Is it wrong to call into work sick with PacMan fever?

I thought so.

Imagine this. You're at work. You leave your desk and descend upon a conference room to attend a meeting that promised free snacks and a giveaway. Yes, in this way I'm a Pavlov's dog meeting attendee. Free shit to break up the monotony? So there!

I know I'm in trouble when I approach the conference room and someone hands me this.

 I shit you not

Snacks are ok. Cold shrimp on bread. Better than donuts, not as good as wraps. The lights go down..sort of, it's a room with floor to ceiling windows. And they show a Bugs bunny still with Elmer Fudd pointing a shotgun at Bugs. The words "Weetention, Wevenue, Wewawrds" appear on the screen and then fade to "Retention, Revenue and Rewards," in case there are people present who don't speak Fudd.

Then in a fashion similar to my high school graduation but with more flair, the people in the department holding the meeting come cheering in on either side of the isle pom-poms and all. There's some chatter about why we are here (to help make this department money by mentioning them in our marketing materials, yada, yada, yada), and some more bribes and people yelling at us with miniature bullhorns.

But the best was whenever someone speaking uttered the word "rewards" the entire front row stood up with pom-poms and all and shouted back "rewards!" I could have used these guys when I was single and trying to meet women in bars. That would be pretty dope if when I said a key word a bunch of people around me got all excited and repeated it. "Drink!" "Dance?" "Hurricane Tongue!"

So the meeting is over but the bribing has just begun. With a big whoop the front row hits the audience and distributes all kinds of trinkets, or shit that'll get lost in the clutter of my desk.

  you scratch my back....

And once again, I don't have to watch TV to be completely amused by the absurdity of the working world and free backscratchers.

Upon returning last night from dinner with a few friends, I discovered my pug Muriel had consumed 17 and a half pieces of Orbit citrus mint gum, wrappers and all. I'm very curious about what kind of bowel movement this might produce. Will she blow bubbles with her ass? Will I bend down to pick it up and be treated to a cool blast of fragrant orange? Or perhaps there will be no effect at all.

As of this morning, the poop appeared normal so I might come home to the answer of my ponderance all over my bathmat.

 plus  = ?

I just ate a lean cusine pepperoni pizza for lunch.

While it was neither lean (380 calories) nor would I call it "cusine," it was pretty darn tasty. Having said that, the cheese on my pizza didn't do much stretching like shown on the box. It kind of crumpled and slid to the pepperonis, which acted as a nice cheese barrier. As for the pepperonis, I only had four on mine, not five as representd on said box. So maybe it was lean..yeah, I'll say the missing pepperoni must have been like 230 or 240 calories so I'm free and clear to eat easter candy all afternoon.

Inter Office Email that just came through. I didn't even send this

 Hi Eric –

My air vent is really annoying.  It's so loud and I can't hear anything when it is on!  Is there anyway that someone can come up to turn it permanently off??  I'm on the 5^th floor behind the elevators. 

Thanks!

Kristi

It didn't use to be this way. My faux-almost office used to be nice and quite with the exception of my volume appropriate music being played or the woman next to me asking a question. But now it sounds like a jet engine testing range thanks to this mother fucker.

They "fixed" our heating vents the other week so now every few minutes this thing goes off with the force of 387 DC-9ers. I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! SHUT UP you metal piece of shit. I can't do anything but wait for you to come back on because I know it's going to happen. I know it's going to happen in four…three….two…one…BAM, THERE IT GOES! You can probably hear it from where you are. Just be thankful you work in an area free of this extreame white noise pollution.

Lori if you leave a comment that says "what" I'm coming up to Baltimore right now to smack you.

NOTE-The vent went on and off four times in the time it took me to write and post this.

I just felt like I was on the brilliant TV show The Office. I was in a meeting with my boss and our head newsletter publishing guy. We were discussing a redesign of a quarterly newsletter I'm responsible for. The newsletter guy asked my boss if the designer should be in contact with me or him and my boss gestured to me. At this point, they slapped my shoulders and sang "who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters!" Which sent them both into hysterics. If there was a camera in the room I would have given it a pained look and the viewers at home would have had extreme empathy for the stupidity of the situation.

My girlfriend sent me a picture of the current issue of Out magazine with Madonna on the cover. We were both really disturbed with how she looked. At first I thought she looked like a lama but then I realized she looks more like a velociraptor. Take a look for your self and see if you can tell the difference.

      oh sexxy beast.  

Maybe I'm just bored or procrastinating the newsletter I need to finish by tomorrow, but I just can't seem to get enough chocolate teddy grahams today. They're especially delectable when you eat two at a time. Position them in a kind of "sayonara world, hola belly" teddy graham 69 for optimal yumminess.