I feel like there is this giant gaping hole in front of me and I'm staring down into it and saying to myself "Well it can't be too bad, right?" glancing across at the others diving into it and thinking how beautiful they are and how all I want to do is fall next to them, be one of them, be accepted, be popular, be this, be that.

It's like careening into a wall and having all the time in the world to stop yourself, but not wanting to, or not knowing how to. Waking up every day and thinking life is monotonous and maybe drugs and chaos don't seem so bad, especially if they break up the monotony. That is not to say I'm considering becoming a drug addict, not at all. It means that I can see why people do it. To lose themselves, to lose myself would be a refreshing feeling. My mind is a constant voice of clutter and confusion in my head, one with no off switch.

Even now as I write this I feel that hole before me whispering to me, tempting me to just take that last step, close my eyes, and feel the rush of wind that comes with falling into oblivion. It is that feeling that scares me the most. It is that feeling of throwing yourself down a hole and not caring what is on the bottom, or if there is a bottom, or if you'll survive that terrifies me. I am, or at least I was a very logical person. To do something without fully understanding the consequences is not something I boast doing very often, if at all.

However, in the war of my mental state I feel irrationality is like the ocean and reason and logic the dunes, and the fight is one-sided until the end. So how do I stop it? How do I reinforce? My first instinct was to coil into myself and figure this one out on my own, but then there is that one person I just want to hold and be held by and it occurred to me that person makes me feel grounded, makes me realize who I am.

The one question that I cannot answer yet, that still lingers in my mind, is the most terrifying one of them all.

Am I going crazy?