Pick the true statement describing our keyboardist's weekend (yes, one of these is true):

- Jesus Crisis flew a helicopter for less than a minute in Gettysburg, Pennsylvania.

- Jesus Crisis was asked to leave the Metro Center branch of Suntrust Bank for smoking.

- Jesus Crisis was asked to film a gang-bang in Columbia Heights and did it for free.

- JC was called "faggot" by a MPD cop while smoking a pipe shirtless playing guitar in Malcolm X Park early Sunday morning.

We've been gearing up to record early this summer and we're pleased to announce that North Sea Records will be releasing a 7" from these forthcoming sessions. We'll have more info posted here in the coming weeks, so check back soon!

If you have the copy of our cd with the single black fly stamped on it, contact us immediately please.

BYT Relaunch / Cinco De Mayo covers fest. All the best DC bands are doing their favorite covers this Saturday at the Rock Hotel. Free before 9pm!

SKINNY BOY 1 (Vince Sheurman aka V. Sherms)

vs.

SKINNY BOY 2 (Rob Pierangeli aka Bobby Puma)

As we all know, my biceps are huge. You would think I would be the clear winner. NOT SO! I lost. It turns out that skinny boy Vince is way stronger than he looks.

It gives me great pleasure to announce THE REMATCH. And watch out V. Sherms, I've been hitting the gym hard doing all kinds of girly stretches. IT"S ON SON!
 

Wed. March 28th, 2007

THE BLACK CAT, at 9 pm

ARMY OF ME  w/  THE HARD TOMORROWS

The statements below DO NOT reflect the views of the Hard Tomorrows. This is a piece sent to us by friend/enemy Tron.

------

The following conversation took place on Wednesday, January 10 2007 between a man named Anthony and me:

Anthony:            Hey man, this new smoking ban is great, don't you think?

Tron:    Of course I don't.

A:         C'mon man, if you quit smoking you'll be a lot healthier and you'll live a lot longer.

T:         Haha. And?

A:            And…what?

T:         Who wants to live forever? Do you? Have you ever met a hundred-year-old person? Trust me, Mother Nature is a savage bitch.

A:       I think I hate you.

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Fact: The forefathers of this country were tobacco farmers, they all smoked, and while they didn't live a hundred years, they're still the ones who made this country great. Now this country is like a fucking carnival. You never know what's really going on, you can't trust the government/media, and God is gone. You never really know what's bad or good for you because the Wise Men are constantly changing their opinions for reasons unrelated to you or your health. I think the best argument against smoking is the fact that so many French smoke. I don't want to talk bad about the French, but seriously, what sane person would want to emulate the French? Another argument is that, now that we have to go outside to smoke, our chances of catching a stray bullet are greatly increased, which makes it even more dangerous. Pussies.

I would like to stage my own personal protest to DC's smoking ban, but I need some help deciding which approach to take. Please help me choose between:

1)      Write a letter to Mayor Fenty's office expressing my unhappiness over the legislation.

2)      Plant crack cocaine in Mayor Adrian Fenty's car.

3)      Catapult flaming bales of tobacco leaves through the upstairs window of Mayor Fenty's home late at night.

4)      Post photos on the internet of Fenty in his Dungeons and Dragons pajamas and fireman's helmet.

5)      Kill Mayor Fenty.

Thank You,

Tron

     Please stop sending flowers, Rishi is not dead! As our band piano tuner, Chesnutt Skibes aptly put it, "He missed the Big Dirt Nap by the skin of his teeth. Stars and steaming seas, all come together." Indeed.

     Rishi's holistic health-coach has recommended avoiding strenuous exercise, alcohol and most hallucinogens, and we're making sure he does. But the boy is doing fine. In fact, as I write this Rishi is in Pittsburg sitting in on sitar with the Indian fusion band the Salamanders.

Conclusion: Being human means one thing: Death. Someday all animals, including Rishi, will take the "Big Dirt Nap." Some days life may feel like a horse bucking murderously to eject you into the black bog of death. But today is not that day. Also, while it may be funny to poison other people, it is not socially acceptable, even if they are your friends. I would like to personally apologize for breaking the hospital door as we fled the police once we found out Rish was going to make it. See you at WONDERLAND on THURSDAY!

Don't listen to the rumors. This is what really happened:

Rishi DID fall violently ill to the influenza, and was declared "legally dead" at the Washington Hospital Center at 5:10am on Monday morning. According to hospital spokeswoman Linda Kinser, the 25-year old curry-chef and guitarist lost consciousness in the Ambulance on the way to the hospital. "After an hour of a sustained body temperature of 109 degrees," said Kinser, "Mr. Chakr-whatever lost blood pressure and within moments his heart stopped. After repeated attempts to revive him, he was declared dead." After this his corpse lay inanimate in a hospital bed for forty-five minutes, before a soccer ball came crashing through the window striking the body in the crotch. "It was at this point that Mr. Chakr-whatever came back to life. I don't believe in God, but I saw it with my own eyes," said Kinser. At this moment his speech is slightly slurred and he has been overheard babbling gibberish, initially thought to be Jim Morrison poetry. Donations of guitar strings, unused condoms, and drugs can be left with Jesus Crisis or left in his mailbox before the end of the week (preferably tonight, with descriptions of which drugs do what). Thanks for all your concern and see you at the Wonderland show!