Let me preface this by saying I woke up on the WRONG side of the bed this morning. /: I figure...maybe if I write and get it out, I can focus on work long enough to get a good number of hours in. 8 would be nice. I can probably do it. Then I'd only be like 3 away from my "goal hours". It's not really a goal, it's what I'm supposed to be working so we can live comfortably. It's just...things keep coming up...

Yesterday was a long day. I started writing a blog yesterday afternoon but fell asleep about halfway through and woke up and deleted it. Yesterday was not fun.
If you know me...or...rather, I should say...if you knew me before this year, you would know that my memory is seriously good. Not good like my good ol' friend Chalyce's good...but I've always remembered people's names, and things about them, and directions...and whatnot. Always. Until sometime this year...when things started fading.

2 nights ago I was talking with my friend James, and I couldn't remember the name of someone I dated. Not that I need to now that I'm married, but good GRIEF, that's kinda scary for me. Yesterday, I was driving to the Dr.'s office (I've been there before, less than a month ago). I ALWAYS remember directions the second time I go somewhere. I never have to ask again or look them up again, I just go and I get there - no problem. Lately it hasn't so much been that way. Yesterday, I could swear I knew exactly where I was going, however, I definitely got lost and drove around for about 20 minutes, making me late for my appointment. I get there...and go in the room...and after talking to a nurse for a bit the Doctor comes in and introduces herself. I've been to this Dr's office before, but apparently....I did NOT remember my Dr's name. I specifically scheduled an appointment with the WRONG person. The Dr. last time had told me her name twice (Charis), and told me to take 2 cards...and they had her name on them. I somehow scheduled my appointment with ANOTHER Doctor (there are only 3 in the office)....uggh.

I didn't really like this Doctor. She was nice enough, I guess, but she didn't seem to listen to me at all or really care about me or my problems. She read what was on her computer screen and didn't really listen to me. If you don't know, I've been going to the Dr. to figure out what's wrong with me. I've got a lot of symptoms, but the 4 biggest are probably 1-Severe Fatigue, 2-Weight Gain, 3-Memory Loss,  4-Depression.  Those all point to some sort of Thyroid disorder (Hypothyroid)...my blood test for that came up "normal" according the the Lab I went to, but at some labs, my results would be high. Which...means that I basically have the opportunity to start on a low dose of thyroid hormone and see if it helps me. This Dr. didn't really seem too concerned with this, she was more concerned that I might have a vitamin D deficiency because of muscle soreness. I tried to explain to her that my muscle soreness happened closer to when this all began this summer, and that my muscles are only sore/tense now from sitting at a computer all day hunched over. She didn't listen. She insists on another blood test (more money). At this point I could care LESS if I'm sore. I want to fix the 4 main issues that have been eating away at me for almost half a year of my life, or...more.

Anyway, I got through the appointment and just bucked up and took the dang lab sheet with me. I didn't want to, I told her that, but she insisted....gotta get that Vitamin D checked! As I head up to the front...I see the Dr. who is supposed to be my Dr. She was really friendly last time and saying hello to all the patients in the room, but she looked at me and seemed disappointed or angry or...something and didn't say anything. I can't blame her. I'd be slightly upset if a patient of MINE specifically REQUESTED another Doctor. ): I didn't mean to. I liked her a lot, and I really don't like this new Doc at all. But now I feel stuck, I feel like I can't go back to her because I've ruined some sort of trust or something. I go up to pay...and they can't find my insurance information, which I had specifically faxed them because they told me they would make a claim for my first visit (because my insurance card hadn't come in yet). They apparently have lost the information or couldn't find it, and the receptionist was not at all nice to me (when I came in or...now). I just hope they take care of it like they're supposed to. To top it all off...I was so overwhelmed on the way home that I was just...sobbing. Chance called me and while I was talking to him, I realized that the Doctor had never even WRITTEN me the prescription for the low dose thyroid hormone I was supposed to get. She gave me a sample, but no script. What? Seriously. Let's just hope they believe me when I call on Monday.

I just wish I could figure out what was going on with me. In order to tell if the thyroid hormone is working, you have to wait 6-8 weeks...and get another blood test. If that blood test shows your TSH is still at the same level as it was (mine's 3.1, we're trying to get it down to at least a 2.5)....then you've gotta increase your dose of hormone. Then wait 6-8 MORE weeks to find out if it's actually gone down. If it has gone down and I STILL feel bad, we'll have to start from scratch to figure out what's wrong. It's really miserable. The meds won't even start helping (if they in fact DO help) for at least another month and a half. I just feel like that's another month and a half wasted. Another month and a half of misery. Another month and a half where I'm not happy with myself or ...hardly anything.

I wish it were easier than this. The scariest part is not necessarily the fact that I'm always exhausted (but I am), or the fact that I've gained 25 lbs. I'm fairly used to depression, I can SORTA deal with that. What I can't deal with is memory loss. The things I've forgotten already just kill me. My short term memory is almost non-existent. If you introduced yourself three times 5 minutes ago, you're lucky if I remember your name. I don't remember much about a lot of moments in my life, unless there are pictures of them. (Thank GOD there are pictures of my engagement, and a blog about it). I'm losing things, and losing them quickly. I'm losing people's names, and I'm losing moments I held on to. I'm sure some memories I could care less about...but this is really scaring me. I'm a very nostalgic person, and to not be able to recall that is scary. If it is in fact my thyroid doing all this...hopefully it can get fixed in 8 weeks and I'll just have to be on the meds the rest of my life. If its not, we'll have to start from square one, and by that time I feel like I will have lost a whole lot more. It's pretty bad. I can go somewhere and completely not remember why I'm there. I try really hard to hold onto things, but I'm losing my grip.

This blog is long, and there's really no point but to say I'm just scared. And miserable. Maybe this isn't my thyroid. Maybe it's just depression. I don't know that depression can eat your memories, but I guess it could. Whatever it is, the depression keeps getting worse BECAUSE of it. If you were losing your mind and what you held dear...wouldn't you be depressed? Or if you were 25lbs overweight? Or if you could hardly stay awake for an 8 hour period? It just keeps getting worse.

There's so much else going on on top of that. So many things I just can't say yet. My mind is a train-wreck. I'm just ready to be back on track. I had a spurt of happiness the other night...at an amazing concert (The Swell Season) - Thank you James. I wish that euphoria would stick with me. I wish I could be happy around my husband and friends. I try really hard to be. I just am sick of having to put so much effort into being the most mediocre of happys. 

I need a new outlet. I really want to write music...but I can't remember anything I write. I'm too tired to learn to play anything...there's just so many forces against me right now... So many things going on that could change my life forever...so many thoughts in my head that I can't push out, and so many that I love that I can't keep in...

...and I just re-read my blog from July 17th - a little after this all started. And...wow. My feelings haven't changed since then, besides getting worse. That's scary. I bet when I wrote that blog I thought things would be better by now. That's...funny...

...the lump in my throat...it's always going to be there, isn't it? Cheer up? It's not that easy.

This blog may end up being private. Or I may end up deleting the whole thing (or parts of it) after I write it. Or...I may just leave it, because it is what I'm feeling right now and I shouldn't have to hide behind some fake smile. Or even a fake smiley - in the case of the internet. It may be long. It may be short. I'm just going to see what comes out. It'll probably be more of a venting blog than anything, because I guess that's what I need most right now.

I know this is going to all sound like I'm overexaggerating. Maybe I'm taking things too far. Maybe things aren't as bad as they seem. I'm aware of this. Just...gotta get it out somehow.

I miss life...years ago. I miss simpler times. Some days I'm really excited about owning my first home with my wonderful husband. And other days...most days...are like today. I'm overwhelmed. Not in an 'overjoyed' way. There's so much that has to be done.

I'm talking to friends while I write this. Maybe enough stuff will get vented into those little AIM boxes that it won't end up here. Probably. I'm a chicken. I can't say what I want to say...for fear that it might be read...by people who probably need to read it....but I don't want anyone else to hurt.

This darn bubble I'm in. My thoughts aren't coherent right now, they're all shooting around in my head causing misery: 30 pounds - 60 hours - unpacked boxes - sprint - groceries - laundry - work - stuck - thyroid - exhaustion - to do's - halloween - the past - finances - pressure - disconnect - immune - sickness - addiction - depression - forgetting - sweat - skin - music unheard - secrets - photos unedited - trapped - fixing things - family - love. There's so much more to it than that. So many words left out. So many thoughts unexpressed. So much I can't say to anyone but myself.

Maybe the Dr. can help me tomorrow. Maybe with at least one or two things. Probably not with the others. They're things that can't be helped, as I see it. How many pills would I have to take to be okay?  How many would I have to take to be MORE than okay?

I can't open up completely to this text box. To the internet world. Not yet. Too many involved. Too many possibilities.

This isn't going to make any sense to anyone. Probably won't make sense to me if I re-read it. Oh well. Gets something out, I guess.

Now back to work, back to the grind, back to the list, back to missing, wanting, needing, losing my mind.

P.S. - I may be out of pocket for a few weeks. If your emails don't get responses, if your phone calls aren't returned, I'm just trying to get situated. Nothing against you at all. Just a lot going on right now. I'll get back as soon as I get the chance, or as soon as I can think straight.

Well...I've been sitting here for 30 minutes debating...about what to write...or whether to write, or not.

I could write about what I'm feeling right now...which is a lot of things. That sort of blog would make a few people feel good, but it might hurt someone's feelings unnecessarily. But in times like these, I wish I could get my feelings out somehow. Sometimes they overwhelm me. Feelings...and thoughts. It's the thoughts that can turn a good day bad.  It's the thoughts that overwhelm you when you're lying in bed for 4 days...feeling useless.

I could NOT write a blog, and instead...update my music section of my profile (which I doubt anyone reads) - for my own sake. So I can use it to keep up with bands I'm currently getting into, or bands who have upcoming albums I want...or...well...just a more updated version of what it is.

I could write a blog about my future...as far as a career goes. And...I guess that's what I've decided is the safest thing to do...and probably the best.

I really don't know too many people out there who KNOW what they want to do, except a few musicians and artists, and certain career-minded friends. Myself, on the other hand....ha. I'm far from knowing what it is I should do with the rest of my life. I've figured out a few things here and there along the way - things I DON'T want to do.

- I don't want to sit in a cubicle, or be on a computer at a 9-5.
- I don't want to do the same thing every day
- I don't think I want my job to involve much (if any) web design
- I don't want to do something that doesn't allow me to be creative

...the list goes on and on, really. I gave Chance a longer version of this list verbally the other nite. He said..."so you want to be a stay-at-home wife...who's unemployed?"

Not quite, Chance. But I...like you...really want to figure it out...and...fast!

I don't want to waste any more time. I already wasted 4 and a half years on a degree...when I could have been getting experience in the field. What field? I don't know, but experience nonetheless. My degree still feels worthless, completely. I know it probably isn't. It's from Texas A&M, that's gotta say something, right? But it still feels like a boring ivory sheet of paper with a dumb gold seal that says "The person who earned me is not worthy of a full time job, thanks."

So...for now...I'm going to make a list of things I might want to do...someday. Or...things that I've wanted to do at one point, that are still possibly feasible.

-write and illustrate children's books
-be a realtor
-be a "budget" interior designer
-flip houses
-be a photographer
-manage a band (or two, or three)
-be a wedding planner
-be a home stager
-be a pet sitter, or foster a few pets
-write for a music magazine

I'm sure the list goes on much longer than the one I've written. As soon as I post this I'll think of something I forgot to put. The problem is...ALL of these things have their pros...but they all seem to have MANY more cons...things that jump out at me and say "CLAIRE, you CAN'T do that forever! There's no way!"

Most of those things, I think I would enjoy for a time, but not for long enough to...make it worth the investment it would take to get there.

I'm stuck. I could go back through that list and for each item...list at least 10 reasons that I shouldn't, wouldn't, couldn't do those jobs.

Some days, I think God gave me a musician's heart, and a musician's passion...but without the talent to be musical. Some days I wish I could play music and make people feel the things that certain music makes ME feel.

I wish there was a job out there...that just required me to ENJOY art, look at other people's works, listen to other people's music, taste other chefs' cooking...if that job existed...I'd do it in a heartbeat. I appreciate...and analyze...everything creative, it seems...but I'm not creative to DO the things I LOVE to enjoy.

This has gone on long enough....and helped no one. I guess maybe someday I can come back to this and figure it all out. Maybe someday I'll have a better idea of what I want to do.

Til then...I'm stuck. Ready to not be...but...stuck it is.

It's August now.

I keep holding on, keep waiting for things to change. They do change...but not how I'd like, not the kind of changing I'm talking about. But there's change - up and down, up and down. At least it's fairly consistent. But I still don't know how to deal.

I guess I'll just hold on every day. Until things start changing, or...stop changing. Whichever happens.

Its just so redundant it hurts.

ME! A day in the life of me.

It's been quite the Friday, just let me tell you. There were many events leading up to today...but...today was "extra special." Let me preface my story by saying that for SOME unbeknownst reason, Brewster decided this week that he was going to revert back to his childhood. He's been almost perfect since we've lived here in Austin...his potty training finally stuck...and he was doing really well. He had also stopped eating pillows, sheets, and any sort of cloth he could find. Finally - a house with pillows (or so we thought). But for some reason, he's gone back there - back to puppyhood. My theory is that he's just not quite getting as much attention as his brother Freddie (who has to be watched 24/7, because of his injury)..so he's acting out.

My morning started out fairly normal. I woke up when Chance left, fell back asleep for about 15 minutes...and then started having nightmares, and woke up every 5-10 minutes for the next hour. I finally gave up on sleeping, since my dreams were horrible anyway, and got up. Here's where it all begins.

9:20 AM - I let Freddie out to do his business. He "does both businesses" and comes inside.

9:25 AM - I make myself a bowl of cereal while Freddie scarfs down his breakfast.

9:30 AM  - I sit down at my computer with my bowl of cereal, take one bite, and get ready to start working. Freddie starts pacing around the room frantically and whining. I can't figure out what's wrong.

9:33 AM - I let Freddie out again, after determining that he must need to go potty a second time in 15 minutes. And apparently...I was right.

9:40 AM - I sit back down at my computer, take one more bite of cereal, and Brewster's whining. I leave Freddie in the study  (where my computer and cereal both are), and put Brewster outside.

9:41 AM - I sit back down, but Brewster's whining at the step...because it's wet outside. He refuses to be outside when it's wet.

9:43 AM - I go outside with Brewster, so that maybe he'll go to the bathroom if I'm out there. He pees. Woo hoo!

9:45 AM - I come back in and feed Brewster...then head back to the study...where...

9:47 AM - Freddie has gotten on top of my desk (literally. He's done this ONE time before). But this time he's eaten my cereal. Almost an entire bowl (minus the two bites I'd taken) of my beloved Kashi. It was the last bowl too. /: 

10:00 AM - I figure out that Chance didn't win the photo competition, some really pretty crappy picture of some little muddy kid won. It wasn't a cute kid, and the photo wasn't even remotely good. This make me upset with the world.

10:09 AM - I'm about to clock in to work when the internet goes out. I can somehow still chat on instant messenger, but none of the web browsers will go anywhere. Crud. Now I can't work. I restart my computer and decide to shower.

10:20 AM - After complaining to Chance for a bit, I shut the dogs in our bedroom. I lock Brewster's kennel, (with him outside of it), because the past few days he's been pulling his bed out of his kennel and playing tug of war with Freddie with it. He's not supposed to do that. It's his bed, not a toy. Plus, I thought we had trained him to NOT eat cloth. Guess not.

10:22 AM - I hop in the shower.

10:40 AM - I come out of the shower, and Freddie and Brewster are playing tug-of-war with our bathmat. Thanks guys. There are little red shreds all over the room, and the bathmat is destroyed. Grr. Whatever. I yell at the dogs for a minute and then storm off. They're oblivious. Completely. I'm pretty sure Brewster was trying to punish me for not letting him play with his own bed.

10:58 AM - I catch Freddie eating Brewster's food (whatevre he didn't eat), but I don't even care anymore.

11:00 AM - I sit down at my computer, about to start working again...Brewster and Freddie are both in the study with me, and everything seems to have calmed down, after that last hectic hour and a half.

11:04 AM - I notice Brewster's not with us anymore. He's gone and pooped in the living room (for the third day in a row). He's Mr. Prissy Pants and doesn't want his butt to get wet by pooping outside. Another mess to clean up. Yay.

11:08 AM - I try to look up how to get rid of the mosquitoes in our yard, because in the two times I've been outside today, I've accumulated at least 13 new mosquito bites (to add to my 57 I already have). I'm going to die.

11:20 AM - Chance and I start discussing the flies and the snails. (we have a lot of those too). Every time you walk outside, flies swarm you, mosquitoes bite you, and you walk all over these crunchy little snails. It's sick. Our yard is like a rainforest.

11:30 AM - I finally go blowdry my hair

11:35 AM - I hear the dogs fighting over something and turn around to discover that they're both tugging on the quilt that Chance's mom made for him. I yelled really loud and for a really long time. Then proceeded to put it out of reach.

11:40 AM - They find one of our towels to play tug with. This is ridiculous.

Somehow...in 2 hours and 20 minutes they've taken my day from bad to worse. And...on top of all that...today was the day I quit Maggie 'N Me.
But that's another story...for another time. That was rough. Left for the 2 hours that Freddie would let me...and got to come home to such wonderful pups.
RIGHT. And it monsooned on my way home, and took me 45 minutes to get here.

Haha. Oh well. A detailed account of a few hours of my life. This is pretty much the reason why I never get any work done. Having a 1 and 2 year old is pretty tough. Or a 7 and 14 year old, however you want to see it.

I'm probably never having kids at this rate.

Let me preface my 10 Random Things (about me) list with another story.
If you haven't read my first blog from yesterday (the one about Freddie)...you should read it first.

I took another bath today. This time...Freddie brought one of my shoes I wore to Senior Prom to me...and almost dropped it in the tub. I laughed and laughed. When I got out, I walked into my bedroom only to find one of my Wedding shoes had also been brought out for me. Apparently, my Border Collie wants me to dress up more often. This is the second time he's brought out both of these shoes. Maybe he wants to date his mom. That's kinda weird. He's just too cute.

Now...I don't typically do these things...but Miss Vida tagged me. She did! And...it seemed like an okay thing to do. Beware, I might tag you at the end of this (but probably only if you subscribe to my blog).  Some of you may know all these things already...but some of you...may not! Duh dun dun!

10 Random Things (about me)

1. I drink diet sodas as if they were water. I probably drink 1 cup of water a day...and a minimum of 3 sodas. Usually more.

2. With me, everything turns into a chore somehow. I guess it's part of being obsessive compulsive.  Most of you know how much I love music, but when I'm working at home I rarely turn it on. Somehow it becomes a "chore" to listen. Everything I enjoy eventually turns into something I "have to do". Isn't that terrible?

3. The other day, Chance noticed that in like 70% of the pictures of me that exist (the ones that aren't "self portraits")...I have one hand in my back pocket. Weird. Now I'm going to notice every time I do that. I had no idea, really.

4. I sat down and cried when we first painted our living room. It was Mexican Restaurant Neon Yellow. Now...it's mint green. We tried about 4 times to get the right color, but it never came out right. At least it's not glowing neon anymore. If you'd like to see the right color (or a closer match), go visit Jason and Jade Poe.

5. Pet peeve: When people misspell Homophones (I think that's what they're called). I misspell a LOT of things...but for some reason, this really bothers me. Chance does it all the time (poor guy).  For example...when people say to, when they're supposed to be saying two. Or...too. Or they say their when it should be they're. You get my drift.

6.  I am a girl. This might seem obvious to some of you, but to those of you who knew me BEFORE I got married 6 months ago, this might be shocking. Not only am I a girl...I actually...*gulp* kinda like to shop. For clothes. And SHOES! Oh no. (If only I had discovered this before ---when my parents and grandmother paid my way). Man.

7. Even though I am a girl, I still hate glitter (not the movie - the sparkly stuff. Although, I'm pretty sure I would hate the movie too). It's not even a hate. It's more than that. I loathe glitter. Ick.

8. For some reason...I only REALLY like movies if they're set in modern times...and usually in America (occassionally England, but rarely). For some reason I just can't get into movies like Lord of the Rings...or...Crouching Tiger or whatever. Blah. I hate medieval stuff...and for some reason I just can't get into movies about other cultures. It's really sad too. I'd consider myself someone who knows and loves film. Just...American film I guess (with some exceptions).

9. Things I'm really super interested in, and wish I could learn more about: Time travel and Cults.

10. I don't have much of a desire to travel, although, that desire HAS gotten stronger in the past year or so. I have a list of places that I want to go...but they're mostly in the US. I promise I'm not a biggot. I just am a homebody I guess.

The end! Wasn't that interesting? Ha. I'm gonna tag a few people now:
EDIT:::*For those of you who don't know what being tagged means, it means I expect you to post 10 random things about yourself. Oh yes. It's expected.*

Ryan Parker (last name so there's no confusion)
Brooke
Nicole
Chance
Sherrice
Mikey
Michael
Amanda

Feel free if...anyone else wants to do it. I wanna see everyone else's responses. It's kinda fun. (:

Off to the vet again. Another fun day.

Wow.

It must be that time again. About 3-5 times a month...I get like this, and there's no telling why. I just get depressed. I just feel stuck. I go crazy. And that's where I am today.

This is going to be another incoherent rambling, as they all are. Oh well. I guess if you read my blogs you're getting used to it. Or you've probably given up a long time ago.

Unfortunately...myspace is public. I could privatize my blogs (and I might resort to that)...but I just don't see a point. Maybe it WOULD help. Just don't know.

I can't really talk about the things I want to talk about. I'd love to go into the details of how I feel about my jobs and the people I work with. I'd love to go into details about my marriage. I'd love to go into details about my friendships here in Austin, and the friends that are far far away. I just feel like I can't. I used to be such an open book (and I still probably am if you talk to me for long enough)...but now I feel like I can't say anything. I feel like my mouth has been shut and locked and I can't find the key. I feel like anything I say will be used against me. And...I don't feel like I can share my real feelings about anything. I feel like there's this massive wall between myself and the rest of the world...that keeps getting more and more substantial.

I've shared with some of you my feelings on where I am in my life right now. But...not to the depths that they extend. I feel like I'm known at a surface level by a lot of people right now...but no one really knows what's buried inside me.

I'm kinda at a loss for purpose. If...that makes any sense at all. I feel fulfilled (well, sorta). I feel like there's not much left for me to do here. I feel like I've done everything I can for anyone I can do anything for. I feel used up - expired.
I'm lacking new goals...the ones I have I know I can't obtain. I do the same thing day in and day out...and never feel like I got anything done. But then...what do I really have to do?

I'm lacking purpose and direction right now. I have been for a while...but it keeps getting worse and worse. So many people I felt close to, so many things I wanted to do. It all feels lost now as I sit in this chair at this machine like a zombie. That's what I feel like. A Zombie. The living dead.

I also feel like I'm having to live vicariously through other people. The only things that give me a feeling of satisfaction or...make me feel useful...are my friends' lives.  I like to hear about their relationships (or lack thereof). I like to hear about the drama. I sometimes even wish it was me experiencing that drama...or the heightened feelings related to it. I've just been kinda stoic lately, if that's the right word. "Blah" would describe it quite accurately, I believe. I also find myself often looking back and mentally reliving the past...because I'm not satisfied with the "now".

I've divulged too much. I've gotta stop before I go too far. This is my life.

Most of you probably know by now that Freddie got hurt...pretty badly. Tore 4 tendons (on a stick...somehow)...playing fetch with Chance. He had surgery and they were sewn back together, however, they somehow tore again. So...we're having to keep him drugged up and "calm" (which is difficult with a border collie, to say the least). Anyway...it's just a matter of time (months?) before he heals. His back right leg is pretty darn messed up, but he'll be okay (see my newest pictures).

I'm in a kinda sour mood today. Don't know why...probably just being couped up in the house. I decided maybe a bath would help (I always try and it never really does). Anyway....I have to halfway close the shower curtain, otherwise I'm pretty sure Freddie would jump in with me...he's always sticking his head in and trying to lick me or something. Anyway...I got out of the bathtub...and pulled back the curtain to find...a purple flip flop.

Now..normally this might not make me smile so big...but I got quite a chuckle. This is at least the third or fourth time Freddie has brought me a single shoe. It's never the same shoe, always different. It's as if he's trying to be my stylist - trying to tell me what to wear. It never matches what I'm wearing, ever. I mean, right now I'm in my pajamas...and purple doesn't go with maroon. But it's hilarious. Just one shoe. "Here mom, I think you should wear this. Or..maybe it'll at least make you feel better."

The only exception to shoes is when Freddie brought me the feather duster (as if to say the house was messy).

He never brings Chance anything. Just me.

Thank you Freddie for making me feel special...even though you're hurt.

I guess my blogs aren't really ironic...kinda like pretty much nothing in Alanis Morisette's song is ironic either. Oh well. Whatever. Misused word. Anyway. We're past that now. Let's move on.

I'm sitting here, it's 2:30 in the morning, and I'm not happy. Why? Not really sure. What the heck is wrong with me...and why do I write when I'm upset? I don't know. For sympathy? Probably. Empathy maybe. But that's not really what I want.

I want to write. I want people to read what I have to say. But...at the same time...I'd love to have a blog that no one else reads. However, as I may have mentioned before, every time I journal, it just makes EVERYTHING worse. Nothing better. There's so much I need to say, so many words that could fire off of my tongue at any second...yet I'm speechless.

There's so much that I want, yet I have no idea what I want. I'm clueless. What's best? I don't know.

I'm sorry, I know this is cryptic. I guess this is the best way for me to get it out without being blunt. Without really getting it out. So...will this help? Who knows. Probably not. Does it ever? Eh.

It's another one of those missing times. Those wanting times. Those needing times. And...I'm feeling slightly empty. As usual. I'm ready for something new. New feelings, new hopes, new dreams. Waiting for them to come find me.

But for now, it's 2:30 in the morning. And...I'm writing...nothing. Ramblings that won't mean anything to anyone but me. And I sit here, listening to the white noise coming through my earbuds. No music, just noise. Just nothing.

I have 3,000 adjectives floating through my head right now. I don't even know what to say. It's one of those days. Maybe someone out in blogland knows where I'm coming from, what I'm talking about, what's missing. Maybe. Doubtful. If they do, they probably would never find me. It's such a crazy, huge world. And...I'm lost in it right now. Invisible, practically.

On a better note (since none of you understood anything I just said and probably didn't read it anyway...)...if ANYONE gets this far...

I did do one thing today. I decided if I had copies of all of these particular songs, I'd make a mix CD with them. You guys should listen. I unfortunately don't have all the albums. Maybe when I have extra cash someday...I will. Anyway, here it is. I hope you can find all the bands on here (or somewhere on the web)...listen and enjoy.

1. SEE IT NOW - Spades and Atrophy
2. WILLIAM FITZSIMMONS - Please Don't Go
3. SIA - Breathe Me
4. THE EVERETT - Pain of the Year
5. PAPER ROUTE - Sing You to Sleep
6. THIS WORLD FAIR - Drama
7. PARAMORE - Misery Business
8. AVENUE FOR AFFAIR - Rapture of Love
9.  RESIDENT HERO - Behind Your Back
10. REGINA SPEKTOR - Samson
11. THE ENRIGHT HOUSE - Darkwave=mc2
12. MODEST MOUSE - Fire it Up
13. THE WORKING TITLE - Never Run Again
14. ASLYN - Wally
15. JON MCLAUGHLIN - Already In
16. POMPEII - States
17. THE AMERICAN DOLLAR - Twelve Days Awake

That's it folks, I guess.
Maybe next time it'll all make more sense. Maybe I'll figure something out. Maybe I'll be able to speak my mind without using words no one else can understand.
Doubtful. Seems to always be like this. Sometimes it seems like I'm getting deeper and deeper. And I'm feeling very unnecessary right about now.

So...today's been...well...a day of thinking to say the least. This whole week/weekend have been a time of thinking. Come to think of it...I'm pretty much always thinking about something, so I guess none of this is a change from the norm.

This weekend was fun. Got to spend some time with the church kiddoes (Nicole, Sarah, Corbin) on Friday...shot my first wedding with Reflect Austin on Saturday...and had a date with Chance on Saturday night. Today (well, it's yesterday as of now...it's 12:01...ANYWAY)...was really really great. We visited John V. and Sarah H. (soon to be V.) at their new apartment...

...and THEN we went to go see FLATLAND! YAAAAY! It was a short animated film adapted from a book written in the late 1800s. It's a story of several dimensions. You should watch the preview at flatlandthemovie.com. It was pretty impressive...and my good friend Ryan Parker (those of you who knew me freshman year of college might remember him) was in charge of the sound effects, foley and the final audio mix in the film. I'm super proud of him. He did an awesome job. Also...the guy who plays Buster Bleuth on Arrested Development did a voice (as well as Martin Sheen, but that's not the point)...but Buster was hilarious (I refuse to call him by his real name).

We also made two new friends...Amelia and Curt. They might not know they're my friends yet, but sooner or later, they'll figure it out. (:

Anyway. None of that is what this blog is supposed to be about. And I'm already rambling. This might be a novel.

Honestly...I've just been stuck in thought lately. Lots of the things I've been thinking...I'm gonna' coop up inside for now. I'll get those thoughts processed through and spit them out later.

There are probably 2 things that hang over my head on an almost constant basis.

1. What's LEFT of my life?
2. What should I do with it?

1.The "What's LEFT" question stems mostly from...being pretty much done with my life's real goals. If you'd asked me in junior high or high school what I wanted to do with my life...I would have probably responded "fall in love, finish college and get married, and MAYBE manage a band." Bada bing, bada boom. That's it. I never really knew what I wanted beyond that, and I never really felt anything beyond that was necessary. I enjoyed the process of finding my love...and now...what? Have kids? Maybe. That's not a goal. I could care less at this point whether I ever give birth. Just be in love forever? That's not really a goal either, I kinda expected that.

So at 23, I've fulfilled what I wanted to do with my life. NOW WHAT?

2. What should I do with my life? I guess 1 and 2 are pretty much the same question. It's just so hard to be motivated to do ANYTHING Now that I've attained my goals. The thing I want MOST is to be with people, to continue making new friends and hold on TIGHTLY to the old ones that I just love. Unfortunately, in this day and age, there is hardly ANY time for that. I'm working THREE jobs. I feel as if I rarely have enough time for myself, my husband, or my boys. I want to have time to invest in people. But...that isn't going to make me money. I can't eat off of my friends. It's too bad, eh?

SO what? I'm working 3 jobs. Two of which are things I thought I might want to DO with my life. Now, I'm not really sure about either of them, if I'm going to be honest. Nothing appeals to me.

I've always felt this way, and it applies even more now: everything I do...I'm OKAY at. I'm not GREAT at anything. But I'm also PASSIONATE about everything I do. Or at least, I used to be. Until this point. At this point, everything seems like a stressor. I don't enjoy any of the things I used to, they're mostly just a pain in my rear. It's hard when the thing that makes me who I am (MY PASSION)...just LEAVES. I'm left with what?

Exactly. This is where I sit tonight. My passion's gone, my goals fulfilled. What's left for me?

"There's so much left for you Claire...you get to have kids...a family...you'll find a job you love one day..."

That's all fine and dandy, except those are probably your goals. Not mine. Like I said, all of mine...are pretty much fulfilled.

Anyway, sorry this is kinda a depressing rant. Seems like they all are.
I'm off to bed. To wake up tomorrow and start over. The same thoughts, the same feelings, day in and day out. Here goes.