I am thinking about him again, my dad. I am remembering the few years we had together. I am remembering the mistakes I made. I am reliving the words that were said both good and bad. It's hard. There seem to be so many more bad things in my head than good. Why is that? Why do we remember the worst? Remember when we would go to the flea market every weekend and then to eat? Remember when we used to cruise  around in your car listening to billy jean and thriller? Remember when you told me you only loved me because you had to?
You were right. I wasn't a good kid. I wasn't something to be proud of at that time in my life. Not something to show off to your friends. But I was young and scared and confused. I didn't know who I was and I sure as hell didn't know you. How could I? You got custody and I left with you that day. I didn't remember you. I thought you were dead. No one ever talked about you. Why would they? You weren't there and it just confused me more. I was on the verge of something. On the verge of life. And then everything changed. Yeah. I wasn't a good kid. But I was a kid. I stole, and lied. I got involved in the wrong crowd. Tried a few things I shouldn't have. But I was a kid. I just wanted love and acceptance. Why could you never accept me? Why did everything about me need to change all the time. Why was I never good enough? I tried. Honest I tried. Still nothing was right.
I'm sorry.
You didn't know about being a parent. You never had to raise a child. You got me in the worst years. I was emotionally messed up. Years of crazyness had effected me by then. You got me on the verge. I was growing up. Almost a teenager but not quite. What do you do with a kid that age? What do you do with a kid who is already broken? I was broken. And you couldn't fix me. No one could. And I wasn't ready to fix myself.
I forgive you.
I forgive you for all the pain you caused me and I hope that even now you could forgive me. I'm sorry I didn't get to say all this before you died. I am sorry for everything. Neither of us was innocent in the whole thing. Neither of us was without fault. I am sorry for my wrongs. I hope you were happy. Before you died I mean. I hope your new wife and you were happy. I hope her daughters were better children for you than I was. I hope the children they had brought a smile to your face. I hope you know I never hated you and that I thought about you from time to time. I hope you are in a better place. I still love you dad. I miss you.

I hate when things change and suddenly things get weird.  Even worse...I hate that I'm the one that's making them weird. I can't stand this feeling. I suddenly feel like I'm outside of everything. Do you think knowing something means you can change it? If so then maybe there's hope because I know I bring these thoughts on myself. 

Oh, and I miss you.  Alot.

Sometimes I amaze myself.  Lately it's been way more than sometimes. I am amazed every time I smile or laugh. Every time I make a joke I find myself wondering where it came from? How is it that I can laugh when I don't really feel so humorous or jolly? How is it I can do anything but cry these days? It's as if this false, happy/funny reality has become a dam of sorts that holds back the tears. One little thought and it breaks.  One little thought and I find myself  needing to rebuild my false reality.  I'm tired all the time now and it's hard to get out of bed. I'm scared and it's hard to close my eyes because I see nothing but horrible things happening. I'm...done...just done.

Your Stories, My Alibis
by: Matchbook Romance

speak to me
tell me something so typical
a lullaby or something miserable
that will keep me up at night

cross out my eyes
i know you planned it
you know i love you
and i can't stand it
we just lost control
(we just lost control)

lie to me
give me something worth living for
tell me a reason worth fighting for
give me anything, anything to keep me breathing
lie to me
give me something worth living for
tell me a reason worth fighting for
give me anything, anything to keep me breathing

go lie to me
tell me stories so beautiful
an epic of something so terrible
that it makes me weep

cross out these days
on your calendar
it hurts me so much
and im not quite sure
i care anymore
(i care anymore)

lie to me
give me something worth living for
tell me a reason worth fighting for
give me anything, anything to keep me breathing
lie to me
give me something worth living for
tell me a reason worth dying for
give me anything, anything to keep me breathing
[x2]

anything to keep me breathing

Odd, but I'm sitting here thinking of my father of all people.  Yeah, the one who didn't want me.  The one that was too good for me.  Let's face it, the one that regretted me.  WHY? I can't help but wonder what he's doing now.  Does he think of me? Would he finally be proud? Why can he still make me cry and why do I miss him? Why do I die a little when I think of everything that happened?Why do I suddenly feel small and unimportant?  I don't hate...it's too much effort...but if did...I still couldn't hate him.  Even if he ''only loves me because he HAS to''.  *sigh*  Will I ever stop crying?

Handful of Redemption

by: Boy Sets Fire

The sick and tired refrain of everyday is branding itself into you
Discouragement defined by all the times when everything just falls apart
And your skeletons have broken down the door and left you there for dead
How do we find a little piece of heaven
In our time before we find acceptance
When no one understands at this point
That a handful of redemption's all we need
From remorse to rebirth finding it hard to think that this is really true
Ask how long should we wait before we take instead of waiting to be free
And all, all the fear all the anger falls away
All the days that were wasted cut and pasted fall away
Never walked so tall until that moment when fate and circumstance collide
When all it takes is a step that you never saw and burdens fall away

Remember when I used to be nice? I know I do.  What happened?  When did it all become too much? Why do I care anyway.  No one is REALLY nice anymore. Deep down we are all fake.  Thanks for reminding me. I had almost forgoten why I decided to avoid letting people in. YOU FUCKING ROCK!

I'm Ready

By: Jack's Mannequin

[And today was a day just like any other]

I'm on the verge, I'm on the verge
Unraveling with every word
With every word you say, make me believe
That I won't feel your tires on the street
As I'm finding the words... you're getting away

I come undone, oh yes, I do
Just think of all the thoughts wasted on you
And every word you say, say something sweet
Cause all I taste is blood between my teeth
As I'm finding the words... you're getting away

Well I'm ready, I'm ready to drop
Oh, I'm ready, I'm ready so don't stop
I'm ready so don't stop, Keep pushing
I'm ready to fall, oh, I'm ready
I'm ready so don't call, I'm ready so don't call

I am aware, I've been misled
I disconnect my heart, my head
Don't wanna recognize when things go bad
The things that you'll accept
Except that I am finding the words... to say

I'm ready, I'm ready to drop
Oh oh oh oh oh, I'm ready
I'm ready so don't stop
I'm ready so don't stop

[I wake up to find it's another
Four aspirin morning, and I dive in
I put on the same clothes I wore yesterday.
When did society decide that we had to change
And wash a tee shirt after every individual use:
If it's not dirty, I'm gonna wear it.
I take the stairs to the car
And there's fog on the windows.
(As I'm finding the words...)
I need caffeine in my blood stream,
I take caffeine in the blood stream.
I grip the wheel and all at once I realize:
(And you're getting away...)
My life has become a boring pop song
And everyone's singing along.]

Well, I'm ready, to drop, well, I'm ready
I'm ready so don't stop, oh
Well, keep pushing, I'm ready to fall
Well, I'm ready, I'm ready so don't call
I'm ready so don't call, oh... oh... oh...

Something I wrote quite awhile back.  It came to mind earlier though. Haven't we all suffered for something in a parent's life?  Just, I'm sure, as they have for something in their parents life.  Is there ever an end or does it all just cycle through?  Are we destined to eventually repeat a mistake, an action, a thought?  Are we destined at all? Do we have any say over our life with the choices we make or, in the end, is it already planned? These are the things I think about when thinking is a problem. Anyway, to the poem that inspired this thought process or perhaps was inspired by this very thinking.

CHILD OF THE FALLEN

He suffers needlessly
Wondering how this could be
Thinking of how life could have been
He is a child of the fallen

He floats through the day
Never quite sure what to say
Silence brings the call in
He is a child of the fallen

Another's past brings pain
Misery is all he'll gain
This world he will feel small in
He is a child of the fallen

Acquaintance is his only crime
Knowing will not change with time
Fate is to never know when
He is a child of the fallen

Left with a vast nothingness
Nothing more and nothing less
He has suffered for another's sin
He is a child of the fallen

Because I love this song so much.

Goo Goo Dolls
Sympathy

Stranger than your sympathy
And this is my apology
I killed myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out

And I wished for things that I don't need
(All I wanted)
And what I chased won't set me free
(All I wanted)
And I get scared but I'm not crawlin' on my knees

Oh, yeah
Everything's all wrong, yeah
Everything's all wrong, yeah
Where the hell did I think I was?

And stranger than your sympathy
Take these things, so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And now my head's been filled with doubt

It's hard to lead the life you choose
(All I wanted)
When all your luck's run out on you
(All I wanted)
And you can't see when all your dreams are coming true

Oh, yeah
It's easy to forget, yeah
When you choke on the regrets, yeah
Who the hell did I think I was?

And stranger than your sympathy
And all these thoughts you stole from me
And I'm not sure where I belong
And no where's home and I'm all wrong

And I wasn't all the things I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one to kneel before the dreams I wanted
And all the dark and all the lies were all
the empty things disguised as me

Mmm, yeah
Stranger than your sympathy
Stranger than your sympathy
Mmm hmmm mmm

I had every intention of sleeping in today because it just happened to be one of my days off.  Did I? No, of course not.  In fact, I was awake earlier than I am on days I do happen to work.  I didn't actually get out of bed until over an hour later though.  I just laid there thinking.  Too much thinking really.  I doubt I am the only one that thinks when I shouldn't.  Sometimes I just wish I could turn my brain off. Sometimes thinking just makes me sad when all I want in the world is to be happy.  I feel like everyone around me has someone and I am destined to be alone. When I lay in bed thinking, those thoughts pop into my head. The inevitable 'lonely thoughts' that I try so hard to avoid.  There are some days where I think I really DON'T want to be in a relationship, I just want to be held. *sigh* Again with the thinking that I have been trying to avoid.  UGH! I think I will just go off to do something happy now.  But first...some lyrics.

BLINDSIDE
ALL OF US

As soon as you stepped through my door,
I saw You for the first time all over again.
And time well spent seems
Lonelier than the way it used to go.

As I smell you for the first time all over again
I'll begin to remember to be alive
So if you don't mind
I think I'll wear my heart on my sleeve,
'Cause I'm tired of not being able to bleed.

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark.
All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark

I've felt a loss for some time
I slipped, stumbled, but fell face first
straight into your hand.
Then I hit my head on your palm
And waking up to the smell
Of tears drying up in the sand

All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark
When it's the same old word giving me the spark.
All of us are searching for an open arm.
Well, it's a shame how I curl up in the dark

I washed my wounds with tears of hope.
I washed my wounds with tears of hope.
I just ...

All of us are searching for an open arm
Well, it's a shame how I pull myself apart.
When it's the same words making me run for cover to your arms.

(All of us are searching for an open arm)
When it's the same words making me run for cover to your arms.
(All of us are searching for an open arm)
(All of us are searching for an open arm)

Everywhere I turn I see of hear comments about kids these days. I'm amazed with the many reasons people have come up with for why the younger generation is the way it is.  Most of it seems to turn to blame one person  or another.  I don't want to blame anyone but I had a thought. 

Most often, our generation gets compared to those of previous decades and we're found lacking.  However, I feel that one key element is left out of all of those comparisons, necessity. The more our society andvances on a discovery level the more we digress on a social level. 

For example, there are those of an older generation that make comments about the younger person's work ethic.  Think back to 19th century housecleaning for a moment as an extreme.  Food was cooked on a wood or coal burning stove that had to be cleaned before every use, filled with kindling and paper, watched continually throught the day and fed more to keep it going.  Now we go to our electric or gas burning stove and turn it to the tempature we want it.  Before the late 1800's there were no factories to prepare the food.  Poultry had to be killed and plucked, fish descaled, Coffee roasted and ground, sugar pounded, and flour sifted. Indoor plumbing was not common then which meant water had to be fetched, chamber pots emptied, and slopped disposed of by hand.  Laundry had to be soaked, scrubbed by hand using a rough wash board, rinsed well, then hung to dry.  Now we have the luxury of throwing it into a machine that does the majority of the work for us.  It was necessary that the woman of the household and her daughters devote all their effort each day to things we now find so much simpler.  That's just one of many examples.  Think of farming before tractors, construction before heavy equipment, and manufactoring before machines.  Back then everyone had to work harder and so, learned from early childhood what hard work was.  Now it isn't so much a requirement.  Most kids don't have to help out around the family farm, or get a job instead of going to school.  Now parents provide for their children with very little help from those children.  I'm not saying kids everywhere have stopped helping, and I'm willing to put myself up there as an example.  I didn't get my first job until I was 19.  That's 19 years of my family clothing, sheltering, and feeding me before I helped out at all.

I'm not saying however, that all kids lack that work ethic I've discussing. It's just not an automatic thing anymore.  It must be taught because society today doesn't always provide the means to learn it on our own.  So before you comment on kid's today, before you compare them to your generation or those that have before, look at their life today.  Look at how much has been given to them with so little effort. Remember that there is a reason for everything.  Think back on a time when parents hoped to give their children more than they had. Parents have done just that, they may have forgotten, however, to instill the same values that were taught them.

I'm done rambling now.  Any thoughts?