Paying respect to BLACK HISTORY

So i didnt take any sleeping pill last nite
it always gives me crazy dreams
like being Indiana Jones and shit
but still I somehow had this crazy dream

My old boss when I was working for Coopers & Lybrand
Peter van Vliet
once in a while comes back to haunt me
the reason is simple
he was an A**hole
yes actually with a capital A
He mocked me shouted at me
and ofcourse tried to screw me over big time
when we decided mutually to split ways
If it wouldve been a school
He would have been the bully and me the nerd

Fortunately I had such good contacts with my co workers
so when it came to splitting ways negociations
he didnt follow up what he promised me
and he was sitting there
with his colleague partner
telling me he will not follow up
I simply stated that I didnt trust the gentlemen
and next was
that they escorted me to my room
made me clean my desk and escorted me out of the building

The devestatious effect on work morale
of my co workers was such a burden for management
that they asked me to come back for one day
and they threw a good bye party
and they gave me what i asked for
wouldn’t have done this the same way now
but whats done is done

but Peter comes in my dreams
every now and then
so last night there he was again
he actually looks like that little guy
with the big head
in the cartoon show family man

I somehow was working in a huge highrise
glass all around
he was sitting in his room
I couldn’t find my right working attire
was looking for the right pants and shirt
i was wearing jeans and t-shirt
walking around on the floor in a frenzy
searching for what i needed
the partner’s section was loaded with suits
hanging in a row all the same color and fit
i was panicking

then I woke up
and first had this feeling of panic
then I realized
that it was a dream
thank god

and with relief I fell back asleep again
to continue the same dream
We all looked at our view
through the windows
the sky had a golden orange glow
the ground was way below
we were in the only high rise in the vecinity
and suddenly we saw it comming
this huge wall of dust rolling towards us
in front of this wall
a line of trains toppling over eachother
armageddon had come
we were about to die
we all knew

And i shouted in my last minute
that I loved them all
that I loved my wife
and my mother....

needless to say I woke up right after

So I read this newsletter
photo festival NOORDERLICHT in Holland
is asking for submissions of series
I happen to have this series
that the yanks don’t get
they view it and think of fashion and style
and question the work
with the thought "are you fucking serious here ?"
and yes I am

It is a series of portraits of women
and the off style is because I shot this in Kiev.
The ladies are all mail order brides
at the time when I did this story
and the trip to Kiev is as sad
as the feel of this work

Must admit I was sick as well
had the flu
shaking in bed
and hoping the trip was passing fast
the pretty red head guide was feeding me vodka
for we all know that cures everything
in Russia and former Russian countries

meeting and interviewing the ladies
was as sad as sad can be
all with this longing to leave misery
all with stories of domestic abuse
often related to alcohol abuse
God I do remember
we were photographing this woman
and her friend was there as well present
first mumbling in the background
and suddenly getting loud
she told us to get the hell out of there
because this man needless to say
under the influence of alcohol
was going to kick our western asses
and then we walked around
it was cold
and in this underpass
an old lady was selling her three patatoes
Just like my subjects
I wanted to get out of there
I simply cannot deal with this shit

Now i was a bit reluctant to submit
it’s work over and done with
but I have never been really able to show the impact
besides the publication where it was used for
and that wasn’t really
putting its finger on the issue
that in Russia every 40 minutes a woman dies from domestic violence
and that every day over 36,000 husbands and partners
physically abuse the women in their lives.
That per year in Russia 14,000 women lose their lives to domestic violence
compared to 1,200 in the United States which also has twice the population.
And all this should be known when you look at them

So I scanned this old story
and showed it to a good friend for advice
"yes this is great..."
so I will submit

Well I dont know what the reason is
but I wake up at 7.30 am
with this nagging pain in my new crown
yes the porcelain one
walking to the kitchen
cant find asperin
so pop some purple pill
that says pain on the package
not knowing
it was heavy medication
for when women deal with a painful menstruation
stumble back in bed
and wake up 2 hours later
like as if I arrive at lala land station
i was dizzy
couldnt figure really out what time it was
shit if this takes care of your monthly aches
it must be some unbearable shit

My day was OK
am still far from being in the right spot
am not in balance
music on my ipod maks me happy
and I shake my booty on the subway platform
the weather is so beautiful
that you can’t help being madly in love with this city

New York however is far from Lala land
and I can’t help but thinking of The Wire
when I see these kids on the street corner
hanging in front of the projects
do they also have names as Dukie or Bagel ?
well we even have the regular crackheads
walking the sidewalks
but the precinct on the corner
pushes everything underground i reckon

and I listen to Johnny Cash on my pod
"san quintin, may you rot and live in hell"
its still a beautiful city to me

What a day
a nice experience
somehow I got invited to a lunch
of the Dutch representative of the UN
Now I had no idea what to wear
with the Dutch you never know
what informal means
It can mean all look like shit

so putting on a nice shirt with cufflinks
nice tie and some corduroy pants
forcing a casual look
shit I should have worn a jacket !
because the moment I walk in
I see all these guys wearing jackets
well some had jeans on
but i stood out which i hate on these occasions

So it was a lunch briefing on the Dutch UN
and seriously 8 people attending
so pretty much an intimate happening
Lunch was tres tres chique
silver plate
glass and china with original Dutch symbols
good wine with every course
had to force myself not to drink too fast
and I had to force myself not to look at the bottom
of this china to see where they were made
silver couvert on the sides
very glad the servants took away what I didnt need

and there I am
sitting all reserved and thinking:
"what am I doing here?"
I am a photographer not a writing journalist

The Ambassador speaks about subjects
Darfur, Afghanistan
and me looking half listening
waiting for people to start before i did anything with my food
busy checking how people ate their food
to stay in line with what is correct etiquette

well I didnt stay in line regarding input
I was the only one not asking questions
the only one not making notes
felt like the dumb one in class

Lunch was finished
The host stood up and left
and we all had to leave too ofcourse
I wanted to somehow connect
with the Dutch journalists
one journalist asked for my business card
and he gave me his card
but it was coats on and out the door

nice experience
but next time I think I will pass

Some times I just surf
to see where my images have turned up
and on a regular base
I find my images on blogs and sites
Channing Tatum is a popular one
today I find it on some blog
which is not ok by me
I send them an email
and they mostly take the image out

but now this blogger
blogs on some big ass Canadian media site
they even have a TV program
and the funny thing is
they proclaim in their legal statements
that all images are copyrighted
and that simply copying is unlawfull under Canadian copyright laws
while in the mean time
they simply browse and use my picture unlawfully

so i do not know what my next step will be

I woke up in distress
Dreamt heavily and I know why
This good good friend of mine
betrayed my trust in such an earnest way
It has to do with money
resulting in putting me back to basics
Besides not understanding
how a person like that can live with himself
waking up with feelings of hurt
and the daily reality I have to face
realizing that I have to start all over again

Waking up thinking
and this didn’t stop
standing at the bus stop
again with these non fitting MAC earphones
looking at the other people waiting
all with these fracking white wires
from head to pocket
all hiding from connection
the city is so big
and so overwhelming
that we need to shut it off now and then

My thoughts were bouncing around
and the espresso I drink every morning
didnt help me much ofcourse

As usual I have a 1000 things to do
and do not know where to start
so I will do them tomorrow
But some things are accomplished
The still life shoot has been finished
the client is very happy
and even if the price wasn’t right
it fills me with pride
to be successfully professional
artistically that is

The subway ride
looking at people
Am not in balance
which results in noticing uglyness
the bum lying on the sidewalk
on the upper east side
his white socks were clean
his jacket a pillow

Docter’s office
allways this paperwork and signatures
the girl behind the counter
Eastern European full moon white face
her accent like Vigo Mortesson in Eastern promises
confirms all stereo types
the doctor has his roots there
the gangs of New York have never left
we all help out our own people

my mood is a bad mood
The fat lady at the terrace
I blow out my smoke
and observe
old sneakers some stretchy pants and top
black clothes hiding curves
I can tell she works in an office
putting her fork in a salad
"as if thats gonna help you fat bitch"

My self is shattered today
because of that dream
exposing my emotions
knowing I cant ignore
and I am this collection of words
one voice two voices and more
now I need to find out
to make this a harmonious composition
like Bizet did with his opera
some life times ago

This young boy
standing against the subway doors
tiberland shoes and bag
tell me he is in construction
he started early and he is tired
I am looking at his nose
what a great nose
reminding me of this chat I had
with the Consul general of The Netherlands
a few weeks ago
we were looking at photographs
and I see this beautiful Arabian woman in a family portrait
"Strong nose" is my remark
"I love these strong noses"

Can’t stop looking at his face
good he has his eyes closed
for he would have punched my face by now
A great nose on an ugly day i think

today I was sitting in the subway
and walking on the streets of Manhatten
with the white earplugs from my Mac Ipod
that always somehow never seem to fit
my ears are not made for them Mac earphones
(or is it the other way around ?)

I figured out something today
I simply love to listen to music
however there are not many artists
than I can bare for more than 5 songs
which means I like to listen
and true some songs even move me
yes every sort of music
but changing artist after song 5

And Jessye Norman is singing
her Bizet’s Carmen
I love to listen to a complete opera
or whatever Beethoven’s Tempest
or Seant Seans’ Carnival
I love to be cuddled by this warm blanket
of classical music
So lets accept it now
I am a classical music fan

Was thinking of composition
how every art piece needs to fulfill
certain rules of beauty
Every human being has somehow
these rules written in stone
The rules of beauty
well ofcourse they differ per culture
Like a Japanese will look at details
the skin the pores
And a European will love his straight lines
this vanishing point connected with its enviroment

and ofcourse it differs in history
Mere small variations of what is currently hip
Rubens’ his volupteous ladies
and Kate Moss’ heroin chique

However some rules must be obeyed
and they are Universal
And it doesnt matter how much art you studied
That will only explain where to find these rules
but we all know a photograph is not right
without needing to know a rule has been offended.

Like an opera song
words talk, one voice talks
two voices three and more
recipe for chaos, but NO
it blends in all together and becomes harmony
A composition of chaos turns into beauty
Dont ask me how this is possible
for me it is.....

My friend KOOS, fashion designer
asked me to design a collage of photographs.
He wants to use this for his master classes
that he is going to give in summer
at the SCHOOL OF FASHION ACADEMY OF ART UNIVERSITY
(yes the one who came up with that name
must have been on serious prozac)

Concept was the city of New York
as inspiration for fashion
The City as fantasy to create reality
It had to be done fast.
So on a cold Sunday
Me and my wife drove around in the city
Me stepping in and out of the car
to shoot the glass walls
and falic shapes of the Apple

Then I put everything together
in a collage
Together we shaped this poster
step by step
polishing untill it was a creation in balance

Now I am the worst
when it comes to communicating
ofcourse I can hold up a descent conversation
hell books music movies politics
name it and I do have an opinion
valid ones as well

but when it comes to the way
you have to deal with people in NYC
I still cannot get used to this
I am too straight forward
and when I have something in my mind
it has to happen
....now

I have been told
that in NYC
you have to communicate with patience
which means
you get an email from someone you'd like
to work with badly
you dont reply right away
you wait a few days

if people sense you are too eager
they will get turned off by you
and ofcourse I remember that was
one of the principles of sales

suppose you drive around
visiting clients
and you have this great gift in your bag
the clients asks for this
instead of giving this to the client
you keep it in your bag
and tell the person
"I think I have it, will do my best to make sure
you will get one"
you make a client feel special
you make him feel you go out of your way
to make him happy

and by bugging people
you annoy them
I still cannot find this balance
between letting someone go
and jumping on it
I always jump on it
like a motherfracking pitbull