i'm feeling so directionless

i'm letting this disfunction get all of the best

and now i fear there is nothing left for me here-

nor anywhere near

i can't continue to quiet myself for you

i'm so dull now,

when we first met, i was shiny and new

oh look at what i've done!

what a beautiful chaotic mess!

i would never settle for anything less.

but i can never accept what my own hands

have made as being worthy,

fit for your consumption,

yet your eyes are consuming me,

and my thoughts continue to

be consumed by you.

please don't tell me there's nothing i can do.

i just have absolutley no idea where to go from here.

i would leave if i could, but how could i abandon

everything i hold dear?

what i hold, i'm ashamed to confess,

it will be my end, but to no one's regret.

i've stopped wondering if i cross your mind.

you've made it clear that you don't have the time.

and unlike some, i've followed through with my threat

to love you forever.

i know all your tricks,
and i almost wish you left me alone
i don’t want to wonder
wether or not your really here
i wish you’d take back those words
or i wish i could just forgive you
instead of forget you
but both seem impossible.
i hope this smile isn’t temporary,
but chances are, it is
and i wish love didn’t feel so conditional
i wish it were uncondtional bliss
but anyone who’s been in love
knows it’s harder than it seems
and you’ll pull and you’ll push
to get closer, and farther apart
you’ll be out of your mind
and completly sane,
but thinking irrationally,
and it all seems the same,
but everything’s changing
and you have to let go
of what is no longer there,
and stay in the present
even though you’re not really here

i'm sorry for these tears,
but they just do not seem to cease,
maybe if i was stronger
i could conquer this beast
but i have proven weak
for all the world to see
i'm transparent and disgusting,
invisible to you
but by your own choice
 you do not wish to see this vile creature
that is lying at your feet
it is shameful for me too,
yes i see what i am now.
i can only reminince about
that stranger looking back at me.
yet i still manage to leech on to hope
and try to reach out

waste, waste away
the perfume you smell will turn to decay
go, go away
i'll wait for you here
but i sense that it's not safe
so where do i turn
and how can i learn
to grow again
after this birth of
a monster,
a scary hollow girl
who i know is not me,
just some reflection
hollow, yet haunting

i'm starved of the spontaneous affection that i lived for
i'm starved of those words i fell for
i'm starved of those smiles i died for

and now i'm starved of what sustains me.
what is this monster that has became me?
i'd lie if i said hungry for more.

don't worry.
i don't worry,
i know you'll put me in my place

i know once i speak up,
i'll bite my tongue
and like the taste

these tears will not redeem me,
i'll feel no arms around my neck,
no lips on my cheek

but what i will hear,
loud and clear
is your sincere threat

and a voice in my head
reminding me
there's a promise i must keep

i won't resist,
i'll take a chance,
along with the devil's kiss.
it won't surprise me if i'm engulfed in pure bliss
i always did turn a blind eye to lies
but i wish you didn't notice
something sweet is dripping off of your lips
oh is it that smile
or that forced kiss?
since you know my weakness
and my heart's desire,
i trust that you will rob me.
but you won't get much,
except for what you dread,
more tears for me to swallow
as i'm lying here in bed