For over an hour and a half now, a 'friend' of mine has been pissing me off. No scratch that ... harassing me on the phone.

He called twice, where I couldn't get to the phone to answer. On the third call, I answered. Sounded like he was drunk (and, honestly? who KEEPS calling someone who's not answering the phone when you're sober?), and I kept asking him what the point of the rambling call was. He is educated, but his sentences weren't even cohesive. He was putting together words and thought he was making sense. All I heard was him creating drama where there was none.

Being completely sick of the false drama, I called him on it, and ended the conversation before I got more pissed off (no need to have someone else ruin an otherwise decent day). Not merely that, but my phone was on the verge of dying anyway, and I told him so.

So what happened?
He called back. And I didn't even answer, I immediately hung up.
And he called back again, and I immediately hung up again.
And he called back AGAIN, and I hung up AGAIN.

Repeat that cycle 6 MORE times.

FINALLY, when he called back yet again, I got cross with him on the phone. And it was feeling like harassment.

And my phone really WAS dying.

A few more dials (and hangs ups on my end). He invited me out for New Year's Day ... yeah, at this point in time ... I really don't think he should even think of mentioning that to me again.

And he just tried calling again. So much for friends. We've moved onto stalker territory. Pfft ... take your drama somewhere else. I REALLY don't wanna listen to it.

GRRRRRR .....

" ... I heard about it 3rd-hand."

:D


Last night I had a really nice, last minute dinner with an old friend from high school, one of my best friends, actually, whom I haven't seen since the 10 year reunion (which was juuuuust about 3 years ago now ... eeps!). Since he was just in town for the weekend, and because he never spent any of his adult life near our dear Webster, I got to pick the place for dinner!

Now, I generally have a difficult time doing such, as most places that aren't chain restaurants are like a minefield for me with my egg allergy. Thankfully, I immediately recalled my favorite haunt from when I lived in the village of Pittsford for 2 years ... Hicks & McCarthy. I used to go there, on average, once a week when I lived but 1/4 mile from there, and it was just as I remembered it, save a few tweakings of the menu. Had a lovely (albeit, mildly gluttonous) meal and then ... off to Friendly's for dessert! hahaha! I truly believe I won't be eating much today, after a din din of chicken rice soup, a slice of bread, a salad with broiled salmon, some of H&M's signature flatbread with 'Italian salsa' ... and then a dessert of a peanut butter cup sundae!!!!!! heh heh ... I think I really am still full!

Jason was just as I remembered him from 3 years ago, which makes me believe that Father Time is putting the freeze on good people! I know that I am certainly not as he remembered me, as part of my greeting was, "You've aged a lot better than I have." And as we spoke, he certainly made me feel like I'm more interesting than I perceive myself to be. I feel like I lead a generally boring, ho-hum life, and he replied that he felt practically lazy in comparison to what I've done/am doing. I just enjoy embracing the opportunities in front of me. We talked about a great variety of little things, like fashion (wow, that sounds gay), Viagra, and even touched on politics. And diamonds :)

One of the 'hmmm, I wonder ... ' points of the convo included the musing of what 2008 Maria and Jason would say to our 1995 high-school-graduating selves. He said he'd tell himself to relax a bit more, but would pretty much (dare I say it ...) stay the course of what he was about to do. To that, I could certainly agree. I would have many things to tell 18 year old Maria, but mainly I'd tell her to not be so hard on herself, and to stop allowing her own self-criticism to affect her self esteem so severely. To this, Jason agreed.
And I wondered experimentally that if we (the old crew) were all in a room now, having never met before ... who would get along with whom? Who would gravitate to whom? Would our core values, as in what we respect and look for in others whom we allow into our lives, have evolved, or remained the same?
I love a good, thought-provoking conversation. Particularly with someone whom I have always had great respect and admiration for (never met anyone to this day with a broader working vocabulary!). Particularly, when that person is good friend.

It was a lovely evening, indeed.



Touching quickly upon the injuries and remodeling portion of this bloggy (if a frog can be a froggy, thusly, a blog can be a bloggy):

A few weeks ago, I noticed a significant creaking sound coming from my right knee, and a much more subdued 'beginning creak' coming from the left one. The right one is what bothers me the most, as that is the knee that actually FEELS like it's not 100%. I can't do a one-legged squat on the right leg without it sounding HORRIBLE, and feeling a twinge of pain doing so. I have, as of 2 weeks ago, begun to take glucosamine/chondroitin tablets and fish oil capsules in the hopes of lubing and healing the joints. Still in the wait-and-see phase of it's efficacy. I've also acquired a knee brace, as I'm TRYING to be a runner (I want to kick what's left of my asthma, and I KNOW running will do it), and want to give myself a chance to succeed.
So now, 90 degrees from what was just discussed, I decided to join our recently re-instituted bowling night on Thursday nights with my work buddies. On the 6th frame of the second game this past Thursday, I somehow threw my back out. I injured it when I was 16, and rarely have more than mild flare-ups, but the sharpness of the sensation going thru my body (think lightning up and down the entire right leg, and up the right side of the torso) sent me reeling. Couldn't finish the game, certainly. Stretched in child's pose as much as I could to relieve the pain sensation. And, thankfully, I was able to walk after about 20 minutes of rest and stretching.

In the wake of these events, I believe that I am going to let my gym membership expire at the end of the year, and concentrate on the activities that are the best for my situation. Yoga. Pilates. Bicycling. And running, once well healed. All of those things are 'free' when you have the initial knowledge of the poses and strategy (I do) and the equipment (I do). Between those activities and the small set of hand weights I have, I think I can put together my own concoction of a program that will not merely heal me, but increase my fitness level as well.

The remodeling? Well, I'm going to make my back bedroom an exercise area now so that I can have a sanctuary. The remodeling will consist of little more than rearranging and redecorating (and painting the walls a yoga-inducing color! :P), but it will be well worth the effort.

So, I went to take a nice, free Myers-Briggs personality test or two, and maybe another personality test or so ... just to see if my underlying ways have changed much in the 10 or so years since I last look anything more than the cheesy online quizzes that are hardly 8 questions long (or 'fill in your name and i'll tell you your fortune!'). I felt they may have, within the last 2-3 years or so, but I was now just looking for some confirmation. Or at least a way to stimulate my brain for a few minutes.

I therefore took not one, but TWO different versions of the Myers-Briggs/Jung personality test (after finally starting to read some of Jung's works at the ripe old age of 31 .. man, I fell behind in my own personal reading list!), plus a few other pencil-and-paper ones that I acquired at the neighborhood Barnes and Noble. The results were actually a touch frustrating to me!


Let me preface the rest by saying that my Myers-Briggs result 10 years ago, firmly and decisively, was "INFJ" - Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Judging.



TODAY, my 2 results were: ESTP, and ENFJ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Seriously?!?!??
Well, delving further into it, I looked at my percentages:

Test 1:
Extroverted (E) 61.36% Introverted (I) 38.64%
Sensing (S) 55% Intuitive (N) 45%
Thinking (T) 51.35% Feeling (F) 48.65%
Perceiving (P) 54.05% Judging (J) 45.95%

Test 2:
Strength of prefernces:
Extraverted: 28% Intuitive: 4% Feeling: 5% Judging: 1%

Top that off with a few other, shorter quizzes:
Introversion v. Extroversion: Somewhat extroverted (range: extremely introverted -to- extremely extroverted)
Stability: Average (range: Unshakable -to- neurotic)
Creativity: 15/15 (0=uncreative -to- 15=extremely creative)
Strong-mindedness: a balanced personality; diplomatic (range: very aggressive, inflexible, bossy -to- very timid, easily dominated)




What do I take away from this little experiment? A few things!
1) I am very affected by the precise WORDING of a question ... one different word (not even what would be considered a critical one by many, I'm sure) in a good number of the questions would have changed my mind about the answer ... but I'm really not certain which way that would have swung the scores.
2) I'm grateful that I actually have one most solid tendency, and that would be towards extravertion. I definitely used to be more intraverted, and I am well aware that such a tendency can change significantly.
3) I also 'aced' the creativity test ... I finished the whole thing in 1min23sec when you were allotted 5 minutes. Too bad I couldn't get bonus points! :P But, well ... you are either creative (and probably know it) or you aren't (and have been told it many times! heh heh), plain and simple.
4) I must, with such close scores, take ALL forms of input and process it in roughly equal order. I seem to not give more priority to intuition than my senses, no more right to my thinking brain than my feeling brain, and I judge as much as I perceive.
6) Ha! Does this make me (roughly) equally as comfortable with each of these tendencies as it makes me UNcomfortable with each? Or am I really inwardly just THAT balanced?
7) Or am I just analyzing the test AND getting cranky about it? :P
8) If you didn't notice I skipped 5, YOU need to take an IQ test. Now, please.


I'm sure a poling of my friends and loved ones would result in a majority vote of "feeling," as I'm emotionally rather unafraid (in most situations). People really don't notice that inwardly I think, think, and overthink!

Ah well ... since everything is so damn close, I'll settle by thinking I'm more balanced than most humans.


Which really IS a big change in 10 years! P



PS, and completely irrelevant - You know your career is in a tailspin if you become the voice of K.I.T.T. Oh, Val, what hast become of you? I loved you in Real Genius, and always will!

Thunderpony: 2005-2008
Well, today ended up being a little hard to go thru, much to my surprise.

I just purchased a new vehicle, and because I really don't have money pouring from my rectum, I had to trade in my old car. I traded my 2006 'Vista Blue Metallic' Ford Mustang V6 Deluxe Coupe for a 2009 'Obsidian Black Pearl' Subaru Forester Limited. It was the right decision. Even putting snow tires on my Mustang (myself ... girl POWER! hahaha) every year, the rear wheel drive and rather insignificant ground clearance has made for some tough winters here in Buffalo. In fact, I got completely STUCK in the snow last winter, requiring assistance to dig and rock the car free ... which prompted me think, "what happens if I'm alone next time?"

Well, I know this year I'll be in a much better situation. And I really was rather excited about the new car that I picked up. In terms of STYLE, the Mustang was definitely more "me," but the Forester is certainly sharp as it is (I looked at it today and thought, "looks like I could come out of that car wearing a ball gown and not be overdressed.").

So, before I could take the keys to the new car, I had to turn in the keys to the old car. Which was the hard part!!


I had a lot of good memories associated with that car. The car itself is 'just a car' (god knows it's no KITT!), but to me, it was freedom. It was the beginning of my new life. I got that car at the beginning of my life as a newly single woman. It was fun and sporty looking, sure. But it was also my sanctuary, my alone time (seating only 2 people, I rarely had passengers). The car sat low to the ground and I felt surrounded by it, almost cradled.
I even gave it a vanity plate: THNDRPNY. "Thunderpony." It was a nickname I had as a little girl, given to me by my dad. A thought of my dad always went thru my head when I glanced at that license plate. :)

The funny part is ... I looked at the Mustang as my "alone era" ... which is fine, and what I needed. And as I was picking up the new Subaru, and conditioning the leather, and putting on the vinyl protectant, a thought went thru my head that I wouldn't always be alone in this car. I feel like the next stage of my life will be seen by that Forester.


So, it was sad to say goodbye to the Mustang that watched me grow into a stronger woman. But I look at that Forester and think, "I wonder what YOU will see ... I wonder what's next ... "

Felt like doing a few of those silly online quizzes last night, and for being so random, they certainly say a lot about me, definitely!

(truthfully, I just cut-and-pasted this from my LJ blog ... so there's nothing new to those of you who followed me down the rabbit hole a week or so ago! ;) ).


Feel like I should re-do my Myers-Briggs personality test, too. Last time I took it was about 10 years ago or so ... and I feel like I've grown and changed, even in bits of my underlying personality, since then. I'll try to find a free one and see what I get this time around ... stay tuned! :P





Funny, considering that "musical intelligence" and "linguistic intelligence" were options, I didn't think this would be the dominant conclusion. Yet, even after a few tries, it remained solidly:

Your Dominant Intelligence is Logical-Mathematical Intelligence

You are great at finding patterns and relationships between things. Always curious about how things work, you love to set up experiments. You need for the world to make sense - and are good at making sense of it. You have a head for numbers and math ... and you can solve almost any logic puzzle. You would make a great scientist, engineer, computer programmer, researcher, accountant, or mathematician.

This one is accurate in almost every line, seriously:

What Maria Means

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated. You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want. You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way! You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something. You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense. You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun. You tend to be pretty tightly wound. It's easy to get you excited... which can be a good or bad thing. You have a lot of enthusiasm, but it fades rather quickly. You don't stick with any one thing for very long. You have the drive to accomplish a lot in a short amount of time. Your biggest problem is making sure you finish the projects you start.

Geekgasm ... a bit higher than i was expecting, actually:
63% Geek

Created by OnePlusYou - Free Dating Sites

Your Values Profile

Loyalty: You don't really value loyalty. In your opinion, friendship should be earned. If you don't agree with someone, it doesn't matter how close you are. You'll let them (and everyone else know) exactly what you think. Honesty: You value honesty a fair amount. You're honest when you can be, but you aren't a stickler for it. If a little white lie will make a situation more comfortable, you'll go for it. In the end, you mostly care about "situational integrity." Generosity: You value generosity highly. So much so that you often put your own needs last. There's nothing wrong with having a caring heart... But you may want to rethink your "open wallet" policy. Humility: You value humility a fair amount. You tend to be an easy going, humble person. But occasionally your ego takes over. You have a slight competitive streak - and the need to be the best. Tolerance: You value tolerance a fair amount. You are open to new cultures, beliefs, and ideas. You have very few prejudices that you're aware of. And while you are tolerant, you do stand true to what you believe.

Dennis. 33 years old. Blond hair, blue eyes. Cute, but not gorgeous. Lovely smile. Loves classical music and plays violin as a hobby. Incredibly sweet and kind.

And we were getting married.

As the day drew nearer and nearer, I felt it. Again. That horrible aching in my stomach. "I can't marry this man. I don't love him." But I kept biting my tongue, 'because he's a good man.' We COULD be happy together ... maybe ....

The battle inside, raging. How can I do this to myself? Again. How can I marry someone I just don't quite love? Again.

It's happening over again ... it's happening over again ...

This time, I did something about it.

On the morning of the wedding, I went to see him where we first met. And told him that I couldn't marry him. And I was so sad about it, because I could see that I broke his heart. But I couldn't cry in front of him; I wanted him to know I meant it. But as I walked away from that place, seeing the hurt in his eyes, I just wanted to break down. The hurt. I never want to hurt other people, especially the ones I care so much about. I just couldn't marry him. Because I couldn't do that to myself again. I couldn't marry thinking "This must be it. This must be all there is for me." I already did that once.

The hurt in his eyes pierced me. It was all I could see in front of me, like a haunting. It encompassed my whole field of vision. I cried so hard. I cried with joy that I did the right thing for myself. I cried with sorrow that I hurt him.




..... And when I woke up from that dream just recently, I had tear stains on my pillow, and I was still crying. Every molecule of my body felt utterly saddened and rather depressed by the truth in that dream. Even though I made the right choice 'this time.' Even though it was terribly painful to make that right choice.


I had to listen to "A Girl Called Harmony" this morning to finish the cry. Bust out that CD from it's hiding place. I've already heard twice recently, only without it being my doing (I therefore think it just planted itself in my brain again with recent exposure). It was rotten that I had to, but I did. I love that song.
I hate that song.
I love that song.





Had a discussion with manfriend last night that really stirred me again. I went home and couldn't sleep for quite awhile. I watched the 'sun' come up, or more accurately, watched the sky turn from cloudy night to dreary day. Thinking of how unfulfilling my job can be, and really, is now. Thinking of how envious I am that he can enrich himself daily while at work, whereas I have to search for more out of life once work is over. Thinking that the difficulty in being able to do something during the week with friends or loved ones, because my work hours are so ridiculous, is draining my spirit.  Thinking of the answer to the very question I asked him last night, "What are you passionate about?" I wanted to see if there was more I could learn about him at that moment, but I also realized that it's incredibly difficult to answer that question myself.

Music is a passion, but it's not completely fulfilling to every part of me. I find it the only way to express every emotion. Words are never, never enough. Even the big ones. :P In that way, being a highly emotional person, I find music to be the most accurate expression of what is going on inside of me. The vibrations in tune to mine. That's where the tears in music come from for me.
That perfect synchronization of what I hear to what I am, emotionally.

But I am more than just my emotions. I am my logical, pragmatic brain. I am the body that I have created for myself one day at a time, for better or worse, since the day I was born.

What else is there for me? So much. Everything else. Perhaps I may not have the technical knowledge base to find the cure for cancer, but I damn well believe that if I acquired such, I could be on your leading team of researchers.

I sometimes wonder if I'm afraid to find something that I really, truly CANNOT do. Is fear holding me back? Fear of failure? That's nutty. I try. I do. I almost never fail.
Almost.

My guy's a very, VERY smart cookie. Even though he knows things that I just have not been exposed to yet, I truly don't think I am one bit less intelligent than he. He's just found more fulfillment than I have, and for that, I'm happy for him.
Personally, I'd really like to blow him outta the water on something. Not as competition, but because I know I have it in me.

Maria, Maria ... you've grown so much in the last 2 years ... keep going, keep growing .... find it all ....

... in a way.

At least here in the Land of Blog.

I'll probably still add bits and pieces to this blog as I see fit, but because I've really been in the mood to share, create, write, and reflect, I've decided to move on to LiveJournal.

I know a handful of you who tell me that you enjoy my extremely free-form and straightforward writing style, and I appreciate that. And perhaps there are a few of my friends out there who follow me, and I have no idea (because you don't let on or make your presence known). And, of course, there are the faithful stalkers ... ah, what would the world do without you?

Hopefully, those 3 categories of humans (the known, the unknown, and the don't-wanna-know) would sum up why I get 30-40 hits per day, more on the days I write.

Any of you who wish to follow my writings, and continue to get glimpses into the veritable treasure chest that is my brain, need only take the red pill and follow me down the rabbit hole. Take the blue pill, and you return to the regular, everyday life that you know, and all of this will be forgotten as a bad dream:


RED PILL





BLUE PILL

~I received the most awesome compliment while I was out last night with my couchsurfer:

"You are absolutely beautiful to look at, you are intelligent to speak with, and you have such a loving heart. I certainly hope your boyfriend appreciates you."


To wit I could only answer, "He better!"


~I decided to pick up the book "Choke" before seeing the movie (also picked up 'Fight Club' to compare paper to film, and the graphic novel 'The Watchmen,' also to prep for the movie next year). Already read half of it, and I"ll probably finish it tonight. It's giving me some sick grins throughout thusfar. Excellent satire.
See also: sick comedy
See also: sarcasm

:D
More to come after finishing it.


~Whilst chatting with manfriend the other day, I asked for some random band names to look up so I can listen to some new stuff. After he sent a few names over, I then received file transfer from him .... a catalog of his most recent torrents so I could dl them myself. That gave me 1000+ songs, about 4 days worth of music. Hitting 'shuffle' on the iPod was such a treat yesterday, but I think I want to go through it more systematically soon so I can rate them all. It'll just take a while. :D


Fun on a Tuesday!

"Being short can have it's advantages.  Sure, we may be the last to know when it rains, but we're the first to sound the flood alarm."

 

(Here's hoping my molasses-like internet connection doesn't drop this mini-blog.  That wind really was a doozy last night.)

I've never felt so completely washed out ... and cooped up ... like I have this summer.  This morning capped it for me.

After far more rainy days than sunny days this summer, the beginning of the latest showers this morning about drove me into madness.  Ok, I guess I am a bit touchy, seeing that I'm trying to remember a period of time that I actually SLEPT last night (wish I knew why I couldn't.  damn insomnia bouts!).

Usually, hearing the gentle tapping of the rain hitting the awning on my back porch, easily audible in my bedroom, is rather soothing (picture it with me: cozy in bed with light, softly textured sheets on you, spooning with your sweetheart, a good amount of rumbling thunder to go with it ... mmmmm ..... ).  But this morning, it was little short of Chinese water torture on my already-frayed-from-no-sleep nerves.

And I'm sick of not being able to ride my motorcycle to work.  At this point, I barely have 400 miles on it for the summer, and that annoys me.  It's not even broken in yet! :(

And I wanted to go hiking and camping and rowing, and try an easy mountain biking course for the first time this summer.  None of that happened at all, thanks to 7 weeks in a row of COMPLETELY washed-out weekends, and the residual wetness making the grounds around the area too treacherous for adventure.

 

My eyes are sleepy from the lack of such last night.  And now it's time to go to work.  I could use some phototherapy.  Maybe I'll go tanning.  :P

And maybe I'll post my yearly poem soon ... This year: "A Phoenix Falls"

On the ride to and from the Bills game on Sunday, man-friend put in a mix from his iPod.  One of the songs was one he has quoted on his page, and we discussed it just the night or two before (one I've really enjoyed, and have since finally dl'd).  Another of them happened to be my favorite song from Grendel's Harsh Generation (pretty sure I've never even mentioned that it was my fav before, but there it was on the mix) ...

... and one of them was a song I refuse to keep on my computer.  I have it only on a CD which I break out when I "need" it.  Because, even though I love it, and I have told him such in the past, it kills me, KILLS me to hear it.  I try to become stone-faced in front of him, even smirking when I hear it, because what I REALLY want to do is bawl or scream or ....release something.  I love it BECAUSE it makes me well with strong emotion, at the same time it makes my heart sink into my stomach.  Which is obviously also what makes it so hard to hear.

A Girl Called Harmony, by Attrition.

The music itself is wonderful, the kind I could listen to all day long ... a lilting, minor-keyed waltz.  But the lyrics, if you don't know them, are basically about a break-up.  What's worse about the song, this break-up, is the chorus:

"It's all so plain - we both saw this coming
It's all so plain - I'd cry for a woman
It's all so plain - we both saw this coming
It's happening over again
It's happening over again .... "

So, it doesn't take a genius to realize that the tragedy of the song is not the fact that this person is breaking up with this woman, but that he never learned his lesson in the first place, whatever lesson that might be.  Because "it's happening over again."

When I hear the singer, in his clean baritone, sing those words, those very words ring in my head over and over and over. 

I've listened to this song for every break-up I can remember.  I listened to this song very often when I was paralyzed with grief over my divorce.  Curled up against the arm of the couch.  Sometimes sobbing.  Sometimes numb.  Mourning the death of a marriage.  Music is my own therapy, as it can be for so many.  And I am since truly over my ex, my divorce.  It is, thankfully, in the past.  But this song still rings bitter tones.  Because, the point is ... HAVE I learned all of my lessons?  AM I the best woman I can be right now?  Am I offering the man I am with the best of me?  Am I with the right person?  I still listen to it when I have a break up (which, seeing how picky I am about the men I choose to be around, has thankfully only been once since my divorce).  It's like little pins jabbing me, reminding me, jabbing me more.

 

I have so much love for the man I am with now.  I'll say that outright.  We are, actually, very similar in certain ways (among other things, he allows my inner geek the comfort of developing herself :P).  The more I gather about him, the more I realize this.  We are also very different in a significant number of other ways ... the ways of his that I like I hope will rub off on me and enrich me as a person (some have), and I certainly HOPE there are ways of mine that I can offer to him as well (lol ... that, I have NO idea if that's happened at all yet! no matter, lol!).  We are so DIFFERENT on an emotional level, that it's difficult at times for me to express myself as fully as I want to.  His thoughtfulness and emotions are so subtle, some people who are as outright and expressive as I  (gee, can you tell?) could call him cold.  But I know they are there, I've seen them. 

One of the first emails we exchanged included the following from him, when I asked point blank (because that's generally how I roll) where his head is at: "Where is it indeed? I had a weird summer, a breakup, a family death, a friend's suicide, a friend moved away, and a change in living and financial quarters. I am very much trying to figure out what I want or need."  Hmmm ... I instantly thought, "damaged goods" or "buyer beware," etc, lol, and therefore REALLY backed off going forward with him.  Time went on.  He grew on me.  I blogged this recently, so catch up if you're interested (Funny aside: today is 2 days away from the 1-yr 'anniversary' of OFFICIALLY meeting him, as I noticed based on the emails, and, well, because I'm a chick and we notice that crap!  The unofficial meeting?  Well, that's a funny story for another day ... :D). 

Basically, I KNOW why I am nearly my strongest when I am completely single and alone.  I have very few real fears left in this world, as there is very little I won't do with preparation, knowledge and desire.  But I am still afraid of hurt.  Not in a paralyzing way, but enough to make me feel a bit scarred by it.  But aren't we all?  Blah.  Sucks.

I am my VERY strongest when I am loved and supported for being the nutty, goofy, funny, geeky, huggy, lovey woman that I am.  Period.  Raf has seen it.  Cesare has seen it.  Barb has seen it.  Shanon has seen it (thank you so much to those dearest of friends).  I love being strong.  I feel like I could conquer the world when I have the support of someone I love behind me.  Metaphorically speaking, of course (no Napoleon-complex references here, ok???). 

Right now, I'm loving him without expectation.  It's small because I keep it from growing larger without knowing if it's unrequited or not, but it's very much there.  Because he really grew on me.  Because little words or actions, one day at a time, allow me to see the inner workings of a complex man.  And because I can't really help it.  I want him to live his life, do his own thing, and be who he is.  Because right now, I have to do the same.
But I'm no fool, I will and MUST have my own heart taken care of first.  I'm just trying to figure out where feeling love for this man will lead me ...

... and therefore those damn words haunt me.  Those DAMN words ... spinning in my head like a grand, macabre waltz ....

 

 

It's happening over again ... it's happening over again ....

 

 

 

 

 

(I don't know if none of you read this, or if 100 of you read this.  But I blog to get things off my chest as much as I do to share bits of my life with my friends.  I'm already feeling better having done it.  Right now, I'd appreciate if I can feel I just shouted into the void.  No emails, no comments.)