I sit here and wonder what to Blog about today...what I should be thinking. Good thoughts-the one that I wish I could think all the time. What am I supposed to be thinking, a normal 18 year old teenager...boys, the newest  top 20 list on the music charts...the latest finds and deals. I don't, I stopped letting all of my friends influence what I do. What I think is what I think...I think that whatever I'm into-is my business...my music, my time. The things that influence me most are the people that are closest to me. I wonder what I should do to fix these things. A part of me...doesn't care-a part of me wonders why I should question my upbringing...and where I come from. Why do I wonder...if I didn't-would I really be complete in my nature as a human being? How is it that? Am I the only one that questions this? Am I the only one that really wonders why I go through this day in an day out?

Why would I change the way I am-to be someone that someone else wanted me to be? Why do I wonder what life would have been like without him? Everything I do...everything I see...it's him. I'm on the phone right now-and this person just mentioned 'Bouduar Noir', He goes there. Do you have any idea what it's like...to try and get over someone that's everywhere? When your together-it seems awosme that everywhere you look-they're there...but after the hordenous break-up...it's terrible. How can one person, single handedly, do that. Is that possible for someone to do? For now, I leave you with this: When do we erase the bad memories to make room for the new? How do we know when to stop questioning everything around us...and just be? I need answers...help me Blog God.

How do you KNOW when everythings going to be alright? That your going to pull through? What signs am I missing?? Are they the huge green ones on the interstate, or the little yellow ones warning you of a croswswalk in town? Some you pay attention to, some you know are there so you dont even look for them anymore. Are the signs that I need most passing me by? Do I ignore them as they pass? How can I fix this? What am I doing wrong?? Every relationship that I'm in-fails. I can't keep the bad ones, and I un-intentionally drive the good ones away. Life's too short to spend it with a bad person. It almost...ALMOST...ALMOST...makes me want to call up all my old boyfriends and ask them what I did wrong to make it fail, or what happened between us that just, didn't work out. I need to know how to fix things that I can change now, instead of later...after Im married to someone that I love and fuck it all up. What am I doing wrong to make all my relationships fail? What is it that makes me destined to be alone?? HELP!!

Did you ever do that ONE thing that you thought your family and close friends would HATE you for? Well I did it. To my surprise...I found the guts to tell my best friend, my mother, and my cousin. They weren't upset with me, but offered kind words of wisdom, clarity, advice. I've never felt so loved in my entire life. Not only had they all done the same thing that I had done, but they had done it better...which made me feel like a princess of sorts. I love them with everything that I have. It meant so much to me that I could just tell them and they would help me get through what I'm STILL going through. My emotional state right now is on the EdGe. One minute I'm FINE...and the next...it's SNAP and I'm going off-I'm feeling a little bi-polar. I know that I'm not...it's just that I've had alot to deal with and to quote my cousin, "It's in your job description, as a woman, to cry. You do not need a reason. For example: I was driving to work the other day and I heard a song and I just burst out into tears for no apparent reason. If you need to cry, just cry, let it go." That made me feel SO much better. Like right now...I feel like bawling my eyes out. I'm so emotional. I have so many OTHER things I could be worrying about...like my relationship that I'm ruining by being a prude. I miss him so much and the distance is KILLING me. 50 min drive, seems like California to me right now. I love you baby if your reading this...just know that I DO love you, yes I love you more. Ok fine you win. (for others it's an inside thing, ignore the last two sentences). In any case, thank you for reading the latest in my many adventures. For now I'll leave you with this: When is love enough? When is it okay, to just give it all away, how do you know that your there...and how do you take those first baby steps? When is it okay to just give in?

I have a very busy next month (Including the rest of this one...a whole day-whopee) December 13th I have a blood drive to attend, the misquitoes are THRILLED. December 18th is Brad and I' one month anniversary! Love you bebe!!! December 24 and 25 are kinda ovbious, if you live in a foreign country where you do not celebrate this holiday...GET OFF MY MYSPACE! Right now...or I'm telling. December 31st and January 1st, or more I dunno, I'll have to play that part by ear-Brad and I are going to Indy to party with Ryan and all his buds!! January 11th I think...mabye not...is the end of the grading period. NEW CLASSES!! This is all so exciting I KNOW! Ok so aisde from my non-stop schedule comming up, I'm still sick. Brad's comming up this weekend so I'm hoping that I'm better by then.

And his name is Brad! He's so awsome, he's 21, 6'2'', and for those who know me personally, you know that his height is a big deal lol. He's funny, smart, in college, a hard worker and a family man. Everything an girl like me needs...and I have it now. I'm SO happy. I look back now and I regret all those dates that I went on...but...in the end, they helped make me who I am today, so I say thank you to all the losers who have hurt me, made me cry and stepped on me to get where they are today-which...is however...without ME! Bradly and Jenny. I love you baby-cant wait until you get home...miss you already-Jen

Alright...so i'm tired of the same old shit everyday. I wake up, go to school, skip lunch, go to school again, then I have to pick up my brother then go to work. SSDD, SAME SHIT DIFFERENT DAY! I need a break from all of this. I need my mommy. I was told over the weekend, that I need to stop looking at the negitives of things. That is so true...but how can I find positive in my negitive world? I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired...I'm tired of low scummy men. I'm NOT having sex with you, get over yourself. I'm tired of being someone bitch. I'm tired of being tired. It's supposed to snow of Wedensday...8 inches...that's alt of fuckin snow. I almost got killed last winter...what's gunna happen this year??

and I'm listening to Frank Sinatra's Fly me to the moon, it's just being gay and wont search...FYI

I'm done. Finito. Finished. Through. I'm tired of wasting my fuckin time on dead end relationships. I want someone that's gunna treat me good, and not just want either sex or money. Because they're not getting either from me! I say, if you need your girl to take care of you, you a broke ass bitch and you need to get off your ass and support her! I want someone that's not 20 hours away (unless in the armed forced :):) ). I want someone that's not all about looks and who I can wear PJ's to go see them and it wont matter. I'm just really alone right now.

I'm tired of being shit on...all I do is drink anymore every weekend...most weeknights. I dont get drunk during the week but I get buzzed. I'm buzzin right now but not so bad that I can't type, by the end of this letter I'll prolly be close to drunk. For some reason...when I feel the cool alcohol running through my body...it's a relief from everything else. This saftey net that everyone tries to deprive me from. There are so many things I'm missing out on right now. My senior pics, ordering my cap and gown, my senior spring break that I'm not gunna have the moolah to go on. Money. Such a small work. When your little it means nothing, but when you grow up-it becomes an obsession-you cannot live without it. It becomes your air. You need it, you want it, you wait for it..but it doesn't wait around for you. If you need it bad enough you find it and then in the blink of an eye-it's gone. Is money our one true love? Our soulmate our passion?

-Jenny

Hello again, here I am at 7:35 in the AM at school...BLAH. Fuckin Mr. Krikton...I really dont like that guy...really...Some kids use the whole "my teacher hates me!" speal to try and get their parents to take it easy on them b/c they failed a class. I dont feel that way. I seriouly think he hates me. I will get to the bottom of it, he gave me a D+ on the final exam. Seems kinda funny dont ya think, I have notes and I was SO confident about the exam-and everyone else in the class got a good grade but me, he never gave me a print out of my grades (assignment summary) but he gave one to everyone else, said it "wouldn't print out" yet everyone elses did. AND when I asked him how much more time I owed him: he said he didn't have time to look at it right then, the book was right infront of him on the desk open even to the right page and EVERYTHING, he was standing there staring off into space doing absolutley nothing...it's like he WANTS me to fail, b/c I fall asleep in his class all the damn time, well I wouldn't if he'd learn how to fuckin teach! Needless to say all three (love ya Ken lol) of my parents are pissed with a capitol P. I have an appointment today with my guidence counslor this afternoon to streighten things ot hopefully...and...mabye...just mabye....I'll get the grade I know I deserve. I'm not saying that I want him to change the grade on my final, but it WILL be re-graded and if it comes out the same...then so be I'll take the hit and keep tuckin-but this attitude that he's got with me will stop, I dont care if this IS the last day of fuckin class, it's un-called for and if I dont stop him now, he's gunna do the same thing to someone later on-mabye not tomorrow, mabye not the next day...but sometime he will and they might not feel as strongley about it as I do. TAKE A STAND!

X your confessions

[ ] I am bisexual

[ ] I am homosexual

[X] I've run away from home

[ ] I listen to political music.

[ ] I collect comic books.

[X] I shut others out when I'm sad

[ ] I open up to others easily

[X] I am keeping a secret from the world

[X] I watch the news

[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs

[X] I own something from Hot Topic

[X] I love Disney movies

[X] I am a sucker for eyes

[ ] I don't kill bugs

[X] I curse regularly.

[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name

[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a real conversation.

[ ] I love Spam

[ ] I bake well

[X] I do sometimes wear pajamas to school.

[ ] I have owned something from Abercrombie

[X] I have a job

[ ] I love Martha Stewart.

[X] I am in love with someone.

[X] I like someone

[ ] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS

[X] I am self conscious.

[X] I like to laugh.

[ ] I smoke a pack a day.

[ ] I loved Go Ask Alice.

[X] I have cough drops when I'm not sick.

[ ] I can't swallow pills.

[X] I have many scars

[X] I've been out of this country

[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider in the room

[X] I am really ticklish.

[X] I love chocolate

[X] I bite my nails.

[X] I am comfortable with being me.

[X] I play computer games when I'm bored

[X] Gotten lost in the city

[ ] Saw a shooting star.

[ ] I had a serious Surgery.

[X] Gone out in public in your pajamas

[ ] I have kissed a stranger.

[ ] Hugged a stranger.

[ ] been in a fist fight with the same sex.

[ ] Been arrested.

[X] Laughed and had some type of beverage come out of your nose.

[X] Pushed all the buttons on an elevator

[ ] Made out in an elevator.

[X] Swore at your parents.

[X] Kicked a guy where it hurts.

[ ] Been skydiving...

[ ] Been bungee jumping.

[X] Broken a bone.

[ ] Played spin the bottle.

[X] Gotten stitches

[ ] Drank a whole gallon of milk in one hour.

[X] Bitten someone.

[ ] Been to Niagara Falls.

[X] Gotten the chicken pox.

[ ] Crashed into a car

[ ] Been to Japan

[ ] Ridden in a taxi.

[X] Shoplifted.

[ ] Been fired.

[X] had feelings for someone who didn't have them back

[ ] Stole something from your job.

[X] Gone on a blind date.

[X] Had a crush on a teacher/coach.

[ ] Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.

[ ] Been to Europe.

[ ] Slept with a co-worker.

[ ] Been married

[ ] Gotten divorced.

[X]Saw someone die.

[X] Driven over 400 miles in one day.

[X] Been to Canada.

[ ] Been on a plane.

[X] Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

[ ] Thrown up in a bar/club

[ ] Eaten Sushi.

[ ] Been snowboarding.

[ ] Been skiing.

[X] Been ice skating.

[X] Met someone in person from the internet

[ ] been to a motocross show.

[X] Going to or have gone to college.

[ ] Done hard drugs

[X] Taken painkillers.

[X] Cheated on someone else (ONLY CUZ THEY CHEATED ON ME FIRST THO!!)