So its been almost a month since Dallas's accident, and i have pretty much been in denial 90 percent of the time. Out of sight out of mind right? i know its a HORRIBLE way of putting it but its whats been getting me through and past the sadness... i only cried when i first heard and a lil bit at the memorial other then that i just dont believe it..... well last night i came across the SL dvd i never have really watched it since gscott gave it to me like last february, and i sat and debated for about 20 minutes.... do u really want to see this? is it for the best?  i miss him sooo flippin much and to just see a glimpse of him again i thought i must.... i watched the first song they performed and lost it.... finally let it come out .... i then became too sad to watch it any further so i pressed stop and sat there.... i PRESSED STOP and the screen went to the toshiba dvd logo right... sat trying to bring myself together the movie starts playing again....so im a lil freaked out i press stop again... it does it again! so im like okay so i change the input to go to regular tv.... and i can hear the noise from the dvd still so i turn off the tv... the tv flashes once AFTER i turned it off then finally went off..... so i run upstairs like WHAT THE HECK?  and my computer is playing bright spring morning.... so i came to this conclusion.... call me crazy...but i beileve something or someone is telling me its okay to cry.... tears mean he hasnt been forgotten and i shouldnt forget him i should think about him everyday and be greatful for every moment we spent together from disneyland trips.... to just hanging out eating carls jr late at night at the house...while playing video games... so no ive decided no longer to forget but to wear it on my sleeve and theres no shame in crying... i love u dallas and i hope u know i miss u so very much

so yeah i just got home from my first real vacation all summer! well first i went away to drews house and went to this lil kickback with him n brian klemm i missed them like crazy lemme tell u tivo is my god i never knew how great it was til i went to drews... well drew was drunk and funny and he locked us out of his nice cold room so me n brian stayed up til 4 watching grind and roadtrip, then we woke up went to bjs had a good time... came home packed and went on my way! yay, i went to the beach for a whole week, i miss it sooo much already. if i was still there right now we'd be roasting mellows... jumping on the trampoline and playing beach volleyball.... its sad not being able to step out your front door to see the ocean :-( i miss it soo much its ridiculous but seriously it was the best vacation ive ever been on. lets see we did sooo much i got stung by jellyfish AGAIN and they are my new biggest fear... so i made people catch them in nets and buckets for me... we went jellyfishing like spongebob. ya we are cool i know... we caught seriously like 24 of them it was crazy i hope i never get stung again! i flippin love jamie and her family its like my home away from home.... and im tan, crazy i know... lets see what did we do, we played games, i bought a new skateboard(longboard kind) and i seriously will not get off it.... we bought it from this lil skate shop where we hung out with the owners and watched and 80s movie i forget the name something dragon... but yeah met the hottest guy ever he was a wrestler so great... and i met grace from NY and fell in love with her, her brother looked like ron from harry potter but yeah im soo tired from swimming and running and skating all weekend but it was well worth it i lost weight mad style and got tan... theres sooo much to say i could go on forever but i wont.... all i have to say is jamie, elise, jobi, and grace thanx for being there and sucha great vacation for me to let loose on i flippin love u guys.

p.s my birthday is in like 6 days YAY

so many of you would probably say "get over it amanda its been a year" what im refering to is the drama that was last summer... well i was over, had been over it, even reconcilled enough with eric to start talking to him every now and again.... but then the best news ever dropped into my lap (from numerous reliable sources) after all the "your crazy amanda" and jenny is sooo innocent amanda, guess who had a baby this april... thats right jenny and eric...or what we think is erics ;-) (its a bastard... hahah get the title of the blog?) im not trying to be mean i just want to prove a point.... what goes around comes around.... they messed up my life in a way and now theres got messed up to, a baby right when she turned 20 without a husband and a guy which she was only dating less then a month when it was concieved..... i believe in karma im no buddhist but they got that whole concept down pat.... you really pay for your actions, she knew what was going on between him and i that summer and (im gonna put this bluntly so im warning you) she let him stick it in her anyways... and after all the hurt and pain i went through that summer and the ass smacks when he told me to roll down windows even after he was through with me and me being nice enough to not tell i came out pretty okay. im glad it wasnt me with that baby.... and im so glad i said no when he wanted to sleep with me (which proves another point to girls that saying no is a good thing)  my mom says Tom Sawyer owes me an  appology but they arent to blame at all, they dont see what goes on inside camp or at the parties they only know what they are told and i never told a thing, which hit me in this ass eventually i became the bitch not the victum but im okay with that i allowed myself to be portrayed as that, and in a way im portraying myself as that again.. but its a free country and gossip happens so here i am spreading it, and basking in all its glory