i want to go back to harrow NOWWWWWWWW. i miss the privacy, the independance, the people. i miss flat 57 and flat 58 i miss goth dan. i miss my routine of seeing scott all weekend and seeing phoebe every single day. i hate the fact ive gone from stupidly thick curtains to no blinds or curtains!!

and its all becuase of work stupid stupid work. wel to be honest i am starting to enjoy it, being in a bar seeing as i finally got to go behind the bar the other day. the poeple i work with are cool and spending new years was good to get to know them better. but it means i dont get to see many friends here and its just so different.

i love my friends here and its been awesome seeing them when i can. but i feel stupidly insecure and im finding it hard ot cope with my emotions here, probably becuase i have no "me" time tbh.

i hope that when i do finally go back i will cam down again and things will be like before if not better. i just want to be happy and make them happy. but its hard to know if your succeeding when you have a stupid lack of communication.

im going to try and write these stupid essays and solve all of this, only issue is ive left my notes in harrow, i see an excuse coming :)x

its bizarre to think that january 2008 was a year ago so much has happened but it doesnt seem that long ago

this year has probably been the most life changing year. i turned 18 and passed my a levels. i took them to start with. i saw most of my other friends turn 18 and me not ha. i went to uni and met some amazing people. i learnt how to use an oven and a washing machine.i felt love for the first time and lost it. but at the same time met an amazing person. i finally saw slipknot despite them pulling out of reading festival. and machine heaad. they may not seem  as big as the others but they are to me.

seeing as i am working new years eve i will celebrate it on monday and specualte on next year now.

new years resolutions are to try and not cry so much. this sounds ridiculous but i do. not on purpose and i wish i didnt for the sake of my own sanity and for others around me. ive come to learn many people rly dunno how to act around me when im like it and i dont blame them. so from now on hormones are to be kept under control. the other more obvious one is less food. not diet just less. ive tried deiting to much before and it just causes more stress. but i know my weight and appearance is my main reason for low self confidence and its also often the reason i cry so the two will hopefully equal one another out. to think i cried becuase of it on christmas day is ridiculous, although i think some other things may have sparked it off. unless i get a personality transplant i think its impossible to set a resolution of stop being so paranoid and jealous, but ill at least try and let it go abit despite whats happened recently making that oh so much harder.

am i being too forgiving beucase i cant see any bad in the person or is it just they genuinely dont have any bad in them. i cant tell but ive forgiven but not forgotten nonetheless. i just hope whats happened doesnt effect us now. im carrying on as normal but the other person doesnt seem to be. they are more distant or maybe they always were and i never realised. i thought being at home through this would make it easier but i think i wouldve rather been at uni then i wouldve been forced to be more independant but who knows maybe family is best right now. my mums advice worries me more than anything with her vibe issue but ill stick to my thoughts for now.............

jesus ive never had such a vivid and horrid nightmare as i did last night and i blame new moon. okay so some things in my life could mean i am living like bella swan (aha :) ) but i have been reading new moon lately and these nightmares shes having well i kind of half had one of those but then with the storyline of her real life built in to.

im so glad annabel rang me and woke me from it it confirmed it wasnt real. i had lost everything, my boyfriend had disappeared without a word or sign and i had lost all my friends, they all hated me. i cant remember why in the dream its not as vivid anymore but we were in a univeristy type environment but it was all my friends from home and an ex. i remember trying to be friends with the ex but becuase it was after the disappearance he thought it was just me moving on. but i wasnt i just wnted to be friends again and he was absolutely horrid. i text him today to make sure it wasnt a sign he actually did hate me as i havent done anything wrong.

two of my best friends absolutely despised me and yelled at me if i tried to meet  up with them i just remeber walking around crying with absolutely no one, trying to explain myself and no one listening. in the dream i knew why they disliked me even though it was unjust, but after waken i have forgotten. in the book bella loses edward he disappears and then she goes into meltdown and her friends give up on her. pretty familiar i think.

hearing annabels voice this morning asking to meet up was so relaxing i thought the dream was gunna continue while i woke up. it was such a contrast to last night seeing as i spent it with the majority of my girls and it was so nice to have us all back together. we didnt stop talking and i wanna see them again coz i swear theres more to say still!

on a brighter note before i went to bed i thought of ways of boosting xmas presents sentimentally. im used to being quite sentimental but whether this will go down well for the person is what im worried, it could flatter ot it could freak the hell out of them. and on a brighter side of the book/life overlink i feel like her in the sense i do not inderstand why someone like them would want anyhting to do with smoeone like me. i dont deserve it and yet they are completely oblivious to this fact despite is being said. so now its time to show it some way different.

back to reality i have work for the first time in about 3 months i am scared for my life that im going to have forgotten everything even things as little as the code to actually get in, good times but at least ill finally have an income even if it is only for a month, i have to work xmas eve and boxing day evenings and probably new years

the book maybe creeping into my sleep pattern but at least im actually reading something :)

ok so here is the mega blog train jouney first

obviously we went straight down to the beach it wasnt even that hot we were typical brits tho :)

our rom was clearly where the part was at it was alo a state and smelt of sweaty girls lol

then it as the frst nght obvs drinking was in order

what is wrong with nat and annabel?!

what is wrong with me?!

some of the bristol girls i liked the bristol girls :D

josh showed his true colours on holiday GAY

the booze kicked in about now

i dunowhat we were dancing too but a classic picture!

we met price harry in our lodge the thingis his name actually was harry!!

ians lap dance. looks like somehing off big brother really.somone in the background looks disgusted!

ahh this was my fae night adam i mean david lazzara and us all singing songs round the bar :)

ian was drunk REALLY DRUNK

told you

sam won chest of the week look at those!!

ahh charlie kept us amused most nights dont think the peopple in the room were too please though lol

the torso of the week competition. you decide!!!

josh's hair island on hi chest was always a laugh