taught.  Free will has been spoken about like it’s a burden to be dealt with, like it’s our free will that keeps getting us into trouble.  Free will is not a burden to be endured it was a gift given, to exercise in our life, so that we could follow our hearts leading.  Free will was given to us so we could live our lives as our hearts lead us through our life’s path to find our way through life.  Our hearts will teach us right from wrong.  Free will is not a curse to be bore by us.  Listen to your heart and follow it’s beat, it will lead the way.  Having free will is not a burden to be tamed, it’s a freedom given to live and feel your life because the price was already paid. 

You’re reacting to others from the horrible feeling of pain you’ve been left to feel all the time because you’re holding onto grudges and resentments instead of letting the pain of your grudges and resentments back out through journaling it away.  I’ll tell you where your pain hides out since you’re so numb; it’s buried in your heart.  Your heart is cold and dark because you’ve lived your life by conduct rules and regulations through the “code of silence” and the “privacy code.”  Your heart feels empty and void and you feel nothing but angry, lonely and miserable because these codes are what you’re following instead of your heart. 

You won’t let true loves start come in, you can’t it’s too risky.  It could cost you too much is what you think, because you’re afraid of being hurt.  It’s unrealistic of you to think you’ll never get hurt by others.  You can’t control others.  Others can hurt you unknowingly or intentionally and there’s nothing you can do to stop them.  You don’t have that kind of control over others. 

It’s time to sweep out your dark hearts and let the Sun back in.  Aren’t you dying from drought?  Don’t you hate your life enough yet to get out of these destructive patterns and behaviors and the destruction and ashes it’s brought to your life, and walk away from your childhood bad start?  Aren’t you thirsty?  Drink up, go ahead and drink up.  Put your heart in motion, for goodness sake.  Wake up.  I’m so afraid I’ll never see your hearts smile again.  Please come home to yourselves.

I’ve hit you with the paddles of wisdom developed about twelve times already.  Are any of you awake yet?  Clear.  Clear.  I don’t care what you think of me, I’ve grown and changed while you’ve been deep asleep in your slumber while feeling numb and desensitized from your head down to your toes.  You’re the ones sitting in this crap not me, I woke the heck up.  I’ve grown and changed and swam away from your river of denial.  I accepted the truth about myself and what I kept doing to cause myself to feel so half baked and incomplete.

I ran like hell out of my river of denial.  I ran to the other side of the river and I found the refreshing I’ve always been searching for.  I decided to stop participating in the cycle of verbal abuse and I’m doing my part to be a part of the cure and I feel light and fluffy for crying out loud.  I put my gunny sack of taking care of others emotional wellbeing down, and I picked up my own bag of crap and went to work on my own feelings and grew and changed, while all of you have been frozen in time since your childhood trauma occurred.  I’ve watched you for years and years as you’ve all slept.  My heart is breaking for all of you because I can see all your pain that’s held within your eyes.  Please wake up, please, I love you so.  I can’t take much more seeing you all so hurt and broken so please wake up.

I’ve gained the knowledge to change and grow over the years and I’ve made a difference in my life.  Please follow my lead.  I hated the inheritance this cycle brought my life.  I’ve changed my name.  My new name is Mary Moon.  The moon is the dimmer light, it reflects the Sun.  The moon directs the tide of life.  Don’t you want refreshing in your soul?  Aren’t you sick of your heavy heart?

When I found myself on any one of the steps of anger, fear, hurt, worry, or loneliness, from which I calculated all my decisions, choices, and behaviors toward others conduct toward me, I found that I would leap to blame and rise up and play my part in the cycle of verbal abuse.  I would push that other person back with the words I would speak trying to keep that person at bay from hurting me because I was already hurt enough.  I felt nothing but pain and loneliness for this futile exercise.  I would condemn and censure another with great agility for having spoken something or having done something that I didn’t like.  I would leap to blame as soon as I felt offended as I’d participate in the cycle of verbal abuse.

I was always standing in anger, fear, hurt, worry, or loneliness and I would leap to blame and start censuring the heck out of you for having crossed my so called boundary and my privacy, if you said of did something that I didn’t like.  I had to control your conduct because it’s what I was taught.  I would leap from my emotions of anger, fear, hurt, worry or loneliness, which are the steps to leap from and blame, and I would rise up in my heart toward the person who I thought had made me feel offended.  Living a life standing in nothing but anger, fear, hurt, worry, and loneliness makes you become a “first responder.” 

What you did or said came against my so called privacy boundary.  The “silent code” and the “privacy code” was my wall of protection I hid behind too.  It was you who would become responsible for my feelings that I felt that were evoked from my emotions of anger, fear, hurt, worry or loneliness.  Blame became the return reaction brought back to you because you just crossed the rules of conduct with me.  I needed to engage with you to set you straight and get you back into your proper place, after you said or did something that I didn’t like.  This, after all, was the terms of war fare and the rules of battle in interpersonal relationships. 

If we would all just stop reacting to others spoken words and deeds we would be free of wars, but let’s get the wars out of our interpersonal relationships first.  Stop pushing back and stop trying to control the behaviors of others.  Stop trying to make them responsible for how you feel.  “Be angry and sin not.”  Feel your emotions and acknowledge your feeling of pain that is evoked from the emotions of anger, fear, hurt, worry or loneliness. 

If someone confronts you with their words as they speak their feelings or opinions and you find what they’ve said or done offensive then you’ll feel the anger rise up in you.  It’s up to you to learn what you really need to do with the feeling of pain that’s brought forth from your God given emotions of anger, fear, hurt, worry and loneliness that evokes in you the feeling of pain.  Get responsible for yourselves and take ownership of your emotions, your heart.  Take the responsibility that’s yours, and own what you’re all doing on some level. 

Shut up, stand still and feel your feelings and acknowledge your God given emotions.  Don’t react to what was spoken or done.  Be angry and do not react is the meaning of the phrase, “Be angry and sin not.”  The idea is to stop cycling with the other person.  Do not react to what’s spoken or done to you and stop participating in the cycle of verbal abuse, instead identify what you’re feeling and deal with your feelings. 

At times, you could have passive anger which you stuff and it comes out later all over the top of someone’s head that it doesn’t belong, or at times, you have aggressive anger which you let spew immediately or very soon after the offense, over the top of someone’s head that it doesn’t belong, as you try like hell to control your environment and the people in it.  You either take an aggressive approach with your anger, or better yet the subtle passive approach you like to use. 

You choose your words wisely, as you attempt to subdue them with the words you speak trying to manipulate them back behind your so called boundary line that they just crossed.  You’re trying like heck to emotionally blackmail their butts back into the place that you’ve established for them to maintain for you, which is to take care of your emotional wellbeing so you feel safe within the relationship.  You know, that place of making others be responsible for how you feel. 

If they would just behave and stop breaking out of the codes of conduct that are the rules to live your life by, you wouldn’t have to act this way now would you?  It’s their fault you feel so bad and unhappy all the time, right?  No it’s not.  It’s your own damn fault you feel the way you do.  You point the finger of blame because you think their behavior or conduct was appalling and you vowed no one would ever be allowed to hurt you again. 

Stop participating in the cycle of verbal abuse and take ownership of the condition of your hearts and what you’re doing within your relationships.  You’re reacting, after someone has done something to you or spoken words to you that you didn’t like because you’re standing in constant stuffed pain, and it’s overflowing out of your mouth and your appalling behaviors.  It’s not what was just spoken to you; it’s you who has the anger, fear, hurt, worry or loneliness that you’re standing in.  You’ve built this foundation to stand upon.

When you leap from one of these emotions you begin to spin like a top, trying to control all the people who have gone out from under your control over them.  They’ve stepped out of their established job that you gave to them of taking care of your emotional wellbeing, haven’t they?  It’s not their job to take care of your emotional wellbeing, it’s yours.  How about you doing the work it will take to grow and change.  No, that would take work on your part and it’s easier to control others behaviors or deeds than it is to identify that you’re angry and to feel the feeling of pain and do the work to resolve your feelings.

You think that it’s actually less work to control the others in your life with your manipulative words and deeds.  Who’s it easier for?  I guess that would be you.  Stop and do the work that’s yours to do and stop handing it to someone else to do for you as you demand of them to keep the relationship in tact so you don’t have to face your insecurities, inadequacies, poor self worth and poor self esteem.  Own who you are, for crying out loud, and do something about it.

You can’t even live with yourself you feel so numb and desensitized from the feeling of pain after having stuffed it for a lifetime.  You’re feeling like this all the time because you won’t let go of the pain you’ve stuffed for your whole life.  You won’t let it back out.  You’d rather stuff the pain and act out on your anger and claim foul on their part.  Don’t hold onto your pain, feel it.  Feel it, shut up and identify the emotion of anger and the feeling of pain then release the pain you think they just brought.  Either you need to get over your anger, or journal out the pain, but stop stuffing your pain.  Feel the pain, breath the air.  Wake up.  Wake up.  Clear.  Clear. 

When someone speaks to you what they have to say or they do again what you’ve asked them not to do or they do something you find unbecoming and you don’t like it, you jump to blame, instead.  Blame is your first response, your first reaction.  Blaming others for the way you feel becomes the force that catapults you onto participating in the cycle of verbal abuse.

When I was angry by what someone said or did, when I felt fearful, when I felt hurt, when I felt worried or when I was feeling lonely and someone said something that evoked my pain or did something I asked them not to do, then I would enter into the cycle of verbal abuse from those emotions I was already standing in because I was blaming them for the offense I just felt.  I was always on one of those emotional steps and usually I was on all of them like one huge platform. 

When I was on any one of these steps, I would immediately jump from one of them and move into blame and point my finger back at you instead, for causing me to feel offended.  And like a wild fire out of control here I came speaking my condemnation of you for breaking the rules of conduct everyone should know that was to be maintained at any cost, because the rules of conduct proclaim that you have no right to express your thoughts, opinions or any of your emotions to me, as I proclaimed you guilty as charged for making me feel offended and censuring the hell out of you for having evoked my anger in the first place.  You were going to get it; this shit was going to stop and right now.  No more crossing my boundaries, by God. 

I was in this dreadful cycle with all of my relationships.  These were familiar emotions and habitual behaviors and patterns that have hung over my head since I was a child.  It was I who allowed these emotions to plague my life.  I allowed them to stay because they were my only life skills.  They were the only skills allowed while I embraced the “secret silent code” and “privacy code” where no one was allowed to speak their mind or their emotions freely.  I was using all of the tools I could muster from within, and I would jump into the cycle of verbal abuse because it was my behavior pattern to react to what was done or spoken to me that made me feel offended.

I could sling my reactive words at others, with the best of them.  I was usually an aggressive kind of responder, just ask the boys I grew up with that got a shin kick from hell if they offended me.  But I knew my passive approach to putting others back into babysitting my emotional wellbeing, as well.  I went to my bag of tricks and used emotional blackmail to subdue them back into taking care of my emotional wellbeing for me, when I had to.  I would tell them how what they had just spoken was a misjudgment on their part and the conclusion they had drawn was a mistake.  They would ask of me to just be quite and listen but I would tell them that I had a right to express my feelings too, not just them, as I jumped to my platform of blame because they offended me by what they had spoken.  Both these approaches were designed to control that person and get them back under the codes of conduct we were supposed to be living our lives from, everyone knew the rules.

I pushed them back into their proper place of caring for my emotional wellbeing, as I tried to make them feel guilt and shame for what they had accused me of doing, as though they had not perceived the situation correctly and had misjudged my intent when they confronted me with wrongdoing.  Denial is a wonderful thing.  I always ripped at others with my words and deeds, or I would use passive emotional blackmail as I withdrew my feelings of love for them, while trying to make them feel bad enough for what they were doing, so they would stop and get back into their place within our interpersonal relationship, for my sake so I’d feel internally balanced.

Here I come you better look out, I’ve found fault in you for having the audacity to speak your emotions, opinions and thoughts.  I would express my disappointment in you.  I would make a misjudgment about what was just spoken or done that caused me to feel offended.  I would condemn whoever I thought had brought that offense by what they said or did.  They were, after all, not demonstrating to me, their job of taking care of my emotional wellbeing.  I would condemn them for not being sensitive enough of me, if they spoke their mind or any of their emotions.  It was my way to let them know of my disapproval and reproach for what they had said I was doing. 

It was a form of control and it brought them back into their proper alignment, and that made me feel much better.  I felt more balanced when they were back in their proper place within the relationship of taking care of my feelings for me.  It kept me from being accountable for my own emotional wellbeing and it kept them in a void of silence.

That’s the only result I ever got, and it’s the reason I gave this cycle up.  I stood up and walked out of the destruction of my life that was left from my childhood bad start and I walked away from the ashes that I wore like a shroud.  I let myself sit for the whole of my life and stay in this behavior, until I got the hell out of Dodge.  I swam out of my river of denial about the condition I allowed my heart to become as fast as I could, and it was a long swim for me to face all these truths about myself, it took me a year and a half to find the truth about myself.  But I made it out of the river of denial and now I’m bringing all my truths to you so you can find your way out of your rivers of denial because I love all of you.

THE LAST MIRACLE MILE

Written by:  Mary Moon

Pages 74 - 86

Let go of your pain from the past experiences in your life and your held onto grudges and resentments that has brought this much pain to you.  You’ve embraced every pain you’ve ever been given since your childhood bad start.  You’ve taken in the pain from others spoken words, actions and deeds that ever hurt you, for the rest of your life.  You stuffed every event that caused you offense that has ever come your way, but later that unresolved offense is going to come back out and usually on someone’s head that doesn’t deserve it.  Your heart is so full of the pain you’ve been lugging around, that it’s about to bust.  Get rid of it, journal that pain away; puke it out for crying out loud.  Stop doing this to yourself.  Clear.  Clear.

I was guilty of doing all of these things to others.  I saw this in myself first and I admitted these things about myself, to myself, and it’s how I can see it in you.  This was my pattern of communicating in all my interpersonal relationships, and it was my pattern of behavior for the whole of my life, until I realized that my hearts enormous pain was threatening the life it belonged too; mine. 

Let go of the pain that’s in your heart from past grudges and resentments as you journal it out, but before you can do that you have to acknowledge the truth about the condition your hearts in, then take ownership of the condition of your heart and do something about your pain by letting go of past hurts, grudges and resentments so you can find your fresh start. 

You’re the owner of that heart, what is it that you’ve allowed to come in and never to be let back out?  If you’re looking for change in your life then awaken yourself from your lies.  Stop doing the same thing over and over and expect to get a different result, that’s the definition of insanity.  To repeat these behavior patterns of communicating with others in your life, and expect a different result other than the pain it brings, is insane.  You’re stuck in a circle of pain when you act this way and you’re murdering your relationships. 

How many years have you been using these skills?  Are you happy or do you feel absolutely insane, lonely and miserable?  How are your interpersonal relationships?  Are they intimate the way you want them to be?  No, so wake the hell up.  It’s time to wake up.  Come out of your slumber and admit to yourself that you were traumatized as a child, and that you’ve stuffed all your pain from grudges and resentments held since your childhood.  By stuffing unspoken pain you’re bringing the offense that you feel, when they speak to you what you don’t like.  You’re stuck in a circle of pain that you do to yourself.  Stop doing the same thing over and over and expect a different result.  It’s your behavior that’s bringing this pain into your life.

Of this pattern and habitual behaviors I had to let go.  I’m the owner of my heart and should have been right from my start.  I had to stop this behavior in my relationships; it brought me nothing but pain.  We who are guilty of this pattern of communicating, that’s me and you, must forgive and let go of our past grudges and resentments in order to gain victory over our need to control the heart and mind of another.  You have to let go of your stuffed pain and hurt, to find your fresh start. 

We all change roles from victim to abuser but it’s time to refuse to join in this game.  It’s time to take our stand together and say, “I must stop acting the same.” 

It’s not passive aggressive as you’ve been told.  It’s the cycle of verbal abuse.  It’s Father to daughter, Mother to child and it goes around enough to make us all wild.  Stay out, stay away, you may not return; my heart is now mending, and I can see my own cycle finding its end.

To bring forth an ending to cycling in my relationships, I had to stay away from confusing strife.  I ran and hid myself refusing to speak, while trying to stop this dreadful cycle in my life.  I ran and hid while refusing to speak, as I was learning how to lay my patterns of behaviors down at my Best Friends feet.  I learned that stuffing your pain and holding onto resentments and grudges leads you to blame others for the condition of your heart and it keeps you unaccountable for your choices. 

Of this bad cycle, I had to let go.  I had to let go of the pain in my heart, in order to stop participating in this vicious circle of pain I kept bringing into my own life, so I withdrew myself from everyone and I ran to be alone so I could scroll and find the reasons why my life was still so tattered and torn.  I just had to let my new stockpile of pain from grudges and resentments held back out, that I had gathered back up after I puked out the pain from my childhood bad start.  The cycle kept spinning and it was time for me to get back off the merry go round that felt like a top.  For the whole of my life I would just spin always doing my part to create an illusion that was like an empty stew pot.

I was instead tattered, torn, lonely and miserable of heart.  Together I spun, always doing my part.  I was acting as though all the beds were made but there were no sheets on.  My relationships were full of emptiness and void.  I acted instead like there was nothing wrong.  I was busy living an illusion; it’s not what I’ve got.  I felt broken and incomplete all the days of my life. 

You too are not complete until you take the time to sit at your Best Friend’s feet.  Otherwise you’ll get no satisfaction in your life; it will be empty for you from morning to night.  To spin in the cycle of verbal abuse only shatters the heart.  It has always done that to another’s heart, right from its start.

I can hear some of you saying, “I will not break this chain of behavior, this so called cycle of verbal abuse, this dysfunctional way of communicating.”  You’ll stand in your river of denial and say to me, “That isn’t why I’m not happy.”  You’ll think instead that the words I’ve already spoken are intrusive and that I’ve barged my way past your privacy.  You’ll want to scream back at me, “Don’t speak to me of things that only you’re guilty of; I didn’t say that you could speak to me.”  You’ll want to shout, “My right to privacy is to stay intact and you’re to remain silent; you’re not to barge your way through and into my life.” 

You’re behaving like this because you’ve built a wall around yourself that you’re hiding behind to keep others out so they can’t hurt you.  It’s a form of control that you’re using to keep others at bay from hurting you.  It’s your lame attempt to stop others from having the ability to hurt you.  You hide behind the wall that you call your personal privacy, that you’ve erected around yourself, in your attempt to keep others from ever hurting you again, and that’s why you feel such void in your interpersonal relationships.     

You’ve embraced a “secret code of silence” that you’ve been taught is never to be breached.  No one is allowed to speak their opinions, thoughts or any of their emotions to another; we’re instead to walk around maintaining a safe atmosphere and stuff our opinions and thoughts like we were blind, deaf, and dumb.  We’re to take heed not to ever hurt another’s feelings, it is the rule. 

The “code of silence” comes with the cycle of verbal abuse.  You believe in this “secret silent code,” where everyone is to live in silence and not speak their mind.  You bought into this lie just like I did.  We all did.  You were taught that we’re to stay silent about the things of the heart and not speak how we feel, and this rule must stay intact.  You were not to share the matters of your heart with anyone.  You were not allowed a voice within the relationship.

How do you expect to have intimacy in your interpersonal relationships when you won’t share the matters of your heart by allowing others to express their opinions and thoughts or any of their emotions?  The “secret code of silence” comes with the cycle of verbal abuse and you were taught that no one is to know about the private things of the heart and that the private things of the heart were never to be spoken.  Your heart is your emotions and you were taught that you have no right to speak your emotions to anyone to tell them how you feel.  You were taught to control yourselves and all of your emotions less you ran amuck.  Don’t share secrets of the heart and don’t ever speak your emotions, was the unspoken message that was given to us because of the “secret silent code.” 

This unspoken rule became a “code of silence” that was designed to preserve and maintain the environment we were living in, by not allowing anyone their right to a voice to speak their opinions, thoughts or emotions.  This unspoken rule was designed to maintain the cycle of verbal abuse.  It became a form of control so no one could step out of line and mess the whole system up. 

It’s emotional blackmail that was used to keep us all silent without the right to use our voice to tell someone how we felt.  We were all taught that that we were to stop the offender in their tracts if they ever broke this stupid code.  With this rule in place and kept intact under the “code of silence” no one had to change and grow and no one had to be accountable for their behaviors and actions while hiding behind this stupid “secret code of silence” where no one was allowed to speak their opinions, thoughts or any of their emotions.

We’ve all been taught that if only everyone would play their established part and not speak about the matters of the heart by speaking their opinions, thoughts or any of their emotions to each other or anyone outside of our family unit that this system will work and we’d all stay intact emotionally.  Do you feel intact emotionally?  Guess it doesn’t work after all. 

The “code of silence,” that was unspoken but none the same the rule that no one was to cross over, came with and is a necessary part of the system of the cycle of verbal abuse.  This “secret code” was put into place to preserve the privacy of the bad behaviors of the others in our life.  It was the unspoken rule that was never to be breached.  No one operating within this system was allowed to speak their mind and give voice to their emotions to tell another when what they did hurt them. 

The “secret code of silence” was put into place and this code is what caused the atmosphere of confusion and strife that we were forced to live in, as we were forced to act like we were born dumb, deaf and blind.  The “secret code” was established in order to keep the secrets of the events that took place in our lives as private as possible.  The “silent code” was established so we would never tell anyone what was happening in our lives.  We were not allowed to tell anyone about the things that were being spilled out upon each of our heads.  We were not to share the events, behaviors or actions that were taking place in our lives with our own family members or anyone; it was the unspoken rule. 

What stupid secrets were we supposed to be keeping by not being allowed to speak our opinions, thoughts and emotions?  Do you realize that we were being asked to keep the secrets that brought us the shame, fear, guilt, pain and hurt that we we’re still feeling and walking our lives in?  Instead, we were forced to keep all the sick secrets and we were to maintain the “silent code” at any cost.  You and I were the cost.  You and I were the cost.

What a bunch of crap.  May the walls of this “secret silent code,” tumble down.  This code is a part of the system of the cycle of verbal abuse and we bought into this system, hook, line and sinker.  We were forced to become a part of the “code of silence,” it was an unspoken rule to maintain and no one was allowed to speak their emotions, opinions or thoughts and we were told that the family’s privacy was to be maintained as we were forced to keep the secrets that were in our interpersonal  relationships quiet.

Some of you will feel angry with me and think that I’ve barged my way across this well known silent unspoken rule, because I am speaking my opinions, thoughts and emotions and you’ll wish I would shut up and not speak anything to you.  You’ll want to scream back at me instead, “Don’t barge your way across my privacy.” 

Privacy boundary I’m breaking through, my ass.  You built a wall around your heart like a castle with a draw bridge and a mote to keep others from having the ability to enter your life and have the ability to speak anything to you that could hurt you.  There’s a wall that you erected for yourself that you’re hiding behind every day of your life.  It’s been erected by you to keep out others words and deeds that could bring your heart any pain.

You’ll accuse me of not understanding the definition of boundaries and privacy, instead.  You can’t admit to yourself that you’ve bought into a dysfunctional system of communication that was taught to you by your family of origin.  You bought into and you believe in this “code of silence,” where no one is allowed to speak their mind.  You accepted the rule that this code brought, and you’ve lived your entire life by its rule, and you’ll call it privacy maintained instead.  I can no longer buy any of these lies. 

It was like you were handed these silent unspoken rules of the “code of silence” and “privacy code” that was to be kept and never broken, as though you didn’t have a brain.  It was introduced to us like if we wanted our life to have any control in it at all; these codes had to be maintained at any cost.  You and I are the cost.  You bought into these lies that we had the ability to control others with a “secret silent code” and a “privacy code.”  What a crock of crap.  You’ll want to scream back at me and say, “I didn’t say you could speak to me, how rude you are.”  You’ll want to say to me, “When are you ever going to understand about privacy and boundaries?” 

These aren’t boundaries and privacy issues between us, it’s a “code of silence” and a “privacy code” that bring a barrier that you’ve embraced and are choosing to continue to live behind, that you constructed to live your life from, because you bought into these stupid codes of conduct. 

We did this because we thought that by living by these codes of conduct we would feel in control of our lives.  These codes were a way to feel more internally balanced.  Do you still feel internally balanced?  No. 

I don’t believe in these ridiculous codes anymore; they brought me nothing but emptiness and loneliness.  How are you feeling?  Are you feeling emotionally balanced after building your life on such a stupid codes of conduct to be maintain at any cost, or are you sick of being heart sick, lonely and miserable? 

You’ll want to scream at me, “Don’t you understand about boundaries and privacy?”  It’s not me.  I’m not the idiot you keep calling me.  You’re feeling this way about me because you’ve been made to believe in the “secret silent code” and “privacy code” that all our families established for us to abide by and conduct ourselves in the proper way, so that no one would have the ability to speak their thoughts, opinions or emotions to you lest you felt hurt by what was said. 

You’ll feel enraged at me that I’ve come at you with the words I’ve been speaking to you and the whole of mankind, and you’ll want to scream at me, “Don’t barge your way across these well known rules,” keep your opinions, thoughts and emotions to yourself.” 

It’s the “code of silence” that’s being labeled as personal boundaries.  A “code of science” has become your personal boundary, in an attempt to keep others from speaking to you and crossing over with the ability to say or do anything to you that could bring you pain.  Abiding by the “secret code of silence” is an imperative behavior expected from all family members in every household.

The “privacy code” is nothing more than a code of proper conduct and ethics to be maintain by us that was given to us so we’d have the ability to control others, and make it difficult for them to fall out of line and speak their mind.  That’s what these codes were designed to become.  The “privacy code” is nothing but a conduct code of proper ethics to be maintained at any cost, and these codes are expected to be upheld by everyone in order to feel in control of our lives.  Do you still feel internally balanced?  No.  What does that say to you?  Do you think that you have the ability to control the others in your life so what they have to say can’t hurt you?  Do you really think you have that kind of control?   

Your feelings and the reaction you’re having for what I’ve spoken so far, should at this very moment, prove to you just how strong you believe in this crap.  Can you even believe that you’ve unknowingly established these rules for yourself and have unknowingly built your life around nothing but codes, proper ethics and proper conduct expected from everyone in your life to be maintained that were designed to control you and everyone else in your interpersonal relationships from speaking their emotions, thoughts or opinions?  Are any of you ever going to wake up to the truth of what I speak?  Clear.  Clear.

I know these codes are hard to look at and to accept them for what they really are, but it’s time for you to see them for what they are.  It pissed me off to see I had believed in this crap and it was my belief in them that kept me blinded to the truth about the cycle of verbal abuse.  It pissed me off to learn that upholding these codes were the reasons I always felt so incomplete and half baked.  It was my belief in these codes that kept me sick of heart and had stopped me from growing and changing the way I so desired.  These codes upheld, bind and constrict your growth. 

Are you angry because I’ve dared to step out of a system and speak my anger and my mind?  If you’re angry, right now, then you’re still embracing these codes because you’re afraid to grow and change.  Your accountability is absolutely deafening.  I don’t buy these lies any more.  These codes to be upheld at any cost kept me a prisoner for the whole of my life.  I was never anything but lonely and afraid as I was forced to live in my silence. 

The cycle of verbal abuse is a stew pot of crap and you’re all still sitting in the stew pot.  It’s an empty stew pot.  It’s an illusion, all the beds are made but there are no sheets on.  Don’t you feel dead and empty inside enough to listen to the truth of what I’m saying?  I’m telling you, these codes are an illusion.  The beds are made but there are no sheets on.  There is no substance within any of your interpersonal relationships is there? 

I know this style of communicating and cycling among ourselves in this fashion is dysfunctional; I’ve had the awaking of my life.  This system, this form, this structure, this way of communicating with each other is nothing more than an illusion, and was in everyone’s home.  Every one of us were introduced into the cycle of verbal abuse by the generations before us, and it’s been going on since the beginning of time itself from every generation as it was passed forth to us.

Passive and aggressive homes bought into this system of communicating among themselves in interpersonal relationships.  We’ve babbled among ourselves since the beginning of time.  Hum?  Don’t we sound like we’re all babbling?  Hum?  Don’t we sound like a bunch of clanging cymbals?  Hum? 

Isn’t it the hardest thing to try and relate to someone without feeling torn apart when you use your voice to speak your opinions, thoughts and emotions as the other person sulks or reacts to you with their words?  Isn’t it amazing what a confounded race we’ve become?  Hum?  Isn’t it difficult to reach the intimacy that we all want to see within our interpersonal relationships?  Don’t we all sound like we all babble amongst ourselves as we try our best to connect but yet we don’t?  Hum?

I have no doubt in my mind about how dysfunctional my life had become because of the crap I was told to believe in for my life, and how the rules I was to maintain would make me feel happy about myself.  These rules never made me happy.  These rules of conduct, which is all they are, only brought my heart misery and made me lonely and fearful.  I know these rules are bogus, dysfunctional and worthless to the soul.  These codes are a bunch of shit, so throw them out and run for your lives.

Your reaction that you’ll want to give back to me for breaking this so called right to privacy, is a way for you to control me from speaking and breaking the well established rules you’re so busy working at to maintain, so you don’t have to grow and change.  What you’ve really done is learn to take control over your atmosphere and the people in it so you can’t get hurt by them.  That’s much easier isn’t it? 

Go ahead, stay there and tread water and drown in your rivers of denial then.  Just keep living by these rules of conduct and behaviors for the rest of your life.  You all look like a bunch of robots walking through life.  I hope you’ll be happy.  Not me.  I was miserable while trying to conduct my life from such a stupid set of rules to live by.  I wasn’t happy; I became miserable and sick of heart in the end.  The “silent code” and the “privacy code” was established and were put into place, in the first place, out of the need to control our environment and the people in it so they couldn’t bring us harm. 

You’ll be compelled to speak harsh things to my face that will be designed only to turn me back and put me into my proper place for having used my voice to expose such dreadful lies.  You’re hiding behind your wall of fear that this system has brought you.  Hiding behind your fears has kept you from enjoying your life through growing and changing.  Go ahead and sit there paralyzed and numb to your very core.  Turn on me instead; that’s what’s to be done, after all, to the one who tries to break out of the rules of conduct you believe in.  I believe in giving all your emotions the expression they deserve, as you’re feeling them; I’m just not allowed to; it’s considered wrong by you if I do.

I don’t believe in this insane system any longer.  I’ve realized that I can govern my own life, thank you.  I don’t need these stupid rules of conduct to guide me or govern me or govern my behavior and thoughts.  I don’t need you to tell me of the conduct you think I’m breaking and breaching.  I’m not breaching anything when I speak my anger, opinions and thoughts.  It’s you who’s hiding behind these unspoken rules of conduct, not me.  Pushing me into my proper place will be the reaction you were trained to give to the one who dares to try and cross these crazy codes of conducts that we’re all supposed to stay behind.  It’s not your personal privacy and personal boundaries I’m crossing. 

I’ve tore down the walls of lies that you’re hiding behind.  I gave up these stupid rules and codes; I don’t abide by them and I won’t ever allow them to govern my life again.  I found them to be ridiculous, distorted, binding and constrictive.  The cycle of verbal abuse and all the rules and regulations that come with it, is what we were all expected to abide by to keep this dysfunctional system intact.  I changed my damn mind.

Forget what you’ve unknowingly been told and wake the hell up.  Are you happy?  Is your life happy living by these rules of conduct and behaviors that you’re wearing?  Wouldn’t you rather participate in your life and feel your lives?  The only reason you believe in this stupid crap, in the first place, is because we were taught, as kids, that we’re not allowed to speak our thoughts, opinions or any of our emotions. 

We were taught to shut up and sit our butts down, or maybe it went this way, “Children are to be seen and not heard.”  Now that’s a message we can all identify with, isn’t it?  I believe it was called “back talk” in my home when we tried to use our voice, and if we dared to try we were shamed and quilted for trying to speak our thoughts, opinions and emotions, and were forced back into our silence. 

It was the dysfunctional rule in our families; it was like there was a secret rule where no one was allowed to talk.  It was as though we weren’t allowed to share our emotions and tell each other what we were feeling; it wasn’t allowed.  You couldn’t express any of your opinions, thoughts or emotions to one another.  We all walked around like we had been muzzled.  The only thing we were sometimes allowed to do was act out our emotions, that was allowed.  We were always able to sense how the other people in our lives were feeling, while we ignored how we were feeling as we acted out those feelings.  We became proficient about how others were feeling.   

Then in some families you could express some of your emotions as long as they were certain emotions, but if you tried to express your anger and did it too often then you were definitely squelched.  You were never allowed to become too emotional, especially if the emotion you were trying to express was the emotion of anger.  You were considered too emotional if you were angry too often, and you were shamed and quilted if you tried to express the emotion of anger too often, and labeled as being too emotional.  You were cautioned to control yourself better than you were obviously able to do as you were shamed and put back into your proper place.  The only emotions being allowed were the ones that we felt, which were usually the emotions of guilt, shame, fear, worry, loneliness and anger.  Passive and aggressive households bought into the cycle of verbal abuse, this form of communicating, and all of these unspoken rules of conduct were to be upheld. 

It’s not your privacy that I’m trying to break through; I’m not intruding upon you and crossing a personal boundary.  There’s a “secret silent code” and a “privacy code” that you’ve been taught to live your life from that you keep hiding behind so that you don’t have to look too deep inside and see the truth about yourself and change.  You’d rather walk in conduct becoming so you won’t have to do the work it takes to change and grow.  The silence of your accountability is deafening, absolutely deafening.

You’re abiding by an unspoken “secret code of silence” and a “privacy code” that has caused you to put up a wall around your hearts that you can hide behind to keep others out and keep them at bay from hurting your feelings.  The cycle of verbal abuse is all about control.  Your need to control others conduct goes out in front of you and can be felt by others, and you’re worried to death what others will think if your life isn’t picture perfect.  You’re always trying to keep others in their proper place, less they break all the rules you feel safe and sound behind so your environment won’t spin out of control.  You’ve put a wall up around your hearts to hide from others so what they have a right to say and what needs to be said to you doesn’t have the ability to get spoken to you, because you don’t want what they choose to say or do to get in and penetrate your heart so you’ll never get hurt by someone again. 

This wall is kept intact and is never down and this wall is maintained at any cost by you.  You’re the cost.  You’re the cost.  You keep these stupid rules to abide by, because it was what you were all taught.  Monkey see, monkey do, it was taught to me and you.  You’ve all embraced these stupid rules because it was the only way you knew how to survive your life. 

The walls you’re hiding behind are the “secret code of silence” and the “privacy code.”  Fear keeps you behind these walls.  You were taught to fear if you dared to speak your opinions, thoughts and any of your emotions, as you were put back into your place with guilt and shame if you did.  You were taught to hide yourself behind the “secret code of silence” and the “privacy code” where you would be safer.  We were all taught to hide ourselves behind these codes and we were taught that we’d be safe behind them because everyone knew not to cross over and speak something that might hurt our feelings.  These established codes that you’re still choosing to hide behind, is what’s kept the cycle of verbal abuse hiding in the dark. 

To view it as breaking protocol or breaking rank or not comprehending what privacy and boundaries mean, is a lie you and I told our hearts.  Standing behind these codes is like a wall of protection out in front of you, because they were designed to uphold the system in order to keep others out so they could never hurt us by what they said or did.  It’s a form of control.  It’s all about control.  These codes are nothing but a form of control.  Do you really want to be controlled or would you rather feel your life again? 

These codes that you’re choosing to believe in and have lived your life from have to come down in your life, in order to bring this great lie about the cycle of verbal abuse to the light of truth. 

The “code of silence” and the “privacy code” that you’ve built around your life was something you established for yourself to have the ability to hide from others words and deeds so you couldn’t get hurt by others ever again.  Is it working or are you still getting hurt by others?  What does that tell you?  Do you really think you can control others words and deeds?  The only thing you can control is yourself, but instead you hide behind these codes and they’re your shield so no one is given the opportunity to evoke emotions in you that you don’t care to deal with.  Hello, you’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you? 

These codes must be abandoned before you can grow and change.  You’ll have to admit to yourself that you believe in these codes of conduct, first, before you’ll have ability to abandon these beliefs in order to grow and change.  You’ll have to see them for what they are and admit to yourself that you’re embracing these rules before you can ever lay them down.  You can’t lay down what you don’t think you’re holding.  They’ll both have to be laid down, before you can even hear the truth of what I speak.  How can the truth of the cycle of verbal abuse ever reach the heart of a person with walls like that to hide behind? 

Privacy maintained at all cost, is a lie you’re abiding by that became a code to live by.  A code of conduct that you willingly embrace, a silent secret unspoken code of conduct is what you’ve chosen to embrace for the whole of your life.  We were taught that we must abide by these codes because it was the rule.  We’re not to speak our anger out and we’re not to speak our minds, opinions, thoughts or any of our God given emotions.  Instead we are to live in a deep dark void.  

THE LAST MIRACLE MILE

Written by:  Mary Moon

Pages 61 - 74

Wake up and feel your life and make some room for love to come in.  Lay down your abusive hearts.  Can’t you feel your hearts pain?  Can’t you identify the pain you’re feeling?  Can’t you realize how lonely you feel and don’t you at least wonder why you feel so lonely and miserable all the time?  Are you guilty of trying to control the emotions, behaviors, thoughts or actions of another person so you’ll feel better?  Aren’t you trying to make another person not hurt your feelings by what they do or say? 

Do you say, “I don’t believe in revisiting the pain from your past?”  That’s fear.  Stop rationalizing your belief and get out from behind your wall of fear, it’s not safe back there; you’re miserable.  Come out and face your past where this all came in upon your head.  Sweep it all out and cleanse your hearts.  Face the fear.  If you want life, then wake the hell up and actively do something to change and grow.  Clear.  Clear.

Are you trying to control a person so they don’t dare to speak their mind?  Are you guilty of trying to make another person act the way you’d rather they act instead of allowing their personality to be real?  Is there a forum in which you allow others to speak their opinion and thoughts without you getting offended within your relationships?  Is it because you need these people to be for you what you need them to be so you’ll feel safe in the relationship, and that’s why you feel the need to control their personality?  Are you trying to make others be responsible for your emotional well being while refusing to grow and change?  Don’t you want to change and grow?  Don’t you want to fly and soar?

Are your words designed to control another’s thoughts or actions so you can control your environment so it feels safe as you back them down from speaking to you what you don’t like?  Are you trying to control your atmosphere and the people in it with the words you return to them or better yet with the behavior of not speaking to them at all when you feel they just offended you?  Ask yourself why you’re so easily offended?  Are you blaming others for the way you always feel?  Is it others fault you feel the way you do? 

Is your true intent behind the behavior of clamming up or the reaction in the words you speak, designed to blame them for the fact that you’re feeling offended and it’s their fault that you are?  Have you even stopped to feel before you react?  Are the words you speak designed to back them down and into their proper place for you so your emotions feel balanced and so your stress level is released within the interpersonal relationship as you make them responsible for your emotional wellbeing?

Sometimes you may hold on to that emotion of anger and not speak just yet.  You’re actually taking the time to mull your anger over in your mind, but when you decide to speak your anger because you blame them for the offense you felt they just gave to you, you’ll come charging like a bull at the one you felt offended you and then you’ll call your reactive emotion of anger your feelings that you have a right to express.  Your emotion of anger is not your feelings.  The pain you’re trying to ignore is the feeling that was evoked from your emotion of anger.  Take the time to admit to yourself you were offended and that your emotion of anger has been evoked and now you’re feeling pain.  Identify what you’re feeling.    

It could be two days later or twenty minutes later before you let them know of your disapproval of them for not taking better care of your feelings.  A few days later, your disapproval will come out of your slower reaction to what was said or done, but more likely it’s an instantaneous reaction because you think they just offended you, and now they’re going to get what they deserve; the blame.  They didn’t just offend you.  You were offended because of what you were thinking. 

You’ve misjudged the situation and it’s you who wants to either give an immediate first response or a time delayed response because you’re blaming them for what you took offense too and you’re blaming them for not taking better care of your feelings.  You’re blaming them for what you think they just made you feel.  You feel what you think.  No one has that kind of control over you.  It’s you who has control of your thoughts and feelings.    

It reads, “Be angry and sin not” which means you’re being instructed that you’re to feel the emotion of anger and recognize the anger and feel the pain that came with it but do not enter into the cycle of verbal abuse and react out of your emotion of anger.  Don’t return fire to what was spoken or done.  Be angry and sin not.  It’s like a riddle.  You’re being exhorted to acknowledge the emotion of anger and to feel the pain, but not react to what was just said or done and enter the cycle of verbal abuse. 

The person speaking their opinions to you has a right to use their voice, even though what they have to say may be offensive to you, that person still has the right to speak to you even in an angry tone.  You’re being exhorted not to react to what was just spoken or done to you, but to instead acknowledge the fact that you’re angry.  Be angry and sin not.  You’re being told to acknowledge the anger and to feel the pain it brought, but not react and enter into the cycle of verbal abuse.  That phrase is like an instruction manual to success in interpersonal relationships. 

Rather it’s an instantaneous reaction to what was said or done, or a time delayed reaction, your anger eventually gets the better of you and you decide that they deserve what you’re about to say or do to them, because you’ve become a reactor for refusing to feel your pain and give it the proper expression that it deserves.  Instead you’re reacting to your emotion of anger, even with a time delay, as you stew over your anger. 

Shut your mouth and learn not to react.  Be angry and sin not.  Acknowledge the anger and feel the pain that came with it but don’t engage because it’s you who starts the cycle spinning through your reaction to what was said or done.  I’m not trying to be rude when I tell you to shut up; you really do need to shut up in order to stop reacting.

Every single one of you are being robbed of a love that’s tender and true and it pisses me off.  It pisses me off knowing the anguish that you’re choosing to endure.  I’m so frustrated with all of you that I could scream.  I love all of you so very much but I’m so damn frustrated with you guys that I’m about to use the “F” word that you don’t like.  I’ll use it I swear I will, if you don’t all wake the hell up and get out of your rivers of denial about your childhood bad starts and face the truth of the condition you’ve let your hearts get in. 

Fire truck, fire truck, fire truck; there, now I feel better.  Like I said, cuss words can help you express your fears, anger and frustrations.

Anger can spur you on.  Anger is a natural emotion that is to be felt and has a right to expression, but the person who’s hearing the anger spoken by another, as they address the issue at hand is to stop reacting to what’s spoken.  I have a right to my opinions and thoughts and I have a right to confront you with your wrongdoing, and you as the recipient are not to react to what I have to say to you, especially when what you’re doing is wrong.     

We’ve been taught that “Be angry and sin not” means that we’re sinners for even feeling the emotion of anger as though it’s a sin to feel angry and if we feel angry we should feel ashamed.  We’ve been taught that to give the emotion of anger a voice is a sin.  Think about that, does that make sense?  But because we’ve been taught that to feel angry is a sin everyone tries their best to stuff their anger instead, and you’re all going to die from heart disease.  I’m not going to stuff my anger I feel at you for what you’re doing to yourselves.  Not anymore.  You’re going to hear me when I shout.  Stuffing or raging your anger will give you heart disease. 

Anger is a natural emotion and serves several useful functions.  Anger is an emotion that’s allowed expression.  It’s a God given emotion, given for our good and I’m going to use my voice and confront you with you wrongdoing rather you like it or not.  You’re not going to force me to continue to live in a damn void like a person who is blind to what’s happening and make me pretend like I‘m deaf and can’t hear what you’re doing as you try to force me to be a mute. 

The emotion of anger helps to excite and allows you to strongly express your mind.  I’m doing it right now.  Anger allows the expression of your fears.  I fear I’ll never see you smile again.  Anger energizes the body so it can move quickly for protection but the way most people use anger is to use it as a form of aggression that’s designed to keep others from putting stress on them because they’re blaming the other for not taking better care of their feelings.  It’s not my job to take care of your feelings, and not say things to you that could hurt your feelings; it’s your job to take care of how what I say or do makes you feel. 

Then some people use anger to cover their feelings of hurt, being ignored, feeling out of control, or feeling fearful of others, especially if they were taught that anger’s an emotion they aren’t ever allowed to feel or express and to do so is a sin.  This belief about anger forces you and the other person in your relationship to stuff anger, and I’m sick to death of stuffing my anger.  People, who believe anger is an unbecoming emotion that is to be controlled instead, are forcing others to not have the freedom to speak their anger and are forcing the other person in the relationship to stuff their voice instead. 

You’re giving the other person no alternative but to act their anger out, and then you’re mad when they do and call it an unbecoming behavior in them that you wish they could better control.  I’m sick of all of you forcing me to act out my anger because you don’t allow me a forum in which to speak my anger because you think anger is an unattractive character trait and then you accuse me of being so unattractive.  It pisses me off that you keep doing this to me. 

When you’re in a relationship where you don’t believe in a forum in which to give expression of the emotion of anger, because you believe it to be unbecoming, because you feel it’s an emotion that should be controlled by the other person, you’re not allowing them to use their voice to confront you or speak their opinions to you, you’re forcing that person to stuff their anger and act it out instead because you haven’t allowed a free flowing forum in which to deal with the emotion of anger.  Then you label me with names, like I’m unbecoming! 

You’ve been taught that you’re to turn your anger inward because of your belief about the emotion of anger.  You think it’s a sin to even be angry let alone give it expression, and if someone gives their anger expression they should feel ashamed.  You’re actually more comfortable in the relationship and look upon this display of the emotion of anger, as a more acceptable way to express anger as you force me and others to stuff it instead as I’m pushed by you into such frustration from the lack of the forum in which to speak my anger that I’m forced to acting it out because I’m so damn frustrated.  You’d rather I keep my anger in a void place, instead, because it keeps you safe from hearing the anger that needs to be expressed from me. 

Grow the hell up.  You’re trying to force everyone’s hand and you make them stuff their anger and act it out because you don’t like anger in the first place and find it very unbecoming in others as you tell them that they don’t have the ability to control their emotions.  What a crock of crap you believe about the emotion of anger. 

You believe that anger isn’t allowed to be felt let alone given expression, and if a person dares to express their anger with you they should feel guilty and ashamed for doing so.  It’s very difficult for a person to speak their anger or any other God given emotion and exercise their right to a voice instead of stuffing their emotions down, when they fear your retribution or fear that you’re going to sulk and clam up if they do confront you with their anger or any other emotion, and that’s the plan, isn’t it, so you feel safe in the relationship and no one can hurt your feelings.  

A person who’s afraid to give no one the right to speak their emotions and who believes no one has the right to have the freedom to express their voice within the relationship, actually fells more comfortable when the other person within the relationship is acting out their anger toward them.  They’re not to have anger in the first place, right?  These types of people think it’s a sin to be angry and that the other person’s anger is an unbecoming trait and displeasing so they want this emotion to be brought under control at any cost, instead.  Your relationship is the cost.  You are the cost. 

You and they are the cost and so your relationships the cost when you’re using emotional blackmail trying to get them to stop using their voice to give expression to any of their emotions, as you make it clear to them just how much you wish they knew how to control their emotion of anger better than they do, while you make it virtually impossible for them to use the freedom to use their voice when they’re angry. 

All of your emotions and even the emotion of anger are allowed to be given words of expression.  You should not stuff or rage your anger; you’ll die from heart disease.  You don’t even realize that you believe anger is not allowed to be felt or expressed; all you know is that you detest the emotion of anger and find it very unbecoming in others when they do express their anger.  Can you recognize your belief about the emotion of anger?  Can you see the way that you think and believe about the emotion of anger?   

Unless you take the time to learn how to deal with the emotion of anger, you’ll just keep stuffing that anger and you’ll keep forcing the other person in the relationship, with you, to do the same because there is no forum within the relationship to bother with a futile exercise to give a voice of their anger to you.  While you keep your emotions of anger stuffed, because you find anger such an unbecoming trait, you’ll kill yourself and the relationship.  Stuffing your anger will cause you to die from heart disease.  Being forced to scream or act out your anger will also give you heart disease and you’ll die from a heart disease or a heart attack. 

Screaming and yelling your anger or stuffing your anger trying to suppress yourself will break down your immune system and cause you heart disease or a heart attack.  Stuffing your anger or raging your anger brings many other diseases in your body that can kill you, as you break down your immune system. 

May your guiding light be strong.

Don’t deny that you do this.  You know that’s what you’re doing.  Stop hiding from yourself.  You’re hiding from yourself behind the mask of your words while trying to make others act the way you want so you can feel better.  You’re doing this so you can stand behind your wall of fear and ask them to make you feel safe in the relationship, instead of taking control of your emotional wellbeing.  This behavior keeps you from being accountable for your own emotional wellbeing, as you push them out into their void and the inability to confront you with their anger. 

You need to admit to yourself that you’re hiding behind your wall of fear afraid to address your past hurts, grudges and resentments.  The fear isn’t real.  You’re trying to control your environment and the people in it so your world doesn’t spin out of control on you, out of your fears.  The reactive words you’re speaking to others, because you think that person just caused you to be offended, are filled with your intent to blame them and control your environment so it won’t spin out of control on you, as you try desperately to control their anger from being spoken to you. 

Aren’t you really just wishing that they would act the way you think they should and gain control over their emotion of anger and never give it a voice because you detest their anger?  Aren’t you actually wishing that they would suppress their anger and act the way they should so that you would feel better, and that would make things easier for you if they would just keep their anger to themselves?  Is it because your mind and heart is blaming them for the way your heart feels when they address you with their anger?  

Are you busy reacting to the emotion of anger?  Are you a “first responder?”  Are you calling the emotion of anger, that you’re experiencing, your feelings that deserve the right to be expressed after you’ve felt offended by that person because they’ve dared to confront you with their anger?  Do you feel that you have the right to express your anger in reaction to their anger and are you calling your anger your feelings which have a right to be spoken to set the record straight if they dare to confront you with their anger?    

The anger is the emotion that is evoked after someone has spoken something to you that you found offensive, and the pain is the feeling you’re ignoring, after your anger has been evoked.  You’re demanding of the other person, as you react out of your emotion of anger that has just been invoked, the right to express the reaction of your anger and calling it your right to give expression to your feelings.  You want to spill the reaction of your anger upon the heads of others, because you find their anger unbecoming as they dared to confront you.   You’re feeling offended and hurt by what they said or did, so it’s time to spew out your reactive anger.  Now you figure it’s time to blame, right?  They’ve just hurt you again with their expression of anger so you feel that you have a right to speak your anger back, after all they just hurt you and made you feel angry, hurt and offended, right?

Be angry and sin not.  Stop calling your reactive anger the right to express your feelings.  Your anger is not your feelings, anger is the emotion that was just evoked because you were offended by what they just said or did.  You want to express your reactive anger and are calling it your feelings that you have a right to exchange with words given back to them for the words they just spoke to you that you found so damn offensive, because of your past grudges, resentments and held onto grudges.

You’re misjudging that person and the current situation.  It’s not them, it’s you.  It’s totally you.  It’s all about you and what you do.  You need a total eclipse of the heart.  Pain is the feeling that you can’t identify or feel and anger is the emotion from which the feeling of pain came. 

Stop calling your reactive anger your feelings and act as though you have the right to express your reactive anger because you don’t like what has just been spoken or done to you.  Instead, you need to grow some emotional muscles and take care of your heart.  Take care of your emotional wellbeing.  Don’t spew your reactive anger out and call that reactive anger your feelings.  Anger is an emotion that evoked the pain you’re refusing to feel as you take offense to the words or actions of the other.  The pain is the feeling that you can’t identify because you’re a “first responder” and you blame them for the way they just made you feel.  The emotion of anger is not your feelings.  Stop calling your reactive anger your feelings that you have a right to express.

Can you even admit to acting like this in your interpersonal relationships?  Can you admit to pointing the finger of blame at others by clamming up or spewing your anger?  Can you admit that their words or actions evoke your emotion of anger and that you’re offended and find them to be offensive?  Do you feel that if they would just act the way they should, through keeping their emotions stuffed, that you’d feel safe in the relationship? 

Do you try your very best to convince them to do what you want them to do and not do what is their right to do, which is exercising their right to speak their anger or any of their God given emotions?  Why do you think we have these emotions?  Were they given to us so we could neatly put them in a bag and wear them on our belt?  Were they given as a design accessory to never be taken out of their wrapping?  Were they a gift never to be opened but saved for when we leave this earth?  Is that when we finally get to open our gift of emotions?  Do you really expect others to always be able to stuff their emotions and never have a right to give them expression? 

That’s why your relationships are so void and unfulfilling, you idiots.  You don’t allow the gift of our emotions to be used to tell each other when we feel hurt, angry, lonely, fearful or worried.  To have the ability to share our hearts brings us closer to one another and then we would know how to meet the needs within the relationship. 

Do you wish that people would just cooperate for your sake, and then you would feel safer in the relationship?  Get honest with yourself.  Do you detest the emotion of anger and believe that it should be better controlled?  Are you trying to persuade the heart of another to not express their right to speak to you when they’re angry?  Are you trying to control another person with emotional blackmail to get them to stop expressing their anger in words, by clamming up and feeling hurt or giving your retribution to them if they do express their anger?  Are you more comfortable when they act their anger out?  Could it be that you’re trying to make them make you feel better so you’ll feel more comfortable in your own skin because of the way you feel about the emotion of anger?  Are you hiding from the truth about yourself?  

Give up your need to control the other person thinking your world will feel better.  It’s not working for you is it?  No.  And the others in your life are sick to death of you trying to control them by your words and deeds and emotional blackmail of your retribution or rejection, so get honest with yourself and ask yourself if you’re guilty of behaving in these patterns that come with the cycle of verbal abuse.  Ask yourself if you’re guilty of using these skills.  They come with the cycle of verbal abuse so how could you not be? 

Take a good long look at yourselves because you’re doing this out of the need to control their behaviors, actions and deeds so your emotions will feel happier, out of the wrong belief about the emotion of anger.  You’re trying to make them do the work you should do for yourself.  You’re asking them to make you feel balanced in and of yourself by keeping their God given right to the expression of all their emotions to themselves. 

It’s you whose feeling offended from what they say or do.  Stop and ask yourself why you feel so offended?  They can’t carry for you what they don’t feel.  It’s you who’s feeling the emotion of reactive anger and it’s you who have been offended because they dared to speak their voice to you, and it’s because of your held onto grudges and resentments that you have buried in your heart throughout your lifetime.  Deal with all of your held onto grudges and resentments from your past that you’ve held for all the others in your life because it’s out of your past resentments and grudges for all the others who have offended you in your past that you’re reacting.  It’s your pain and anger so deal with it and take care of your own emotional wellbeing.  It’s not their pain it’s yours.  Journal it out, and then your internal environment will feel balanced and you’ll feel at home with yourself. 

How will you ever be able to give in a relationship and feel connected to another, if others can’t tell you what hurts them or what makes them feel good, or if they can’t tell you how they’re feeling?  How do you purpose to gain the intimacy in your relationships that you so desire, when you don’t allow others to tell you when their worried, fearful, hurt, lonely or angry?  Intimacy is achieved by having the freedom to express your emotions, your heart.  Sharing your emotions with the one you hold dear, brings forth intimacy.   

The silence of your accountability is deafening and it’s become easier for you to control the behaviors of others, you’re completely skilled at the doing of that.  It’s backwards.  We’re to take care of our own emotional wellbeing, not have it done for us by someone else.  You shouldn’t force another to walk around on egg shells in your presence, feeling fearful to confront you with their anger or any of their other God given emotions.  You’re not allowing them to give expression to you of their emotions so you’ll have the ability to gain the intimacy you both want to be felt within the relationship.  Instead you’re stifling them to death and bringing ruin to your relationships. 

We’re to take care of our own emotional wellbeing.  No, you’d rather run around in this muck, instead of doing the work it would take to change and grow.  Wake your lazy asses up and feel for crying out loud and identify what you’re doing.  You truly believe that if you can keep control over your atmosphere and the people in it, then you’ll feel in control and feel balanced in your own skin so you make it their job to maintain a good feeling for you around the atmosphere you live in.

You sit in wait and pounce on them if they evoke a feeling that you don’t like, as you return your sulk and silence or your retribution when they dare to speak their emotions to you.  You push them back into the proper place of what you consider their job to maintain your emotional wellbeing for you, instead, as you unknowingly ask them to maintain a good feeling for you within the relationship.  You make them walk around on egg shells trying to prevent you from reacting to their words and their right to a voice.  They’re afraid to speak once you’ve done this behavior with them long enough and that’s the idea.  You’ve taught them they’re to take care of your emotional wellbeing for you with this futile exercise. 

Either you blow up if they give voice to their anger or any of their emotions to tell you how they feel, or you clam up and withdraw from them if they’ve given voice to any of their emotions, leaving a void in the middle of the room if they dared to give their emotions a voice of expression.  Both of these tricks are nothing more than an exercise to make them stop giving voice to their emotions so you’ll feel more comfortable in the relationship, and it’s nothing more than emotional blackmail.  You’re being aloof and indifferent about your accountability.  It’s become their accountability to stay in their given spot and take care of your emotional wellbeing, and their being taught, by you, that they’re to be careful not to touch you where they should not.  You think by doing this it will make you feel more balanced, as you use this emotional blackmail to subdue the others in your life.  It’s become your pattern for relating with another person and it’s been your pattern for life.

You’re trying to control others because of your childhood offenses that you experienced that made you feel out of control and because of all the other unresolved offenses you’ve felt throughout your lifetime.  Wasn’t that the most out of body experience you’ve ever had the day you were traumatized?  Well, that’s when you decided you needed to take control of your environment and the people in it so you could maybe stop the world from spinning. 

Break away from trying to control everyone and everything.  Come fly and soar with me, and take the time to change and grow.  Turn around, this behavior isn’t working for you; you’re miserable.  You can’t control people and what happens in your life.  Stop, it’s insane to think you can maneuver the world and everyone in it into place in order to feel safe in the relationship.  Instead, dare to ask yourself if you’re guilty of the need to control the other person and why you need to do this.   Ask yourself why you need to control others and your circumstances.  The answer to the truths about yourself lies within.  Look inside yourself and get honest with the fact you need to control, in order to feel in control. 

Get in touch with what you’re doing so you can stop doing it.  Watch yourself and take the time to identify and recognize when you’re doing this.  Pay attention to yourself and feel.  Listen to yourself and feel what you’re experiencing when you’re trying to maneuver every one into their proper place you think they should be in.  Wake the hell up.  Clear.  Clear.

Instead, you teach the other people in your life that they’re to keep their proper place and stay where they belong in your life, as you request of them to walk around like they’re dumb deaf and blind, unless they want to feel the guilt and shame you’ll throw their way for having not. 

If they step out of bounds and try to change and grow, it brings you a tilt in your world and you’ll speak your narrow opinions and words to them, in an attempt to maneuver them and put them back into the spot they should stay for your sake.  That’s emotional blackmail.  Do you really think this develops an intimate relationship?  It doesn’t so stop kidding yourself.  

Their change and growth, and their right to exercise their voice within the relationship, makes you feel uncomfortable in your own skin.  Their change and growth pushes against your comfort zone.  You would really prefer to stay in your comfort zone; it’s easier than growing and changing.  You’d rather hold on to these skills that are detrimental to you very wellbeing instead because that’s easier for you than to take responsibility for yourself. 

Knock it the hell off, you’re driving everyone around you crazy trying to control them and your environment.  Others can feel you trying to control them, and they hate the feeling of you trying to control them.  They hate that you have such a need to control your environment so you’ll feel safe and in control of your life.  You’re demanding that they love you by proxy.  It’s time for you to grow and change.   

Everything that I’ve just tried to point out to you is the cycle of verbal abuse.  Do you communicate with someone with these patterns and behaviors?  Are you spinning in the cycle of verbal abuse?  Do you even want to change?  If you do, then you need to realize that using these skills keeps you spinning like a top and keeps you stuck in a circle of pain.  You’re stuck right where you are, spinning like a top, until you admit you’re a participant in the cycle of verbal abuse and make a decision to lay it down and walk away. 

Your heart is becoming more abusive every day because of the insurmountable amount of pain you’re trying to carry around and keep stuffed down, so you don’t have to deal with it.  You’ve been there all your life, frozen like a pop cycle.  Instead you’re spinning like a top using these awful skills to communicate with others since your childhood bad start. 

Your heart was shut down; it was turned off from the event that traumatized you.  You were forced to pick up the cycle of verbal abuse and spin with everyone; it’s what you taught yourself you had to do because there was no forum in which to give expression to the one that hurt you.  You were forced, by them, to stuff the pain and you set up a pattern to blame others for the way you feel.

THE LAST MIRACLE MILE

Written by:  Mary Moon

Pages 50 - 61

I taught myself that I’m to do my best at all times to make everyone around me feel comfortable so their feelings wouldn’t be hurt.  I’ve learned to ignore myself and not speak out when I’m angry.  I’ve never allowed an open honest forum of communication to exist within my relationships, and I’ve never had the freedom given to me of such an open atmosphere, either.  I assigned myself the job to carry for others their lack of self esteem and poor self worth and to be careful not to hurt their feelings, as I became an enabler.  I enabled them to never have to take a look at themselves. 

I set this pattern for myself to live my life by because I didn’t know what to do with the pain that was brought as the final catastrophic event that shattered my heart, at eight years old, hit my life.  The final blow came when my “Beloved” decided to join in the pack, I was always afraid that he would come back.  With that one time single act it was he who traumatized me to the core with his decision to harm me along with the others who were already harming me.

A catastrophic event that devastated and traumatized you is how you too have arrived in the depraved state that your heart’s in, and it’s where you learned to carry other’s emotional wellbeing upon your back for them for the rest of your life, as you continue to help the people around you to ignore they’re insecurities and inadequacies and the fact that they have low self worth and a poor self esteem.  All you’re doing is helping them to stand in their apathy to face the truth about themselves.  You’ve become their best enabler, not to have to grow and change.

I’ve compensated for others lack of worth, lack of esteem, insecurities and inadequacies, so they didn’t feel uncomfortable with themselves, for the whole of my life, through holding my unspoken words in so I didn’t hurt their feelings; it was what I was taught to do and the reason I became so blue.  I carried the weight of what my offenders were obviously not capable of doing for themselves, or they wouldn’t look so damn depraved to me in the first place.  Do it for them was my solution, and then they don’t have to take a good look at themselves.  I felt so sorry for them.  I completely neglected my emotional wellbeing by doing that for them. 

I picked up the weight of the world.  It felt like I picked up the entire globe.  There I always was, just throwing everyone on my back trying to carry their emotional wellbeing for them as I ignored my emotional wellbeing while trying to hold my words in a void as I tried to spare them the feeling of being hurt if I was to confront them about their behaviors.  Shit, I became exhausted by the time I finally broke. 

Some of the people that I had relationships with, throughout my life, never even had to flex any emotional muscles for themselves; I did it for them.  My emotional physique looks like I’ve lifted weights all my life.  I’ve exercised my emotional muscles and am so strong that I’m fearful to others and I’m intimidating to others.  Guess so, I’ve been carrying others accountability for their low self esteem, poor self worth, their insecurities and inadequacies for them, since I was four.  Others feel my strength and it’s threatening to a weaker person of emotional strength for who you’ve been enabling to stay in their weakened state by not speaking to them what needs to be said so their feelings don’t get hurt. 

Some of the people who I had relationships with ever had to face their feelings of inadequacy, poor self esteem, poor self worth and insecurities.  I became a very strong enabler, so much so that no one had to bother to look inside because I always compensated for them instead by carrying their emotional wellbeing for them while ignoring my own.  They knew I had the strength to carry them through; as a matter of fact they were flipping counting on it.  Some of the people that I had relationships with, throughout my lifetime, never had to do anything to change and grow because I made it to damn comfortable for them to ignore themselves.  I became “Miss Congeniality.” 

As a child, I felt bad for my offenders, instead of feeling bad for me.  I bore their accountability.  The silence of their accountability was deafening.  I’ve carried others inadequacies, insecurities, low self worth and poor self esteem for them for the whole of my life, with everyone I had a personal relationship with, and with that act firmly in place I over loved all the others in my life as I loved them far too well to their own detriment out of fear to speak because I didn’t want to hurt their feelings.  Shit, all I really did was leave them weak of mind and unaccountable for themselves about their insecurities, inadequacies, lack of self worth and poor self esteem.  I allowed them to stand firmly in their apathy to change and grow. 

As children, you and I decided at the very moment of our trauma, that we’d have to become for others what we needed to be for their sake because people couldn’t be trusted to be for us what they needed to be.  Being what we needed to be for others made us feel better about ourselves, and that’s how we learned to take care of others emotional wellbeing in the first place while ignoring our own emotional wellbeing and it turn us into codependent people. 

We decided, as children, that if we bore the weight of others shortcomings, their poor self worth, their poor self esteem, inadequacies and insecurities, then we’d be able to keep everything orderly and in place and then our world wouldn’t feel so tilted all the time, and it made us feel better, but it also made us codependent people who needed other people to take care of so we’d feel better about ourselves. 

We all became the best enablers we knew how to be so our internal and external world felt safe and more balanced.  We started carrying for all the others in our life what they weren’t or couldn’t carry for themselves so that we’d feel in better control of our life because they never took the time to address their poor self esteem, poor self worth, inadequacies and insecurities, and while we did that for them, we never took care of our own inadequacies, insecurities, poor self image and poor self worth that we had. 

From the age of four, as the offenses began, is when I tried my best to take care of others feelings for them so that my world felt more balanced.  I carried, for others, what they needed to carry for themselves since I was four.  I thought, in my child’s mind, that if I could maneuver myself into being what they needed me to be for their sake, that it would make me and them feel better, and maybe they’d behave better in return. 

I maintain this behavior in all of my relationships throughout my lifetime as I took care of another’s feelings and made sure I didn’t say to do anything that would cause their feelings to be hurt, by not allowing or giving myself a voice to speak when they did something that caused me hurt, and I was always left feeling like hell for trying such a stupid thing.  I never gave myself the freedom to give voice to my feelings. 

To have the freedom to operate in an open forum where I was allowed a voice has never been mine, without the fear of their retribution or rejection if what I had to say to them could hurt their feelings or cause them to be angry with me, so I’ve spent a lifetime afraid to speak my opinions, thoughts, or any of my fears, hurts, worry or anger, out of fear of hurting their feelings, and out of the fear of their return behavior and words they would give back to me if I did speak my mind. 

I’m so damn frustrated with the others in my life who won’t allow me the freedom to speak my voice when I have something that I need to say.  They don’t have the ability to give me that freedom because they feel the need to set me straight.  When I speak of their wrongdoing it offends them instead because their hearts are so touchy.  I keep locking myself behind my fear to speak because of the fear I feel about their retribution if I do speak what’s on my mind.  I’m so sick of feeling afraid to use my voice for fear I’ll hurt their feelings if I told them how I’m feeling.  I’m so sick of being afraid to confront them with their wrongdoing because of their touchy hearts.  I’m so sick of being afraid to speak my mind because I know they’ll just get angry and will set me straight for speaking my mind, and my fear frustrates the hell out of me as I stuff what needs to be said by me, instead of taking care of my own emotional wellbeing. 

I find myself sparing their feelings and taking care of their emotional wellbeing while ignoring my own because of my fear to use my voice because I’m afraid of what their reaction will be as they feel offended by my words because of their touchy hearts, as they react to what I speak.

Even today, I still feel frustrated and fearful as I try to break this stupid habit of being afraid to speak what’s on my mind out of fear of hurting their feelings or out of fear of their reactions because of their touchy hearts.  But I’m trying to face my fear and I’m learning to speak my mind, in spite of the fact that they throw back their condemnation of me for doing so as they blame me for what that makes them feel.  They don’t even realize that they feel offended by my words because their hearts are so touchy as they react out of their offense they took to my words.  I’m trying my best to face my fears and speak when I need to speak instead of stuffing my feelings into a place of void waiting for the proper moment that what I have to say would be better received by them. 

I’m sick of feeling so frustrated to think that I have to wait for them to be in a better mood before I finally say what’s been bothering me.  I hate holding in what needs to be let go of.  It sickens me to be so stifled and afraid to speak what’s on my mind and heart and it pisses me off that I feel so forced into silence so I’d spare their feelings, instead.  But I’m trying my best to push through my fear to speak when I need to tell them of what they’re doing that hurts me.      

All I could see in all of my offender’s eyes was pain and hurt so I felt that if I could maneuver myself into being what they needed me to be for their sake, then we would all feel better and that’s how I let this fear enter my heart to not have the ability to speak what needs to be said by me.  I taught myself to be blind, deaf and mute because I kept ignoring my pain and minimizing what they were doing that hurt me as I became afraid to speak my mind out of fear of their retribution.  By taking care of and making sure I held onto my opinions, thoughts, fears, worry, anger and hurt, I believed that this could maybe stop the confusion and strife in my home from touching my heart.  I just knew to control my words so that they wouldn’t hurt another’s feelings, if I spoke out of turn, would make my environment a happier place to be, and then everyone would feel happier.   

I was so sad for them and their lack of self worth and self esteem.  I could see their depravity; I could sense their inadequacies and insecurities.  I was a child when this idea to stuff my pain was birthed out of my need to control the people and the environment that was damaging my heart.  I just knew that if I could manage this, it would make me feel better.  I just wanted it to all stop, so logically if I could control the behaviors, actions, and deeds of others by being everything they needed me to be for their sake, then I could control my environment and then I would feel better and so would they. 

That was my child’s philosophy and I lived it for life.  I thought that if I could control the people in my life by being all that I could be for them and if I would do what they wanted and needed from me for their sake, and never say anything that could hurt their feelings then they’d be happier and so would I.

I learned to blame others for the condition of my heart, because it was after all, their entire fault for the condition my heart was in.  Others were to blame for how I felt about myself, so as I grew if anyone hit and slapped my name with their words or deeds it was time to react to the offense it brought.  “First responder” on the way; hear I came, it’s time to blame.

See and recognize these things about yourself, and admit to yourself that you’re doing this too.  You’ve done the same thing I did for the whole of your life.  Would you all please wake up to the lies you picked up and carried into your life, and realize how you brought this stupid behavior into your life.  Stop hiding from yourselves behind your walls of fear and start taking care of your own emotional wellbeing instead of thinking others are to do that for you, for the sake of your feelings. 

This behavior is coming from the hurtful offenses from your childhood bad start because you felt you had to minimize the event and you stuffed your pain while refusing to feel it when others brought you an offense.  You’ve been reacting out of the offenses done to you at your childhood bad start and every other event in your life you chose to handle in this fashion, from that time forward.  You reacted to every event that hurt and offended you since your childhood, and you birthed in you a reaction behavior and a reaction pattern when you’re offended by others.  You’re a born reactor and are an addict to the cycle of verbal abuse, because it’s what you taught yourself to be.

Yes, you had a reaction to what happened to you as a child.  You became a “first responder” the minute the first event occurred that offended and hurt you so terribly, and now the behavior of a life time of reacting to what’s said or done to you, as you take offense, has brought the destruction and the ashes that you’re sitting in. 

The current event that you’re experiencing isn’t what’s making you feel offended while you’re busy blaming the other person for offending you.  No, it’s because that person just touched a sore spot in you by what they just said or did, and it’s because of your held onto grudges and resentments that you were offended.  You react because they hit your sore spot.  You lash out as fast as you know how because you were offended by what they said or did so you react and clam up and withdraw your love from them or you react to the offense you took and speak your words back to them, in order to get the point across that they’re not being careful not to hurt your feelings.

Be aware of who you really are, and get honest with yourself about who you are and what you’re doing in your relationships, and why you’re behaving this way.  Don’t come at another because they deserve what they’re about to get, they don’t deserve your scorn.  You’re actually reacting out of the offense done to you at your childhood trauma and all the other held onto grudges, resentments and offenses that you’ve never dealt with, because you learned to stuff it all down instead.  

Dare to take a look at yourself and see yourself for what you are; it’s time to get honest about who you are.  Are you a reactor?  Are you a “first responder?”  Are you blaming others for the way you always feel?  Do you find fault with them when you take offense to their words or deeds?  Do you react with words that want to argue the point or do you clam up and act hurt to the core as you get your point across that they just offended you? 

Are you cycling in verbal abuse in your relationships?  Do you want to stop reacting and break the cycle of this style of communication with others?  Then practice a time delay and take the time to feel your feelings and ask yourself some important questions first. 

Tame the beast that’s inside you that needs to react with your tone returned.  Tame “King Kong” and stop reacting from your emotion of anger and stop reacting to the offense you think they’ve just brought.  Stop and feel the pain and acknowledge the pain.  Stop reacting with words that are aimed at a person that you’re faulting for offending you, and stop returning your tone to them through your behaviors or argumentative words, to set the record straight. 

Stand still and admit to yourself that you’re offended by what was just spoken or done.  You’re offended because of other held onto offenses and resentments that you’ve not yet dealt with and now your heart is too touchy.  Acknowledge that you’re angry and feel the pain.  Learn to feel your feelings instead of acting out of the offense that you’ve taken, but aren’t acknowledging.

Cry about what just happened or journal and express your hearts pain, instead, and find the real source of what’s causing you to take offense from what they just spoke or did.  You’re offended that they spoke their mind and didn’t take care to not hurt your feelings.  Get out of your held onto grudges of past offenses and resentments so you can stop feeling offended every time someone says something that you find offensive or does something that you find offensive.  You’ve placed some extremely high standards on others to take care not to hurt your feelings, and because you have, you take offense way to quickly when they speak their mind or do something you don’t like.  Don’t aim your anger and pain at another with your reactive words and behaviors to set the record straight out of the offense you took; it’s childish behavior. 

Acknowledge what you’re doing, that’s a more adult behavior.  You’re taking offense that they hurt you because of your requirement of them to take care of your emotional wellbeing and not hurt your feelings.  Acknowledge that you’re angry and are offended, and aim your anger and pain at a blank sheet of paper and write about it.  Express your pain on paper, not at someone else who doesn’t deserve your censuring for having confronted you with their words or censuring them for behavior you find unbecoming in them.  Acknowledge to yourself that you’re doing this. 

Stop calling the anger you want to express, your feelings that you have a right to express.  Stop feeling that because you’re offended by what was just spoken or done, that you have the right to express the anger you just felt in return, and then call your anger your feelings that deserve a right to be spoken.  You’re not expressing your feelings, you’re throwing up your reactive emotion of anger on them for having said or done something to you that you didn’t like.  They didn’t take heed not to hurt your feelings and you’re blaming them for how you feel. 

First you were offended and your anger was evoked by what they said or did, and you didn’t take the time to realize you took offense to their words or actions.  You’re blaming them for making you angry and you’re blaming them for the pain that you’re not capable of identifying.  You don’t take the time to feel your feelings or listen to what has just been spoken because you were offended and need to set the record straight.  You want to blame them because you took offense to what was said or done because of your touchy heart.  But what you’re actually doing is ignoring your feelings and giving them your reactions, because of your past held onto grudges and resentments.

The emotion of anger that was just evoked in you is being ignored by you, and instead you’re taking offense of the person.  You’re so used to protecting yourself from the feeling of pain that you can’t hear what they just said or you’re so offended by their actions that you’re compelled to react and set them straight for not taking better care of your feelings.  Stop and identify that you’re angry and offended by what they said or did, and feel the pain that their words or behaviors just gave to you, and stop ignoring your feelings. 

Your pain is the feeling that you’re ignoring, and your reactive emotion of anger should be expressed on paper if you don’t know how to drop the issue at hand.  Stop trying to condemn them for their opinions and thoughts or from the expression of any of their emotions of hurt, anger, worry, loneliness, or fear.  The pain is the feeling that you’re ignoring, and instead you’re calling your emotion of anger your feelings that have a right to be expressed, after they said or did something you didn’t like.  Acknowledge to yourself that you’re emotion of anger was evoked and that you’re experiencing the feeling of pain.  Shut up, standstill, and identify what you’re feeling. 

Your feelings are the pain and it’s the emotion of anger that evoked that feeling of pain as you ignore your feelings and emotions.  Stand still and acknowledge to yourself that you’re angry and feel the pain.  You want to speak your reactive emotion of anger because you’re pissed, and you label your anger as your feelings as you attack that person with your chosen words they deserve to hear from you, or as you choose that ever so familiar behavior of withdrawing and clamming up instead.  You’re a “first responder” all the way.

Stop labeling your emotion of anger as expressing your feelings you have a right to express, after what just happened that you didn’t like.  Giving them your reactive emotion of anger is like projectile vomiting on the front of their shirt.  Identify that you’re angry and feel the pain and get rid of your feeling of pain in private if you don’t know how to handle the issue at hand, and stop acting so insane. 

Take the time to stand still and shut up and stop reacting to their words and identify what’s happening.  This is your feeling of pain and it’s your reactive emotion of anger, no one can make you feel, they don’t have that kind of control over you.  You feel what you think.  Yes, what they just said or what they just did probably did evoke your emotion of anger, but they’re not responsible for what you choose to feel because of what they just said or did. 

A person is allowed to express their hurt, worry, fears, anger, loneliness, and their opinions or thoughts and they should have the freedom within the relationship to do so without you reacting with your tone.  This freedom brings with it the intimacy you so desire to have within your interpersonal relationships, but instead you’re busy driving a stake into their heart with your reactive tone you feel compelled to give back to them instead.

Deal with the real source of the pain that you’re refusing to feel because you’re so numb and desensitized to the feeling of pain. You’ve spent a lifetime of holding onto grudges and resentments and you’re reacting out of them.  The anger that rises up is more that the current situation warrants.  That’s because your reaction is coming from held onto offenses, past grudges, and the resentments that you’ve been holding onto from the pattern you inducted yourself into since your childhood. 

Your childhood offenses are very deep offenses and have been there for years and years and you’ve never dealt with any of them because there was no forum in which to speak your voice, nor have you ever dealt with any other offense that came your way, and now you have compound fractures and are immediately offended. 

You’re hurt from all the events that offended you in your life and you’ve ignored all of them.  You’ve ignored all of you past offenses for so many years that now you can only find yourself acting out each time that sore spot is touched by someone.  You’ve gathered every other offense that has come your way throughout your lifetime, and all of that pain you’re trying to ignore just keeps getting stuffed as you react out of your anger and return your tone to them to get your point across. 

You haven’t laid anything down and put it to rest as you claim you have.   All of your reactions are coming out of all your stuffed offenses, grudges and resentments held that you’ve never taken the time to deal with, and when someone says something that you don’t like, it’s time to react and set the record straight because they’re not holding the position of being careful not to hurt your feelings.  You’re trying to force another to take better care of you as you sit in your apathy. 

You’re reacting each time someone touches that sore spot.  You became a reactor from the offense of your childhood trauma the minute it occurred.  The current anger and hurt isn’t the real issue that’s causing you to react to what’s just been spoken or done.  You’re finding that what they just said or did, offensive, and you’re taking it too personal because of held onto past offenses you’ve not yet dealt with.  You’re reacting from a very touchy heart that you’ve given to yourself because of the pattern that you developed of stuffing you’re pain down in your heart and refusing to feel it, instead of recognizing that you’re feeling pain. 

You’ve never bothered to deal with your pain for a lifetime now, instead you stuffed each and every new pain that came your way thereafter, down where the first lot of pain was sent, while holding it all captive and never giving it any more thought, and now you’re reacting to everyone around you every time your sore heart is touched by what others say or do that you find offensive. 

Not only did you ignore the initial cut, you’ve ignored your emotional wellbeing for the rest of your days.  You’ve got a compound fracture now because you’ve loaded a life time of even more pain down into your heart. You can’t feel the pain because you’re numb and desensitized to the feeling of pain because of your pattern of stuffing pain.  You don’t realize this is a behavior pattern you’re stuck in because you’ve become desensitized to the feeling of pain after having stuffed so much of it down to date.  A life pattern of stuffing pain and never giving that pain acknowledgment or expression has left you desensitized to the feeling of pain, and all you ever feel is angry as you react to what was just spoken or done.

Now you need shock paddles to revive your heart.  Clear.  Clear.  How many years of this pattern of refusing to feel pain have you got under your belt?  This pattern of behavior has left you in a coma and feeling numb and lonely.  I’m serious as hell.  You’re giving yourself heart disease and you’re going to die from a heart attack. 

Feel your pain and acknowledge that you were offended and that your emotion of anger was evoked by what was spoken or done.  Admit to yourself that this is what you’re doing.  You’re offended by what they said or did, and you know it.  First, take the time to acknowledge to yourself that you’re offended and your emotion of anger was evoked, and stop trying to defend your heart.  Feel your pain and journal your pain away, don’t return your tone.  Cry about the pain you just felt.  My God, wake up and feel.  It’s natural to feel.  Stand still and acknowledge your feelings.  Clear.  Clear. 

Before the first offense that hit your life in your childhood, you could feel all of your emotions, now you can’t even identify your emotions let alone acknowledge that you’re offended and angry by what someone just said or did.  Don’t be afraid of your emotions or the feelings that are evoked for crying out loud.  What you need to do is learn where to take your pain and hurt, but first you have to take the time to feel and acknowledge that you’re angry and take the time to feel your pain.  Stop refusing to feel the pain, like that’s helping.  Stop stuffing the pain and stop minimizing how you’re feeling.  My God, feel and look in a mirror at yourself.  Clear.  Clear. 

Open your ears and listen to your anger being spilled out on everyone else as you convince yourself that you have the right to do this and call it the right to give expression to your feelings.  Anger, is not what you’re feeling, the pain is the feeling brought from your emotion of anger, but yet you label your anger as your feelings that you have a right to express in return to what you didn’t like.  You’ve become a reactor.  You are a reactor as plain as the nose on your face.