How do you say goodbye to the love of your life?

I don't think you can and I don't want to. I want to remember him.

Those of you here who knew what I was like before Andy, know how he changed my life for the better.

He did the one thing no one else ever managed, he made me happy.

I met Andy just over 2 years ago at Loot 2005, after ending up at a party in his room, before running off with his booze. He wasn't pleased, but was suitably impressed I'd managed to steal it without him noticing. So, several drunken hours later, a Scot with a cheeky grin ruffled my hair and declared, "I like you!" Before running off. Thinking about that makes me laugh as we found out 10 months later, at that time, we both had crushes on each other. At L06 (rag conference 2006) we finally got together. After 3 days of flirting, we had our first kiss. I remember it mainly for Andy's smug grin after and him telling me he'd wanted to do that since we met.

Andy would be laughing at me now and rolling his eyes, because I was never sentimental before him and he found it hilarious I would get all mushy sometimes and he would tease me mercilessly. We had a good year together and although every relationship has its ups and downs, the bad times were never really that bad. Even though our relationship ended at the end of January, we still remained close friends and kept in contact with phone calls and texts.

The thing I regret most is that I never got the chance to see him again. We had promised to meet up as friends, but never found the time. I never expected that when I said goodbye to him in January, that it would be for the final time. We had one final kiss and held each other for a long time and vowed to never stop caring for each other.

I'm going to miss the silly texts we sent each other, his random rants about hippies and everything else that was wrong with the world and his plans for eventual world domination.

I'm going to miss the man that held my hand as we walked around Manchester or Leicester buying comics and hunting for decent food and the man that was there for me no matter what time or why I needed him.

I'll miss the kisses that made go weak at the knees, the butterflies I got in my stomach when he was around, being held by him, falling asleep and waking up in his arms, being scooped up into a massive hug when we hadn't seen each other for ages, him holding me very tightly on his lap and saying "mine! You can't leave!" every time I had to go home and those rare moments when he would pull me very close and open up and tell me things he kept locked away from a lot of people.

I'll miss the fact that even though in his own words, he "hated the dump that is Leicester", that for a year he came here to visit me. The distance was hard on us both, but the moments that we first saw each other at the train station after what seemed like ages apart made up for that. Goodbyes were always hard and neither of us wanted the other to leave, which led to us getting stupidly late trains home and falling asleep at work/uni all the next day!

I'm going to miss teasing him about his geekiness and trying to steal his HtA hoodie, which he loved far too much to let me wear. I'll miss him teasing me about my love of the colour green or teasing me when I got too mushy! But mostly I'm going to miss just spending time with him.

Andy gave me so much confidence in myself. He really pulled me out of my shell. I had no confidence when we got together and slowly he helped me build it back up. He saw me for me and he made me feel like myself again, which is something I'll be forever grateful for. Whenever my confidence got low again, he would tell me he liked me for me, he wouldn't care if I was the size of a house or a twig or anything, that he just wanted to be with me and that's not something i'll ever forget.

I loved all the crazy things about him. I love the fact that he still had transformers toys and that he was proud of them, I love the fact we liked a lot of the same bands, shared friends, liked the same TV and films. I love the cute puppy look he'd give me when he wanted stuff and the evil grin he gave people. I love the rants and the fact that he said if he was to achieve world domination, he would have to take me prisoner in case I led a rebellion. I love the silly late night chats and laughs we had in bed and I loved teasing him on the rare occasions he got mushy. Most of all I love the silly sweet Scottish boy that made me fall in love with him for reasons unknown both of us and the look on his face when I told him I loved him.

I loved him totally and I always will. I hope he still knew that, people assure me he did, but I don't know. I just wish i'd had chance to say it one more time.

I don't really know how to end this, other than to say;

Andy, there is a massive gap in my life now you've gone and i'll never forget you.

Donna xxx