"'life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.' anais nin wrote that, not me. i think she was right - happy endings are not for cowards.

you dont need to know any of this. but the things i dont reveal are the things i hold closest and fear losing the most. i work overtime keeping them veiled and camoflaged. you dont need to know that i walk around all day fearing the things that make me happy, and that i have been doing that for my entire life.

you dont need to know that i run away from my problems. i pack up and move. i get out of dodge before i care too much, before i risk too much.

you dont need to know that growing up has come late to me. i'm the last one at the party. but at least i've shown up."

you dont need to know that i have the greatest family, no matter what any one else may say. that for my three baby sisters kelly, kathryn, and megan, i would do anything they ever needed me to. and that my mom is the strongest woman i've ever been lucky enough to know and how amazing it is that i can call this strong person my mom. and that i'm a daddy's girl because he and i are so much alike in almost everything we can be alike in. and that family, immediate and step-family, cousins and grandparents, aunts and uncles, nephews, and my unbiological sister mean the world to me and the saying 'we may not have it all together, but together we have it all' will always be true about us.

"when you run into love and it seems like some psychedelic mystery, look at it again, and again, and keep looking at it until you realize the only mystery is how you've gotten by so long without it.

you dont need to know that when someone confides in me, i feel needed. unless i dont like what i'm being told. what i need is something to hold against you. because if i dont have that, i will be crushed when you go away."

you dont need to know that on saturday mornings, i sit out on my back steps smoking cigarettes and drinking my peppermint mocha coffee for an hour or so just thinking about things to myself. and that i do this because its one of my favorite rituals that kim and i have ever had and i dont ever want to break it.

you dont need to know that i'm doing everything that i can by myself to try and get back on my own two feet. that when i think i may be getting ahead, something or someone comes along and knocks me back two steps. and that no matter how hard it gets for me, i will always refuse to ask for help from anyone. because i hate asking for help. it makes me feel ashamed and i'm too prideful for that. and i hate asking because i know i'll only be rejected.

you dont need to know that i live 8 miles down the road from my bestie and still havent seen her since i've moved back. and that thats just about the saddest feeling to me. but that doesnt mean i dont still think of her as my bestie. just that if i'm down, i choose not to bring down the people who mean the most to me too.

you dont need to know that i get paranoid wat to easy about almost everything. that i automatically think the worst. that when i see some kind of news documentary about a disease and have one or two of the symptoms i literally worry about possibly having that disease. and then i laugh at myself for being so silly because so far i've lived a healthy life.

"you dont need to know that i'm telling myself to stay when i feel like leaving. because leaving is easy, and staying takes work. but in the midst of work, i might lose some of my fear.

you dont need to know that up until i met him, my life's goal was self-preservation. and that when i met him, self-preservation felt genuinely lonely."

you really, really dont need to know about that kiss standing in his living room, the one where he did the hand thing and cupped my face in his hands. but it was nice - really really nice. "and when i think about that -- i'm filled with regret for not telling him everything he didnt need to know but should have known."

so...things got pretty rough for me for a while. lost the job. had to move. you know, things you dont want to go through. so, in the midst of all the changes that i couldnt control, i made a change that i could control, and cut off 16 inches of my hair. yep, it was waaaay past the middle of my back and now it doesnt even hardly touch my shoulders. and i like it. some days i dont, but in the end i had a good view about things: new hair do, new outlook on life.

and it helped brighten things, but only for a bit. there's only so many times you can make yourself cute just to sit around the house jobless for days and days on end. and it was days and days on end. so i busied myself by doing everything i could think of. cleaning things that didnt need to be cleaned. applying to anything and everything i could think of online. washing and rewashing loads of laundry. unpacking boxes just to pack them back up. and of course myspace. but i still started to get more and more down about things. i mean, a week went by and nothing, then two weeks...well you get the point.

and to top it all off, a couple of days after i lost my job, i met this guy. this really great guy. one of those guys that you just know is going to prove to you that he's not like all the others. only, now, here i am, jobless and living 45 minutes out of warner robins with my dad. so i made the mistake of hanging out with him...only to end up pushing him away in the end. yeah, i got scared. because i didnt know what he wanted, and i was scared that i could really really let myself let my guard down and like him...a lot.  and in the back of my mind was the question: why would he want to be with someone like me? i have no job, had to turn cell off cause of no job, and was basically stranded in elko? so i pushed him away. i told him that things were too difficult for me right now and that maybe once things got better we could pick things back up. and as i've been pointed out by my closest friends, that wasnt my call to make, though i'm only realizing it now. it should have been his decision. i should have just told him what was going on and let him decide if he wants to hang around or not hang around.

so....everything just seemed to keep getting worse. and i did what i always do...locked myself away from the world. which, i know, isnt healthy, but its how i do.

and then yesterday, i get a phone call about a job. and it was like i could actually start to see the sun coming up behind all the rain clouds that had been hanging over my head for over a month now. and i started today. and i really like it. so, now maybe things are going to start looking up. i mean, really, it cant get any worse, but i'm sure it could also. and who knows? maybe i'll get the nerve up to go see that previously mentioned boy and things can pick back up after i expose my vulnerable side and explain why i choose to push him away.

but the point of all this is, things are really hard. one of my favorite quotes is from sex and the city, and carrie says : "When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?" and it is scary...but with the love, support, and help of your friends and family, you can get through anything. so thank you, to my friends who pushed their way inside my "wall" of stubborness and hard headedness and refused to be pushed back out so they could be there for me; my family, for helping me pick up the pieces and start all over again. and of course God, cause, well, without Him, there are plenty of days i wouldnt have made it through.

keep me in your prayers please....so that things can start looking up and maybe those storm clouds will roll away for a change...cause that'd be a change i'd be glad to accept.

sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand.....and what you've been out there searching for forever is in your hands...and when you figure out love is all that matters after all it sure makes everything else seem so small........

Being Twenty-Something

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are many things about yourself that you didnt know and may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.  You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to, arent exactly the greatest people you have ever met, and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones.  What you dont recognize is that they are realizing that too, and arent really cold, catty, mean, or insincere but that they are just as confused as you. You look at your job....and it is not even close to what you thought you would be doing, or maybe you are looking for a job and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and that scares you. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and are constantly adding things to your list. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly, change is the enemy and you try and cling to the past with dear life, but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away, and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward. You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you. Or you lay in bed and wonder why you cant meet anyone decent enough that you would want to get to know better. Or maybe you love someone but love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you know that you arent a bad person. One-night stands and random hook-ups start to look cheap. Getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over, and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision. You worry about loans, money, the future, and making a life for yourself...We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

so...i totally cant seem to get into the christmas spirit. this sucks. i think a lot of it is because of stress. i mean, i'm no where near finished christmas shopping. not to mention i'm broke as hell. my classroom isnt even decorated. last year it was so cute! but now i have almost thirty kids and barely have time to do what i'm supposed to do to make it through the day, much less get myself and them into it all. *sigh* BUT my work christmas party was awesome. best one i've ever been to.

i feel like i'm stuck in this place...not quite depressed, but not completely happy either. i dont know what to do....

but, for the next three weeks or so i will be pretty busy. scannell is coming to town. mlc's christmas party is this weekend so i'll be stopping by to see them. plans saturday night possibly. meeting at work tomorrow night. jessicathomas coming to town. movie night with my ibzan! going to her work christmas party this tuesday. then christmas with the families... ugh, i already stressed thinking about it. it feels like not much, but at the same time feels like a lot. not to mention all the things i've been saying i'm going to do but never have enough time for. (speaking of which: jennifer, i WILL be stopping by one of these days with your gift and to see the kids. lol, i havent forgotten, just been crazy. but i'll call you and let you know when and of course to make sure you're there! tell jodi and chandler i said hey!)

i hate this feeling. UGH!!! i'm going to bed. i'm done bitching. well, not really, but i'll keep the rest of it to myself. :o) have a great rest of the week!

She's beautiful in her simple little way
She don't have too much to say when she gets mad
She understands she don't let go of anything
Even when the pain gets really bad
I guess I should have been more like that

You had it all for a pretty little while
And somehow you made me smile when I was sad
You took a chance on a bruised and beaten heart
And then you realized you wanted what you had
I guess I should have been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserve
I guess I should have been more like her

Forgiving you well she's stronger than I am
You don't look much like a man from where I'm at
It's plain to see desperation showed it's truth
You love her as she loves you with all she has
I guess I should have been more like that

I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserve
I guess I should have been more like her

She's beautiful in her simple little way

just random-ness....

just once, I want someone to be afraid to loose me.. the worst thing about being lied to, is knowing that youre not worth the truth.. your heart decides who it likes and who it doesnt, you cant tell your heart what to do...it does it on its own, when you least expect it, or even when you dont want it to...

"You build up an image in your imagination, and sometimes even convince yourself that it might be real. That it could be real if you wish hard enough. Then one day you bump into the real thing, and all your other ideas go out the window. Before you know it, everything is scrambled. It's all too complicated, and as a result, will probably come to nothing."

..> ..>

"When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun, then you grow up and learn to be cautious; you could break a bone, or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there is no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?" --Sex and the City

its always the ones you want that you are better off without...

I used to get away with so much
Now I can't get away
I even thought that it was simple
To say the things I wanted to say
And you told me everything I wanted to hear
And you sold me
Now I don't know how I should feel
I should know me
And baby, you would think I knew better...

"All our young lives we search for someone to love, someone who makes us complete. We choose partners and change partners. We dance to a song of heartbreak and hope, all the while wondering if somewhere and somehow there is someone searching for us."   -The Wonder Years

"reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesnt go away." -Philip K. Dick

"one's best friend is one's self"

"Dont be dismayed at goodbyes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes is certain for those who are friends." --Richard Bach

"Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be." --Carrie, Sex and the City

We all fall down; It's the getting back up that really counts. We live and we learn. And help someone up when it's their turn. In life there's only one guarantee: your feet wont always be on the ground. 'Cause we all fall down.

"If you're not careful, you become someone you never intended to be, and you cant go back." --Number 6 Fumbles

"My life feels like a piece of scrap paper all colored with crayon markings without the distinct black lines to guide me where to go." --Fishbowl

Sometimes the thing that breaks you can be the very thing that transforms your life.

..> ..>

If you dont expect too much from me, you might not be let down..