"All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi,
and she wouldn't give it to me."
-- Suicidal Tendencies, Institutionalized
There's a TV commercial in which some jackass is bitching about how the 125 calories in his vitamin-enhanced flavored water will make him have to do 4 trillion extra sit-ups.
I'm probably the only person in America screaming at the television, "SO FUCKING DRINK PLAIN WATER, YOU STUPID ASS!"
After all, who wants to drink boring old water when you can drink something that's like uncarbonated soda? We want to quench our thirst with extra calories.
But the thing that really makes me start going all Lewis Black is that it's a commercial for a low-calorie vitamin-enhanced flavored water.
Somebody on Madison Avenue dropped the ball right there. That could have been the best Poland Spring commercial ever in the history of advertising, but no.
I went looking for some Poland Spring water this morning, but in all six coolers in the cafeteria, there was no REGULAR WATER.
Yes, they had eighty-twelve-hundred varieties of aspartame-sweetened, vitamin-inflused, pastel-colored, fruit-flavored, SMART-LIFE-SPLASH waters... but no regular water.
No Poland Spring. No Aquafina. Not even a got-dang Dasani.
When did the backlash against water start, anyway? The pollsters didn't ask me.