I'M FREE!

I refuse to dwell on past lovers.

I haven't and it feels that much better.

(of course, you could say that by saying this, I AM dwelling.. but that's not the case)

And, thus, I find myself in the oblivion-slash-limbo I was previously in not too long ago.  The feeling of liking no one, and not having anyone to think about.

Ironically, this is the time when I tend to meet more girls. But I don't give them second glances because at this point, I'm not looking.

 

When you're not looking, you don't find.

When you're looking, you don't find what you want. Or you do, but you're not the one they're looking for.

It's a sad situation.

 

But cheers to the beers, my homeboys, my art.. and other things that keep me sane.. things that keep me free.

I haven't had a girlfriend in three years. And before that, I've only had one.
The reason?
I'm always looking for a girl like I'm looking for a wife.
The perfect complement.
That's when I'll go ahead and ask a girl to be with me.
Again, I don't just settle.

Never just settle. Because when you don't, you'll find your life a whole lot more meaningful.

Me..From A-Z

LETTER A
are you available?: available for escort service. hah jk. i guess i am.
what is your age?: twenny fye
what annoys you?: people who don't use turning signals, and annoying people

THE LETTER B
do you live in a big house?: textbook definition of middle crass
when is your birthday?: the twenty ninth day of the sixth month of the roman calendar
who is your best friend?: oh, i have a few

THE LETTER C
what's your favorite candy?: eye candy
who's your crush?: Crushes mean you'll never be with the person.
when was the last time you cried?: last month, when I visited my grandma

THE LETTER D
do you daydream?: i like it when i daydream before i sleep, then it fuses to my nightdream. but yes, I do.
do you like dogs?: huskies and others that resemble wolves. and amanda's pomeranian.
what day of the week is it?: the beginning of the weekend. thursday.

THE LETTER E
how do you like your eggs?: i like to fertilize them. well, not yet.
have you ever been in the emergency room?: twice.
what's the easiest thing ever to do?: think

THE LETTER F
have you ever flown in a plane: i even love airplane food
do you use fly swatters?: i use chopsticks
have you ever used a foghorn: no, but i used to watch him on looney toons

THE LETTER G
do you chew gum?: for that just brushed feeling. plus, its good exercise for the jaw, which i use for....
are you a giver or a taker?: you gotta give and take. but when it comes to that other thing, i give, and i give and i give
do you like gummy candies?: the japanese kind.

THE LETTER H
how are you?: happily horny for horticulture by the hour
what color is your hair?: hhhblack

THE LETTER I
what's your favorite ice cream? depends on what i feel like eating at the moment. but i guess i could never get sick of mango

THE LETTER J
what's your favorite jelly bean?: juicy pear and lime
do you wear jewelry?: no, but i can produce pearl necklaces. i do have "accessories"

THE LETTER K
who do you want to kill?: the procrastination monster within me
do you want kids?: i think i want four. at least four. all boys.
where did you go for kindergarten?: rogers park montesorri school

THE LETTER L
are you laid back?: way back
when was the last time you got laid: well, there was this hawaiian party..

THE LETTER M
what's your favorite musical? what about opera? la traviata. oliver twist was pretty good too.
do you still watch disney movies? to look for the hidden sexual suprises
do you like mangos?: oh wow, i cant believe you mentioned mangoes... but whoever made this bulletin spelled the plural form of it wrong..

THE LETTER N
do you have a nickname?: look at my myspace name
what's your favorite number?: 8,11, 29. 9
do you prefer night over day?: depends on what i'm doing. but by nature, i'm of the night.

THE LETTER O
what is your one wish? to be able to teleport
are you an only child?: no i'm not spoiled

THE LETTER P
what's one fear you are most paranoid about?: people's hidden agendas
what's a personality trait you look for in people?: empathy and understanding

THE LETTER Q
are you quick to judge people?: no, i like to sit and watch.

THE LETTER R
do you think you're always right?: yes, but i like it when someone proves me wrong, so i can see the other side of things.
do you watch reality tv?: only when everyone else in the room is. otherwise, i dont watch tv.
are you one to cry?: over memories of loved ones

THE LETTER S
do you prefer sun or rain?: depends. no rain anytime besides summer.
do you like snow?: it lookds nice, that's about it.
what's your favorite season?: summer and spring

The letter T
what time is it?: 4:40
What time did you wake up?: 4:30 am and 2:20pm. just in time for work
when was the last time you slept in a tent?: i dont know, but my little friend does every morning

THE LETTER U
are you wearing underwear?: who wears underwear to bed?

THE LETTER V
what's the worst veggie?: there's no such thing. blasphemer!!

THE LETTER W
what's your worst habit?: procrastination
where do you live?: in my house
what's your worst fear?: being old. didnt someone ask this already or did i fill out too many surveys
who do you work for?:#2! some country drug slanger from tennesee

THE LETTER X
have you ever had an x-ray?: x-ray vision. but i just want to see thru clothes, not thru skin. yikes!
have you seen the x-games?: that sounds raunchy
can you play a xylophone?: i was actually going to go buy one. shits a grip though.

THE LETTER Y
do you like the color yellow?: with grey.
what's one thing you yearn for?: a good life

THE LETTER Z
what's your zodiac sign?: cancer/rooster
do you believe in the zodiac? no, because when it was made, the ancient world only thought 5 planets existed and based it upon that. however, it is amusing to read.
whats your favorite zoo animal?: polar bears and penguins. but i love them all. except how the monkey habitat smells.

I want to meet a really hot girl

(And I do mean HOT in the most subjective way possible. Only I can determine what HOT means to me.)

With sound morals.

Is that possible?? Most extremely attractive girls.. know they're attractive.. and like to sleep around.

And for me, once you know that they're like that.. no matter how pretty they are, it makes them look really ugly.  I shudder when I think about it.

I met a girl at the club the other week. Really pretty. We start kickin it. She exclaims she's horny.  I'm like, "cool", but then I think..  hmm, not girlfriend material. But who knows?

Then I have another friend who I totally wanted but she doesn't know what she wants.  But we're good friends, so she tells me who she's sleeping with and when, and how many at the same time and now.. I can't see her like the girl I wanted before.

Then there's this other girl. Real sweet. Girlfriend material. Sort of a lush, but who isn't.  Wild when single, but good when taken.  But she doesn't know what she wants. I don't know what I want. She seems to put up walls, but I don't know if she wants me to break them down or not.

To my friends: if you think i'm talking about you, i'm probably not.  These people aren't on myspace. Or if they were, I haven't added them yet.


I'd like to meet a really pretty girl.  One that can wait to have sex. One that calls me when she needs a munchin.  One that has class, and dresses down. One that isn't always looking for the next fuck..

Yeah, it's possible.  But I just haven't come around any lately.


Damn, I just want to cuddle with someone. Maybe go grab some tea, and talk about worldly things...and then, maybe later, what color underwear is she wearing.

What does it mean when girls tell me, "I think I'm gonna break up with my boyfriend soon."?

Are they just telling me?
Or do they want me to do something?

And why do they always come to me when they tell someone?
Or maybe it just seems that way..

..as I sit at my computer at work, dying to leave.

 

-Have you ever kissed someone while you loved someone else? It's wierd isn't it?  It feels somewhat empty, and totally lustful. But I won't deny it's fun.

-Dreams are the ultimate natural trip.  (Think about it. You're creating elaborate stories and experiencing visuals while on your homemade serotonin.) It's also crazy how dreams, in reality, last for so short a period, yet feel like the longest time..

-What I thought was going to be a pretty good winter.. is slowly becoming an unsavory one.  It was a pretty good year, though, I'd say.

-The hardest thing for me, besides finishing school.. will be waiting for a friend of mine to go through all the trials the next few years will bring.. while I face my own.  And the sad thing is, we'll both have to face it without one another.  It's probably more sad for me...

 

On a better note,

tonight is Jenny's Xmas party, and Amy has been comin around again.  I get to see Cathy this week, DJ Craze is at Zentra on friday, and Qwel is here on Saturday.  More things to keep my mind off the melancholy.

because myspace only allows your friends to send you messages, here is my answer:

If I could go to heaven or hell for a day...

No doubt, visiting heaven would make me do a total 180.  But we all know it's THE place to be.  And we all have our own subjective preconceptions to what heaven is like, so we call can answer that.

Hell on the other hand.. I remember reading that Lucia, one of the three children of Fatima, saw a vision of hell as one of the first secrets of Fatima:


SISTER LUCY OF FATIMA DESCRIBES THE VISION OF HELL

At Fatima, the Blessed Virgin Mary told the three child seers that many souls go to hell because they have no one to pray or make sacrifices for them. In her Memoirs, Sister Lucy describes the vision of hell that Our Lady showed the children at Fatima:

"She opened Her hands once more, as She had done the two previous months. The rays [of light] appeared to penetrate the earth, and we saw, as it were, a vast sea of fire. Plunged in this fire, we saw the demons and the souls [of the damned]. The latter were like transparent burning embers, all blackened or burnished bronze, having human forms. They were floating about in that conflagration, now raised into the air by the flames which issued from within themselves, together with great clouds of smoke. Now they fell back on every side like sparks in huge fires, without weight or equilibrium, amid shrieks and groans of pain and despair, which horrified us and made us tremble with fright (it must have been this sight which caused me to cry out, as people say they heard me). The demons were distinguished [from the souls of the damned] by their terrifying and repellent likeness to frightful and unknown animals, black and transparent like burning coals. That vision only lasted for a moment, thanks to our good Heavenly Mother, Who at the first apparition had promised to take us to Heaven. Without that, I think that we would have died of terror and fear."

My mother would tell me to an extent, "Imagine the thirstiest you've ever been in your life, or the hottest, or the coldest. (uncomfortable situations). and multiply that ten-fold. That is hell." 

Are heaven and hell subjective? Are they tailored to who you are, and how you envision it? Does that mean both have two realities just as this world has?  Or would an example of heaven be total paradise where all souls roam free and exist in a state of happiness nothing could ever describe?  Would hell be nothing but a firey pit where all are subject to the same punishment?

---

An excerpt from Tryptamine Hallucinogens and Consciousness
http://www.erowid.org/culture/characters/mckenna_terence/mckenna_terence_tryptamines_consciousness.shtml


" History is the shockwave of eschatology. Something is at the end of time and is casting an enormous shadow over human history, drawing all human becoming toward it. All the wars, the philosophies, the rapes, the pillaging, the migrations, the cities, the civilizations - all of this is occupying a microsecond of geological, planetary, and galactic time as the monkeys react to the symbiote, which is in the environment and which is feeding information to humanity about the larger picture. I do not belong to the school that wants to attribute all of our accomplishments to knowledge given to us as a gift from friendly aliens - I'm describing something I hope is more profound than that. As nervous systems evolve to higher and higher levels, they come more and more to understand the true situation in which they are embedded. And the true situation in which we are embedded is an organism, an organization of intelligence on a galactic scale. Science and mathematics may be culture-bound. We cannot know for sure, because we have never dealt with an alien mathematics or an alien culture except in the occult realm, and that evidence is inadmissible by the guardians of scientific truth. This means that the contents of shamanic experience and of plant-induced ecstasies are inadmissible even though they are the source of novelty and the cutting edge of the ingression of the novel into the plenum of being.

Think about this for a moment: If the human mind does not loom large in the coming history of the human race, then what is to become of us? The future is bound to be psychedelic, because the future belongs to the mind. We are just beginning to push the buttons on the mind. Once we take a serious engineering approach to this, we are going to discover the plasticity, the mutability, the eternal nature of the mind and, I believe, release it from the monkey. My vision of the final human future is an effort to exteriorize the soul and internalize the body, so that the exterior soul will exist as a superconducting lens of translinguistic matter generated out of the body of each of us at a critical juncture at our psychedelic bar mitzvah. From that point on, we will be eternal somewhere in the solid-state matrix of the translinguistic lens we have become. One's body image will exist as a holographic wave transform while one is at play in the fields of the Lord and living in Elysium."

The mushroom states its own position very clearly. It says, "I require the nervous system of a mammal. Do you have one handy?"

I need help deciding where to spend two free airline tickets. 

What cities should I visit? Vancouver, BC Los Angeles, CA San Francisco, CA Toronto, ON New York, NY Whitefish, MT Tokyo, JP Stockholm, SE   View Results

speaking of two tickets...

alex, you ready?