i opened myself up today
with a dull pocket knife blade
and the rust felt coarse as the
sides of the blade grazed my
warm brown skin.

it's pretty obvious the way
you feel when your guts have
been spilled all over the dirty carpet
that hasn't been cleaned in months...
ready to cry, vulnerable, embarrassed,
and hesitant to try and save any remains.
but mostly regretting ever digging that
knife into your chest.

i stood there with a blank stare as you
asked what the fuck i was doing.
and i didn't have an answer.

but you don't like blood, or guts.
and didn't want mine, so i picked
up what vital body parts i could hold
in two arms and stuffed them back
inside the best i could.

i didn't get them all, but if you find
any, keep them. they were for you.
-----

if i keep cutting my chest open,
i don't know what i'll have to offer
the monsterslayer when everything's gone.
she's going to be left hungry. and my meat
will have been entirely consumed.

time to bulk up.
for her sake.

that when you don't learn from your mistakes,
you can safely be called a fool.
-----
i'm one of those guys.

you make me feel. strongly. - same
you let me take care of you. - same
you keep things to yourself often. - same
you give me good advice. - same
you don't ask me for help when you need it. - different
you always want to do something, even when you're feeling shitty or tired. - different.
you admit to be as lost as me about everything. - different
you have a genuinely good taste in music. - different
you are always smiling. at me. - different
you take pictures of me. - different
you own asimov. - different
i feel comfortable with you and past boyfriends hanging out. - different
i've been more than honest about my intentions. - different
you hang out with 40 year old anarchists. - different
you know who lloyd kaufman is. - different
you are a good artist. - different
you don't get ahead of yourself. - different
our time always feels too short. - different
you have lived a harder life than me. - different
you are far beyond your years. - different
we are being honest with ourselves. - different
i like the pace we're going at. - different
i like your friends. - different
your friends (some) hate me. - same
you won't take me to high school dances. - different (thanks)
my old friends like you. - different
i would change my plans for you. - same
my life is better with you. - same
your life is better with me. - different
-----
i still know nothing about you
and i still know this is never
going to fully work, but i also
know i don't care. i'm willing
to feel what i've been feeling
since october again just for you.
i know what i felt then can't be replaced
but maybe it can be improved and you
might help me be able to rebuild and to see that.
let me know if this sounds like something
you'd be interested in. i don't care if i have
to drive you everywhere and have you home
early.

oh yeah also,
your street name rhymes with Shimano. - different.

how much a person can change you in year.

i'd do it a million times.

the question isn't whether the weather

is suitable for sailing. it's whether it's

weathered enough for me.

i have been abroad far too long

and it seems as though i am married

to the sea.

-----

1) Are you really ready for 100 questions?

hell the fuck yeah

2) Was your last kiss a mistake?
no, it was quite intentional

3) Do you believe in God?
i don't think about it.

4) Who did you last say "I love you" to?
her.

6) What's your ringtone?
time to pretend intro

7) Have a best friend?
not really. i am close to a couple of people though.

8) Are you a boy or girl?
man. haha.

10) How do you want to die?
tomorrow.

11) What did you last drink?
a pabst

12) Last call?
max

13) Tom from My Space is about to go to jail, what's your first thought?
he was my first friend. aww.

14) Do you have an attitude?
a bad one? not usually.

16) Ever wanna be in love?
again? no. no time soon thanks.

17) How much do you text?
thousands of times a month.


18) Like reading?
yeah, actually... sadly.

19) Are you gonna get high later?
do i ever get high? the answer is no.

20) Do you hate anyone at the moment?
only if i think about it.

21) Do you miss someone?
oh yeah. heaps.

21) Twirl or cut your spaghetti?
i'm a twirler.


22) Who is your best friend's brother's wife's daughter's boyfriend?
jeb.

24) Do you tan a lot?
i'm already very tan.

25) How exactly are you feeling?
lackadaisical. otiose. pensive. arrogant. solitary.

26) Ever eat food in a car while someone or your self is driving?
yeah if i'm in a rush

28) Have you ever started a rumor?
probably.

30) Are Barbie & Ken bad influences on people?
maybe subconsciously

31) Do you regret anything from your past?
no, not right now.

32) What are you listening to?
empathy on a stick- the ladies

33) Do you want to make babies?
not really.

34) Ever kissed somebody thats name started with an E?
no.


35) Do you type fast?
fast enough

36) Do you have piercings?
fuck no.

38) Can you spell well?
extremely. typically.

39) What do you miss most about your past?
china libre.

40) What are you craving right now?
another beer

43) Does somebody love you?
yeah i think so.

60) Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
yeah, we're great. thanks for asking.

61) Are you secretly liking someone?
uhm, i'm not going to get into that.

62) Do you believe your ex thinks about you?
only when she sees i've given all her stuff away because it would kill me a little more to see her again.

63) Who is ur 6th best friend?
the sixth highest gear on my bike

64) Have you ever been betrayed by a best friend?
like when my chain snapped and my bike jabbed 4 teeth from the chainring into my calf? yeah, stupid bike. stupid best friend.

65) Your hair color?
black


66) Is your house big?
2100ish

67) Where is your cat at?
in kitty heaven maybe. or in a set of another cat's testicles and has not yet been born...

68) Have you ever walked outside in the rain?
who hasn't? god, what a dumb fucking question. 

69) Do you think you're a good person?
no. no chance.

70) Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
yeah, probably.

71) Do you take drugs?
not even the ibuprof.

72) Last time you had a nice bubble bath?
age 6?

74) Whats your middle name?
gilbert. with an o at the end.


75) Do you play the Wii?
not since last spring.

76) How do you feel about Wal-Mart?
indifferent. i hate going there.

77) How long have you had a myspace?
beginning of junior year?

78) Who has inspired you the most?
as far as creative endeavors go, i'd have to say a collection of artists, writers and scientists collectively 

79) worst pick up line?
hey, so do you wanna come over to my place for some pizza? maybe some sex?

80)How old will you be in 3 months?
nearly 21 and a half


81) Are you mean?
yeah, so mean. i'll hurt you by the way that i walk.

82) Can you keep white shoes clean?
probably. i don't know.

83) Do you believe in true love?
like, the one where you give everything you have to her and completely change your lifestyle for her only to be told that she wants her freedom after almost a year only for her to start dating again in two weeks kinda love? yeah, it happens all the time.

84)Do you like roller coasters that go upside down?
no. i really don't get off on adrenaline. lame stuff.

85) Are you proud of the person you've become?
not really. i'm lame.

86) Do you wanna change?
yeah, but not yet.

87) Do you like to be outside?
all the time.

88)what are you looking forward to?
next summer/fall.

89) Are you bored?
maybe trying to fall asleep.

90) Do you want to get married?
maybe for fun someday.

91) Ever fail a class?
no. D is passing.

92) Are you hungry?
not anymore.

93) Do you have a bank account?
yeah, and i was loaded up until last week.

94) What makes you happy?
loooong bike rides. running into 36 year old stock advisers on I road and talking about titanium frames.

95) Would you change your name?
yeah, i think so.

96) Do you know how to skateboard?
course.

97) Are you paranoid?
of what? no.

98) Do you watch the news?
sometimes.

99) What is your zodiac sign?
gaybra. 

100) How does your bf/gf feel about there ex?
how does whoever wrote this feel about misproperly using homonyms? i bet they feel like a fucking idiot.

on occasion,

it still fucking hurts.

 

goddamn.

Name somet​hing you like about​ the day you'​re havin​g?​
i won a court case for no brakes on my bike.

Do you know anyon​e named​ Matt?​
maybe 7 or 8

What color​ is your hair?​
black

Is your hair natur​ally curly​ or strai​ght?​
wavy

Last bever​age you consu​med?​
chocolate milk at lunch.

Who was the last perso​n you talke​d to on the telep​hone?​
randi

Who was the last perso​n you took a pictu​re with?​
tuesday night, with landon and ellen and christ.
at the democratic election party

Is there​ anyth​ing stres​sing you out curre​ntly?​
not really. maybe next semester a little.

Have you ever chang​ed cloth​es in a vehic​le?​
indeed.

Who did you last go out to eat with?​
ellen i think. pretty sure.

Is the sun shini​ng?​
setting almost.

How many hours​ of sleep​ do you get every​ night​?​
from 5 to 8. enough.

Have you ever in anywa​y,​ been betra​yed by someo​ne you trust​?​
yes. very much so.

Are your ears gauge​d?​
no. gross.

What are you doing​ right​ now?
waiting to be interviewed

What color​ is your shirt​?​
dark blue

Have you ever kisse​d anyon​e who'​s name start​ed with a J?
yeah. a couple.

Are you in a good mood?​
basically.

Do you prefe​r warm or cold weath​er?​
hot. i am not enjoying the weather lately.

What do you wear more jeans​,​ sweat​pants​,​ or slack​s?​
slacks and jeans the same. never sweatpants. ew.

Your favor​ite fruit​?​
grapes.

Do you get offen​ded easil​y?​
it depends on what was said or done.

What were you doing​ this morni​ng at 7am?
woke up then went back to sleep.

How many diffe​rent bever​ages have you had today​?​
one.

Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach​?​
i haven't been to the beach in well over two years.

Are any of your great​-​grand​paren​ts still​ alive​?​
no.

Do you have any nickn​ames?​
i don't think i have any.

Is there​ anyth​ing pink withi​n 10 feet of you?
sticky notes

How'​s your heart​ latel​y?​
a lot better. thanks to a very sweet girl.

Are you a forgi​ving perso​n?​
yeah, i get over (most) things fast.

How tickl​ish are you?
extremely.

How is your hair?​
short. waiting for it to be long again.

Where​ is your cell phone​?​
in ma back pocket.

What'​ s the last thing​ you put in your mouth​ ?
chocolate milk.

Do you belie​ve ex's can be frien​ds?​
if you didn't really love them.
otherwise it's hell seeing them again.

Who was last to cook for you?
my momma.

Do you know what you' re weari​ng tomor​row?​
not at all.

REVEAL A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF:

NOW

Is your hair up?: no
Is your phone right beside you?: no
Do you have a bf/ gf?: no thank you.
Do you wish you were somewhere else?: sometimes. right now: yes.
Do you have plans for tonight?: yes.
Are you wearing makeup?: no
Are you wearing chapstick?: no
Are you cold?: oh yeah.
Are you tired?: maybe a little.
Are you excited?: yes. good things are coming my way.
Are you watching t.v.?: no
Are you wearing pajamas?: no
Who's the last person you IMed? mo
Who's the last person that called you? billy

PAST

Anything you regret? yes
Ever lied?: yes
Ever stuck gum under a desk?: never
Ever spit at someone? two people ever. i made it up to one.
Ever kick something living?: butts all the time.
Ever had your nails done?: no.
Ever thrown up because you cried so hard?: no.

REVEAL A LITTLE ABOUT YOURSELF:

LAST WEEK

Had any plans last week?: lots
Who did you see most last week?: ben, max, and landon, and my mama and papa
Was last week interesting? i would say yes.


TODAY

Have you cussed?: yes
Have you yelled at someone? some fifth graders
Have you gotten mad at someone? not today.
Have you cried? no
Have you called more than 3 people?: no
Have you IMed more than 3 people?: no
Have you eaten anything gross? school lunch was just a tiny bit gross.

SPILL YOUR GUTS

Q.


First thing you did this morning?:
showered


Q.


Last thing you ate?:
chicken soup with a grilled cheese sandwich and chocolate milk

Q.


What's something you look forward to most in the next 6 weeks?
CYHSY in aspen and seeing friends in boulder.

Q.


What's annoying you right now?
the temperature.

Q.


What's the last movie you saw?
The Year of Living Dangerously by peter weir

Q.


Do you believe in long distance relationships?:
no way. i would hate that.


Q Where is the last place you went?:
work.

Q: Who is the last person you called?:
Shmaxshwell

Q: Been cheated on?:
i'm not sure. probably.

Q: Do you think that someone is thinking about you right now?
i doubt it. unless you're reading this.

Q: Choose one to have (love, beauty, creativity):
creativity. i seriously wish i was creative.

Q: Do you wish on stars?:
maybe once.

Q: Does it work?:
no.

Q: Do you untie your shoes every time you take them off?
i only have two pairs with shoelaces. and one is pair is my running shoes.

Q: When did you last cry? .
last week sometime.

Q: Do you like your handwriting?
it's alright.

Q: Are you a friendly person?
sometimes. if you seem interesting.
i know, i'm a dick.

Q: Are you keeping a secret from the world?
not that i can think of.

Q: Who's bed did you sleep in last night?
no bed.

Q: What color shirt are you wearing?
navy blue damn it.

Q: Do you have any pets?
not personally

Q: What is the color of your bedsheets?
light blue

Q: What were you doing at 9 last night?
burning some brown rice in the kitchen. haha.

Q: last person you talked to : .
the ladies at work.

Q: When is the last time you saw your dad?
yesterday afternoon.

Q: Look to your left:
yeah...

Q: Ever cried yourself to sleep?
a couple times. not long ago.

Q: Ever cried on your friends shoulder?
maybe a little.

Q: Song that makes you cry?
Sometimes. Frontwards. most sigur ros.

Q: Are you a normally happy person?
i try to be. depression's lame.

Q: Is your self-esteem low?
not anymore. it's getting back up to where it used to be.

Q: What color are your eyes?
brown.

Q: Long or Short Hair :
short right now.

Q: Current Music?
El Guincho.

Are you dating anyone right now?
noo.

Are you happy right now?
yes.

Why is your myspace song what it is?
los hombres g is about a boy who wants
his girl back. which is how i used to feel when
i posted it.

What was the first thing you did when you woke up this morning?
showered. i think i'm doing the same one again :(

Who was last in the car with you?
max

Do you like to read?
sometimes.

Are any of your friends taller than you?
a lot.

Do you miss anyone?
yeah.

Can you sleep without blankets covering you?
not usually.

Will you be in a relationship in 4 months?
i hope not.

Do you hate when people smoke around you?
smoke weed yeah, cigs are whatev, but definitely not hookah.

Where are you right now?
landon's room!

Ever gone skinny dipping?
yes.

Have you ever felt replaced?
yes.

Do you sleep with the closet doors open or closed?
there are no closet doors in my room.

Do you have someone else's clothing on right now?
no.

Watching anything on tv?
no.

Who was the last person to smoke a cigarette in your presence?
billy probably.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
it's an automatic strangler-belt.

What were you doing at midnight last night?
falling asleep.

Would you date someone 20 years older than you?
maybe. i doubt it.

Are you waiting for something?
yeah. class to start.

Will you talk to someone on the phone tonight?
i have no idea.

Did you get a full 8 hours of sleep last night?
i got about 7 i think.

If there was a huge spider in your room would you stay in there?
how big? i'd let it go outside. honest.

Is your current hair color your natural hair color?
yes.

Do people ever mistake you for being a different race?
all the time. apparently i look polynesian or asian? haha.

Have you hugged anyone in the last 72 hours?
yeah.

When's the last time you did something you knew was wrong?
tuesday.

Is there a guy/girl that knows everything or mostly everything about you?
no. she's forgotten all about me.

How many different houses have you lived in throughout your life?
6

Do you trust all of your friends?
moderately.

Have you ever had a best friend who was of the opposite sex?
two.

Are you anything like you were at this point last year?
yeah, mostly identical.

Do you ever think "what if" about anything?
all the fucking time.

Do you judge people you don't know?
everybody. whether you act differently based on that is
what makes you intolerant or accepting. i'm generally
accepting.

Dark hair or light hair in the opposite sex?
dark. or extremely light, like almost white.

Who are your favorite people to talk to when you're down?
ben, max, landon.

Have you ever slept in a bed with the same sex?
yeah.

What are you listening to right now?
The Ruby Suns

Are you keeping a big secret right now?
no.

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for?
no. like i said, she's forgotten completely about me.
it's as if it never happened.

How do you feel about that?
it hurt. but i'm slowly getting over it.

Do you prefer to take showers at night or in the morning?
night if i rode the trainer, morning usually.

Do you hate the last person you kissed?
no i really like her.

Do you answer your phone?
mostly.

Who was the last person to make you laugh?
ben

If you found out you couldn't have kids, would you adopt?
if i wanted kids to begin with.

Do you regret dating anyone you dated?
yeah. seriously. what a waste of time.

Is there someone you know you should hate but you cant?
haha. i shouldn't hate him, he's just not hateable.

Do you write notes on your hand?
not usually

Last person you texted?
randi

Do you have a best friend(s)?
i'd like to think so.

How many pillows do you sleep with?
two

If you're being extremely quiet what does that mean?
that i'm tired or sad. or bored.

Do you think you are a good person?
i don't think about that too much.
generally speaking yeah.

Is there a person of the opposite sex who means a lot to you?
you could say that.

Do you hate anyone?
i shouldn't but yeah.

What are you wearing on your feet?
long black socks.

Have you ever had a really big fight with a best friend?
yeah, we're friends again though, i just sent him a letter yesterday.

If you were at a reasonable age, would you prefer a baby boy or girl?
girl probably. so i could be protective.

Is there someone you'd like to fix things with?
i don't know. whatever.

Do long distance relationships work?
i've never tried and i don't ever want to find out if they do or not.

Do you think you can last in a relationship for three months?
i know i can. i'll just be smarter about it next time.

Could you go out in public looking like you do now?
always.

If you were born the opposite sex, what would your parents name you?
hopefullly something like Marisol

How do you calm down when you're extremely angry?
i bike or run really fast. or drink then run really fast.

What are you doing tomorrow?
just class in the morning then nothing all day.
maybe i'll man up against the freezing weather and
try to go on a ride.

Is anything on your mind?
a lot of things.

What is your all-time favorite romance movie?
buffalo '66

What's your current problem?
i'm kinda hungry.

Have you ever had your heart broken?
once. goddamn her.

Do you believe in the statement: once a cheater always a cheater?
not necessarily.

How many kids do you want to have?
1 or two at most.

Do you know someone who likes you?
yes, but i'm still not sure how much she likes me.

What did you do today?
woke up at 8:30, went to class early, went to work early,
went to court, won my case, and now i'm waiting for my other class.

Last person you had a heart-to-heart conversation with?
i don't know exactly what that means.

Are you passing school?
barely. i'm trying a lot harder.

fall is amazing.
it's yellow, it's brisk
it's beautiful.
-----
this season has never failed to
impress me
aesthetically,
sentimentally,
physically,
or temperamentally.

fall is death.
it's the impending doom of
deciduous foliage, outdoor swimming,
single-layered-outfits and late-hour
bike rides. it's the end of things
once pure and beautiful.
things that are now over.

and in its terminal nature
sprout things more magnificent.
things more pure, lovely
and fulfilling. it's nothing
new to say that the
decaying bodies of
flowers too sensitive
for colder air and
lesser light will soon
lay ground for new flowers
the following spring.

i had forgotten how good this
season made me feel. fall makes
me feel like there is no end.
it makes me feel like i have
new flowers to look forward to.
like everything will come full
circle and everyone will get what
they deserve. at the end of the fall right before
that sad state of winter, i just hope that everything
comes full circle and we all get what we deserve.
i think we all deserve a nice flower.