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Dear lordy... I've got so much to write I have no idea where to start. Not that I have the time for it, the time being about one o' clock by the time I post this blog. Sleep is something that I'm in no position to compromise. A few words and thoughts though...

I've been somewhat separated from the world for the past, oh... month-and-a-half or so. For those of you who may have noticed or might have wondered, here's a recap:

• My grandmother died (see my last blog).

• I built what one might call a professional website. It's for an awesome theatre conference that East West Players is hosting. All of a sudden I made my way from lowly marketing peon to web master and registry coordinator. I'm really pleased with how the site turned out, especially since I designed all the graphics in addition to building it. It's nothing fancy, mind you. it's no Flash-laden monster or anything, but I think it's quite aesthetically pleasing. Check it out at www.nextbigbang.org. Needless to say, this put quite a bit of strain on my schedule because...

• I'm doing props for a show that just went into tech. It's an amusing little play, and the people are all really very nice and supportive. Not to mention the show itself isn't very complicated. Still, doing props tend to be a full-time job in any show of some production substance. I sure could use a week off to just finish the dang props collection.

• The most exciting thing is that The Moods have booked a gig. Check out our (highly neglected and out-of-date) MySpace profile at www.myspace.com/themoodslosangeles for more details. It's just one gig right now, but we're hoping to pick up some more. Baby steps, I suppose... Baby steps.

Heh. So it seems I've written more than I expected. This is still not as long an entry as I'd like, but sleep is prying at my brain and I am less than inclined to resist. Ryan, if you're reading this, I'm still up for working on Final Fantasy: Card Quest. Give me 'til the end of the week. And maybe a day or two after through which to sleep. And speaking of sleep

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The walk was different this morning. 

If there's one thing I've learned about myself, it's that a moment of noticable lucidity always follows the occurence of major life events... The colors of sky and street are more saturated... The cement grey of a building's edge is sharper in contrast to the white of a cloud framing it... Even the parallax of the world as viewed through our three-dimensional perception is deeper, more pronounced.

I don't know if this is true for others.  Does it happen to you?

Yesterday - Easter Sunday, in the Christian faith - April 16th, 2006 at 6:40 prime meridian, the sun set on my maternal lola's life.  We had been waiting with baited breath for the past 48 hours as the gaps between her own breath increased and her body gradually eased itself into peace.  She was surrounded by loving friends and family as she set off for the greatest adventure known to humankind; and every single one of those with her at her last moments saw her off partly with tears of longing, knowing we would always miss her, and tears of joy, knowing that she would finally be reunited with my lolo, her son (with whom she had been separated by death for the past 31 years), A.J and Paige (my younger brother and sister, respectively) and all who have passed on before her.

So, this morning, I walked with a little less spring in my step, watching the image of my lola appearing everywhere my eyes fell... walking down the street towards me (hand in hand with my still living paternal grandmother with whom she was very close), dancing in Pershing Square with lolo, or in front of Angels' Flight, taking what would become an aging, sepia-toned photo to be placed in a scaprbook of precious mementos.

The moment of lucidity hit me about a mile into my walk.  The sky became bluer than it had ever been in my regular treks through downtown.  My eyes had been gravitating to the sidewalk, heavy with the past two days, and I had to make an effort to raise my head to take in the fresh-laden clarity upon which I'd been bestowed.  I shut down my iPod and took in the sounds of the street, thinking that lola would probably want me to take in every sensation generated by this world upon which I had been bequeathed.

I miss her very much.  I hope that this acuity she has instilled in me stays for a while.

---

Here's an actual blog...

Last Saturday (March 18, 2006) I had the pleasure and privilege of catching one of my favorite bands, Belle & Sebastian, live at the beautiful, art-deco Wiltern Theatre.  It was a magnificent concert.  Being a pretty big fan, I couldn't help but have high expectations and I'm pleased to report that the band more than exceeded them.  They played a nice, long set (going just a little over a couple of hours) and included many of their less popular songs.  Erin says that "they played all of their funky songs" - funky, in this case, meaning odd and off-kilter.

*Erratum: It seems I was putting words in Erin's mouth.  She just informed me that by "funky" she meant the dancier, funk-influenced tunes.  I stand fast by the opinion i layered over her words, though.

I was very surprised by a couple of numbers.  They played Electronic Renaissance, a song of theirs which, for some reason, always struck me as one they wouldn't really play live.  It was a smashing rendition though, the icing being that since guitarist/sometimes-singer Stevie Jackson only plays a teensy little bit of melodica for the song, he danced through pretty much the whole thing, swinging his melodica around and dancing like a robot.  It was adorable.

They also played an incredible rendition of Your Cover's Blown, yet another track I figured to be something they never really played live.  The song sounded even better live than it's recording and was one of the cooler surprises of the evening.  For their encore, they took requests from the audience and ended up closing with Sleep The Clock Around.  The song, off The Boy With The Arab Strap, is actually quite mild in the recording but was so... rockin' live.

They didn't get to play all the songs I was hoping to hear, their body of work being so extensive and all.  Sadly missing from the set were I Could Be Dreaming, The Boy With The Arab Strap and Me And The Major.  Everything that they did get to was well worth the price of admission.  Highlights for me were If You Find Yourself Caught In Love, The Loneliness Of A Middle-Distance Runner (with Stuart, Stevie and Mick doing the whistling during the coda, then inviting the audience to do the same), Jonathan David, I'm A Cuckoo and everything they played off their latest, The Life Pursuit.

Another bit of which to tell: During the last verse of If You Find Yourself Caught In Love, Stuart went off stage into the audience to interact with the people for a bit.  He picked out a young lady and tried to get her to sing a few of the words, but she seemed a bit shy and ended up getting only one word out.  On his way back to the stage, he forgot the lyrics to a couple of lines, so at the end of the song he had the band return to the portion he forgot and they re-did it from there.  Stuart said something about not depriving the audience of 79 cents worth of show, then asked "What can you buy for 79 cents nowadays, anyway?"  The audience response that stood out to me the most was a chicken soft taco.

Incidentally, I'm A Cuckoo is currently arm-wrestling Better Than Ezra's Good as my favorite song ever (play nice you two, you're both beautiful).

Good gawd.  It's gotten to the point where I'm listening to nothing but Belle & Sebastian.  They're a fantastic band and their music just strikes a chord somewhere inside me.  Seeing such a wonderful show won't help get them out of my CD and MP3 players.  Ah, well...

I also had the pleasure of catching their free in-store performance at Hollywood music purveyor extraordinaire, Amoeba Records.  It was short but sublime set composed of:

Another Sunny Day
Dog On Wheels
Piazza, New York Catcher
Sukie In The Graveyard
If You Find Yourself Caught in Love
Sleep The Clock Around

I actually missed Dog On Wheels as I had to run out and feed Black ThunderFlash's parking meter.  Dang.  My consolation is that I had at least already seen it live (in Saturday's show).  Again, during the last verse of If You Find Yourself Caught In Love, singer Stuart Murdoch changed a bit of the lyrics.  Instead of singing "Tell your boss that you've gone away," he said something along the lines of "Tell your boss that... you might go back to work after the Belle & Sebastian concert, depends on how you feel I suppose."  Boy, did he peg that.  For those of you wondering, by the way, no I didn't.

The real highlight of the day, though, happened after the in-store.  The band had just finished their set and retired backstage and a crowd was beginning to line up to get their various CDs, LPs and posters signed.  I ran to the store's vinyl section to see if they had any more copies of The Life Pursuit I could get signed by the band but, unfortunately, all the copies had been sold out.  I was trotting back to the front of the store to ask Erin which album we should pick up when my eyes came upon the tall, raven-haired figure and visage of Steve Jackson walking right towards me!

He's soooooooo dreammmy!!

I debated for a split second whether I should say hi, then remembered that I had somewhere read that he actually appreciates it when people go up and speak to him.  So I steeled my resolve and approached.

"Mr. Jackson," said I, extending my hand, "can I please just shake your hand?"  The most genuine smile came onto his face and he took my hand and shook it. "Thank you so very much!" I added, "You guys are what got me started in my own music."

"Oh!" He replied in genuine appreciation. "Well, thank you very much.  And thank's so much for coming out."

"I wouldn't have missed it!  Congratulations, I love the new album.  Keep up the good work." I said and we parted ways.  I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still riding the high of that moment.

After consulting Erin, I ran back to the vinyl section picked up a copy of Dear Catastrophe Waitress, and we got in line to get our stuff autographed.  The band ended up having to leave before we got to them, so gosh darnit we didn't get a chance to have our various albums signed.  Their publicist gave out pre-autographed CD booklets, which, while not as satisfying as contact with the band, is still an awful keen thing to do for the fans who played hooky.

Jeff said it best, I think, as we were walking into a coffee shop down the street to get a bit of caffeine: "I miss them already."

A final call:

Obviously, I wasn't taking notes during the show at the Wiltern and the set was quite substantial, so I can't quite remember the set list.  if anyone knows anyone who can get me the set list, I'd greatly appreciate it.  I'm also a little iffy on the order of the set list for the Amoeba in-store, so Jeff and Erin, if either of you see any inconsistencies or remember otherwise, please let me know.

---

Roger Ebert can kiss the video game community's collective virtual ass.

This article was printed in the March 14, 2006 issue of the Rafu Shimpo (a news publication catering to L.A.'s Little Tokyo community):


For the uninitiated reader's edification, Michel Ancel is the creative mastermind behind Beyond Good And Evil, one of my all-time favorite games and the one that put software publisher Ubisoft on my video gaming map. His latest creative efforts can be seen in the video game adaptation of Peter Jackson's King kong. Frederick Raynal is the man behind survival horror grand-pappy Alone In The Dark and Fade To Black, the latter of which was the final installation in the art-house-ish Out Of This World series released in the mid-90's.

Of course, gamers are finding a new sense of validation with this recognition and the story has found itself in message boards all over the internet. A response to the story found in the Magicball Network states:


... but from here on in, Link's creator will forever be Sir Shigeru Miyamoto to me. Now he has a legitimate reason to go walking around with his Master Sword and Hyrule Shield. My lord, Epona awaits...



Do I love this man? YOU BET I DO.

---

Anno Domini 2005 has come and gone in such an eventful fashion. So, here compiled are the best of things that I encountered last year.

A couple of disclaimers...

One: Don't be surprised to see things on list that were created or published before 2005. If last year was when I first heard, saw or otherwise encountered it, it makes the list. In particular, most of the artists in the "New Musical Artist" category have been around for a while but, once again, if I was introduced to them last year, they're in.

Two: As far as music goes, I've decided to exclude Better Than Ezra and Belle & Sebastian from all of the runnings except "Live Performance". BTE released their latest album last year and I actually bought about fifty percent of the B&S albums I own in 2005. This list would be nothing but "BTE this" and "B&S that" and that would just be unfair to the rest of the artists I listened to.

Three: In hoping to make this more interesting than a mere line-item inventory of stuff I like, I'd really like to set down a little blurb about each entry. That, however, takes a lot of time - time I don't quite have. That said, I might return to this blog and add to it piece-meal. thought y'all might want to know...

I've scoured my mind, separated the wheat from the chaff and put down the top five I could think of in each category. Out of this five, I've chosen one - via completely unscientific means (1d6, with 6 counting as a "roll again"... just kidding) - to be the best in the category. Once again, if you have a difference in opinion or think I may have forgotten something crucial: reply, reply, reply!!!

THE BEST _____'S OF 2005 (according to the world of Jay Africa)

New Musical Artist
The Decemberists
Dengue Fever
Nellie McKay
Kaiser Chiefs
Mosquitoes
Best of the batch: The Decemberists

Song
On The Bus Mall by The Decemberists
We Were Gonna by Dengue Fever
Ding Dong by Nellie McKay
At The Bottom Of Everything by Bright Eyes
The Luckiest Guy On The Lower East Side by The Magnetic Fields
Best of the Batch: We Were Gonna by Dengue Fever

Album
Picaresue by The Decemberists
Two-Way Monologue by Sondre Lerche
Escape From Dragon House by Dengue Fever
Educated Guess by Ani DiFranco
Employment by Kaiser Chiefs
Best of the Batch: Picaresue by The Decemberists

Live Performance
Ani DiFranco at the Wiltern (Los Angeles, CA)
Better Than Ezra at Northern Lights (Clifton Park, NY)
The Mosquitoes at MassMoCA (North Adams, MA)
Rasputina at the Troubadour (Hollywood, CA)
Jesca Hoop at Tangier (Silverlake, CA)
Best of the Batch: Better Than Ezra at Northern Lights (Clifton Park, NY)

Movie
Pride & Prejudice
Wallace & Gromit: The Curse Of The Were-Rabbit
Asylum
Born Into Brothels
Shaolin Soccer
Best of the Batch: Shaolin Soccer

Book
Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince by J. K. Rowling
Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card
Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman
Blink by Malcolm Gladwell
Persepolis by Marjane Satrapi
Best of the Batch: Ender's Game by Orson Scott Card

Internet Video
I really shouldn't get into this...

Video Game
It was a really slow gaming year for me. I'm going to have to come back to this later.

Event
Getting back in touch with old friends
An incredible road trip
Realizing musical aspirations
A kick-ass Holiday party
The inauguration of "Gunther & Chang's Rip-Roaring Parties"
Best of the Batch: I'm going to be very non-commital about this category since all of the above mentioned events rocked HARD. So I'm going to say all of the above.

---

After a successful splashdown, I've made a semi-triumphant return to the world. The past, oh... month-and-half of my life has been busily spent, resulting in things that I find quite wonderful.

The biggest news is that Erin and I have finally found ourselves a lovely little apartment in Burbank, CA. I've spent a hefty portion of the past week or so unpacking our earthly belongings, but there are still boxes all over the place. We've got so much gol-durned stuff! We were hoping to bust open a can of un-pack to get the place ready for an apartment-warming by this Saturday upcoming, but that's just not going to happen. All things considered, we're probably going to have to wait until after Valentine's Day to throw down. Keep your eyes to the Bulletin Board for the notice!

Another bit of news is that my band, The Moods, has created a MySpace profile. I did the layout and graphic design for it and am quite pleased with how it turned out. Check it out at www.myspace.com/themoodslosangeles. Send us a friend request and post a comment if you like what you hear. We're looking for a 2nd guitarist and drummer in order to develop more material, so if you know anyone who might be interested, send 'em our way.

On the downside, I am (again) in desperate need for a haircut. Time seems to have become scarce (again). For some reason, I just never have time to spend at home doing homey stuff. In fact, I'm finding it quite difficult to dedicate this time to write this blog. Still, since one of my New Year's resolutions is to write more, I'd be doing myself a disservice if I didn't. Hmmm... it appears the "Now Playing" entry down at the bottom isn't working. I suppose I can chalk that one up in the "downside" column.

Since it's awards season, I thought now would be as good a time as any to post my THE BEST _____'S OF 2005 blog. I've posted it in the next blog so as not to suddenly commit you to reading a long-ish blog with this one. Check it out and post a comment or two if you agree or disagree with any of them.

---

I've got a lot of ground to cover. I've been quite good at keeping up with my resolutions this year, except for the one about writing more. Case in point: it's been over two weeks since we hit 2006 and this is my first blog. Yeowzzza.

The fact of the matter is that I haven't had a lot of time, what with my assorted other projects and chores taking up what time I have. And this time around, when I say "projects and chores" I mean "projects and chores," not "video games and pokémon cards."

I must admit: this blog, albeit shorter than most, is much more self-indulgent. In an attempt to make myself feel better for not having posted anything in so long, I'm taking a few minutes to just jot down a quick message to say "Hey! I'm fine. How are you, dear reader?" So, with that said, feel free to ignore this blog. My ambitions have a tendency to overtake my capabilities. Most of the time, I let it be so and life rolls along it's merry way just fine. At other times, though, it's better to realize that ambition, though noble, can hinder productivity if all it does is stop things from happening.

The Best _____ 's of 2005 are still on thier way. It's just taking a bit of thought.

Also, Belle & Sebastian's new single drops today so hit your local record store and check it out!

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I'd just like to make a few casual observations.

I've been spending a good amount of time walking the avenues and alleyways of Downtown Los Angeles, and I find it ridiculously amazing how many unidentifiable piles of organic goop I find discarded or abandoned on the street. At least once during my two-or-so mile walk from Erin's office building to East West Players, I inevitably come across a handfull of some rotten (or rotting) bit of maybe-once-edible (or extremely unedible) refuse that just makes me think, "Oh my. What was that, I wonder?" I believe it's best that such questions remain unanswered.

I had something specific that I wanted to blog about, but I seem to have lost it. Hmm. Moving on, I suppose...

I'm growing more and more excited by the upcoming weekend! Today is my last day of work for the year. Though this means the cash won't be flooding into my bank account (as if it had been in the past six months), it'll be a welcome relief to be able to wind down from the year. I find that extended periods of not working on any projects does wonders for rejuvinating motivation. Not that I'm a generally unmotivated person - I believe I'm quite the opposite - but I do have a herculean load of baggage on my chest that I'd love to be able to cleanly shove off.

Ah. What I wanted to blog about (and, therefore, officialy announce to the public) are my New Year's Resolutions. I've come up with a couple and am trying to think up more. I figure I might as well work on tackling several character flaws throughout the year as oppossed to just one. Here's the current list so far:

• To eliminate filler in my speech (such as "uh", "uhm", "like" and "y'know")
• To lose weight and get fit again (my waist size is currently at 33", while the majority of my pants are size 32")
• Related to the previous resolution is my goal to make better dietary choices, both in the quality and quantity of food I eat
• To write more in order to excercise and improve my creative skills; this includes being more diligent in writing songs and more of The Very Credible Journeys Of Mr. Key
• To learn more HTML and create a better personal website

What I ask of you, dear reader, is to give me suggestions to add to the list. If you think of anything that you think I can or should do, I want to hear about it. Pull no punches. I've coasted on automatic pilot past the previous six months, feeling like I've been exerting all my energy just to stay afloat in an ocean of circumstances I could have controlled but, instead, allowed to control me. I'm looking forward to 2006 with optimism and renewed energy. Hopefully, that energy will last me throughout the year.

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Whoa. Okay, due to popular demand, here's a blog for y'all.   Much has happened in my world since the night I wrote that last downer of a blog, and so very much that I have to be thankful for. To be completely honest, though, I'm really not sure what to write. If memory serves me (and it really hasn't been up to snuff lately) about three overall remarkable things happened over the past... oh, week or so since I last posted.

Erin and I hopped into our car this morning to find the windshield and rear window iced over. Yes, folks, it does get that cold here in lovely, sunny California. That's not one of the overall remarkable things mentioned above, by the way - though some of the locals' reactions might have you believing otherwise. I just thought you non-Californians might find that interesting. Upon thinking about it, though, when I refer to you "non-Californians," I mean you dear friends who live in places like the Berkshires or Chicago. I imagine your concept of cold is just a slightly different color...

So, on to the actual big things that happend:

Number one: my dad won a snazzy little Kodak digital camera at his office Holiday party. Already having a digital camera of his own, he bequeathed his prize to his first-born son. That's right folks: Erin and I are now the proud owners of a casual, point-and-click, 5.0 megapixel camera that we've fondly dubbed Snapster (after throwing out names like Ko-Dak the PictoBeast, SilverBox, Silver CameraFlash, kPod, Soul Snatcher, PornoShooter, and Jay & Erin's Camera). It's already been put to official use in a couple of situations: during my Holiday Luncheon with the lovely folks at East West Players, during the 3rd Annual S.O.B. Christmanukkwanzaa Pan-Traditional Potluck & Yankee Swap, and during the Houdini music video shoot with Plastic Parachute. Snapster also captures a pretty mean video. If I ever get time to figure out where and how to store videos online, I may just post a movie of Erin and Heidi doing a little dance in their cocktail-/saloon-girl outfits.

Number two: the S.O.B. Theatre Co., though on production hiatus, held it's 3rd Annual Christmanukkwanzaa Party (as mentioned above). It was a smashing success, with our biggest turnout so far. Oddly enough, people were less drunk this year, which was probably a good thing since the most coveted and swapped-for presents during the Yankee Swap were a wooden samurai sword and a pair of stiletto daggers (courtesy of a couple of curio shops in Little Tokyo). Other fabulous prizes included a huge bottle of vodka, a gallon bucket of margarita mix, a tee-shirt that said "ninja" on it, and a tube of sex-it-up lubricant. Suffice to say, this party trumped last year's: everybody walked away with a fine present, the fire didn't sputter out, and the mix of people from our different circles of friends gelled superbly well. Sadly, we didn't have the annual reading of "The Pussy and the Sausage" (don't fret, Anna... we'll get to it next year!), nor did we do the improvised 12 Days of S.O.B. Christmas (there were just too many people), nor did Jeff find himself in any compromising situations (next year, Jeffey... next year).

Number three: as some of you may have surmised from the new pic I posted, I took part in a music video shoot for a band called Plastic Parachute. Check out their profile here to listen to some of their fabulous tunes. It's the closest I've gotten to performing in the past six months, which comes as a real shock. Somehow, I managed to scrounge a costume together and come up with a quick make-up scheme (inspired somewhat by Brian of the Dresden Dolls) and just have a good ol' time. The band is hoping to complete the video by this January and you bet I'll be posting about it as soon as it's released.

Now, I'm just looking forward to Christmas celebrations and a trip to the East Coast. My shopping is done, packages have been sent out, a suitcase is waiting to get packed, and I'm sitting on my hands, counting the hours until Thurdsday (my last day of work for the year and the official start of my Christmas break).

I've got a lot of thanks and appreciation to give. First, my gratitude goes out to everyone who made the S.O.B. party a fantastric success. Second, I'd like to thank the 'Chutes for giving me and my friends the opportunity to do what we love to do: get dressed and dance around like the fools we all are. Third, my thanks go out to Eric for the great early X-mas presents. The year, difficult as it may have been, is coming to a lovely close. Hopefully, the loveliness will continue into 2006. In the hopes of starting the year right, I've even decided on my New Year's resolution: to eliminate filler from my speech. "Uhm" and "uh" are the worst offenders, followed closely by "like." Hopefully, I'll have gotten rid of them by the second quarter of next year.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to ditch writing my commentary on Nintendo's next-generation controller. I think, though, that my replacement subject will be much more interesting to everyone: My Favorite _____'s of 2005 (music, movies, video games, moments, etc.) In fact, I think everyone should come up with their own list of bests and worst of the past year. It would definitely pique my interest so sharpen your pencils, everyone, and get cracking!

---

I sit here with a cup of comfort just cooled down enough to take in, trying to revel in the feeling of not being alone in this world.  It's been a bitch of a year.  I've been pounding the pavement for all sorts of reasons for the past few weeks.  Predominantly, the pouding has been for a place to live, though (after considering the current season plus the fact that I'll be eastward bound for a few days at the end of the year) Erin and I have decided to forego our search for a dwelling until next year.  I think my next bout of pounding will involve my fists and the general direction of heaven.

What have I to be thankful for right now?  I suppose one thing for which I can thank my Catholic upbringing is the rich celebratory traditions that came with it.

In the Philippines, Christmas celebrations begin as early as September. Since Filipinos don't celebrate Halloween or Thanksgiving, we cut straight to Christmas. As soon as the 9th month of the year rolls around stores begin to deck their halls, radios begin to play X-mas fare and peoples thoughts turn to shopping and preparing for the annual fetes and feasts. My father's family would roast a calf for the occasion. Coming from two large families, exchanging gifts around the tree was a long and exciting process. After the assortment of wrapped packages had been passed around, my grandparents' living room would be filled with the peals of children's laughter, mine tossed in there somewhere at the joy of unwrapping a package to find I had just received the Star Frontiers boxed set or the latest Dungeons & Dragons adventure modules I'd been asking for for the past six months.

I miss being taken care of.  I miss being cared for.  My body and soul are so weary and there's no one I can turn to for even the shortest of respite.  The remaining fringes of my youth are being scraped off as I desperately try to squirrel away some reserves to bring out when I finally have children of my own with whom to play.  That's actually one of the things I'm most afraid of now: that my progeny will have nothing but a tired, spent, hollow-eyed father or grandfather with whom to spend their youth.

Thinking about those old times now is almost enough to make me wish I were a child again - naive of the worries of adulthood and relatively free of the pressures of society.

Alas, that's not to happen.

So here I am.

Even the act of seeming happy, or at least somewhat content, is wearing away at my reserves.  I've not taken enough time to recover.  I suppose I've not been allowed enough time to recover.  I'm chasing a new dream - hot on the heels of the last failed one - I've not been given the time to recoup and regather, and I can no longer deny the toll it's taking on me.  If this continues, my will to live a full life will most likely break.  Unlike times past in which it was bruised a little, this time, it may be irreparable.  There will be some of you who will think this an over-reaction.  I, however, after a good decade of trying to figure myself out have come to the conclusion that I know myself well enough.  The possibility is quite real.  And once again it falls on no one's shoulders but my own to carry the weight.

Hell.  Let me be broken then, if that's my fate.  Let me clean up all the messes.  Let me push myself beyond limits to make wishes other than my own come true.  I imagine there will be other, much harsher bullets for me to take.  Perhaps the anesthetic of jadedness will make them easier to accept.