So I am layin here thinkin bout life and love and many things. I am listening to love songs and wondering when I am going to find that special someone or if I ever will. Or if I am going to be the crazy cat lady. No matter what I do I'm invisible as anything but friend radar... this sucks so bad... ah well... whatever life sucks. Lol

So on a good note I got a new job. I am now a manager at Lane Bryant thanks to my good friend Kash introducin me to his Aunt. Heh and if all goes well, Kash, Rose and I will be moving into an apartment in December. I am so excited, cannot wait.

I have about a yr and a half of school left and then lord knows what I will be doin but we shall see.

So my mind keeps over runnin with thoughts on friendship, love, and life. I don't know where these thoughts are tryin to lead me but I am just letting them flow....I mean what else can I do. I remember this time last yr I was so happy and so in love and then everything changed in a split second... I will admit I miss him... I wish things were different but I think I ended it for good over the summer.... that was one of the hardest things I've done in a while... it sucks watchin someone you love walk out of your life. Haven't heard from him since either and that makes me sad... but what can I do.. I can't cling to my past... its not doin me any good.. I am here and he is there and that's the end of it. Nothing more will happen. He obviously doesn't care as strongly as he says he does or did cuz after the last time I saw him he hasn't tried to talk to me since.... but whatever...

There is so much bullcrap goin on right now though I don't know whether I'm comin or goin.. I have "friends" that claim one thing to me, and another to someone else.. then they talk shit about one of thier friends which makes me wonder what type of shit they talk about me.. which makes me question who my true friends are... so I have a lot of figurin out to do... and decide what's in my best interest... but at this moment I'm through "chasin" people.. y'all got my number or u know where I stay... I'm done goin outta my way.. friendships a 2 way street.. some people need to prove it.... be it to me or themselves.. but I've washed my hands of the bullshit... ah well ... I guess I have ranted long enough... goodnight for now.. I have a class in the morning...

So I knew moving away would be tough and I knew I would make new friends and I knew I would keep old ones. I knew I would lose some old friends as well...but I'm shocked at how separated from certain ones I am. It just seems odd that some people seemed to be worried before I left on how it would affect our friendship and yet it hasn't and the ones that weren't worried about it are the ones it has affected. I am curious to see how things will be when I come home for spring break... because I find it funny that some don't seem to want to talk to me or share things with me now that I am up here because apparently 4 1/2 hrs is too far to stay in the group but I bet when I come home people are gonna act like every thing is ok and I'm not...because to me... it won't be....and while I am good at acting I am just not good enough to pretend people are my friends when deep down I know they aren't.... I guess we shall see what happens when I come home....17 days to find out, eh?

I just joined the Navigator (my schools newspaper) I have my first editorial due Sunday night to set for print on Monday!!!!!!! :-) :-) :-) Will post it and a picture of it when all is done and taken care of!!!!

I just was offered management at my job in J-ville. I need to find a place to stay over the summer for 4 months if I get this job. Any ideas would be helpful. Thanks

I AM SO SICK OF IDIOTS!!!!!!!!!!! If my mood is depressed hey guess what..... SOMETHINGS WRONG I'M DEPRESSED! Seriously if one more person asks if I'm ok or how am I doing? when my status is depressed I'ma smack a bitch...
It's February..ok.. I am NOT ok.. I won't be ok.. Just hug me and that's all...
I want it to be March... I want to go home... I miss my family, my friends, my kittys... I need uber big kitty lovins... I would kill to have my midders here right now, curled up with me.... or tigger sniffin at me then goin "mrowr" and runnin... it would take away from the monotonous monotony of daily life....
I need a mothers hug...I miss curling up on the couch in my moms arms...
I miss even though he isn't here goin to visit Brian, and tellin him how things are going...
Yes I am depressed...
Get over it people... let me be..
I have panic attacks in large crowds... don't treat me like you don't understand so it isn't important.....
COMPREHEND I WOULD KILL TO HAVE A HUG! Not a quick hug either, I need to be held right now, I need a shoulder to cry on....
Yet as usual the one thing I need... I don't get....
And for people who are callin me... if I don't answer don't keep blowin up my phone, with the shit that has went down recently and the way I have been feeling maybe I am not in the mood to talk... maybe I am crying in a corner and can't speak long enough to talk... maybe I'm just not in the mood to talk. I will call you back if you leave me a message.... but don't expect me to hop to it... this month is horrible for me... I need time to adjust to spending it without my family...
w/e I'm out....

Well here I am. It is my 2nd day here... I'm extremely lonely... So me and my man decided to take a break for a month and now he seems to not want to talk to me...so that makes me feel even better being in a new area... *sighs* apparently my friends and mom miss me though.. so that is a good sign...

Financial Aid...well apparently I did a good thing when I raised my GPA because I was just awarded even more funding today to pay for school. So it looks like I will be staying here, I roughly owe around 3000.00 which should be dropping here within the next couple of days when I get my insurance cards and can drop the school health insurance. If I can get 25 hrs a week I will be perfect.

Roomates... well I haven't met my roomate yet, but I have met my suite mates. They seem pretty cool. Granted I am prolly the only gothic kid around here, lol but ah well. To each his own.

People... around here no one seems to know what to do with me. hehe. I am pierced, tattood, wear all black/red...I stick out like a sore thumb in this preppy/ghetto area. (bet those are two words you didn't expect to see together) lol... It prolly doesn't help that I am continuously playing with my newest piercing (my lip) THANKS LEXI AND LEVI! hehe...but w/e if people don't like me, they can piss off. lol.

Work... def. boring...lol... though there is a lot to do. I am gonna bust ass working on that department like I did at NPR Sears. This one is open sale though so it is beyond a disaster. lol. It looks like people just throw shoes every which way and omg at the MMR's in that dept. damn is all I gotta say.

Classes... start Wed. I don't have books yet, because well I don't have the money for books. So as soon as I come up with some money to buy my books, I may have them. lol. Heres hopin the library has a copy of them that I will be able to use.

...well I guess that is all the news I have for now... if you wanna know anything ask... I will try and answer as best as I can.

~*Amanda*~

So I move in a week. I have started to pack and get ready to move and my nerves are shot. I've been havin breakdown after breakdown. School starts on the 7th and I don't even know if every thing is taken care of bill wise. I am so scared to leave behind everyone I know and love. I know its for the best but I can't help but be worried. I know nothing but what's around NPR and I am scared to be on my own. I know I had my own place and every thing but mom was right down the road. Now I am going to be 4 1/2 hours away...that is not a quick drive. So if anything goes wrong I am on my own! I know NO ONE! Ugh. I know I need to do this and have to do this, but I may only go for one semester. I may be transferring back home and going to USF, which by the way I was accepted too. Took them long enough to get back with me, huh? *sighs* ah well its for the best or so I am going to keep telling myself.

I checked my grades I got 2 A's and 2 B's and graduated with a 3.5 GPA. So my AA is on the way. Which is a good thing. I can't wait to see it in its little cover. Then I can be all like HA! I did it! I did it! It'll happen just you wait and see.

So chillin outside my man's house...waitin for him to get out here and beyond bored. I kinda wish I could start this day over. So much stupid crap has happened today, I am tired of it. The drama needs to end, people need to move on with their lives and I need to get up out of this town. I am going to miss everyone so much but maybe the drama will be settled by the time I come home in May. Which by the way I return May 1st unless something happens and I come home sooner. But anywho back to the topic at hand for this paragraph. Drama and changing. I am so scared when I come home every thing will be different and no one will want me around anymore and that I will just be "the old friend" as so many have come to be. The few people I have in my life mean so much to me and I am scared to face reality and realize that change is inevitable. How you associate yourself with it and deny or accept it is up to you. I personally don't like change and am definitely not feeling it. So I'm scared that either I am going to be so different they won't want me around or they will be uber different and not want me around. It all boils down to I think I won't be welcome when I come back. I know its ridiculous and every thing to feel that way but I can't help it.

Maybe these feelings will go away when I leave and realize how much everyone misses me or whatever, or maybe they won't go away. Only time will tell and right now time is all I have. So as I move up and move on I will be focused on the next steps being taken in my life and I will make sure I follow the path that is right for me and not meant for anyone else. We shall see how things go and I will attempt to keep you all informed. I am going to try and keep in touch with everyone but if I can't know your in my heart and try to keep in contact with me, because I am going to be busy. Well anywho I am gonna step off my soap box and turn on the heat, cuz it's chilly outside. Peace, Love, and all dat good stuff.

Amanda

So I just bought my cap and gown...thanks to my mom and stepdad who paid for it. I graduate in 19 days....this is insane... I am graduating from college... granted its my AA but its still a degree... It is so being framed and hung... lol.. think it won't be...lol...

Now I am just sitting here waiting to find out about my housing situation... so I can prepare to move. I am so nervous... a few things have happened recently that are making me not want to move... I'm gonna miss my friends soooo much! I know its for the best though. I need to figure out what I am bringing with me...lol and I need to start packing....

I am going to miss my kitty so much... I'm so scared to leave her right now... she has a cold and can't seem to get over it... she's going around the house coughin and sneezing.... it's so cute but so nerve wracking cuz she's never been this sick before.... :-(  poor midnight...

well anywho I should pretend to pay attention since I am in class...lol sheesh I have such a headache... and I left my book in my car and it's cold and dark and I aint goin to get it... well g'night then...

Ok so for the past couple of months there have been a couple of guys that I have liked... aparently it is pointless... every single one of them as soon as I started to like them decided that they no longer liked me... they couldnt figure this out before I started liking them.. no they wait so I can get crushed as usual...

then they pull "oh im sorry...gl" or they just stop talkin to me... it isnt even like they are getting anything... no I just decide I like them and *poof* they are gone...

I'm getting so sick of it... Like this one guy.. he was so not my type and i decided I would try and my phone got shut off for like 4 days and during that time he decided he wanted nothing more to do with me... before that there was this one guy i really liked.. but he was leaving and he kept tellin me he liked me but the he all of a sudden decided he didnt.... well hes back and i dare not tell him i still feel strongly for him... beh then i met this other dude like a few weeks ago.....we have been talkin a lot and I decided I could see likeing him and things might be cool and he all of a sudden decides that his "ex" (which I second guessed the whole time we have talked) isn't gonna be his "ex" anymore.. w/e.. I just don't know anymore... beh.....Men suck....

why can't i find one guy who is legit..

I cannot wait till I move..... 48 more days!

I have came to my decision. I am going to be attending Jacksonville University. Classes start January 7th, so I will be moving up there after Christmas. I still have to send in my tuition deposit but that should be done next week, or so I hope. I'm nervous, excited, scared, the works...lol.. I have never made a move this big... the farthest I have moved from home was well 20 min...lol so this is gonna be a new and exciting experience. Here's hoping I can make some new friends there and such...otherwise it's gonna be a lonely 5 yrs. lol

So pondering recently whether I am broken or bruised... my bestie thinks I'm badly bruised others think I'm broken.. Personally I am no longer sure. People keep doing certain things to me over and over again...toying with my thoughts and emotions...so I don't know what to think, feel, believe... I'm trying to figure this out, while focusing on the more important issues at hand. Though the counselors at school made a good point...how can someone who has issues all their own teach children...how can someone who can't figure things out for herself...help others succeed... I know the statement wasn't directed towards me...but have you ever had a moment where you feel like what's being said is meant for you and only you? That's the type of moment I had from that...

Now as I sit here at 3:30am attempting to sleep, since I must be up for work at 8.... I start to ponder these such things and wonder if my favorite profession is really for me. Am I just being hard on myself because this past year I have been extremely stupid? I've let others decide for me what is mine and mine alone to figure out.... or is it that this really isn't meant for me and I'd be foolish to attempt....

So bruised or broken...whatever I may be...I am working on getting fixed and slowly but surely it is happening. I can no longer count on my heart to lead me down the right path...because I think it is finally safe to say it has done all it can.... because it keeps steering me down the wrong roads... and as stated prior...one can only take so much... so hopefully my mind is still something I can count on... lord knows I need something... well anywho I must attempt sleep for I have a truck in the morning...

Blessed Be!

Broken heart...Shattered soul...A vision of life...That once was whole...

To few words
To express how I feel
To many thoughts
Not sure which are real
To many fears
To figure which are worse

Two adults with dreams and wishes
Not sure whether to carry them out
Scared on what it could do to their friendship
If they let these thoughts play out

To few words
To express how I feel
To many thoughts
Not sure which are real
To many fears
To figure which are worse

Consensual thoughts
Consensual ideals
Others disapproving
Though tis none of their business
Only the two adults should be making this decision
Yet others continuously decide
Whether these two should show their feelings
Or continue to let them hide...

Amanda S. Boyd

Nails tearing down my skin
Blood flowing quickly
Pain releasing endorphins
Stress and heartache
Quickly slowing
Happiness pushing out
Pain helping it to win out
Anger fading quickly
Blood letting
What a remedy.

Amanda S. Boyd