Sooooooo....I went to this magical mystical event called Texas Frightmare Weekend a couple years ago and had fun meeting Lloyd Kaufman of Troma Fame, and that's about all I met that trip....oh yeah and Ari Lehman (sic) the original Jason (you know, the one that pops out of the water at the end of the first Friday the 13th), who played keyboards for a band called Freak 13 on a song called Crystal Lake....the dude looked like a Vampire, no lie.
Fast forward to the last weekend in February 2008 and Oakley and I load up in the Malibu and head down to Mesquite, TX to meet up with G-Dubb and Misty. G-Dubb let me know a few weeks in advance that we could volunteer at the event and avoid paying the entry fee, work a bit, then browse the vendors and maybe even view some movies and seminars. Sounded like a plan, we're not the most financially sound, so saving the 25 bucks a day entry fee was fine with me.
On the way down, Oakley entertained me with conversation because it's late and I'm getting mad sleepy at the wheel. I had driven to lawton and back to Norman that same night to visit my cousin for his 30th birthday party. We're getting old. Back to the subject, Oakley and I somehow get on the subject of misinterpreted song lyrics, she admitted that when she first heard TLC's "Waterfalls", she heard the chorus as "Go Go Jason What A Foe" or something like that, I'm probably misinterpreting her misinterpretation. I sheepishly revealed that I heard the line "Don't you know, if you change, things will go your way" from Wilson Phillips "Hold On" as "Don't you know choo choo train, things will go your way." But even more embarrassing I remember the first time I heard the chorus of "Why can't we be friends" as "My Pet Weenie's There." I was nine....I was a warped child.
I downed two Monsters...I crashed hard from the sugar. Not as bad as the people on the highway near Mesquite, TX though. We were less than 6 miles from G-Dubb's house and saw 4 accidents. It was willlld, they weren't like "Oops, I ran into your rear end" accidents either, more like "WWOOOOO I'M DRUNK AND AM EATING TACO BELL OOOOOHHH SHIT A SEMI!!!!!" crashes. Texans were driving off the hill and onto the service road to avoid waiting for cleanup. These mothafuckas were driving in reverse down on-ramps. Even with cops who had road flares at the bottom of the ramp, they didn't care. They wanted their whataburger, and wanted to get home.
We finally get to G-Dubb's and he tells us that highway is a death road after the club's let out. What a way to cap off a night of sipping Shiner Bocks and dancing to T-Pain and Akon hooks....death.
We get a little sleep, get ready for the day and head all the way across dallas to Grapevine, where we show up for the convention. We check in at the front desk where I cram myself into a 2xl tee and we're shown the green room, the potty, and then we head to the talent section. We're told to ask movie folks if they need anything, take food orders, and what not. So that works out well for about 20 minutes.
Next thing I know, I'm manning the Elvira line...a line for Elvira, with no Elvira at either end. Folks at the Convention, think it's a good idea to hand tickets to 50 people at a time so they don't wait all day in line for autographs. We give tickets to the first 50 folks and tell them to come back at noon, Elvira should show around 12:30.
12:30 passes.
Line forms.
Line is anxious
12:45 comes.
People who didn't get tickets start getting in line.
1:00
No-Vira
1:15
Line Longer
Elvira's Manager shows up along with a really buff girl, like Linda Hamilton Terminator 2 buff, not Chyna buff, who sets up Elvira's merchandise. Apparently Elvira is having nail trouble.
1:30
I think she shows up, I dunno, people are getting anxious and some really weird older lady is hovering around the Elvira table, I think in hopes to get a picture of her, or cut in line cuz she's only 4 foot 2 and maybe she thought she could crawl between my legs or something.
It's chaos, the Elvira line is blocking the Vendors, the girls from Rob Zombie's halloween are back and there are twisty turny lines everywhere. George Romero's and Malcom McDowell's are under control, Oakley is doing a bang up job. People are trying to slide into Elvira's table by small talking with Courtney Gains then making a b-line into hers, it just sucks. I get pretty agitated a few times, especially when people smash into each other like they're trying to be front row at a sweet ass Bon Jovi concert.
G-Dubb takes a food order from us, and we stay on the lines for a while til he comes back. More pushing, more crowding...fucking Elvira is selling her straws she's drinking from to horror fans. I got some of my used popsicle sticks here on my desk, I haven't thrown out, should I put them on Ebay?
We get to take lunch and in the green room, an italian journalist is interviewing Edwin Neil, the hitchhiker from the first Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I don't really listen in, because I was mad hungry at this point. I know I carry a lot of reserves but dammit I needed sustenance!
When we head back down the line is totally topsy turvy. They shut down Romero's line, weaved Elvira fans into Malcolm's old line, because his line had diminished throughout the course of the day to a manageable length. Halloween Girls and Elvira's lines are both still crazy. People are trying to walk through and some stumble into Elvira's area and have to be asked to leave because not only do we have to keep the fire exit near her clear, we don't want to agitate people in line who might see folks just cutting in. It gives me a headache...but as hard as it was, I was still amped for the rest of the weekend.
That night we get to go to the VIP party, I think that's what it was. The fans at the convention could attend for an additional 65 dollars, and there were a lot there. The scariest thing to me, is there was a dude there in a muscle shirt with smeared make up all over his body and a duffle bag. WHO THE FUCK DOES THAT??!?! A DUFFLE BAG?!?!? ARE YOU SERIOUS??!?! Some stars were there, most bounced early. So the party ended up being a bunch of Party Pass sausages and what seemed like even more Press Pass Sausages...There was also acoustic Ghoultown, and a bad comedian...really bad comedian. He was like Carrot Tops unfunnier cousin. Sorry guy, I'm a tough crowd.
The cheese was good, the drinks were overpriced, I found the G-Spot in the back of the buffet area. Oakley got a pic with Danielle Harris...I'd seen Tom Savini earlier, but by the time we moved around the party to find him, he'd dipped or maybe he was in the Smeared Make-Up guy's Duffle Bag. A FUCKING DUFFLEBAG!!!!
We head out, G-Dubb and Misty Swim in the hotel pool. I play imaginary ping pong, and check the ladies room for rapists. There were no rapists.
We hit the highway and eat at an IHOP filled with a bunch of overly made-up teenie bopper dancers. It was tasty.
Sleep.
Sunday, as I come in, they tell me that the Elvira line is covered, but there is no one at the screening room. Sweet, we head up there and watch a fantastically horrible movie called "Bloodsuckers from Outer Space." I want to own it.
We get through that, and Dee Wallace Stone is next to accept a lifetime achievement award from the singer of the aforementioned Freak 13. She talks about her movie experiences and what not, I'm asked to escort her back to her table. We stop at the alacart table and see that Ralph Nader is running, she says she wants Nader in office. Heading back to her table, I see Oakley manning Ken Foree's table while he is doing his seminar on Dawn of the Dead.
I go back to the screening room where members of the Dawn of the Dead cast are talking about the movie and it's remake and other randomness. I think I'm supposed to take them back down stairs but they seem to have everything under control, so I just follow them back down.
Oakley and I are asked to go sit at the horror writers table during their seminar. This girl at a vendor table behind us keeps looking over, and I keep looking back, trying to figure out how I know her. This past monday evening it hits me while Slack was recording. She was a dancer at Night Trips in Lawton, she didn't have her bridge piercing anymore. So, if you're reading this, sorry for not saying Hello, I couldn't remember your name or how to place you.
After that we didn't really do anything, all the lines were dying they told us to look around at the vendors, I got some sweet shirts, scored a bomb ass NKOTB button, then we wandered around and asked movie type folks for pics and autographs. Everyone was very cool, but the guys from the Original Night of the Living Dead and Edwin Neil were the coolest of all.
George Romero wanted us to do shots with him straight from a bottle of Absolut. We wrote hate mail to Dario Argento on the back of Romero's 8x10's.
After that, we started taking stuff down and getting people ready to leave, I had a great time and by my pics you can see I met a lot of folks.
Thanks to G-Dubb, Misty, Scott, Jeb, and everyone at TFW for a great weekend! I could write more but I've been longwinded enough and i'm missing most of my movie.
Visit Phantom's haunted house and the next TFW.