Day 1. Cardiff.
Tooth get in a van and leave the country.
First service station in Wales and a man reverses into a bin then sits in his car and thinks about what he's done for a long time.
Gammers decides that Jo drinks too much coffee and kicks her cappuccino over in a fit of rage. Both parties apologise for their respective failings.
Tooth meet The Chap who then fall out with the soundman.
Wetherspoons for first tour dinner.
Jen Long arrives with Soft Toy Emergency in tow.
The Chap are awesome and their bassist wears the shortest of shorts.
Gammers and Ross vow to get some. Shorts.
Gammers and Ross fall in love (not with each other).
Then to Jen Long's house for party times with Soft Toy. Key points: ‘Would you rather...’, Buckfast, vomit, Gammers talking extensively about the Simpsons, 3 in a bed.
Gammers: I may be from Rugby and I may be a playa, but I'm not a rugby player.
Ross: Hello...didn't anyone get the memo when I was born?
Andy Soft Toy: You gotta have Brad Pitt shagging you in the ass and he's got a big dick.
Gammers: I’d rather have Brad Pitt do me in the ass than have Orlando Bloom fannying about behind me.
Playlist: Misty's Big Adventure / Hold Steady / Weezer
Day 2. Cheltenham.
Brunch with Jen and Soft Toy.
The sausages aren't vegan - poor Jen.
Ross eats them.
Farewells and Tooth head for Cheltenham Tesco and the Halloween isle.
In depth discussion about Action Man’s weakness. Dodgy knees? Eczema? Settle on Heart Murmur.
Check into the Hotel then a short stop at a Varsity pub before a disastrous attempt to drive the van into a pedestrian zone which ends in a bus driver shouting at Jo.
Tooth meet Poppy and Zac of Poppy & Friends.
Ross slaps Gammers.
On camera.
Sneak 4 into a 3 person Travelodge suite for drinking and sleeping.
Gammers: We're seriously gonna bring the motherfucking ruckus to this place.
Gammers: I think short of playing drums for Girls Aloud I've got the best seat in the house.
Gammers: I like this woman on Sky News. Here’s the news – she’s sexy.
Gammers: I think we should take the TV outside and throw it back in the window.
Playlist: Monsters of Folk
Day 3. Oxford.
Sophie takes 1hr 52minutes to do her hair. Gammers goes back on his vow to sing loudly in the shower.
Bread and houmous breakfast before shopping in Cheltenham.
Boys ditch the girls in the ‘folk dress’ section of Primark and head for Poundland and Jaffa Cakes.
Revisit Varsity for hot chocolate with marshmallows AND a flake.
Slow cruise through the beautiful countryside to Oxford.
Paramore marathon (Parathon, if you will).
Gammers and Ross argue at length about which Taking Back Sunday record is the best. Ross is wrong, obviously.
Gammers and Soph form an emo band called Five Mile Drive. You heard it here first.
Straight to a gay bar.
Gammers regales all with tales of being spat on.
Soph and Gammers discuss UK Garage one hit wonders at great length. Seriously. They get very involved.
No Jon Secada on the jukebox.
Pre-cum.
Meet up with Stagecoach and wait an hour to get into the venue.
Ross sees the beginning of a fight in McDonald’s toilet. Gammers catches the end. It has fizzled out.
Ross tells the Coach of Gammer's trailer park roots.
Sophie kills a polar bear.
Electric shocks on stage.
Luka Coach has a picture of Hayley from Paramore on his guitar. This is a great sign.
Coach kick ass.
Tooth go home.
Kooky tries to sexually assault Gammers in the night. Gammers is flattered but not interested.
Busker: Gordon Brown's a twat, Gordon Brown wears women's clothes.
Playlist: Paramore / Taking Back Sunday / Jetplane Landing / Jay-Z
Day 4. Rushden.
More than the GDA of wrong turns.
It's a boy school disco...but there aren't any boys...or girls.
Retro Spankees are brilliant.
A handful of kids dance furiously.
Not sure if they were taking the piss.
Tooth play to an insane dance off between the kids and the remained Retro Spankees.
Retros win - bouncing like bouncers.
Gammers is forced to squeeze a spot in the dressing room.
Soph hits Northampton town centre.
Gammers, Jo & Ross hit the Witt family cellar for blue cocktails and pool.
Gareth: Sophie has got a very dark past
Ross: She used to be black.
Ross: Heads or tails?
Gareth: Tails never fails...oh what, it's a conker.
Playlist: Heart FM
Day 5. Manchester.
Manchester bound.
Queen on the stereo.
Horsebox or Burger van?
Arrive at venue way too early.
Tim and Becca of Tim & Sam Band turn up.
Off to Sophie's new pad for biscuit and tea.
Back to venue.
Stagecoach arrive.
Radiators on stage are on!
Violin dies.
Don't see Tony Sony or Barry McGuigan BMG.
Coach are great.
This tour is sponsored by Samantha Mumba.
Chinatown for buffet, Soph's for eating, taxi to BSM showcase with Stagecoach, Sam Isaac, Jack Alcopop, Kev BSM.
Watch the super Talons.
Drink.
Pile into taxis to Deaf Institute for amazing Hot Club De Paris.
Lulu.
Jack tries to pay the fare with Alcopop samplers. Fails. Surprisingly.
Another taxi to Mojo club.
Gammers, Jack and Jo kidnap Jen Long and lose Soph.
Most incredible drinking and dancing scenes.
Farewell Stagecoach.
Taxi with Jack Pop shouting 'KEBAB!' at the driver.
Serenade the absent Stagecoach.
Bed-based photo opportunity.
Sophie refuses to let Gammers go to bed until he has watched a Billie Piper TOTP performance on YouTube.
Big bag of salad and sleep.
Gammers: Every bastard else has got a picture, why haven't we?
Sophie: L - I - T - H - P...lisp.
Gareth: First we hit Chinatown then we hit vagina town.
Ross: Cheryl Cole would look good wearing 20ft of concrete.
Jack Alcopop: Sophie, you have a face as handsome as Christmas.
Playlist: Queen / Beatles / Brand New
Day 6. Leeds
Ross up at 7am to move the van in pj's.
More than the GDA of U-turns.
Later, Tooth head for Sam Isaac's house then for breakfast at Night & Day with Rod Thomas.
Tim & Sam Band are superb.
So are A Genuine Freakshow.
A super Rod Thomas set then we pick up Gary Stewart and squeeze into a jam on the M62 for a while.
Son of a bitch.
Fuck you to hell motorway.
Gareth sleeps during this and wakes to find himself almost at the venue. Second time this tour.
Finally in Leeds we unload and head off for tapas.
Gammers and Ross get lost trying to buy cigarettes and ask a policeman for help.
Gammers and Ross find Carib Bean!
Ross's brother turns up and has a staring contest with Poppy. He thinks that Gammers is unfriendly.
Poppy and Zac are brilliant.
Ross encourages the crowd to dance on tables.
No one does.
A man sits on the merch and Gammers manages to retrieve a badge from under his bottom without him noticing!
Off to York.
Pun-based shenanigans in the van.
Soph crashes.
G, Jo and Ross booze it up.
Ross has a laughing fit and then sleep.
Ross: There's a beer in that drink Gareth.
Ross: You made your bed Gareth, now die in it.
Gammers: That's a TV there; I reckon there's a window behind you.
Jo's Mum: You have to drink a lot of it cos it's thin.
Playlist: Mumford & Sons / Johnny Flynn / Belinda Carlisle / Richard Marx / T'pau
Day 7. York.
Showers and toast.
Soph begins work on her hair.
Pre post tour blues set in.
Jo's mum calls York Railway Museum to ask if we can record an acoustic session there.
There is a lot of red tape involved.
Watch some Pixar shorts and build 'Jareth'.
Wife Swap USA then off to venue.
SIREXOWUG!
Travels By Telephone hand out flapjacks then dinner with Jo's mum.
Crazy cuboid veggie sausages.
And rhubarb crumble.
Ross encourages the crowd to lie on the floor and run in circles.
No one does.
Pile Sophie into a taxi.
Another great Poppy and Zac set.
Home through the rain.
Home at 4am.
Gammers: Snooty cow. I never did like that Dench; she never returned any of my calls.
Jo: I wish I liked pies; it would make my life a lot easier.
Soph: I don't know if I can eat an apple crumble, but if I have one in front of me I probably will...how much?
Gammers: God help any man that ever gets involved with you!
Gammers: Christmas is bullshit. There. I said it.
Playlist: Stagecoach / Sunset Rubdown
xx