I believe that all humans posess three things.  They will have them until they die.  They were given to us, I believe by God, but others may believe by nature.  Our three posessions that were are born with and that we will take to our graves, and maybe further, are our hearts, our minds and our flesh. 

Our hearts, I believe, are everything good inside of us.  Our inner strengh to keep us going when life is tough.  The drive to do good for others, even if it doesn't benefit us.  Our heart is our supplier. 

Our mind is capable of many things. We build bridges and enormous towers and cities with our minds.  Better than any animal (or any other animal), we have strenth in all 5 known senses.  Our minds are in the middle. they are the civilians in the inner human war. 

Our flesh is evil.  It is selfish.  It's the stuff that rots, wrinkles.  It's the stuff that craves drunkeness, drugs, sex, even pain.  It doesn't care if the sex is with love, without love, within marriage or without.  It all feels the same.  It wants and wants, and nothing can satisfy it, though we try.  It is blind.  And one day, it will return to the earth of which it was made from. 

I believe that we have gone wrong in that we have let our mind slip into the grips of the flesh, not all the time, but some.  The mind is on the center of the balance.  If you let it fall towards the heart side of the balance, it falls in love.  If you let it fall into the grips of the flesh, it falls to peices, maybe even to hell. 

We all have good hearts.  Every single one of us has the ability to care and be cared for, and to love and be loved.  There's a God contiousness, and you may have felt it.  Don't believe the mear words of humans,  because it's hard to tell which balance they have leaned towards.  Take a filter with you, and see if they are speaking from their heart.  But that really doesn't make sense, right?  You can't lean towards a balance, because you will disrupt the balance and fall to one side or the other.  There is no balance, no ying yang.  You can't walk the line.  You can't walk the line.  If you stay there, you will find that the line is curvy, unbalanced and disoriented.  The line is the devil's back yard, I believe.   Listen to the voices inside of your heart.  You were born with a good heart.  You were born with a good heart. 

 He had mistreaded his love and their unwed baby son in the recent weeks.  Even though he was young,  he'd thought he was near the end of his life.  He was confused and gave up on a new beginning early.  One day, the great spirit came down and made the man a deal.  A tornado would come in the night and crumble the town and wipe out the towns' entire population.  The great spirit told him that if he wanted his family to live and his townspeople, he would have to come face to face with the tornado.  This would be one bigger than the town had ever seen.  He didn't have long to decide.  However, he made his mind quicky.   He kissed his love while she was sleeping and his baby as well, and he left.  The tornado would be here soon, and was coming from the west.  The man ran though the woods as quickly as he could.  It would be less than an hour.  He ran to meet it.  Drinking his own sweat and his heart beating against his ribs, he ran.  He jumped over fallen trees and payed no attention to the thorns tearing off into his face.  He felt liquid running off of his face, but didn't stop to see if it was sweat or blood.  And there it was, off in the distance.  Enormous and hungry still yet.  He could wait in the path for it, but the bigger it got, the bigger the chace for a change in direction.  He lept over some rocks and ran along the seashore.  Holes were already in his mocasins and his face was littered with thorns.  No one would ever see this face of his ever again, at least in this state. He thought about what the great sprit had said.   "Go at it full speed.  Wrestle the tornado.  Your love and child and other townspeople will see you in the afterlife".  This was his chance to save them, and become the hero that he had so long wished people would see him as. The great spirit said, "When you get there, you'll know what to do". Although puzzled by these words, the man lept at the tornado with much faith, and he attacked the monster black with sand and debris.  He swung vilontly and kept his eyes open.  He finally reached the middle.  It was calm, and the outer winds were keeping him suspended.  Not knowing what to do next, the man screamed in frustration and despair.  Out of the bottom of the tornado, the devil made his way up the middle to greet the man, as if to offer comfort.  He was actually a beautiful creature. He shook his hand and embrased him.  As the man was almost ready to comit his life to the devil in trade for an easy, painless death, he had his one and only vision.  He looked at the devil's heart as it pulsated and pushed and pulled his red chest.  The devil was sweat as the man looked off into the distance, towards his home town.  The man was thinking ,and the devil didn't know what.  The vision was this: The man was to rip the heart out of the devil with fury and bite deeply into it.  This would crush the tornado and scare the devil away from this land forever.  As the man leaned in, he knelt at the devil's feet.  As the devil knelt down, the man looked at him with bleeding eyes.  The devil thought that he had won another soul.  As the man lept up, stepping on the devil's feet for leverage, he sunk his hand into the devil's chest.  It burned.  His hand felt like fire.  The man pulled it out, and the devil tried to take it back.  Before he could, the man turned around and bit into the devil's heart.  He looked back at the devil, as the tornado began to fill that hole where the devil's heart had laid.  The man fell back and hit his head on a boulder.  The tornado had filled the devil and swelled his body so much that he burst and was blown away by the remaining winds.  The man looked up to see the townspeople watching from a hill not too far from there, for the noise was prominant.  He saw his love and their baby in her arms.  Before he could stand, he realized that his legs were broken and that his skin was raw from the sand.  His mouth was badly burned from the devils' firery heart and his teeth were gone.  He knew that even if he survived this, he wouln't want to go back, for they would never recognize him.  With his last breath, he whispered into the air "Love.  I would do it again".  He hoped that the wind would cary the message  He gasped and then fell onto his back.  The townspeople and the love and child fell asleep that night outside.  They didn't know what had happened, but they did hear the roar of the tornado.  The next day, the girl and her baby were walking along the sand to try and find the man.  They never did, but written in the sand where he was swallowed by the earth was "Love. I'd do it again".  The met up eventually.  Everyone did. 

Here are all the scars/injuries to the left side of my body. 

Three screws in my left shoulder from tearing my labrum in a backyard football game

A ligament problem in my left knee, when I put all my weight on it, like walking down stairs, it hurts like the dickens

My left arm was badly burned (2nd and 3rd degree) from a fire I tried to jump in late October.  The scars are looking pretty cool. 

My index finger crunches when I move it from extended to curled. 

My middle finger was broken in 2nd grade when I tried to catch a football

I hyper-exteded my pinky when I fell off the stage in Cancoon when dacing with a girl named Linsey from Pittsburgh

A scar on my left wrist from a spider bite

A bone chip in my left elbow that freely floats around from when I fell down in rollar hockey

A baseball hit me on the left side of my nose when tring to catch a fly ball my first year of little league. It slants to the left, and you can see a big bump in my left nostril. 

My right side:  A scar on my right eyelid from when a German Shepard bit me when I was 3, a scar on the right side of my temple, when I was tripped and fell on the edge of a lunch table in 6th grade, a small burn scar near my right elbow.  What do you think? 

I've been inside way too much since I got burned.  When you have Tic disorder and you are ADD, you have to wiggle. I've been wanting to get outdoors for days.  There really isn't an excuse, I've just been a combination of busy and lazy.  Its two in the afternoon, and if I don't get out now, that early fall sunset will decrease my chances of exploration.  After dropping off a movie, I head to Pandapis Pond.  Nothing even close to seclusion, but it does have some nice bike and horse trails that are rather long, and great for walking and running.  I park my truck and take the same trail I took last time.  Three weeks ago, I ran 20 minutes out and 20 minutes back, the same way.  But I assume that most, if not all the trails that lead out of Pandapis lead right back there.  Its mostly filled with families and kids and girls jogging with dogs around a well-maintained gravel trail that runs completely around the small resevoir.  I begin running down one of the bike trails, jumping over large roots and somehow pretending to be in the wilderness.  I needed this.  I am graduating in December, and still somehow am not completely motivated to do well in school.   A few classes missed and a few homework assignments done half-way later, I'm worried about making the minimum grades.  But that was on my mind on the way here.  Now, I'm breathing moutain fresh air on a trail that I will not run into many, if any people.  I come up on an old man, and he says hello.  I stop and chat for a second, and then head up the hill.  The trail is obviously man-made,  but only somewhat maintained.  At least I am on ahalf-beaten trail.  I walk for about 30 mintues, a slight inclined slope.  I walk on rocks, set by someone else, over the almost non-flowing Poverty creek.  I have never come this way before.  Last time, I took a right at the split, but this time, I am heading West. The small brown sign says "snake root", and it sounds interesting.  I don't figure it will be too far, and I will turn around and come back after I find it. Still walking uphill, I've been gone for about forty-five minutes.  A slight sweat breaks, and the air is cool, but the sun is shining bright.  The trail begins to steepen and becomes more narrow.  Leaves are covering the majority of it, but I can still tell that it was made by people.  Deer trails are different, and for someone who doesn't know the woods, they might not even be visible.  I keep walking, deeper and deeper into the woods.  Shots ring out from far away.  But this is still all recreational, at least I think it should be.  As I'm still walking over the leaf covered, I know that I don't have more than an hour and a half before the sky turns black.  A slight hint of fear runs through me, but my legs keep moving.  My spirit wants to explore.  The most dangerous animals in these woods are rattlesnakes and copper heads, but its been rather chilly the last 2 weeks.  I still have to watch my step, because if they are not in hibernation, they would be on the trail, where some dirt is still left uncovered, and was beaten by the sun all day.  My biggest threat now would be the Black Bear, and I figure they are timid, especially with the opening of hunting season and the constant firing of guns close by.  The only thing that can hurt me today is myself.  I am still climbing, and the mountain is becoming much steeper. The sunset is always either to my right or in my face, telling me that I am still heading roughly Southewest, the same way I've been walking for more than an hour.  I could turn back now and certainly make it to my truck before dark, but it won't happen.  That thought crosses my mind only once.  I begin to see the crests of other mountains off in the distance.  The sun is shining in a way that makes the colorful leaves burn to their full potential.  It is stunning.  If worst comes to worst, I can spend the night out here.  Under the stars.  But more importantly, under the leaves.  All I have with me are my keys, my worn Nike all condition gear shoes, shorts, my hat, an old German knife and the dressings that are wrapped around my left arm and right hand from the fire I tried to jump just 10 days ago. And a sleavless vest with short sleaved shirt.  I keep moving.  The sun is bright in my face, at eye level now.   It will be hard to see in less than one hour. The trail continues, but it begins to turn back.  I am filled with a little dissapointment, but still yet, a little relief.  But it only goes toward the East for a couple of minutes, and then continues Southwest uphill.  If I am going to turn back, it better be now.  I am so high now, and things look and feel different from up here.  It reminds me of when I went hiking by myself in the Great Smokies of Tennessee.  The air has cooled at least 10 degrees, and I have to close my sleavless vest in order to keep some heat and hydration in.  About ten minutes later, I come to a fork.  Two totally seperate trails, unmarked.  One goes off to the left, back roughly Northeast, to where I think my truck is. The other continues on the same path, leading away from my home.  The trail on the left is narrow, but still looks to be man made. Although it heads back East, those trails meander so much that its hard to tell where it will lead.  I pick the Western trail.  This trail is a little larger, and it looks to have been a road at some point. It does turn into a road.  You would need a rugged 4-wheel drive to handle it, but it has been recently used.  I continue, and finally come to another road which looks more user friendly.  I know that this road either leads towards civilization, or away from it, both good.  Its not well maintained, but you can see hints of gravel on it.  To the right heads dead West, right into the sunset.  To the left is back East.  I desperatly want to continue to where I know home is not, but I figure I better start moving to as least where I think my truck is parked.  After about one hundred yards, I see fresh oil on this dusty road.  I come up to very highest point.  The air is noticably thinner here than down there. An enormous bon-fire circle with black coals inside.  This could be an ultimate party spot.  The road leading into it comes to a culdasack, and it leads downhill.  I see a few unfaded beer case boxes, meaning that someone has been here recently.  I begin my journey downhill, still clueless to where I am, and to the right there is an old abandoned house.  A V-style roof, almost touching the ground.  Kind of creepy.  Kind of cool.  You can see right through the open door that has been boarded with one skinny two-by-four.  I look to the left, and see what looks to be a town.  Far off in the distance, I see my college.  Virginia Tech, and I see beautiful Lane Stadium.  I am tempted to vear through  the woods to get there, but it is probably more than 5 miles away, and in the woods, there is no guranteed clear view of the stars.  I keep walking.  My uncertainty is done, but my journey is not over.  I finally see a mountain biker hauling up toward me.  I stop him and ask if this leads to Pandapis.  He says yes, and to go down the hill and take the first trail on my left.  Relief.  Contentment. I keep walking and see a mom and a daughter running up the road in my direction.  I smile, knowing that I am probably not far away.  The sun is barley visible, and I realize that I only may have survivied the night.  I see the trail on the left, but I keep following the road. The trail is well maked and would be quicker, but I want to see where this road leads.  I want to return to that fire pit. I know Pandapis is somewhere to the West.  I can hear constant gunshots coming from the firing range that I've been to twice.  The road is longer than I thought, but I am sure it leads right out to 460. Before I get there, I see a powerline trail on my left.  I decide to take it back to Pandapis.  This trail probably leads right to 460.  I see the sign for the Jefferson National Forest half-way down, and I know it to be roughly 200 yards away from the Pandapis entrance.  I'll be in my truck in about thirty minutes.  I come to 460 and walk along the other side of the guardrail for a little bit.  To the left is the most beautifully colored tree I have seen all day. I've been in the woods for who knows how long, and have seen thousands of trees.  Who would have known that the best tree is right on the side of the highway.  Either a Sugar or a Silver maple, the bright orange and deep red stuns me.  I can't help but think that God cares about our every needs, and our every pleasure as well.  I hear something in the woods to the left, and I see a white figure moving fiercly.  At first I think its a family or just a person running or jumping, but then I see her.  The biggest Doe I've ever seen, just 20 feet or so from the road. The whiteness of her tail was like an early snowfall.   I begin to think that maybe my whole mission of coming here today was to scare her away from the road.  Or maybe it was to find a small peice of this heart I've been trying to desperatly recapture. As I see the entrance in the distance to the pond, I decide to take the woods the rest of the way.  No trails, but I know exactly where I am.  Highway noise to my right, and remnance of a once-bright sun off to my left. I'm heading back North.  As I scamper through the woods, I can't help but feel a little sad about the end of my journey.  But that ends quick, and a rare feeling of completeness fills my body.  What a wonderful thing when your mind and your body listen to your heart.  I come up on the cars parked for the bike and horse trais. My car is another 10 minutes away, close to the pond itself.  As I begin to walk along the well-maintained gravel road, an SUV comes flying by and dust blows through my eyes and my lungs. The same dust is on the plants and trees on both sides of the road, something I've never noticed before.  I am back in the real world.  I am at a constant battle with myself.  I love the outdoors, and always have.  I was lucky to have grown up on 40 acores for most of my childhood.  I came to college in 99' , and soon switched to a Fisheries Science major.  Working in fisheries would give me security.  But security is something I haven't held onto.  I like the road.  I love the white lines on a one-way highway.  My biggest achievement is my music. I want to tour the country with my band 300 nights per year.  I want to move down to Texas and join the music scene.  The music there is real, and the people are too.  When I'm almost to my parking spot, I realize something.  When you listen to your heart, you will never fail. You can never fail.  You may stumble, but in the end, you will be victorious. The body is weak and the heart is strong.  Your mind can choose to go either way.  If it listens to the body, you are doomed.  I see my truck up ahead.  Only one other car parked in the gravel lot.  Earlier, there were 20. I use the last bit of light to look at the map behind the glass. It doesn't go that far.  As I sink into my truck seat and turn on the headlights, I sit and listen to the semi-silence for a few more seconds. As I close the door, it comes to me.  The motto.  The motto of my life that I must always abide by.  I was born to rock and roll, I was born to live slow, but I know I can't have both, so I chose to rock on.

This is a new song I wrote, cause' the shoulder never gets the girl. 

Either love me or get away

I got things that I cant say

Around your friends

My hand I can not lend

Being there just leads to sin

But I could be there

Till the bitter end

But I can not be your friend

Ive traveled lonesome roads

I had conversations with myself

w ell ive gone months without the rain

and ive thone my stories down the drain

but you are sloping road

and it changes, baby, where do I go

I could fight against the grain

Or I could choose to cut it down

Before it reeping time

I could stay awake all night

Yeah I could fall from the neon lights

When its sleeping time

Or I could crawl to you

Baby what do I do

I either need you

Or I need you gone

I may have myself to blame

But im always picked last for the mind and heart games

Two rights done make a wrong

And im glad you are here, for this song on its debut

But I have a little something for your inner ear

The girl I love, she is not here

Im sorry dear, its not you

Its not you

Its not you
tried and true

I wont be tempted

Cause shes not you

Shes not you

Cant get over, so you gotta go through

Dear Ms. Allen

Forest had a very bad day at school today.  He seems to think that everything we do is a joke.  Even when I have to move his monkey on the tree, he laughs.  We had a test in reading today and he didn't want to follow directions - he wanted to do what he wanted to do.  I realize its getting close to Christmas and he may be excited, but Forest has never had his monkey so far down the tree.  Could you please talk with him about his behavior and I will keep you informed to how he is doing. 
Thank you
Joanne Williams
Dec. 10, 1986  (Kindergarden) 

why do i stay up so late
just to do the things i hate
why do i cry out for my king
and then curse him with what I bring
why do i wreck the things i love
why do i bury the things i trust
why do i waste the time given to me
wake up in the morning and just want to sleep

everthing is going to be alright
sometime in the day, go to him
for he knows all, returns all calls
even though im a piece of the ground
he's always around

why do i act like such a man
i hope they dont find me out again
i would be wrecked in front of the crowd
i would just gnash and cry outloud

why do i waste the blessings he gives
why am i searching where none ever lives
why do i seek what i know wont work
why do i let the enemy lerk around
he lerks around
but he could be gone
if i pray to my father
gone
if i trust in my maker
gone
if i just trust what i already know
gone
if i believed it all from you
Oh my God
Oh my God,
please get him out of here

i walk down all the narrow roads
but they lead to where i wont go
i get so far and turn back around
i guess im scared to hit the ground
i guess im scared to fall on me

oh God, please come
be here in the morning
come
what im really asking for
is an open heart
and a trusting heart
and a listening ear
so that i can come all clear
so that i can make amends
to the God who only befriends me
oh God, im sorry that ive lived
a restless life, please forgive
but for i ask you, God just know
I know I don't deserve your show
you paint the sky
you drop the rain
you make the wind
again and again
you only reign
you only love
you only ask me for a little love
just a little bit of what you gave me
and sometimes, i think its mine
how selfish could i be
to think that life is all about me
for God i know
you are the only show i need
why do i not see clearly
why do i not call you
why do i not light the places
it should be an honor
God, please let me find it

Here's a new song I've been working on, just the lyrics. 

Baby we can leave our handprints

There's wet concrete in every town

I keep hearing everybody say that you two gotta settle down

But I don't want to settle down

I want to saddle up

Cause' we were born to rock n roll

We were born to live slow

But we know we can't have both

So we chose to rock on

My guitars can be my horses

Your saddles are your skies

Our engine is the sunlight

That keeps coming from your eyes

To be restless is to die

Its just like kissing the devil

So we'll leave before he gets here

Keep our tounges against the medal