Trailer to THE LAST STRAW....Coming Soon.

Here's a 2001 video clip from Late Night with Conan O'Brien when I tried to teach Conan how to bartend.
Believe me...he was there for two hours and the funny bits you see were just the tip of the iceberg. A very, very funny guy.

Strangely Hypnotic. A Classic.

Just in time for the holidays.  I am honored to be Mr. November in the Hot Hunks of Horror 2009 calendar with all proceeds going to breast cancer research.  Read the press release below for information:

Hot indie horror actors featured in The Hot Hunks of Horror 2009 Calendar to benefit The Lynn Sage Foundation for breast cancer research.


The first annual HOT HUNKS OF HORROR 2009 calendar is available to purchase at  The Hot Hunks of Horror Lulu Store benefiting the Lynn Sage Foundation to promote and fund breast cancer research and support. 100% of the proceeds from this calendar will benefit The Lynn Sage Foundation.


This unique calendar displays 12 of the HOTTEST Independent Horror actors working today.


The gorgeous Brooke Lewis (KINKY KILLERS, iMURDERS), 2009 HOT HUNKS OF HORROR HOTTIE, has written a special foreword to introduce the calendar.  The lovely and talented actress Raine Brown (100 TEARS, BARRICADE) supports and endorses the calendar with a moving tribute included on the calendar.


The actors found in the 2009 HOT HUNKS OF HORROR Calendar are:

David Gilkey - SCULPTURE, TERROR OVERLOAD

Anthony Brownrigg - RED VICTORIA, THEY FEED

Marv Blauvelt - BEEF: YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT, SCULPTURE

Alan Rowe Kelly - THE BLOOD SHED, A FAR CRY FROM HOME

Tony Simmons - 3 DEAD GIRLS,   CARNIES

Justin Alvarez - OUR DEVIL'S NIGHT, STRONGER THAN DEATH

James Furey - SURVIVAL, WALKING DISTANCE

Jeremy Mulkey - SCULPTURE,   STRONGER THAN DEATH

Jeff Dylan Graham - PSYCHOSOMATIKA, HOME SICK

Parrish Randall -THE QUICK AND THE UNDEAD, SLAUGHTER HOUSE

Jerry Murdock - VINDICATION, DOWN THE DRAIN/GALLERY OF FEAR

Clint Glenn - THE QUICK AND THE UNDEAD, THE FLESH KEEPER

The 2009 HOT HUNKS OF HORROR Calendar $20.00 is available now for Print on Demand  purchase at The Lulu Hot Hunks of Horror Store


Hurry!  There's just enough time to buy before the holidays!


The calendar, produced by Andrew Rose and Marv Blauvelt, was designed by Starrla Noble of the Hacker's Source. No one involved was paid for contributing to this effort.


A special HOT HUNKS OF HORROR Calendar signing with many of the calendar models will take place on Saturday, January 17, 2009 from 4 PM until 7 PM at Dark Delicacies at 4213 W. Burbank, in Burbank, California.

Have you ever seen WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S?

This 80's comedy is basically about two poor goofballs trying to prop up a dead guy for a weekend, trying to fool everyone around them that Bernie "the corpse" is actually alive.

All kinds of hilarity ensues as they desperately try to fool everyone that even though Bernie looks lethargic, he is very much alive.  They keep coming up with different schemes and ploys to keep this con game going.

They did a great job fooling everyone. This movie was so successful, they even made a WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S II, where the same two idiots continued to pretend that Bernie was still alive, and they continued to fool everyone.  I think it was during this one that Bernie actually started getting a bit ripe and started to smell awfully bad.  It just got harder and harder to prove to people that Bernie was actually alive. It really was funny stuff.

They never made a BERNIE'S III, though.  My guess is that after awhile, Bernie was inevitably going to start to bloat and stink, and these guys ran out of gimmicks in their little bag of tricks to explain why Bernie turned purple, his flesh began to liquefy, and slimy ooze slithered out of every orifice.  Not to mention Bernie giving off an ungodly stench.  The screenwriters coudn't ignore that fact.

You see, decomposition is a natural process, and no matter how many little schemes and scams these two morons could think of, Bernie was going to rot. The jig would be up, and they couldn't stop the inevitable process of decay.  You can't fool everyone forever…especially when the corpse you're desperately trying to prop up is dead.

This $700 Billion dollar bailout package could easily be referred to as: WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S III: THE BAILOUT

The synopsis of this story would read:

Hilarity and hi-jinks galore as Secretary of the Treasury Hank Paulson and Fed chairman Ben Bernanke pretend the leading financial institutions are still alive by propping them up with trillions of dollars of Government bailouts!  How long can their tricks and scams dupe the American taxpayers into believing that these financial institutions are still alive and kicking? Watch as they stumble from one hair raising situation to another, perpetuating the hoax that the financial institutions can be rescued!

Congress just passed the $700 billion bailout package, and in my opinion, it was a complete waste.  They probably would have been better off with a major jobs program, or even buying the foreclosed homes outright.  Or maybe just have a big party to get our spirits up. 

Even after this latest bailout "solution", the reality is this: The Fed can prop the financial sector up with all the money it can print…$700 billion…$1 trillion… $1 gazillion…$1 tetrajillion….but nothing will bring about a recovery in the U.S. economy.

What's that foul smell?  It's Bernie...I mean...the U.S. economy, silly. 

Paulson and Bernake are trying to convince you otherwise, but the rigor mortis and pungent odor of the financial institutions is starting to stink.

So what happens now?

Unfortunately, I agree with the hundreds of economists that say this plan has little chance of actually solving anything.  In fact, the Fed will continue to throw gas on the bonfire because they can't face and won't acknowledge the TRILLIONS of toxic garbage the financial institutions have on their books. So what CAN they do?

First, the Government has to admit that "pretending" does not mean "reality". I can pretend all I want that my total net worth is $1 trillion dollars.  I can also pretend my pet rock is worth the same amount. However, the harsh reality is that these are not worth the true value I just placed on them. 

The U.S. Government suspended "mark to market" pricing rules for all those toxic assets that are killing financial institutions in the "rescue" bailout plan. (Read about this "shell game" the financial institutions are playing in my Depression blog)

By suspending these rules, the Government is ADMITTING that banks are lying about the value of the crap on their balance sheets.  They know about the amounts of stool these financial institutions hold, but simply won't force them to come clean. They won't admit this figure may be in the TRILLIONS.  Now there will be no way to figure out how much of this "toxic crap" they have and what it's truly worth. (It's more than $700 Billion, I can tell you that)

Look, take a 20 pound pile of shit, slap a shiny coat of gold paint on it, what do you have?

If you're one of these institutions, you've got 20 POUNDS OF GOLD! YOU'RE RICH!

Bernanke and Paulson's "rescue" plan assumes that when the Government buys all the "golden shit" with their $700 Billion, it will encourage financial institutions to start lending again, and will therefore avert the death spiral of the U.S. economy.

It won't.

Banks will still be holding more piles of that "golden shit" than the Fed could ever possibly buy, even with the "monopoly money" they're churning out. Wall Street still smells this "golden shit", as evidenced by the 348 point drop after the House approved the bailout package on Friday.  They simply can't convince the market that the "golden shit" actually smells like a rose. 

You see, Banks will sit on all that money the Fed is going to give them. Banks have no reason, and the government can't make them lend money during the current economic downturn; with rising unemployment, decreased consumer spending, continued foreclosures, and the increasingly gloomy atmosphere hanging over the economy. They're certainly not going to be eager to "pull the trigger" on any loans, knowing the other shoe is about to drop.

Eventually the Fed will print more "funny money" because they'll have to buy more "golden shit" in the not-too-distant future when these loans don't materialize and the economy fails to come around after this bailout. 

You thought $700 Billion was the answer?  Wasn't each of the previous bailouts supposed to correct the problem?  Why do you think this one is different?  Folks, it's just BIGGER, but not any DIFFERENT from the other "successful" bailouts attempted thus far.

Even after the next bailout, the money will still just sit in the banks, just as it did in Japan. (I hate it when history repeats itself) Banks will still hoard the fresh cash Bernanke and Paulson throw their way. The reality is simple; the Fed can print all the funny money they want, but it simply can't force banks to lend or consumers and businesses to borrow.

Wasting the $700 billion is only going make things worse. No jobs will be created by this bailout, salaries are not going to increase, prices for consumer goods and services will not fall, outsourcing will not stop, real estate values will continue to fall and foreclosures are still going to rise. You can't just throw funny money at this problem, and they know it.

This bailout can't and won't save the economy…you watch.

Keep your checkbooks handy.  Uncle Sam will soon come calling again in a few more months with another, larger bailout plan to keep "Bernie" propped up.

Get ready for WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S IV: HOLDING OFF THE MELTDOWN

Soup kitchens, bread lines, Hoovervilles.  Ah, the good old days. 

This current crisis is serious, folks.  Take a minute to read this to see what's really going on, and why I think we're headed into uncharted territory, and a return to Hoovervilles.  I truly hope I'm wrong.

Despite all the bank write-offs, market volatility and the $700 billion dollar bailout controversy …the worst is yet to come.  Yup, I think the United States is going to go bust.  I don't profess to be an expert on economic matters, but I'm enough of a realist to see that the repeated government "solutions" are not doing much good.

Remember that stimulus package? The tax rebates?  Foreclosure "forgiveness"?  How about the Bear Stearns / Fannie Mae /Freddie Mac / AIG bailouts? What about pumping billions of freshly printed cash into the system?

How have these "solutions" worked out? These remedies were supposed to save America from going into a death spiral...which is what's happening with the current crisis.  In my opinion; it's too little, too late, and just puts off the inevitable reckoning that the U.S. is headed for bankruptcy.

The reality is this: politicians talk a good game when they try to "fix" problems they simply can't fix and make promises they just can't keep.  These are multi-TRILLION dollar problems. It took us a long time to get into this mess, and it's going to take an awfully long time to get out…and it ain't going to be pretty. 

Once upon a time, Banks lent out money; lots of it, to people who couldn't pay it back. Last year, an average of 50,000 homes per month went into foreclosure.  Don't think that a bailout will stop this. Property values will continue to fall, and more people will lose their homes.  I think home foreclosures will continue to soar over the next year…bailout or no bailout.  The reality is this; people simply can't afford their mortgages in the current economic crisis as the economy free-falls into the death spiral.

While the housing market was going bust, millions of Americans could no longer use home equity as a personal ATM to pay for all the toys essential to the living good life...the "American Dream".  You know about these essentials, the giant flat-screen HDTV's, souped-up entertainment systems, computers, electronics, flashy cars, SUVs, exotic vacations, and so on. Things people simply couldn't live without.  When they couldn't afford them anymore, they turned to their credit cards to keep up their standard of living.

Credit card debt in the U.S. has approached $1 trillion dollars! This alone is more than the $700 billion tied up in bad loans that is bringing the financial system to its knees. If that's not bad enough, piles of other consumer installment debt have piled up…you know, installment payments…layaway plans…tons of credit schemes.  With that, you can tack on another $1.48 trillion dollars.  That's $2.48 trillion dollars in consumer debt.

To put that amount in perspective, that's more than China makes in a year. It's more than the entire GDP (Gross Domestic Product) of the United Kingdom, Italy, France, Canada, Spain, Brazil, or even Russia. Only they're making that money. We just owe it.

As prices and debts continue to rise, people will cut back more on spending, and even try to pay these debts off, consumer spending is going to decrease… SIGNIFICANTLY. This is more gasoline that is thrown on the bonfire.  Less disposable income will have a major ripple effect (like Hurricane Katrina) on the economy.

What about personal savings to keep the economy moving? The "rainy day fund" needed for bad times? Are you kidding me?  60% of Americans don't even have more than three months of savings socked away.  Americans are tapped out and deep in debt, choking off the consumer spending which is the lifeblood of the economic system.

This decrease in spending leads to the next bust on the horizon that could be even worse for banks and stocks...and devastating for the U.S. economy. No matter how you slice it, "no shopping" is a big economic problem. I'm talking about a complete crash in commercial property, another nail in the coffin.

You see, the banks didn't just lend billions to unqualified homeowners. They also shelled out billions to build "big box" stores, strip malls, fast-food shops, movie theaters, office parks, warehouses, parking garages...and a whole network of businesses that sprung up all around the country. With the current financial crisis, and the US consumer spending less, these businesses are going broke. You think the problem is bad now with crashing home prices?  Just wait and see how things get when commercial real estate goes belly up.  Not if…but WHEN.

Just like defaults on mortgages, defaults on consumer credit payments are also going to soar in the coming year as the economy continues to tank.  With this, expect more bank failures and more turmoil in the markets in the coming year when consumers start to default on their debt.  Only this situation is going to make the current economic crisis look tame in comparison. Why?

Just as they did with mortgage debt, banks and other credit card issuers have packaged up all those credit loans and sold them back to Wall Street. Wall Street then repackaged them again as "safe" debt and sold them as "assets" to the very people who run your retirement funds. Yeah. How does your 401K look now? Get used to the taste of dog food in your golden years. Social Security, you say?  Keep dreaming…that's already long gone. These lousy "assets" bring us to the final nail in the coffin….

Brace yourself for the continuing fallout from accounting rule FAS 157. This is the regulation that says banks can no longer hide what are called "level three" assets on their balance sheets.  What's a "level three" asset, you ask?

Stocks, bonds and all investments you hear about that are traded daily on the stock market are called "level one" investments. They are relatively stable and adequately valued by Wall Street. (For now) The "Level two" assets include the less-traded mortgage-backed investments that blew up late last year. The biggest brokerage houses and banks (Citigroup, J.P. Morgan Chase and Bank of America) have over $4.1 trillion of these level two assets alone. But that's not the biggest problem.

At the top tier are the "level three" assets. Here are the hidden investments that almost never trade. These are the huge private investments and contain enormous slices of the mortgage market and debt-securities.  Banks don't like to talk about them. The CEO's and Wall Street analysts don't want to put an actual put a price on them. They get about as much attention as a step-child at a family reunion.

No one really knows what these "level three" assets are actually worth. The only way for accountants to figure out what they're worth is...to guess. Yup, just give a ball park figure of what you THINK they are worth.

It's called "mark to market" pricing. It means each firm can basically set the value of its own assets, using its own formula. Kind of like you deciding exactly how much your bank account, your car and your house is worth, but without asking anybody to check your math.  Just make up a figure and people will take your word for it.  Hey, shoot for the sky, man.  Make yourself worth quite a bit.  It looks good on the balance sheet.

And that's exactly the problem. Financial firms like Goldman Sachs, Morgan Stanley, Lehman Brothers, Bear Stearns and Merrill Lynch all pretended those hidden assets were worth plenty. But with  FAS 157 cracking down, this shell game is becoming harder for financial institutions to hide these toxic assets, and they simply can't continue to hide them forever. They keep playing the shell game, but the clock is ticking.  It's just a matter of time before the jig will be up.

The scary thing about these "level three" assets is NO ONE, and I mean NO ONE, knows exactly what they're worth.  When the shell game is up, and they finally sort them out and discover their worth; you're going to see more bank failures…BIG ones.

That's the ticking time bomb, folks. These hidden "level three" assets are based on failing subprime loans, the collapsing lenders, and the increasing slice of default consumer debt.  How much?  Once again…no one knows, and no one dares to guess. It would just cause panic, which would just add more gasoline to the fire. 

I personally think it's a WHOLE LOT MORE than $700 billion.  After all, the financial wizards have been so accurate in predicting economic conditions thus far.  Do you think financial institutions will level with Wall Street and tell them how much crap is on their books? Keep dreaming. The shell game continues...but not for long.

So, you think the politicians can save the day? Don't bet on it. The powers that be that got us into this mess are desperately trying to cover their asses. Just look how much success they have enjoyed so far. Who really think another bailout will solve the problem? Do you?  Really?

To save us, Fed chairman Ben Bernanke is killing the value of U.S. currency by printing billions of dollars in funny money. They're just cranking out more and more "Monopoly" money to solve these problems.  The printing press at the Fed is working overtime, and the confetti, I mean money, is just floating into the market like a ticker-tape parade.

Just think of how much new "money" is floating around the world due to the creation of "credit" as the Fed bails out insolvent banks and investment houses. Hell, the Fed just cranked out $680 Billion yesterday…and no one batted an eyelash.  That's almost as much as the $700 billion dollar bailout everyone is bitching about. You think that will work?  Really?

By throwing piles of cash onto the bonfire, this is the only way the Fed figures they can prop up the markets and U.S. economy. As we continue to build up this fragile house of cards, (the value of the U.S. dollar) a big wind is brewing.

Ask the Germans how this strategy worked out after World War 1. With the plunging purchasing power of the U.S. dollar, everything will cost more...LOTS more.  (However, it will look nice as wallpaper when the dollar collapses)

Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson is looking to save his banking buddies on Wall Street with more bailouts. That's like curing an alcoholic by giving him a year's supply of booze.  Give the greedy idiots who got us into the mess the tools to "save" us? Please. They've done such a bang-up job so far. Plus, he claimed if this bailout didn't happen IMMEDIATELY, the system would melt down in "days".  Guess what?  That was almost two weeks ago...still no meltdown.  That speaks volumes about how much he knows.

Barack Obama and John McCain refuse to face the truth on the campaign trail and won't explain how this crisis will alter their promises. Unless they address the pain we are going to feel, and outline the unpopular measures they HAVE to take, don't believe a word of what they say.

Besides, either one of them is destined to be a one-term President, anyway…after the chickens come home to roost. They'll be forced to do some painful things, and will pay the price. (Like Dubya's dad paid for the sins of the Reagan years) Don't even bother asking Sarah Palin, she'll just ramble on about "job creation".

Congress is just looking to get re-elected, and continues to grasp at straws with these "solutions", rather than make the tough choices to get us out of this mess. From the vote this Monday, partisan bickering proves that politics trumps solutions.  Oh yeah, they're set to adjourn for the year.  How nice. Job well done.

If you feel that this is a hopeless situation, here's the silver lining. This crisis which we're going through now...Japan already went through almost 17 years ago. Japanese property value fell as much as 90%, and their stocks tanked even after they lowered interest rates to zero. The government also offered "bailouts" and flooded liquid assets into their market to no effect. They've just recently emerged from their crisis.  17 years later.  I think we're in this for the long haul folks: a two-decade economic correction that will change our way of life.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe these "bailouts" will work. Maybe time will prove Bernanke and Paulson as geniuses.  Maybe the stock market will roar back as the American economy stages a surprise comeback and house prices soar through the ceiling.  Maybe these "level three" assets regain their value.  Maybe…

Then again, maybe you'll just win the lottery and none of this will matter.

How bad do I think this will get? Pretty bad.  

Brace yourselves for tough times.

Principal photography wrapped on DOWN THE DRAIN yesterday in the crumbling warehouses of Paterson, NJ.  It was a whirlwind week, where everyone pulled together to bring this sucker home and put it to bed.

This has exceeded every expectation of how I thought it would turn out.  It truly morphed into one crazy, funny, demented little movie.  I want to thank all the actors who shined, and brought a different level of insanity to the project: Miguel Lopez, Jessie May Laumann, Raine Brown, Robert Norman, Mike Lane, Tom Lanier, Henry Borriello...and Shane Kuhlman for being the only grounded soul amid a sea of insanity. We all laughed our asses off and turned in some wild, funny, crazy moments.  You won't be disappointed with DOWN THE DRAIN, I promise.

A special thanks goes to the director, Alan Rowe Kelly who righted the ship early after a rough start and got all the kinks out early on.  He essentially turned us all loose to act as insane as possible, and grabbed some great stuff to work with.  Now the real work begins as he wades through all that footage and tries to actually put the movie together. Good luck cutting it all together, Alan. (It doesn't help staring at my mug all day)

And a BIG shout out to the Director of Photography, Dominic Sivilli.  This guy shot amazing stuff that gives DOWN THE DRAIN a unique look.  He really brought his "A" game...and had to tackle all the techical aspects of the film as well (with some very special assistance from Leigh Ann Sacco).  I hope this film opens some doors from him.  Hey, at least it will keep him off the streets.

Now that it's over, I crawl back to my other life and wait by the phone for the next call to play some other freak in another production.  I can also shave off this damn moustache.

This was a tough shoot.  I took some abuse, got my lumps (not to mention a rusty nail in my foot, an infection, a tetanus shot and antibiotics), and woke up this morning feeling like I had been hit by a bus. Poor Stanley really took a licking in this flick, but I truly believe in the end...it's all going to be worth it.  It's going to be a crazy movie.

I put some new pix up, and will keep y'all updated on the progress.  I really think you're going to dig it. 

I had the good fortune of attending the final concert of THE POLICE Thursday, August 7th at Madison Square Garden.  They ride off into the sunset after this gig, and a void has been filled in my pathetic life.

I grew up with this band, and to say that I was fanatical about them would be putting it mildly.  I was too young to catch them in 1983, as they broke up soon after the SYNCHRONICITY tour.  I had always hoped they would reunite, but after 20 or so years, I slowly forgot about the chances of seeing my favorite band live. I moved onto other things, other interests, and knitting.

I also moved on to appreciate other great bands like Earth Wind and Fire, Kajagoogoo, Warrant, Milli Vanilli, Wang Chung, and The New Kids On The Block, but in my world,  The Police always remained THE BAND.  I just never thought I would ever be fortunate enough to see them live.  (Kind of like my unfulfilled wish of seeing Elvis live)

2007-2008 completed the circle.  I was glad to catch them 4 times on this reunion tour, and now I can cross this wish off the great to-do list of life.  (I just have to climb Mount Everest, swim across the English Channel, trek to the South Pole, run across Death Valley, hitch-hike across the Middle East and then visit The Statue of Liberty and my to-do list of life will be complete).

It was good while it lasted. I'm just glad they didn't attempt to make more music.  As talented as they are, they would be walking into a buzzsaw of whiners and complainers if they tried to make a new album.  The five albums they created still stand the test of time, and their legacy remains intact.  You can now stick a fork in 'em.

The Police

1977-2008

R.I.P.

Now, if ABBA would just get back together, I could die a happy man.

This ditty is about the American economy and porn.  Strange bedfellows, I know...but an illustration on the benefits of government subsidies to aid that great American art form...pornography.

The wheels are coming off the wagon, folks.  Not only did the Dow Jones suffer the worst June since the Great Depression, oil prices continue to rise, which could eventually cripple the US economy.  Today, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac (the nation's largest mortgage brokers) are close to collapse, and the government is considering taking on an additional $5,000,000,000,000 (that's right...TRILLION) in debt to bail them out. Yup, things are bad, and are going to get a LOT worse.

What will save us?  Why...the economic stimulus checks, silly!  You know...the $150 billion the government borrowed to pump into the shaky economy. The fragile house of cards which is the US economy is essentially being dealt with by shaking the foundation in which it sits on. That's the American way: spend ourselves out of a fiscal crisis rather that resort to responsible economic choices. 

Anyway, you pervert. You came here looking for porn, so I'm going to give it to you. (Admit it...it certainly wasn't the mention of Bush that piqued your interest). It seems that those stimulus checks stimulated a whole lot more than the economy. 

Kirk Mishkin, Head research consultant for the Adult Internet Research Markting Company (they study adult websites for...ahem...marketing purposes) stated that porn sites experienced a dramatic increase in sales during the weeks people received their economic stimulus checks.

Mishkin stated "Many of the sites we surveyed have reported 20-30% growth in membership rates since mid-May when the checks were first sent out, and typically the summer is a slow period for this market."

Apparently, the sagging economy was not the only thing that was "stimulated" by the checks. It really is a "New Deal" for the 21st Century. Now,  its time for you to do your part; SAVE AMERICA!! BUY PORN!! So, if you need some suggestions to consider before you spend that check, here are some titles I would highly recommend: