The great Shakes died on this day, and here's an amazing multi-media presentation from Brittanica on his life and works.

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Alexander the Great
By Michael A. Stusser

Alexandros III Philippou Makedonon was born in 356 BC in Pella, the capital of Macedonia (now northern Greece). His father was King Phillip II and his mother was Olympias, a princess from Epirus. During his brief life Alex the Great conquered most of what was then called the civilized (or known) world, with an empire that stretched from the Mediterranean to India. His expeditions and conquests opened trade and cultural exchanges over a huge territory including Persia, Syria, Egypt, India and Central Asia. He is widely considered one of the greatest military geniuses in history for unique tactics, superior training and innovative motivational strategy. Alexander contracted malaria and died on June 13, 323 B.C.E at 32 years of age.


MF
One of your teachers was Aristotle. Can you tell us a little about him?

ATG
Yeah, my folks thought it would be good to have some home tutoring, so at 13 they brought Aristotle in for some Greek lessons. Guy was an amazing teacher – taught me ethics, politics, philosophy, even wood shop. Homework was a pain, though. I had to read Homer and memorize the Iliad.

MF
At the age of 16, most kids are learning how to kiss girls and drive the station wagon. You had bigger responsibilities.

ATG
Yeah, my dad (King Philip) left me in charge of the colonies when he was out of town. One time a colony revolted and we had to go in there and bang heads. I re-named the place Alexandroupolis.


MF
June of 336, you're 20 years old and your dad gets killed at the theatre. Who dunnit?

ATG
My mom, probably; she was a wild one. My father had remarried and things got nasty with the new gal. Can't complain – it made me King of Macedonia.

MF
You took the name, Alexander the Great. Kind of cocky, isn't it?

ATG
You're lucky I'm a dead guy right now.

MF
How about Alexander the Excellent?

ATG
I was amazing for my time, OK? I had a GREAT sense of humor, I was a GREAT military leader, had GREAT loyalty among men, and GREAT respect for women.

MF
That's true. When you conquered Persia (now Iran), you took King Darius III's mother and gave her a home and treated her well.

ATG
Tell me Caesar woulda done that.

MF
You were also way ahead of your time when it came to the idea of the melting pot, but the whole idea of ethnic fusion didn't work out. Why?

ATG
Has it worked in your country?

MF
Good point.

ATG
It got to where I had so many countries under my belt that I needed to smooth things out with some intermarriages, you know?

MF
And you led by example.

ATG
Yeah, my second wife, Stateira, was Persian. I also put foreign soldiers in my army so they'd mix cultures. The Macedonians hated the idea, and after I died, they annulled almost all the marriages. The whole Empire went to hell in a handbasket.

MF
Your army was often outnumbered, but still kicked ass. How so?

ATG
Well, we were pretty well trained, the guys learned to respond to flags and trumpets, that was new. Plus we had a killer cavalry. Gotta have a good horse. The catapults and javelin throwers didn't hurt either.


MF
Ever get hurt in battle?

ATG
Oh all the time. Might not have been such a good idea, but to inspire the troops I rode up front – sometimes I was the first guy over a walled city.

MF
That's not smart.

ATG
Yeah, I took an arrow in the lung in India, got my neck stabbed at Granicus, my leg was totally splintered while invading Turkestan and the troops had to carry me home. One time a bird dropped a stone on my head. I was constantly thrashed. Good times.

MF
Happiest moment?

ATG
Besides my life-long relationship with the eunuch Bagoas..

MF
You were in love with a eunuch?

ATG
Don't knock it till you've tried it. Times were different – my closest friends were all men, including my childhood friend Hephaistion, who I loved like an alter ego.

MF
And were you…?

ATG
"Don't ask, don't tell." That's always been my policy.

MF
Speaking of queens, you were crowned at one point, isn't that true?

ATG
After we freed them from Persian rule, the Egyptians crowned me as Pharaoh. So I got that goin' for me.

MF
Didn't they also name a street after you?

ATG
A whole city, actually. Alexandria, which sits on the mouth of the Nile River. Great spot.

MF
There you go with the "great" thing again. Isn't it true that toward the end you started to see yourself as a God?

ATG
I got a little carried away with the whole Prokynesis thing.

MF
Is that like Dianetics?

ATG
It's making people bow down to ya. I was trying to unite all my territories with a common religion – my own. Didn't quite work out. Take too much, they'll suck the life outta ya. Just ask Nixon.

MF
You died a month away from your thirty-third birthday. You fought for eleven years, and never lost a battle. Do you have any regrets?

ATG
Yeah, not making it to 40. I'm also not real happy that my tomb was raided by that bastard Ptolemy IX in 89 BC, who melted my sarcophagus to make gold coins! Can you believe that! (He was killed for his deeds…)

MF
You know they recently made a movie of your life starring Leonardo DiCaprio? ("Alexander the Great" directed by Baz Luhrmann, 2005).

ATG
Yeah? That's better than the one in '60 with Richard Burton. Who plays my mom?

MF
Oh you'll like this: Nicole Kidman stars as Olympia, Alexander's one of the most extraordinary female figures in all history.

ATG
She's hot.

MF
Thanks for your time.


-30-

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Interview with a Dead Guy
with Michael A. Stusser

Andy Warhol (b. Andrew Warhola)
Born: June 6, 1928 (?)
Died February 22, 1987

With his iconic Brillo Box sculptures and Campbell's Soup Can paintings, Warhol put the Pop in art in the 1950s and 60s.

A graduate of the Carnegie Institute of Technology, Warhol started as commercial illustrator in New York for magazines such as Glamour and Vogue, prior to morphing into the celebrated avant-garde oddball we know today. Savvy to the power of advertising, he took famous subjects – Elvis, Liz, Mao and Marilyn– and made himself famous by incorporating them into his ground-breaking art. There was a serious side too, as his paintings included handguns, nukes, electric chairs and racial conflict.

Warhol's workshop was called the Silver Factory (originally a Manhattan hat factory) - the ultimate underground bizarro bachelor's pad. A hangout for artists of all stripes (including Lou Reed, Canda Darling and Edie Sedgwick), the party never stopped (though it frequently moved to Studio 54). By the late 1960s, Warhol had become a huge cult star in the fashion, film and art worlds. On June 3, 1968, one of his groupies, Valerie Solanas shot him in a rage, and made him more renowned than ever.

Though at times a shy, timid SuperFreak, Warhol's ego and drive were king-sized. At the Factory, Warhol developed a silk screen technique that allowed "art workers" to crank out original works at a sweat-shop pace (half print, half painted), giving collectors what they wanted at a price they could (originally) afford. No longer.


Michael Stusser: What's up with the silver wig?

Andy Warhol: I dyed my hair gray when I was about 23 or 24. That way, everyone who thought I was old would be impressed with how young I looked. Also, I wouldn't have to act young anymore and could just lapse into eccentricity - or senility.

MS: How'd The Factory get started?

AW: Funny thing is it was just my studio, and had this great location. I'd go home, come back in the morning, and some girl had put tinfoil on the walls and moved into the elevator.

MS: Was there a point to it all?

AW: It was a place for collaboration, really. Get enough filmmakers, fashion models, speed freaks and drag queens together, and you're bound to have some magic happen.

MS: You had a Beautiful People Party.

AW: And you're still upset you weren't invited.

MS: I'm more upset I wasn't chosen as one of the Absolut Vodka artists. (Warhol was selected in 1985.) Gotta love that gift basket, huh?

AW: Would you like to be a ghost pisser?

MS: Say wha?

AW: I'm always looking for friends to urinate on my piss paintings. Makes the copper-paint turn nice and green.

MS: Um, pass. Your "Pop Art" included images from Kellogg's Corn Flakes to Pepsi caps. Is art imitating life, or the other way around?

AW: What it is is a reminder of what's great about this country – both the richest and poorest people can buy the same stuff. The President drinks Coke, and you can too.

MS: How'd you pick your subjects?

AW: Early on a friend suggested I paint things I loved, so I did Campbell's soup which my mommy gave me when I was sick, money – love it - and movie stars.

MS: You created the Rolling Stones (lips and tongue) logo.

AW: Yes.

MS: Yeah. That's totally cool.

AW: Is there another question in our future?

MS: Talk about fame.

AW: The only reason to be famous is so that, when you read all the gossip magazines, it's about people you've actually met.

MS: You'd tell different stories about yourself to different magazines.

AW: It was like putting a tracer on where people got their information – then I could cut 'em off. I preferred to stay a mystery.

MS: Is it true you had someone pretend they were you and give lectures?

AW: All the time. I usually sent my actor-friend Allan Midgette. It's what's on the surface that really matters, and it meant more of me to go around!

MS: After a while, you stopped hand-painting and just oversaw your assistants do blotting and silkscreens.

AW: Too bad you're not smart enough to have someone do the writing for you, hmm?

MS: You made over 500 16milimeter films. Sleep was clever. Eight hours long, guy snoring. That's art?

AW: Chelsea Girls was anything but boring – I had two different films projected at the same time.

MS: Oh, they do that on 24!

AW: I'm hoping you're not comparing my genius to a TV show with a Sutherland offspring.

MS: You really were prolific: hundreds of films, constant happenings, supervising workers, and showing your art worldwide. How'd you do it?

AW: Amphetamines. Have one!

MS: Thanks, but we're hooked on espresso now. Did you have a girlfriend, or boyfriend, or maybe a combo?

AW: Oh sure. In the late 50s I started an affair with my television that never really ended. And then, in 1964, I got married.

MS: Really?

AW: To my tape recorder.

MS: How romantic.

AW: I always knew I'd never marry because I didn't want kids. No one deserves to have the same problems that I have.

MS: When you got shot in '68 by the only member of SCUM (Society for Cutting Up Men), did your life flash before your eyes, or just 15 minutes of it?

AW: All I remember is thinking, "If only she had done it while the camera was on."

MS: Toward the end of your career, you called yourself a Business Artist. Is that the same as selling out?

AW: Making money is art, and working is art, and good business is the best art. I stopped doing things and started producing things. I don't know why people think artists are special. An artist can slice a salami too. It's just a job.

MS: You kinda nailed the whole reality TV craze with your famous line, "In the future everyone will be famous for 15 minutes."

AW: I'm bored with that. My new line is, "In 15 minutes everybody will be famous."

MS: Is it true you sold your sperm for a limited-edition group of babies?

AW: I thought you looked familiar…

End of Interview

The Dead Guy Interviews

Gautama Buddha
563BCE – 483BCE (approximate),

Buddha was born a privileged prince named Siddhartha Gautama in Nepal. He lived a luxurious life with his wife, Princess Yasodhara, till the age of 29, when he realized he'd never stepped foot outside the palace gates, and might actually like to take a look around. Seeing poverty and death for the first time, he began to wonder not only how the other half lives, but how to attain a state beyond birth, death or even desire. (If it was me, I would have run back inside to the Grand Buffet.)

Leaving the palace behind, he dabbled for six years in meditation, extreme asceticism, and self-mortification, rejecting them all for moderation. After one particular stint of mind-blowing contemplation under a tree, he attained Enlightenment, and became known simply as The Buddha. His spiritual awakening gave him brilliant insight into the nature and cause of human suffering, and a knowledge of how to become happy. The Buddha's goal, then, was to teach his new philosophy to the masses – or at least a few good men along the road.

The aim of Buddhism is to attain true enlightenment – Nirvana – a peaceful state where the individual is free from desire and self-consciousness. Passed down by oral tradition for hundreds of years after his death, Buddha (whose name literally means Enlightened One or Awakened One) had a message of love as the eternal rule, common sense, and focusing the mind on the present moment.

For the last 50 years of his life, Buddha spread the word throughout India to pretty much anyone who would listen – nobles, outcastes, common folk and leaders of other religious faiths. His philosophy was open to all, and he made thousands of converts during his travels.

The largest concentration of Buddhists in the world today reside in eastern Asia. In India, Hinduism has absorbed many of Buddha's ideas, and many Muslims believe Siddhartha is a prophet of Islam. Point being, there's plenty of Buddha to go around…in fact, estimates put followers at around 400 million, making Buddhism the sixth largest religion on the planet.


MS: I gotta say, you are one happy fellah.

B: And for good reason: All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves.

MS: That explains why my back is killin' me, huh?

B: Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.

MS: Speaking of peace, what do you think of all the statues and key chains and t-shirts of you in hipster gift shops?

B: If they bring about spiritual enlightenment, I'm happy to be the icon for self-reflection.

MS: But did you see the Buddha tankini from Victoria's Secret?

B: So long as it is not toilet paper, I am at peace.

There is a long, awkward silence. Two more hours pass.

MS: Ever hear of the band, Nirvana?

B: A band of enlightened brothers?

MS: No, a hard-rock group from Seattle.

B: I have many devoted followers in Seattle.

MS: Try and make 'em give up coffee, we'll see how long they stay enlightened.

B: Teach this triple truth to all: A generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion are the things which renew humanity.

MS: Point well taken. Say, odd question, perhaps, but are you a God?

B: I consider myself a guide – a teacher. But try and understand that there is no intermediary between mankind and the divine. People create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true. In the sky, for example, there is no distinction of east and west.

MS: Let's say I wanted to take a beginner's Buddhism class. Where would I start?

B: The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, nor to worry about the future, but to live the present moment wisely and earnestly.

MS: To be honest, I'm thinking about all the errands I need to run this weekend. I've got this bum lawnmower that –

B: Focus here, young man. The quiet. The tea before you. The sun as it streams into this room.

MS: But you focus a lot on suffering. So much suffering, you're like a Jewish mother…

B: Think of the suffering as identifying the disease. First we diagnose the problem, and more importantly, we prescribe the cure.

MS: More suffering?

B: Now it is you who are kvetching like a Jewish mother. The road that leads out of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path.

MS: All right, give 'em to me.

B: The Eightfold Path: proper understanding, proper thought, proper speech, proper action, proper livelihood, proper effort, proper mindfulness, and proper concentration.

MS: I'm sorry, what was that last one?

B: Proper concentra – HA! A joke from a young mind. This is a beautiful example of proper effort, but your understanding is faulty. This will take time.

MS: So the Buddha goes into a pizza shop and says, "Make me one with everything."

There is a long pause. Like, painfully long.

MS: As a prince, you had it all. Your father, King Suddhodana, even arranged a marriage to a wonderful gal. But you left it all behind. Why?

B: At the age of 29 I finally looked beyond the walls of the palace. There I saw the four sights.

MS: An old crippled guy, a diseased dude, a decayed, nasty corpse, and an ascetic, right?

B: The truth of life: that death, disease, age and pain are inescapable. Poor outnumber the wealthy, and pleasures of the rich eventually come to nothing.

MS: That is deep. Though I'm not sure if I saw these things I'd leave all my possessions - and inheritance - to become a monk.

B: You may or may not choose to walk in my footsteps. Remember that thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.

MS: Apparently - Buddhas crop up like weeds. Some say you're the 7th Buddha, others the 25th, and maybe the 4th. Which are ya?

B: The incarnation of a buddha begins long before his birth, and continues moons beyond his death. In fact, millions of lives have walked the bodhisattva path on the road to nirvana. If you want a number, simply pick one, and I'll wear it on the back of my Buddha uniform.

MS: OK, more importantly, who's the next one?

B: Like I'd tell you. I can share this: his name will be Maitreya, and he'll appear after Shakyamuni's teachings have disappeared from the world.

MS: Yeah, that helps. Listen, I hope you're not offended by this, but I keep reading about how you were competent in martial arts and hiked for miles each day. So how come you were, ya know, so fat?

B: Yes, you are mistaking me for someone else.

MS: The jolly, laughing Buddha with the pot belly. That's not you?

B: I'm afraid you are describing a character called Hotei, usually seen in China. He is a representation of an obese, medieval Chinese monk. I was quite fit.

MS: Really? Well can you clear up any other misconceptions about yourself?

B: My eyes were blue, I had fine, curly hair – yes hair – and rather than being the chow-hound you may have imagined, I was indifferent to hunger, environmental conditions and all bodily appetites.

MS: So, no Pringles, then?

B: No thank you.

MS: And if I rub your belly?

B: Our interview will cease.

MS: There are a lot of "nightstand Buddhists" – free-lance Buddhists looking for a quick fix. Some inner peace. Is that cool with you?

B: There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.

MS: You really are the real deal.

B: Remember: Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.

MS: I'm OK with a lot of this, but you were celibate from the age of 29 until your death. Is that part completely necessary?

B: Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.

MS: Uh, it doesn't.

B: And it doesn't mean that you will ever awaken from the slumber of ignorance in this life or the next.

MS: Sex just seems like one of those things that's on my mind a lot, that's all.

B: However many holy words you read, however many you speak – what good will they do you if you do not act upon them?

MS: Or don't act, in this case.

B: Remember this: what we think, we become.

MS: Then right now I'm a triple tall vanilla latte. I'm going to assume you don't want one…

The Buddha is still and quiet.

MS: Your last words were, "All things must pass away. Strive for your own salvation with diligence."

B: Yes.

MS: Well, dude, that was a George Harrison tune! From the Beatles?

B: Beetles, boars, men and women can all learn from my inner peace.

MS: All right, but I gotta get you this CD. There are some things even I can teach the Buddha.

B: And let me turn you on to a state beyond suffering, called true Nirvana.

MS: So you do dig music! That's awesome!

B: You have much to learn. Of this I'm sure.

END of INTERVIEW

Harry Houdini
March 24, 1874 – October 31, 1926

Handcuffed and stuffed into a straight-jacket, tied upside down then submerged into a dunk-tank. Who else but the one-and-only Harry Houdini?

Ehrich Weiss (aka Weisz Erik) emigrated to the US with his parents and four siblings when the future-escape artist was only four. Seeing famous illusionist Dr. Lynn's act as a boy gave Houdini the magic bug, and he soon began practicing sleight of hand (and probably that trick where you pull the tablecloth out from under the dishes). Taking the name Harry Houdini, he started a magic act in 1891 at the age of 17.

Over the years, Houdini escaped from prison cells, crates tossed from boats, and safes dangling from cranes high above city streets. But ask Harry his favorite bit of show biz, he'd tell you about taking a year off during World War I to tour with the troops and teach them how to escape from handcuffs.

Houdini died from peritonitis on Halloween, 1926. He was 52. His motto: "And this, too, shall pass away."



MS: The name Harry Houdini - why not Escapo the Magnificent?

HH: Harry was a pet name from my folks. My birth name was Ehrich – or Ehrie – which rhymes with Harry – and so it stuck. The Houdini part was a tribute to French magician Jean Eugene Robert-Houdin. Escapo Ehrich woulda been good though.

MS: At one point you were called the "King of the Birds."

HH: Ha! Yeah, I started performing with birds and other animals at first. My vanishing elephant act was good stuff.

MS: How'd you manage that?

HH: Well, you're never supposed to give away the tricks, but we had a swimming pool under the stage. It's how Siegfried and Roy did it in Vegas. Poor bastard…

MS: Speaking of giving away secrets, you kinda gave away the store with your book "Handcuff Secrets" (1910). Isn't that bad form?

HH: I could tell you how to regurgitate a key and pick a lock behind your back while you were upside-down underwater, and there's no way you'd escape. Takes mad skills, kiddo. The book just made my act more popular.

MS: How'd you ever think to use a straightjacket?

HH: I was visiting patients at an insane asylum in Canada and saw this maniac flopping around in a padded cell. Looked like a really sadistic thing to do on stage, and the next day I started experimenting with one.

MS: There were lots of magicians around – how did you get to be the World's Most Famous?

HH: First, I'm a master showman. That's important, or people will walk away going, "Yeah, OK, he made a rabbit disappear. Wo-hoo." I also had a nice horror element to my act.

MS: Cuz you might drown?

HH: Oh yeah! Flirting with death is an aphrodisiac! Equally important - I was a publicity machine!

MS: You had friends in the business.

HH: Sure, I was good pals with the publishers of New York's main papers. But I also worked my ass off. When we had a show, I put up 10,000 posters – by myself! I had decals made, did give-aways, great promotions. I made this Trump fella look like a Chump.

MS: In your later years, you had a war of sorts with spiritualists – people who claim to be able to communicate with the dead.

HH: After my mom died, I wanted to debunk all these so-called psychic loons. It just seemed unfair that these frauds charge two bucks to common, grieving folk, and tell 'em they can get in touch with a loved one.

MS: You died during one of your performances.

HH: Nope. Burst appendix.

MS: I thought you died doing the Water Torture Cell trick.

HH: Yeah, I get that a lot. Too many people saw that damn movie with Tony Curtis (1953).

MS: So no one sucker-punched you in the gut?

HH: Oh, I got sucker-punched allright – but that happened a few weeks before. It's why I didn't go to the doc. Here I am thinking I've just got a sore abdomen – and my appendix kills me.

MS: Even after your death you had a final trick up your sleeve.

HH: Made a pact with my wife, Bess, that I'd contact her from the other side. We agreed on a coded message before I died, and every Halloween she held a séance to see if I'd show up.

MS: And did you come back!?

HH: Naw. After a decade of séances, she said, "Ten years is enough to wait for any man." (He laughs) Kept everyone guessing though, and that's part of the act!

MS: You'll get a kick out of this: Charles Dillingham and Florenz Ziegfeld were pallbearers at your funeral.

HH: Glad to hear it.

MS: On the way to the church, Dillingham leans toward Ziegfeld and says, "Ziggie – I bet you a hundred bucks he ain't in here!"

END of INTERVIEW