Typically, when I get spam from promoters I just send them a 'thanks, but we're not the kind of band you're probably looking for' type of note. If they respond at all, it's usually with a 'thanks, we'll drop you from our mailing list and good luck with your future'. Simple, right?
Not with this joker. After several non-solicited spams, I decided to have a little fun...I think I hit some nerves. Oh, well.
The story you are about to read is true, but the name has been removed to protect the silly bastard. Although I've removed the headers, I've not edited the text in any way. Please to enjoy:
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I NEED ANOTHER ROCK BAND -so- If You Guy's Are As Good As I Hear You Are I Will Make You An OFFER!!! If You DO NOT Have Anywhere To Play On Saturday Night - March 1, 2008, I Would Like To Have You In Our ~ GTO'S 1ST ANNUAL "SUPER ROCK!" ~~~ BATTLE OF THE BANDS -but- Not So Much To Be The "ULTIMATE WINNER!" --- But To Put You On One (Or More) Of OUR NATIONAL SUMMER SHOWS For Which You Can Choose From The Following BANDS: MOTHERS FINEST ~ ATLANTA RHYTHM SECTION ~ MOLLY HATCHET ~ MARSHAL TUCKER ~ BLACKFOOT ~ GEORGIA SATELLITES - EDGAR WINTER ~ JOHNNY WINTER ~ RICK DERRINGER ~ PAT TRAVERS ~ LITTLE RIVER BAND, etc. HOWEVER! ~ Should You ADVANCE and BECOME THE "ULTIMATE WINNER!!!" ~~~ JUST GO TO THE TOP OF THE PAGE ON THIS MY SPACE SITE TO THE RIGHT SIDE
[deleted] and CLICK ON "Comments" and SCROLL DOWN TO SEE ALL THE WINNINGS LISTED ON THE FLYER...
P. S.
I Will Also GUARANTEE YOU SOME GOOD PAYING DATES AS WELL...
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We are actually better than you can imagine.
We are actually booked on March 1, too, but I guess you haven't paid attention to our site.
We have already told you that we don't engage in Band Battles, but I guess you haven't paid attention to your mail.
Thanks for the spam, it was delicious and full of empty calories.
Just like your Fame and Fortune Guarentees.
Good luck, and keep selling the Dream.
P.S. For future reference: We are a PUNK rock band, and I sincerely doubt that ANY of the bands listed would appreciate the kind of abuse we like to give to the fans we do have.
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Well, CLUMSY PIRATE MEMBER --- For YOUR INFORMATION WE USE LOCAL TALENT ON ALL OF OUR SUMMER NATIONAL SHOWS -and- IF YOU WERE THAT GOOD I WOULD HAVE ALREADY HEARD OF YOUR BAND and HAVEN'T SO YOU TAKE YOUR LITTLE MINUSCULE ATTITUDE and STICK IT UP YOUR "PUNK ASS!!"
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It's cool, [name deleted], no need to get your panties in a wad. Seriously.
I've never heard of YOU before you started spamming folks with your Band Battles. I guess it's not such a small world after all.
Remember this, my friend: I'm just a local musician and artist whose been doing what I've been doing for the last 20 years. I'm not doing it for fame, nor fortune, nor for any other reason than to get a rise out of people who take themselves too seriously.
There is no golden pot at the end of the rainbow, but if you want to keep selling kids dreams of glory, have fun! Someday you'll be old. Hopefully, you'll have a sense of humor to stave off the Alzheimers, too.
Crumsy Hugs, and thanks for making me smile!
The Pirate Queen
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Well just for your information, CLUMSY QUEEN (and This name Fits You PERFECTLY) - I was involved with some Local Bands YEARS AGO That had These So-Called DREAMS You Mentioned and They DID FIND THAT POT-OF-GOLD At The End Of The Rainbow and Are Still Receiving GOLD From That POT! These Local Bands Back Then Who Had "BIG DREAMS" Took It To The Levels Of "ROCK 'N ROLL STARDOM!" --- Such Little BANDS As: THE ALLMAN BROTHERS ~ LYNYRD SKYNYRD - BLACKFOOT ~ ELVIN BISHOP ~ MARSHAL TUCKER -So- YOU JUST DIDN'T and STILL DO NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES -LMFAO- GUTS and TALENT!! THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE BEEN DOING WHAT YOU HAVE BEEN DOING FOR 20-YEARS PUNK!
[name deleted]
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My dear [name deleted],
I'm guessing that you're in your mid to late twenties, fairly intelligent, good looking, and full of enthusiasm. Those are GREAT qualities to have when you are in the entertainment business.
Here are a few tips to help you win more friends and influence more people:
1) It's pretty silly and rude to send an unsolicited note to someone which starts off with: "I NEED ANOTHER ROCK BAND -so- If You Guy's Are As Good As I Hear You Are I Will Make You An OFFER!!!" and then when your offer is declined to come back with "IF YOU WERE THAT GOOD I WOULD HAVE ALREADY HEARD OF YOUR BAND and HAVEN'T SO YOU TAKE YOUR LITTLE MINUSCULE ATTITUDE and STICK IT UP YOUR "PUNK ASS!!" "
2) It's a counter-productive PR move to insult people that you want to solicit to your cause. After all, you never know who knows who let alone who knows what about whom.
3) When using print and electronic media to communicate, it's in your best interest not to overuse capitalization because it's often interpreted as yelling. This makes you look unprofessional at best and mentally unbalanced at worst.
4) To follow up with 3 above, it's also a good idea to write in complete sentences using proper punctuation, correct spelling, and paragraph breaks in order to make your message more coherent. When your messages are a jumble of characters, you come off looking as an uneducated fool rather than a professional and legitimate business person.
Are you a musician yourself? If so, what instrument do you play? Have you even actually been in a band or do you just do PR? Either way, practice makes perfect, and I encourage your diligence and hard work. It will pay off in the future when your youth and beauty start to fade and your enthusiasm starts to dim.
I hope the words that I've chosen to use in this message haven't been too challenging or foreign to you; I think that you are a bright person who has probably never had anyone tell them that they are less than perfect. It's okay, though, as none of us are perfect and life is a learning process.
I'm enjoying our correspondence immensely!
Best wishes,
The Pirate Queen
P.S. Please feel free to share this correspondence with all of your friends, business clients, and anyone else whom you think may be interested!
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Little, Pirate "QUEENY" - It Was Your GOOFY ASS Who Started With The Negativity and If You Were So Smart You Would Have READ Where I Told You That I Was Involved With PARTICULAR BANDS Who Dreamed and DREAMED BIG --- Who Actually "MADE IT" In The Music Business and In A LOT LESS TIME Than The 20-Years That It Has Taken You To Be At The LESS THAN SUCCESSFUL Level You At Presently. To Be Your Age and To Be Where You Are AFTER 20-Years As A Musician Says VOLUMES.... If I Were Trying To Impress Someone Grammatically It Sure As HELL Wouldn't Be Your CLUMSY, PIRATE, QUEEN, PUNK, ASS! Take This Sentence You Typed For Instance: I encourage your diligence and hard work. Grammatically Speaking This SHOULD READ - I Encourage You To Be More Diligent In Your Hard Work.
Look LOSER - You COULDN'T EVEN AFFORD TO EAT WHERE I EAT LET ALONE CHALLENGE MY INTELLIGENCE....
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[name deleted] -
I see that you are assuming that EVERYONE who makes music wants to become ROCK STARS!
I am here to tell you that that simply is not the case.
Believe it or not, there are people out there who make music because they want to be creative and expressive - and they really don't care whether they "MAKE IT BIG" or not. It's not about money or fame.
People like that have day jobs, not delusions of grandeur. You seem to be having problems wrapping your head around this concept.
It's not about winning or losing, my young friend, nor is it about competition.
The more diligent your are in exercising your mind and accepting that there's more to music than being rich and famous, the less you'll be frustrated when you get older.
PQ
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BULLSHIT! You Are FRUSTRATED Because You DID NOT and DO NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES To Be SUCCESSFUL. MOST People Who Play Music Has A DESIRE To Be SUCCESSFUL --- To Be "STARS!!"
Just ACCEPT That Your CLUMSY, CRUMSY, CRUMPLED, DECREPIT-OLD-ASS IS SO BORED THAT YOU HAVE TO BE NEGATIVE TO EVEN GET SOMEONE TO RESPOND TO YOUR IGNORANT ASS AS IT IS THE ONLY HOBBY ENTERTAINMENT and HOBBY YOU HAVE LEFT IN YOUR MISERABLE LIFE Besides Your SILLY-ASS Club Gigs...
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Why would I bullshit you? I don't even know you. If you calm down and decide to stop wasting your time insulting me with silly names and read what I've written, I'll bet you might find something useful in dealing with people in the future who have different opinions and tastes than your own.
Tell me something, [name deleted]: How do YOU define "success"? I am honestly interested, too, otherwise I wouldn't have asked.
Don't get me wrong - if some hotshot major record company exec wanted to sign me and he offered me an acceptable deal, I would probably take it. Sure I would. Nonetheless, the kind of music that I do is NOT going to be played on commercial radio. We're on college radio and internet radio - and that's just fine with us. We pretty much get to play gigs when we want, and we write the kind of music that we love. This is how *I* define success for me.
Look, [name deleted], between my band members. my family members, and myself, we've all had PLENTY of experience playing everything from empty dives to large, packed venues. We've made money, we've lost money. We've been on the road, and we've logged hours and hours of studio time between us. Between my husband and myself alone, we play all kinds of music whenever and wherever we get the chance: rock, classical, blues, jazz, goth, reggae, eletronica, and my own personal favorite, punk. We've done soundtracks for independent films, made music videos, been featured on a couple of radio shows, hosted music television shows, and met many many many people just like you in the business. We ARE successful. We don't need to be "stars".
I could be wrong about this, but I suspect that you are someone who is more into the business side of the music business rather than someone who is into the creative writing and performing side. Would I be right in assuming that you listen to Top 40 or classic rock or country rock? Maybe some blues? It seems obvious to me that you're seriously into music with radio airplay/commercial potential, and there's certainly nothing wrong with that.
But do me a favor. Save these e-mails that we've been writing back and forth. Print them out in their entirety and share them with some of your super-duper rich and famous buddies from "THE ALLMAN BROTHERS ~ LYNYRD SKYNYRD - BLACKFOOT ~ ELVIN BISHOP ~ MARSHAL TUCKER".
Go ahead - ask Warren Haynes or Allen Woody if I am talking bullshit. Ask Elvin Bishop if I am lying about the fact that there's more to music than fame. Hell, I bet Dicky Betts has lots of stories that he could share with you about the times when he played and never got paid. You've name-dropped some pretty commercially successful bands - but how much time have you actually spend with the musicians themselves?
Also, you never answered me earlier, but I was wondering if you, yourself are even a musician? Do you play an instrument? Have you even been in a band? Have you ever written a song? Outside of a karaoke bar, have you ever performed in front of an audience?
Please trust me when I say that there's more to it all than commercial success. You don't believe me now, and that's okay - but it's no bullshit.
Keep rockin' it - you're doing great!
PQ
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Oh HELL! -lmao- You're A Female!! Just for the future proof-read your material because you typed the following: "You've name-dropped some pretty commercially successful bands - but how much time have you actually spend with the musicians themselves?" The word should be spent. I have spent tons of time with many of the bands and Musicians I have mentioned and, Yes - I play, write and sing. I have played in several Bands from BERTHA - HEART - JACKSON BROWN - URIAH HEEP, etc.
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Really, [name deleted]? You've played with Heart and Jackson Brown and Uriah Heep? Really?
C'mon now - who's bullshitting who? What do you play? Do you have anything online that you'd care to share with me?
[name deleted], you can bloviate until the cows come home, but it makes you look a tad bit foolish. Did you picked out various names to drop from the Rolling Stone Record Guide all by yourself? If you want to succeed in the music BUSINESS you have to do better than that. You're not a very convincing storyteller.
Here's another couple of final tips, chosen just for you:
1) Black is always in style whenever you have to hang out with celebrities.
2) Art cannot be mass produced.
3) Don't lie about things that can be easily verified just to impress someone you've never met. It's juvenile and it can come back to bite you in the ass.
PQ
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There you have it folks, this hot shot has played with Heart, Uriah Heep, and Jackson Browne. This person has worked with "THE ALLMAN BROTHERS ~ LYNYRD SKYNYRD - BLACKFOOT ~ ELVIN BISHOP ~ MARSHAL TUCKER"!
So with all of this international commercial success, I wonder why this person is merely doing promotion for a Battle of the Bands series for some bar in Buford, Georgia?
Hmmmmmm.